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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE PIE



                             Written by

                      Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (Monk's coffee shop, evening)

               
               (Jerry and his date, Audrey, are sitting at a booth having dinner)
 
               
               
                             AUDREY
               Hum! That was really good!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Are you full?

               
                             AUDREY
               Oh no, I've had just enough.

               
               (Waitress brings dessert)

               
                             JERRY
               Here we go... apple pie! Best apple 
               pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating) 
               Delicious. I'm not waiting for you. 
               Take some.
 
               
                             AUDREY
               No thanks.

               
                             JERRY
               You're not gonna have any?

               
                             AUDREY
               No (with a disgusted face)

               
                             JERRY
               Do you not like apple pie?

               
                             AUDREY
               No, it's not that.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, at least taste it.

               
                             AUDREY
               No (a resolute "no")

               
                             JERRY
               You won't even taste it?

               
                             AUDREY
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her 
               head doing "no") A little taste! (still 
               shaking) Come on! (still shaking)
 
               
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's appartment, the next day)

               
               (Jerry and George)

               
                             GEORGE
               Did she say why?

               
                             JERRY
               No. She wouldn't say anything. She just 
               kept shaking her head like this (Imitating 
               Audrey)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe she's diabetic.

               
                             JERRY
               No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts 
               in her purse.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe you said something that offended 
               her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The only thing I can think of is I told 
               her we should have those moving walkways 
               all over the city.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Like at the airport? (getting excited)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's a great idea!!!

               
                             JERRY
               Tell me about it!

               
                             GEORGE
               We could be zipping all over the place.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               They could at least try it.

               
                             GEORGE
               They never try anything.

               
                             JERRY
               What's the harm?

               
                             GEORGE
               No harm!

               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             JERRY
               (still talking to George) I'm sorry. 
               There's no reason for her not to taste 
               that pie.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Who wouldn't taste a pie?

               
                             JERRY
               Audrey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Dump her.

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, I never broke up with anyone for 
               not tasting pie???
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (piffling) I once broke up with someone 
               for not offering me pie.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You did?

               
                             ELAINE
               He could be eating a Hero, he wouldn't 
               offer me anything. It's a sickness.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I can't walk anywhere now. I just 
               gonna be wishing there were walkways. 
               (seeing Elaine removing her shoe) What 
               are you doing?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I got a pebble.

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, I never heard of that happening 
               to a woman?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What the hell does that mean?

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! Elaine. Go Like this. (imitating 
               a mannequin posture)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Do it. Do it. This.

               
                             ELAINE
               Like... (doing it) Like this?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah! It's you!

               
                             ELAINE
               What's me?

               
                             KRAMER
               (to the gang) There's a clothing store 
               downtown. They got a mannequin in there 
               that looks exactly like Elaine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Get out!

               
                             KRAMER
               It's uncanny! It's like they chopped 
               off your arms and legs, dipped you in 
               plastic, and screwed you back all together, 
               and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really 
               quite exquisite.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, what's the name of the store 
               with the mannequin?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and 
               starts rubbing his back with it) Oh 
               yeah...
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering 
               what the hell's Kramer doing)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It's this itch. I was watching TV without 
               my shirt on, and one my couch cushion 
               didn't have any fabric on it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, Rinitze? Don't they have 
               somme really cool suits in there?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Real Boss!

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm going down there.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm gonna go with you. I gotta get a 
               new suit. I got a second interview with 
               MacKenzie, and I think I'm really close. 
               They're all taking me out to lunch on 
               Friday.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (grabbing George by the arm, hurried 
               to leave) Let's go.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right. All right. (They both leave)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (leaving too, with the spatula) Are 
               you gonna need this?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Keep it. (implied: please)

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Rinitze)

               
               (George and Elaine stares at the mannequin)

               
                             ELAINE
               It looks exactly like me.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's like some pod landed from another 
               planet and took your body. Don't fall 
               asleep Elaine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What's going on here? How do you think 
               this happened?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Whoa, look at this. This is a beautiful 
               suit. Huh?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You think that could be a coincidence 
               George? Is that possible?
 
               
               (the saleswoman approaches George as he's trying the suit)

               
                             SALESWOMAN
               (european accent) You are perfect for 
               that suit.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You think so?

               
                             ELAINE
               (to the saleswoman) Excuse me. Where 
               did this come from?
 
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               You really think this looks O.K. on 
               me?
 
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               Fabulous. Perfect fit. And it's the 
               last one we have.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry. You can't tell me where the 
               mannequin came from?
 
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               I told you, I don't know.

               
                             ELAINE
               (irritated, but still polite) Well, 
               is there somebody around here I could 
               talk to who would know?
 
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               Isn't it obvious? This mannequin looks 
               exactly like me.
 
               
               (saleswoman rolls her eyes at George about Elaine)

               
                             ELAINE
               (upset) Did you just roll your eyes 
               at him? Because let me tell you something, 
               if anobody should be rolling their eyes, 
               it is me at him about you.
 
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               I think maybe you're flattering yourself. 
               That mannquein is wearing a 1200$ Gaultier 
               dress.
 
               
               (George is looking at himself in the mirror and doesn't care 
               about their dispute)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you saying, that I'm not good 
               enough for this hideous dress? (looking 
               at her name tag) Listen Natasha... I 
               wouldn't be caught dead wearing your 
               crummy little euro-trash rags. (to George) 
               I'll meet you outside.
 
               
               (Elaine leaves and waits outside)

               
                             SALESWOMAN
               What is her problem?

               
                             GEORGE
               Pfft! What can you do? (looking at a 
               tag on the suit) Is this the price tag?
 
               
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, hello. Party's over. (taking off 
               the suit)
 
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               I'll tell you a little secret. We're 
               having an unadvertised sale starting 
               Friday, that suit will be half-price.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So you think you can put the suit aside 
               and hold it for me?
 
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               Oh, I'm afraid I could't do that. It 
               wouldn't be fair to the other customers.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yes, of course, and we have to be 
               fair. (placing the suit further away 
               in the rack)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Monk's)

               
               (Jerry, Elaine and Kramer at a booth)

               
                             ELAINE
               So, I found out who supplies the mannequins 
               and I called 'em up.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               How did they get your face?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. 
               (Jerry is not listening, he's looking 
               at two women sitting in the other booth) 
               Jerry? Je... Hello?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) 
               Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but 
               notice you offered her a piece of your 
               pie.
 
               
                             WOMAN 1
               That's right.

               
                             JERRY
               And you waved it away.

               
                             WOMAN 2
               Right.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you give her a reason?

               
                             WOMAN 2
               Yes, I was full.

               
                             JERRY
               You were full. So you gave a reason. 
               You didn't just shake your head.
 
               
                             WOMAN 2
               No, I'm not a psycho.

               
                             JERRY
               Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've 
               been very helpful. Thank you very much. 
               Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back 
               with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think 
               we proven who the psycho is.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We certainly have.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Elaine scratch my back.

               
                             ELAINE
               No way!

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, one lap around.

               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               It will be a funky adventure.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, forget it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, how about you?

               
                             JERRY
               I think you know my policy.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm going home to spatula. (picks up 
               the check and walks to the cashier)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I thought George was meeting us here?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No he's going downtown to guard the 
               suit.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He's guarding a suit?

               
                             OLIVE
               (to Kramer) Do you need some help with 
               that itch?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Madam, I pray you're not toying with 
               me. (Olive shows her long finger nails) 
               Whoa.
 
               
                             OLIVE
               Turn around.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, all right. (Olive scratches, Kramer 
               enjoys, Elaine and Jerry watch.)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Rinitze)

               
                             SALESWOMAN
               (makes a guy trying the suit. His name 
               is not mentionned but it seems to be 
               Bob as it appears in the credits at 
               the end of the episode.) It fits you 
               perfectly.
 
               
                             BOB
               You think so? (she nods and walks away)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (outside, looking the guy trying the 
               suit through the window, and thinking 
               out loud) What's this? Can't I leave 
               this place for a second? (goes in, take 
               off his jacket, walks to the guy and 
               talks to him with an european accent) 
               Can I help you?
 
               
                             BOB
               I'm buying the suit.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no, this suit is not for sale. 
               (tries to take off the suit from the 
               guy)
 
               
                             BOB
               Excuse me, do you work here?

               
                             GEORGE
               (leaving the european accent) No.

               
                             BOB
               Then what the hell business is it of 
               yours?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Look, I'm doing you a favor. They're 
               having an unadvertised sale. This suit 
               is gonna be half-priced starting ... 
               Monday.
 
               
                             BOB
               Really? This Monday?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Now take off those pants.

               
                             SALESWOMAN
               Actually, the unadvertised sale starts 
               on Friday.
 
               
                             BOB
               Friday? Thanks. (Gives a dirty look 
               at George and leaves)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to the saleswoman) You know honey for 
               an unadvertised sale, you're doing a 
               lot of yapping about it.
 
               
               (she starts undressing mannequin Elaine, and George acts like 
               he's really seeing Elaine naked)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Poppie's restaurant)

               
               (Jerry and Audrey are sitting at a table, and Jerry looks at 
               the menu)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't beleive your father owns this 
               place. So how are the desserts here?
 
               
               
                             AUDREY
               Everything is delicious.

               
                             JERRY
               You've tasted them?

               
                             AUDREY
               Um-hmm, I think almost all of them.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh I see they have apple pie.

               
                             AUDREY
               Mmm-hmm.

               
                             JERRY
               You've had the apple pie?

               
                             AUDREY
               Many times.

               
                             JERRY
               Audrey, I got to be honest with you. 
               I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature. 
               I need to know things. Not tasting the 
               apple pie the other day, I can't get 
               past it. You obviously like pies. You 
               carry doughnuts in your bag, you're 
               not averse to pastry. Surely you could 
               see how such a thing would prey on my 
               mind.
 
               
                             AUDREY
               Can we drop this?

               
                             JERRY
               (like a frustrated child) Why can't 
               I know?
 
               
               (Poppie comes to the table)

               
                             AUDREY
               Ah! Poppie.

               
                             POPPIE
               Sweetheart, hello.

               
                             AUDREY
               Poppie, this is Jerry.

               
                             POPPIE
               Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello Poppie.

               
                             POPPIE
               Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making 
               you a very special dinner. Very special. 
               (he leaves)
 
               
                             JERRY
               The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. 
               You know. (he leaves)
 
               
               (Jerry and Poppie in the bathroom. Jerry washes his hands while 
               Poppie flushes and gets out of the stall)
 
               
                             POPPIE
               Ah, Jerry! Tonight you in for a real 
               treat. I'm personnaly going to prepare 
               the dinner for you and my Audrey.
 
               
               
               (He zips up and leaves whitout washing his hands. Jerry notices 
               it)
 
               
               (back at the table with Audrey, Jerry can see Poppie in the kitchen 
               with his hands in the dough, making dinner)
 
               
                             AUDREY
               Jerry are you OK?

               
                             JERRY
               Huh?

               
                             AUDREY
               Is anything wrong?

               
                             JERRY
               No, Nothing.

               
                             AUDREY
               You look like you've seen a ghost.
 
               
               
               (Jerry can't talk and he's staring at Poppie's hands. Poppie 
               smiles and winks at him)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Monk's)

               
                             OLIVE
               (to another cashier) I'll see you tomorrow.
 
               
               
               (Kramer enters with flowers)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. These are for you Olive.

               
                             OLIVE
               Thank you.

               
               (They leave and she starts scratching Kramer's back)

               
                             KRAMER
               Ohh!

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Poppie's)

               
               (Poppie serves dinner)

               
                             POPPIE
               Here it is.

               
                             AUDREY
               Wait till you taste this. (she eats) 
               Poppie, this is perfect.
 
               
                             POPPIE
               (to Jerry) Well?

               
                             AUDREY
               Jerry have some.

               
               (Jerry shakes his head doing "no")

               
                             AUDREY
               You're not gonna taste it?

               
               (still shaking)

               
                             AUDREY
               Jerry.

               
               (still shaking)

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's appartment)

               
               (Jerry and George eat cereals sitting on the couch)

               
                             JERRY
               So she tought I did it to get back at 
               her
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why didn't you just tell her?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think that's the kind of thing 
               you wanna hear about your father. But 
               I'll tell you when he came out of that 
               bathroom and he was kneading that dough, 
               it was a wild scene.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How could he not have washed?

               
                             JERRY
               Even if you're not gonna soap up, at 
               least pretend for my benefit. Turn the 
               water on, do something.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, just like I do.

               
                             JERRY
               You know a chef who doesn't wash is 
               like a cop who steals. It's a cry for 
               help, he wants to get caught.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. 
               There's a whole other thing going on 
               with Poppie. So how did you leave ti?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               We haven't spoken.

               
               (Kramer enters holding the spatula)

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm not gonna need this anymore. 
               I got Olive. (Jerry throws out the spatula)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Olive?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. My lady friend down at Monks. 
               You guys ought to see the way she works 
               her nails across my back. Ohh! She's 
               a maestro. The crisscross. The figure 
               eight, strummin' the ol' banjo, and 
               this wild, savage free-for-all where 
               anything can happen.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I got to get downtown and buy that suit. 
               The store opens in twenty minutes.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Is that Elaine mannequin still there?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. The last time I saw her, she was 
               naked.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and Poppie's got problems...
 
               
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Rinitze)

               
               (The saleswoman unlock the door's entrance where Bob is waiting. 
               He rushes inside and George enters after him slowly and confident. 
               Bob can't find the suit on the rack. George walks to a different 
               rack.)
 
               
                             BOB
               Where is it? Where is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               (George takes out the suit from the 
               other rack) Well, look at this. (innocently) 
               This doesn't belong here! Someone has 
               made a terrible mistake.
 
               
                             BOB
               You bastard! You hid the suit.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hid? I have no idea how this suit got 
               misplaced. Nevertheless, I do believe 
               I shall purchase it.
 
               
                             BOB
               I hope you rot in that suit. I'm gonna 
               get you for this. I don't know how, 
               but I'm gonna get you. You are going 
               to pay!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I'll pay. Half-price. Arrivederci 
               my fellow 40-short.
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Monks)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine at a booth)

               
                             ELAINE
               So I made a little list of people who 
               might've made the mannequin. You know, 
               possible suspects.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very 
               interested)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               There's this blind guy at a party I 
               was at, and he felt my face for a really 
               long time. You know, to see what I looked 
               like. He almost put his finger up my 
               nose.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hum... ok, what else you got?

               
                             ELAINE
               OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest 
               of the list.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, because I didn't think the blind 
               guy did it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Because you have an attitude.

               
               (George enters wearing his new suit, parading and snapping his 
               fingers)
 
               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               Oh!

               
                             JERRY
               Georgio! Nice duds!

               
                             GEORGE
               You're telling me. (he walks around 
               and the suit makes a swooshing sound) 
               So, what do you think?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Did you hear something?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, like a swoosh.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               It must be the fabric. It's rubbing 
               between you thighs when you walk. That's 
               what's making that swooshy sound.
 
               
               
               (George walks back and forth to verify and it swooshes again)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I probably didn't hear it on the way 
               over because of the street noise. (he 
               panics) This is no good! I got to meet 
               these guys from MacKenzie for lunch 
               in half an hour!
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what? What would they care?

               
                             GEORGE
               This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. 
               Someone told me he fired the last guy 
               because his nose whistled when he breathed.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you think you're not gonna get the 
               job because your pants make a noise?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let's say it comes down to me and one 
               other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, 
               and I'm whooshing all over the place! 
               Who do you think he's gonna hire?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know, I think all these interviews 
               are making you nuts.
 
               
               (Kramer comes back from the bathroom)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was 
               in here before.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Audrey?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of 
               pie.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Was it apple?

               
                             KRAMER
               What else?

               
                             JERRY
               This woman is bending my mind into a 
               pretzel!
 
               
               (a stranger stops and looks at Elaine)

               
                             STRANGER
               Do I know you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm... No you don't.

               
                             STRANGER
               Yeah! You were wearing a G-string and 
               one of those bras with points.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               The mannequin!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I got to see this thing.

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Rinitze)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine enter and see the mannequin getting spanked 
               by another mannequin)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, the resemblance is uncanny.

               
               (Elaine goes to the saleswoman)

               
                             ELAINE
               You think you can pose me however you 
               want? That's my ass in your window!
 
               
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               It's our store and our mannequin, we 
               can do whatever we want with it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No! You take down that mannequin right 
               now, or I'm pressing charges. (Jerry 
               goes along) Yes, this is my attorney.
 
               
               
                             SALESWOMAN
               (to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I believe there's some legal precedent 
               - Winchell vs. Mahoney,
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh-huh

               
                             JERRY
               The Charlie Macarthy hearings.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh-huh. Are you taking this down?

               
                             SALESWOMAN
               I'm getting the manager. (she leaves)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry get the car. (she's getting the 
               mannequin)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing?

               
                             ELAINE
               Just get the car!

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, as your legal counsel I must 
               advise against this.
 
               
               (They get out with the mannequin)

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's car)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine are sitting in the car with the mannequin between 
               them. Jerry looks at the two Elaines beside him.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know about you, but I'm getting 
               a hankering for some doublemint gum. 
               I'm dropping you off at work, right?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Where are you going?

               
                             JERRY
               Poppie's

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (a restaurant)

               
               (George with MacKenzie and two other businessmen are walking 
               to a table)
 
               
                             MACKENZIE
               Thanks for meeting me down here George. 
               My office is out of control, (George's 
               pants are making noise) phones ringing, 
               people running in and out. (MacKenzie 
               stops talking and walking, George too) 
               Did you hear something?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I didn't hear anything.

               
                             MACKENZIE
               Huh, that's strange. (they start walking 
               again) It's quieter here. We can concentrate 
               without people wooshing around... (he 
               stops again, George too) That sound 
               again. Sure you didn't hear anything?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, can't say as I did.

               
                             MACKENZIE
               Kind of like a... rustling.

               
                             GEORGE
               Could be the leaves...

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Poppie's)

               
               (Audrey talks to a client on the phone)

               
                             AUDREY
               That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll 
               see you at 8:00. Bye-bye.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             AUDREY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             JERRY
               So how was the pie?

               
                             AUDREY
               What pie?

               
                             JERRY
               The apple pie you had today at Monks
 
               
               
                             AUDREY
               I'm very busy here.

               
                             JERRY
               Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you 
               should've tasted it.
 
               
                             AUDREY
               You better not let Poppie see you here.
 
               
               
               (a man in a coat, a Health Inspector, comes to Audrey)

               
                             HEALTH INSPECTOR
               All right, I'm looking for someone named 
               Poppie.
 
               
                             AUDREY
               Uh, who are you?

               
                             HEALTH INSPECTOR
               Board of health, we've had several complaints.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to 
               wash his hands)
 
               
                             HEALTH INSPECTOR
               Are you Poppie?

               
                             POPPIE
               I'm Poppie.

               
                             HEALTH INSPECTOR
               I think you'd better come with me.
 
               
               
                             POPPIE
               What's the problem?

               
               (Poppie leaves with the Health Inspector)

               
                             AUDREY
               What do they want from Poppie?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, Poppie's a little sloppy.

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (at the restaurant with MacKenzie)

               
               (everybody's laughing at the table)

               
                             MACKENZIE
               You taught I'd care about your pants 
               wooshing?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I heard the last guy got fired because 
               his nose whislted.
 
               
                             MACKENZIE
               No, no, no. He got fired because he 
               wasn't a team player. That's something 
               we don't joke about at MacKenzie. You'll 
               find we're team here George. We don't 
               tolerate dissent. If you want to go 
               your own way, you're in the wrong place.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No problem there. Conformity is an obsession 
               with me.
 
               
               (The waiter brings dessert)

               
                             WAITER
               Chocolate cream pie. Compliments of 
               the house.
 
               
                             MACKENZIE
               Oh! Hope you saved room for dessert.
 
               
               
                             WAITER
               (to George) The chef said that he made 
               it special for you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh... (George looks around and sees 
               the chef hiding behind a plant: it's 
               Bob!)
 
               
                             MACKENZIE
               Mmm.. Best pie I've ever tasted. Take 
               a bite George. (George shakes his head 
               doing "no") Well, take a bite. It's 
               delicious. (still shaking) I insist. 
               (still shaking)
 
               
                             BUSINESSMAN
               If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.
 
               
               
               (still shaking)

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Monk's)

               
               (evening, George, Jerry and Kramer at a booth, Olive at the cash)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you didn't get the job.

               
                             GEORGE
               No. But I was the only one at the table 
               that didn't get violently ill.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her 
               like this, you're gonna have to say 
               something.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What am I supposed to say?

               
                             JERRY
               Tell her you lost your itch.

               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to your itch?

               
                             KRAMER
               I lost it two days ago. I've been faking 
               it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well you should tell her.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll let her down easy. All right. (he 
               gets up and walks to Olive) Well, hi 
               Olive. (she reaches for Kramer's back) 
               No, no. No more of that. There's something 
               I have to tell you.
 
               
                             OLIVE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, well, there's someone else.

               
                             OLIVE
               Someone else?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, yeah...

               
                             OLIVE
               Who is she?

               
                             KRAMER
               Her. (he points to the Elaine mannequin 
               in Jerry's car)
 
               
                             OLIVE
               her?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, there she is. That's my gal.
 
               
               
                             OLIVE
               You're a liar. I've seen her in here 
               before. She's not your girlfriend.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Now Olive, look, I'm sorry.

               
                             OLIVE
               Why is she wearing her underwear?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's a style. (turns back to Jerry) 
               Jerry give me the keys. (Jerry throws 
               his keys to Kramer) Well, I guess we're 
               gonna go for a drive now. She really 
               loves that.
 
               
               (Kramer gets into Jerry's car and starts making out with the 
               mannequin while Olive is looking through the window. But it doesn't 
               work quite as good as Kramer was hoping cause the mannequin's 
               hand fall out from the arm!)
 
               
               (Commercials cut the scene but we assume Kramer left with Jerry's 
               car and the mannequin. Jerry and George are still at the table, 
               eating dessert)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Did you ever solve the riddle of the 
               pie?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. That's one for the ages. But I think 
               they're gonna put Poppie away for a 
               long long time.
 
               
               (Elaine enters and sit with Jerry and George. Olive is looking 
               at her, confused.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You guys are not gonna believe this. 
               I just got a letter from a friend of 
               mine in Chicago who's shopping, and 
               she said she saw a mannequin that looked 
               just like me. What if there're more. 
               Where are they coming from?
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (The building where Ricky works. Ricky's the guy in "The Cigar 
               Store Indian" who made a bouquet for Elaine from Frank's TV guide.)
 
               
               
                             RICKY'S BOSS
               Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous 
               response to your TR-6 mannequin.
 
               
                             RICKY
               TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... 
               Elaine.
 
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Pie



Writers :   Tom Gammill  Max Pross
Genres :   Comedy


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