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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE PILOT PART 1



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (night club)

               
                             JERRY
               To me, the whole concept of fear of 
               success is proof that we are definitely 
               scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. 
               Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings 
               for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my 
               name is Bill, and the one thing I'm 
               worried about is to have a stereo and 
               a cream-colored couch." According to 
               most studies, people's number-one fear 
               is public speaking. Number two is death. 
               *Death* is number two! Now, this means 
               to the average person, if you have to 
               go to a funeral, you're better off in 
               the casket than doing the eulogy.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's)

               
               (Jerry is entering his apartment, following by Kramer)

               
                             KRAMER
               Why can't I play Kramer?

               
                             JERRY
               Look we've been through this already. 
               You're not an actor!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Neither are you.

               
                             JERRY
               I know. So why do we need two people 
               in the show that can't act?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to 
               act. You say something, I'll pretend 
               it's funny.
 
               
                             JERRY
               My grandmother's in the hospital.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the 
               hospital!
 
               
                             JERRY
               This is real believable.

               
                             KRAMER
               What you didn't think I was really laughing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It stinks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Let me see you do it.

               
                             JERRY
               Say something funny.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright. I've never been to Mars but 
               I imagine it's quite lovely.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah..........

               
                             KRAMER
               Mine was better than that! Come on look. 
               (starts to laugh again, Jerry too)
 
               
               
               (George enters while they're both laughing)

               
                             GEORGE
               Why are two pretending to be laughing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               We're acting. (they stop laughing)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, real good. (George makes a face 
               like: you stink) Any word from NBC?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't understand. They're supposed 
               to be casting this week. Something's 
               wrong. Maybe they're not doing it.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (to Jerry) Well at least let me audition.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to George) He wants to play Kramer 
               in the Pilot.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (to George) Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               Out of the question.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oughh!

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) How could we not hear anything? 
               What's with this Russel? What's he doing? 
               (Jerry raises his arms and shoulders 
               like: he doesn't know)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Peter McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant)

               
               (Elaine and Russell are sitting down at a table)

               
                             RUSSELL
               I really appreciate you coming.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, that's O.K. I don't have much time 
               though. So...
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               All right, first of all, I want to apologize 
               for all the phone calls. It's just--It's 
               just-- (awkward pause) I don't understand, 
               we went out once...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That was two months ago.

               
                             RUSSELL
               Yes I know. I just-- I can't get you 
               out of my mind. Ever since that-- that 
               day in the restaurant when we met... 
               (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes' 
               of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking 
               Russell for his Ketchup secret)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Russell, you are the president of NBC. 
               You can have any woman you want. (picks 
               up the bowl of munchies on the table)
 
               
               
                             RUSSELL
               But I want you.

               
                             ELAINE
               God I hate these mixtures. Why don't 
               they just put pretzels on the table. 
               Even peanuts would be good, but I don't 
               know how eats these cheesy things (she 
               does).
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               Is it something I said... or did?

               
                             ELAINE
               Um... Look Russell... You're a very 
               sweet guy. But I got to be honest with 
               you. I don't like television... and 
               that's your world. That's your life. 
               I mean maybe if you were in... I don't 
               know... Greenpeace or something, that 
               would be different, but network television... 
               I mean, come on, Russell, you're part 
               of the problem.
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very 
               interesting things right now. We've 
               got some very exciting pilots for next 
               season. We have one with a bright young 
               comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah, oh yeah. I've heard of him. 
               He's that "Did you ever notice this? 
               Did you ever notice that?" guy.
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               Yeah. Anyway it's a ground breaking 
               show.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really? What is it about?

               
                             RUSSELL
               (a little more enthusiast) Well, really, 
               it's very unusual. It's about nothing.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (surprised) What do you mean it's about 
               nothing?
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               (starts doing George at the first meeting 
               with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example, 
               what did you do today?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Um, I got up. Um, I went to work. Then 
               I came here.
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               There's a show. that's a show.

               
                             ELAINE
               Russell, see, I'm really not interested 
               in this stuff and I do have to go to 
               work (she gets up). So...
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               (stops doing George, he's down again) 
               Elaine, When--when--when are we gonna 
               see each other again.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. 
               (Russell, still sitting watches her 
               leaving).
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's)

               
               (back to when we left earlier with Jerry, Kramer and George. 
               Jerry is answering the phone while Kramer is about to go back 
               into his apartment)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! 
               It's for you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He's getting phone calls here now? (he's 
               standing near the counter and eating 
               chips out of a big bag)
 
               
               (Kramer sits down and starts to talk on the phone)

               
                             JERRY
               (to George) Again with the sweat pants?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What? I'm comfortable.

               
                             JERRY
               You know the message you're sending 
               out to the world with these sweat pants? 
               You're telling the world: "I give up. 
               I can't compete in normal society. I'm 
               miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." 
               (George is baffled)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (to the phone) Hold on a second I got 
               another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call 
               you back. (Jerry and George look at 
               each other)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to Kramer) Who is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               That's NBC.

               
                             JERRY
               NBC!?! Give me the phone!

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm in the middle of a conversation 
               here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Get off the phone!

               
                             KRAMER
               (to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. 
               (hangs up)
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know I'm waiting to hear from them. 
               Who was it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Russell Dalrimple's secretary.

               
                             JERRY
               All right. Now you're doing something 
               to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah 
               it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. 
               Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs 
               up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 
               4:00. We're in business baby, the pilot's 
               on. You're gonna successful. (George 
               looks disappointed)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Dana's office)

               
                             GEORGE
               What if the pilot gets picked up and 
               it becomes a series?
 
               
                             DANA
               That'd be wonderful George, you'll be 
               rich and successful.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried 
               about. God would never let me be successful. 
               He'd kill me first. He'd never let me 
               be happy.
 
               
                             DANA
               I thought you didn't believe in God?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I do for the bad things.

               
                             DANA
               Do you hear what you're saying? God 
               isn't out to get you George. What... 
               What is that on your lip?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             DANA
               It's like a discoloration. It's white.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (gets up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, 
               it's white. Why it's white.
 
               
                             DANA
               You'd better get that checked out.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Better get that checked out?

               
                             DANA
               I would.

               
                             GEORGE
               What kind of a therapist are you? I'm 
               telling I'm scared that something terrible 
               is gonna happen to me, right away you 
               start looking for tumors?
 
               
                             DANA
               I'm trying to help you.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you like a sadist? No matter 
               how bad somebody feels, you can make 
               'em feel worse. I bet you're rooting 
               for a tumor. (pointing to her)
 
               
                             DANA
               I think you'd better go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh I'm going baby! I'm going! (he leaves)
 
               
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Jerry and George in a cab at a light)

               
                             JERRY
               Where?

               
                             GEORGE
               Right here. (showing his lip)

               
                             JERRY
               Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry 
               knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The 
               Heart Attack')
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to the cab driver) Excuse me, do you 
               see anything on my lip here?
 
               
                             CABBIE
               Yeah, it's like a discoloration.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, my God.

               
                             CABBIE
               Yeah, it's all white.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's 
               all white!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Would you stop?

               
                             CABBIE
               I would get that checked out if I were 
               you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Again with the checked out. I'm not 
               going to the doctor. If I don't to the 
               doctor, then nothing will happen to 
               me. If I go he might find something.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               If you go, maybe they'll catch it in 
               time.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Catch what in time?

               
                             JERRY
               Whatever it is.

               
                             GEORGE
               You think it's something?

               
                             CABBIE
               Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy 
               rags. No no no, I don't want it, get 
               away, get away from my car (he starts 
               his wipers)
 
               
               
                             JOE DEVOLA
               (through the opened window's cab) Good 
               luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls 
               away)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (NBC)

               
               (Stu and Jay are sitting. George is standing in front of them, 
               asking about his lip. The Casting Director, a woman, is sitting 
               across from them on a couch. Jerry is in the back, standing and 
               looking through the window. There's a box of raisins on the coffee 
               table.)
 
               
                             STU
               (to George) Yeah I think I see it. It's 
               like a white discoloration.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jay) What do you think it is?

               
                             JAY
               It's like a... white discoloration. 
               (we understand now why a sitcom needs 
               so many producers)
 
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               O.K. guys, are we ready to start?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he 
               was gonna be here.
 
               
               (George sits down next to Stu and Jay, and grabs a magazine and 
               the box of raisins. Jerry walks over to Goerge and sits next 
               to him.)
 
               
                             STU
               Oh you know I don't know. I saw him 
               in the hall this morning, I said hello 
               to him. He walked right past me.
 
               
                             JAY
               He must be worried about the fall schedule.
 
               
               
                             STU
               Ah, it's a real bear.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. So what's going on? We're gonna 
               shoot the pilot and then it's gonna 
               be on TV the following week?
 
               
                             STU
               Yeah. Right.

               
               (the casting director enters with an actor)

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning 
               for the role of George. (the guy looks 
               very cool and casual, and has a lot 
               of hair)
 
               
                             MARK
               Hey how you doing?

               
                             JERRY
               (thinking) They've gotta be kidding.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (thinking) This guy's perfect.

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading 
               Jerry's part.
 
               
                             MARK
               Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? 
               (George is the only one in the room 
               to find Mark funny)
 
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               No. Why?

               
                             MARK
               Listen to me. I told the unemployment 
               office I was close to a job with Vandelay 
               Industries and I gave them your phone 
               number. So, when you answer the phone 
               now, you've got to say: "Vandelay Industries".
 
               
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               I'm Vandelay Industries?

               
                             MARK
               Right.

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               What is that?

               
                             MARK
               You're in latex.

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               What do I do with latex?

               
                             MARK
               I don't know, you manufacture it.

               
               (scene cuts)

               
               (the casting director enters with another actor)

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               This is Michael Barth. Another George. 
               (he's in sweat pants, bald, with glasses)
 
               
               
                             ALL
               Hi Michael. How you doing?

               
                             JERRY
               Everything all right?

               
                             MICHAEL
               I just came from the podiatrist. I have 
               a mole on my foot. I've got a little 
               gangrene, they're probably gonna have 
               to amputate. (everyone laugh except 
               George)
 
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               Any questions?

               
                             MICHAEL
               Yeah. What are we looking at here? Is 
               this guy like a real loser?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, not a loser!

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               Let's start with the second scene. You 
               have it here?
 
               
                             MICHAEL
               A man gave me a, you know, massage. 
               (everyone laugh except George)
 
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               So?

               
                             MICHAEL
               Well, he-- he had his hands, you know, 
               and uh, he was, huh, ...
 
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               He was what?

               
                             MICHAEL
               He was you know... he was touching and 
               rubbing. (loud laughter)
 
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               That's a massage.

               
                             MICHAEL
               I think it moved.

               
               (scene cuts)

               
               (the casting director enters with a beautiful actress)

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               This is Melissa Shannon.

               
                             MELISSA
               Hi.

               
                             ALL
               Hi. How you doing.

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               Melissa is reading for Elaine.

               
                             MELISSA
               It's like a bald convention out there! 
               (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made 
               a faux pas.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No you didn't. He knows he's bald.
 
               
               
                             MELISSA
               So how about that guy wearing sweat 
               pants? I mean did he do that for the 
               part or does he walk around like that? 
               (Jerry approves with a nod, George drops 
               his notepad on the coffee table)
 
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the 
               casting director sit down)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll 
               read with her.
 
               
                             MELISSA
               Oh, great.

               
               (the casting director leaves the chair to Jerry. Jerry sits in 
               front of Melissa and slides the chair very close to her)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, want to start?

               
                             MELISSA
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               O.K.

               
                             MELISSA
               Ahem. What was that look?

               
                             JERRY
               What look?

               
                             MELISSA
               That look you just gave me?

               
                             JERRY
               I gave a look?

               
                             MELISSA
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Thank you! Thank you very much. (Jerry 
               and Melissa stop and look at George)
 
               
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               Let's see some more Kramers.

               
               (We see many short scenes with a wide variety of fat, tall, or 
               small actors opening the door like Kramer does. Finally enters 
               Tom Pepper, the guy that will get the role of Kramer)
 
               
                             ALL
               Hi. How you doing?

               
                             TOM
               (to Jerry and very seriously) How you 
               doing?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (smiling and surprised at the way Tom 
               is talking) Good.
 
               
               (scene cuts)

               
               (Tom and the casting director are into a scene)

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               What is this about?

               
                             TOM
               (standing) Levels.

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               Levels?

               
                             TOM
               Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my 
               furniture. All of it! I'm building... 
               levels... with steps... completely carpeted... 
               (making the gesture of carpeting steps) 
               with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits 
               down) Like Ancient Egypt.
 
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable 
               like that?
 
               
                             TOM
               Oh! I'll be comfortable. (laughter, 
               applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee 
               table)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Very nice

               
                             JERRY
               Very good

               
                             GEORGE
               Very nice Tom, that was terrific.

               
                             TOM
               May I? (pointing the box of raisins)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom 
               eats some raisins)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to George) It was a wonderful reading.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Really.

               
                             TOM
               Well, bye.

               
                             GEORGE
               Take care. Take it easy. (Tom leaves 
               with the casting director)
 
               
                             STU
               Now, I thought he was really good, very 
               funny.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I liked him.

               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to the raisins?

               
                             JAY
               Yeah, there was a box of raisins there!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Did he just steal the raisins?

               
                             STU
               You think he stole them?

               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               (enters with the real Kramer) This is 
               Martin Van Nostrand.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to Kramer) What are you doing here?
 
               
               
                             CASTING DIRECTOR
               You two know each other?

               
                             STU
               Wait a minute, I know you. You're the 
               guy from the Calvin Klein underwear 
               ads.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               That's true.

               
               (Jerry and George look at each other. They're gonna let Kramer 
               have a shot at it. Kramer unfold the script and smile at Jerry 
               and George, very confident.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (acting very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio 
               in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time, 
               I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! 
               Uh, where's the bathroom?
 
               
                             STU
               I think if you go down the hall, it's 
               on the right at the very end.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Be right back. (Kramer leaves)
 
               
               
                             
               "Sorry buddy, full house." We then see 
               Kramer outside leaving the building 
               and running across the street to a restaurant: 
               "Sorry, customers only" ...running into 
               a movie theater: "Hey you need a ticket!" 
               ...running through the park...)
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Monk's)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine at a booth)

               
                             ELAINE
               So who's playing Elaine?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, 
               very takented young actress.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Who is it?

               
                             JERRY
               She's an eskimo, actually.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She came down from Juno by sleigh, she 
               was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish 
               line, just kept going. She's got the 
               dogs with her in the hotel room.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, was Russell at the casting?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, he didn't show up.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, I'm a little bit worried about 
               him. I don't understand. We had one 
               date two months ago. Am I that charming 
               and beautiful?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. No you're not.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why do I keep setting you up?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             ELAINE
               (to the waitress) Could we get a little 
               more? (she doesn't listen and walks 
               away) Aghh... You know ever since this 
               new owner took over, the service here 
               is *really* slow.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Have you noticed anything else 
               that's different since the new management?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Mmm. They're putting a little lemon 
               in the tuna. I love that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Beside that. Look at the waitresses.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses 
               have big breasts)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What physical characteristic would you 
               say is common to all of them?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah...

               
                             JERRY
               I mean look at this. Every waitress 
               working here has the same proportions. 
               Wouldn't you say?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, I would say.

               
                             JERRY
               What's going on here. How is that possible?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you think it's a coincidence?

               
                             JERRY
               No. I haven't seen four women like this 
               together outside of a Russ Meyer film.
 
               
               
               (the waitress finally came with the coffee)

               
                             ELAINE
               (to the waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who 
               does all the hiring waitresses here?
 
               
               
                             WAITRESS
               He does. (pointing to the manager, Mr. 
               Visaki) In fact we're looking for another 
               girl if you know anyone. (she walks 
               away)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know what? That's discriminatory. 
               That is unfair. Why should these women 
               have all the advantages? It's not enough 
               they get all the attention from men, 
               they have to get all the waitress jobs, 
               too?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey that's life. Good-looking men have 
               the same advantages. You don't see any 
               handsome homeless.
 
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (doctor's clinic)

               
                             GEORGE
               You see, It's right here. It's all white...
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Oh yeah. Yeah. I've never seen this 
               before.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You've never seen this before?

               
                             DOCTOR
               I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on that. 
               (George grabs the doctor's arm)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (dramatically) A what?

               
                             DOCTOR
               A biopsy.

               
                             GEORGE
               A biopsy?

               
                             DOCTOR
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?
 
               
               
                             DOCTOR
               Well I don't know what it is.

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Jerry's)

               
                             GEORGE
               A biopsy!

               
                             JERRY
               What did he say?

               
                             GEORGE
               He said he didn't know what it was.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright. So?

               
                             GEORGE
               When I asked him if it was cancer, he 
               didn't give me a "get outta here". That's 
               what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get 
               outta here?"
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta 
               here" kind of personality.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How could you be a doctor and not say 
               "get outta here"? It should be part 
               of the training at medical school: "Cancer? 
               Get outta here!" "Go home! What are 
               you crazy? It's a little test. It's 
               nothing. You're a real nut. You know 
               that?" (Jerry gives him half of his 
               sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I 
               told you that God would never let me 
               be successful. I never should've written 
               that pilot. Now the show will be a big 
               hit, we'll make millions of dollars, 
               and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because 
               of this. (showing his lip)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can't you at least die with a little 
               dignity?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No I can't. I can't die with dignity. 
               I have no dignity. I want to be the 
               one person who doesn't die with dignity. 
               I live my whole life in shame. Why should 
               I die with dignity?
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. What happened to you yesterday?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I got mugged.

               
                             GEORGE
               You got mugged?

               
                             JERRY
               Mugged?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much 
               but I was running home to go to the 
               bathroom.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why didn't you use the bathroom in the 
               building?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It was full. I tried a few other places, 
               you know, but that didn't work. I mean 
               it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really 
               percolating... So I decided to run home 
               through the park and then these two 
               guys they stopped me and...
 
               
               (door buzzer)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's me.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up.

               
                             KRAMER
               But now I have a big problem, buddy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I waited so long I-- I missed 
               my chance.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You didn't go?

               
                             KRAMER
               No. And now I can't get it back.

               
               (George gives back the sandwich to Jerry and goes to the bathroom)
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               How could you not think about it?

               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               (mumbles and leaves)

               
                             ELAINE
               What's the matter with him?

               
                             JERRY
               He's a little backed up.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...

               
               (George gets back from the bathroom and takes back the sandwich 
               from Jerry's hand and sit on the couch.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               So I spoke to some of my sisters about 
               that coffee shop.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table)
 
               
               
               (Elaine goes into Jerry' bedroom)

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) Have you seen the waitresses 
               in there lately? I never had so much 
               coffee in my life.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So we decided I should go over there 
               and apply for a job myself.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Apply for a job? What for?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because, it's discriminatory (she comes 
               back wearing one of Jerry's shirt, untucked)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's a coincidence.

               
                             JERRY
               This is what you gonna wear?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               You're not gonna get the job.

               
                             ELAINE
               Exactly.

               
               (phone rings, Jerry gets up and answers, Elaine sits on the couch's 
               arm next to George and takes a bite of his sandwich)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I 
               guess we could do that. At what time? 
               All right. I'll see you there. O.K., 
               bye. (hangs up)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Who was it?

               
                             JERRY
               TV Elaine. She wants to get together 
               and talk about the part.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What about the dogs?

               
                             JERRY
               They're having sex in the hotel room.
 
               
               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Peter McManus cafe, same table as earlier)

               
                             
               Sandi Robbins)

               
                             SANDI
               So, the Elaine character is based on 
               someone you know.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             SANDI
               And she's really your ex-girlfriend?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, Huh, yeah.

               
                             SANDI
               I want to get to know her from the inside. 
               What is she like? Tell me about her.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. 
               She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, 
               and seeing people running for their 
               lives. She loves throwing garbage out 
               the window, yet she's extremely dainty.
 
               
               
                             SANDI
               How would she eat a hamburger?

               
                             JERRY
               With her hands.

               
                             SANDI
               What about pasta?

               
                             JERRY
               Also with her hands.

               
                             SANDI
               Seriously... I want to experience everything 
               she's experienced.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Everything?

               
                             SANDI
               Everything.

               
                             JERRY
               All right she cuts her pasta with a 
               knife.
 
               
                             SANDI
               That's good. What's her favorite movie?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Shaft.

               
                             SANDI
               You got to get me a picture. What about 
               sex?
 
               
                             JERRY
               She likes talking during sex.

               
                             SANDI
               Oh... dirty talking?

               
                             JERRY
               No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, 
               regular stuff. You know Sandi-- (looking 
               at his watch)
 
               
                             SANDI
               Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             SANDI
               Call me Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               All right. Elaine.

               
                             SANDI
               How does Elaine kiss?

               
                             JERRY
               Well--

               
                             SANDI
               Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses 
               Jerry)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Actually she has a thing where she spirals 
               her tongue around, it's like--
 
               
                             SANDI
               Like this? (kisses again but with the 
               spiral)
 
               
                             JERRY
               I think you got it.

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (Monk's)

               
               (Kramer and Tom at a the booth behind the cashier)

               
               
                             TOM
               I'll have a hamburger. That's it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to 
               play golf.
 
               
                             TOM
               This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, 
               I'm gonna do the character like me, 
               not like you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You gotta play him like me. I'm Karmer.
 
               
               
                             TOM
               I'm Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa, I'm Kramer.

               
               (scene cuts to Elaine who enters and walks to the manager)

               
                             MR. VISAKI
               (foreign accent) What can I do for you? 
               Would you like a table.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I'd like to apply for a waitress 
               job.
 
               
                             MR. VISAKI
               (looks Elaine up and down) Have you 
               ever waited on tables before.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah. I've been a professional waitress 
               for the last 10 years. I've worked all 
               over the city. These, uh, are my references. 
               I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than 
               qualified.
 
               
                             MR. VISAKI
               I don't think I need anyone else right 
               now.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You're in big trouble mister. And I 
               mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she 
               leaves)
 
               
                             MR. VISAKI
               What? What did I do?

               
               (scene ends)

               
               (The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office)

               
                             ELAINE
               Anyway there's at least four of them, 
               and they're all huge. And one is bigger 
               than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer 
               movie.
 
               
                             FRED
               Who's Russ Meyer?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible 
               movies in the 70's with these kinds 
               of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed 
               with breasts. That's hard to say.
 
               
               
                             FRED
               Anyway, go on.

               
                             ELAINE
               Um... Well, there's not really much 
               more to tell. He was looking for waitresses, 
               and I went in to apply for the job. 
               And, he looked me up and down and he 
               rejected me.
 
               
                             FRED
               (to a guy in the hall at the water cooler 
               machine) Paul. Come in for a second. 
               I want you to listen to this.
 
               
                             PAUL
               (to Elaine) Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             FRED
               Paul, woman here claims there's a restaurant 
               on the West side that's only hiring 
               large-breasted women.
 
               
                             PAUL
               (to Elaine) Really?

               
               
               
               
                           THE END



The Pilot Part 1



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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