THE PILOT PART 2
(NBC, pilot's set)
(Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George
is standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay,
Stu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers)
What do you mean made up?
It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up.
It's not Danish.
No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is
What do you mean Danish?
(to the guy next to him) This guy stinks.
(speaking of Michael)
Danish. Is it from Denmark?
No, they make it in New Jersey. It's
just a Danishy name.
I can't believe that. They fooled *me*
(to Jay) Boy, talk about a show about
nothing. (Jay, the integral producer,
Uh, excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing)
Excuse me. (he walks to the guy's in
charge of yelling: "take #!") This--This
is not right. May I? (the guy looks
at George with a bothered face. George
then walks up to Tom and takes him away
from Jerry and Michael to talk to him
in private)(to Tom) You see, you're
going: "They fooled *me* Jerry!" (George
shakes his head with disapproval) You
wanna hit 'fooled' more: "They *fooled*
me Jerry!". You see the difference?
I'm not gonna say it like that.
Just a suggestion. (chuckles and walks
back to the yelling guy)
(with the same bothered face and while
he's looking at George) All right everybody,
take a five.
(very casual and raising his hand in
the air) Yep. That's five!
George? (walks away to talk privately.
George, still casual, taps on Jerry's
shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience
with this acting stuff. But from what
I can gather, they're a little touchy
about being told how to say the lines.
Why is that?
I don't know, but they don't seem to
like it. By the way how am I doing?
Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking
at Tom in the back and then quieter
to Jerry) So you think this guy playing
Kramer took the raisins?
Why would he steal a box of raisins?
Yeah, it's bizarre. (they both look
around them suspiciously)
(scene cuts to the bleachers with the producers)
(to Jay about Russell) What's with him?
(to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell?
Yeah. No, uh, I was just thinking of
something. I'll be back in a second.
(he gets up and leaves)
(scene cuts to Jerry sitting next to Sandi. They're both going
through their copy of the script)
What's the matter?
You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?
Are you breaking up with me?
Are we going out?
You're breaking up with me, aren't you?
Do you want me to break up with you?
If that's what you want.
I don't even know what you're talking
Fine. Break up with me.
All right. We're broken up.
(little pause) Can we still be friends?
(Jerry raises his head, staring ahead
and wondering what's going on)
(scene cuts to George and Tom standing, backstage)
Remember when you came to audition for
There was a box of raisins on the coffee
table. Did you, by any chance, take
them with you when left?
What are you talking about?
Well we were all eating the raisins.
And I remember you--you were eating
some of the raisins. And then you left,
and the raisins were gone. And I was
just wondering if, you know (chuckles),
maybe you took them with you.
Are you accusing me of stealing the
Oh, no, no--
(angry) Why would I steal a box of raisins!?
No you wouldn't. Nobody would. It's
just that... they were missing, and...
well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously)
Let me give you a word of advice. O.K.?
I want you to stay away from me. I don't
wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna
hear anymore of your stupid little notes
and suggestions. I don't like you. So
if you got any other problems whether
it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other
dried fruit, just keep it to yourself
and stay out of my way, O.K.?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think
we're gonna have any problem with that.
(chuckles nervously) Good talking to
you Tom. Really.
(scene cuts to Russell, still on the set, but on the phone with
(nervously, almost desperately) Elaine.
Elaine. What do you want? What can I
do? Is it my job? Is that what it is?
Elaine I can't go on like this. Will
you call me? Would you call me? Well,
why? All right. May I call you? Elaine?
Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks
by, bumps into Russell and spills coffee
accidentally on him)
Excuse me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry.
All right. All right. What's your name?
Get out! You're fired!
But Mr. Dalrimple--
Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear
what I say? Get out! You want me to
call the cops? I make and break little
worms like you every day. Do you know
how much money I make? Do you have any
idea! Do you know where I live? I can
have any woman in this city that I want.
Any one. Now, GET OUT! (David leaves.
Everyone on the set is looking at Russell)
What are you all looking at? Go back
to work! BACK! NOW! (they do, Russell
The doc called and said the lab's backed
up and now I'm not gonna get the results
for another two days.
Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong
with you. I'm the one who's dying.
What do you mean?
Because I can't act! I stink! I don't
what I'm doing!
Come on you're... uh... you're fine.
This show's gonna ruin my entire career.
I don't know how I got involved in this.
What about me? I was a total failure.
Everything was fine. Now this thing's
gonna be a success and God's gonna give
me a terminal disease.
This actress playing Elaine, she's out
of her mind.
The guy playing Kramer threatened me.
'cause I asked him about the raisins.
You mentioned the raisins.
Did he take 'em?
I don't know.
Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened
That's what I'm trying to find out.
(Kramer enters slowly and carefully)
No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.
What about bran?
Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand
on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time
to consider the dreaded apparatus.
Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're
suggesting what I think you're suggesting,
you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry,
under any circumstances, doing any inserting
in that area.
Oh, it's not that bad!
Yes it is.
Well it's all taken care of. I filed
a report. An investigation is underway.
(to Elaine) So, you going to the taping
No. I don't think I should go. I really
don't wanna bump into Russell. He called
me the other day. He won't quit.
Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless.
He's got a little crush on you.
Jerry, this is not a crush. This is
a complete fixation. he makes me very
We need you there!
(to Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?
No. No. I'm gonna stay home. I want
to be close to my home base in case
there's any news from the front. (he
(NBC, pilot's set, the taping)
The taping is about to begin.
People are walking into the studio.
Jerry is getting a makeup.
Michael walks around backstage, he seems nervous and agitated.
Rita, Stu and Jay are sitting in the crowd. Russell is missing.
George looks at his lip in a mirror.
Tom is sitting in his dressing room, eating the raisins.
Elaine walks into the studio, wearing and adjusting a blonde
short-haired wig, and also wearing bold glsasses.
Scene cuts to the drugstore where Kramer is buying the dreaded
Sandi, sitting next to Jerry who's still getting a makeup, is
having her hair done.
(to her hairdresser) No! Pick it up
more in the front! It's got to be higher!
Higher! Make a wall! A wall!
Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi?
(scene cuts to the crowd. Elaine is sitting in the front with
her disguise, and a guy behind her taps on her shoulder)
Elaine? It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember?
Camp Tioga-- 1978? Remember?
Wow! You know you haven't changed a
(scene cuts to Michael, backstage, still walking around nervously.
He sees Jerry and runs to him)
I can't remember my lines!!!
Just relax, you'll be fine.
I can't relax. I don't know what line!
I don't know any of 'em!
You're just like George. George'd do
the same thing. You're just like him.
Help me Jerry! Help me!
(scene cuts to the producers in the crowd)
(to Stu) Where is Russell?
You know I don't know. I thought he
was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss
He hasn't been well.
(to Rita) Can I tell you something in
confidence? I think it's a woman.
(scene cuts to George on the same phone as Russell earlier)
This is George Costanza, I'm calling
for my test results. Negative? Oh, my
God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative
is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid
of me. Thank you. Thank you very much.
(he hangs up)
(scene cuts to the crowd and we see Joe Devola is there)
(scene cuts to Kramer entering his apartment with the dreaded
(scene cuts to George, happy, eating and double-dipping chips.
Tom is staring at him, George notices him, and aborts a double-dip)
(he walks casually to Tom, and taps
his arm) Listen. I know we've had our
problems in the past, but we got a show
to do tonight. Time to pull together
as a team. Life's too short. I say,
let's let bygones be bygones. If you
took the raisins, if you didn't take
the raisins-- They weren't even my raisins.
I was just curious because it seems
like a strange to do to walk into a
room, audition, and to walk out with
a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever.
If you ever want to tell me about it,
the door to my office is always opened.
In the event that I get an office. You'll
come in, we'll talk about the raisins.
We'll have a nice laugh.
How would you like it if I just pulled
your heart out of your chest right now,
and shoved it down your throat?
(scene cuts to the presentor, Pat Hazell, talking to the crowd)
Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd
applause) All right.
(scene cuts to Kramer holding and staring at the dreaded apparatus,
then closing his bathroom's door.)
(scene cuts to Jerry, holding a microphone and talking to the
Good evening, folks. How you doing?
(small reaction from the crowd) Well,
you sound like a great crowd. We have
a show we're gonna put on for you tonight.
It's a new TV show. It's what they call
a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series.
It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing
(getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER
TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony and
on the stage. The crowd is yelling)
Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin?
Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled
out when he shot Lincoln.
Really? What does it mean?
It means: "Death to tyrants".
I can see that.
See, now this is exciting! This is exciting!
Did I miss anything already?
No, it starts in five minutes. You were
there at the taping, what's the big
Nah, now it's on TV. It's different.
I told everybody I know to watch it.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear
Strange. Even not showing up at the
(Kramer enters, singing and dancing)
Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that
gal around, Allemande left with the
old gray hag, around and around you
Well, well, well.
Well, thank you.
You went for the big "E".
Wet and wild.
All right. Come on sit down. It's about
(Elaine finds something under the couch cushions)
Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet.
A wallet? Let me see that.
Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The
one he thought they stole at the doctor's
office that time.
Shh! This is it!
How do you like that?
(Jerry's) Jerry's apartment with Elaine, George and Kramer watching
(TV) The pilot
(Viewers) Characters from the season 4, watching TV in their
home and commenting on the pilot.)
"I get into a car accident. The guy that hit me doesn't have
any insurance. So the judge sentences him to be my butler. Sounds
like a sitcom, doesn't it?"
(they all applause as the intro ends)
(Kramer taps George on the shoulder)
You hurt me.
(Jerry's apartment, Michael knocks and enters)
What do you need new sneakers for?
I like sneakers.
How do you make a decision which one
to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide
which sneakers to wear every day.
Nah, you're crazy anyway.
(Susan and Allison from 'The Smelly Car'. They're eating popcorn,
sitting on a couch)
SUSAN AND ALLSION
(to each other while they recognize
one of George's behaviors in Michael)
(Sid and the housekeeper from 'The Old Man')
What kind of stupid show is this? Hey!
It's that idiot that took all my records!
(the houskeeper starts laughing)
(John-John and Marla the virgin from 'The Contest'. Marla is
under the bed sheets while John-John is sitting at the end of
the bed, with the TV remote in his hands)
John, what are you doing? Come back
(with a Boston accent) This show looks
interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld
fellow you went out with?
Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible!
(The Drake, who went back with the Drakette, Allison, from 'The
Handicap Spot'. They watch the pilot on a tiny mini-TV with a
Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got
to love the Sein!
Hate the Sein! (while she adjusts the
(Ping and Cheryl from 'The Visa'. They talk in Chinese and we
see sub-titles in English)
I can't believe you liked him.
I thought he was dark and disturbed.
(Donald and his parents from 'The Bubble boy'. We see his arm
coming off the bubble, between his parents. He doesn't have the
TV remote anymore. His parents are laughing)
This is a piece of crap!
Donald, you used to like him.
What a sellout! Give me that remote!
(he grabs the remote from his father's hand and the three of
them start to fight)
(Jerry is getting a soda from the refrigerator)
Come on Jerry, the commercials almost
You know Jerry I really like this guy
who's playing the butler.
Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John
(doorbell, Jerry opens the door, it's the butler, Charles)
Hello. So, where do you want me to start
Why don't you start in the bedroom?
(to himself, upset) Start in the bedroom...
Hey. The butler's here.
He is? Listen. When he's finished, send
him over to my house.
I'm not sending him to your house.
Because the judge decreed he'd become
my butler, not my friend's butler.
Jerry, he is your butler. You can give
him any order you want. That's what
But I don't want to.
Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on.
(buzzer, Jerry presses the button)
(from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine.
Come on up.
(The butler comes back from the bedroom with a can of Pledge)
I need more Pledge.
More Pledge! I just bought two cans
last week and I don't even have any
wood in the house!
Well, it goes fast.
(to Charles, very friendly) Hello.
Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom)
What's all this about?
We had a date.
You had a date? You went out with my
butler? Who said you could go out with
Why do I need your permission?
Because he's my butler!
(Morty and Helen laughing)
How could anyone not like him?
(Calvin Klein with Tia from 'The Pick')
I like his style. He has a sort of casual
But he picks his nose.
(Sal Bass and Sidra from 'The Implant')
He's a member of our health club. Isn't
You know that Kim Novak has some big
(Newman sleeping and snoring in his chair while a baseball game
is on TV)
(final monologue at the comedy club)
Ever notice a lot of butlers are named
(quick shot at (Jerry's) they all watch)
You know I think when you name a baby
Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out
his future, wouldn't you say? Not much
chance is gonna be a hitman I think
after that. (with a British accent)
"Terribly sorry Sir, but I'm going to
have to whack you".
(end of the pilot and of the three different settings)
(back to Jerry's)
(applauding and shaking hands) Wooh!
Wow! That was great! That show was so
funny. It was really funny. I'm not
just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.
Let's go out and celebrate! (they all
That was so good.
Come on let's eat something. (phone
You know what I think this thing is
gonna get picked up George. You guys
are gonna be rich!
Do you really think so?
And God didn't kill me.
(to the phone) Hello?
Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson.
Oh, hi Rita.
I'm calling to let you know that Russell
Dalrimple is no longer with this network.
Oh, my God. Did he get fired?
To be honest with you. Nobody really
knows. He seems to have disappeared.
In any event, I've been made the new
president of NBC. As you may or may
not know, Russell and I did not see
eye to eye on many, many projects. And
as my first order of business, I'm,
uh, passing on your show.
You're passing already? But the show
just ended two minutes ago!
Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.
Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up)
(Jerry and George stare at Elaine)
What-- What are you looking at me for?
It was you!
What did I do?
Do you realize his obsession with you
cost us a TV series?
I didn't know that he'd fall for me
and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you
know, that's not my fault.
Yes it is! You're very charming!
I can't believe this? What happened
to him? Where the hell is he?
No one knows.
(Greenpeace raft on the ocean, following a whaler)
(Russell with two other guys in the Greenpeace boat)
She works for Pendant Publishing. She's
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
You know, I used to work for NBC, but
when I go back to her this time, she'll
MAN ON RAFT
You'd better get down. They might start
firing soon. (harpoon fires)
(The restaurant is full of men, some of them standing and waiting
for a table. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer enters)
Hey look at this. What is going on here?
Well, well, well.
Nothing has changed. How did this happen?
(she sees the two guys of the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission at
a table) Ah, these are the two guys
I talked to at the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission. Hey! What are
you two guys doing here? I thought you
were gonna do something about this.
Now you're eating here?
Oh no. That's why we're here. We're
checking things out.
Yeah, we're checking it out.
(to Paul) You're checking it out?
(a man is leaving the restaurant and walks by Fred and Paul's
(to Fred and Paul) See you back at the
Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you
guys ought to move in. How about a piece
of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these
(to the manager) Hey! Come here a second.
I want you to know something. You are
not gonna get away with this!
Get away with what?
Ah, "with what?" You know what. With
the waitresses. How they're all... alike.
Of course they're alike. They're my
(they all show smiles of surprise)
(embarrassed, but smiling) Oh, your
You must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking
his hand) And may I say sir they're
lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls.
It's nice to see such fine upstanding
women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki.
Oh, here's a table for you.
A table right here.
Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy.
Peggy's coming over to serve.
What a family!
My daughter Peggy.
Ah! Peggy. Good to see you.
Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the
menus and walks away) So guess what
I got do tomorrow?
Start looking for a job.
You know what you ought to do George?
You should work for Greenpeace. You
those people they attack the whalers
out on the open sea.
Are you crazy? You take your life in
your hands with those nuts.
(Russell fell off the boat but still hangs on to a rope. The
other man, still in the boat is screaming to him and holds the
Keep fighting matey! Get your head above
the water! I've got you matey! I've
got you! Matey! (he loses the rope)
I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes!
I'll write to her. I'll tell her all
about you and what you did out here!
Goodbye, matey! Goddbye!
(we see the script of the pilot 'Jerry' floating on the ocean)
The Pilot Part 2
Writers : Larry David
Genres : Comedy