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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE PITCH



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (At club bar)

               
               Jerry and George are talking. Stu and Jay enter.

               
                             STU
               Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm 
               with NBC.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             STU
               Could we speak for a few moments?

               
                             JERRY
               Sure.

               
                             JAY
               Hi, Jay Crespi.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, C-R-E-S-P-I?

               
                             JAY
               That's right.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. 
               Give me a last name.
 
               
                             JAY
               Mm, I'm not-

               
                             JERRY
               George-

               
                             GEORGE
               (backing off) Huh? All right, fine.
 
               
               
                             STU
               First of all, that was a terrific show.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh thank you very much.

               
                             STU
               And basically, I just wanted to let 
               you know that we've been
 
               discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested 
               in
 
               doing something.

               
                             JERRY
               Really? Wow.

               
                             STU
               So, if you have any idea for like a 
               TV show for yourself, well,
 
               we'd just love to talk about it.

               
                             JERRY
               I'd be very interested in something 
               like that.
 
               
                             STU
               Well, here, uh, why don't you give us 
               a call and maybe we can develop
 
               a series.

               
               They start to exit.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay. Great. Thanks.

               
                             STU
               It was very nice meeting you.

               
                             JERY
               Thank you.

               
                             JAY
               Nice meeting you.

               
                             JERRY
               Nice meeting you.

               
               (George returns)

               
                             GEORGE
               What was that all about?

               
                             JERRY
               They said they were interested in me.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               For what?

               
                             JERRY
               You know, a TV show.

               
                             GEORGE
               Your own show?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I guess so.

               
                             GEORGE
               They want you to do a TV show?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, they want me to come up with an 
               idea. I mean, I don't have
 
               any ideas.

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on, how hard is that? Look at all 
               the junk that's on TV.
 
               You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in 
               high
 
               school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in 
               gymnastics
 
               and you're pushing him into gymnastics.

               
                             JERRY
               Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Because you're a gymnastics teacher. 
               It's only natural.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But gymnastics is not for everybody.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I know, but he's your son.

               
                             JERRY
               So what?

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, forget that idea, it's not 
               for you....Okay, okay, I
 
               got it. You run an antique store.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah and...?

               
                             GEORGE
               And people come in the store and you 
               get involved in their
 
               lives.

               
                             JERRY
               What person who runs an antique store 
               gets involved in people's
 
               lives?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               So someone comes in to buy an old lamp 
               and all of a sudden I'm
 
               getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist 
               because a
 
               pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I know, but antiques are very popular 
               right now.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No they're not, they used to be.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah, like you know.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh like you do.

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               ...And you're the manager of the circus.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               A circus?

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, this is a great idea. Look 
               at the characters. You've
 
               got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I 
               mean, who
 
               wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for 
               the
 
               tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think so.

               
                             KRAMER
               Look Jerry, the show isn't about the 
               circus, it's about watching
 
               freaks.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think the network will go for 
               it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               Look, I'm not pitching a show about 
               freaks.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh come on Jerry, you're wrong. People 
               they want to watch freaks.
 
               This is a "can't miss."

               
                             NEWMAN
               Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Come on lets go. I got the helmet. Lets 
               get the radar detector.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right I'll be back in a second. 
               You guys coming to my party? (exits)
 
               
               
                             TOGETHER
               Yeah, sure.

               
                             JERRY
               What's this all about?

               
                             NEWMAN
               We're making a trade. I'm giving him 
               my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me 
               his radar detector.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know you had a motorctcle.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well my girlfriend had one.

               
                             JERRY
               You have a girlfriend?

               
                             NEWMAN
               I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty 
               wild.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I never remember you with a girl.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Nevertheless, ...

               
                             JERRY
               This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. 
               You know a radar detector is worth much 
               more than that helmet. I think you're 
               cheating him.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Don't say anything.

               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             JERRY
               You know you're getting gypped over 
               here.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Really, Ah,

               
                             NEWMAN
               We had a deal. Are you reneging out 
               of the deal? Are you reneging? That's 
               a renege.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, stop saying 'reneging".

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well you're reneging.

               
                             KRAMER
               I, Okay, okay. I'm not reneging.

               
               (they try to exchange items but won't let go)

               
                             NEWMAN
               All right give it to me. let go ...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You let go - come on ...(they fight 
               over the items)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Gimme that - just gimme that. Here. 
               Idiots!
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Thanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Does that thing work?

               
                             KRAMER
               Nah.

               
               At Monks.

               
               (Jerry and George enter.)

               
                             JERRY
               ... I just got a postcard from Elaine?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, they're in London now. They'll 
               be back in a few weeks.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe she got involved with 
               a shrink.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, what's happening with the TV show? 
               You come up with anything?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, nothing.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why don't they have salsa on the table?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you need salsa for?

               
                             GEORGE
               Salsa is now the number one condiment 
               in America.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know why? Because people like to 
               say "salsa." "Excuse me, do
 
               you have salsa?" "We need more salsa." "Where is the salsa? No 
               salsa?"
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know it must be impossible for a 
               Spanish person to order
 
               seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) "I wanted seltzer, not salsa."
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               "Don't you know the difference between 
               seltzer and salsa?? You
 
               have the seltezer after the salsa!"

               
                             GEORGE
               See, this should be a show. This is 
               the show.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               This. Just talking.

               
                             JERRY
               (dismissing) Yeah, right.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm really serious. I think that's a 
               good idea.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Just talking? Well what's the show about?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's about nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               No story?

               
                             GEORGE
               No forget the story.

               
                             JERRY
               You've got to have a story.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who says you gotta have a story? Remember 
               when we were waiting for,
 
               for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could 
               be a TV
 
               show.

               
                             JERRY
               And who is on the show? Who are the 
               characters?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I could be a character.

               
                             JERRY
               You?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. You could base a character on 
               me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, on the show, there's a character 
               named George Costanza?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. There's something wrong with that? 
               I'm a character. People are always saying 
               to me, "You know you're a quite a character."
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               And who else is on the show?

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine could be a character. Kramer..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody 
               I know is a character on the show.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Right.

               
                             JERRY
               And it's about nothing?

               
                             GEORGE
               Absolutely nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and 
               tell them I got this idea for a show 
               about nothing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               We go into NBC.

               
                             JERRY
               "We"? Since when are you a writer?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about 
               a sit-com.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You want to go with me to NBC?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I think we really go something 
               here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What do we got?

               
                             GEORGE
               An idea.

               
                             JERRY
               What idea?

               
                             GEORGE
               An idea for the show.

               
                             JERRY
               I still don't know what the idea is.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's about nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               Right.

               
                             GEORGE
               Everybody's doing something, we'll do 
               nothing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've 
               got an idea for a show about nothing.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Exactly.

               
                             JERRY
               They say, "What's your show about?" 
               I say, "Nothing."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               There you go.

               
               (A moment passes)

               
                             JERRY
               (Nodding) I think you may have something 
               there.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's explaining George's idea to Kramer)

               
                             JERRY
               So, the show would be about my real 
               life. And one of the characters would 
               be based on you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Thinks) No, I don't think so.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean you don't think so?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't like it.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't understand. What don't you like 
               about it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't like the idea of a character 
               based on me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             KRAMER
               well it just doesn't sit well.

               
                             JERRY
               You're my neighbor. There's got to be 
               a character based on you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               That's your problem, buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't understand what the big deal 
               is.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do 
               it on one condition.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Whatever you want.

               
                             KRAMER
               I get to play Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               You can't play Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               I am Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               But you can't act.

               
                             KRAMER
               Phew!

               
               (Newman enters)

               
                             JERRY
               Okay, fine. We'll use Newman.

               
                             KRAMER
               Newman?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Use me for what?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothin' What do you want?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, you'll never guess what happened 
               to me today. I was uh, driving ( Jerry 
               and Kramer turn away) home on the palisades 
               parkway when I looked in the rear view 
               mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. 
               And it's funny because my new radar 
               detector was on. I didn't hear a thing. 
               Isn't that strange?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. That's strange.

               
                             NEWMAN
               A radar detector, as I understand it, 
               DETECTS RADAR! WITH A SERIES OF BEEPS 
               AND FLASHING LIGHTS. But oddly, for 
               some reason I didn't hear a thing except 
               for the sound of a police siren.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               That's queer uh?

               
                             NEWMAN
               I WANT MY HELMET BACK! GIVE ME BACK 
               MY HELMET AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR 
               THAT TICKET.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, you better think again Mojumbo.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               You gave me a defective detector. ... 
               Jerry?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Buyer beware.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Are you going to give me back that helmet 
               or not?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees 
               in life.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               No, but there's karma, Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               Karma Kramer?

               
                             NEWMAN
               And one more thing. I'm not coming to 
               your party. (exits)
 
               
               
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               ( NBC reception area)

               
               (Jerry and George are waiting)

               
                             JERRY
               (To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse 
               me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, 
               salsa. (George doesn't react) What's 
               the matter?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Nervous) Nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               You sure? You look a little pale.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What, are you nervous?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. 
               (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! 
               Can't do this!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't do this! I can't do it. I have 
               tried. I'm here. It's impossible.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               This was your idea!

               
                             GEORGE
               What idea? I just said something. I 
               didn't know you were going to listen 
               to me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Dont' worry about it. They're just TV 
               executives.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear 
               suits and ties. They're married, they 
               have secretaries.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I told you not to come.

               
                             GEORGE
               I need some water. I gotta get some 
               water.
 
               
                             JERRY
               They'll give us water in there.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really? That's pretty good.

               
               (Jerry looks into hallway)

               
                             JERRY
               Oh God, it's Joe Devola.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               Who?

               
                             JERRY
               This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. 
               I think he goes to the same shrink as 
               Elaine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh God he saw me.

               
                             DEVOLA
               Hello Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING?

               
                             DEVOLA
               You're under no obligation to shake 
               my hand.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY 
               FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD.
 
               
                             DEVOLA
               Why shouldn't I look good?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no reason. You're into karate right?
 
               
               
                             DEVOLA
               You want to hit me?

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             DEVOLA
               I dreopped a script off.

               
                             JERRY
               AH, GOOD FOR YOU.

               
               (they stare at each other)

               
                             JERRY
               Well, ...

               
                             DEVOLA
               You don't have to say anything.

               
                             JERRY
               No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday 
               night.
 
               
                             DEVOLA
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer's party.

               
                             DEVOLA
               Kramer's ... having ... a ... party?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, he's not having a party. He's 
               doing something. I don't know what it 
               is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything.
 
               
               
                             DEVOLA
               Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very 
               close friends.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are 
               very close friends. Very close.
 
               
               (Crazy Joe leaves)

               
                             JERRY
               Give my best to Hinckley.

               
                             GEORGE
               What was that?

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe what I just did. I didn't 
               know kramer didn't invite him. I better 
               call Kramer, ...
 
               
               (before he can dial)

               
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               They're ready for you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, 
               okay?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Relax. Who are they?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, they're not better than me.

               
                             JERRY
               Course not.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who are they?

               
                             JERRY
               They're nobody.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about me?

               
                             JERRY
               What about you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why them? Why not me?

               
                             JERRY
               Why not you?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm as good as them.

               
                             JERRY
               Better.

               
                             GEORGE
               You really think so?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
               (The door opens, and, from Jerry and George's point of view, 
               four executives stand up)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               ( NBC president's office)

               
               (Stu Chermak, Susan Ross, Jay Crespi, and Russell Dalrymple, 
               the head of the network, are all talking with Jerry and George)
 
               
               
                             STU
               (To Jerry, laughing about one of his 
               bits) The bit, the bit I really liked 
               what were the parakeet flew into the 
               mirror. Now that's funny.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The parakeet in the mirror. That's a 
               good one, Stu.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's one of my favorites.

               
                             RUSSELL
               What about you, George? Have you written 
               anything we might know?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. 
               I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina." 
               ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. 
               It was a comedy about a Mexican chef.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it was very funny. There was one 
               great scene with the chef - what was 
               his name?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Pepe.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was 
               making tamales.
 
               
                             SUSANEWMAN
               Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, he mimed it. That's what was 
               so funny about it.
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               So, what have you two come up with?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, we've thought about this in a 
               variety of ways. But the basic idea 
               is I will play myself-
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Interrupting) May I?

               
                             JERRY
               Go ahead.

               
                             GEORGE
               I think I can sum up the show for you 
               with one word: NOTHING.
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               Nothing?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Smiling) Nothing.

               
                             RUSSELL
               (Unimpressed) What does that mean?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The show is about nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               (To George) Well, it's not about nothing.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Jerry) No, it's about nothing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even 
               nothing is something.
 
               
               (Jerry and George glare at each other. The receptionist enters)
 
               
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Mr. Dalrymple, your niece is on the 
               phone.
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               I'll call back.

               
               (Receptionist leaves)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Attempting to spell his last name) 
               D-A-L-R-I-M-P-E-L?
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               (Obviously dislikes George) Not even 
               close.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Is it with a "y"?

               
                             RUSSELL
               No.

               
                             SUSANEWMAN
               What's the premise?

               
                             JERRY
               ..Well, as I was saying, I would play 
               myself, and, as a comedian, living in 
               New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, 
               and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. 
               You see, it's just like life. You know, 
               you eat, you go shopping, you read.. 
               You eat, you read, You go shopping.
 
               
               
                             RUSSELL
               You read? You read on the show?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I don't know about the reading.. 
               We didn't discuss the reading.
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               All right, tell me, tell me about the 
               stories. What kind of stories?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no. No stories.

               
                             RUSSELL
               No stories? So, what is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Showing an example) What'd you do today?
 
               
               
                             RUSSELL
               I got up and came to work.

               
                             GEORGE
               There's a show. That's a show.

               
                             RUSSELL
               (Confused) How is that a show?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, uh, maybe something happens on 
               the way to work.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no. Nothing happens.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, something happens.

               
                             RUSSELL
               Well, why am I watching it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because it's on TV.

               
                             RUSSELL
               (Threatening) Not yet.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, uh, look, if you want to just 
               keep on doing the same old thing, then 
               maybe this idea is not for you. I, for 
               one, am not going to compromise my artistic 
               integrity. And I'll tell you
 
               something else, this is the show and we're not going to change 
               it. (To Jerry) Right?
 
               
               (A moment passes)

               
                             JERRY
               (To Russell) How about this: I manage 
               a circus..
 
               
               
               (Monks)

               
                             JERRY
               I don't even want to talk about it anymore. 
               What were you thinking? What was going 
               on in your mind? Artistic integrity? 
               Where, where did you come up with that? 
               You're not artistic and you have no 
               integrity. You know you really need 
               some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't 
               even help you. You need to go to like 
               Vienna or something. You know what I 
               mean? You need to get involved at the 
               University level. Like where Freud studied 
               and have all those people looking at 
               you and checking up on you. That's the 
               kind of help you need. Not the once 
               a week for eighty bucks. No. You need 
               a team. A team of psychiatrists working 
               round the clock thinking about you, 
               having conferences, observing you, like 
               the way they did with the Elephant Man. 
               That's what I'm talking about because 
               that's the only way you're going to 
               get better.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               . . . I thought the woman was kind of 
               cute.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hold it. I really want to be clear about 
               this. Are you talking about the woman 
               in the meeting? Is that the woman you're 
               talking about?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. 
               I, I don't meet that many women. I meet 
               like three women a year. I mean, we've 
               been introduced. She knows my name.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!

               
                             GEORGE
               Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she 
               was looking right at me. You know, I 
               think she was impressed. You know, we 
               had good eye contact the whole meeting.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I forgot to call Kramer.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute let me call Susan.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no this is more important.

               
                             GEORGE
               She might be leaving to work any minute.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I got to warn him that I told Joe 
               Devola about his party.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
               (they race to the pay phone)

               
               (Paris hotel room - Dr. Reston and Elaine are kissing)

               
                             ELAINE
               What is it?

               
                             DR. RESTON
               I was just thinking about this patient 
               of mine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             DR. RESTON
               Just wondering if he's taking his medication.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, come on we're on vacation.

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting 
               area there, and you know how Devola 
               is. He's all, ... (buzzer)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah (to buzzer)

               
                             GEORGE
               (OC) It's George.

               
                             JERRY
               And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable 
               with him and you know I just blurted 
               out something about your party.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa, back up a second.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I didn't know that you didn't 
               invite him.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why would you think I would invite him?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I just a ssumed, ...

               
                             KRAMER
               Assumed? Never assume anything. I don't 
               want that nut in my house. You know 
               he's on medication.
 
               
               (George and Susan enter)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ... 
               Susan, from N B C.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Of course. How are you?

               
                             SUSAN
               Fine, it's good to see you.

               
                             GEORGE
               And this is Kramer.

               
                             SUSAN
               Hello.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right go ahead Susan, tell him.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Tell me what?

               
                             SUSAN
               Well, I, (phone rings)

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.
 
               
               
                             TEL
               Hi, would you be interested in switching 
               over to TMI long distance service.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why 
               don't you give me your home number and 
               I'll call you later.
 
               
                             TEL
               Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do 
               that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I guess you don't want people calling 
               you at home.
 
               
                             TEL
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Well now you know how I feel. (Hangs 
               up)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, go ahead, tell him.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, are you drinking that milk?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               What's the expiration date on that?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               September third.

               
                             JERRY
               The third?

               
                             GEORGE
               and SUSAN: The third?

               
                             KRAMER
               Um, Uh, ugh, ...

               
                             SUSAN
               Noooo... (Kramer throws up on Susan)
 
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
                             GEORGE
               I never should have brought her up there. 
               Should have known better. Should have 
               seen it coming. I didn't see it coming.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I think SHE saw it coming.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know she was behind the idea. She 
               was going to champion the show. That's 
               what I was bring her up there to tell 
               you. And she liked me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Look just because Kramer vomited on 
               her doesn't mean the deal is dead.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic 
               thing to be thrown up on.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If 
               Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind 
               still would have given him Chekoslovakia.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Chamberlind, you could hold his head 
               in nthe toilet, he'd still give you 
               half of Europe.
 
               
               (Kramer enters with helmet)

               
                             JERRY
               What happened to you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Devola came after me.

               
                             JERRY
               What? Devola? See I told you this guy 
               is crazy. I can't believe this. What 
               happened?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know 
               I was walking home and I had to pick 
               up my helmet from the shop, you know. 
               I gota new strap. And I had it on you 
               know, and I was checking the strap out 
               to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I 
               feel this kick hit me on the side of 
               the head. It knocks me down, I look 
               up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he 
               say's, "That's what I thin k of your 
               party."
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boy,that is some kick.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved 
               my life. Look at that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wow, Newman's helmet.

               
                             GEORGE
               Holly.

               
                             KRAMER
               I got bad news for you buddy. Devola 
               says you're next.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Me, why?

               
                             KRAMER
               He doesn't like you.

               
                             JERRY
               What does he want from me? I didn't 
               do anything. See this is all Elaine's 
               fault. She took off to Europe with his 
               psychiatrist. He probably can't get 
               his medication. Now I got some nut after 
               me.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Pass the cream.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a second. (smells it). all right.
 
               
               
               
                             THE END



The Pitch



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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