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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                          THE PLEDGE DRIVE



                             Written by

                       Tom Gammill & Max Pross




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               There's something very insincere about these greeting cards we 
               send back and
 
               forth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar 
               folded
 
               paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I don't know what my 
               feelings are, so
 
               I'll just pay some total stranger a buck to make up this little 
               Hallmark hooker
 
               to do the job for me. So I can go, 'Yeah, I didn't write this, 
               but whatever
 
               they wrote, I think the same thing.'" Wouldn't it be better if 
               we just had one
 
               card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Just 
               "Happy
 
               birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary, congratulations, 
               it's a Boy and
 
               our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office"

               
               
               Elaine and Jerry and in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Your friend, Noreen.

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you sure you're not just flattering 
               yourself?
 
               
                             JERRY
               If I was flattering myself, I think 
               I'd come up with someone a little
 
               
               less annoying than Noreen.

               
                             ELAINE
               I cannot believe that she was hitting 
               on you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               If you don't believe me, ask her.

               
                             ELAINE
               I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, 
               Jerry, you know him. Dan.
 
               Remember, we went to that party at his house?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, right. The guy who talks with a 
               really high voice.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine 
               in your mail?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Check the pile.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, who sent you a card?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             KRAMER
               Open it, it's from Hallmark.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hello, my love.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello, darling.

               
                             JERRY
               Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card 
               from Kristin.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Let me see.

               
                             ELAINE
               Who's Kristin?

               
                             JERRY
               She works for PBS, I met her when I 
               agreed to do that pledge drive.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Did you ask her about me?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, in fact she said that you could 
               be one of those people that sits
 
               in the back and answers the phone.

               
                             KRAMER
               Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does 
               that work? Now, what, I get a
 
               percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?

               
                             JERRY
               No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer 
               work. All the money goes
 
               to the station.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, 
               but I still get a tote bag
 
               though, right?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and one of those foam beer can 
               holders.
 
               
               Kramer leaves, satisfied.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know what I'm doing? I'm calling 
               Noreen.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, go ahead.

               
                             ELAINE
               You sure you don't mind?

               
                             JERRY
               Like she's really going to admit she 
               was flirting with me.
 
               
               Elaine finishes dialing, the phone rings and a high pitched voice 
               answers.
 
               
                             HIGH PITCHED VOICE
               Hello?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just 
               talking to Jerry.
 
               
                             HIGH PITCHED VOICE
               Jerry?

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry Seinfeld.

               
                             HIGH PITCHED VOICE
               Oh, I like Jerry a lot.

               
                             ELAINE
               You mean like like?

               
                             HIGH PITCHED VOICE
               What are you talking about?

               
                             ELAINE
               Noreen, were you hitting on him?

               
               Cut to the other end of the conversation, there's a bald man 
               on the telephone.
 
               
                             HIGH PITCHED VOICE
               Noreen's not here, this is Dan.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ooh.

               
                             DAN
               You say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry 
               Seinfeld?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, I'll call you back later.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh oh.

               
                             JERRY
               So was I right? She likes me, right?
 
               
               
               
               
               Elaine is sharpening pencils for Mr. Pitt. The phone is ringing.
 
               
               
                             MR. PITT
               Hello? (to Elaine) It's for you. Must 
               you keep giving
 
               my number out?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello?

               
                             HIGH PITCHED VOICE
               Elaine? What is going on? Why did you 
               tell Dan I was
 
               hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

               
                             ELAINE
               Is this Noreen?

               
                             HIGH PITCHED VOICE
               What would ever possess you to make 
               up a story
 
               like that.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and, 
               I don't know--
 
               
                             DAN
               I think I deserve an explanation.

               
                             ELAINE
               Noreen, are you crying?

               
                             DAN
               No, this is Dan!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi Dan.

               
                             MR. PITT
               Elaine? Work?

               
                             ELAINE
               Tell Noreen I'll just call her back 
               later.
 
               
                             MR. PITT
               Who was crying?

               
                             ELAINE
               No one. I'm sorry Mr. Putt, that won't 
               happen again.
 
               
               Mr. Pitt (unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting 
               it with
 
                             KNIFE AND FORK)
               I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying 
               and I want to know
 
               who it was.

               
               Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told 
               my other friend
 
               Noreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar 
               with knife and
 
               fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so 
               I called her to
 
               see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, 
               who is this,
 
               you know--

               
               
               
               Jerry and Kristin, the PBS rep, are in Jerry's apartment. Jerry 
               is reading from
 
               a sheet of paper.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for 
               a living, but there's no joking
 
               about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in 
               your pledge now.
 
               
                             KRISTIN
               Jerry, I am so grateful that you're 
               doing this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I know you are.

               
                             KRISTIN
               You got the card I sent?

               
                             JERRY
               I did.

               
                             KRISTIN
               So where is it?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRISTIN
               The card. Is this it in the trash?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No?

               
                             KRISTIN
               This is my card, you threw it away.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well--

               
                             KRISTIN
               I put a lot of thought into this card.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You signed your name and you addressed 
               the envelope, it's not like you
 
               painted the picture and wrote the poem.

               
                             KRISTIN
               Fine. I gotta get back to the office.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why, because I threw the card out? How 
               long was I supposed to save it?
 
               
                             KRISTIN
               You have no sentimentality.

               
                             JERRY
               I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. 
               Here, look. Here's
 
               some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, 
               see, I'm
 
               not a bad guy.

               
                             KRISTIN
               Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! 
               Oh great!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, but, you see, I saved something!
 
               
               See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok?

               
               Kramer enters as Kristin leaves.

               
                             KRAMER
               New cards, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               No, they're old cards from my grandmother.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting 
               card can really lift a
 
               person's spirits.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, a check.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every 
               card for my birthday, that's why I
 
               
               save them.

               
                             KRAMER
               There's a check in all these? Why don't 
               you cash them?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, it's ten dollars.

               
                             KRAMER
               But you got a whole pile here. 1987?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh so what.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, your grandmother gave you this 
               gift. She wants you to spend the
 
               money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount 
               to a slap in
 
               the face.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, get out of here.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a 
               flower that doesn't blossom.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.

               
                             JERRY
               It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin 
               because I'm doing the PBS drive.
 
               I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?

               
                             GEORGE
               The rule is a minimum of two days.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You making that up or do you know what 
               you're talking about?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm making it up.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean really, what's the point of saving 
               it? I could see if I had a
 
               mantel.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different 
               story.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Absolutely.

               
                             GEORGE
               If my parents had a mantel, I might 
               be a completely different person.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So anyway, she's kind of upset about 
               it so I need you to do me a favor.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let's have it.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during 
               the show they're gonna be
 
               running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could 
               get a baseball
 
               player to come on the show with me...

               
                             GEORGE
               You want me to ask one of the Yankees.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Could you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright. I'll run it by a few people.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, Do your thing, where you lie 
               to everyone.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I should never have made that phone 
               call.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, she's very upset.

               
                             JERRY
               So was I right about the flirting? Was 
               it true?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know, I never asked. She was 
               yelling--
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Who was flirting with you?

               
                             JERRY
               Remember when we were in the bookstore, 
               that woman came up to us?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She wasn't flirting with you.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 
               'humor' section was? Humor? Come
 
               on.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, her brother just had a book of 
               political cartoons published.
 
               
               Elaine and George laugh derisively.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting 
               with me. So what?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna 
               hear something weird? Mr. Pitt
 
               eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Why does he do that?

               
                             GEORGE
               He probably doesn't want to get chocolate 
               on his fingers. That's the
 
               way these society types eat their candy bars.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you know.

               
                             GEORGE
               What, you think I eat all my meals with 
               you? (To waitress) Excuse me,
 
               sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this?
 
               
               
                             WAITRESS
               That's the extra toast. Get it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did 
               you just see what happened
 
               here?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you see the way she pointed at the 
               check? She gave me the finger.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's how waitress types express derision. 
               They don't want to get
 
               their mouths dirty.

               
               
               
               George is in a meeting at work.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, what do you think?

               
                             MR. MORGAN
               A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste 
               any of the players' time
 
               with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for 
               channel eleven.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying 
               to class up this place, for
 
               trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that 
               might not watch
 
               channel eleven.

               
               George begins eating a candy bar with knife and fork.

               
                             MR. MORGAN
               Uh, what the hell are you doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               I am eating my dessert. How do you eat 
               it, with your hands?
 
               
                             MR. MORGAN
               You know, maybe George has something 
               here about PBS.
 
               
               
               
               Jerry and Kramer are at an ATM.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay, sixty bucks from Nana.

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh? Yeah.

               
               
               
               Nana is home knitting, the phone rings.

               
                             NANA
               Hello?

               
                             VOICE
               Hello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted 
               you to know that your
 
               checking account is overdrawn.

               
                             NANA
               Chemical Bank? I haven't used that account 
               in months.
 
               
                             VOICE
               Well, someone's been cashing the checks 
               and you're overdrawn.
 
               
               Oh dear. I'll be down there first thing in the morning.

               
                             VOICE
               Wait, we can do this over the

               phone.

               
               the alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs, 
               and heads for the
 
               door.

               
               
               
               George, Jerry and Kramer are at the coffee shop.

               
                             JERRY
               You got Danny Tartabull?!

               
                             GEORGE
               You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, you really came through. Kristin's 
               gonna be thrilled.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped 
               him with his swing.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to 
               the fundraiser tonight.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Absolutely. Pending approval of the 
               script.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, I'm Yankee management.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're just answering phones!

               
                             KRAMER
               It would put me at ease.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, when you order from the waitress, 
               get her to point to the menu. I
 
               want to see what finger she uses.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit 
               but I didn't see it on the men
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu 
               with index finger), it comes
 
               with your breakfast special.

               
                             JERRY
               Right you are.

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't get the special, but I'd also 
               like the fresh fruit too.
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               I'll check.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't believe it, she did it again!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, she had an itch.

               
                             GEORGE
               She had an itch. She could have used 
               any one of those fingers. That
 
               finger was meant for me.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, she knew what she was doing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed 
               my Nana's birthday checks.
 
               
               
               
               Nana is standing on a deserted street in front of an abandoned 
               building,
 
               checking for an address. A street tough approaches from behind.
 
               
               
                             STREET TOUGH
               Looking for something, lady?

               
                             NANA
               Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?
 
               
               
                             STREET TOUGH
               The bank? It burned. It's gone!

               
                             NANA
               Oh dear.

               
                             STREET TOUGH
               Now what you wanna do is go down to 
               forty-ninth street, that's
 
               the main customer service branch. Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll 
               help you.
 
               
               
               
               Jerry is in his apartment, the phone rings.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Jerry? Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo!

               
               Listen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing.
 
               
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Nana's missing?

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               I came to pick her up for a doctor's 
               appointment, she wasn't here.
 
               I called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left 
               the apartment
 
               in twenty-five years!

               
                             JERRY
               I've been thinking about her, I just 
               cashed some of her checks.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, that's right. You did.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               What kind of checks?

               
                             JERRY
               I think Chemical Bank.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, they were Chemical.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Chemical?! She hasn't used that account 
               since her branch closed.
 
               What are you doing cashing her checks anyway?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, Kramer thought it would make her 
               happy. (To Kramer) I never
 
               should have cashed those checks!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I didn't twist your arm.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Your grandmother's on a very fixed income. 
               What, are you broke?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs 
               up and faces Kramer) Well?
 
               I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, don't look at me.

               
                             JERRY
               It's your fault!

               
                             KRAMER
               My fault? Your Nana is missing because 
               she's been passing those bum
 
               checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.
 
               
               
               
               Mr. Morgan is sitting at an outdoor cafe, eating a candy bar 
               with a knife and
 
               fork. Noreen walks by and takes notice. Cut to Noreen and Elaine 
               seated at the
 
               counter at Monk's.

               
                             NOREEN
               So anyway, it's caused a lot of problems. 
               Dan thinks I'm interested in
 
               Jerry, he won't let up.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm really sorry, but you can see why 
               I'd make a mistake like that.
 
               
                             NOREEN
               No, why?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you know, because he's a high 
               talker.
 
               
                             NOREEN
               He does raise his voice occasionally, 
               but that's normal.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a 
               high talker.
 
               
                             NOREEN
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               You don't think his voice sounds a lot 
               like yours?
 
               
                             NOREEN
               I never noticed that.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's 
               just that he can sound like a
 
               woman, you know?

               
                             NOREEN
               Great. I'm going out with a man who 
               sounds like a woman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, he looks like a man.

               
                             NOREEN
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               He's bald. I know that's a guy thing.
 
               
               
                             NOREEN
               I guess.

               
                             ELAINE
               I know he belches a lot.

               
                             NOREEN
               Well, that's something. So, Jerry thought 
               I was flirting with him.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             NOREEN
               Hm. He's kind of a

               baritone, isn't he?

               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing?

               
                             NOREEN
               I'm eating this cookie.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, no, but why are you using a 
               knife and a fork? Did you just
 
               think of that?

               
                             NOREEN
               No, I've seen people do it. I like it.
 
               
               
               
               
               George is driving Danny Tartabull to the pledge drive.

               
                             DANNY TARTABULL
               This isn't gonna take long, is it?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that. 
               And you'll be happy to know I
 
               perused the script and it's met with my approval.

               
                             DANNY TARTABULL
               I'm sure it's fine.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy? 
               He just gave me the
 
               finger!

               
                             DANNY TARTABULL
               You sure?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up, 
               at me! At us!
 
               
                             DANNY TARTABULL
               What are you doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm following him.

               
               
               
               Nana is at the bank.

               
                             BANKER
               I'm sorry, the account had insufficient 
               funds. We had to return the
 
               checks made out to a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

               
                             NANA
               Oh dear, that's my grandson. May I call 
               him now and explain?
 
               
                             BANKER
               Oh, certainly.

               
               
               
               Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               And now I think she might really be 
               interested in you. And Dan is
 
               obsessed, he keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine.
 
               
               
               The phone rings.

               
                             JERRY
               Would you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello?

               
                             NANA
               Hello, I need to speak to Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, it's you. We were just talking about 
               you.
 
               Listen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk 
               to you, so why
 
               don't you just drop dead?

               
                             ELAINE
               Heh?

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Any word from Nana?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               Nana?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, my grandma's missing.

               
                             ELAINE
               Missing?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. I think it might have something 
               to do with those checks.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Um, what does Nana sound like?

               
                             JERRY
               Like a grandmother, why?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well...

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you hung up on my Nana?!

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know, maybe.

               
                             JERRY
               You told Nana to drop dead?!

               
                             ELAINE
               It's possible.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, it is!

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta 
               get down to PBS, PDQ.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
               
               
               George is still driving, he's all worked up.

               
                             GEORGE
               No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!
 
               
               
                             DANNY TARTABULL
               Want this last donut?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, you can have it.

               
               Danny Tartabull begins eating the donut with a knife and fork. 
               George takes
 
               notice.

               
               
               
               Jerry and Kramer are at PBS.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, where are all the tote bags?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm not leaving the premises without 
               tote bags. I was promised
 
               tote bags and tote bags I shall have.

               
                             KRISTIN
               Jerry, this man wants to see you.

               
                             JERRY
               Leo?

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo! What are you doing here?
 
               
               
                             UNCLE LEO
               I wanted to tell you that your grandmother 
               is fine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               She's had quite a day but she's gonna 
               watch you tonight on the TV.
 
               
                             KRISTIN
               Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull. 
               Where is he?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He'll be here any second.

               
                             KRISTIN
               You know you guys are both on in five 
               minutes.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah.

               
                             KRISTIN
               Okay.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Why didn't you tell me you were a little 
               short? Here. If anybody
 
               asks you where you got it, you don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               No, that's ok, I really don't need any 
               money.
 
               
                             UNCLE LEO
               What are you talking about?

               
                             JERRY
               Please-

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               I want-

               
                             JERRY
               It's not necessary.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Jerry, would you please take it.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't, I can't take it.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               I want you to have it!

               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it!
 
               
               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Jerry, take the money!

               
                             JERRY
               I don't want it!!

               
               There's a knock at the door.

               
                             HIGH PITCHED VOICE
               Jerry, open up. We need to talk.

               
                             KRAMER
               Who's that?

               
                             JERRY
               You know what? It sounds like the friend 
               of Elaine's that was hitting
 
               on me in the book store.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I'll take care of it.

               
               Kramer walks out and sees Dan.

               
                             DAN
               Is Jerry in there?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he can't be disturbed now.

               
                             DAN
               Well this situation is driving me crazy. 
               He's all I think about. I can't
 
               get him out of my mind.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's 
               like to be in love. Ties you up
 
               in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.

               
                             DAN
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, 
               we here at PBS, we have many
 
               programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales 
               of the City,
 
               Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall 
               about those dark
 
               ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted 
               because of
 
               your, you know.

               
                             DAN
               No, I don't.

               
                             KRISTIN
               Are you Danny Tartabull?

               
                             DAN
               No, I'm not.

               
               
               
               George is parked at a gas station, he steps out of the car and 
               slams the door.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll take care of this, Danny.

               
               George approaches the man he's been following, who's now pumping 
               gas.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me.

               
                             MAN
               What's the problem?

               
                             GEORGE
               I believe you cut me off, and then made 
               an obscene gesture.
 
               
                             MAN
               I did? Where?

               
                             GEORGE
               Outside of Manhattan, about an hour 
               ago.
 
               
                             MAN
               Wow! Is that Danny Tartabull?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's right, of the New York Yankees.
 
               
               
                             MAN
               I'd like to shake his hand but I can't.
 
               
               
               The man holds up his arm, it's in a cast with his middle finger 
               sticking
 
               straight up.

               
               
               
               Jerry is doing his bit for PBS.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for 
               a living, but there's no joking
 
               about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so 
               please call the
 
               number you see on your screen.

               
               Cut to Nana, watching the pledge drive. She picks up the phone 
               and dials.
 
               
               Cut back to Jerry,

               
                             JERRY
               This is the only time this year we'll 
               be asking for donations. You've
 
               been enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball-

               
               Cut to Kramer sitting at the phone bank, his phone rings.

               
                             KRAMER
               PBS pledge drive.

               
                             NANA
               Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about 
               Jerry. It's not gonna
 
               happen.

               
                             NANA
               This is his grandmother.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.

               
                             NANA
               Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have 
               to write him some new checks.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               As long as you've got your checkbook 
               out, how about forking a little
 
               over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want 
               to be a
 
               freeloader.

               
               
               Cut back to Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               -programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. 
               And if Danny Tartabull were here,
 
               
               I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'

               
               Kramer rises in the background.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry? I have an announcement. Your 
               grandmother is on the line.
 
               
                             JERRY
               My Nana?

               
                             KRAMER
               And as we speak, she's generously writing 
               PBS a check for fifteen
 
               hundred dollars!

               
               Everybody applauds as Uncle Leo comes out from sidestage.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               She can't do that, she's on a very fixed 
               income! Stop the show!!
 
               
               
               
               Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.

               
                             JERRY
               I got another card from Kristin. Not 
               quite as chipper as the first one.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving 
               you the-
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, he is.

               
                             ELAINE
               You should show this to Georgie.

               
               Yeah.

               
                             WAITRESS
               Here's your knife and fork.

               
                             JERRY
               Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I just don't get it.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, I saw someone on the street 
               eating M&Ms with a spoon.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What is wrong with everybody?

               
                             JERRY
               Look, they're doing it. They're all 
               doing it!

               
                             ELAINE
               What is wrong with all you people?! 
               Have you all gone mad?!!

               
               
                             THE END



The Pledge Drive



Writers :   Tom Gammill  Max Pross
Genres :   Comedy


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