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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE POOL GUY



                             Written by

                            David Mandel




 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               Let me ask you a question. Who would 
               win in a fight between you and me?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what do you mean?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well if you and I ever got into, like 
               a really serious fight you know, and 
               the punches started flying -- who do 
               you think would win?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well I think that's pretty obvious.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Me too.

               
               (Elaine enters carrying a cup of coffee)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Who, who, who do you think would win 
               in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous 
               George here (pointing up and down at 
               George)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You mean in a real Fight Fight?

               
                             JERRY
               Mona a Baldo.

               
                             ELAINE
               George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah-Ha! (he turns and walks over to the 
               refrigerator)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               George fights dirty. (she sips her coffee)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really? What would you do?

               
                             GEORGE
               Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever 
               I gotta do. (he opens a blue bottled 
               beverage)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hmm.

               
                             ELAINE
               So. Listen ... You're not doing anything 
               tomorrow, are you? Because I have an 
               extra ticket to the historical clothing 
               exhibit at the Met.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry.

               
                             ELAINE
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Would I want to see what Mary Todd wore 
               to Lincoln's funeral?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               There's nobody I can go with.

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               You know what. I don't have one female 
               friend left.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no, of course you don't. You're 
               a Man's Woman. You hate other women, 
               and they hate you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Thank you.

               
                             KRAMER
               So Jerry, (smacks hands and rubs palms 
               together) What time we going to the 
               movies?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, how about 8:30?

               
                             KRAMER
               Saddle up and ride. (opens the fridge 
               and pulls out some food -- takes a big 
               bite)
 
               
                             JERRY
               You want to get something to eat first?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ( mumbling with full mouth ) No, I'm 
               good.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I wonder if, ah, Susan ... (picks up 
               the phone from the coffee table, then 
               decides not to call) No. I better just 
               go. (claps hands) heh. All right! See 
               ya. (grabs his rain coat from the hook 
               by the door and rushes out)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               There's nothing more pathetic, than 
               a grown man, who's afraid of a woman. 
               (voice get high-pitched for the last 
               line)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, why don't cha ask Susan?

               
                             ELAINE
               George's Susan?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Why not Susan. I should be friends 
               with Susan. (smacks her forehead with 
               hand) Of course! Susan! Oh! OK, I'll 
               see you guys. Huh. (rushes out the door.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               That's gunna be trouble.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, don't you see? This world here, 
               this is George's sanctuary. If Susan 
               comes into contact with this world, 
               his world's collide. You know what happens 
               then?
 
               
               (Kramer raises his hands into the air and slowly brings them 
               together in an explosion. He's holding some food in one hand, 
               so when his hands come into contact food flies all over)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ka shha shha shha Pkooo (exploding sound)
 
               
               
               
               Camera fades from the apt. to the Paragon Movie Theater. Jerry 
               and Kramer wait outside in a line to buy tickets.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Did I tell you I'm getting a new telephone 
               number?
 
               
                             JERRY
               How come?

               
                             KRAMER
               Whew, chicks man. Too many chicks know 
               my number.
 
               
               (Jerry looks at Kramer, raises his eyebrows with an expression 
               that says really?)
 
               
                             RAMON
               (recognizes Jerry) Hey Jerry. How are 
               you Mr. Backstroke?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer this is Ramon, from the new health 
               club I joined.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             RAMON
               So you know what happened don't chu?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No what?

               
                             RAMON
               I got fired.

               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             RAMON
               Yeah, said I put too much chlorine in 
               the pool.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ahh.

               
                             RAMON
               Hey well, ah, stay out of the deep end, 
               eh.
 
               
                             JERRY
               OK, see you later.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's in the deep end?

               
               
               
               Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside. Susan 
               sits on the couch reading.
 
               
               (Telephone rings)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey Elainie. What's going on?

               
                             ELAINE
               (sitting up in bed) Nothing much, um. 
               Can I talk to Susan
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ha, Yeah right, hang on, I'll ah, I'll 
               get her for you. he, he,
 
               he, he. Seriously, what's up?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, George really. Can I talk to Susan?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Susan, why?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because I want to ask her to lunch and 
               to the Met tomorrow.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I don't think you want to do that.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why not?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well what would be the point of that?
 
               
               
               (Susan, hearing her name glances over at George)

               
                             ELAINE
               George, are you going to put her on 
               the phone?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Where did this come from all of a sudden?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               George, are you going to let me talk 
               to Susan, or Not?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I really think I should have been consulted 
               about this.
 
               
               (George takes the phone from his ear and walks over to the couch 
               and
 
               hands the phone to Susan)

               
                             GEORGE
               Here ... something.

               
                             SUSAN
               Hello? (with hesitant surprise) Oh, 
               that sounds great. I love
 
               that sort of stuff.

               
               (George stands behind the couch, arms crossed with his right 
               hand
 
               clenched up to his mouth. He takes off his glasses, puts his 
               left hand
 
               just above his eyes and rubs them in disbelief and walks out 
               of the
 
               room.)

               
               
               Night exterior of a busy NYC street. Large lit advertising signs 
               for
 
               Panasonic, JVC and a couple of McDonalds “Golden Arches” are 
               visible.
 
               Then to the inside of the movie theater.

               
                             KRAMER
               You want to sit here?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. (Kramer sits in the seat next 
               to Jerry) Uh, uh, oh, oh,
 
               Over there. (points to the next seat over)

               
                             KRAMER
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Little buffer zone.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Quietly) Buffer zone (Kramer moves 
               to the other seat)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Thank you. If we were in my apartment 
               and we were watching a
 
               movie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other?

               
                             KRAMER
               No. You got a point.

               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
                             KRAMER
               I can't ...

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well these seats have no lumbar.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh hey, there's Ramon. Pre, pretend 
               we're talking.
 
               
               (Ramon is looking for a seat. He's carrying a drink, a bunch 
               of
 
               napkins, and a huge bucket of popcorn)

               
                             KRAMER
               We are talking.

               
                             JERRY
               Pretend it's interesting.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, ah then, I ah had to kill him and 
               ah, well the police are
 
               still looking for me.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah that's shocking, but sounds 
               ...
 
               
                             RAMON
               Hey, hi Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hey Ramon.

               
                             RAMON
               Hey, hey, I took a bunch of napkins. 
               You want some?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no thanks. (turns back to Kramer)
 
               
               
                             RAMON
               Hey, ahhh, is this seat taken?

               
               (Ramon proceeds to sit down between Kramer and Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
               (As Ramon sits down, he bumps into Kramer and startles him. Jerry 
               looks
 
               like he can't believe Ramon sat down. Ramon is bobbing his head 
               front
 
               to back with his neck, like sitting there worked out pretty good)
 
               
               
               
               Exterior of Jerry's apartment building then inside where Jerry 
               and
 
               George are talking.

               
                             JERRY
               And then the worst part is, after the 
               movie, he leached on to us
 
               ... We wound up having coffee with him for like two hours. Then 
               he
 
               walks us home, all the way back to the front of the building. 
               Finally I
 
               said, look Ramon, I gotta go to bed now.

               
                             GEORGE
               By the way, have you spoken to Elaine 
               yet today?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No why?

               
                             GEORGE
               (sighs) She called Susan last night.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, I know.

               
                             GEORGE
               How do you know?

               
                             JERRY
               Well it was my idea.

               
                             GEORGE
               Your idea?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wha'd you do that for?

               
                             JERRY
               She was looking for someone to go to 
               the show with.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well that was a really stupid thing! 
               You know what's going to
 
               happen now?

               
                             JERRY
               World's collide. (points at George)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Whe ... Well yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               Because this world is your sanctuary 
               and if that world comes into
 
               contact with --

               
                             GEORGE
               YES! It Blows Up! So if you know that, 
               what did you tell
 
               Elaine for?

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know. Kramer told me about 
               the worlds.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You couldn't figure out the “World's 
               Theory” for yourself? It's
 
               just common sense. Anybody knows, ya gotta keep your worlds apart.
 
               
               (gesturing with hands going outward)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I guess I slipped up.

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               He knows the worlds theory.

               
                             KRAMER
               What is it blowing up?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ha! (grabs his coat and exits the apartment)
 
               
               
               (Telephone rings - Kramer pulls a cordless phone from his pocket)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Cosmo, go. No, no, na, na. (he pushes 
               the end button and
 
               pushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving 
               me
 
               crazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes.

               
                             JERRY
               What is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well it's 555-3455.

               
                             JERRY
               555-3455.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               (picks up the phone on the coffee table) 
               “555-3455.” Well wait a
 
               second, don't you see that's 555-FILK.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's Filk?

               
                             JERRY
               Filk's nothing, but 555-FILM is Movie 
               Phone.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh Movie Phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, so people are just dialing it by 
               mistake and getting you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So, I'm Filk?

               
                             JERRY
               You're Filk.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, Mama.

               
               
               
               Susan and Elaine are walking down the sidewalk.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well what about that number Susan B. 
               Anthony wore to the 19th
 
               Amendment party. Hnuh. Eye yye yye.

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh whoo. Quite the DèColletage for a 
               suffragette.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ha, ha, ha, ha, well it must have been 
               one hell of a party.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Whoo.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ha, ha, ha, ha.

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             SUSAN
               Ehahh, forget it.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? You can tell me. I'll put it in 
               the vault.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               The vault?

               
                             ELAINE
               Mm-Hmm.

               
               
               
               
               Exterior shot of Physique (Jerry's health club) then inside to 
               the men's
 
               locker room where Jerry is putting some clothes in a gym bag. 
               Some men
 
               are in the background talking.

               
               the movies with Ramon.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, well, I didn't actually go with 
               Ramon. I just bumped into
 
               him there. (putting on coat)

               
               you to cheer him up.

               
                             PAUL
               Tell him to call us.

               
                             DUSTIN
               Tell him, Dustin says, “Hello.”

               
                             JERRY
               All right, I gotta go.

               
                             PAUL
               To see Ramon?

               
               (Paul, with his eyes wide open looking at Jerry. Dustin stares 
               off the
 
               other direction, laughing to himself)

               
               
               
               Exterior of Jerry's apartment building, then inside Jerry's apartment.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What else did you two do?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I don't know, you know, girlie stuff.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping 
               for pretty bows, and then
 
               back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle 
               fight?
 
               
               (Elaine stands there for a good 6 seconds with arms crossed, 
               blank
 
               expression, just looking at Jerry)

               
                             ELAINE
               That's really what you think girls do, 
               isn't it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I do. (very serious)

               
                             ELAINE
               All rightee. (turns and walks to the 
               bathroom)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey you know George isn't to happy, 
               ahh, about your new
 
               friendship.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah? Well I don't really give a Sh... 
               (closing the bathroom
 
               door)

               
               (Kramer enters and leaves the door open)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey man, what's going on?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
               (Telephone rings)

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh, here we go. (pulls a cordless phone 
               from his pocket) Yeah
 
               hello. Yeah, no, no, no, hold on.

               
               (Kramer walks over to the table, opens the newspaper to the movie
 
               
               section)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, Cupid's Rifle -- 8:30, Sony Lincoln 
               Square. Yeah, no, no,
 
               no, no problem, yeah.

               
               (Kramer hangs up the cordless and pushes the antenna back in, 
               puts the
 
               phone in his pocket)

               
                             JERRY
               You're looking up movies for people 
               now?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I got time.

               
               (Telephone rings)

               
                             KRAMER
               And this. (pulls out the cordless phone 
               from his pocket) Cosmo
 
               here. Yeah, un-huh, no, no, no, no, I'll help. Yeah, Firestorm's
 
               
               good. I saw it yesterday. Yeah well my buddy Jerry , ah, he's 
               seen it
 
               twice. You want to talk to him? Here -- (holds the phone out 
               to Jerry)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (shaking his head no) No Kramer I don't 
               want to talk to him.
 
               
               (Jerry is backing away, as Kramer attempt to foist the phone 
               on to
 
               Jerry, but he will not take it -- Kramer continues to try and 
               get Jerry
 
               to take the phone from him)

               
               
                CONTINUITY ERROR -- DURING THIS PART OF THE SCENE, WE CLEARLY 
               SEE
 
               Kramer's right hand holding the phone, his left hand is empty. 
               This
 
               sequence is shot from several camera angles. At the end of the
 
               
               sequence, Kramer is holding the folded newspaper in his left 
               hand -- he
 
               did not reach over to pick up the paper -- so this is obviously 
               a
 
               CONTINUITY ERROR 

               
                             KRAMER
               Just, just tell him about the picture. 
               What's the matter with
 
               you? Stop it. (puts the phone back to his ear) Yes, are you still
 
               
               showing.

               
               (Kramer walks out the open door and into his apt. with the newspaper.
 
               
               Elaine walks back into the living room, wondering what just happened,
 
               
               she gestures towards Kramer as he exits)

               
               (Intercom buzzes)

               
                             JERRY
               Oh that's George. (presses the intercom 
               button) Yeah?
 
               
                             RAMON
               (Hey it's Ramon)

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             RAMON
               (Hey, It's Ramon Jerry. I'm coming up)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to Ramon) Oh. Okay. (to Elaine) Wh, 
               what is he doing here?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Who? Who is Ramon?

               
                             JERRY
               He's the pool guy.

               
                             ELAINE
               What pool guy?

               
                             JERRY
               Do me a favor. Just stick around while 
               he's here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, no problem.

               
               ----------------------------------------------------

                INCONSISTENCY IN REALITY -- RAMON SHOWS UP AT JERRY'S DOOR, 
               8 SECONDS
 
               from the time when Jerry stops pressing the intercom buzzer. 
               Either
 
               Ramon would have to run up 5 flights of stairs incredibly fast 
               (he does
 
               not appear out of breath) or those are some very fast elevators.
 
               
               
               -- and we know from a Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend that Elaine 
               complains
 
               ABOUT THE SLOW ELEVATORS IN JERRY'S APT. BUILDING. 

               
               Episode 6 The Ex-Girlfriend

                             ELAINE
               You know, you have the slowest elevator 
               in the entire city?
 
               That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast 
               ones.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, the apartment elevators are always 
               slower than the offices,
 
               because you don't have to be home on time.

               ----------------------------------------------------

               
                             RAMON
               Hee hey, hey Jerry (claps hands and 
               points both index fingers at
 
               him) How are you, crazy guy?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. So, ah, Ramon this is my friend 
               Elaine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah and I was just leaving. Bye-bye 
               Jerry. (smiling as she
 
               closes the door. Jerry looks at her like he can not believe she 
               left
 
               him on his own)

               
                             JERRY
               So, ah, what are you doing around here 
               Ramon?
 
               
                             RAMON
               Well, I was in the neighborhood. I figured 
               I'd check you out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, actually, I ka, kinda had some things 
               to do.
 
               
                             RAMON
               Oh, oh yeah. Wha? Where you going?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, just, you know, I don't know. Stuff, 
               I gotta do. (grabs coat
 
               and throws it over his shoulder)

               
                             RAMON
               Hey that's cool. I'm up for some stuff
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
               (They head for the door)

               
               
               
               Moving subway cars blur by, then inside the subway car where 
               Jerry sits
 
               next to Ramon

               
                             RAMON
               So get this. I get down there, and right 
               away, I see the drain
 
               is clogged. I mean it's obvious. Can you believe it?

               
                             JERRY
               All right Ramon, I'm going to get going.
 
               
               
               (Subway train stops and door opens)

               
                             JERRY
               I think we should separate here actually.
 
               
               
                             RAMON
               What are you trying to say Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               Look Ramon, you're, you're a nice guy. 
               But I, I actually only
 
               have three friends. I really can't handle any more.

               
                             RAMON
               Oh I see. It's cause I clean pools, 
               right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That has nothing to do with it.

               
                             RAMON
               You su -- (no audio) (through the moving 
               subway window, Ramon is
 
               swearing and pointing at Jerry)

               
               
               
               Exterior of George's apartment building then inside his apartment.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah, we got along real well.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, uh, she has no female friends! 
               You know that, don't
 
               cha? Something strange about a woman who's friends are all men.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah, I know. We talked all about that.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You talked all about that?

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh yeah. Elaine opened up her vault.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Did you just say vault?

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah, why? Did I use it wrong?

               
                             GEORGE
               You got that from Elaine.

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah. So what?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well it's a little strange. You going 
               to start to talk like
 
               Elaine from now on?

               
                             SUSAN
               I don't know. Anyway I thought we'd 
               all go to a movie on Friday.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               We'd all go to movie on Friday?

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               This is not good. World's are colliding! 
               George is getting
 
               upset!

               
               
               (Commercial)

               
               
               
               Inside Jerry's apartment -- Jerry sits on the couch listening 
               to George.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah you have no idea of the magnitude 
               of this thing. If she is
 
               allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you 
               know him,
 
               Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, 
               but
 
               there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, 
               the
 
               George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, 
               Liar
 
               George, Bawdy George.

               
                             JERRY
               I, I love that George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship 
               George walks
 
               through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, 
               divided
 
               against itself, Cannot Stand!

               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               You're Killing Independent George! You 
               know that, don't you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               George I don't even want to get --
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You know what word Susan used last night? 
               Hnuh. Vault! hu,
 
               hu, hu.

               
                             ELAINE
               So?

               
                             GEORGE
               She got that from you!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I didn't tell here to say it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What is she the only girl in the whole 
               world? Why can't you get
 
               find your own girl?

               
                             ELAINE
               I Like Her!

               
                             GEORGE
               You see (to Jerry). You see. You see 
               what I'm talking about.
 
               It's all just slipping away. And you're letting it happen. (exits 
               --
 
               slamming the door)

               
                             JERRY
               So you want to catch a movie later?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ahh, yeah, sure.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't have a paper though.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm. (picks up the phone and dials)
 
               
               
               (Ring)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. Brought 
               to you by the New
 
               York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday ... Kevin 
               Bacon,
 
               Susan Sarandon -- “You've got to get me over that mountain!” 
               “Now”
 
               (bang, bang) “AHHHHHHHHHH” There is no place higher than ... 
               Mountain
 
               High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to 
               see,
 
               press 1.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, is that you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, what time does Chow Fun start?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know.

               
               
               
               Exterior of the Physique health club, then inside to the men's 
               locker
 
               room.

               
                             RAMON
               Well, well. Look who's here.

               
                             JERRY
               Ramon, what are you doing here? You 
               could get in trouble.
 
               
                             RAMON
               No, I don't think so Jerry. You see 
               they gave me my job back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             RAMON
               I'm a pool boy ... again.

               
                             JERRY
               Look Ramon, about the other day. I'm 
               sorry if I offended you. I
 
               get a little crabby on the subway.

               
                             RAMON
               Do you?

               
                             JERRY
               What happened to all the towels?

               
                             RAMON
               Oh, ah, I guess they must have disappeared. 
               (walks away)
 
               
               (Newman rushes up to Jerry)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey Jerry. Look at all the towels they 
               gave me! I really hit
 
               the jackpot! (holding a large stack of towels, Newman pats his 
               face
 
               with the top one) Ha, ha, ha.

               
               (Jerry extends his arms, making a vain attempt at a reach for 
               a towel as
 
               Newman walks away)

               
               
               
               Exterior of Elaine's building. Elaine and Jerry walk down the 
               steps and
 
               on to the sidewalk.

               
                             JERRY
               It's been a terrible situation down 
               there the past couple of
 
               days. He's really been making things uncomfortable for me. There's
 
               
               always a big pile of dirty towels in front of my locker ...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh-huh.

               
                             JERRY
               And then when I come out of the pool, 
               my towel's always gone.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uhh, so frustrating!

               
                             JERRY
               Tell me about it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uhh, so you want to join me and Susan 
               for lunch at the coffee
 
               shop?

               
                             JERRY
               You're meeting Susan for lunch at the 
               coffee shop?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm meeting George for lunch at the 
               coffee shop.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, huh. Well, this should be very interesting.
 
               
               
               (Elaine walks off, while Jerry stands there contemplating the 
               upcoming
 
               ramifications)

               
               
               
               Elaine and Jerry enter Monk's coffee shop as Susan sits across 
               the booth
 
               from Kramer.

               
                             SUSAN
               Hey! Elaine! Jerry. Over here!

               
                             KRAMER
               There they are.

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah, look who I ran into.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. (sits down next to Susan)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ahh.

               
               (Jerry stands a few paces from the booth, looking around for 
               George, and
 
               feeling uncomfortable about the upcoming events)

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on Jerry. Aren't you going to join 
               us?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, you know. I'm supposed to meet, 
               eh, someone -- I'll, I'll
 
               wait for them outside. (walks towards the door)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, wait here. Come on, sit down. 
               What's the matter with
 
               you?

               
                             JERRY
               This is gonna to be ugly. (quietly)
 
               
               
               (Jerry sits down next to Kramer)

               
                             SUSAN
               What's that Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               (coughing) I said, boy am I ugly.

               
               (George enters the coffee shop)

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, hey, hey, Georgie boy, over here.
 
               
               
               (George walks in and stops, looking at the four of them sitting 
               in the
 
               booth. He nods his head and extends his arm in acknowledgment, 
               nods his
 
               head again, he lightly claps his hands and walks up to the table)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               One, two ... three, four.

               
               (extending his arm and counting to Elaine, Susan, Kramer and 
               Jerry, who
 
               he puts his hand under Jerry's chin and then makes a fist and 
               presses it
 
               to Jerry's cheek)

               
                             GEORGE
               Ha Ho! (he turns and walks out the door)
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Hey George!

               
                             JERRY
               We'll pull up another chair.

               
               
               
               Exterior of Reggie's diner, then inside where George sits alone 
               in a
 
               booth. He eats in silence. A man sits at the counter, sipping 
               coffee.
 
               
               
               
               Exterior shot of the Physique health club, then inside to the 
               pool.
 
               Jerry is swimming while Ramon is cleaning the pool with a large 
               squeegee
 
               on a long pole.

               
                             JERRY
               I see you there Ramon.

               
               (Ramon jabs a little bit at Jerry with the squeegee)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, l‘ll just keep swimming. Hey, hey. 
               I'm not done. I know
 
               what you're up to Ramon. Because I'm a member here, this is my 
               place to
 
               swim.

               
               (Ramon pushes the squeegee out into Jerry's swim path -- Jerry 
               grabs the
 
               squeegee pole and they struggle in a push-pull match)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, you better cut it out Ramon. Just 
               stop it.
 
               
               (Ramon loses his balance and Jerry pulls him into the pool)
 
               
               
                             RAMON
               Oh.

               
               (Newman runs towards the pool in one of those old time bathing 
               suits)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Olly, olly, oxen, free!

               
               (It looks like Newman tries to do a cannonball into the pool, 
               filmed in
 
               slow motion. Ramon looks up with a stunned look on his face, 
               seeing
 
               Newman as he jumps into the pool on top of him.)

               
                             JERRY
               (NO!)

               
               Camera fade to Ramon, lying unconscious on the tile pool deck. 
               Newman
 
               and Jerry are kneeling over him.

               
                             JERRY
               I think he's gonna need, mouth-to-mouth 
               resuscitation.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Mouth-to-mouth?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Huh.

               
                             JERRY
               Well? Go ahead.

               
                             NEWMAN
               You go.

               
                             JERRY
               You knocked him out.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah, but you pulled him in.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on Newman. Do it.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Nah.

               
                             JERRY
               He might die.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah. Maybe.

               
               
               
               Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where 
               Susan
 
               and Elaine are sitting and talking.

               
                             ELAINE
               (on the phone to) Look Jerry, we'll 
               meet you at the theater.
 
                             
               00, we can't wait any

               longer.

               
                             SUSAN
               Elaine, where could he be? It's not 
               like George to just
 
               disappear.

               
                             ELAINE
               Look, let's just leave him a note, okay?
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, I don't know.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, come on, come on, come on. (picks 
               up pad of paper and
 
               writes) “George, Elaine and I went to see Chunnel ... with Jerry.”
 
               
               Love?

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               “Love ... Susan.”

               
               
               
               Camera fade to Elaine, Susan and Jerry outside the Paragon movie
 
               
               theater. It's night as they wait in line to buy tickets.

               
                             JERRY
               So eventually these people came and, 
               somebody, gave him
 
               mouth-to-mouth.

               
                             ELAINE
               He could have died

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it was a gamble.

               
                             SUSAN
               Why didn't you give him mouth-to-mouth?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah. (makes face)

               
                             ELAINE
               How can you possibly show your face 
               there again?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh I can't. They revoked my membership. 
               Newman too. You know,
 
               we can't go anywhere near there.

               
               (they move up to the ticket window)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, ah, three for Chunnel -- two adults 
               ... one child. (looking
 
               towards Jerry)

               
               
               
               Night exterior of George's apartment building, then inside where 
               George
 
               finds the note.

               
                             GEORGE
               What the hell is this? “George, Elaine 
               and I went to see
 
               Chunnel ... with Jerry.” With Jerry, huh? With Jerry! Great. 
               Great!
 
               (dials phone) Probably went to the 84th St. That's where I always 
               go
 
               with Jerry.

               
               (Rings)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hewwo and welcome to Movie phone. If 
               you know the name of the
 
               movie you'd like to see, press one.

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on. Come on.

               
                             KRAMER
               Using your touch-tone keypad, please 
               enter the first three
 
               letters of the movie title, now.

               
               (George presses 3 keys)

               
                             KRAMER
               You've selected ... Agent Zero? If that's 
               correct, press one.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, you've selected ... Brown-Eyed Girl? 
               If this is correct,
 
               press one.

               
               (George looks baffled)

               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't you just tell me the name 
               of the movie you've
 
               selected.

               
                             GEORGE
               Chunnel?

               
                             KRAMER
               To find the theater nearest you, please 
               enter your five digit
 
               zip-code, now.

               
               (George enters his zip-code)

               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't you just tell me where you 
               want to see the movie?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Lowes Paragon, 84th and Broadway.

               
                             KRAMER
               (picks up paper) Chunnel, is playing 
               at the Paragon 84th Street
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, now I gotcha! (hangs up the phone 
               and rushes out the
 
               door)

               
                             KRAMER
               It's also playing in theater number 
               two at 9:00.
 
               
               
               
               Night exterior of United Artists Theater with a busy street in 
               the
 
               foreground -- taxi's drive by. Then inside to a darkened theater,
 
               
               George, in the isle, searches for Jerry, Elaine and Susan. He's 
               trying
 
               to be quiet and still get their attention.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry ... Where are you? I know you 
               like to sit back here.
 
               Elaine! Susan!

               
                             MOVIE PATRON
               SHH!

               
                             
               “The English Channel Tunnel,

               Chunnel, runs 32.3 miles, with two openings. One here, in England 
               and
 
               another one here, in France. That's all we got. Thank you for 
               your
 
               time gentlemen. Can I ask you a question Mr. McKittrick.”

               
               -- it's a bit hard to hear the movie dialogue, as we are supposed 
               to be
 
               focused on George, but I was able to make out most of it)

               
               
               
               Cut to Susan, Elaine and Jerry watching Chunnel in the theater 
               next
 
               door. Jerry is eating popcorn while Elaine sips a drink and eats 
               a bit
 
               of popcorn

               
                             JERRY
               I can't figure out what's going on here. 
               I can't follow the
 
               plot. Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them?
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               No, no. That's not the guy. That's a 
               different guy.
 
               
               (Susan looks irritated at Jerry and Elaine's talking)

               
                             JERRY
               What is he doing in the Chunnel?

               
                             SUSAN
               Would you two, Please?

               
               (movie voice - clearly it's Larry David's voice) ( Everybody 
               out of the
 
               Chunnel! Everybody out! )

               
               (Elaine and Jerry stop eating, sink back into their seats and 
               look at
 
               each other, with silent expressions that say “what is her problem.”)
 
               
               
                             
               “Let me tell you

               something about the Chunnel, Mr. Thane. That our only freeway 
               is
 
               adept. (inaudible) Elaine Brookstone will get the money bag
 
               
               (inaudible) Not as long as I have these long stickers. Find him 
               and
 
               Kill him! I don't care if we have to turn this Chunnel upside 
               down!
 
               Find Him! Everybody out of the Chunnel! Everybody out! The Chunnel's
 
               
               gonna blow! AHHHHHH (Explosion)”

               
                THIS TIME IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE 
               ARE SOME
 
               inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it)

               
               
               
               back to George in the other theater. He stands at the front of 
               the
 
               theater, the movie screen behind and above him. He is still trying 
               to
 
               find Jerry, Elaine and Susan.

               
                             GEORGE
               Susan! Jerry! Where are you? I know 
               you're there! Answer me!
 
               
                             MOVIE PATRON
               (Hey, sit down!)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey. Hey. Answer me! Come on, show yourselves!
 
               
               
                             MOVIE PATRON
               (Hey, we're trying to watch a movie 
               here!)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Drink your soda! Come on! I know you're 
               there, laughing at
 
               me. Laughing and lying and laughing! I had to go to Reggies, 
               Jerry!
 
               Reggies!

               
                             MOVIE PATRON
               (Move it off of there!)

               
                             GEORGE
               Where are you!

               
                             2ND MOVIE PATRON
               (Hey are you sure you got the right 
               theater?)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chunnel. Susan!

               
                             2ND MOVIE PATRON
               (It's playing in two theaters.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Two theaters?

               
                             2ND MOVIE PATRON
               (Yeah, there's a 9:00 too.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh. Sorry.

               
               (A large bucket of popcorn is thrown at George. He tries to deflect 
               it,
 
               but the popcorn flies all over)

               
                             
               “There's something

               else, your ex-wife. Alexandra? She's in France, I'm telling ya. 
               No,
 
               she's in the Chunnel. The Chunnel? No! Mr. President, I'm sorry 
               to
 
               disturb you. What is it? There's something about the Chunnel. 
               Oh?”
 
               (inaudible) And that means your daughter is in the Chunnel. Somewhere
 
               
               between France and ... (inaudible)”

               
                AGAIN, IT'S REALLY TOUGH TO MAKE ALL OF IT OUT, SO THERE ARE 
               SOME
 
               inaudible parts, but I tried to pick up most of it)

               
               
               
               Elaine, Susan and Jerry exit the theater.

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought that was pretty good, huh?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wha'd you think Susan?

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, I don't know. I couldn't hear anything. 
               You, you talked the
 
               whole movie.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well come on. You want to go grab 
               a bite to eat?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             SUSAN
               Ah, no. I don't think so.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why not?

               
                             SUSAN
               Well you know, all you guys ever do 
               is sit around the coffee shop
 
               talking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't 
               know
 
               how you can stand it. I'll see you.

               
               (Susan turns to walk away, but stops and looks at George being 
               escorted
 
               out of the theater by two ushers. He struggles to try and stay 
               inside
 
               the theater, but they forcefully remove him. Jerry, Elaine and 
               Susan
 
               watch as George it escorted out -- he does not see the three 
               of them
 
               standing there.)

               
                             GEORGE
               I know they're in there, the three of 
               them, laughing at me.
 
               Together, laughing and lying.

               
                             USHER
               Let's go pal.

               
                             GEORGE
               They're -- They're killing independent 
               George! And they're,
 
               they're all in on it! World's are colliding!

               
               (Camera freeze on George with the two ushers -- and into commercial)               
               his hand knocks 3 times on the door.

               
                             MOVIE PHONE GUY
               Hello, and welcome to your worst nightmare.
 
               
               
               (Kramer, sitting on the couch, reading the paper and eating cereal 
               is obviously startled by the voice at his door)

               
                             MOVIE PHONE GUY
               (con't) I know your in there, Cosmo 
               Kramer, Apartment 5B.
 
               You're in big trouble, Now. You've been sealing my business. 
               If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door, Now. Or, please               
               select the number of seconds, you'd like to wait, before I break 
               this door down. Please select Now.

               
               (as the Movie Phone Guy talks, Kramer slides off the couch and 
               ducks down under the coffee table, then pops back up with a dazed look.)
 
               
               
               
               
                                THE END



The Pool Guy



Writers :   David Mandel
Genres :   Comedy


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