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                            THE POTHOLE



                             Written by

                   Steve O'Donnell & Dan O'Keefe
 
               
               
                             
               (Bathroom)

               
               Jerry is standing by the sink, preparing to brush his teeth. 
               Jenna (his latest ladyfriend) enters.

               
                             JENNA
               Morning.

               
                             JERRY
               Morning.

               
               She hands him a tube of toothpaste.

               
                             JENNA
               Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (applying paste to brush) Ah, baking 
               soda. Annoying little product. 'I
 
               
               can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut 
               up?
 
               
                             JENNA
               I'm gonna grab you a towel.

               
               Jenna leaves the bathroom. Jerry brushes his teeth. He clearly 
               doesn't like the
 
               taste of the baking soda, and leans over the sink to spit. He 
               puts his hand on
 
               the counter and knocks Jenna's toothbrush off the edge. The brush 
               falls into the
 
               toilet bowl.

               
               There is a shot from beneath the water in the toilet, looking 
               up. Jerry's face
 
               looking down into the bowl, with an expression of shock and horror.
 
               
               
               Jerry looks behind him, to see if Jenna has spotted him. He rolls 
               up the sleeve
 
               of his dressing gown, grimaces, and plunges his hand into the 
               toilet. He grabs
 
               the brush out, drops it on a shelf beside the mirror and immediately 
               begins
 
               frantically washing his hands. As he completes this task, he 
               raises his head and
 
               finds Jenna has returned. She is standing behind him, smiling 
               as she brushes her
 
               teeth with the brush he just retrieved from the toilet.

               
                             JERRY
               Ooh-ooh

               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry and George in a booth, as per usual.

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               So? She used the toothbrush!

               
                             GEORGE
               You said you grabbed it outta there 
               real fast, right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               So I'm sure whatever germs it landed 
               on were knocked out, and by the
 
               time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already 
               grabbed it
 
               out.

               
                             JERRY
               How many years of med school did you 
               have?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Was she mad?

               
               Jerry says nothing, but pulls a face.

               
                             GEORGE
               You didn't tell her.

               
                             JERRY
               Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches 
               for word)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?

               
                             JERRY
               I'll take fastidious.

               
               George puts his keys on the table. On the ring is a miniature 
               head, clearly a
 
               caricature of someone.

               
                             JERRY
               What is that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ahh, Steinbrenner gave 'em to us, in 
               honour of Phil Rizzuto being
 
               inducted into the Hall of Fame.

               
               He squeezes the miniature head.

               
                             HEAD
               Holy cow!

               
                             JERRY
               They don't actually have to squeeze 
               his head to get him to say 'holy
 
               cow', do they?

               
                             GEORGE
               Just the last few innings of a double-header.
 
               
               
               Kramer enters. He is carrying a battered sewing machine. He comes 
               over.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing 
               lane of the Arthur Berkhardt
 
               expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) 
               Dragged this thing
 
               for five exits.

               
               He dumps the machine on the table and sits beside Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Why didn't you pull over?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I was draughting behind a semi. 
               I didn't wanna lose him. The
 
               infrastructure, Jerry, it's crumbling.

               
               George squeezes the miniature head.

               
                             HEAD
               Holy cow!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, look at that. A talking Nixon.
 
               
               
               (Elaine's Apartment/Chinese Restaurant)

               
               Elaine is calling for Chinese food. The scene flicks from her 
               at home with the
 
               phone and a menu, to the restaurant owner taking the order.
 
               
               
                             OWNER
               China Panda.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I'd like to place an order.

               
                             OWNER
               Ah yes, what you like?

               
                             ELAINE
               This Supreme Flounder, it says first 
               time served in America. Is that
 
               true?

               
                             OWNER
               What number?

               
                             ELAINE
               Forty-seven.

               
                             OWNER
               Yeah, first time. What else?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, that's it.

               
                             OWNER
               Address?

               
                             ELAINE
               Seventy-eight, West Eighty-sixth Street. 
               Apartment three E.
 
               
                             OWNER
               That's southside. Sorry, we don't deliver 
               below Eighty-sixth.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm not below.

               
                             OWNER
               Yes you are. Street itself is boundary.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Your guy can't cross to my side?

               
                             OWNER
               If we deliver to you, then what? Eighty-fifth 
               Street, Wall Street,
 
               Mexico, Eighty-fourth Street.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, fine. I'll just cross and meet 
               him.
 
               
                             OWNER
               Sorry, food only for those who live 
               within boundary. (slams down phone)
 
               
               
               Elaine listens to the dial tone for a second. Then she pushes 
               the redial.
 
               
                             OWNER
               (picks up phone) China Panda.

               
                             ELAINE
               (using silly voice) Uh, yeah yeah. I'd 
               like to place an order.
 
               
                             OWNER
               Ah, what you like?

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Kramer enters. He's smoking a substantial cigar.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm a poppa.

               
                             JERRY
               Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at 
               this point.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of 
               today I am a proud parent of a
 
               one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. 
               Yeah, I went down there and I
 
               checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.
 
               
               
               He gets his wallet from his back pocket and shows Jerry a Polaroid 
               snapshot in
 
               it.

               
                             JERRY
               Aw, looks just like you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep 
               it clean?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               They try to push you into using their 
               cleaning crew, with all their
 
               so-called maintenance equipment.

               
                             JERRY
               That old scam.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all 
               myself. This parenting isn't
 
               about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.

               
                             JERRY
               At the side of the road, with a pile 
               of garbage.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Quality time.

               
               George enters looking anxious, maybe borderline panicky. He stalks 
               about the
 
               place, looking for something, frustratedly.

               
                             GEORGE
               Keys. I can't find my keys.

               
                             JERRY
               You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Have you seen 'em?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Dammit!

               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon, retrace your steps. What d'you 
               do today?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I got up, I was supposed to go to work, 
               I came here instead.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Right.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, they're not here. You'll have 
               to dig up your spare set.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't have a spare set. All my keys 
               say 'do not duplicate'.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             GEORGE
               So you can't duplicate 'em.

               
               At this, Jerry and Kramer exchange a look, and laugh.

               
                             KRAMER
               Sure you can. (to Jerry) Such a sweet 
               kid.
 
               
               (Street)

               
               Elaine stands on the sidewalk, waiting for someone. She looks 
               up the street and
 
               sees a Chinese delivery boy approaching with a bag of food. She 
               ducks into the
 
               entranceway to the apartment building behind her, and then effects 
               to be coming
 
               out of the building as the delivery boy gets there.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Oh, hi. China Panda?

               
                             DELIVERY BOY
               (suspicious) Why you waiting on the 
               street and not in your
 
               apartment?

               
                             ELAINE
               I... thought that I would meet you halfway.
 
               
               
               She takes the bag of food.

               
                             DELIVERY BOY
               You really live here?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah. (handing over money) There 
               you go, keep the change. Bye now.
 
               
               I'll see you.

               
               Elaine walks back towards the door to the building. She expects 
               the boy to
 
               leave, but he's still suspicious, and waits. Elaine tries the 
               door, but it's
 
               locked. She looks, and the boy still waits. Elaine tries the 
               door harder, but it
 
               won't yield. She admits defeat and hands the food back, and receives 
               her money.
 
               The delivery boy walks off.

               
                             ELAINE
               (at the boy's back) This isn't fair. 
               This is address discrimination!
 
               
               (Another Street)

               
               George is standing outside a store, looking preoccupied. Jerry 
               emerges from the
 
               store with a carrier bag full of stuff.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I cleaned out their whole dental 
               hygiene shelf.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So the plan is to secretly sterilise 
               her mouth?
 
               
               They begin to walk along the street.

               
                             JERRY
               By the time I'm through with her mouth, 
               she'll be able to eat off it. Is
 
               it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, stings the throat. Anyway, so I 
               was coming along here, and I felt
 
               
               like a piece of cake, you know? But then I thought, it's morning, 
               I should
 
               really have a muffin. I like those chocolate chip ones. Then 
               I figured, well,
 
               they're really both cake. So I, uh, I sat on that bench for a 
               little while,
 
               twenty minutes or an hour, and then I figured, check and see 
               what you were up
 
               to. (a thought occurs to him) Wait a minute, wait a minute. The 
               broad jump! The
 
               broad jump over the pothole on Eighty-sixth Street!

               
               George dashes off excitedly. Jerry follows, with somewhat less 
               enthusiasm.
 
               
               (Eighty-sixth Street)

               
               George is still animatedly leading Jerry along in pursuit of 
               his keys.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Now I remember, as I jumped over the 
               hole I heard a, like a jingling
 
               sound.

               
                             JERRY
               You didn't look down?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was trying to stick the landing. (indistinct) 
               ...was right around
 
               here.

               
               He peers about at the road surface for the pothole. He finds 
               a patch of fresh
 
               tarmac.

               
                             GEORGE
               No! No!!

               
               A car drives by, running right over the patch.

               
                             HEAD
               Holy, Holy Cow!

               
                             JERRY
               Poor son of a bitch.

               
               (Jenna's Apartment)

               
               Jenna is at the sink in her bathroom, using an electric toothbrush 
               which Jerry
 
               has bought her. It's loud.

               
                             JERRY
               It's a hundred thousand revolutions 
               a second. It's the most powerful one
 
               
               they make.

               
                             JENNA
               It's like I'm holding a blender.

               
                             JERRY
               The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.
 
               
               
               Jerry begins to wander into the living room. Jenna switches off 
               the brush.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh no, you keep going. It shuts off 
               automatically.
 
               
                             JENNA
               (restarting and reapplying the brush) 
               Really, it does?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (unheard by Jenna) When the battery 
               runs out.
 
               
                             JENNA
               (shouting to Jerry) I was really happy 
               with my old toothbrush.
 
               
               In the living room, Jerry is carefully putting the old brush 
               into a plastic bag,
 
               being very careful not to touch it with his bare skin. He then 
               seals the bag.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, trust me, that one was doing more 
               harm than good. Don't forget to use
 
               
               the Plax too.

               
               Jenna takes a sip from a glass as if to gargle.

               
                             JENNA
               That stuff tastes like bleach!

               
               Jerry is looking for a place to put the soiled brush.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know anything about that.

               
               Just before Jenna emerges from the bathroom, Jerry throws the 
               bag with the brush
 
               out of the window.

               
                             JENNA
               Mmm. My mouth feels so clean.

               
                             JERRY
               That's the idea.

               
               Jenna approaches Jerry, clearly intending to kiss him. As Jenna 
               leans toward
 
               him, Jerry gets a flashback of the toothbrush plunging into the 
               toilet bowl, in
 
               black and white, with portentous music. From his viewpoint, we 
               see Jenna's lips
 
               looming toward him. He looks nauseated by the prospect of the 
               kiss, and pulls
 
               away.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, maybe we better not. I, I 
               think I'm getting a little cold. I
 
               
               don't wanna give you any of my germs.

               
                             JENNA
               Aww. Okay. Thanks, I guess.

               
               (Jerry's Car)

               
               Jerry driving with Elaine in the passenger seat.

               
                             ELAINE
               You still couldn't kiss her?

               
                             JERRY
               She has a taint. I can't see it, but 
               I know it's there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, so now you're finding fault on a 
               sub-atomic level.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe if I could shrink myself down, 
               like in Fantastic Voyage, and get
 
               
               inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if 
               there was something
 
               there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Jer, do you see where this is going?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Being really clean and happy?

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, you have tendencies. They're 
               always annoying, but they were just
 
               
               tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid 
               we're talking
 
               disorder.

               
                             JERRY
               Disorder?

               
                             ELAINE
               And from disorder, you're a quirk or 
               two away from full-on dementia.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. 
               (pointing out of window) Hey, there
 
               
               it is.

               
               We see Jerry and Elaine's view of the road signs. 'Mile 114' 
               'Adopt-a-Highway'
 
               and 'Litter removal next 1 Mile KRAMER'.

               
                             ELAINE
               Shall we stop and say hi?

               
                             JERRY
               Nah, we've seen it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
               (Mile 114)

               
               Kramer is standing on the verge beside a large pile of plastic 
               bags full of
 
               trash, a couple of brooms lean against the crash barrier. He 
               has an armful of
 
               assorted garbage. Jerry's car passes in the traffic, and a brief 
               beep of the
 
               horn is heard.

               
                             KRAMER
               (shouting after car) Hey Jerry! Yeah, 
               I'll see you back at the house!
 
               
               He drops the last handful of trash into a bag.

               
                             KRAMER
               Mile one-fourteen, clean as a whistle.
 
               
               
               He claps his hands in satisfaction, and looks out at 'his' road. 
               He notices
 
               something. In the middle of the road is a Coke can, crushed by 
               traffic.
 
               
               Kramer makes a decision, and dashes out into the traffic to retrieve 
               the can.
 
               His progress to the can is accompanied by the squeal of brakes 
               and the blare of
 
               horns as the traffic passes him. As he reaches the can, one car 
               has to come to a
 
               complete stop. Kramer grabs the can and hurries back to the side 
               of the road,
 
               where he leans on the barrier.

               
               (Apartment Building)

               
               Elaine is in the hallway of a building, outside Apartment 1A. 
               She knocks at the
 
               door and a guy opens it.

               
                             MAN
               Yeah?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi. I'm your neighbour, uh, fr... from 
               across the street. And uh,
 
               (coughs nervously) I was wondering, if it wouldn't be too much 
               trouble, if I
 
               could use your apartment to order some food?

               
                             MAN
               Wha? What d'you want?

               
                             ELAINE
               You see, there's this certain flounder 
               and they won't deliver it to my
 
               side of the street.

               
                             MAN
               Wh, when is that?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I just need them to deliver it here 
               and I have to be kinda inside is
 
               all.

               
                             MAN
               Who are you with?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, actually I'm... I'm just kind of 
               hungry.
 
               
                             MAN
               Who let you in?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, the lock was broken. You just 
               have to jiggle it, actually. But, I
 
               
               just need like a half an hour to an hour.

               
               The man shuts the door in her face.

               
               Elaine turns to leave, and as she does she sees an unmarked door 
               opposite which
 
               stands open. She crosses over for a closer look. It's clearly 
               a janitor's
 
               closet, with the usual fixings. A thought occurs to Elaine, and 
               a smile comes to
 
               her face.

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry has just entered and is removing his coat. Kramer is in 
               the kitchen
 
               cleaning highway signs in the sink.

               
                             JERRY
               What's with the signs?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. 
               My mile is spotless. I mean
 
               the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping 
               carts (makes
 
               sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (holding up a sign) Speed limit, one 
               hundred and sixty-five miles per
 
               hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids 
               with the spray
 
               paint, God love 'em.

               
               George enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. So, keys?

               
                             GEORGE
               No keys. And I been calling the city 
               all day. Course there's not really
 
               
               a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.

               
                             JERRY
               I guess they leave that up to the general 
               population.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto 
               was down there, this wouldn't
 
               be happening!

               
                             JERRY
               Hard to say.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, you need some roadwork done? 'Cos 
               I met some maintenance guys today
 
               
               on the highway, they could probably help you out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones 
               from them when I was sweeping my
 
               car-pool lane.

               
               The buzzer buzzes.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
                             JENNA
               It's Jenna.

               
               Jerry buzzes Jenna in, opens the door and indicates to George 
               and Kramer that
 
               their presence is no longer required.

               
                             JERRY
               If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like 
               to ward off dementia.
 
               
               George and Kramer leave, still discussing the maintenance guys.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You think you could hook me up with 
               these guys?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, yeah. Give me a ring tomorrow. 
               I'm gonna be at emergency
 
               callbox seven-eight-four.

               
                             GEORGE
               Seven-eight-four.

               
               Jenna enters.

               
                             JENNA
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             JENNA
               How you feeling?

               
                             JERRY
               Good. My cold's gone, and I've been 
               looking forwards to kissing you,
 
               which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready.

               
               Jenna moves in for the kiss. As she leans towards Jerry, he gets 
               that revolted
 
               look on his again and turns his face away.

               
                             JENNA
               What?!

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my 
               lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I
 
               
               brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice 
               and hurriedly)
 
               and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't 
               able to tell you
 
               before you could use it.

               
                             JENNA
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry.

               
                             JENNA
               When were you gonna tell me this?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Obviously never.

               
               The door opens and Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               I need the yield sign.

               
               Kramer goes and begins to gather the signs from the kitchen.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of 
               something. Would you get these signs
 
               
               out of here, please?

               
               Kramer brings his signs from the kitchen and Jerry picks up those 
               which were on
 
               his table. Together they carry them across the hall to Kramer's 
               apartment.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You could've introduced me.

               
                             JERRY
               I wouldn't know where to start.

               
               As Jerry is about to return to his apartment, the door is slammed 
               shut. He tries
 
               to open it, but it has been locked.

               
                             JERRY
               (knocking) Hey, Jenna. Hey!

               
               Jenna opens the door, she has her jacket in her hand and is ready 
               to leave.
 
               
                             JENNA
               There. Now something of yours has been 
               in the toilet.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?! Wha... what'd you put in there?
 
               
               
                             JENNA
               Gotta run.

               
               Jenna departs, leaving Jerry looking around him. He's wide-eyed, 
               looking panicky
 
               and disgusted.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, man!

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry is on the phone. His table is covered with bottles of cleaning 
               fluids,
 
               disinfectants, etc.. He is wearing a rubber glove to hold a spatula. 
               Elaine is
 
               eating an apple and watching him.

               
                             JERRY
               (into phone) Hello, Jenna, did you dunk 
               the spatula? Was it the spatula?
 
               Hello? Dammit!

               
               Frustrated, he throws the spatula into the waste bin.

               
                             ELAINE
               She won't even give you a hint?

               
                             JERRY
               No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's 
               a biohazard.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know what I bet it is? (points) 
               Your remote.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, that is a definite possibility.
 
               
               
               He picks up the remote control and drops it into a waste bin.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (walking to the couch) Or, could be 
               your walkman there.
 
               
               Jerry picks up the walkman and begins to deposit it in the trash, 
               then a thought
 
               occurs to him. Elaine sits on the couch and picks up the phone.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Are you just screwing with me?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I am.

               
               Jerry thinks for a second, then he throws the walkman in the 
               garbage anyway.
 
               Kramer enters carrying a box.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey ah.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, how's life on the road?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't doubt it.

               
               Kramer puts his box on the kitchen counter.

               
                             KRAMER
               You should see the smiles on the drivers' 
               faces. I mean, you gotta look
 
               quick, but they're there.

               
               From the box, Kramer picks up square orange reflective objects.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's this?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, those annoying little 
               bumps on the lane-lines? (makes
 
               noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)

               
                             JERRY
               Isn't that some kind of safety thing?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna 
               widen the lanes.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What the hell are you talking about?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, you know how in planes they got 
               first class? More leg room, better
 
               
               ride? Well, I'm bringing that concept to mile one-fourteen.
 
               
               
               Elaine has the receiver from the phone held to her ear.

               
                             ELAINE
               How are you gonna widen the lanes?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well you black out lane-lines one and 
               three, and a four-lane highway
 
               becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any 
               black paint?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next 
               to the riding mower.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order 
               of supreme flounder, number
 
               forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.

               
                             JERRY
               One-Q? Whose apartment is that?

               
                             ELAINE
               That's the janitor closet, across the 
               street.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're pretending to live in a janitor's 
               closet, just to get this
 
               flounder?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's better than eating it alone in 
               the restaurant, like some loser.
 
               
               Kramer is applying something from Jerry's table of cleaning fluids, 
               etc, to his
 
               neck, like a cologne.

               
                             KRAMER
               That stuff is unbelievable. I'd eat 
               it out of a dumpster.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (heading to door) How do you know about 
               it? You're not in the delivery
 
               zone.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, Newman uses his mail truck to 
               run fish for China Panda on the
 
               weekends.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, mine's coming in ten, so... see 
               you boys.
 
               
               Elaine leaves.

               
                             KRAMER
               Now, where's that tool shed of yours?
 
               
               
               (Apartment Building)

               
               The delivery boy from China Panda in the hallway. He knocks at 
               the door to the
 
               janitor's closet. He looks at the label on the door, which is 
               a piece of tape
 
               with '1Q' crudely written in magic marker. He waits for a couple 
               of seconds then
 
               knocks again. Elaine opens the door, with a towel wrapped around 
               her head, as if
 
               her hair is wet.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi. Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was 
               in the shower.
 
               
               She takes the bag with her order and hands over some money. The 
               delivery boy is
 
               trying to see past her into the 'apartment'.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll see you.

               
               She shuts the door, leaving the delivery boy looking a tad bemused.
 
               
               
               (Eighty-sixth Street)

               
               George stands by the filled pothole. A highway maintenance truck 
               is parked next
 
               to it. A trio of workers approach George, and the senior man 
               speaks.
 
               
                             RALPH
               You Costanza?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Thanks for, thanks for coming 
               by fellas. Eh, got a set of keys,
 
               
               buried in the pothole.

               
                             RALPH
               What're the keys doing in there?

               
                             GEORGE
               Just need to uh, to dig 'em up.

               
                             RALPH
               You put 'em in there?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nah, nah, it's uh, it's a long story. 
               Just uh, try to get it up.
 
               
                             RALPH
               Bad place to put your keys.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I know that. (clears throat) Could 
               you start, working?
 
               
                             RALPH
               Difficult job. You want those keys, 
               we're gonna have to dig this up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (penny drops) Oh, uh, wait a minute, 
               wait a minute. (snorts) Is this
 
               about money?

               
                             RALPH
               Yeah. (snorts) It's about money.

               
               (Mile 114)

               
               Kramer is driving his car slowly along the Expressway. On either 
               side of his
 
               boot is balanced an orange road cone. The traffic is passing 
               him, and the blare
 
               of horns is regularly heard.

               
               Kramer opens the driver side door. He picks up a paint roller, 
               and loads it with
 
               black paint from a tray on the passenger seat. Then he leans 
               out of the door and
 
               rolls the paint over the lane markers, still steering the car 
               with his other
 
               hand.

               
               (Apartment Building)

               
               Elaine emerges from the janitor's closet. She's wiping her lips, 
               following the
 
               flounder repast. As she does so, a woman walking along the hall 
               notices her.
 
               
                             MRS ALLISTER
               'Scuse me, what are you doing in there?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uhm, nothing. I was just uhm... I wasn't 
               in there.
 
               
                             MRS ALLISTER
               You were hanging around in there, lazing 
               on the job. When you
 
               shoulda been downstairs in the basement, cleaning out those old 
               carpets and
 
               scrap wood.

               
                             ELAINE
               Right, because... I'm the janitor. (picks 
               teeth with fingernail)
 
               
                             MRS ALLISTER
               Don't get smart with me.

               
                             ELAINE
               (meek) Yes ma'am.

               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Kramer is in bed. His alarm goes off, and the radio comes on 
               in the middle of
 
               the traffic report. Kramer wakes up and listens.

               
                             RADIO
               Hey, and if you're heading north on 
               the Arthur Berkhardt, whoah Nelly,
 
               
               for some reason four lanes are converging into two, instantaneously 
               right at
 
               mile-marker one-fourteen. I don't know what that is, but the 
               A-B's a parking lot
 
               out there. Somebody screwed up on that one.

               
               By the end of the report, Kramer looks slightly worried.

               
               (Janitor's Closet)

               
               Elaine stands waiting in the closet. There's the usual paraphernalia 
               - buckets,
 
               brooms, cleaning materials, stepladder, boxes, etc.. There's 
               a knock at the
 
               door. Elaine opens it to find Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh it's you.

               
                             JERRY
               Is the flounder here yet?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, it's not here yet. You want the 
               tour?
 
               
               Jerry enters, and Elaine closes the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               (gesturing) There's this.

               
                             JERRY
               Nice. French doors'd really open this 
               place up. Oh, but you have a
 
               slop-bucket.

               
               There's another knock at the door.

               
                             ELAINE
               (gleeful) The fish!

               
               She opens the door to find George. He's wearing a tartan workshirt.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, what're you doing here?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
               George joins Jerry and Elaine in the closet. It's getting a bit 
               cramped.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs 
               for the jackhammer, thought I'd
 
               drop by.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer's guys?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. 
               I just have to do all the
 
               jackhammering myself.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour 
               fantasy camp.
 
               
               The door is pushed open from the outside. It thumps into George 
               who is pushed
 
               into Elaine, who stumbles into Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ow!

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, man!

               
               Kramer enters the now crowded closet.

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh, yeah. (looks round) Oh, sweet setup. 
               Elaine, d'you have any paint
 
               thinner? I need like uh, forty gallons.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm plumb out.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh man, if I don't get that black paint 
               off the City's gonna go ape. I
 
               don't wanna lose my baby!

               
               There's yet another knock at the door. More strident.

               
                             MRS ALLISTER
               Janitor?

               
                             ELAINE
               (to the guys) Uh, Mrs Allister. (louder) 
               Yeah, uh, just coming Mrs
 
               Allister. (to guys) Okay, I've gotta get out.

               
               Elaine struggle to squeeze past George, and then Kramer to reach 
               the door. The
 
               she has to make room to swing the door inwards.

               
                             ELAINE
               Here, can you move, you gotta move from 
               the door.
 
               
               She succeeds in squeezing out, and stumbles into the hallway. 
               The crush behind
 
               her slams the door shut.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, I uhm... What can I do for you?
 
               
               
                             MRS ALLISTER
               I told you yesterday to haul that trash 
               outta the basement.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I am so sorry.

               
                             MRS ALLISTER
               Some of the children have been playing 
               near it and putting it in
 
               their mouths.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, a lot of it is vegetable...

               
               In the closet, the guys are struggling together with equipment 
               and supplies in
 
               the cramped space. The thumps of their movements can be heard 
               in the hallway.
 
               
                             MRS ALLISTER
               Get that stuff outta there today, or 
               you'll be outta here.
 
               Understand?

               
                             ELAINE
               (meekly) Yes ma'am.

               
               The janitor's closet door opens and the guys stumble out.

               
                             GEORGE
               ...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer 
               spilled ammonia.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't feel like eating.

               
                             KRAMER
               (holding up a set of heavy chains) I'm 
               gonna borrow this, huh?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (to Mrs Allister) Janitor's meeting.
 
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jenna enters and sits, Jerry closes the door behind her. It is 
               clear that Jerry
 
               has gone overboard in his efforts to dispose of whatever was 
               contaminated - his
 
               kitchen shelves are bare, and most other surfaces are free of 
               the usual
 
               knick-knacks.

               
                             JENNA
               So Jerry, why'd you call me?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I thought it's about time we put 
               aside all this silliness. I know
 
               now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?
 
               
               
                             JENNA
               Yes, I did.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, whatever. So, how've you been?
 
               
               
                             JENNA
               Good.

               
                             JERRY
               Good. (pause) Steak knife?

               
                             JENNA
               Just eating away at you isn't it?

               
                             JERRY
               Nah.

               
               The door opens and Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             JENNA
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?

               
                             JERRY
               For what?

               
                             ELAINE
               I have to haul some dirty garbage to 
               the dump.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) 
               because there's nothing wrong
 
               with dirt.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, actually it's pretty grimy.

               
                             JERRY
               Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever 
               it is, you take that stuff and
 
               put it right on my leather upholstery.

               
               He hands the keys to Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I don't know who you are, but 
               thanks for the car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sure. Bye.

               
                             ELAINE
               Bye.

               
                             JENNA
               Bye.

               
                             ELAINE
               Bye.

               
               Elaine leaves.

               
                             JERRY
               There, you see? I just leant her my 
               car, and she's gonna fill it with all
 
               
               sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last 
               germ-free
 
               sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, 
               please, what is
 
               it? What is it?!

               
                             JENNA
               Toilet brush.

               
                             JERRY
               Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, 
               shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I
 
               
               can replace that.

               
                             JENNA
               You wanna order dinner?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because 
               I, threw out all my dishes.
 
               
               (Eighty-sixth Street)

               
               Elaine strides along the sidewalk looking very blue-collar in 
               overalls and cap,
 
               grimy face, etc. She has some old carpet slung over one shoulder 
               and some paint
 
               cans in her hand. A jackhammer can be heard. As she walks along, 
               she passes
 
               George who is holding the jackhammer. She nods acknowledgment 
               and he touches the
 
               peak of his hardhat. George gives the pothole a burst from the 
               jackhammer.
 
               
               (Street)

               
               Kramer struggles to lift a forty-gallon drum into the boot of 
               his car. He
 
               eventually heaves it in.

               
               (Jenna's Apartment)

               
               Jerry and Jenna, sitting on the couch, eating and conversing 
               (looks like Chinese
 
               food).

               
                             JERRY
               That's true.

               
                             JENNA
               Mm.

               
                             JERRY
               But, I'll tell you this much. I am never 
               going to let some silly hygienic
 
               mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting
 
               
               relationship.

               
               (Eighty-sixth Street)

               
               George is giving the street a long burst from the jackhammer. 
               Suddenly, there is
 
               a clang. George stops hammering, and listens. There is a deep 
               rumbling sound,
 
               from beneath his feet, which seems to be getting louder. He looks 
               around for the
 
               source of the noise.

               
               (Jenna's Apartment)

               
               Jenna and Jerry are still eating on the couch. The rumbling noise 
               can be heard,
 
               though not so loud as outside. Then, in the bathroom, the toilet 
               starts to
 
               rattle.

               
                             JENNA
               Do you hear something?

               
               They both listen intently. The rumble continues and, in the bathroom, 
               the toilet
 
               rattles again, the cistern shaking.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know what that could be.

               
               Jenna gets up and goes to the bathroom door.

               
               (Eighty-sixth Street)

               
               There is a rending sound, and a huge jet of water erupts from 
               the ground right
 
               in front of George, where he was hammering. There is a shot from 
               above the
 
               rising column of water. On the top rises George's keyring.

               
                             HEAD
               Holy cow!

               
               The plume of water rises high above George, who can be seen looking 
               up at the
 
               height of it.

               
               (Jenna's Apartment)

               
               In the bathroom, Jenna is peering curiously at her rattling toilet, 
               wondering
 
               what's wrong. She leans toward the bowl. Jerry is in the living 
               room, still
 
               talking to her.

               
                             JERRY
               Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking 
               towards the future. Clean, dirty,
 
               
               whatever.

               
               There is the sound of a wet explosion and splashing water, followed 
               by Jenna
 
               screaming in the bathroom. Jerry leaps to his feet and rushes 
               to see what has
 
               happened.

               
               Jerry enters the bathroom and sees Jenna. Only her forearm is 
               visible to us, but
 
               it's enough for us to know that she is wringing wet as the result 
               of a violent
 
               eruption from the toilet bowl.

               
               Jerry's face registers his obvious distaste. He shrugs, sorry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Holy cow! Have a nice life.

               
               He closes the bathroom door as he leaves.

               
               (Jerry's Car)

               
               Elaine driving. The passenger seats are piled with the garbage 
               from the basement
 
               - old carpets, bits of timber, boxes, etc. An external shot of 
               the car reveals
 
               she is driving on Kramer's section of road, as the black-painted 
               lane markers
 
               can be seen.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, look at this. Wide lanes. This 
               is so luxurious. Woo, yeah.
 
               
               We see the Saab weave across the extra wide lanes. From the boot 
               falls a
 
               battered sewing machine. It sits in the middle of the carriageway.
 
               
               
               (Arthur Berkhardt Expressway)

               
               Kramer is manhandling the forty gallon drum out of his boot. 
               He struggles to
 
               heave it clear, and then he drops it. The drum falls onto its 
               side, and the lid
 
               comes off, spilling the contents across the road.

               
                             KRAMER
               Bugger!

               
               (Newman's Truck)

               
               Newman is singing as he drives. Beside him are a stack of boxes, 
               marked 'Fresh
 
               Fish'.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (sings) You're once. Twice. Three times 
               a lady.
 
               
               There's a loud crash as the truck runs over the sewing machine. 
               Tyres squeal as
 
               Newman regains control.

               
                             NEWMAN
               What the hell was that?

               
               The truck is travelling along with the sewing machine caught 
               on the front axle.
 
               As it scrapes along the road, it leaves a huge trail of sparks 
               behind.
 
               
               (Arthur Berkhardt Expressway)

               
               Kramer rights the empty drum and does a double-take as he notices 
               the warning
 
               labels on the side - 'Paint Thinner' 'Highly Flammable'.

               
                             KRAMER
               Double bugger!

               
               (Newman's Truck)

               
               Newman still singing, although the grinding sound of the sewing 
               machine is
 
               almost drowning out his voice. The sewing machine is still producing 
               a shower of
 
               sparks under the truck.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (sings) Yes, you're once. Twice. Three 
               times...
 
               
               Suddenly, the truck clearly reaches the pool of thinner and the 
               sparks ignite
 
               it. Flames shoot up around the truck, and are reflected in the 
               windows. Newman
 
               begins screaming and yelling in the midst of the inferno.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Aaah! Aaagh! Aah-aah. Oh, oh the humanity! 
               Aaagh!
 
               
               (Arthur Berkhardt Expressway)

               
               Kramer finally manages to get the drum back into his boot and 
               slams the lid
 
               down. Then he sees Newman staggering along the road. Newman is 
               walking stiffly,
 
               and is singed all over, with blackened patches on his hair and 
               clothing. He's
 
               staring ahead, clearly in such a state of shock that he's uncomprehending 
               of his
 
               surroundings.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey buddy. What're you doing out here?
 
               
               
               Newman continues to walk, oblivious of Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Man, did you see that fireball? Woo-hoo-hoo, 
               hoo-hoo.
 
               
               Newman still doesn't respond. In the distance the sound of sirens 
               can be heard.
 
               Kramer hears them, looks worried, and moves toward the car.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I gotta skedaddle. You wanna lift?
 
               
               
               Kramer has the driver's door open and is impatient to be off. 
               The sirens
 
               continue.

               
                             KRAMER
               Newman! Newman!!

               
               Kramer gets in the car and leans out of the window to call to 
               Newman.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
 
               
               
               He starts the car, and leaves with a squeal of protesting tyres. 
               Newman
 
               continues his walk.

               
               As the Castle Rock logo comes up, Newman can be heard screaming 
               'Aargh!'.
 
               
               
                             THE END





The Pothole



Writers :   Steve O'Donnell  Dan O'Keefe
Genres :   Comedy


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