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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                        THE PUERTO RICAN DAY



                             Written by

            Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Jennifer Crittenden,

            Spike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Steve Koren,

          David Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin




 
               
               
               INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

               
               The gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine 
               and Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, and Jerry behind 
               the wheel.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Man, I'm starving.

               
                             ELAINE
               How can you be hungry after what you 
               ate at that Mets game?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Because ballpark food doesn't count 
               as real food.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Right. It's just an activity. It's like 
               that paddle with the ball and the rubber 
               band.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made 
               a fortune off of those. See he came 
               up with the idea for the rubber band. 
               Before that, people would just hit the 
               ball, and it would fly away.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe you all made me leave 
               before the end of the game.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. 
               We were getting shellacked.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Those nachos are killing me.

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought you were hungry.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's complicated.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss 
               the exit.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Keep your shirt on. I got it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Watch out for that maroon Golf.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, boy.

               
                             JERRY
               Look at this guy. He's trying to box 
               me out.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, 
               wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, 
               no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, 
               now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh...
 
               
               Jerry swerves into another lane. Lamar, the driver of the maroon 
               Golf honks the horn.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks 
               I cut him off. He accelerated.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You want me to moon him? Ooh, let's 
               moon him. Roll up your window. Let's 
               do a pressed ham under glass.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

               
                             KRAMER
               Look at this, look at this. He's giving 
               us the finger.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, all right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               Elaine and Kramer get up to moon Lamar.

               
               INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

               
                             GEORGE
               So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah. What's that called?

               
                             GEORGE
               Blimp: The Hindenburg Story.

               
                             JERRY
               How was it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I found it morose. Why dwell on these 
               negative themes?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. They should make a movie about 
               all the Hindenburg flights that made 
               it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway, right in the middle, the ship 
               blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- 
               and then just as this eerie silence 
               settles over the airfield, I yelled 
               out, "That's gotta hurt!"
 
               
                             JERRY
               Heh.

               
                             GEORGE
               The place went nuts.

               
                             JERRY
               Imagine the laugh you could have gotten 
               if you'd yelled that out at the actual 
               disaster.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Why are we slowing down?

               
               Music plays in the background.

               
                             JERRY
               What is that music?

               
                             GEORGE
               What's with all these flags?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no.

               
                             ELAINE AND JERRY
               It's the Puerto Rican Day parade!

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. 
               They never let anyone through.
 
               
               We're never getting home.

               
               Kramer stands up on the back seat.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. 
               mucho trafico.
 
               
               
               
                             STOCK FOOTAGE
               Puerto Rican Day parade.

               
               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               
               Kramer runs along the sidewalk and hops into the back seat of 
               a black Saab.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah...uhh...well, the streets are all 
               blocked. I think every Puerto Rican 
               in the world is out here.
 
               
               There is a Puerto Rican family in the car.

               
                             PUERTO RICAN MAN
               Well, it is our day.

               
                             KRAMER
               Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry.

               
               Kramer hops out.

               
               INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

               
               Still sitting stopped in traffic are Elaine, Jerry, and George. 
               They are listening to the radio.
 
               
                             RADIO
               And the Mets score two in the eighth 
               inning.
 
               
                             JERRY
               See? If we had stayed, we could have 
               seen those runs.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I could have had some ice cream. I think 
               that might have calmed down the nachos.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, 
               I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part 
               of my Sunday weekend wind-down.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know how you can unwind with 
               that clock ticking. It makes me anxious.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. 
               I think we can get out over there.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But that's a one-way street coming this 
               way. Besides, how am I gonna get all 
               the way over there?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Just inch over. You worm your way.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Just do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. 
               I'm gonna throw up.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, you should make yourself throw 
               up.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               You know you're going to.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, I'm worming.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal 
               is of this thing? None other than Miss 
               Chita Rivera.
 
               
                             JERRY
               They're not letting me in.

               
                             GEORGE
               My hand is out.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I think we're gonna need more 
               than a hand. They have to see a human 
               face.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You sure you want his face?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no. It was María Conchita Alonso.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use 
               it all the time.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Look at me! I am man! I am you!

               
               The man in the other car looks over at George. Elaine, sitting 
               behind George, aids in the cause by pleading to the man by mouthing 
               the words, "Hi, can we go in?"
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, he's letting you in. Thank 
               you! Creep.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               One more lane to go.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right! We're here!

               
               Just as Jerry is about to enter the one-way street, Lamar and 
               his maroon Golf cut him off.
 
               
                             LAMAR
               Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black 
               Saab.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maroon Golf.

               
                             LAMAR
               Where you goin', black Saab? You seem 
               to be a tad askew.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Could you move your car back a little?
 
               
               
                             LAMAR
               Oh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               All right, I think I know where this 
               is going, and I am going somewhere else.
 
               
               
               Elaine pushes George's seat forward slamming his head onto the 
               dashboard. She gets out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You can't do that. You can't just leave 
               the group.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I've been trying to leave this group 
               for 10 years. Vaya con dios.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               ¿Con dios? Well, that's rude.

               
                             JERRY
               Can you believe her?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I'll see you later.

               
                             JERRY
               Where are you going?

               
                             GEORGE
               The movies. Blimp is playing right there.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're going to that again? Why? Just 
               to do that stupid line?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's a performance, Jerry. Like what 
               you do.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's not what I do.

               
                             GEORGE
               Isn't it?

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it 
               is.
 
               
               George leaves.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't 
               worked a room that big in a while.
 
               
               
                             STOCK FOOTAGE
               Taxis stuck in traffic.

               
               INT. TAXI CAB - DAY

               
               Elaine sits in the back.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when 
               their ears get flipped inside out like 
               that. Why doesn't he fix it?
 
               
               She moves so she can yell out the driver's open window.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!

               
               She leans back.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ooh! This isn't moving! I could walk 
               faster than this.
 
               
                             CAB DRIVER
               No, you can't.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, I can. Here. I'm outta here.

               
               She pays her fare and gets out.

               
               EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

               
               She starts to walk. The cab starts to move.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew 
               it. Hey! Hey!
 
               
               The cab stops and she gets back in.

               
               INT. TAXI CAB - CONTINUOUS

               
                             CAB DRIVER
               Where to?

               
                             ELAINE
               That's cute. That's really cute. Oh! 
               Come on! All right. Bye again.
 
               
               She pays and gets out again.

               
               EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

               
               Again, the cab starts moving when she gets out.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. Taxi! Taxi!

               
               She starts to run after the taxi which starts to move faster.
 
               
               
               INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

               
               George sits down next to two attractive women.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ladies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before.
 
               
               
                             LADY 1
               What is that dot?

               
                             LADY 2
               Oh, I think someone has one of those 
               funny laser pointers.
 
               
               A red laser moves around the movie screen. Everyone laughs as 
               the dot rests on the breasts of the movie actress.
 
               
               INT. MOVIE LOBBY - DAY

               
               The laser pointer guy uses his laser to point at a box of Skittles 
               and RC Cola.
 
               
                             LASER GUY
               Gimme a box of those and one of those.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, are you the guy with that 
               funny laser?
 
               
                             LASER GUY
               The laser's not funny. I'm funny.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this 
               little zinger of my own I wanted to 
               try.
 
               
                             LASER GUY
               Uh-huh.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's right in the explosion scene. So 
               if you could just...leave me a little 
               window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had 
               a thing removed with a laser. All right, 
               I don't want to interrupt your meal, 
               so...
 
               
               INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

               
               Kramer and Jerry sit listening to the radio.

               
               RADIO What a comeback for the New York Mets-- 6 runs in the bottom 
               of the ninth.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't 
               for this guy, we could get out of here.
 
               
               
                             LAMAR
               This traffic's a killer, ain't it?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You want to get outta here? Here's what 
               we do. We leave the car here, we take 
               the plates off, we scratch the serial 
               number off the engine block, and we 
               walk away.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Walk away?

               
                             KRAMER
               You've got insurance. You tell them 
               that the car was stolen, and then you 
               get another one free.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Isn't there a deductible?

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, what is your deductible?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, because they've already deducted 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               From what?

               
                             KRAMER
               The car, which we're leaving. So the 
               net is zero. See you pocket the money, 
               if there is any, and you get a new car.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               We're not leaving the car!

               
                             KRAMER
               All right. If you refuse to grow up 
               and scam your insurance company, you'll 
               have to work this out with maroon Golf.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Absolutely not. He sped up.

               
                             RADIO
               Swung on, line hard toward left center 
               field. That's in the gap, that's a base 
               hit.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm ready to talk.

               
               
               
               INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

               
               George and the ladies are sitting in their seats.

               
                             LADY 1
               Hey! There's that laser guy again.
 
               
               
                             LADY 2
               He's funny. I never meet anyone funny.
 
               
               
                             LADY 1
               I know. A sense of humor is so much 
               more important to me than looks or hair.
 
               
               
                             LADY 2
               Mmm, yeah.

               
               There's an explosion on the screen. The laser moves around the 
               screen and everyone laughs.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's gotta hurt!

               
               Everyone stops laughing.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh!
 
               
               
               George stands up.

               
                             GEORGE
               Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab 
               it all with your lowbrow laser shtick! 
               You're just a prop comic! Where's the 
               craft?!
 
               
               
               
               The laser guy points the laser at George's head.

               
                             LADY 1
               Look! It's on the bald guy.

               
                             LADY 2
               I am so glad we came to this showing.
 
               
               
               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               
               Kramer is talking to Lamar while Jerry waits in his car. Kramer 
               walks to Jerry.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to 
               acknowledge that you cut him off with 
               an "I am sorry" wave.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's that?

               
                             KRAMER
               You raise the hand, lower the head-- 
               "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are 
               really big on the car. I don't understand 
               it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" 
               You get my drift.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ok!

               
               Jerry puts both hands up over his head and does the "I'm Sorry" 
               wave.
 
               
               
               
                             LAMAR
               Hallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll 
               take it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a 
               little bit so we can get out now.
 
               
               
               Kramer gets in the car. George shows up and climbs into the back 
               seat.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right. At last, we're finally gettin' 
               out of here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's that on your forehead?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's probably chocolate.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, is that one of those laser pointers?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's 
               a George laserium!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, stop it! Stay away from my 
               breasts! Chest!
 
               
                             JERRY
               See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the 
               way, that was an "I'm not sorry" wave.
 
               
               
                             LAMAR
               What was that?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm glad I cut you off, because black 
               Saab rules! So long, jackass!
 
               
               As Jerry pulls into the one way street, a taxi comes down the 
               street and blocks him in. In the taxi is Elaine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine?!

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry?!

               
                             LAMAR
               Jackass? So I'm a jackass now?

               
               EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING

               
               INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

               
               The apartment is empty.

               
               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               
               Jerry stands in front of the one way street yelling at the cars.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So if everyone would just put their 
               cars in reverse at the same time, we 
               can do this. All right, on the count 
               of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, 
               amigo, are you paying attention?
 
               
                             PUERTO RICAN MAN
               Buenos dias, my friend.

               
                             JERRY
               Not you! The guy in the Amigo.

               
               
               
               INT. TAXI CAB - DAY

               
               Elaine sits frustrated in the cab.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, well, uh, here--here is good.

               
                             TAXI DRIVER
               Oh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be 
               stuck here. But you knew the way to 
               go! You went to college!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety 
               school! So don't talk to me about hardship.
 
               
               
               She pays the driver and gets out.

               
               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               
               Elaine walks up to Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, eh, can you believe this mess?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, why did you have the cab come 
               down the street?! We were almost out!
 
               
               
                             LAMAR
               So that was your girlfriend that blocked 
               you in. That's real good.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, 
               we used to date, but not anymore.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, he doesn't need-

               
                             LAMAR
               Used to date? So I guess you found out 
               he's a jackass.
 
               
                             JERRY
               'Cause that's what's gonna happen.
 
               
               
               Kramer and George walk along eating churros.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where 
               is this guy?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Don't look around. Don't look around. 
               That's what he wants.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               All right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, 
               I think there's a sniper lookin' to 
               pop ya.
 
               
               Elaine leaves.

               
                             GEORGE
               This thing can't hurt me, can it? I 
               mean, it is a laser. What if it hits 
               my eye?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't be blind, Jerry The blind are 
               courageous.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You'll be fine as long as it doesn't 
               hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then 
               the whole ball will go up like the Death 
               Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom.
 
               
               
               Kramer leaves.

               
                             JERRY
               Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right 
               between your eyes.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, my god.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, there's the soda guy.

               
                             LAMAR
               Hey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right!

               
               George stands petrified.

               
               EXT. BARRICADE - DAY

               
               A police barricade set up on the parade route prevents a crowd 
               of people from crossing. Elaine pushes her way through the crowd.
 
               
               
                             OLDER MAN
               Hey, hey, hey!

               
                             OLDER WOMAN
               Wha--ow!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, this is nuts! I can't get across 
               anywhere!
 
               
                             OLDER MAN
               Well, none of us can! We're trapped!
 
               
               
                             OLDER WOMAN
               Ow!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think 
               we can get out through here.
 
               
               Elaine picks up a nylon flap that covers the sides of some bleachers.
 
               
               
                             OLDER MAN
               Oh, I don't know if that's such a good 
               idea.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Look! No one knows how long this parade 
               is gonna last! They are a very festive 
               people. All I know is that it's Sunday 
               night, and I have got to unwind! Now 
               who's with me?!
 
               
                             OLDER WOMAN
               Father?

               
                             PRIEST
               None of us saw the nylon flap. That 
               might mean something.
 
               
                             PREGNANT WOMAN
               Oh, all right, all right!

               
               People start going under the bleachers.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. 
               Let's go.
 
               
                             BUSINESS MAN
               But it's dark!

               
                             ELAINE
               Get in there!

               
               EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY

               
               Kramer looks for a bathroom. He sees a sign that reads, "Rest 
               rooms are for patrons only." There's another sign that reads 
               apartment for sale.
 
               
               INT. APARTMENT - DAY

               
               There's a knock at the door and the sales woman answers it. It's 
               Kramer.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment.
 
               
               
                             SALES WOMAN
               Yes! Come in, come in.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ok.

               
                             SALES WOMAN
               I'm Christine Nyhart.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Delicious to meet you.

               
                             SALES WOMAN
               Did the broker send you over?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, 
               H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist 
               and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. 
               And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place 
               where I can settle down with my, uh, 
               peculiar habits, and, uh, the women 
               that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) 
               Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?
 
               
                             SALES WOMAN
               The asking price is $1.5 million.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I spend that much on after shave. 
               Yes, I buy and sell men like myself 
               every day. Now, I assume that there's 
               a waterfall grotto?
 
               
                             SALES WOMAN
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               How about a bathroom?

               
                             SALES WOMAN
               It has 4.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, and where would the absolute nearest 
               one be?
 
               
                             SALES WOMAN
               Just down the hall.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, thank you.

               
               He saunters to the bathroom.

               
               INT. BLEACHERS - DAY

               
               Elaine leads everyone under the bleachers. Food falls from the 
               bleachers landing on them.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home 
               to your husband real soon.
 
               
                             PREGNANT WOMAN
               I'm not married.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I, for one, really respect that.
 
               
               
                             PREGNANT WOMAN
               Oh, thank you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey! Guess who's not married.

               
                             OLDER MAN
               Is the boyfriend still in the picture?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Come on, father, you can make it.

               
                             PRIEST
               No, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go 
               on without me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No! I won't!

               
                             PRIEST
               Leave me! you must.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right. Take it easy.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right, we can move faster without 
               father o'gimpy.
 
               
                             PRIEST
               I heard that!

               
               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               
               Jerry stands next to his car with a drink.

               
                             LAMAR
               You know, I don't think I've ever seen 
               a man driving a Saab convertible. Still 
               haven't.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ho ho!

               
               
               
               George returns wearing mirrored sunglasses.

               
                             JERRY
               What seems to be the problem, officer?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They're for protection, Jerry. Can you 
               tell where I'm lookin'?
 
               
                             JERRY
               At me?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. It's back.

               
                             GEORGE
               Bring it on, baby

               
                             JERRY
               What if it gets in the side?

               
                             GEORGE
               The side?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and 
               forth between your cornea and the mirror, 
               faster and faster, getting more and 
               more intense, until finally-
 
               
               George rips off his glasses.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right!

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. It's in your eye now.

               
               George runs off screaming. Kramer runs up to Jerry with a Puerto 
               Rican flag draped around him.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican 
               day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, 
               spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, 
               Jerry!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, the Mets have got men on base!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You were watchin'? Where?

               
               
               
               INT. APARTMENT - DAY

               
               Jerry sits in the apartment watching TV.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, that was a strike! Did you see that?!
 
               
               
                             SALES WOMAN
               Would you like to see the rest of the 
               apartment, Mister, um--
 
               
                             JERRY
               Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, 
               this room intrigues me. Why is it called 
               the TV room?
 
               
                             SALES WOMAN
               Well, it's--

               
                             JERRY
               Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have 
               any snacks?
 
               
                             SALES WOMAN
               Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, 
               I should tell you I've also had some 
               interest from a wealthy industrialist.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Not Pennypacker!

               
                             SALES WOMAN
               You know him?

               
                             JERRY
               I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, 
               for an all-out bidding war. But this 
               time, advantage Varnsen!
 
               
               INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY

               
               George and Kramer sit in the car. George looks in the rear view 
               mirror.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a second. I think I see where that 
               laser guy is. No! Don't look! Don't 
               look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm 
               gonna sneak up on him. Now the hunted 
               becomes the hunter.
 
               
               George exits the car.

               
               INT. BLEACHERS - DAY

               
               Elaine and the group reach the end of the bleachers.

               
                             ELAINE
               We should be able to get across right 
               through here!
 
               
               She lifts the nylon flap to find a brick wall.

               
                             OLDER WOMAN
               It's a dead end!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no! I thought--

               
                             BUSINESS MAN
               You thought?! We're gonna die in the 
               dark! I knew it! I knew it! We're gonna 
               die!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Get a hold of yourself!

               
               Elaine slaps the man. He shoves her, she shoves back. They grab 
               each other and kiss.
 
               
               
               
                             PREGNANT WOMAN
               Oh, come on!

               
               OLDER WOMAN Oooh!

               
                             ELAINE
               Sorry. Somebody...help us!

               
               EXT. BLEACHERS - DAY

               
               Lots of people sit on the bleachers. A cop stands guard.

               
                             MAN
               !Mira! !Mira! Stacy Keach!

               
                             ELAINE
               We're down here! Help!

               
                             MAN
               There's people down there! Hold on!
 
               
               
               They lift the floorboards to reveal Elaine and her group.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant 
               woman down here.
 
               
                             PREGNANT WOMAN
               Don't judge me!

               
                             ELAINE
               Help us up so we can cross the street?
 
               
               
                             POLICE OFFICER
               Nah, nah, You can't cross here. There's 
               a parade.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               But we've come so far. We just want 
               to unwind.
 
               
                             POLICE OFFICER
               Hey, what can I tell ya?

               
               They close the floor boards.

               
               INT. BLEACHERS - DAY

               
                             BUSINESS MAN
               Wanna make out some more?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, god! Let us out!

               
               EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY

               
               George hides behind a van and sees a man with a pen. He sneaks 
               up and grabs the pen and destroys it. He ends up with ink all 
               over his hands.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That wasn't a laser pen.

               
                             DELIVERY MAN
               No. It's just a pen.

               
               The delivery man laughs.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, that's funny

               
                             DELIVERY MAN
               No. You have, like, a dot on your face. 
               Whoever's doing that is very clever.
 
               
               
               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               
               Kramer lights a cigar with a sparkler.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, man. You need to lighten up. 
               You know, a feeling like this only happens 
               once a year.
 
               
               He tosses the sparkler into the back seat of Jerry's car where 
               it lands on the Puerto Rican flag.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto 
               Rico.
 
               
               Lamar starts to laugh as he sees the smoke rise.

               
                             KRAMER
               See, now you're getting the spirit of 
               it, huh?
 
               
               
               
               Kramer smells the smoke, turns, and sees the fire.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh! !Dios mio!

               
               He grabs the flag, throws it onto the sidewalk and stops on it.
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto 
               Rican flag!
 
               
                             BOB
               Who! Who is burning the flag?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no.

               
                             BOB
               Him?!

               
                             CEDRIC
               That's not very nice.

               
                             KRAMER
               It was an accident.

               
                             BOB
               Do you know what day this is? Because 
               I know what day this is, they know what 
               day this is, so I was wondering if you 
               know what day this is!
 
               
                             CEDRIC
               Because it's Puerto Rican day.

               
                             BOB
               Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp 
               the flag! What do you think of that?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Now look, I just have one thing to say 
               to you boys. Mama!
 
               
               Kramer runs off screaming. The others give chase.

               
               INT. APARTMENT - DAY

               
               The sales woman lets George in.

               
                             SALES WOMAN
               Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! 
               My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I 
               wonder if I could see the bathrooms. 
               Preferably one with some paint thinner 
               and, uh, some rags?
 
               
                             SALES WOMAN
               It's down the hall.

               
               George walks to the bathroom, but stops when he sees Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hello...

               
                             GEORGE
               Art.

               
                             JERRY
               Mr. Vandelay, of course.

               
                             SALES WOMAN
               You two know each other?

               
               Kramer bursts through the door.

               
                             SALES WOMAN
               Mr. Pennypacker!

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop 
               by and make sure that my shark tank 
               fits-- uh, hello.
 
               
                             SALES WOMAN
               Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, 
               And you know Mr. Varnsen
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, Varnsen.

               
                             JERRY
               Pennypacker.

               
                             KRAMER
               Vandelay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Pennypacker. Varnsen.

               
                             JERRY
               Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, 
               if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is 
               also here, then who's watching the factory?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               The factory?

               
                             JERRY
               The Saab factory?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, that's in Sweden.

               
               George turns on the TV as Jerry runs to the window just in time 
               to see a mob attacking his car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               My car!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, it's like this every 
               day in Puerto Rico.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, the Mets lost.

               
                             JERRY
               I love a parade!

               
               EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT

               
               Jerry's car is stuck in a stairwell outside a building. Kramer, 
               George, and Jerry admire the mob's handiwork.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How do you suppose they did that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well...there's no logical explanation. 
               All right. Well, shall we go home?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what about my car?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.
 
               
               
               Elaine approaches the group. She is totally disheveled with popcorn 
               in her hair and her clothing stained.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, there's Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you look, uh...relaxed.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, it is Sunday night, and you know 
               how I like to unwind.
 
               
               Lamar drives up in his maroon Golf.

               
                             LAMAR
               Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building 
               cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around!
 
               
               
               He drives off.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, at least he didn't-

               
                             LAMAR
               Jackass!

               
               Jerry sets his car alarm.

               
                             JERRY
               Somebody remember where we parked.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               This was a fun day. It's nice to get 
               out.
 
               
               The foursome walk off as a laser lights up George's rear end.
 
               
               
               
               
                            THE END





The Puerto Rican Day



Writers :   Alec Berg  Jeff Schaffer  Jennifer Crittenden  
Genres :   Comedy


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