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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                        THE RAINCOATS PART 1



                             Written by

        Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I really feel as human beings, we need 
               more training in our basic social skills. 
               Conversational Distance, don't you hate 
               these people that talk to you they talk 
               into your mouth like you're a clown 
               at a drive-through and Hand shakes is 
               the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines 
               for hand shakes you know these people? 
               Too long, too weak, sometimes they give 
               you the three-quarter handshake just 
               the fingers, early release, late release, 
               sometimes people will dispute your release, 
               you let go there're hangin' on. I have 
               actually said to people 'Hey the handshake 
               is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in 
               too high, too sweaty, coming from too 
               far away. Sometimes a guy will give 
               you a strong grip, late release, and 
               pull you in for the too close conversation. 
               To him I say 'That's three strikes you're 
               out.'
 
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (George and Jerry at the usual booth)

               
                             JERRY
               You know their timing couldn't be worse.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Is there ever a good time to have your 
               parents stay with you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You don't understand, I haven't been 
               together with Rachel for like three 
               weeks. First I was on the road, then 
               my parents show up, I'm getting a little 
               uh backed up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               When are they leaving for Paris?

               
                             JERRY
               Not for another three days.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about her place?

               
                             JERRY
               She lives with her parents.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe 
               this will become like a cool thing, 
               living with your parents.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (sarcastically)Ya, then maybe baldness 
               will catch on. This will all be turning 
               your way.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey believe me, baldness will catch 
               on. When the aliens come, who do you 
               think they're gonna relate to? Who do 
               you think is going to be the first ones 
               getting a tour of the ship?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The baldies

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey by the way my parents really want 
               to have your parents over dinner before 
               they leave town.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's good, then I get the apartment 
               for at least one night. You know I'm 
               paying for this whole Paris trip it's 
               their anniversary present.
 
               
               (Alec and Joey enter)

               
                             ALEC
               (walking over to Jerry and George's 
               table) Hey guys.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey Alec

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Alec

               
                             ALEC
               This is Joey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey Joey, how you doin'?

               
                             ALEC
               (Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, 
               I was wondering if either one of you 
               guys would be interested in doing some 
               work for the Big Brother program? I'm 
               kinda running the local chapter. What 
               do you say George?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well uh....

               
                             JOEY
               (interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be 
               a big brother to someone like me? Please?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled.
 
               
               
                             ALEC
               That's great George, thanks a lot I'll 
               get in touch with you.
 
               
                             JOEY
               Wouldn't you like to be a big brother..
 
               
               
                             ALEC
               (grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright 
               Joey that's enough, let's go (walking 
               over to the counter) See ya.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             GEORGE
               What could I do? Did you see the mug 
               on that kid?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like 
               to pass the ketchup to someone like 
               me? Please?
 
               
               
               
               
               
               (Street)

               
               (Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey did you notice they moved where 
               they do the interview on Jeopardy now?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ya it used to be right in the middle 
               of single Jeopardy and now they do it 
               right after single Jeopardy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ya, it's much better isn't it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, n-no comparison.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore 
               to pick up my parents one of those French-English 
               dictionaries.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (stops Jerry realizing something) Hey 
               hey hey hey hey hey.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Your parents are going to Paris right?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yea?

               
                             GEORGE
               So I tell Alec that I have to goto Paris 
               for an undetermined amount of time. 
               Then all I have to do is buy some post 
               cards and have your parents mail them 
               from Paris.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What about little Joey?

               
                             GEORGE
               Who?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, I think he's probably better off.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George 
               are standing by them)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother 
               program. So when you get to Paris (handing 
               Morty the postcards) all you have to 
               do is drop 'em in any mailbox.
 
               
                             MORTY
               But there are no stamps on these.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well no not yet, you gotta buy french 
               stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you 
               of course.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Why are you doing this?

               
                             JERRY
               He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Because George is a deeply disturbed 
               individual.
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some 
               more of your hand lotion?
 
               
                             HELEN
               I told you it was good. (hands Kramer 
               the lotion)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (putting on the lotion) Ya

               
                             HELEN
               It's from the Sachs Fifth Avenue in 
               Miami.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs 
               it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm 
               ever in Florida.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue 
               here in New York City, you could get 
               some there.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ya

               
                             MORTY
               Say those are some nice pants. I got 
               a pair just like them at home.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya 
               i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used 
               clothing store. See when people like 
               you die, the widows they bring in their 
               wardrobes, they make a bundle.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? My father has a ton of old clothes 
               just sitting up in the attic, y-you 
               think they're worth something?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ya if they're vintage, and you're a 
               widow.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What happens if the husband dies after 
               the wife, who brings in the clothing 
               in then?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I suppose the children do.

               
                             GEORGE
               (pondering) Yes I suppose they do.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (takes another smell of his hands) Alright 
               I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody 
               later.
 
               
               (Kramer goes to turn the door nob and falls straight to the floor 
               slipping off the nob, then continues to try to open the door 
               with no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip 
               and then smiles and exits)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just 
               remembered uh my parents really wanna 
               have you guys over for dinner before 
               you leave town. What about tonight?
 
               
               
               (Morty and Helen look at each other)

               
                             HELEN
               Tonight?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yea they're making Payaya.

               
                             HELEN
               (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think 
               we think we can make it tonight, (turns 
               toward George) we have plans.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (watching the whole conversation from 
               his desk) What plans?
 
               
                             HELEN
               (turns to Jerry) We have plans.

               
                             JERRY
               Where'd you get plans?

               
                             HELEN
               (annoyed) We have plans.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well um, what about tomorrow night?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               (turns back toward George) Maybe

               
                             GEORGE
               Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (to George as he is about to leave) 
               Hey give 'em our best though.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (quietly) Ya.

               
                             JERRY
               (walking over toward George and the 
               door) I'll call you later.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ya.

               
               (George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry 
               makes sure the door is closed)
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what plans do you have?

               
                             MORTY
               None

               
                             JERRY
               So how come you're not going over there 
               for dinner?
 
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               We can't stand them.

               
                             JERRY
               Really? Since when?

               
                             HELEN
               Since always. We've never liked them.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             HELEN
               Well they're so loud, they're always 
               fighting it's uncomfortable, you never 
               notice?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No I notice but they're from your age 
               group I didn't know you could detect 
               abnormal behavior among your own kind.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Well we do.

               
               (Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it)

               
                             JERRY
               Ya?

               
               (Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom)

               
                             ELAINE
               It's us.

               
                             JERRY
               U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's 
               Elaine you don't have a problem with 
               her do you?
 
               
                             HELEN
               We adore Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               She wants to say hi, she's with her 
               new boyfriend.
 
               
                             HELEN
               What's he like?

               
                             JERRY
               He's nice, bit of a close talker.

               
                             HELEN
               A what?

               
                             JERRY
               You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea 
               you felt this way about the Costanzas'
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               They're exhausting it's like being in 
               an Asylum.
 
               
               (Elaine and Aaron enter)

               
                             EVERYONE
               Hi.

               
                             MORTY
               Hello Elaine

               
               (Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug)

               
                             ELAINE
               This is Aaron.

               
                             HELEN
               Hello Aaron

               
                             MORTY
               Hello.

               
                             AARON
               (getting up in Helen's face) So how 
               long you folks in town?
 
               
                             HELEN
               Oh, three more days, three more days 
               then we're off to Paris.
 
               
                             AARON
               Ah

               
                             MORTY
               We're going with a select charter group.
 
               
               
                             AARON
               I love France, (moving over to Morty's 
               face) I was just there last year. In 
               fact, you know I still have an envelope 
               full of French Franks, I'll give 'em 
               to ya.
 
               
                             HELEN
               We can't take money.

               
                             AARON
               Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward 
               Elaine) from us.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate 
               nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) 
               So listen has Jerry been showin' you 
               a good time?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No I haven't.

               
                             AARON
               You know (to Morty) I have a friend 
               who works at the Metropolitan Museum 
               of Art. How would you like a behind 
               the scenes tour?
 
               
                             HELEN
               (grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do 
               that?
 
               
                             AARON
               (up in Helen's face) Easily

               
                             HELEN
               I wouldn't be any trouble?

               
                             AARON
               (gets closer) Of course not.

               
                             HELEN
               When would we go?

               
                             AARON
               How about right now?

               
                             MORTY
               I'm ready

               
                             HELEN
               Are you sure?

               
                             AARON
               Yes.

               
                             HELEN
               Ok, let me get my coat.

               
               (Helen goes to get her coat)

               
                             AARON
               (walking over to Elaine and getting 
               into her face) Elaine what do you say?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I 
               have plans.
 
               
                             AARON
               Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How 
               about you Jerry?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm swamped.

               
                             AARON
               You sure? You could examine the art 
               work up close.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe I'll try and catch up with you.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (under her breath) Ya that'll happen)
 
               
               
                             AARON
               (Moving toward the door) Alright. We're 
               off.
 
               
               (Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door)

               
                             MORTY
               Ok, bye.

               
                             HELEN & AARON
               Bye.

               
                             JERRY
               Ok buh bye. Have a good time.

               
                             ELAINE
               Bye.

               
                             AARON
               See everybody later (Morty and Helen 
               leave; Aaron closes the door blowing 
               Elaine a kiss)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ok.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why would he ask your parents to go 
               to a museum?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             ELAINE
               What is that?

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe he was just trying to be nice.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Have you ever heard of anyone doing 
               anything like this?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second, he just did me a big 
               favor.
 
               
               (Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               (dialing) He got em out of the house.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Call Rachel.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
                             JERRY
               (on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. 
               Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place 
               to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where 
               are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone 
               very disappointed)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish 
               I could help you out.
 
               
               (Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust)

               
               
               
               
               
               (Costanza House)

               
                             FRANK
               They're not coming?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, they had plans.

               
                             ESTELLE
               How could they have plans?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's what I wanna know.

               
                             FRANK
               Well what difference does it make? They 
               wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear 
               friends.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               What am I supposed to do with all this 
               Paella?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They said tomorrow, maybe.

               
                             FRANK
               Maybe?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Maybe they don't like us.

               
                             FRANK
               Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the 
               Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? 
               What do you gotta use all the pepper 
               for?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Ah keep quiet.

               
                             FRANK
               What are you trying to set my mouth 
               on fire?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know what the reason could be.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Morty, Helen and Aaron enter)

               
                             JERRY
               (disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi.

               
                             AARON
               Ah Jerry you would not believe the time 
               we had.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Aaron is quite the tour guide.

               
                             MORTY
               Jerry have you ever seen any of those 
               impressionist paintings?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh sure like Monet.

               
                             MORTY
               Don't you think he had to be uh near 
               sighted? I mean nobody would paint like 
               that if they could see. It's all out 
               of focus.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well he's from the impressionist school, 
               you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi 
               Dayday.
 
               
                             MORTY
               I say the guy was painting without his 
               glasses.
 
               
               (phone rings)

               
                             JERRY
               (answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya 
               uh no they're back.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry if you have something to do we 
               could just sit right here and read.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll 
               call you later, ok bye (hangs phone 
               up)
 
               
                             AARON
               Well I should be going.

               
                             HELEN
               Oh thanks again.

               
                             AARON & HELEN
               Buh bye.

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             AARON
               Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer 
               to close to his face Kramer walks back 
               into the fridge to avoid him and falls 
               to the ground) I've heard about you.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You must be Aaron, I've heard about 
               you.
 
               
                             AARON
               (Laughing) Well see you later.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             AARON
               (leaving) Bye

               
                             JERRY
               Bye

               
                             KRAMER
               So uh what are you guys doing for dinner?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               We have no plans.

               
                             MORTY
               (noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, 
               Helen do you see what he's wearing? 
               That's the Executive.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Now what is Executive?

               
                             JERRY
               The belt-less trench coat. My father 
               invented it.
 
               
                             MORTY
               I sure did. Raincoats were my business. 
               The Executive was a classic, these haven't 
               been made in twenty years.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Why would they? Nobody bought them then.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               He's wearing one.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               You don't say? You know I have boxes 
               of those sitting in my garage in Florida?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five 
               percent I-I'll take care of everything.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               You gotta deal.

               
               (Kramer and Morty shake hands)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yaaaa.

               
                             JERRY
               This is like the meeting of Smith and 
               Wesson.
 
               
                             MORTY
               I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key 
               to the garage. He can send them overnight 
               delivery.
 
               
                             HELEN
               You're gonna first start shipping boxes? 
               We're leaving for Paris in three days.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               He'll send them express.

               
                             HELEN
               You're crazy.

               
                             MORTY
               I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna 
               pay for this whole trip with these coats.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               N-na I'm paying for the trip.

               
                             MORTY
               So much the better.

               
               
               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but 
               uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two 
               days. I will send you a postcard when 
               I get there.
 
               
                             ALEC
               Paris huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about 
               Joey but it's jus..it's a great business 
               opportunity. I-I don't even know how 
               long I'm gonna be away for.
 
               
                             ALEC
               Where will you stay?

               
                             GEORGE
               An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel 
               Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be 
               getting a postcard uh in a few days 
               and again I'm sorry.
 
               
                             ALEC
               George, you have no idea how fantastic 
               this is.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Fantastic?

               
                             ALEC
               Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey 
               with his father who lives in Paris. 
               But he's afraid to fly alone, you know 
               he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to 
               take to you. (George smiling in surprise) 
               So it's a perfect solution.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How gee what a coincidence.

               
                             ALEC
               And you'll send me a postcard.

               
               
               
               
               
               (Elaine's Apartment)

               
               (Elaine and Aaron lying in bed)

               
                             AARON
               Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir. 
               I think she really connected to the 
               way he painted children.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mm hmm.

               
                             AARON
               And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy 
               is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced 
               Monet was near sighted. I kept telling 
               him
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Aaron

               
                             AARON
               Yes?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, let me ask you a question. How come 
               you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go 
               to the museum with you?
 
               
                             AARON
               Well, they were in from out of town, 
               I thought they would enjoy it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable 
               spending the whole day at the museum 
               with two complete strangers who were 
               more than twice your age?
 
               
                             AARON
               No, it was fun.

               
                             ELAINE
               You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld.
 
               
               
                             AARON
               Yea, they bought me a coke.

               
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing 
               next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So how'd you come up with the idea for 
               the belt-less trench coat?
 
               
                             MORTY
               I came home one night, and I tripped 
               over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling 
               points to himself and nods with cards 
               in his hands) So I took out my belt 
               just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse 
               of myself in the mirror.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               How serendipitous.

               
                             MORTY
               So that night I cut off the loops and 
               the Executive was born.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Mmm

               
                             JERRY
               He also came up with an idea for a brimless 
               rain-hat but that never materialized. 
               (to Morty) Alright come on let's play.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Did you call Jack Klompus yet?

               
                             MORTY
               I haven't been able to reach him. Hey 
               I'll call him right now.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah come on.

               
                             MORTY
               Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone)
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry have you seen Schindler's List?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No I haven't seen it yet.

               
                             HELEN
               Oh you have to go you have to

               
                             JERRY
               I'm going

               
                             HELEN
               You have to

               
                             JERRY
               Ok

               
                             MORTY
               (on the phone) Hello Jack.

               
               (Jack in Florida)

               
                             JACK
               Ya

               
                             MORTY
               It's Morty

               
                             JACK
               Who died?

               
                             MORTY
               Nobody died. Jack I want you to do me 
               a big favor. (Jerry holding up some 
               cards looking at his father) In my garage 
               there are a couple of boxes.
 
               
                             JACK
               What boxes?

               
                             MORTY
               I'm gonna explain what boxes.

               
                             JACK
               Alright how the hell do I know?

               
                             MORTY
               Anyway there are these three big boxes, 
               you can't miss them. I want you to ship 
               them here to New York for me.
 
               
                             JACK
               I thought you're going to Paris

               
                             MORTY
               I'm still going to Paris. I got a big 
               deal cooking here.
 
               
                             JACK
               What's in the boxes?

               
                             MORTY
               Raincoats.

               
                             JACK
               Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're 
               gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? 
               That's garbage.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I guarantee you Doris is not letting 
               him mail those boxes.
 
               
                             JACK
               When do you want these?

               
                             MORTY
               Send them tomorrow.

               
               
               
               
               
               (Costanza House)

               
               (George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast 
               all still in what they slept in)
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               You think they're coming tonight?

               
                             GEORGE
               I dunno they said maybe.

               
                             FRANK
               Of course they're coming, they're leaving 
               soon. If they don't come tonight they 
               might not see us.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Well they better come, I got all this 
               Paella.
 
               
                             FRANK
               I admire Morty and Helen going to France. 
               We should take a trip, maybe a cruise.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the 
               two of you.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Georgie what were you doing poking around 
               the attic last night?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I-I wasn't in the attic.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I heard noise.

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe it was a mouse.

               
                             FRANK
               (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! 
               We're moving!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             FRANK
               I will not tolerate infestation.

               
                             GEORGE
               You haven't even seen one.

               
                             FRANK
               Don't you understand the very thought, 
               the very idea, I'll never be comfortable 
               again.
 
               
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               All right Frank that's enough.

               
               (Frank sits back down)

               
               
               
               (Rudy's Antique Boutique)

               
               (Rudy is checking out the clothes)

               
                             GEORGE
               I guess I've been hanging on to them 
               for so long cuz i couldn't accept the 
               fact that Dad was really gone forever 
               (hugs a piece of clothing)
 
               
                             RUDY
               Uh huh.

               
                             GEORGE
               They will get a good home won't they?
 
               
               
                             RUDY
               Look I gotta be honest with you there's 
               nothing here too spectacular.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh I beg to differ. My father took great 
               pride in his appearance, he was a very 
               handsome man, a Casanova really.
 
               
                             RUDY
               I'll give you uh two-hundred dollars 
               for the three boxes.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Could you make it two-twenty-five that 
               was his hi-game in bowling.
 
               
                             RUDY
               Yea I'm in a good mood here.

               
                             GEORGE
               Thank you.

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, George what are you doing here?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, I'm just selling some of Dad's things, 
               (looking into Kramer's eyes) that's 
               what he would have wanted.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I gotcha (clicks)

               
                             GEORGE
               (leaving) That'll do.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh hey guess what. Morty Seinfeld and 
               I are going into business together, 
               selling raincoats.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey that's swell.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yea we worked it out all over dinner 
               last night.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Dinner? (grabs Kramer)

               
                             KRAMER
               Ya.

               
                             GEORGE
               You had dinner with the Seinfelds?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yea, last night.

               
                             GEORGE
               Was this something you had planned for 
               a while?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No it was a spur of the moment. Well 
               you know Morty likes to fly by the seat 
               of his vintage pants.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (hurriedly leaves Rudy's) They had plans, 
               They had plans!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oooo, boy I've never seen these before 
               (looking at the clothes George just 
               sold Rudy)
 
               
                             RUDY
               Well they just came in, part of my spring-time 
               cruise collection. Two for twenty-five 
               dollars.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh I'll take these.

               
                             RUDY
               All right

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, remember this raincoat that you 
               sold me?
 
               
                             RUDY
               Sure that's the Executive.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ya, you have any others?

               
                             RUDY
               I wish. They don't make 'em anymore.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Suppose I told you I had fifty in mint 
               condition, would you be interested?
 
               
               
                             RUDY
               Very interested

               
                             KRAMER
               Cuz they're coming in from Florida as 
               we speak.
 
               
                             RUDY
               Well bring 'em in.

               
                             KRAMER
               So you'll buy them?

               
                             RUDY
               I don't see what would possibly stop 
               me.
 
               
               (Out of one of the boxes George sold Rudy flies a couple of moths 
               as the scene ends)
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (George enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa 
               (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans 
               huh? They were busy. They were busy 
               with their (doing a little dance to 
               make the plans seem all that important) 
               big plans!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about?

               
                             GEORGE
               Mom and Pop Seinfeld

               
                             JERRY
               Look I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right I happen to know what they 
               did last night, they had dinner with 
               Kramer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh they were tired it was a last minute 
               thing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So what's the deal they don't want to 
               have dinner with my parents?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's right.

               
                             GEORGE
               Is there something wrong with my parents?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Absolutely

               
                             GEORGE
               Because my parents happen to be two 
               pretty wonderful people.
 
               
                             JERRY
               These the people you currently live 
               with?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh huh

               
                             GEORGE
               So are they coming tonight or not?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look I really don't know what they're 
               plans are.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, 
               very interesting if they don't show 
               up tonight. You know my mother made 
               all this Paella.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is that anyway?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a Spanish dish. It's a mélange 
               of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I-I'll tell 'em

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey could you do one other thing for 
               me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Name it.

               
                             GEORGE
               You think your parents would have any 
               objections to taking a little kid to 
               Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him 
               confused) It turns out that the kid's 
               father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is 
               that a coincidence? (Jerry smiles) Eh 
               you know Alec wants me to take him over 
               there so I figure as long as they're 
               going (claps)
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you thought as long as they're mailing 
               postcards, it wouldn't be too much to 
               ask my parents to drag a child who they've 
               never seen, through the streets of Paris?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (pause) All right if you think it's 
               too much they don't have to mail the 
               postcards.
 
               
               
               
               (Elaine's Office)

               
               (Elaine at her desk; Joanna standing near the door)

               
                             JOANNE
               So where's he taking you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well first we're going to a matinee, 
               I'm taking the afternoon off, we're 
               gonna go see "My Fair Lady" and they 
               we are gonna go to dinner. He knows 
               all these fantastic places.
 
               
                             JOANNE
               You are one lucky girl. (Elaine laughs 
               in happiness) Wish I could find a nice 
               guy. (Joanne goes to leave; Aaron enters) 
               Hi Aaron.
 
               
                             AARON
               (getting up in Aaron's face) Hey Joanne. 
               (turns to Elaine and goes over to her) 
               Hey
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (already out from behind her desk goes 
               to Aaron) Hi
 
               
               (Elaine and Aaron kiss)

               
               (Enter Helen)

               
                             HELEN
               Hello, Hello.

               
               (Enter Morty)

               
                             MORTY
               Hello Elaine

               
               (Morty gives Elaine a kiss; Elaine is in shock)

               
                             AARON
               I was able to finagle two more tickets 
               to "My Fair Lady" and I thought why 
               not ask Morty and Helen.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Great.

               
                             MORTY
               (looking around) This is some office. 
               What's the square footage?
 
               
                             HELEN
               You don't mind to you Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               Mind? Oh o-of course not.

               
                             AARON
               We can make a whole day of it.

               
                             MORTY
               This is some building, Harry Fleming 
               used to have an office here. There was 
               a deli on the first floor. You don't 
               get corned beef like that anymore. What 
               happened to that deli?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (somewhat annoyed) I really don't know 
               Mr. Seinfeld
 
               
               
               
               (Collection of Scenes with the music and singing from "My Fair 
               Lady" over them. First the matinée where we see (from left to 
               right) Helen, Morty, Elaine and Aaron. Morty opens a candy bar 
               takes a bite then offers it to Elaine then Aaron who takes it 
               as the scene changes to the Cafe 123. At the restaurant we see 
               (from left to right) Morty, Elaine, Helen and Aaron. Morty is 
               pointing at a painting while talking to Elaine then takes off 
               his glasses. Next George is seen getting ready to hop into a 
               cab when Morty, Elaine, Aaron and Helen ride by in a horse drawn 
               carriage (Handsome Cab) drinking champagne. George then smacks 
               the top of the cab in disgust)
 
               (song from "My Fair Lady") "I could have danced all night, I 
               could have danced all night, and still have begged for more. 
               I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've 
               never done before. I never know what made it so exciting, but 
               all at once my heart would fly"
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Jerry and Rachel making out on Jerry's couch)

               
                             JERRY
               (stopping them) We better not. (they 
               make out some more; then stop) T-They're 
               gonna be here any second.
 
               
                             RACHEL
               When are they leaving?

               
                             JERRY
               In two days.

               
                             RACHEL
               It's been soo long.

               
                             JERRY
               I know.

               
                             RACHEL
               Ok, it's only two more days.

               
               (They both run their hands through their hair)

               
                             JERRY
               Right, Thursday three o'clock.

               
                             MORTY
               (from outside the door; singing) I could 
               have danced all night (entering with 
               Helen) I could have danced all night 
               and still have
 
               
                             HELEN
               Ooh.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh Hi.

               
                             HELEN
               We didn't know you had company.

               
                             JERRY
               (tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is 
               Rachel.
 
               
                             RACHEL
               Hi.

               
                             HELEN & MORTY
               Hello Rachel.

               
                             HELEN
               Uh we'll come back another time.

               
                             JERRY
               What other time?

               
                             HELEN
               Whenever

               
                             JERRY
               Where you goin'?

               
                             MORTY
               Uh we'll drive around for a while.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You don't have a car.

               
                             MORTY
               We'll take a bus.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on stop.

               
                             HELEN
               No we don't mind

               
                             MORTY
               I'll get a book.

               
                             RACHEL
               No no it's ok, I was just leaving anyway.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               O-oh are you sure?

               
                             RACHEL
               Yea.

               
                             HELEN
               Cuz we don't wann..

               
                             JERRY
               (interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking 
               Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's 
               List later right?
 
               
                             RACHEL
               Definitely

               
                             JERRY
               Ok.Uh

               
                             RACHEL
               (going out the door) It's night meeting 
               you.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Nice meeting you.

               
                             JERRY
               Ok, see you later.

               
                             MORTY
               Boy that was some show.

               
                             JERRY
               What show?

               
                             MORTY
               "My Fair Lady"

               
                             JERRY
               When did you get tickets to see that?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that 
               sounds interesting.
 
               
                             MORTY
               We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             HELEN
               He looks better on TV.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh

               
               (Phone rings)

               
                             JERRY
               (answering phone) Hello?

               
               (Jack Klompus in Florida)

               
                             JACK
               Hello Jerry,

               
                             JERRY
               Yea.

               
                             JACK
               It's Jack Klompus.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh hi Jack.

               
                             JACK
               So when are you coming down to Florida 
               again?
 
               
                             JERRY
               As soon as is humanly possible.

               
                             JACK
               You know I still got that pen, the one 
               that writes upside down.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it.

               
                             JACK
               So uh where's your father?

               
                             JERRY
               Ya he's right here.

               
               (Jerry hands Morty the phone)

               
                             MORTY
               Yea

               
                             JACK
               Morty, listen I can't get into the garage.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               What do you mean?

               
                             JACK
               There is something wrong with the key. 
               The key doesn't work
 
               
                             MORTY
               You gotta jiggle it a little bit. I 
               jiggled it. I jiggled it for fifteen 
               minutes.
 
               
               (Doris enters the scene with Jack)

               
                             DORIS
               Tell him to come down here and get his 
               own packages. You have nothing better 
               to do then worry about his boxes.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               You gotta pull on the knob as you turn 
               it.
 
               
                             JACK
               Get the hell outta here with your knob.
 
               
               
                             DORIS
               What does he want from you?

               
                             MORTY
               My idiot son could open that garage 
               door.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What did I do?

               
                             MORTY
               Just do it first thing tomorrow. I need 
               it.
 
               
               (Jack is seen hanging up his phone)

               
                             MORTY
               They'll be here first thing Thursday 
               morning.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Thursday morning? You know we're leaving 
               at three o'clock.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three 
               o'clock.
 
               
                             HELEN
               How are you gonna get all this done 
               in time?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Don't worry about it.

               
                             JERRY
               (in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all 
               this done in time?
 
               
               
               
               (Costanza House)

               
               (George, Estelle and Frank all standing in the kitchen)

               
                             GEORGE
               They were drinking champagne in a buggy!
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               First Kramer, then Elaine?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yea

               
                             FRANK
               It's a slap in the face.

               
                             ESTELLE
               (with her arms out in wonder) What did 
               we ever do to them? (George puts his 
               arms out and imitates Estelle as she 
               moves her arms up and down as she speaks) 
               I want to know what we did them!
 
               
                             FRANK
               What are they too good for us? A raincoat 
               salesman, I could buy and sell 'em like 
               that.
 
               
               (Frank leaves the kitchen and moves into the living room)

               
                             ESTELLE
               The hell with them.

               
                             GEORGE
               (in the threshold between the living 
               room and the kitchen) The thing that 
               bothers me the most, is the lying.
 
               
               
               (George and Estelle move their way into the living room)

               
                             FRANK
               Let's forget about it. We're going on 
               a beautiful vacation. (sits down in 
               his chair)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (sitting down) Vacation?

               
                             FRANK
               You're mother and I are planning on 
               taking a cruise.
 
               
               (Estelle is already sitting next to George on the couch)

               
                             GEORGE
               (claps all happy) AH! (half hugs Estelle)
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               But I can't find any vacation clothes. 
               They were in the attic.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The attic? Y-you haven't wore any of 
               those clothes for years.
 
               
                             FRANK
               How can I go on a cruise with out my 
               cabana wear? I love those, those clothes. 
               (Looks down yells) AH! (jumps out of 
               his chair) A mouse! I saw a mouse! (takes 
               off into another room with glass doors 
               on it and shuts the door)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (picking up what Frank saw as a mouse) 
               It's the remote.
 
               
                             FRANK
               (looking from the room; you can see 
               him through the glass) Where the hell 
               are my clothes? I love those clothes.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Ally outside Rudy's)

               
               (Rudy has a gasoline bottle and is burning some clothes)

               
                             RUDY
               Lousy moth ridden crap.

               
               
               
               (Median Monologue)

               
               I-I-I'm not crazy about used clothes. I mean they call it vintage, 
               you know to take your mind off of what it really is 'nasty wear.' 
               Oh it's clean you know people wear underwear, ya well they don't 
               wear iron underwear and that's what it's gonna take to get me 
               in those clothes. I mean I'll move into an apartment after a 
               strange person moves out, why would I wanna move into somebody's 
               pants? There is no vintage underwear of course, but it's not 
               because the guy couldn't sell his underwear, it's because men 
               wear their underwear until it absolutely disintegrates. Men hang 
               on to underwear until, until each individual underwear molecule 
               is so strained it can barely retain the properties of a solid. 
               It actually becomes underwear vapor. W-we don't even throw it 
               out, we just open a window and it goes out like dandelion spoors. 
               That's how men throw out underwear we just go (blows on the mic) 
               and it's gone that it is jus.
 
               
               
               
                             
               Schindler's List)

               
               (Schindler's List is playing as Jerry and Rachel are making out. 
               Newman is then seen disgusted by this display)
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Jerry Enters; Morty and Helen are sitting at the table with 
               a map out)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             MORTY
               Hey, Jerry.

               
                             HELEN
               So how was the movie?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, really good, really good.

               
                             HELEN
               And didn't the three hours go by just 
               like that (snaps her fingers)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Like that (snaps his fingers)

               
                             MORTY
               What about the end, with the list?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ya that was some list.

               
                             HELEN
               What did you think about the black and 
               white?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (confused) The black and white.

               
                             MORTY
               The whole movie was in black and white.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yea, I didn't even realize.

               
                             MORTY
               You don't even think about it, there's 
               so much going on.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Rudy's Antique Boutique)

               
                             KRAMER
               So Klompus has the key, but the jerk 
               couldn't open it up. All you gotta do 
               it jiggle it (has is hand out jiggling) 
               jus get it in there (jiggling making 
               a bunch of noises) jigg jigg jiggle 
               reiggle
 
               
                             RUDY
               Look, I find this whole thing very uninteresting. 
               When you get the coats come in.
 
               
               KRAMER; Ya hey I'm on your side.

               
               (George enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey what again?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm trying to buy some of the clothes 
               back. (realizing something) Hey you 
               wanna come over for dinner tonight? 
               My mother made all this extra Paella.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Payaya, ya I'll be there.

               
                             GEORGE
               Apparently the Seinfelds' are too good 
               for us. I shouldn't say anything bad 
               about your uh your partner.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No no you know we're not partners. I 
               only get twenty-five percent.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Twenty-five percent? It was your idea.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yap I know.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're doing all the leg work.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's right

               
                             GEORGE
               He's ripping you off

               
                             KRAMER
               You're right he's ripping me off

               
                             GEORGE
               If anybody should be getting more it's 
               you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               He's ripping me off

               
                             GEORGE
               Well don't let him take advantage of 
               you like that.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               YAH! (exits)

               
                             RUDY
               (coming out of the back-room noticing 
               George) Oh it's you? You're the one 
               who sold me the moth ridden cabana crap.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Morty coming out of the bathroom)

               
                             MORTY
               You know I've been thinking, why is 
               Kramer getting twenty-five percent?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Well he told you about the place.

               
                             MORTY
               So what, why is that worth twenty-five 
               percent? It's a finders fee. You know 
               what a finders fee is?
 
               
                             HELEN
               You find something you get a fee.

               
                             MORTY
               Finder's fee is ten percent and no more.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Well it's too late now.

               
                             MORTY
               Those are my coats. I saved them, I 
               stored them, I've been waiting years 
               for this pay off.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Well you're not gonna say anything.
 
               
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               I've been thinking about something.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Ya so have I

               
                             KRAMER
               Ahh! I don't think the deal is fair.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               You don't think it's fair.

               
                             KRAMER
               No no, I found the place, I set the 
               whole thing up, I'm doing all the leg 
               work.
 
               
                             MORTY
               What leg work?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, there's leg work.

               
                             MORTY
               If anything you're getting too much.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Too much?!

               
                             MORTY
               That's right, they're my coats.

               
                             KRAMER
               Look I want thirty-five percent.

               
                             MORTY
               I'm thinking more like fifteen.

               
                             KRAMER
               No way I'm taking fifteen.

               
                             MORTY
               Well you're not getting thirty-five.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright let's compromise. Twenty-five 
               percent.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Ok it's a deal

               
               (They shack hands.)

               
               
               
               (Rudy's Antique Boutique)

               
                             RUDY
               Moths are a discourage to my business, 
               all it takes is one moth to lay eggs. 
               You know what happens to the larvae? 
               They hatch and they're everywhere.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sorry, umm he-here's your money 
               back (gives Rudy the money back) I-I-I'll 
               have the clothes.
 
               
                             RUDY
               (counting the money to make sure it's 
               all there) It's already put a dent in 
               my fumigation bill.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So uh where are the clothes?

               
                             RUDY
               I burned 'em.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh. That's good.

               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine sitting in the booth)

               
                             ELAINE
               N-I know they're your parents Jerry 
               an' they're very nice people. But don't 
               you think it's odd, that a thirty-five 
               year old man is going to these lengths 
               to see that someone else's parents are 
               enjoying themselves? I mean don't you 
               find that abnormal?
 
               
                             JERRY
               It is a tad askew.

               
                             ELAINE
               I mean they're your parents and you 
               don't do anything. So why is this stranger 
               doing it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I've hardly been out to dinner with 
               them.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               See, See, I can't even say anything 
               you know because all he's really doing 
               is being nice but but nobody is this 
               nice, this is like certifiably nice.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're right he's insane.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, he's insane, that's what I think.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what are you going to do?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know, I don't know what to do. 
               (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Uh from what I saw it was pretty good.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ya what do you mean from what you saw?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well I um I didn't ah actually get to 
               see the whole movie.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yea why not?

               
                             JERRY
               I was kind of um (pauses) making out.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (thinks for a second) You were making, 
               out during Schindler's List?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone 
               in a long time, it just got the better 
               of me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               During Schindler's List?

               
                             JERRY
               (trying to justify it) We're both living 
               with our parents.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Did anybody see you? Did anyone say 
               anything?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No I don't think so. I saw Newman as 
               I was leaving but see me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (A knock at the door prior to the reveal of Jerry's apartment; 
               Morty is sitting at the table Helen closes the refrigerator to 
               answer the door; Newman is revealed in his full Newman)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello Mrs. Seinfeld

               
                             HELEN
               (like Jerry) Hello, Newman. Jerry's 
               not here. (goes to shut the door on 
               him)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Uh ah (stops her from closing the door; 
               walks in) Having a nice trip? (walks 
               over, grabs a junior mint, smells it 
               then puts it in his pocket)
 
               
                             HELEN
               Wonderful, we went to the theater last 
               night.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Oh the theater. Because I was wondering.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Wondering what?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Why I didn't see you at Schindler's 
               List with Jerry.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Well we already saw it.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Oh, well it's a good thing for Jerry 
               that you didn't go.
 
               
                             MORTY
               (getting up from the table and coming 
               over) Why is that?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well he really seemed to have his hands 
               full if you know what I mean.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I'm afraid I don't.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Him and his little buxom friend Rachel 
               were going at it pretty good in the 
               balcony.
 
               
                             MORTY
               What?

               
                             NEWMAN
               What, do I have to spell it out for 
               ya? He was moving on her like the storm-troopers 
               into Poland.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry was necking during Schindler's 
               List?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Yes! A more offensive spectacle I cannot 
               recall. Anyway I just really came up 
               to get some detergent.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry sends his laundry out.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice 
               seeing you folks and a by the way you 
               didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs 
               down the hallway laughing)
 
               
               (Helen closes the door and looks at Morty in disgust)

               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment-Later that day)

               
               (Jerry enters; Morty is sitting on the couch writing, Helen is 
               in the bathroom)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on 
               the counter at which point his parents 
               are both right by him as he goes into 
               the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then 
               turns around to see his parents right 
               there) What? What did I do?
 
               
                             HELEN
               How could you?

               
                             JERRY
               How could I what?

               
                             HELEN
               You were making out during Schindler's 
               List?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What? No.

               
                             MORTY
               Don't lie Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               (turns) Newman.

               
                             HELEN
               How could you do such a thing?

               
                             JERRY
               I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone 
               together in a long time and we just 
               kinda started up a little during the 
               coming attractions and the next thing 
               we knew, the war was over.
 
               
               (Morty and Helen both sigh and turn to go back to what they were 
               doing; Phone rings)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (answering the phone) Hello.

               
               (Jack in Florida with a bandage on his right hand)

               
                             JACK
               Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.

               
                             JERRY
               Hang on a second. (handing Morty the 
               phone) Dad it's Klompus.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Hello

               
                             JACK
               Hello Morty, listen that key doesn't 
               work. It's no good.
 
               
                             MORTY
               You didn't get in?

               
                             JACK
               Oh I got in, I had to break the window 
               with a rock and then I got my hand all 
               cut up reaching in.
 
               
                             MORTY
               You broke the window?

               
                             HELEN
               He broke the window?

               
                             JACK
               You wanted those damn boxes didn't you?
 
               
               
                             DORIS
               (off camera) He should be on his hands 
               and knees thanking you.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Did you send them?

               
                             JACK
               Yea, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon, 
               two o'clock.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Tomorrow afternoon?

               
                             HELEN
               Tomorrow afternoon?

               
                             JERRY
               Tomorrow afternoon?

               
                             MORTY
               I told you to send them express.

               
                             JACK
               W-well it was ten dollars cheaper in 
               the afternoon than the morning, I figured 
               what the hell's the difference.
 
               
                             MORTY
               So what did you do about the window?
 
               
               
                             JACK
               I gotta fix your window now?

               
                             MORTY
               All right all right. Goodbye. (Morty 
               hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the 
               phone) I don't think we are gonna make 
               that flight.
 
               
                             JERRY
               W-what do you mean you're not making 
               the flight?
 
               
                             HELEN
               We have to make the flight, we're with 
               a charter group. If we don't the trip 
               is off.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Well what's the difference we'll go 
               some place else.
 
               
               (Jerry annoyed walks toward his room)

               
                             HELEN
               Some place else? What about Paris?
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               You don't understand, I've come this 
               far, I can't stop now.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I can't believe that you're doing all 
               this just to sell some stupid raincoats.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               You don't understand fashion is cyclical 
               this thing could come back.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I think you're out of your mind.

               
               
               
               (Costanza House)

               
                             FRANK
               I just don't understand how all those 
               clothes can disappear.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Moths?

               
                             FRANK
               Moths, ate three boxes?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well you know what happens with larvae 
               hatch, they-they're everywhere.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               You know, I was thinking today. I never 
               liked those Seinfelds anyway, he's an 
               idiot all together. (Knocking at the 
               door) Ah there's Kramer.
 
               
               (Estelle goes to answer the door)

               
                             KRAMER
               (from outside) Hello?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Hello

               
                             KRAMER
               (still outside) Helowwwowwow (Estelle 
               opens the door) Hey (kisses Estelle 
               hello) Ha ha, Good evening (George waves)
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Hope you're hungry. (goes into the kitchen)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ooo Paella

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey uh let me take you're coat.

               
                             KRAMER
               (giving George his coat) Oh ya thanks 
               buddy.
 
               
                             FRANK
               That shirt, where'd you get that shirt?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Wha?

               
                             FRANK
               That's my cabana shirt, you stole my 
               shirt you son of a bitch! (really fast) 
               George you let your friends go up in 
               my attic and steal my clothes? (grabbing 
               at the shirt) Gimme that back
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (trying to get away) woah

               
                             GEORGE
               Dad?!

               
                             KRAMER
               (laughs as Frank ends up tickling him; 
               gets away) I bought it from Rudy.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Rudy?! That skunk, I knew he didn't 
               burn those clothes.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Who's Rudy? What clothes?

               
                             GEORGE
               I sold your clothes yesterday.

               
                             FRANK
               You sold my clothes (smacks George on 
               the forehead) what do you mean you sold 
               my clothes?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't think you wore them anymore.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               It's cruise wear!

               
                             ESTELLE
               Kramer, I love that shirt.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yaya

               
                             FRANK
               THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MINE!!

               
                             ESTELLE
               You look just like Frank, on our honeymoon.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, well, thank you.

               
               (Estelle giggles)

               
                             FRANK
               Who's this Rudy?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well Rudy's the guy buying Morty's raincoats.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Mory Seinfeld? He's a bum.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, the whole deal going down tomorrow. 
               Morty's gonna miss his plane for it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Missing his plane? Wasn't that a charter 
               flight?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yea.

               
                             GEORGE
               What happens to charter tickets when 
               you don't use em?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I suppose they are wasted.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes I suppose they are.

               
                             FRANK
               Tomorrow I'm going straight down to 
               this Rudy and get my clothes.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               A mouse!

               
               (Frank starts making noises; Kramer and Frank both run to the 
               other room where they get stuff in between the door and wall; 
               Frank hits Kramer to get him in then closes the door)
 
               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (Jerry and George enter)

               
                             JERRY
               You want the tickets?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               You're gonna take this kid to Paris?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go 
               in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I 
               mail my own postcards.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know I'm paying for these tickets.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's alright, I got lunch.

               
               
               
               (Airport)

               
               (Kramer, Morty and Jerry standing at a luggage carousel)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you should have gone to the Costanzas' 
               for dinner. Mmm the Payaya was magnificent. 
               Have you ever had really good Paella?
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Not really.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. 
               The want and the festival, the sites, 
               sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right 
               carousel?
 
               
                             MORTY
               This is it.

               
                             KRAMER
               So how much are we gonna make?

               
                             MORTY
               Take it easy, I've been through a million 
               of these negotiations.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Wha two thousand? Three thousand?

               
                             MORTY
               That's giving it away. This is a one 
               of a kind item.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               More? More than three thousand?

               
                             MORTY
               Just watch me do my thing.

               
                             JERRY
               Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting 
               on the carousel next to an open box) 
               isn't that one of yours?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Look at this. Look at how this idiot 
               packed it. He didn't tape it, he just 
               flipped the flaps. (Kramer, Morty and 
               Jerry are looking around grabbing raincoats 
               which are scattered all over the place.) 
               Kramer you missed a couple.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to 
               Paris Charter Flight.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (turns around noticing the Charter flight) 
               Dad isn't that your charter group?
 
               
               
               (George and Joey enter the scene getting in line for the Charter 
               Flight)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Honesty, hard-work, these are the values 
               that I was raised on. The most important 
               thing Joey, is to be able to look yourself 
               in the mirror before you go to sleep 
               at night.
 
               
                             JOEY
               Hey! I got news for you four eyes, there's 
               no way you're staying with us in Paris.
 
               
               
               (Joey walks by George to board the plane and puts his Gum on 
               the wall.)
 
               
               
               
               (Rudy's Antique Boutique)

               
                             FRANK
               You burned them? Those clothes are not 
               yours to burn.
 
               
                             RUDY
               Who are you anyways?

               
                             FRANK
               I'm the father.

               
                             RUDY
               He said his father was dead.

               
                             FRANK
               He said I was dead?

               
                             RUDY
               That's right. Squeezed an extra twenty-five 
               dollars out of me.
 
               
                             FRANK
               That's what my life is worth to him? 
               Twenty-five dollars.
 
               
               (Kramer and Morty enter with a bunch of raincoats)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Frank!

               
                             FRANK
               Oh, I just want to you know I'm retracting 
               our dinner invitation.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Well you don't have to retract it because 
               we never went.
 
               
                             FRANK
               I'm retracting that it was ever offered.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               I retract your retraction.

               
                             FRANK
               Oh, you trying to unload some of that 
               junk of yours?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Would you excuse me please, we're conducting 
               business here.
 
               
                             RUDY
               You can keep your raincoats. I'm not 
               interested.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I thought we had a deal?

               
                             FRANK
               That's another one of my shirts!!

               
                             RUDY
               I'm not buying anymore clothes from 
               anyone off the street.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Who's off the street? I'm in the raincoat 
               business for thirty-five years.
 
               
                             RUDY
               Ya how do I know there aren't moths 
               like his stuff?
 
               
                             FRANK
               My clothes don't have moths!

               
                             MORTY
               Because of his moths you're not buying 
               my raincoats?
 
               
                             RUDY
               That's right.

               
                             KRAMER
               (laughing) I'm all ticklish. (a moth 
               flies out of his shirt; they all look 
               at it)
 
               
               
               
               (Airport)

               
               (Morty and Helen with a couple bags; Jerry, Elaine and Aaron 
               saying good-bye)
 
               
                             ANNOUNCEMENT
               Flight-433 now boarding for Miami, Gate 
               18a. Flight-433 now boarding.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Ok, let's go.

               
                             HELEN
               (to Aaron) It was so nice of you to 
               come to the airport to see us off.
 
               
               
                             AARON
               Are you sure you can't stay a little 
               longer?
 
               
                             ELAINE & JERRY
               NO.

               
                             MORTY
               Ah, good-bye.

               
               (Jerry hugs Morty; Helen and Elaine give each other a kiss)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Good-bye

               
                             JERRY
               Take care

               
                             MORTY
               Alright Jer.

               
               (Morty and Elaine hug; Jerry and Helen give each other a kiss)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Nice to see..

               
                             MORTY
               Buh bye Elaine

               
                             JERRY
               Buh bye.

               
                             HELEN
               Buh bye.

               
               (Aaron torn by emotion moves in and gives Morty and Helen a hug 
               a hug)
 
               
                             HELEN
               (looking at Jerry while being overly 
               hugged by Aaron) We'll call you when 
               we get home.
 
               
                             AARON
               Thank you.

               
                             JERRY
               I think she meant me, but.

               
                             MORTY
               Make sure Kramer uses good tape when 
               he sends back the raincoats.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ok.

               
               (Morty and Helen go to board the plane)

               
                             ELAINE
               Bye.

               
                             JERRY
               Bye.

               
               (Aaron begins to follow them)

               
                             ELAINE
               Aaron? Aaron are you ok?

               
                             AARON
               I could've done more. I could've done 
               so much more.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You did enough.

               
                             AARON
               (turning toward her) No, I could've 
               called the travel agency, got them on 
               another flight to Paris, I coulda got 
               them out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You tried Aaron, it was too expensive.
 
               
               
                             AARON
               (holds his arm up) This watch, this 
               watch could've paid for their whole 
               trip. (holds his other hand up) This 
               ring, this ring is one more dinner I 
               could've taken them out to. (Jerry and 
               Elaine look at each other like he's 
               crazy) Water, they need some water (turns 
               around and runs to the Flight Agent)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             AARON
               (to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated 
               on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some 
               water. Please! Please!
 
               
               (Jerry and Elaine continue to look at him funny)

               
               
               
               (Rachel's Parents' Place)

               
               (Jerry knocks on the door; Mr. Goldstein answers)

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?

               
                             MR. GOLDSTEIN
               I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be 
               able to see you tonight, or any other 
               night for that matter.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why what did I do?

               
                             MR. GOLDSTEIN
               (Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) 
               You know very well. I heard about your 
               behavior at the movies the other night 
               it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed 
               of yourself, I for one will not allow 
               my daughter to be involved with someone 
               of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately 
               my postman happened to have witnessed 
               the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, 
               I believe he lives in your building. 
               (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') 
               Now if you don't mind. (starts to close 
               the door)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Rachel!

               
                             MR. GOLDSTEIN
               (closing the door on Jerry) Good night!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Rachel!

               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine at the normal booth)

               
                             JERRY
               So my parents get home, they open the 
               door, my father flicks the light on, 
               the whole place is cleaned out, everything.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at 
               the table) Get Out! How did it happen?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The broken window, Klompus never fixed 
               it. They just walked right in.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yea they're taking one, the travel agent 
               is trying to set something else up for 
               them.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (sighs) So how about that Aaron?

               
                             JERRY
               Whew

               
                             ELAINE
               You know what drove me crazy about him? 
               Did you ever notice that he stood too 
               close to you when he talked?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No I hadn't noticed.

               
               (Newman enters and walks by the table; Jerry doesn't notice him 
               as he is getting something out of his coat pocket)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (at the counter) Pair of bear claws 
               please.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (hearing Newman turns and sees him) 
               Hiya Newman.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (moving away from the counter getting 
               closer to the door) Hello Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Say, I happened to catch you coming 
               out of Schindler's List the other night.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Ohh, were you there?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes I was.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful 
               film.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, shocking brutality don't you think?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               (couple quick breaths) Shocking.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, well that was nothing.

               
               (Newman makes a noise and takes off toward the door as Jerry 
               gets up)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (running out the door) Jerry! Jerry!
 
               
               
               (Jerry chases Newman right out the door)

               
               
               (Paris)

               
               (George is sitting at an outside eatery in France with Joey)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Where the hell is your father?!

               
               (George smiles and waves at a girl sitting at another table; 
               Joey puts some stuff on George's glasses)
 
               
               (Cruise ship out in the Ocean)

               
               (Estelle and Frank walking around on the boat)

               
                             ESTELLE
               This is the best thing we ever did.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               I just hope those exterminators know 
               what they're doing.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Ah forget about them let's just...
 
               
               
               (Frank and Estelle run into Morty and Helen)

               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal 
               distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna 
               be about six feet back don't you? Because people a little edgy 
               around that ATM don't they? They got their money out, their eyes 
               are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six 
               feet away is Urinals, you want some distance there too. ATMs 
               and Urinals, I guess whenever someone's taking valuable out of 
               their pants you want to give them as much room as possible.
 
               
               
               
                                THE END




The Raincoats Part 1



Writers :   Tom Gammill  Max Pross  Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld
Genres :   Comedy


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