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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE REVENGE



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
                             LEVITAN
               Remind me to tell you what we did in 
               Lake George. (laughing) Get
 
               
               this...I got it all on video. (laughing)

               
                             GEORGE
               That's it. This is it. I'm done. Through. 
               It's over. I'm gone.
 
               
               Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you.
 
               
               
               (laughing) You think you're an important man? Is that what you 
               think? You
 
               
               are a laughingstock. You are a joke. These people are laughing 
               at
 
               
               you. You're nothing! You have no brains, no ability, nothing! 
               (knocking
 
               
               object over on desk) I quit!

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Boy, I have really had it with Newman. 
               He wakes me up again last
 
               
               night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up 
               onto the
 
               
               roof to kill himself.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what'd you say?

               
                             KRAMER
               I said " Jump." Well, he's been threatening 
               to do this for years. I
 
               
               said " Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and 
               stop
 
               
               bothering me." At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing 
               something.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's his problem?

               
                             KRAMER
               No job. No women.

               
                             JERRY
               He called the right guy.

               
                             KRAMER
               What am I supposed to tell him? How 
               much there is for him to live
 
               
               for? Why should I lie to him?

               
                             JERRY
               All right, I'm leaving. I going to the 
               laundry.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why don't you use the machines down 
               in the basement?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Fluff and fold. The only way to live. 
               (snapping fingers in tune with
 
               
               words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight.

               
                             KRAMER
               How 'bout if I put a few things --
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a sec. I don't wanna do --

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you're going over there.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't wanna mix in everything! My 
               guys don't know your guys. You
 
               
               can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll 
               start a
 
               
               riot.

               
                             KRAMER
               Have you ever met my guys?

               
                             JERRY
               No. I can't say as I have.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well!

               
                             JERRY
               All right. Put 'em on top.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, beautiful. This stuff on top is 
               my friends'. Could I get it done
 
               
               in a separate machine?

               
                             VIC
               I'll have to charge you for another 
               machine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Whatever it costs. In fact, I would 
               prefer it if the machines are
 
               
               not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, 
               jump
 
               
               across.

               
                             GEORGE
               Guess what.

               
                             JERRY
               How did you know I was here?

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer. Guess what.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               I quit my job.

               
                             JERRY
               Get outta here.

               
                             GEORGE
               I couldn't take it anymore.

               
                             VIC
               You can have this on Monday.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened? Levitan?

               
                             GEORGE
               I go in to use his private bathroom, 
               everybody uses it, and then I
 
               
               get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the 
               hall.
 
               
               Well, (laughing) we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You and your toilets.

               
                             GEORGE
               I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, what are you gonna do now? Are you 
               gonna look for something else
 
               
               in real estate?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what are you gonna do?

               
                             GEORGE
               I like sports. I could do something 
               in sports.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, like the general manager of 
               a baseball team or something.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough 
               to get.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it doesn't even have to be the 
               general manager. Maybe I could
 
               
               be like, an announcer. Like a caller man. You know how I always 
               make
 
               
               those interesting comments during the game.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What about that?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, they tend to give those jobs to 
               ex-ballplayers and people that
 
               
               are, you know, in broadcasting.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, that's really not fair.

               
                             JERRY
               I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else 
               do ya like?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Movies. I like to watch movies.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Do they pay people to watch movies?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Projectionists.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's true.

               
                             JERRY
               But you gotta know how to work the projector.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Right.

               
                             JERRY
               And it's probably a union thing.

               
                             GEORGE
               (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. 
               Sports,...movies. What about a
 
               
               talk show host?

               
                             JERRY
               Talk show host. That's good.

               
                             GEORGE
               I think I'd be good at that. I talk 
               to people all the time. Someone
 
               
               even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get 
               that, though. Where do you
 
               
               start?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, that's where it gets tricky.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You can't just walk into a building 
               and say " I wanna be a talk
 
               
               show host."

               
                             JERRY
               I wouldn't think so.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's all politics.

               
                             JERRY
               All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk 
               show host. What else?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This could have been a huge mistake.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, it doesn't sound like you completely 
               thought this through.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (sighs) What should I do?

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe you can just go back.

               
                             GEORGE
               Go back?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Pretend like it never happened.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You mean just walk into the staff meeting 
               on Monday morning like it
 
               
               never happened?

               
                             JERRY
               Sure. You're an emotional person. People 
               don't take you seriously.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing 
               never happened.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Never happened.

               
                             GEORGE
               I was just blowin' off a little steam. 
               So what?
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what? You're entitled.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm emotional.

               
                             JERRY
               That's right. You're emotional.

               
                             GEORGE
               Never happened.

               
                             JERRY
               Never happened.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How ya doin'?

               
                             GLENDA
               What are you doing here?

               
                             GEORGE
               What? I work here.

               
                             GLENDA
               I thought you quit.

               
                             GEORGE
               What quit? (laughing) Who quit?

               
                             DAN
               Bill, how was your weekend?

               
                             BILL
               Oh, excellent weekend. What about your 
               weekend?
 
               
                             DAN
               Fine weekend.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Good weekend.

               
                             DAN
               Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing. 
               (laughing) Lisa was a
 
               
               little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor
 
               
               
               someday.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor.

               
                             LEVITAN
               Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon?
 
               
               
                             AVA
               I got a little tied up.

               
                             LEVITAN
               I'll bet you did.

               
               (laughter breaks out in boardroom)

               
                             LEVITAN
               I wanna remind everyone that the tenth 
               anniversary party for Rick
 
               
               Barr Properties is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at four o'clock 
               in
 
               
               Lasky's Bar, Madison 48th. I want all of you to be there. This 
               really
 
               
               means a lot to me. Is that Costanza over there? What are you 
               doing
 
               
               here?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             LEVITAN
               Am I crazy, or didn't you quit?

               
                             GEORGE
               When?

               
                             LEVITAN
               Friday.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, what? What? That? Are you kidding? 
               I didn't quit. What? You
 
               
               took that seriously?

               
                             LEVITAN
               You mean, laughingstock? All that stuff?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Come on. Will you stop it.

               
                             LEVITAN
               No brains? No ability?

               
                             GEORGE
               Teasing.

               
                             LEVITAN
               Okay. I want you outta here.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know where you're getting this 
               from. I....you're serious
 
               
               aren't you? Oh, (laughing) you see?

               
                             LEVITAN
               You can't win. You can't beat me. That's 
               why I'm here and you're
 
               
               there. Because I'm a winner. I'll always be a winner and you'll
 
               
               
               always be a loser.

               
                             GEORGE
               " I'll always be a winner and you'll 
               always be a loser." This is
 
               
               what he said to me.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, so that's that.

               
                             GEORGE
               No. That's not that.

               
                             JERRY
               That's not that?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, if that's not that, what is that?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I've got some plans. I got plans.

               
                             JERRY
               What kind of plans?

               
                             GEORGE
               What's the difference?

               
                             JERRY
               You don't wanna tell me?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm gonna slip him a mickey.

               
                             JERRY
               What? In his drink? Are you outta your 
               mind? What? Are you Peter
 
               
               Lorre?

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't understand. He's got this 
               big party coming up. He's been
 
               
               looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the 
               whole
 
               
               thing.

               
                             JERRY
               What if you destroy him?

               
                             GEORGE
               No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's 
               perfectly safe. I researched
 
               
               it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               This is what they would do in the movies! 
               It's a beautiful thing!
 
               
               It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey!

               
                             JERRY
               You've really gone mental.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nah.

               
                             JERRY
               Where are you gonna get this mickey? 
               I can't believe I'm saying
 
               
               "mickey"!

               
                             GEORGE
               I got a sauce.

               
                             JERRY
               You got a mickey sauce?

               
                             GEORGE
               And Elaine is gonna keep him busy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine? How did you rope her into this?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I told her what a sexist he is. How 
               he cheats on his wife.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She knew that.

               
                             GEORGE
               But she didn't know he doesn't recycle.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is the point of all this?

               
                             GEORGE
               Revenge.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, the best revenge is living well.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               There's no chance of that.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you get your laundry?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               What's with you?

               
                             KRAMER
               He jumped.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Newman jumped.

               
                             JERRY
               Did he call you last night?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What did you say?

               
                             KRAMER
               I said " Wave to me when you pass my 
               window."
 
               
                             JERRY
               Whew. Did he wave?

               
                             KRAMER
               No! He jumped from the second floor. 
               Mr. Papanickolous saw him from
 
               
               across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying 
               to
 
               
               get back at me.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, my god!

               
                             KRAMER
               What's the matter?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, on Thursday when I came home I 
               had $1500 on me. For some
 
               
               reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely
 
               
               
               forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, 
               come on,
 
               
               let's go.

               
                             KRAMER
               Where? Where?

               
                             JERRY
               To the Laundromat.

               
                             VIC
               I never saw it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay. Come on. Give the guy his money. 
               What -- what are you doing?
 
               
                             VIC
               Hey, you see that sign right there?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so 
               you can do whatever you want?
 
               
                             VIC
               I'm not responsible.

               
                             JERRY
               So, anybody leaves anything here, you 
               can just take it? You have a
 
               
               license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?

               
                             VIC
               You ever hear of a bank?

               
                             JERRY
               Come on. Let's go.

               
                             KRAMER
               No. You can't let him get away with 
               this.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Which one is he?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's him over there. The one that 
               looks like a blowfish.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah. I see him.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Hey, thanks for doing this.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why pass up the opportunity to go to 
               prison?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is by far the most exciting thing 
               I've ever done.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. It is kind of cool.

               
                             GEORGE
               First time in my life I've ever gotten 
               back at someone.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe we're doing this. This 
               is the kind of thing they do
 
               
               in the movies.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's exactly what I told Jerry!

               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes!

               
               (both laughing)

               
                             GEORGE
               God, I've never felt so alive!

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe we should call this off.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna 
               put a little concrete in
 
               
               the washing machine.

               
                             JERRY
               And what's gonna happen?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, 
               and then by the end of the
 
               
               cycle it'll be a solid block!

               
                             JERRY
               If only you could put your mind to something 
               worthwhile. You're like
 
               
               Lex Luthor.

               
                             KRAMER
               You keep him busy.

               
               (Kramer, holding heavy bag of concrete in arms, stumbles to machine,
 
               
               
               knocking chairs around)

               
               (Kramer plops concrete down onto washing machine)

               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa!

               
               (lifting bag into the air, Kramer, thrown off balance, stumbles 
               backwards
 
               
               and slams into dryer)

               
                             GEORGE
               You go over there -

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               You start flirting with him and I'll 
               come by and, while you're
 
               
               keeping him busy, I'll slip it in his drink.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wouldn't it be easier just to punch 
               him in the mouth?
 
               
                             LEVITAN
               Come on! They're terrible. They got 
               no infield.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oops! 'Scuse me.

               
                             LEVITAN
               Yeah.

               
                             GREENY
               I'm gonna get some food. You want some?
 
               
               
                             LEVITAN
               Nah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             LEVITAN
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sneezes)

               
                             LEVITAN
               God bless you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. 
               (blowing nose) Really. I mean
 
               
               that. I am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. 
               No
 
               
               sir. No sir. When I thank someone I really thank them. So, thank...
 
               
               
               yoooou!

               
                             LEVITAN
               You're welcome.

               
                             ELAINE
               People don't say " God bless you " as 
               much as they used to. Have
 
               
               you noticed that?

               
                             LEVITAN
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, I'm going to a nudist colony next 
               week.
 
               
                             LEVITAN
               Nudist colony?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love nudist colonies. 
               They help me..unwind. Aah!
 
               
                             LEVITAN
               (laughing) I'd never been to a nudist 
               colony.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, really? Oh, you should go. They're 
               great. They're great. Of
 
               
               course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this
 
               
               
               clothing, you know. So, a lot of times, I'll just lock the door 
               to my
 
               
               office and I'll just sit there naked.

               
                             LEVITAN
               Seriously?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah. I usually work naked a...couple 
               hours a day.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (whispering) Glenda, can I ask you a 
               favor? Can I have this seat?
 
               
                             GLENDA
               What do you have to sit here for? There 
               are plenty of other seats.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (whispering) I can't explain. It's very 
               important that I sit here.
 
               
                             GLENDA
               What are you doing here anyway? I thought 
               you were fired.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (whispering) Okay. Okay. Fine.

               
                             ELAINE
               I cook naked, I clean....I clean naked, 
               I drive naked. Naked.
 
               
               Naked. Naked.

               
                             LEVITAN
               Who are you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm 
               trouble. Big trouble.
 
               
               (lid on machine slams shut after Kramer opens it, forcing him 
               to pour
 
               
               concrete all over machine)

               
                             JERRY
               What about the gentle cycle? You ever 
               use that?
 
               
               (opening lid, Kramer begins to contort & flail arms about as 
               a cloud of
 
               
               concrete covers his face)

               
                             JERRY
               Do you think it's effeminate for a man 
               to put clothes in a gentle
 
               
               cycle?

               
               (Kramer emptying bag into machine)

               
                             JERRY
               What about fine fabrics? How do you 
               deal with that kind of
 
               
               temperament?

               
               (finished with machine, Kramer walks to corner of room with half-full 
               bag &
 
               
               drops it on the floor)

               
               (Kramer giving "OK" sign)

               
               (Kramer starting machine & trying to brush the mounds of concrete 
               off of
 
               
               the machine)

               
                             JERRY
               What about stone washing? You ever witness 
               one of those? That must
 
               
               be something.

               
               What? Do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?

               
               (Kramer walks over to where Jerry is standing, his entire body 
               covered with
 
               
               dry concrete)

               
                             KRAMER
               I didn't realize it was a full box.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm gonna count to three. If you don't 
               give up the chair, the wig
 
               
               is coming off.

               
                             GLENDA
               I don't' wear a wig.

               
                             GEORGE
               One...

               
                             ELAINE
               No. No. No. No. No. I don't really have 
               a phone. In fact, I - I
 
               
               really don't have an apartment. I kinda sleep around.

               
               (Levitan & Elaine laughing)

               
                             ELAINE
               I just like to have and few drinks and 
               just let the guy do whatever
 
               
               he wants. Would you close your eyes for a second? I wanna tell 
               you a
 
               
               secret about my bra.

               
               (George empties contents of tiny bottle into Levitan's drink)
 
               
               
               (Elaine & Levitan laughing)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hello, Rick.

               
                             LEVITAN
               Heh heh heh hey! Look who's here!

               
                             GEORGE
               That's right, Ricky Boy, it's me!

               
                             LEVITAN
               You know something, Costanza? I'm a 
               very lucky man.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh!

               
                             LEVITAN
               I've always been lucky. Things just 
               seem to fall right in my lap.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Boom!

               
               (all laughing)

               
                             LEVITAN
               You wouldn't believe it if I told you. 
               In fact, uh, I'm glad
 
               
               you're here. You know, maybe I've been a little rough on ya, 
               huh?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh.

               
                             LEVITAN
               Why should we let petty, personal differences 
               get in the way of
 
               
               business? I, uh, I want

               
               you to come back. You can use my bathroom anytime you want.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You want me to come back? Uh...

               
                             LEVITAN
               Hey! How about a toast, huh? Everybody, 
               a toast!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Rick.

               
                             LEVITAN
               Everyone, I wanna propose a toast to 
               ten great years at Rick Barr
 
               
               Properties.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, Rick..

               
                             LEVITAN
               And all the people in this room, (clears 
               throat) that made that
 
               
               possible..

               
                             GEORGE
               Rick.

               
                             LEVITAN
               I'd also like to welcome back into the 
               fold our..our little
 
               
               shrimpy friend, George Costanza who, although he didn't really 
               have a
 
               
               very good year -- how you blew that McConnell deal, I'll never 
               know. But,
 
               
               hey, what the hell, huh? We've always enjoyed his antics around 
               the
 
               
               office. Heh heh. Anything you wanna add to this?

               
                             GEORGE
               Drink up. I like history. Civil War. 
               Maybe I could be a professor,
 
               
               or something.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, to teach something you really 
               have to know a lot about it. I
 
               
               think you need a degree.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. That's true. What? My God, the 
               money! The 1500! Where'd you
 
               
               find it?

               
                             KRAMER
               It was in my laundry.

               
                             JERRY
               In your laundry the whole time? I told 
               you not to mix in our guys.
 
               
               What did we figure the damage on that machine would be?

               
                             KRAMER
               It was about 1200 bucks.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh! That's Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I'm on the roof!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what are you waiting for?

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, come on, take a walk with me 
               down to the Laundromat. I gotta
 
               
               pay this guy the money..

               
                             GEORGE
               I like horses. Maybe I could be a stable 
               boy.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You wanna shoot some pool tonight?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               I can't. I'm goin' to the movies.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nah. It's probably a union thing.


               
               
                            THE END



The Revenge



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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