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                      THE REVERSE PEEPHOLE



                           Written by

                         Spike Feresten



 
               
               
               (Waitress giving Elaine her meal at Monk's.)

               
                             WAITRESS
               Careful, this plate is extremely hot.
 
               
               
               Elaine touching the plate.

               
                             ELAINE
               Thank you. Ow!

               
                             WAITRESS
               I just told you it was hot. Why'd you 
               touch it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I just wanted to know what your idea 
               of 'hot' is.
 
               
               Puddy entering Monk's in a fur coat

               
                             PUDDY
               Hey, babe. You ready to hit the ice?
 
               
               
               Elaine cracking up when she sees Puddy's coat.

               
                             ELAINE
               I am ready to skate up a-- ha, ha, ha...Why 
               are you wearing that?
 
               
                             PUDDY
               It's my winter coat.

               
                             ELAINE
               A fur?

               
               Puddy sits down in the booth.

               
                             PUDDY
               Is there a problem?

               
                             ELAINE
               A seemingly infinite supply.

               
               Elaine touching the plate again.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ow! Careful, it's hot.

               
               Puddy touching the plate.

               
                             PUDDY
               Ow!

               
               Jerry, in his apartment with Elaine and George.

               
                             JERRY
               So, Puddy wear's a man fur?

               
                             ELAINE
               He was struttin' around the coffee shop 
               like Stein Erickson.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And, of course, you find fur morally 
               reprehensible.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Eh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy 
               anymore? This is more about hanging 
               off the arm of an idiot.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And this is the first you're seeing 
               of the coat?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               We never dated in winter.

               
                             JERRY
               You might want to get a look at that 
               bathing suit drawer.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other 
               day, and I saw that massage chair we 
               want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment 
               gift.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               An apartment-warming gift? We got to 
               give presents to people for moving? 
               Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. 
               I would like one month off.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's 
               what we're gettin' him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, but we're not buyin' it at 
               Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay 
               me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. 
               I have a sixth sense.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Cheapness is not a sense.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You 
               know, the second you walk in, he's got 
               you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do 
               me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the
 
               
               
               ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh...

               
                             JERRY
               I had a great time at the last one. 
               I was in charge of the music. I turned 
               that mother out.
 
               
               Kramer enters Jerry's apartment with Newman.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               You got any pliers?

               
                             JERRY
               What, has Newman got another army man 
               stuck in his ear?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hilarious.

               
                             KRAMER
               Newman and I are reversing the peepholes 
               on our door. So you can see in.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             NEWMAN
               To prevent an ambush.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone 
               is waiting to jack me with a sock full 
               of pennies.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But then anyone can just look in and 
               see you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Our policy is, we're comfortable with 
               our bodies. You know, if someone wants 
               to help themselves to an eyefull, well, 
               we say, 'Enjoy the show.'
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second 
               act.
 
               
               Jerry pulls a stub of paper out of his wallet.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, George. Here's the model number 
               on that chair, by the way.
 
               
                             KRAMERT
               Mmm... Nice wallet.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Wallet.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
               Kramer showing Jerry the contents of his pocket

               
                             KRAMER
               Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, 
               they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah, 
               see here's what you need. Just a couple 
               of cards and your bankroll.
 
               
               See, keep the big bills on the outside.

               
                             JERRY
               That's a five.

               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm on the Mexican, whoa ohh, radio...
 
               
               
               Silvio coming up behind Kramer

               
                             SILVIO
               Eh, what are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my 
               peephole.
 
               
                             SILVIO
               Hey, you know you gotta get permission 
               from me. I'm the super. Who said you 
               could do that?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, who says I can do any of the things 
               I do in my place?
 
               
                             SILVIO
               Like what?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I... uh, nothing. No, I'll, um, 
               I'll switch it back.
 
               
                             SILVIO
               No, no, no, no. No, that's all right.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that's good. Because, uh, Newman 
               and I--
 
               
                             SILVIO
               Newman? He did this, too?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, yeah.

               
                             SILVIO
               I deal with him.

               
               George showing Jerry a newspaper ad.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, look at this. This is the same 
               massage chair we're gettin' for Joe 
               Mayo, $60 cheaper.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Except the store's in Delaware.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll have 'em overnight it.

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know 
               it is better without this big wallet. 
               It's more comfortable.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. 
               It's wrong.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
               George pulling out his wallet.

               
                             GEORGE
               Because important things go in a case. 
               You got a skull for your brain, a plastic 
               sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for 
               your money.
 
               
               Jerry holding up a hamburger while holding George's wallet.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. 
               You got more cow here than here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I need everything in there.

               
               Jerry looking through George's wallet

               
                             JERRY
               Irish money?

               
                             GEORGE
               I might go there.

               
                             JERRY
               Show this card at any participating 
               Orlando-area Exxon station...to get 
               your free 'Save the Tiger' poster.
 
               
               
               George grabbing back his wallet.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, just gimme that. And gimme 
               some of those Sweet & Lows.
 
               
               (Newman walks up to Kramer's door, looks into his reverse peephole, 
               and sees Kramer, wearing an open shirt, scratching his stomach 
               with a backscratcher, with
 
               
               opera music playing in the background. Newman knocks on the door, 
               and Kramer startingly peers into his reverse peephole)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Who is it?

               
                             NEWMAN
               It's Newman.

               
                             KRAMER
               What do you want? I'm in the middle 
               of something.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I can't believe I'm being evicted.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What? What are you talking about?

               
                             NEWMAN
               The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm 
               an agitator and I'm out of the building.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No. No, he can't do that.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a 
               street corner, dancing for nickels. 
               I'll be with the hobos in the trainyard, 
               eating out of a bucket.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, we'll go and talk to him, and 
               we'll straighten this thing out.
 
               
               (Kramer closes his door behind him to go with Newman, when Newman 
               sees that he's still wearing his open shirt)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Uh, you, uh, you better put something 
               on.
 
               
               Jerry, at Joe Mayo's party with George.

               
                             JERRY
               George, I am loving this no wallet thing.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               A man carries a wallet.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, the very fact that you oppose 
               this makes me think I'm onto something.
 
               
               
               Joe Mayo, coming up to George and Jerry.

               
                             JOE MAYO
               Hey, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place.

               
                             JOE MAYO
               Thanks. George, can you do me a favor 
               and stay by the phone in case anybody 
               calls and needs directions?
 
               
               George tossing his coat on a chair.

               
                             GEORGE
               Love to.

               
                             JOE MAYO
               Thanks. Jerry...

               
                             JERRY
               Music?

               
                             JOE MAYO
               Actually, can you keep an eye on the 
               aquarium and make sure nobody taps on 
               the glass?
 
               
                             JERRY
               But I could do that and the music.
 
               
               
                             JOE MAYO
               Oh, no, don't worry about the music. 
               Just... have fun!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I was ready to get jiggy with it.

               
               Elaine entering the party with Puddy who's wearing his fur coat.
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius.
 
               
               
               Jerry showcasing his no-wallet look.

               
                             JERRY
               So, Elaine, notice anything different 
               about my... pants?
 
               
               Elaine eyeing Jerry patheticall, then turning to George.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, George... did you get the chair?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I don't have it yet.

               
                             JERRY
               So, we're givin' him nothing?

               
               George pulling out a picture of the chair.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I brought a picture of the chair.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Did you at least get him a card?

               
                             GEORGE
               I thought we'd all sign the picture.
 
               
               
               Joe Mayo walking up to the gang with an armload of guests' coats.
 
               
               
                             JOE MAYO
               Elaine...

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, Joe Mayo.

               
                             JOE MAYO
               I need you to be in charge of coats.
 
               
               
               Elaine being given all the coats and Puddy's fur coat thrown 
               on top.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, fantastic.

               
                             JOE MAYO
               And Puddy, can you make sure no one 
               puts a drink on my...sound system?
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               Sure thing, Joe Mayo.

               
               Jerry over by the aquarium talking to a girl.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants?
 
               
               
                             KERI
               Nice.

               
                             JERRY
               (talking to George) It's working. (to 
               the girl, who's tapping on the aquarium) 
               Don't tap on the glass.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (answering the phone while walking away) 
               Joe Mayo's apartment?
 
               
                             PUDDY
               (standing guard by the stereo as George 
               walks by him) Hey! Cocktail off the 
               speaker.
 
               
               (Putting the coats on a bed, Elaine sees the window, opens it, 
               and throws Puddy's coat out)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Goodbye, Dr. Zaius.

               
               Silvio with his wife, Kramer, and Newman in Jerry's apartment.
 
               
               
                             SILVIO
               Why are we in Jerry's apartment?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I, uh, I like to think of this 
               as my conference room. Yeah, it has 
               a more formal atmosphere, you know, 
               with the shelves, and the furniture.
 
               
               
                             SILVIO
               Make it quick Kramer, my wife and I 
               are about to go bowling.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, well, um, Newman thinks that you, 
               uh, evicted him?
 
               
                             SILVIO
               I did. I don't like Mr. Newman. He is 
               an agitator.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look... I've known Newman all my life, 
               in the building, and you're all wrong 
               about him. He's a model tenant. Portly, 
               yes, but smart as a whip.
 
               
                             SILVIO
               OK, on your word he can stay.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right.

               
                             SILVIO
               But... I'm gonna keep my eye on him.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you won't regret it.

               
               (Kramer looks up at Newman and he sees him close to kissing Silvio's 
               wife. Silvio, sees the cigar fall right out of Kramer's mouth.
 
               
               
                             SILVIO
               What's wrong?

               
               (Kramer hurriedly picks the cigar up, but puts the wrong end 
               in his mouth, burning his tongue, and quickly replacing it the 
               right way in his mouth)
 
               
                             JOE MAYO
               Elaine, thanks for coming.

               
                             ELAINE
               Good working with you.

               
               Puddy coming up to them in his fur coat ready to go.

               
                             PUDDY
               All right, let's hit the bricks.

               
               Elaine sees Puddy still having a coat.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JOE MAYO
               Hey, I got a coat just like this!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Uhhh...

               
               Elaine at Monk's with George and Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               So Joe Mayo had the same coat.

               
                             GEORGE
               And you threw it out the window?

               
                             ELAINE
               Mm-hmm.

               
                             GEORGE
               God, you're like a rock star.

               
                             ELAINE
               So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him 
               a new coat.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Because you threw it out.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, because I was in charge of the coats. 
               It's... insane.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But you did actually throw his coat 
               out the window.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               But he doesn't know that. As far as 
               he knows, somebody stole it, and that's 
               the person who should be responsible.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But that's you.

               
                             ELAINE
               So I guess I'll have to buy him a new 
               coat, even though I don't think I should 
               be held responsible, which I am anyway.
 
               
               
               George, taking out his wallet to pay the check.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing 
               me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you 
               got a filing cabinet under half of your 
               ass.
 
               
               George replacing his wallet in his pocket.

               
                             GEORGE
               This...is an organizer, a secretary, 
               and a friend.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Look at you. You're on a slant.

               
                             GEORGE
               Here, just give me a couple of napkins.
 
               
               
               (He pulls some napkins out of the dispenser, puts them in his 
               other back pocket, and becomes un-slanted)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               There, there I'm fine.

               
               (Suddenly, half of George's body falls with a crunch sound, as 
               he becomes slanty the other way now)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What was that?

               
                             GEORGE
               I think I had some hard candy in there.
 
               
               
               George sees the delivery man bringing the massage chair into 
               his apartment.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, this is supposed to go to Joe 
               Mayo's apartment.
 
               
               George sits down in the chair.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ahhh. How does this thing work?

               
               George turns the chair on.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ahhhhh...

               
                             DELIVERY MAN
               Sir, do you want me to deliver this 
               to your friend's place or not?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ahhhhh...

               
               Keri meeting Jerry on the street.

               
                             KERI
               Ready to go?

               
                             JERRY
               All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing.
 
               
               
                             KERI
               You don't go that often?

               
                             JERRY
               No, because it's so stupid. Shall we?
 
               
               
               Keri handing him a bunch of miscellaneous items that would seem 
               to normally go in her purse.
 
               
                             KERI
               Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff 
               for me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Compact, lipstick, all this?

               
               Keri, handing him a gigantic ring of keys.

               
                             KERI
               And can you help to carry my keys?
 
               
               
               Jerry looks at the keys.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you, a medieval dungeon master?
 
               
               
               Keri, handing him another item as she starts to walk down the 
               street.
 
               
                             KERI
               And a tin of altoids.

               
               Jerry puts it all in his pocket and then trying to catch up to 
               her
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ow! Sharp key.

               
               Kramer walks on the street with Newman

               
                             KRAMER
               So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, there's very little sleeping going 
               on.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, why didn't you tell me about this?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Quite frankly, I don't see how it's 
               any of your business.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's my business now. Look, I 
               stuck up for you. Man, if he catches 
               you, we're both out.
 
               
               Newman stops under a tree on the street and looking up into it.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey, what is that up that tree?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give 
               me a boost.
 
               
               Kramer boosting Newman into the tree.

               
                             KRAMER
               Man, where did you learn to climb trees 
               like that?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               The Pacific Northwest.

               
               Elaine with Jerry at his apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, you had to carry some of Keri's 
               stuff. Big deal.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You don't understand. I went on a successful 
               pocket diet, and I want to keep that 
               weight off.
 
               
               Elaine making a bowl of cereal.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know what? We sell this thing at 
               Peterman that would be perfect for you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Not more of that crap from the Titanic?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No. No. It's a small men's carryall.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not carrying a purse.

               
               Elaine sits down at the table to eat her cereal.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's not a purse. It's European.

               
               Jerry sits down with Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair 
               yet?
 
               
               Jerry dialing his phone.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             ELAINE
               If I'm gettin' him a new fur, I'm not 
               chippin' in on a gift, too.
 
               
               George answering his phone, while still using the massage chair.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that 
               chair yet?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God...

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's in... transit.

               
                             ELAINE
               Did he get it?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mmm, good. Tell him I'm out.

               
               George (hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal, 
               right? We'll split it three ways.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Allllll right!

               
                             JERRY
               What is that noise?

               
               
                             JERRY
               You know, sometimes I get the feeling 
               George isn't being completely honest 
               with me.
 
               
               Kramer enters Jerry's apartment and handing Jerry back his pliers.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, here are your 
               pliers back....Weak hinge.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I guess I better go and price 
               fur coats.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, go down to 88th Street. They're 
               free.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you talking about?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, they're hanging from the trees. 
               You know, Newman found one there yesterday. 
               Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed 
               lemur!
 
               
               Elaine pushing Kramer in her 'get-out!' style.

               
                             ELAINE
               88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. 
               That's the coat!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What was that pop sound?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I had some hard candy in there.
 
               
               
               Newman enters Elaine's apartment.

               
                             NEWMAN
               So, to what do I owe this unusual invitation?
 
               
               
               Elaine taking his coat and then throwing it on the floor.

               
                             ELAINE
               Come in, come in.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Ahh! This is very much as I imagined 
               it to be. Aside from this rattan piece, 
               which seems oddly out of place.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Please, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted 
               to talk to you about something.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               This isn't about my opening your mail?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Because I don't, never have, anything 
               I read was already open.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, yeah, uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard 
               that you found a fur coat in a tree. 
               And, I believe that it belongs to a 
               friend of mine, and I'd like to give 
               it back to him.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Sorry. Climbers, keepers.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, Newmie. Um, I know how you 
               feel about me, and I have to tell you, 
               I'm quite flattered.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You are?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that 
               I know, you're the only one who's held 
               down a steady job for several years.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, it's-it's interesting work, I 
               don't mind it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ha ha ha ha.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Don't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh, 
               burly, athletic type?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, don't worry, he's cool.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Cool?

               
                             ELAINE
               Very cool. So, what do you say? Can 
               you do this one little favor, Newmie?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Oh, how I've waited for this moment. 
               But alas, my heart belongs to another 
               man's wife, and I have given the coat 
               to her.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               All right, we're done here.

               
                             NEWMAN
               For I am in love with Svetlana, and 
               I don't care if the whole world knows, 
               except for Silvio, who would throw me 
               out of the apartment, where I would 
               be
 
               
               dancing on the sidewalk--

               
                             ELAINE
               Thank you, thank you, thank you very 
               much.
 
               
               Keri putting her things into Jerry's carryal.

               
                             KERIL
               Nice carryall.

               
                             JERRY
               It's European.

               
                             KERI
               Do you still have my lipstick?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never 
               find anything in here. Ah, here it is. 
               So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, 
               doesn't he? So what was your job?
 
               
               
                             KERI
               My job was to keep you away from the 
               music.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What, he doesn't like my taste in music?
 
               
               
                             KERI
               Guess not.

               
                             JERRY
               You should've been there last year. 
               I got jiggy with it!
 
               
               Silvio, running up and knocking on Kramer's door.

               
                             SILVIO
               Kramer! It's Silvio! Open up, I need 
               to talk to you! I can see you through 
               the reverse peephole.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Silvio!

               
               Silvio holding up a fur coat.

               
                             SILVIO
               Look at this.

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh?

               
                             SILVIO
               Svetlana says she find it in the laundry 
               room, but I think it is a gift from 
               that postman agitator. Where is he?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Relax, Silvio.

               
                             SILVIO
               No, that's it. You're both out of the 
               building!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even 
               give her that! No, that's not even a 
               woman's coat. It's a man's!
 
               
                             SILVIO
               A man's?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             SILVIO
               What kind of a man would wear fur?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, lots of 'em.

               
                             SILVIO
               Would you?

               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
                             SILVIO
               Then who?

               
                             KRAMER
               What about Jerry?

               
                             SILVIO
               Jerry?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah, 
               they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, 
               insecure people.
 
               
                             SILVIO
               Yes, you are right. It's all about, 
               me, me, me. Please, look at me! I am 
               so pretty! Love me! Want me!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, something like that.

               
               Jerry in his apartment with Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               I have to do what?

               
                             KRAMER
               All you have to do is wear the fur so 
               Silvio thinks it's yours.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm not wearing the fur.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown 
               out of the building.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Is that right?

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, why don't you just take a 
               good, hard look at what your life will 
               be like if I'm not around?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Newman, too?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you 
               what, if you do this, I'll give you 
               that walkman you're always asking about.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That's my walkman!

               
                             KRAMER
               And you'll get it back.

               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right. Good, thanks, I owe you one.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman 
               was broke when you gave it to me.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George, did you get that chair yet?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It gets here when it gets here. Would 
               you stop ridin' me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know what? Just call up and cancel 
               it. I'm out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me?

               
                             JERRY
               Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music. 
               He's not gettin' a gift from me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I can't believe you're dropping 
               out, too. So now Kramer and I have to 
               pay for the entire gift?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo 
               everyone's talking about?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He's the guy we're the buying the chair 
               for, remember? It was your suggestion.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I think the chair is a fantastic gift 
               idea. But I never heard of this Joe 
               Mayo. And frankly, it sounds made up.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, so now I have to buy this whole 
               chair by myself?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, you don't have to buy anything.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I already bought it! I've been lyin' 
               to you for three days, and now you're 
               all screwin' me!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't understand. Why didn't you tell 
               us you had it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I needed it! My back is... a little 
               tweaked.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Because of your giant wallet. Just get 
               rid of it!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Never! It is a part of me. I will just 
               return the chair, and it will be easy, 
               because the receipt is in my good friend.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Your good friend is morbidly obese.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's not a purse. It's European!

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, Silvio's down there. He's 
               shoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta 
               do is put this on, you go down to the 
               corner, you pick up a paper, and you 
               come
 
               
               right back.

               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
               Kramer puts the coat on Jerry.

               
                             KRAMER
               There you go.

               
                             JERRY
               How do I look?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ahh....

               
               George pulls down a tab from an ad he sees on the street.

               
                             GEORGE
               Learn guitar, first lesson free? Huh.
 
               
               
               (George puts the stub of paper in his wallet, and tries to close 
               it, everything inside it flies out as the whole wallet explodes)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll 
               in my favorite fur coat.
 
               
                             SILVIO
               That is your coat?

               
                             JERRY
               It sure is.

               
                             SILVIO
               Kramer says you need it because you're 
               an entertainer and you're desperate 
               for attention.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's true.

               
               Kramer giving Jerry his carryal.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, you forgot your purse.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, thanks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing 
               around in his coat with his purse. Yup, 
               he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe this isn't my coat.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, you're not fancy!

               
                             SILVIO
               No, he's very fancy! Want me, love me! 
               Shower me with kisses!
 
               
               Elaine, coming up to them on the street.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his 
               coat.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy 
               boy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, that's not your coat.

               
                             SILVIO
               If that is not his coat, whose coat 
               is it?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's Joe Mayo's coat.

               
                             SILVIO
               Who's Joe Mayo?

               
                             KRAMER
               That must be the man that's sleeping 
               with your wife.
 
               
               (A pickpocket runs by, taking Jerry's carryall, while everyone 
               yells in surprise)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey! Officer! Someone took my European 
               carryall!
 
               
                             COP
               Your what?

               
                             JERRY
               The...black, leather...thing with a 
               strap.
 
               
                             COP
               You mean a purse?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, a purse. I carry a purse!

               
               Jerry, on the phone with Elaine putting his things back into 
               his wallet
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment 
               for him with a sock full of pennies.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He should have had a reverse peephole.
 
               
               
               Puddy entering Elaine's apartment in a new bright, multi-colored 
               leather coat.
 
               
                             PUDDY
               Hey, Babe.

               
               Elaine hangs up the phone to talk to Puddy.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Hello?

               
                             ELAINE
               What is that?

               
                             PUDDY
               It's my new coat.

               
                             ELAINE
               You ditched the fur?

               
                             PUDDY
               Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked 
               like a bit of a dandy. Check it out! 
               8-Ball! You got a question, you ask 
               the 8-Ball.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You're gonna wear this all the time?
 
               
               
                             PUDDY
               All signs point to 'Yes!'

               
               
                            THE END 


The Reverse Peephole



Writers :   Spike Feresten
Genres :   Comedy


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