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                            THE ROBBERY



                             Written by

                            Matt Goldman



 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               So I move into the centre lane, now 
               I get ahead of this
 
               
               women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that
 
               
               
               I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me...
 
               
               
               the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous

               
               thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.

               
               (shows several fingers to the audience) It's a finger, what
 
               
               
               does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm
 
               
               
               supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? 
               I
 
               
               mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't
 
               
               
               you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the
 
               
               
               finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've
 
               
               
               gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and
 
               
               
               uh (pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to
 
               
               
               person driving next to him) look at that toe, buddy. (puts his
 
               
               
               foot down) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe,

               
               isn't it ?

               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting

               
               at the table watching Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the 
               mini-umbrella,
 
               
               something boring to read on the plane. (zips his bag with

               
               exaggerated motions) That's it. Done!

               
                             ELAINE
               (claps her hands) That is the single 
               greatest packing
 
               
               performance I have ever seen.

               
                             JERRY
               (proudly) I am...the master packer.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (laughs) Yeah, right, you're the master 
               packer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What you must understand, Elaine, (picks 
               up the
 
               
               umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into

               
                             BATTLE
               you've gotta know the strengths and 
               weaknesses (hits
 
               
               his bag rhythmically with his umbrella) of every soldier in
 
               
               
               that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of

               
               ordinary black socks.

               
                             ELAINE
               'Scuse me...master packer!

               
                             JERRY
               ...Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Just gimme your keys.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, sir. (tosses Elaine his keys; 
               apartment buzzer
 
               
               goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom) George?

               
                             GEORGE
               (outside over the intercom) Yeah

               
                             ELAINE
               (Jerry opens the door) OK, so, now, 
               is there anything
 
               
               else I need to know 'bout this place?

               
                             JERRY
               uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes 
               a little while to
 
               
               come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all

               
               your shopping, you...come back and take a shower.

               
                             ELAINE
               OK, this is quite a place.

               
                             JERRY
               There's more, the refrigerator. (Opens 
               it) Deduct a
 
               
               minimum of two days of all expiration dates. (uses the

               
               umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator)
 
               
               
               No meat, no leftovers, no butter. (closes the refrigerator)
 
               
               
               
               that clear?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll eat out.

               
                             JERRY
               One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual 
               activity:
 
               
               strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a
 
               
               
                             BIG FAVOUR
               do it in the tub.

               
                             GEORGE
               (walks in) Ready?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, one sec.

               
                             GEORGE
               (closes the door) Hey, Elaine

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Coming to the airport with us?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I'm staying here for the weekend. 
               I'm getting a
 
               
               break from my roommate.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, the actress-waitress.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, the waitress-actress. She just got 
               some part in
 
               
               some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all 
               day
 
               
               
               "God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it
 
               
               
               right in her...

               
                             GEORGE
               You just kick her out.

               
                             ELAINE
               She's on the lease!...George you have 
               got to find an
 
               
               other place for me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something 
               good in
 
               
               your price-range. (looks like he remembers something and turns
 
               
               
               to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not looking.

               
                             GEORGE
               No no no, this one's different, this 
               one's a beauty!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, what's it like?

               
                             GEORGE
               I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom", 
               it's
 
               
               on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?

               
                             JERRY
               How much?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, twice what you pay in here, but 
               it's a great
 
               
               building, it's two bedrooms!

               
                             JERRY
               Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? 
               I got enough
 
               
               trouble maintaining activity in one. (George looks at Elaine
 
               
               
               with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around) I saw that.

               
                             ELAINE
               You oughtta least take a look at it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really? Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               'Cause then I could move in here.

               
                             JERRY
               Ooohhhh

               
                             ELAINE
               It's time you got out a here anyway.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double 
               parked here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, Jerry, this place is falling 
               apart. You have
 
               
               no hot water, you can't have soft cheese...

               
                             GEORGE
               Let's not forget the radiator, the steam 
               has been on
 
               
               here for ten years; no human can turn this off.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now, 
               you should at
 
               
               least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live
 
               
               
               like this.

               
                             JERRY
               Like this? You just said, you wanted 
               to live here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, for me it's a step up. It's like 
               moving from
 
               
               Island to Finland.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, what do ya...you wanna...you 
               wanna see the
 
               
               place or not?

               
                             JERRY
               I can't think about it now. Come on, 
               I'm going to
 
               
               Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.

               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his

               
               bags.)

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine! (puts his bags down, sits down 
               on the couch,
 
               
               picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV)

               
                             JERRY
               (notices the TV is missing) ELAINE!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (from the bathroom) JERRY! (enters the 
               living-room)
 
               
               Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?

               
                             JERRY
               Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's 
               the VCR.
 
               
               (Elaine looks guilty) What?

               
                             ELAINE
               They were stolen.

               
                             JERRY
               Stolen? When?

               
                             ELAINE
               A couple a hours ago, the police are 
               coming right
 
               
               over.

               
                             JERRY
               Stolen?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Kramer enters the apartment) Someone 
               left the door
 
               
               open. (it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the

               
               bathroom)

               
                             JERRY
               (to Kramer) You left the door open?!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin' 
               and I, I uh, I
 
               
               came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause
 
               
               
               I was gonna bring the spatula right back!

               
                             JERRY
               Wait, you left the lock open or the 
               door open?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (bobs his head guiltily) The door.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The door? You left the door open?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula 
               right back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I got caught up... watching a 
               soap opera...(with
 
               
               a broken voice) The Bold and the Beautiful

               
                             JERRY
               So the door was wide open?

               
                             KRAMER
               Wide open!

               
                             JERRY
               (Elaine enters the living-room) And 
               where were you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for 
               the shower to
 
               
               heat up.

               
                             KRAMER
               Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you 
               have insurance,
 
               
               right buddy?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               (looks shocked) How can you not have 
               insurance?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo 
               D. 29, it's
 
               
               the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only
 
               
               
                             ONE DESIGN FLAW
               the door...(shuts the door) must be 
               CLOSED.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm 
               gonna solve it,
 
               
               I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me 
               back, it was an
 
               
               accident.

               
                             KRAMER
               (theatrical) I made a mistake.

               
                             ELAINE
               (idem) These things happen

               
                             KRAMER
               (idem) I'm human

               
                             JERRY
               In your way.

               
               (Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a

               
               report. Jerry and Elaine are there.)

               
                             POLICEMAN
               Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, 
               one leather
 
               
               jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Answering machine.

               
                             JERRY
               (disappointed) Answering machine. Oh, 
               I hate the idea
 
               
               of somebody out there returning my calls.

               
                             POLICEMAN
               What do ya mean?

               
                             JERRY
               It's a joke.

               
                             POLICEMAN
               I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll 
               look into
 
               
               it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find
 
               
               
               anything.

               
                             JERRY
               You ever find anything?

               
                             POLICEMAN
               No. (hands Jerry his copy of the report)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, thanks anyway.

               
                             POLICEMAN
               You bet.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Policeman leaves the apartment, while 
               George enters)
 
               
               I didn't get that joke either.

               
                             JERRY
               The crook has the machine. The messages 
               aren't for him.
 
               
                             HE'S THE CROOK
               why would he answer...(turns around 
               and sees
 
               
               George standing behind him) How did you get in here?

               
                             GEORGE
               (makes some weird motions) I walked 
               in, your lobby
 
               
               door is broken again.

               
                             JERRY
               Again.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know how you put up with this.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, tell'm George.

               
                             JERRY
               (to Elaine) You would still wanna move 
               in here?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes! You don't understand. I'm living 
               with Ethel
 
               
               Merman without the talent.

               
                             JERRY
               (to George) Is that uh, other apartment 
               still
 
               
               available. (George shows him the keys)

               
               
               
               (Comedy club.)

               
                             JERRY
               I got ripped off for about the...18th 
               time? And now,
 
               
               the first couple a times you go through it, it's very

               
               upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will
 
               
               
                             SAY
               "Call the police. You really should 
               call the police." So
 
               
               
               "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna
 
               
               
               see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police
 
               
               
               
                             GIVE YOU
               your copy. Now...unless they give the 
               crook his
 
               
               copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do

               
               you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the
 
               
               
               city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few
 
               
               
               crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for

               
               their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot.
 
               
               
               "Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can
 
               
               
               round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him,
 
               
               
               he's a PENGUIN!

               
               
               
               (The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry

               
               are entering the apartment.)

               
                             ELAINE
               (looks around) Oh, well, come on...this 
               is an
 
               
               apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a
 
               
               
               fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? (takes a closer
 
               
               
               look at the fireplace)

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't know there was a fireplace. 
               A fireplace, this
 
               
               is incredible.

               
                             JERRY
               How do you get all that wood in here?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               They deliver it.

               
                             JERRY
               They deliver wood?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Whatta ya tip a "wood guy"?

               
                             GEORGE
               (looking intensively at the form with 
               the apartment
 
               
               description) I didn't know there was a fireplace?

               
                             ELAINE
               Look! Look at...look at this! There's 
               a garden.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A garden! I can't believe there's a 
               garden!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Would I have to get a gardener?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, you can get a gardener.

               
                             JERRY
               You tip him?

               
                             ELAINE
               You can.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Elaine) You don't tip a gardener!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You can tip a gardener.

               
                             GEORGE
               You don't need a gardener.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, you can barbecue back here (points 
               to garden).
 
               
                             JERRY
               They deliver the coal?

               
                             ELAINE
               Sure, it's...probably the same guy, 
               who delivers the
 
               
               wood.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, than I gotta tip him.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh damn, this place is incredible, look 
               at all this
 
               
               great light!

               
                             JERRY
               I don't have any plants.

               
                             GEORGE
               I have plants.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, look at this closet! Look at 
               this! I'm walking
 
               
               in it! (walks in the closet) It's a "walk-in". Can you believe
 
               
               
               it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?!

               
                             JERRY
               (closes the closet with Elaine still 
               in it)...I like
 
               
               that. (opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look)
 
               
               
               What do ya think, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's your decision.

               
                             JERRY
               (walks around with Elaine walking next 
               to him, copying
 
               
               his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not
 
               
               
               able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing)
 
               
               
               I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this
 
               
               
               is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.

               
                             ELAINE
               (laughing with joy) Your movin'? That 
               means I'm
 
               
               movin'. (hugs Jerry) Gheeeeee (runs to George) isn't that

               
               incredible!

               
                             GEORGE
               Congratulations. (obviously not so thrilled 
               by the
 
               
               fact)

               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.)

               
                             ELAINE
               What about the couch?

               
                             JERRY
               You like the couch? I'll tell ya what 
               I'm gonna do.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               You're movin' in, you're a good friend, 
               I wanna start
 
               
               you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. (Elaine

               
               looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall) Get it out a
 
               
               
               here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see
 
               
               
               it, go, get it out.

               
                             ELAINE
               A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what? 
               For this
 
               
               couch?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             ELAINE
               For this couch?!

               
                             JERRY
               (shuts the door) OK, you tell me, what 
               is it worth?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               OK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could 
               go as high as
 
               
               uh... (takes a closer look at couch) I don't know, maybe...$20
 
               
               
               dollars?

               
                             JERRY
               (has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on 
               his face; the
 
               
               apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom)

               
               Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               (outside over the intercom) Yeah, it's 
               George.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come on up. (opens the door; walks back 
               to the couch)
 
               
               Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now...

               
               (picks up the cushions) I'm just gonna pack up the cushions
 
               
               
               right now...

               
                             ELAINE
               OK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You wanna get the other end, 'cause 
               I wanna get it in
 
               
               the hall. (acts like he's going to lift up the couch)

               
                             ELAINE
               $50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that 
               all right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               $50 dollars?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh-huh.

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you very much.

               
                             ELAINE
               Thank you very much.

               
                             GEORGE
               (walks in and closes the door) Hey, 
               what's goin' on?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I just bought Jerry's couch for $50 
               dollars.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to George) So did you bring the lease? 
               (George takes
 
               
               the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry) All
 
               
               
               right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry (said 
               very quickly),
 
               
               listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at

               
                             ALL, AT ALL
               do not feel like you have to take it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               If you're having second thoughts, if 
               you didn't want
 
               
               it,

               
               don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take
 
               
               
               it, ya know. (said with a "for-instance-look" on his face)

               
                             JERRY
               You could take it? You want it?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I don't want it. I want it, if you 
               don't want it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you do want it.

               
                             GEORGE
               No I, I want it if you don't want it!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You just said, you wanted it!

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I'm saying, if a situation arose 
               in which you
 
               
               didn't want it, I might take it.

               
                             JERRY
               (picks up the lease and hands it to 
               George) So take it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (refuses to take the lease from Jerry; 
               Elaine looks
 
               
               worried) How can I take it?!

               
                             JERRY
               How can I take it?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's your apartment!

               
                             JERRY
               How can I want it now, if you want it?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause 
               any trouble
 
               
               here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, but I am not taking it.

               
                             JERRY
               I...am not taking it. (drops the lease 
               demonstratively)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, one of you better damn well take 
               it!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, whatta you wanna do here?

               
                             GEORGE
               I, I don't know. (makes a gesture, that 
               he doesn't
 
               
               know)

               
                             JERRY
               Do you wanna flip a coin?

               
                             GEORGE
               ...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               OK, fine...(takes a coin from his pocket) 
               This is the
 
               
               official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and

               
               that's it, agreed?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm good.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know, who to rune for, George's 
               place has
 
               
               carpeting.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, now you call it in the air.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No catchin'.

               
                             JERRY
               No no.

               
                             GEORGE
               Flip it. (Jerry flips the coin) Heads! 
               (the coin hits
 
               
               the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at
 
               
               
               the coin)

               
                             JERRY
               Tails!

               
                             GEORGE
               No, it hit the table, it hit the table.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what?

               
                             GEORGE
               INTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT. 
               COME ON, ARE YOU
 
               
               CRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it.

               
                             JERRY
               You didn't call no interference!

               
                             GEORGE
               YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S 
               A RULE!!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't believe this.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you 
               win. Take it,
 
               
               just take it!

               
                             JERRY
               I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine, 
               what do ya
 
               
               think?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'd better not...

               
                             JERRY
               ...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose 
               you for it.
 
               
               Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you
 
               
               
               gotta win three.

               
                             GEORGE
               OK (they walk around each other)...OK. 
               I'll choose
 
               
               you...whatta ya want?

               
                             JERRY
               Odds

               
                             GEORGE
               I want evens.

               
                             JERRY
               Good.

               
                             GEORGE
               You got odds.

               
               JERRY You got evens.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right, ready.

               
                             JERRY
               For the apartment. (they take their 
               "choose positions")
 
               
                             BOTH
               Once, twice, three, shoot!

               
                             JERRY
               Mine!

               
                             BOTH
               Once, twice, three, shoot!

               
                             JERRY
               Mine! (George walks to the table to 
               take a break)
 
               
                             BOTH
               (they take their positions again) Once, 
               twice, three,
 
               
               shoot!

               
                             GEORGE
               Mine!

               
                             BOTH
               Once, twice, three, shoot!

               
                             GEORGE
               (Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring 
               up Jerry's couch)
 
               
               Congratulations...congratulations.

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks. (George walks to the bathroom)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (screaming in bathroom) WHAT DID I PUT 
               UP TO? WHAT DID
 
               
               I PUT UP TO?

               
                             KRAMER
               (enters the apartment "Kramer-style") 
               Jerry, I think
 
               
               I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the
 
               
               
               Englishman, who lives down the hall?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               The last couple a days he's been acting 
               very strange;
 
               
               I think he's avoiding me.

               
                             JERRY
               Hard to imagine. (ironically)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah! And get this: I just got of the 
               elevator with
 
               
               him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I
 
               
               
               said to him, like I, I was like this (shows how he was acting
 
               
               
               
               stuff."

               
                             JERRY
               Right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ya know, very casually, so that he was 
               gonna take me
 
               
               in to his confidence.

               
                             ELAINE
               So what did he say?

               
                             KRAMER
               "What stuff?".

               
                             JERRY
               Ooh, case closed! (ironically)

               
                             KRAMER
               No, you don't understand, you see, he 
               swallowed...see,
 
               
               the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something!

               
               Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if 
               I
 
               
               don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the
 
               
               
               police.

               
                             JERRY
               OK, starting (looks at his watch)...NOW!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah! (said in his own typical way and 
               he runs off)
 
               
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               One of the problems in life is that 
               when you're a kid,
 
               
               you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and

               
               those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way
 
               
               
               that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them
 
               
               
                             SAY
               "I got the front seat" (other kid's 
               voice) "I wanted the
 
               
               front seat!" (first kid again) "I called it". And the other
 
               
               
               
               called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law"
 
               
               
                             IT HOLDS UP
               (lawyer's voice) "Your Honour, my client 
               did ask
 
               
               
               it?" (lawyer's voice again) "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG!
 
               
               
               (imitating a hammer being hit by the judge); (judges voice

               
               again) "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled".
 
               
               
               
               
               (Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a

               
               table, George is returning from the bathroom)

               
                             GEORGE
               (walks towards the table) I love the 
               mirror in that
 
               
               
               in that mirror. (sits down) I don't know if it's the tile or
 
               
               
               the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner.

               
                             JERRY
               (bobs his head) It's a good mirror...(both 
               look at
 
               
               their menus) So, what are ya gettin'?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't 
               have anything
 
               
               
                             FRENCH FRIES
               out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents:
 
               
               
               three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot!
 
               
               
               
               you eat that stuff?!"...(they look at their menus again) I'm
 
               
               
               so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm 
               not taking the
 
               
               place!

               
                             GEORGE
               What?!

               
                             JERRY
               How can I live there?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?!

               
                             JERRY
               Look at you, you're still thinking about 
               it, I'll never
 
               
               feel comfortable.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, get out a here.

               
                             JERRY
               How can I ever have you over? You'll 
               sit there moping.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Mope?

               
                             JERRY
               You're already moping!...Would you take 
               the place?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, impossible! It's your apartment.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You found the place.

               
                             GEORGE
               You won the choose.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, forget it, it's over, I'm 
               not moving.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, me neither.

               
                             JERRY
               Definitely?

               
                             GEORGE
               Definitely.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, than just get rid of it. You won't 
               have any
 
               
               problem.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, it's not a problem, I can get rid 
               of the apartment
 
               
               this afternoon. (a waitress approaches)

               
                             WAITRESS
               What apartment?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom" 
               uh, west
 
               
               83rd 'bout half block from the park.

               
                             WAITRESS
               What's the rent?

               
               (The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it;

               
               Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a

               
               couch, all three moping)

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, what we're doin' here, 
               this is
 
               
               ridiculous.

               
                             JERRY
               She wanted to thank us for the apartment. 
               (very
 
               
               irritated)

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe I lost the deposit on 
               that u-hall. (I
 
               
               can't quite understand what she'd saying here)And I threw out
 
               
               
               my couch. (She slaps Jerry on the leg)

               
                             JERRY
               If only the coin hadn't hit the table.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The table is interference, you know 
               it!
 
               
                             JERRY
               It is not!

               
                             GEORGE
               It is too!

               
                             ELAINE
               My roommate starts rehearsal tonight 
               on Carrousel.
 
               
               (irritated)

               
                             WAITRESS
               Hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi, Carol.

               
                             CAROL
               I just wanted to introduce you to my 
               husband, this is
 
               
               Larry (points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get

               
               up). This is George, Elaine and Jerry (points to them) (to

               
               Larry) These are the guys who got us the apartment.

               
                             LARRY
               Oh, you don't know how grateful I am, 
               if there's
 
               
               anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so
 
               
               
               thrilled with this place.

               
                             CAROL
               It's a dream.

               
                             LARRY
               I'm running in the park now, I've lost 
               weight, we're
 
               
               barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.

               
                             GEORGE
               We're really glad for ya. (very sadly)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Couldn't be happier. (idem)

               
                             JERRY
               It's wonderful. (idem; they sit down 
               again)
 
               
                             CAROL
               Diane, Diane, come here. (she beckons 
               a women; she
 
               
               comes to the couch) This is my new next door neighbour, Diane.
 
               
               
               (Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very

               
               attractive) (to Diane) These are the guys, who turned this

               
               place down, can you believe it? (to Jerry, George and Elaine)
 
               
               
               Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse!
 
               
               
                             DIANE
               How, how could you guys have turned 
               this place down,
 
               
               it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               We're aware of the proximity to the 
               park, yes.
 
               
                             DIANE
               Well, it was nice to meet you. (she 
               walks away)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nice meeting you. (shakes Carol's hand; 
               they sit down
 
               
               again; Carol walks away)

               
                             JERRY
               How late are the stores open? I'm thinking 
               of maybe uh,
 
               
               buying a new TV and smash it over my head. (two men are

               
               standing behind the couch talking)

               
                             RIGHT MAN
               I get a call from Gilmore this morning 
               and get
 
               
                             THIS
               they're restructuring the organization 
               in Atlanta and I
 
               
               gotta be there on the first of the month.

               
                             LEFT MAN
               Really? What are you gonna 'bout the 
               apartment?
 
               
                             RIGHT GUY
               Well, what can I do? Give it up.

               
               
               
               
                             THE END






The Robbery



Writers :   Matt Goldman
Genres :   Comedy


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