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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE RYE



                             Written by

                            Carol Leifer




 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (thinking) I can't believe I'm going 
               out with this guy. Wow! He's so cool. 
               Maybe he'll write a song about me. That 
               would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are 
               so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not 
               so mention your personality which is 
               so, so, interesting. If you want, you 
               can quit your job and never work again.
 
               
               
               (club applauds)

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, you have got to come see him. 
               He is so terrific.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe he'll write a song about you.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Right. (laughing) Like that really 
               matters.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So I take it he's spongeworthy?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, he's a musician. I guess they're 
               supposed to be very, you know, uninhibited 
               and free.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, actually, he's - he's not that 
               way at all.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. In fact, he....(moaning)

               
                             JERRY
               Come on. Come on.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't wanna!

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, you're among friends.

               
                             ELAINE
               (sighs) Well, actually, he, um, doesn't 
               really like to do... everything.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. It's surprising.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, it is. It is surprising. Does that 
               bother you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No. No, it doesn't bother me. I mean, 
               it would be nice. I'm not gonna lie 
               to you and say it wouldn't be nice.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Sure. Why not? You're there.

               
                             ELAINE
               Exactly.

               
                             JERRY
               But you said he was just coming out 
               of a very serious relationship. Maybe 
               he's, you know, still....kind of...he...not 
               gonna happen.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come 
               downstairs, help me get my stuff outta 
               the car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What stuff?

               
                             KRAMER
               I just came from the price club. I'm 
               loaded up, baby.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right. What are you, outta your 
               mind? Look at this. What did you buy 
               here? You will never be able to finish 
               all this stuff.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Course I will. These are staples.

               
                             JERRY
               A four-pound can of black olives? That's 
               a staple?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Lindsay olives, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               A forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles? 
               A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds 
               of cocktail meatballs?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               $17.50. You can't beat that.

               
                             JERRY
               Look...look at this can of tuna!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna don't 
               make their cut.
 
               
                             JERRY
               This isn't for a person. This is for 
               Biosphere 3.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Clyde!

               
                             CLYDE
               Hey, Kramer! What's happening, dude?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Ahh. Hey, this is Jerry here.
 
               
               
                             CLYDE
               How ya doin'?

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, Clyde, he plays backup with 
               John Germaine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               John Germaine? That is amazing. I was 
               just talking about him upstairs with 
               Elaine.
 
               
                             CLYDE
               Oh yeah?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are 
               goin' out. They're pretty hot and heavy.
 
               
               
                             CLYDE
               Is that right?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, how 'bout giving me a hand? You 
               know, bring some of this stuff upstairs.
 
               
               
                             CLYDE
               Oh, sorry Kramer, I got to watch the 
               hands. My hands are my life.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Georgie, can you zip me up?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Yeah, one second.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, come on!

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. All right. Let's not get 
               into panic mode! Let's not make a big 
               deal outta this thing or we're never 
               gonna get through this night.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Well, I'm meeting your in-laws, I think 
               I should look nice.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               My in-laws. Oh, my....

               
                             FRANK
               So, what do you think? Your old man 
               can look pretty good when he wants to, 
               huh?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I don't like that tie.

               
                             FRANK
               What's the matter with this tie? I've 
               hardly worn it.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               It's too thin. They're wearing wide 
               now.
 
               
                             FRANK
               How do you know what kind of ties they 
               wear?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Go to any office building on 7th Avenue 
               and tell me if there's
 
               
               anyone there wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead!

               
                             FRANK
               Oh, get the hell outta here. 7th Avenue.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               George, do you think he should wear 
               a tie like that?
 
               
                             FRANK
               Huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               I think he should wear whatever tie 
               he wants.
 
               
                             FRANK
               We gotta stop off and pick up a marble 
               rye from Schnitzer's.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               It's out of our way. Why can't we pick 
               up something at Lord's?
 
               
               It's right over here.

               
                             FRANK
               No! We have to go to Schnitzer's! I'll 
               show these people something
 
               
               about taste!

               
                             GEORGE
               This is gonna be fun.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, you'll never guess who I bumped 
               into. This guy Clyde. He's in
 
               
               your friend John Germaine's band there.

               
                             ELAINE
               So what did he have to say?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing. I told him you two were pretty 
               hot and heavy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hot and heavy? You said hot and heavy?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               What did you do that for?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               What if he tells John? Then John's gonna 
               think that I think that
 
               
               we're hot and heavy. I don't want John thinking that I'm hot 
               and
 
               
               heavy if he's not hot and heavy.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm trying to get a little squirrel 
               to come over to me here. I don't
 
               
               wanna make any big, sudden movements. I'll frighten him away.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, Clyde might not tell him.

               
                             ELAINE
               How do you know that?

               
                             JERRY
               I should have helped Kramer with those 
               packages.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh!

               
               (Kramer, walking down hall to his apartment, his arms loaded 
               with dozens of
 
               
               pop cans, falls forward, spilling cans about in hallway)

               
                             DENNIS
               Let me give you a hand. Hey, Kramer. 
               I wonder, could you do me a
 
               
               favor? I'm taking the family to Disneyworld next week. I wonder...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh-huh.

               
                             DENNIS
               I wonder, could you pick up my mail?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Sure. Sure.

               
                             DENNIS
               In fact, you know what, how would you 
               like to take my hansom cab for
 
               
               the week?

               
                             KRAMER
               Drive the horse?

               
                             DENNIS
               It'll just be sitting there. You can 
               really clean up. 500 bucks a
 
               
               day. I'll split it with ya.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, giddyup. Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               This is delicious, Mrs. Ross.

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Oh.

               
                             MR. ROSS
               What are you complimenting her for? 
               She didn't make it Rowenna did.
 
               
                             FRANK
               What is this thing anyway?

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               It's Cornish gamehen.

               
                             FRANK
               What is that, like a little chicken?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. 
               (laughing) Little chicken. It's
 
               
               a gamebird.

               
                             FRANK
               Gamebird?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             FRANK
               What do you mean? Like, you - you hunt 
               it?
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               Yes.

               
                             FRANK
               How hard could it be to kill this thing?
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               I couldn't help but notice that you 
               have quite a library in there.
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               If I had a dime for every book he's 
               actually read, (laughing) I'd
 
               
               be broke.

               
                             SUSAN
               More wine anyone?

               
                             FRANK
               Yeah. I'll take some.

               
                             SUSAN
               Hmmm?

               
                             FRANK
               Thank you.

               
                             SUSAN
               How do you like the Merlot?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Merlot? I never heard of it. Did they 
               just invent it?
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Oh, mother.

               
                             GEORGE
               She's, uh, she's heard of Merlot.

               
                             FRANK
               Let me understand, you got the hen, 
               the chicken and the rooster. The
 
               
               rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the 
               hen?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why don't we talk about it another time.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               But you see my point here? You only 
               hear of a hen, a rooster and a
 
               
               chicken. Something's missing!

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Something's missing all right.

               
                             MR. ROSS
               They're all chickens. The rooster has 
               sex with all of them.
 
               
                             FRANK
               That's perverse.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did anybody see Firestorm?

               
                             MR. ROSS
               Firestorm, that's a hell of a picture.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             MR. ROSS
               Remember when they had the helicopter 
               land on top of that car --
 
               
                             FRANK
               Hey! Hey! Come on! Come on! I haven't 
               seen it yet.
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               It doesn't have anything to do with 
               the plot!
 
               
                             FRANK
               Still! Still! I like to go in fresh!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh mother of God.

               
               (clip clop)

               
                             KRAMER
               Of course, uh, this is Central Park. 
               Uh, this was designed in 1850 by
 
               
               Joe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern 
               armies
 
               
               could practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On
 
               
               
               Rusty!

               
               (applause)

               
                             JOHN
               Thank you. Now, I'd like to play something 
               th -- well, actually, it's
 
               
               my latest so it's nice and fresh. It's called " Hot And Heavy."
 
               
               
               (saxophone playing)

               
                             GEORGE
               Thank God that's over.

               
                             ESTELLE
               The mother seems to hit the sauce pretty 
               hard. I didn't like that.
 
               
                             FRANK
               And who doesn't serve cake after a meal? 
               What kind of people? Would it
 
               
               kill them to put out a pound cake? Something!

               
                             GEORGE
               So, they didn't give you a piece of 
               cake? Big deal.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               It is a big deal. You're supposed to 
               serve cake after a meal. I'm
 
               
               sorry. It's impolite.

               
                             FRANK
               Not impolite...it's stupid, that's what 
               it is. You gotta be stupid to
 
               
               do something like that!

               
                             ESTELLE
               Your father's absolutely right. We're 
               sitting there like idiots
 
               
               drinking coffee without a piece of cake!

               
                             GEORGE
               What is this? The marble rye?

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Oh, dear. I forgot to put out that - 
               that bread they brought.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               We forgot to bring it in.

               
                             FRANK
               No, I brought it in. They never put 
               it out.
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Where is it?

               
                             SUSAN
               I don't know. Where'd you put it?

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Right over there.

               
                             SUSAN
               Well, it's gone.

               
                             GEORGE
               You stole the bread?

               
                             FRANK
               What do you mean stole? It's my bread. 
               They didn't eat it. Why should
 
               
               I leave it there?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because we brought it for them!

               
                             FRANK
               Apparently, it wasn't good enough for 
               them to serve.
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Is it possible they took it back?

               
                             SUSAN
               Who would bring a bread and take it 
               back?
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               Those people, that's who. I think they're 
               sick.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               People take buses to get that rye.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe they forgot to put it out!

               
                             FRANK
               Aw, they didn't forget to put it out! 
               It's deliberate! Deliberate, I
 
               
               tell ya!

               
                             JERRY
               He stole back the rye?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why? Why? 'Cause he's off his rocker! 
               That's why.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, do the Ross's know?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. They're all very suspicious.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why wouldn't they be? A rye bread doesn't 
               just disappear.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Now, because of that stupid rye bread, 
               I gotta keep them all
 
               
               separated for the rest of my life.

               
                             JERRY
               Bad situation.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd 
               like to replace that rye.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean replace it?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, you go out, you get another 
               rye. Of course, it would have
 
               
               to be the same one from Schnitzer's. You put it in the kitchen
 
               
               
               somewhere and you say Ohh! There it is.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, there ya go. What's so hard about 
               that?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What's so hard about that? How am I 
               supposed to get it in there? I
 
               
               can't just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the
 
               
               
               apartment!

               
                             JERRY
               All right. All right. Don't panic. Let's 
               just think about it. Get the
 
               
               Ross's out of the apartment. That can't be so hard. Wait a minute. 
               Wait
 
               
               a second. Wait a second! You know, Kramer's been driving that 
               hansom
 
               
               cab.

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, Kramer'll take them around for 
               a while.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And it's their anniversary Friday night. 
               I could send them for a
 
               
               hansom cab ride. Y -- you think they'd like that?

               
                             JERRY
               Are you kidding? People love it. There's 
               something about the clip clop,
 
               
               clip clop. They're nuts for it.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, they go off for the ride, by the 
               time they come back the bread is
 
               
               there.

               
                             JERRY
               What about Susan?

               
                             GEORGE
               She's working late that night. We're 
               - were supposed to have dinner
 
               
               with everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven
 
               
               
               o'clock.

               
                             JERRY
               Beautiful!

               
                             GEORGE
               You think Kramer'll do it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Of course I'll do it. I'd be happy to. 
               So, all I gotta do is be there
 
               
               at seven?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Just take 'em out and ride 'em 
               around for about..half an hour.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               What the hell are you doing there?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It's Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans. 
               You want some?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. No thanks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I think I bought too much at 
               that price club. I don't have any
 
               
               
               room for it all.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How 
               am I gonna get the rye bread
 
               
               into the apartment?

               
                             JERRY
               Just put it under your shirt.

               
                             GEORGE
               Have you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye? 
               It - it's huge!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'll tell ya what, I'll bring it over. 
               I'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll
 
               
               come by five after seven right after they leave.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, this is all locking in now. It is 
               all locking in! (laughing)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey. Is that your horse outside?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. That's Rusty.

               
                             GEORGE
               What? He's outside?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh-huh.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aw, come on. I wanna go see him.

               
                             KRAMER
               You wanna go see him?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Hey! Hey!

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll show ya Rusty.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Lainey, wanna see the horsey?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you really did me in this time, 
               didn't ya? First guy I like in
 
               
               a really long time. I mean, we're getting along, everything is 
               just
 
               
               great. I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and 
               then
 
               
               you have to come along with your hot and your heavy.

               
                             JERRY
               So, you think Clyde told him?

               
                             ELAINE
               He wrote a song about it!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, maybe it's a good thing.

               
                             ELAINE
               No! It's not a good thing! It's a bad 
               thing! Do you know what this is
 
               
               like? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel 
               sick
 
               
               to your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, but I've read articles and I must 
               say it, doesn't sound very
 
               
               pleasant.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, one of these days, something 
               terrible is gonna happen to you.
 
               
               It has to!

               
                             JERRY
               No. I'm gonna be just fine, but as far 
               as your situation, you're
 
               
               seeing him tonight so talk to him about it.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't! He's got a big showcase for 
               record producers at his late
 
               
               show tonight. I don't wanna upset him. Aw, what the hell, I'll 
               upset
 
               
               him.

               
                             MR. ROSS
               Yeah George, I gotta tell ya, this is 
               a very nice gesture. We
 
               
               really appreciate it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aw, well, you know, it's your anniversary. 
               It's - it's the least I
 
               
               can do. I - I just want you guys to go out and have a good time. 
               Ha
 
               
               ha. So, you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs?

               
                             MR. ROSS
               Oh, we got about twenty minutes. You, 
               uh, seem a little nervous
 
               
               George. Anything wrong?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Nothing. I'm 
               fine. Everything's fine. Fine.
 
               
               Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all. Could 
               I, uh,
 
               
               could I get a glass of water?

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               We've got water. I don't think we have 
               any bread, but we've got
 
               
               water.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. There ya go. That's Beef-A-Reeno.
 
               
               
               (singing) I'm so keen-o

               
               On Beef-A-Reeno

               
               What a delicious cuisine-o

               
               Fit for a king and queen-o!

               
               Yeah. Eat up. I got thirty four more cans.

               
                             MR. ROSS
               Nice night for a hansom cab ride, 'ay 
               George?
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               You know, George we haven't done anything 
               romantic like this in
 
               
               ....years.

               
                             GEORGE
               (thinking) Oh my God, it's 7:01. What 
               have I done? My whole plan is
 
               
               depending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I make 
               such a
 
               
               stupid mistake? He'll never show up!

               
               (clip clop)

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah ha!

               
                             GEORGE
               There he is. Right on time as usual.
 
               
               
                             COUNTER WOMAN
               53.

               
                             MABEL
               53. I'd like a marble rye, no plastic, 
               in a bag.
 
               
                             COUNTER WOMAN
               Ah! You're lucky. It's our last one.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second, that's your last marble 
               rye?
 
               
                             COUNTER WOMAN
               That's right.

               
                             JERRY
               There's none left?

               
                             COUNTER WOMAN
               That's what I said. Number 54.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, excuse me. I know this is gonna 
               sound crazy but I - I have to have
 
               
               
               that rye. It's a - it's a long story, but a person's whole future 
               may
 
               
               depend on it.

               
                             MABEL
               Well, I'm sorry, but you should have 
               got here earlier.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes. Well, be that as it may, if you 
               could just find it in yourself to
 
               
               
               give it up.

               
                             MABEL
               You're not getting this rye --

               
                             JERRY
               All right. All right. I'll tell ya what 
               I'm gonna do, I will give you
 
               
               double what you paid for it.

               
                             MABEL
               You're in my way!

               
                             KRAMER
               Ahh! Mr. Ross. Mrs. Ross. My name is 
               Cosmo and I'll be your driver for
 
               
               
               this evening. We have blankets for your comfort. I also have 
               hot
 
               
               chocolate if the mood should strike you.

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               My favorite.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, if we're all set to go, why don't 
               you two hop aboard and let me
 
               
               show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was. 
               Oh,
 
               
               happy anniversary. On, Rusty!

               
               (clip clop)

               
                             JERRY
               All right. Look, I'll tell ya what, 
               I'll give you $50. Now, be
 
               
               reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye.

               
                             MABEL
               No? Watch me.

               
                             JERRY
               Give me that rye!

               
                             MABEL
               Stop it!

               
                             JERRY
               I want that rye, lady!

               
                             MABEL
               Help! Someone help!

               
                             JERRY
               Shut up, you old bag!

               
                             MABEL
               Stop thief! Stop him! He's got my marble 
               rye!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly 
               like this. I know you've got
 
               
               your big showcase coming up later and I know how important it 
               is, I
 
               
               know how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell 
               you
 
               
               that I never told Jerry hot and heavy. I didn't think we were 
               hot and
 
               
               heavy. I mean - I mean, who's hot and who's heavy?

               
                             JOHN
               Whoa. Hold on, Elaine I.....I'm kinda 
               disappointed.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Disappointed?

               
                             JOHN
               Yeah. I mean, I was excited when Clyde 
               told me that.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You were?

               
                             JOHN
               Absolutely.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh! Whew! I am so relieved!

               
                             JOHN
               Listen, uh, I've still got a couple 
               of hours to kill before the next
 
               
               show. My place is only a few blocks from here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             JOHN
               And you know what?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JOHN
               I've been thinking about what we do 
               and I'm thinking..of...adding a new
 
               
               
               number to my, you know, repertoire.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh!

               
               (clip clop)

               
               (Rusty snorting)

               
                             KRAMER
               Y'aah!

               
               (clip clop)

               
               (Rusty farts)

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               (sniffing) What is that?

               
                             MR. ROSS
               I think it's the horse.

               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Oh, God.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, how's everything? You..you need 
               anything?
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               This is - this is...horrible.

               
                             MR. ROSS
               Excuse me,...what do you feed this animal?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you know, oats and hay. You know, 
               they like that stuff.
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               I can't take this. Let me out of this 
               thing!
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               Turn this thing around. We've had it. 
               We can't breathe back here!
 
               
               And hurry it up!

               
                             KRAMER
               Rusty! Rusty!

               
                             GEORGE
               (whistling)

               
               (clip clopping beginning in distance and growing discernibly 
               louder)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa!

               
                             GEORGE
               Wha - what happened? What are you doing 
               back so soon?
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               Ask Rusty.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never 
               knows how the
 
               
               gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function.
 
               
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Thanks for nothing! Come on, George. 
               Let's go upstairs.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What the hell happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               The horse is gassy. Must have been the 
               Beef-A-Reeno.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Beef-A-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-A-Reeno?!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I overbought!

               
                             MR. ROSS
               George.

               
                             GEORGE
               (muttering)

               
                             MUSIC GUY
               What's going on? Where is he?

               
                             MANAGER
               Uh...he'll be here soon.

               
                             MUSIC GUY
               I'll give him ten more minutes. I'm 
               not gonna stay here all night.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How much did you give him?

               
                             KRAMER
               Just a can. But he really liked it, 
               though.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry! Up here!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Hey, what do you want me to do 
               with this?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't come out. They're standing right 
               by the door. Throw it up!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Yeah. It's the only way. Come 
               on. What are you, kidding me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Will you get this horse outta here. 
               He's killing me. I can't get any oxygen.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't wanna go back on there!

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on!

               
                             JERRY
               (grunting as he throws bread into the 
               air)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (grunting) Hey! Hey, wait a second. 
               I got an idea.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No. No. Don't be silly, John, you were 
               very good. You just don't have to try 
               so hard. Good luck, honey.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Come on! Come on!

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second! I never baited a hook 
               with a rye before. Your hook is too 
               small. This is for, like, a muffin. 
               All right. Take it away.
 
               
               (George finally gets rye into apartment, turning around to discover 
               everyone staring at him)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Come on. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. 
               (grunting)
 
               
                             MANAGER
               Ladies and gentlemen, John Germaine.
 
               
               
               (applause)

               
               (John attempts to play saxophone, discovering that no sound is 
               being created by the instrument)
 
               
               
                             THE END



The Rye



Writers :   Carol Leifer
Genres :   Comedy


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