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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE SCOFFLAW



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               The big new accessory with eyeglasses, 
               seems to be that strap, that connects 
               in the back so you can take 'em on and 
               off. Which I don't get, because I thought, 
               if you have glasses, isn't that because 
               you need to wear glasses? 'You need 
               glasses', isn't that what they say? 
               I mean, an eye doctor doesn't say 'Would 
               you care for some glasses?' When people 
               have crutches, they don't havelike a 
               little chain attached to their belt, 
               so they can just let go of 'em every 
               now and then. Why not get a toupee with 
               a rubber band for when you're water-skiing, 
               the thing could just... (mimes semi-airborne 
               wig with hand)
 
               
               (Street)

               
               George hurrying along, he passes Gary who recognises him.

               
                             GARY
               Hey George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Gary? Well, well, well well. Where the 
               hell've you been? I've been
 
               leaving you phone messages for months.

               
                             GARY
               I know. I've been pretty busy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Busy. Don't give me busy. Who's not 
               busy? I'm busy, we're all busy,
 
               everybody's busy. All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy?
 
               
               
                             GARY
               Mostly chemotherapy. 'Kay, I'll see 
               you.
 
               
               (Different Street)

               
               A cop, with an eye patch, is writing a ticket for a car. Kramer 
               is about to cross
 
               the street. He waits for a car to pass. As it passes, a tray 
               of litter is tossed
 
               from its window and lands near Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to car as it accelerates away) Hey 
               pig!
 
               
               The cop hears this and turns to see who said it. As he does so, 
               the car he is
 
               ticketing starts up and speeds away.

               
                             COP
               (at car) Hey! Hey! Hey!

               
               Kramer takes advantage of the distraction to run away.

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               So you called the cop a pig?

               
                             KRAMER
               I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean 
               this is my town. You don't throw
 
               trash on the streets of my town.

               
                             JERRY
               Didn't you explain that to the cop?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I fled the scene.

               
               George enters. He looks disquieted.

               
                             JERRY
               (to George) Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to George) Hey buddy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, uh...

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, I, I, I, uh, I need to talk 
               to Jerry privately.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. What about?

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer...

               
                             KRAMER
               Aw come on George, you can share it 
               with me, huh?
 
               
               Kramer grabs George in a headlock.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, you're hurting me!

               
                             KRAMER
               You gonna share it with me next time, 
               huh?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I swear, I swear!

               
                             KRAMER
               Aw, all right, I'm looking forward to 
               it.
 
               
               He releases George from the headlock and exits, but he closes 
               the door slowly
 
               and can be seen peering in through the decreasing gap until it 
               finally shuts
 
               completely. Jerry and George watch him until the door is closed.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Right, I got news. You ready? (deep 
               breath) Gary Fogel had cancer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, I knew.

               
                             GEORGE
               You knew? How did you know?

               
                             JERRY
               He told me a few months ago.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why did he tell you and not me?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               How are you closer to him than me?
 
               
               
               Jerry shrugs.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, is he okay?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in 
               bad shape for a while though.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his 
               death bed?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, he was on his regular bed.

               
                             GEORGE
               So why didn't you tell me?

               
                             JERRY
               He swore me to secrecy.

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               It's not like you're my wife.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I still think you shoulda told 
               me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, believe me, you were better off 
               not knowing. It's not easy to deal
 
               
               with someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I 
               almost made myself
 
               sick.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I wanna talk to him about this.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That's right, you let him have it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Mmm-mm.

               
                             JERRY
               Who is he not to tell you about his 
               life-threatening illness?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's what I'm saying.

               
                             JERRY
               His illness is your business.

               
                             GEORGE
               If not mine, whose?

               
                             JERRY
               If not now, when?

               
               The door opens and Elaine enters. She senses a conversation has 
               just ceased.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Were you just talking about me?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, an old friend of ours, Gary.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, the guy with cancer?

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's 
               not your wife!
 
               
                             JERRY
               If I told you, you woulda given it away.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You don't think I can keep a secret?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, but he would've read your face.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You don't trust my poker face?

               
                             JERRY
               Do you ever win at poker?

               
                             GEORGE
               (shamefaced) No.

               
               Door opens and Kramer enters. He sees Elaine.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your 
               old boyfriend on TV.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Egh, Jake Jarmel?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. I really liked those glasses he 
               was wearing. Where'd he get those.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why? You don't wear glasses.

               
                             KRAMER
               I know, I know. But I need a new look, 
               I'm stagnating.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I have to say, as a glasses wearer I 
               take exception to that. That's like
 
               
               me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I've considered that. (to Elaine) 
               Look, how do I get in touch with
 
               this guy?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, he's having a two day book signing 
               at Waldens.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, we had a really bad break-up.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The Jujy Fruits?

               
                             ELAINE
               (upset) Yeah, the Jujy Fruits.

               
               (Waldenbooks)

               
               A queue of people wait to have their hardbacks signed by Jake 
               Jarmel, who sits
 
               at a table, wearing spectacles with dark oval frames. Kramer 
               is having his copy
 
               signed.

               
                             JAKE
               Okay, K-Man, enjoy the book.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, thank you. Listen Jake, uh, where 
               did you get those eyeglass
 
               frames?

               
                             JAKE
               I can't tell you that.

               
                             KRAMER
               So you don't know where you got 'em?
 
               
               
                             JAKE
               Yes I do. But I don't want anyone else 
               to have them.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that's peculiar. (leaves)

               
               (Monk's)

               
               George and Gary sit in a booth. Among the other customers is 
               an attractive woman
 
               sitting in the corner, reading a book.

               
                             GEORGE
               Eh, there's that woman that never talks 
               to anybody.
 
               
                             GARY
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Every day she comes in, she sits at 
               that table and reads. Never talks to
 
               
               anybody.

               
                             GARY
               Oh, I talked to Debby Bibelo. She said 
               to say hi.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (pleasant surprise) Really? (admonishing) 
               You know Gary, I really have
 
               to say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide 
               in me.
 
               
                             GARY
               Well frankly, you can't keep a secret. 
               You know, you'd get two pair, the
 
               
               whole table knows.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I still think it was wrong.

               
                             GARY
               Right, well I'm sorry, all right. I 
               guess I was just thinking of myself.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (well, obviously) Yes.

               
               (Another street)

               
               Kramer is talking to the eyepatch-wearing cop.

               
                             KRAMER
               ...so I called the litterbug a pig, 
               not you. I like policeman. I wanted
 
               
               to be a policeman.

               
                             COP
               Yeah? So why didn't you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Scared of being shot.

               
                             COP
               Mr Kramer, let me tell you a story. 
               In nineteen-seventy-nine I ticketed 
               a
 
               brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a Church zone. That fine 
               was never paid, and
 
               since then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than 
               anyone in New
 
               York City. For sixteen years I pursued him, only to see him give 
               me the slip
 
               time and time again. I never got a clean look at his face, but 
               he's become my
 
               'white whale'. Mr Kramer, that day was yesterday! But thanks 
               to you, I don't
 
               know if I'll ever get that chance again!

               
                             KRAMER
               I like that eye patch.

               
               (Monks')

               
                             GEORGE
               (standing) All right, I'm gonna move 
               my car, my meter's up. Can't park in
 
               
               this city.

               
                             GARY
               (standing) Hey, George, listen. You 
               know that company I work for, they own
 
               
               that parking lot around the corner.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wha, that's a Kinney lot?

               
                             GARY
               Yeah, and there's a space opening up, 
               and I could get it for you. You just
 
               
               have to pay the tax on it. It'd be like, fifty a month.

               
                             GEORGE
               Fifty bucks a month, that's incredible! 
               Okay, thanks.
 
               
                             GARY
               All right, I got lunch, all right.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You still owe me a secret.

               
                             GARY
               All right, listen. There is something 
               I haven't told you, all right?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah?

               
                             GARY
               Yeah, but uhm, you can't tell Jerry.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What do think I tell Jerry everything? 
               It's not like he's my wife.
 
               
                             GARY
               Okay. Well, the thing is, I've been 
               living a lie.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Just one? I'm living like twenty. (chuckles) 
               What's yours?
 
               
                             GARY
               Well, I (laughs) I never actually had 
               cancer. (laughs) I'll see you.
 
               (leaves)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               Kramer and Jerry sit on the couch, Elaine in the chair. Kramer 
               and Elaine are
 
               talking, Jerry reads a magazine.

               
                             ELAINE
               So he refused to tell you where he got 
               the glasses?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (rising) Flat out refused! (walks past 
               Jerry, who moves his legs)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, isn't that just like him? (she 
               steps over Jerry's legs) You know,
 
               
               he has to be the only one who has 'em.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister. 
               (he opens the door to leave)
 
               Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? (she slams the door shut before 
               Kramer can exit) You told Jake I
 
               said hi?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe you did that! Why did 
               you tell him I said hi? I never
 
               said hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi?

               
                             JERRY
               I never heard her say hi.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's uh, common courtesy.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't 
               understand. He made the last
 
               contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup 
               relationship. If he
 
               thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.

               
                             JERRY
               It's like a game of tag.

               
               Elaine gathers her stuff together, ready to leave.

               
                             JERRY
               Where you going?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nowhere.

               
                             JERRY
               You're going to the book store to see 
               Jake Jarmel, aren't you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what if I do? (heads for the door)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well, 
               listen. If you're going there,
 
               (following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you 
               where he got
 
               those glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine!

               
               George enters as Kramer and Elaine leave. He closes the door 
               behind him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey. How'd it go with Gary?

               
                             GEORGE
               (shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine, 
               fine. (he removes his coat)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (suspicious) Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               (shifty) Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               You look like something's on your mind.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, that's your poker face.

               
                             GEORGE
               My regular face.

               
                             JERRY
               No it isn't. I've seen your regular 
               face. That is not it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What are you saying?

               
                             JERRY
               All right George, c'mon, what d'you 
               got? (sits opposite George)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I got nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               What you got, a pair of bullets?

               
                             GEORGE
               What you talking about?

               
                             JERRY
               Two pair? Three of a kind?

               
                             GEORGE
               Will you stop it?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh my God, you got a flush! You're holding 
               a flush!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't have a flush.

               
                             JERRY
               A full house? You got a full house? 
               Turn 'em over George, I wanna see
 
               
               'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you 
               got!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (broken, shouts) Gary Fogel never had 
               cancer!
 
               
               (Waldenbooks)

               
               Jake Jarmel is at the same table as before. Elaine is talking 
               to him. There are
 
               other people queuing behind her.

               
                             ELAINE
               So you see, Kramer took it upon himself 
               to say hi to you from me. When
 
               in fact it was an unauthorised hi.

               
                             JAKE
               You're saying you didn't say hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               That's what I'm saying.

               
                             JAKE
               So that's what you came down here to 
               tell me?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Correct.

               
                             JAKE
               You never said hi?

               
                             ELAINE
               Correct.

               
                             JAKE
               You still like me, don't you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Correct. (catches herself) What's that?
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Hey, I have been trying to get this 
               book signed all day.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (takes the book from the guy and signs 
               it herself) How can you say that
 
               I still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you?

               
                             JAKE
               Elaine, coming down here to say that 
               you didn't say hi is more of a
 
               gesture than if you did say hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, Jake... (realises his logic) I, 
               uh...
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               The doctors thought he had cancer, but 
               the surgery revealed he never
 
               actually had it.

               
                             JERRY
               So what was wrong with him?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing!

               
                             JERRY
               So he's been lying to me for two months?!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's right.

               
                             JERRY
               What kind of person is this? There's 
               only one other person who might be
 
               
               able to do something like this, and that's you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well...

               
                             JERRY
               I don't even think you could do it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I could do it.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I guess you could.

               
                             GEORGE
               (snorts) C'mon.

               
                             JERRY
               Did you know he was so worried about 
               losing more hair if he had to get
 
               
               chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at 
               the Hair Team For
 
               Men, just to put his mind at ease?

               
                             GEORGE
               You did that?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this 
               guy. (moves to pick up phone)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't 
               say anything. (rushes to take
 
               phone from Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             GEORGE
               (puts down handset) Because he'll know 
               I told you. Besides, he's giving
 
               me a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you're telling me, because you're 
               getting free parking, I gotta
 
               pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Well I don't like it. I don't like it 
               one bit! And, I'm supposed to see
 
               
               him tomorrow.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well you have to maintain the 
               same disposition too. You can't
 
               start acting any differently. You have to be nice.

               
                             JERRY
               Why didn't he tell me?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because you were being so nice.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think I can be that nice.

               
                             GEORGE
               (shouts) You be nice!

               
               George and Jerry turn their backs to other and angrily stalk 
               away from each
 
               other.

               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry enters. He looks around for Gary, and does a double-take 
               as he see him
 
               sitting in a booth, wearing a wig.

               
                             JERRY
               Gary?

               
                             GARY
               What d'you think? Check it out. (he 
               tries a number of expressions, turning
 
               
               his head side to side, to show off the hairpiece)

               
                             JERRY
               Is that from my gift certificate?

               
                             GARY
               Yeah buddy. You really came through 
               for me man. You've been so nice.
 
               (shakes Jerry by the hand)

               
                             JERRY
               (through gritted teeth) Yeah, well, 
               I'm glad you could take advantage.
 
               
               
                             GARY
               Hey, you know what I'm thinking of doing? 
               I'm getting rid of all my
 
               fillings, 'cos that mercury's toxic. Hey, let me see your fillings.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't think so.

               
                             GARY
               Oh come on, open up. Let me take a look.
 
               
               
               Jerry can be seen struggling against his instincts. He hears 
               George's words from
 
               earlier.

               
                             GEORGE
               You be nice! He's giving me a parking 
               space (echoes) parking
 
               space... parking space...

               
               Jerry leans forward and opens his mouth, but he's not happy about 
               it.
 
               
                             GARY
               (peering in) Well, what d'you know. 
               Hey, lookee there, you're loaded.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Okay. (shuts mouth)

               
                             GARY
               Hey, look who's over there. Miss Cool-toes. 
               Check this out, Jack! (rises)
 
               
               Kramer enters. He's wearing an eyepatch like the cop's.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to Jerry) Hey buddy.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. Look at you. Wha... what's this?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It's an eyepatch.

               
                             JERRY
               You look like a pirate.

               
                             KRAMER
               I wanna be a pirate.

               
                             JERRY
               (gesturing) This is Gary.

               
                             KRAMER
               (to Gary) How you doing?

               
                             GARY
               All right.

               
               Kramer goes to shake Gary by the hand, but due to his impaired 
               vision, he misses
 
               by several inches at the first attempt. He lifts the patch up 
               to restore his
 
               depth perception. They shake, and Gary leaves to talk to the 
               'girl who never
 
               talks'. Kramer moves to sit in the vacant seat.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I tell you there's only one problem.
 
               
               
               Kramer sits down, misjudges the seat and almost slides under 
               the table. He
 
               upsets plates and glasses.

               
                             JERRY
               Can't see on your right side?

               
                             KRAMER
               No. It's uh, (swaps patch to the other 
               eye) it's itchy
 
               
               (George's car)

               
                             DEBBY
               Nice car.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Once belonged to Jon Voight.
 
               
               
                             DEBBY
               So, what made you just call me out of 
               the blue like that?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, well, uh. Gary told me you said 
               hi.
 
               
                             DEBBY
               I didn't say hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               You didn't?

               
                             DEBBY
               Uh, no. I told him to send you my regards. 
               I didn't say hi.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Regards?

               
                             DEBBY
               Yeah, regards.

               
               (Cab)

               
                             ELAINE
               Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to 
               the bookstore to tell him I didn't
 
               
               say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug. Oh, I hate smugness. 
               Don't you hate
 
               smugness?

               
                             CABBIE
               (heavy accent) Smugness is not a good 
               quality.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (looking out of window) Oh my God. That 
               man over there. I think he's
 
               wearing glasses that look just like Jake's. Pull over, stop the 
               car. (hands
 
               money to cabbie as she exits) Here, here. I think I got a way 
               of getting back at
 
               my ex-boyfriend.

               
                             CABBIE
               Good. Revenge is very good.

               
               (Street)

               
               Elaine is running after a guy who is indeed wearing identical 
               spectacles to Mr
 
               Jarmel.

               
                             ELAINE
               (calling down street) 'Scuse me! 'Scuse 
               me. (catches up to guy) Excuse
 
               me, sir. Sir?

               
                             GUY
               Yes?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh. Ah, if you don't mind my asking, 
               could you tell me where you got
 
               your glasses?

               
                             GUY
               Malaysia.

               
                             ELAINE
               Malaysia?

               
                             GUY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uhm, look, I know this'll sound odd, 
               but can I buy them from you?
 
               
                             GUY
               Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (positive) Oh! (little chuckle)

               
                             GUY
               But I, I can barely see without these.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               C'mon.

               
                             GUY
               Well, these were expensive.

               
                             ELAINE
               Let's start the bidding.

               
               (George's car)

               
                             GEORGE
               So, you didn't think this was a date?
 
               
               
                             DEBBY
               N... no, not really. Why, is it... a 
               date?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I thought it was a date.

               
                             DEBBY
               No. It's not a date.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about the regards?

               
                             DEBBY
               Regards don't mean anything. I mean, 
               it's not like I said hi. Hey, the
 
               
               fact is... (sighs) I shouldn't say anything.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, tell me.

               
                             DEBBY
               Can you keep a secret?

               
                             GEORGE
               Me? Oh yeah.

               
                             DEBBY
               (deep breath) I never had feelings for 
               Gary until he got sick. But, h...
 
               
               he was so brave and... and gained such a wonderful perspective 
               on life. I... I
 
               fell in love with him.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, the guy's got some perspective there.
 
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               Jerry and Kramer in their booth.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, do you know what the Whip does?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What whip?

               
                             JERRY
               The Whip. In the Senate, in the House.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know in the old days, when 
               the senators didn't vote the way
 
               that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. (holds 
               imaginary
 
               whip) You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna 
               be big trouble.
 
               (cracks invisible whip and makes sound effect)

               
               Gary returns from talking to the 'girl who never talks'.

               
                             GARY
               She won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh no, 
               she won't say a word to anybody.
 
               Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack!

               
               (Street)

               
               The eye patch-wearing cop spots a familiar Dodge.

               
                             COP
               Well, well. The 'white whale'.

               
               He moves in for the kill.

               
               (George's car)

               
                             GEORGE
               (frustrated) Oh, look at this. There's 
               no place to park around here. I
 
               don't even know why they sell cars in Manhattan.

               
                             DEBBY
               Don't complain, at least you have your 
               health.
 
               
               (Street)

               
               The guy Elaine bought the glasses from is peering blurrily about. 
               It's clear he
 
               can barely see anything. He steps between cars and out into the 
               road.
 
               
               (George's car)

               
                             DEBBY
               George, look out for that man!

               
               (Monk's)

               
               The sound of tires squealing is heard from outside, followed 
               immediately by the
 
               crash of cars colliding. Kramer leaps to his feet and heads out 
               to investigate.
 
               
               (Street)

               
               The cop has obviously been distracted by the same noises whilst 
               writing a
 
               ticket. The scofflaw has taken advantage, and the Dodge squeals 
               away, passing
 
               Kramer as he emerges from Monk's.

               
                             COP
               (to escaping car) Hey! Hey, get back 
               here!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (looking after fleeing car) Newman! 
               The white whale!
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               Can you believe he sold his glasses 
               on the street?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can you believe someone would lie about 
               chemotherapy to get a wig? Would
 
               you do that?

               
                             GEORGE
               No. Definitely not.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.

               
                             JERRY
               And you know what else? He picked up 
               that woman in the coffee shop.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The one who always sits by herself?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               How did he do that?

               
                             JERRY
               Because he was brimming with confidence 
               from the toupee.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? And Debby told me that she fell 
               in love with him because he has
 
               all this perspective!

               
                             JERRY
               She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening 
               illness, so he can get
 
               some phony hair has perspective?

               
                             GEORGE
               (opening door to leave) He picked her 
               up?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Walked right over to her table.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wow. (he runs his fingers through his 
               hair, and then brushes the
 
               resulting fallout off his jacket)

               
               (Waldenbooks)

               
               Jake still at the signing table. People still queuing. Elaine 
               skips past the
 
               queue.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jake, Jake. Take a look. (puts on the 
               frames she bought) Aaw, see,
 
               you're not the only one who has 'em. I have them too.

               
                             JAKE
               Where did you get those?

               
                             ELAINE
               Malaysia. I was in the area.

               
               Jake thumps the desk in frustrated rage.

               
               (Newman's car)

               
               Newman is sitting alone. The door opens and Kramer jumps in.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               (surprised) Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Just drive.

               
               Newman puts the car in gear and sets off.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right. Now you listen, and you listen 
               good. I know who you are. You're
 
               the scofflaw.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (defensive) What're you talking about...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (interrupting) Ah, don't play dumb. 
               It's me, Cosmo.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               All right, so it's me. So what?

               
                             KRAMER
               You don't think I know how you're feeling, 
               every second of the day?
 
               Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from 
               behind. Sitting
 
               alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! 
               Now why didn't you tell me?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So you been living this secret the whole 
               time by yourself?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               (sobbing) Yes, it's been awful. I wanted 
               to tell somebody. (pleading)
 
               Help me Kramer! Help me!

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, all right, I'm gonna help 
               you.
 
               
               (Street)

               
               George and Jerry, walking together.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll try some on and see how they look. 
               It's just hair.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You ever see what that thing looks like 
               in the back? You got your natural
 
               
               little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming 
               down on top of
 
               'em.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, some of 'em look good. The ones 
               that look good you don't even know
 
               
               about.

               
                             JERRY
               What if you get involved with a woman? 
               How're you gonna tell her?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The way they make 'em these days, I'll 
               never have to tell her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you keep it a secret your whole life, 
               then at your funeral the
 
               mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought 
               you might want
 
               this'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh!

               
               (Monk's)

               
               Elaine and Mr Lippman, sitting in a booth.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               It's no secret that it's my dream to 
               have my own publishing house, and
 
               
               if this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna 
               do. If I can
 
               get this whole thing off the ground, then , you know, I think 
               I'll have
 
               something for you. (laughs)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Mr Lippman. (joins laughter) That 
               is so exciting. I mean, you have
 
               no idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks.
 
               
               
                             LIPPMAN
               Yeah, by the way, those are great glasses.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh really, you like 'em?

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Uh huh. Very unusual.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you know what? (removes glasses)
 
               
               
                             LIPPMAN
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               (hands them over) You can have 'em.
 
               
               
                             LIPPMAN
               Oh, no no no. (waves them away) Please.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No no no no. Go to that place on the 
               corner, they'll change the
 
               prescription in an hour. Take 'em.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I've no use for them anymore. 
               Honestly.
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               (accepting) I could use a new pair of 
               reading glasses.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               They're from Malaysia.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               (putting on spectacles) Oh yeah?

               
                             ELAINE
               (admiring gasp) Fabulous.

               
               (Courtroom)

               
               Newman stands before a female Judge. Kramer stands beside him. 
               There are the
 
               usual personnel for a courtroom.

               
                             JUDGE
               Well Mr Newman, in all my years on the 
               bench, I have never come across
 
               anything quite like this. I have given this matter some very 
               serious
 
               consideration and I've decided that what's best for the city 
               and possibly for
 
               yourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage...

               
               Newman bursts into anguished tears.

               
                             JUDGE
               ...convenient to your home.

               
                             NEWMAN
               (sobbing) I can't afford that!

               
                             JUDGE
               Afford it you will, Mr Newman. Or this 
               court will see that your car is
 
               impounded...

               
               Newman's sobbing reaches new heights.

               
                             JUDGE
               ...and sold at auction.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, don't you worry, your honour. 
               He's in my custody.
 
               
               The judge peers at Kramer. She does not look impressed by this 
               statement.
 
               
               (Hair Team For Men)

               
               George, Jerry and a Salesman, wearing a substandard toupee, are 
               in a fitting
 
               room (?). George is sitting before a mirror, trying on a wig, 
               assisted by the
 
               salesman, while Jerry looks on.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) Well, what d'you think?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (unimpressed) I, really can't say.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, say. I want you to say.

               
                             JERRY
               It's not good, okay. It's not good. 
               You look (searches for word) stupid.
 
               
               (to salesman) I'm sorry.

               
                             SALESMAN
               You have to realise this has not been 
               custom-fitted to his scalp.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (examining reflection) I really think 
               this looks pretty good.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, 
               move down to Miami Beach and get
 
               the whole thing over with?

               
                             GEORGE
               (to salesman) Well, maybe you could 
               show me something else.
 
               
                             SALESMAN
               As I said, it'll be different once we 
               design something specifically
 
               for you. But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the 
               only one being helpful!
 
               
                             SALESMAN
               (getting annoyed) No, I don't think 
               you're being helpful! I think
 
               you're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your 
               friend here to
 
               improve his life!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey! I'm trying to prevent my friend 
               from becoming one of those guys
 
               people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous! 
               No offence to
 
               you personally!

               
                             SALESMAN
               (angry) All you people with hair think 
               you're so damn superior! You
 
               have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom 
               of your tub and
 
               see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with 
               that?! (looks ready
 
               to punch Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               All right! Take it easy! Take it easy.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (leaps to feet) Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Please. (sits again)

               
               The door opens and Gary enters. He's humming to himself.

               
                             GARY
               Hey Jerry, th... (spots George) George, 
               you decided to get a rug! Good for
 
               
               you, Jack!

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm, I'm just looking.

               
                             GARY
               Oh. (to salesman) Uh, Tommy, I'm gonna 
               need a little adjustment.
 
               
                             SALESMAN
               I'll be right with you.

               
               The salesman/Tommy leaves.

               
                             GARY
               Listen, George, I got some bad news. 
               I'm not gonna be able to give you
 
               
               that parking space.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GARY
               This judge has to use it for some scofflaw. 
               And you know you can't fight
 
               City Hall.

               
               Jerry gives a questioning look to George, who responds with a 
               'go ahead'
 
               expression.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, Gary (slams shut the door) 
               I had a little chat with George the
 
               
               other day...

               
                             GARY
               (to George) You didn't?!

               
                             GEORGE
               (admiring himself in mirror) I did.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (advancing on Gary) ...and he told me 
               that that... (becomes indistinct)
 
               
               
               We see George continuing to admire himself as, off-camera, Gary 
               and Jerry are
 
               heard struggling for possession of Gary's wig.

               
                             GARY
               (indistinct) I'm not a hundred percent 
               recovered yet!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Gimme that thing!

               
               (Monk's)

               
               Typical number of customers. George enters, wearing his new toupee. 
               One or two
 
               of the staff give him a glance. He looks around, and taps the 
               counter by the
 
               cash register. A beautiful brunette sitting at the nearest table 
               give him an
 
               admiring look.

               
                             GEORGE
               How's your life? All right?

               
                             WOMAN
               Yeah, not bad at all.

               
               She pushes the chair opposite her out from the table in an invitation 
               for George
 
               to sit down. George looks pleasantly surprised by the beneficial 
               effects of his
 
               hairpiece.

               
               (Press conference)

               
               Mr Lippman and Jake Jarmel are on a small stage with a lectern. 
               In front of it
 
               are a group of reporters and, amongst them sits Elaine.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               (at lectern) And now, uh, ladies and 
               gentlemen of the press, it is my
 
               pleasure to introduce you to Mr Jake Jarmel. (he applauds Jake 
               as he vacates the
 
               lectern in his favour)

               
               There is a brief ripple of applause as Jake steps up to take 
               questions.
 
               
                             REPORTER
               So Jake, what's your percentage on this 
               book?
 
               
               Several of the reporters laugh, as does Jake. Mr Lippman steps 
               back to the
 
               lectern. He has some notes, and is extracting his glasses from 
               his pocket.
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               Oh, actually I, uh, I have some very 
               interesting information on that.
 
               (puts on glasses) You know, uh, this is a co-venture and as...
 
               
               
                             JAKE
               (notices glasses) Where did you get 
               those?
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               ... as such, it...

               
                             JAKE
               Those glasses, where did you get those 
               glasses?
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               (confused) Where... what?

               
                             JAKE
               (to Elaine) Is this supposed to be some 
               kind of a joke on me? Because it's
 
               
               not very funny. (to the nonplussed Lippman) Give me those! (yelling) 
               I want the
 
               glasses! Give me those!

               
               He tries to pull them from Lippman's face, and a struggle ensues. 
               Jake can be
 
               heard demanding the glasses. The reporters endeavour to get a 
               view of the noisy
 
               fracas. Elaine rises and begins to make her way toward the exit. 
               She is
 
               apologetic to her neighbour.

               
                             ELAINE
               (mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible) 
               look for some socks.
 
               
               
               
               
                            THE END




The Scofflaw



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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