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Movie Chat



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                           THE SECRET CODE



                             Written by

                       Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               They really got us trained to use that 
               cash machine now, don't they? We're 
               just like chickens in an experiment 
               waiting for that pellet to come down 
               the chute. You see people at the cash 
               machine; they're just there. Just, dit 
               dit dit dit dit dit dit, they're waiting 
               for the sound, you know the sound, you're 
               waiting for the sound. That's what we're 
               trained to hear, the 'here comes the 
               money' sound, ya know? Flip flip flip 
               flip flip flip flip. It's exciting, 
               don't you get excited? It's coming! 
               It's coming! They're giving me money!
 
               
               
               
               
               (George and Susan are in George's apartment)

               
                             SUSAN
               Hey, I gotta get some cash, I'm gonna 
               run down to the ATM.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I better grab some too.

               
                             SUSAN
               I'll get it for you; just give me your 
               card.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You sure?

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah, just tell me your code.

               
                             GEORGE
               My code?

               
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry and George are at the coffee shop)

               
                             JERRY
               So why didn't you tell her the code?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No. No way.

               
                             JERRY
               George, you're gonna marry this woman. 
               Most likely.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It says very clearly, 'for your protection, 
               do not give your secret code to anyone.'
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you're taking relationship advice 
               from Chemical Bank now?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why does everything have to be 'us'? 
               Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there 
               be some things just for me? Is that 
               so selfish?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Have you ever given your code to anyone?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No one's ever asked. You want it? It's 
               'Jor-El.'
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Superman's father on Krypton.

               
                             JERRY
               Of course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna 
               tell me. It's eating you up inside. 
               Sing it, sister.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No. I am not giving my code to anyone 
               for any reason.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What if my life depended on it?

               
                             GEORGE
               If you're in some situation where some 
               fast cash will save your life, I'll 
               give you the code.
 
               
               Jerry stands up and begins limping.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's the matter with your leg?

               
                             JERRY
               My foot fell asleep.

               
                             GEORGE
               How'd your foot fall asleep?

               
                             JERRY
               I crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate.
 
               
               
               A friend of George and Jerry's walks up to the table.

               
                             FRED
               Hey Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Fred.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey Fred.

               
                             JERRY
               My foot fell asleep.

               
                             FRED
               You're lucky, at least you got something 
               to do.
 
               
               Elaine walks in.

               
                             JERRY
               Fred, do you know Elaine?

               
                             FRED
               No, it's nice to meet you. Well, I'm 
               outta here, see you guys.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, bye.

               
                             JERRY
               Seeya.

               
                             ELAINE
               Did you hear that? He said, 'nice to 
               meet you.'
 
               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             ELAINE
               So? We've met before. At Katie Ash's 
               party, we talked for like ten
 
               
               minutes.

               
                             JERRY
               And he didn't remember you?

               
               Elaine gets up to leave.

               
                             JERRY
               Where are you going, you just got here?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I gotta go talk to him.

               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine catches up to Fred on the street.

               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me, excuse me, Fred?

               
                             FRED
               Yeah?

               
                             ELAINE
               You just said, 'nice to meet you', but 
               actually we've met before.
 
               
                             FRED
               We have?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, at Katie Ash's party?

               
                             FRED
               What was your name again?

               
                             ELAINE
               Elaine. You don't remember our conversation? 
               I talked about how my
 
               
               uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey 
               Oswald?
 
               
                             FRED
               Not ringing a bell.

               
                             ELAINE
               When my uncle said to him, 'the president's 
               been shot' Oswald winked at
 
               
               him and said, 'I'm gonna go catch a movie'?

               
                             FRED
               Mmm, no.

               
                             ELAINE
               That was right when we were in front 
               of the bathroom door.
 
               
                             FRED
               The bathroom door. I remember someone 
               had played tic-tac-toe on it, and
 
               
               
               the X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom 
               right.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey that sounds great, I'd love to do 
               some TV commercials, that should
 
               
               really be fun.

               
               Kramer enters holding a police scanner.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh huh, okay, alright, bye. Huh, how 
               do you like that? I'm gonna do
 
               
               some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' 
               Larry
 
               
               himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow.

               
                             KRAMER
               Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I 
               bought this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's an emergency band scanner, 
               it picks up everything: Fires,
 
               
               harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. 
               Uh oh, we
 
               
               got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again, 
               I'd give it all up
 
               
               to be a fireman.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, those civil servants who risk 
               their lives really got it made.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed 
               of was steering the back of that
 
               
               big hook and ladder.

               
                             JERRY
               You're lucky they let you drive a car.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No no no, they're talking the West Side 
               Highway, at this time of day
 
               
               that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those 
               fools.
 
               
               Kramer runs out, Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               What was that?

               
                             JERRY
               (waving his arm in dismissal) Eh.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright. So, get a load of this. This 
               guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers
 
               
               every little thing about that night except me.

               
                             JERRY
               Really? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet 
               that many women.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you saying?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what's to be said? He didn't remember 
               you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, but why? I mean, ya know.

               
                             JERRY
               I know.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ya know?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know.

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh, lookit, you got the new catalog.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, you wrote a good piece on the 
               Himalayan Walking Shoe.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Too good. Peterman was so pleased, now 
               he wants to take me out to
 
               
               dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me.

               
                             JERRY
               Why would I wanna do that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh please, Jerry, please please please, 
               I can't sit with him, he tells
 
               
               these stories, it's gonna be awful.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, sounds like fun.

               
               
               
               
               
               George and Susan are at George's apartment.

               
                             SUSAN
               I want you to tell me, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why? Why is my code so important?

               
                             SUSAN
               Because, it's part of our relationship, 
               it's an indication of trust.
 
               
               We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I'm sure you have secrets from 
               me. I don't know anything about
 
               
               your cycles.

               
                             SUSAN
               My cycles?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I never know what's going on there.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Well from now on I'll keep you apprised 
               of my cycles.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Please.

               
                             SUSAN
               Anything else?

               
                             GEORGE
               We're out of Bosco!

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Leapin' Larry are in the office at the appliance store.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Howbout this, come one down to Leapin' 
               Parry's if you can beat our
 
               
               prices, we'll give you the store.

               
                             LEAPIN' LARRY
               Ya know I've always liked your comedy, 
               you don't take cheap
 
               
               shots.

               
                             JERRY
               No I don't.

               
                             LEAPIN' LARRY
               Sorry for keeping you here so long. 
               Again, I apologize for the
 
               
               mess. This renovation is killing me.

               
                             JERRY
               My foot's asleep again!

               
               Leapin' Larry walks out from behind his desk, he has a severe 
               limp,
 
               
                             LEAPIN' LARRY
               When I lost my leg in the boating accident, 
               I got so depressed
 
               
               about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give 
               up the business.
 
               
               But now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store.

               
                             JERRY
               You know what? I'll be with you in a 
               minute.
 
               
               Jerry stands and begins to 'walk off' his sleeping foot. A Leapin' 
               Larry's
 
               
               employee begins laughing.

               
                             EMPLOYEE
               That is a great impression!

               
               Leapin' Larry walks in, sees Jerry, and is obviously disappointed. 
               Jerry is
 
               
               embarrassed.

               
                             JERRY
               Larry, wait, you don't understand!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Kramer are in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               I just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making 
               fun of crippled people, is
 
               
               that what you've sunk to?

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell 
               asleep.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, oh your foot fell asleep.

               
                             JERRY
               Ya know, the guy has one leg and he 
               still calls himself Leapin' Larry,
 
               
               
               you'd think he had a sense of humor about it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you just joked yourself right 
               out of that commercial, didn't you,
 
               
               
               munjamba?

               
               Jerry's door buzzer rings, Jerry presses the button.

               
                             JERRY
               Yup.

               
                             VOICE
               Hup.

               
               A news bulletin is shown on the TV.

               
                             KRAMER
               Boy, look at that. Se that's that fire 
               I was listening to yesterday.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wow, the whole building burned down.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               They just don't know what street to 
               take. You remember that time I got
 
               
               
               us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes?

               
                             JERRY
               Of course.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's all up here, Jerry. All up here. 
               It's innate.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The amazing thing is you never have 
               any place to go.
 
               
               Kramer leaves, George enters.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where we gonna eat?

               
                             JERRY
               We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman 
               at the Chinese place.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything 
               about Peterman.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Of course not, if I did would you have 
               gone?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No way.

               
                             JERRY
               There you go.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't even know Peterman. How the 
               hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna
 
               
               have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would 
               much rather be
 
               
               off.

               
                             JERRY
               Trust me, you're off.

               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine bumps into Fred on the street.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi Fred.

               
                             FRED
               Um, hello?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's Elaine.

               
                             FRED
               Oh yeah, yeah, right.

               
                             ELAINE
               How ya doin'?

               
                             FRED
               I'm depressed. I got this new shirt, 
               the button fell off. Once the
 
               
               button falls off, that's it. I'll never fix it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, that's too bad.

               
                             FRED
               Yeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins, I 
               feel depleted.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm. I never take them.

               
                             FRED
               Cause they make you nauseous, right?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah! Yeah, that's right, you remembered!
 
               
               
                             FRED
               Do you wanna have dinner tonight?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmm. Tonight.

               
                             FRED
               What, you have other plans?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no no no, none that I can, um, remember.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and George enter a Chinese restaurant, we pick them up 
               in
 
               
               mid-conversation.

               
                             JERRY
               ...Alright, you're locked up in a prison 
               in Turkey, I have your wallet.
 
               
               The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you 
               to give me your
 
               
               ATM code.

               
                             GEORGE
               Call the Embassy.

               
                             JERRY
               They're closed.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Bomb threat.

               
                             GEORGE
               We're in Turkey?

               
                             JERRY
               Midnight Express, my friend.

               
                             GEORGE
               My card won't work there; they're not 
               on the Plus system.
 
               
               Mr. Peterman walks in.

               
                             PETERMAN
               You must be Jerry Seinfeld.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, 
               George Costanza.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               J. Peterman.

               
                             GEORGE
               J. Crew.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, is Elaine here?

               
                             PETERMAN
               Oh, Elaine just called, she won't be 
               joining us. Not to worry, I'll
 
               
               tell the maitre'd it'll just be the three bulls.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's going on? He still wants to have 
               dinner with us?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Without Elaine? What for?

               
                             GEORGE
               What, is he crazy?

               
                             JERRY
               We gotta get out of here. Come on; weave 
               your web, liar man.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George, what's the matter with you?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm choking!

               
                             PETERMAN
               Ah, Fong has been most accommodating. 
               Shall we?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Actually, you know I just remembered 
               I promised this comedy club that
 
               
               I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry.

               
                             PETERMAN
               I understand, no hard feelings. George 
               and I will miss your company.
 
               
               Fong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine.

               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine is waiting on the street.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe this, is this guy standing 
               me up?
 
               
               
               
               
               
               George and Peterman are eating dinner. Peterman is in mid-story. 
               George is
 
               
               disinterested.

               
                             PETERMAN
               ...And there, tucked into the river's 
               bend was the object of my
 
               
               search. The Gwon-Jaya River market, fabrics and spices traded 
               under a starlit
 
               
               sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona beret. Sizes 
               seven-and-a-half
 
               
               through eight-and-three-quarters. Price? Thirty-five dollars.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Howbout sports? Do you follow sports?
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment, Jerry has his feet up and a big bowl of popcorn 
               beside him on
 
               
               the couch.

               
                             TV ANNOUNCER
               It's fourth and inches and the Giants 
               are going for it! You
 
               
               gotta love sports!

               
               
               
               
               
               Peterman is driving George home.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, this is very nice, but I really 
               could take a cab. Really.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Ha ha, nonsense, George. Besides it 
               gives me a chance to tell you
 
               
               about my latest trip to Burma where I discovered a very unusual 
               corduroy.
 
               
               The car phone rings, Peterman answers.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Peterman here. What? Oh no. Alright, 
               I'll be right there. (To
 
               
               George) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to 
               God we can make
 
               
               it there in time.

               
               Peterman makes a quick u-turn, pushing George's face into the 
               passenger side
 
               
               window.

               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine is on the phone with Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe you blew us off; we 
               were doing you the favor.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, Fred asked me out.

               
                             JERRY
               Fred?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, and then he stood me up. I don't 
               get this guy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You see what's going on here? You're 
               attracted to him because he can't
 
               
               
               remember anything about you.

               
                             ELAINE
               I am? But that's so sick.

               
                             JERRY
               That's God's plan. He doesn't really 
               want anyone to get together.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Anyway, so how was the dinner?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, when I heard you weren't coming 
               I made up and excuse and got the
 
               
               hell out of there.

               
                             ELAINE
               What about Georgie?

               
                             JERRY
               Nah, he didn't make it.

               
               
               
               
               
               Peterman's mother's house. She's in bed; Peterman is consulting 
               with the
 
               
               doctor.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Doctor, how is she?

               
                             DOCTOR
               She's too weak to talk but she'll be 
               happy to hear your voice.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Mama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for 
               you, mama.
 
               
               She looks off in George's direction.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having 
               dinner with your son.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Peterman's mother's apartment. George is sleeping in a chair 
               with a coat
 
               
               covering him. Peterman wakes him up.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Shake off the dew, my friend.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. What time is it?

               
                             PETERMAN
               It's morning. Thanks for seeing me through 
               the night. I'll make us
 
               
               a pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Who?

               
                             PETERMAN
               Momma. Just talk to her, George. The 
               doctor seems to think it
 
               
               helps.

               
               Peterman leaves, George attempts conversation.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi. I-I really should be getting back 
               to my fiancÚ, you know, we, uh,
 
               
               we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants 
               to-to know my
 
               
               secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing 
               is, you know, I
 
               
               would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You 
               uh, you wanna
 
               
               know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I 
               love that
 
               
               stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy, 
               that is a
 
               
               relief!

               
                             MRS. PETERMAN
               Bosco. Bosco.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, shhh.

               
                             MRS. PETERMAN
               Bosco!

               
                             PETERMAN
               Momma?

               
               George" Quiet, quiet! It's a secret.

               
                             MRS. PETERMAN
               Bosco! Bosco! Bosco!

               
                             GEORGE
               Shut up! Shut up!

               
               Peterman runs in.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Momma! What are you trying to say?
 
               
               
                             MRS. PETERMAN
               Bosco.

               
               Mrs. Peterman falls back in bed and closes her eyes.

               
                             PETERMAN
               She's gone. Bosco?

               
               Peterman looks at George, who shrugs.

               
               
               
               
               
               George and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know this whole thing never would 
               have happened if you hadn't
 
               
               bailed out on me at the restaurant.

               
                             JERRY
               I did not bail out on you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well why couldn't you include me in 
               your excuse?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why didn't you come up with your own?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I froze. I think I'm losing it.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no. I reached down and there was 
               *nothing* there.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             GEORGE
               Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, come on, just tell me your code 
               already. What is it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I am not giving you my code.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll bet I can guess it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Pssh. Yeah. Right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, 
               well, we can throw out
 
               
               birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for 
               you, you're a
 
               
               word man. Alright, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are 
               you? Well,
 
               
               you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts 
               you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               You're a portly fellow, a bit long in 
               the waistband. So what's your
 
               
               pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours 
               is a sweet
 
               
               tooth.

               
                             GEORGE
               Get out of here.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh you may stray, but you'll always 
               return to your dark master, the
 
               
               cocoa bean.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm leaving.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, and only the

               
               purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!

               
                             GEORGE
               I gotta go.

               
                             KRAMER
               If you could you'd guzzle it by the 
               gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Shut up!

               
                             KRAMER
               NestlÚ's Quik!

               
                             GEORGE
               Shut up!

               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine and George are at the funeral.

               
                             GEORGE
               What was that?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               You just checked your watch. Are you 
               thinking of bailing on him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I got a date.

               
               Mr. Peterman walks up.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Mr. Peterman.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Oh, Elaine. George, when momma said 
               'Bosco' she must have been
 
               
               trying to communicate something, a legacy, a dying wish perhaps.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling 
               on and on like a crazy
 
               
               person.

               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Peterman, you have my deepest sympathies. 
               Unfortunately, I've
 
               
               gotta get going.

               
                             PETERMAN
               You do?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, yes, actually we-we both do.

               
                             ELAINE
               I have a personal commitment.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, personal, I mean, we both uh...
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               What is it?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm speaking at a women's' rights conference.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's' conference.
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               I don't believe that for a minute. Well, 
               Elaine, it was good of you
 
               
               to stop by.

               
                             ELAINE
               My pleasure.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Fortunately, I still have George here 
               to help me through this.
 
               
               Elaine leaves.

               
                             PETERMAN
               You know George, growing up as a boy 
               in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor
 
               
               that momma had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Kramer busts in to Jerry's apartment, Jerry is putting on a jacket.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, you wanna come down the fire station 
               with me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Fire station?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts. 
               I'm gonna rock their world!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, so he took you back.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, we straightened it out, all is 
               forgiven.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know the important thing is 
               that you learned something.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No I didn't.

               
               
               
               
               
               Kramer is at the fire station, talking with the Captain.

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Well, Mr. Kramer, your list of short 
               cuts is most impressive.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and this is just the Upper West 
               Side. Wait until I get to the
 
               
               Village, then you're gonna see a magic show.

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Mr. Kramer, just about every week some 
               brash young hothead like
 
               
               yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier 
               colors for
 
               
               the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they 
               are.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry is back at Leapin' Larry's.

               
                             JERRY
               Anyway, thanks for having me back, and 
               sorry about the misunderstanding.
 
               
               
                             LEAPIN' LARRY
               Water under the bridge. Come on, I never 
               did get a chance to
 
               
               show you around the store.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh sure.

               
               Jerry stands up to find his leg is asleep.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, again? (Limping towards the door) 
               I'll be right there.
 
               
               Jerry stomps his foot on the floor a few times before he leaves, 
               he accidentally
 
               
               bumps a paint can which knocks over a can of flammable liquid 
               which spills onto
 
               
               some exposed electrical wires causing a fire.

               
               
               
               
               
               Back at the fire station, the alarm is ringing.

               
                             DISPATCHER
               Attention Company 390, structure fire 
               at Leapin' Larry's Appliance
 
               
               Warehouse.

               
                             KRAMER
               Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown. 
               You gotta take Amsterdam.
 
               
                             CAPTAIN
               Stay out of this, Kramer.

               
               Kramer sees the firemen slide down the pole and he gives it a 
               try. As he lands
 
               
               he bumps one of the firemen into the truck, then to the floor 
               in a daze.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Are you ok, cowboy? Where do you need 
               to go?
 
               
                             FIREMAN
               I drive the back of the truck.

               
               Kramer's face lights up.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you'd better take it easy.

               
               Kramer grabs a coat and helmet and heads towards the back of 
               the truck.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine and Fred are having dinner.

               
                             FRED
               Sorry about the other night but my mother 
               called, she couldn't find her
 
               
               pills. I had to go into Brooklyn to help her find her pills, 
               and they were
 
               
               right there in the medicine cabinet. Could you believe that?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh.

               
                             FRED
               The worst part is getting from the subway 
               station to the house. There's
 
               
               no transportation...

               
                             ELAINE
               What am I doing? I'm on a date with 
               this guy because he
 
               
               didn't remember me? He's demented, listen to him...

               
                             FRED
               ...I could have taken a cab but if my 
               mother saw me pull up in a cab,
 
               
               she'd start yelling at me, "Freddy! What are taking a cab for? 
               It's so
 
               
               expensive!" She's out of her mind. Eventually, you'll meet her.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               George and Peterman are sitting beside the casket.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Bosco. Bosco. Bosco.

               
               
               There's a big fire down the street, the whole block is going 
               up in flames!
 
               
               Peterman gets up and runs towards the door, he stops and looks 
               back. George is
 
               
               still sitting on the couch, looking up and shaking his head.
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               George!

               
               
               
               Inside the speeding fire engine.

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Gonna make a left onto Broadway.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I would advise against that.

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Who is this?

               
               Quick cut to Kramer driving the back of the fire truck.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's Kramer!

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Kramer?! What the hell are you doing 
               back there?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               DeSoto's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Outside Leapin' Larry's. Jerry is helping bring out appliances 
               as smoke pours
 
               
               from the building. A woman approaches Jerry.

               
                             WOMAN
               How did this start?

               
                             JERRY
               Beats me.

               
                             LEAPIN' LARRY
               Where the hell's the fire department? 
               I'm gonna lose the whole
 
               
               store!

               
               Cut back to Kramer on the truck.

               
                             CAPTAIN
               Kramer, get the hell off of there. You're 
               not trained to operate this
 
               
               equipment!

               
                             MAN ON THE STREET
               Hey, Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey!

               
               Cut back to Leapin' Larry's.

               
                             LEAPIN' LARRY
               Try the scanner, see if you can pick 
               up anything.
 
               
               Jerry turns on the scanner.

               
                             CAPTAIN
               What are you doing, Kramer?! You're 
               all over the road!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Don't worry, Cap, I can handle it!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer?

               
               Cut to Kramer losing control of the truck.

               
                             CAPTAIN
               You're losing control! Hard right! Hard 
               right!
 
               
               Cut to Jerry holding the scanner. he hears screaming, a crashing 
               sound, and
 
               
               then static.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, that's a shame.

               
               
               
               
               
               George and Peterman lead a group of people down a smoke filled 
               block.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               The fire will eat up this entire block!
 
               
               
               They come upon an ATM vestibule.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Look, there's a man in there. Get out 
               of there, you're in danger!
 
               
                             MAN
               But my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine, 
               it ate my card!
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               George, give me your ATM card!

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't have my ATM card.

               
                             PETERMAN
               George, you're obviously lying, anyone 
               can see that!
 
               
               George pulls out his wallet, Peterman grabs the card, fits it 
               into the slot and
 
               
               tries the door.

               
                             PETERMAN
               It's jammed! I'll slide it under the 
               door,
 
               
               The man grabs the card and slams it into the machine.

               
               
               
                             MAN
               Now give me your code!

               
                             GEORGE
               What?! Why?

               
                             MAN
               The machine won't open without the code!
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               George, give him your code!

               
                             GEORGE
               But I-I-I-

               
                             PETERMAN
               George, there's no time! Tell him your 
               code! Shout out your code,
 
               
               man!!

               
                             MAN
               The code!! The code!!

               
               
               
               
               
               George and Jerry are watching TV at George's, Susan walks in 
               and drops some mail
 
               
               on the coffee table.

               
                             SUSAN
               Hi. Here's your cash, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hm. Thanks.

               
                             SUSAN
               And here's your card back. Anyone for 
               Bosco?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh my god. Look at this.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hm?

               
                             PERRY
               It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
 
               
               
               (Jerry hands the catalog to George.)

               
                             GEORGE
               The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he 
               kept his card, his dirty little secret. 
               Short, devious, balding. his name was 
               Costanza. He killed my mother.
 
               
               
                            THE END



The Secret Code



Writers :   Alec Berg  Jeff Schaffer
Genres :   Comedy


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