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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE SECRETARY



                             Written by

                    Carol Leifer & Marjorie Gross




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               I don't even know what, what is supposed to be attractive about 
               fur?
 
               Why does a man want to see a woman in a fur? Men want women to 
               shave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows and then 
               before we go out, we dress them up like a bear.

               
               To me the only reason to wear fur, would be if you were trying 
               to sneak up on another animal. Did you ever see those tribal hunters where 
               they wear the fur and then they had the other animals, head on top 
               of their head? You know I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going, 
               
               Yeah, that looks real good. Yeah, I'm gonna turn my back on this goof 
               ball with the extra head. Because there's nothing fishy going on there.
 
               
               I'll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed               
               tigers with knees.

               
               
               
               Exterior of a Dry Cleaners -- then inside where Jerry and George 
               are talking, Jerry is holding a few items, waiting to drop them off 
               to be dry cleaned.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I am actually going to have a secretary 
               and I get to do the
 
               interview.

               
                             JERRY
               That's incredible. Six months ago you 
               were taking messages for
 
               your mother.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, and now someone's going to be 
               taking messages for me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               From your mother.

               
               (George & Jerry turn and move closer to the counter as a few 
               customers
 
               leave the store.)

               
                             JERRY
               So this ah, woman you plan on hiring, 
               is she going to be in the
 
               Spokes model category?

               
                             GEORGE
               Sure. I could go the tomato route. But 
               eh, I've given this a
 
               lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. I'll never get any 
               work
 
               done. So I'm doing a complete 360. I'm going for total efficiency 
               and
 
               ability.

               
                             JERRY
               That's a 180, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Whatever.

               
               (Jerry turns and walks up to the counter. George wonders about 
               the
 
               lobby area)

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Willie.

               
                             WILLIE
               Hey Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I got this stuff and ah my mother's 
               fur coat for storage.
 
               
                             WILLIE
               What are you doing with it?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, she keeps it in my apartment for 
               when she comes up from
 
               Florida.

               
                             DONNA
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             WILLIE
               Hey Jerry, you know my wife “Donna”.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's why I said “hi”.

               
               (Donna smiles and walks away)

               
                             WILLIE
               Hey, nice jacket. (looking over the 
               jacket)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Thanks. It's Hounds-Tooth.

               
                             WILLIE
               Whoa, this is a beauty. Great cut. It's 
               probably very
 
               flattering.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yes, it really accentuates my bust 
               line.
 
               
               
               
               
               Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's
 
               
               office where he is interviewing an attractive applicant for his
 
               
               secretary job.

               
                             APPLICANT
               Well, I type about 90 words a minute. 
               I'm completely
 
               well-versed in all IBM and Macintosh programs.

               
                             GEORGE
               (looking over her resume) Well Miss 
               Coggins you're ah, obviously
 
               qualified for the job. You've all the necessary skills and experience.
 
               
               But you're extremely attractive. you're gorgeous. I'm looking 
               at you,
 
               I can't even remember my name. So ah, I'm afraid this is not 
               going to
 
               work out (he crumples her resume into a ball) Thanks for coming 
               in.
 
               
               (the camera is now back on the applicant's seat, but another 
               even more
 
               attractive woman is seated there)

               
                             GEORGE
               You're luscious. You're ravishing. I 
               would give up red meat
 
               just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I'm terribly sorry. (both
 
               
               George and the attractive female applicant stand up as George 
               reaches
 
               across the desk and shakes her hand for coming in)

               
               
               (A very plain looking applicant now sits across from george)
 
               
               
                             ADE
               As you can see my references are impeccable. 
               I think I'd be a real
 
               asset here. My only concern is, I do take care of my mother. 
               So will
 
               there be any late nights?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't imagine.

               
               
               
               
               Exterior shot of Jerry's apartment, then inside where Elaine 
               is holding
 
               a garment bag and talking with Jerry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ok, So Barney's is having this huge 
               sale. I try this dress on
 
               -- (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) -- Stunning. Stunning. 
               I
 
               couldn't take my eyes off myself.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               OK, so then I put it on at home. It 
               looks like I'm carrying
 
               twins.

               
                             JERRY
               So you're saying, Store -- Hotsy-Totsy, 
               Home-- Hotsy-Notsy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go 
               over there and return it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I thought we were going to the movies?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               All right I'll try it on again. You 
               tell me what you think.
 
               (she turns and goes into the bedroom to change clothes)

               
               (George Enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey George

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat 
               next to the door) I'm
 
               telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George 
               claps
 
               hands) I don't know why I didn't have one before.

               
                             JERRY
               Because you didn't have a job?

               
                             GEORGE
               Perhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything 
               is organized -- messages,
 
               appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for 
               going
 
               with Ade.

               
                             JERRY
               A lesser man would have crumbled. They 
               would have gone for the
 
               “dish” and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.

               
               (Elaine walks back into the living room, modeling the dress, 
               arms
 
               extended straight out from her sides, elbows bent, with the look 
               on her
 
               face that says, huh ... what do you think? -- She walks towards 
               George
 
               and Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               It's a little ...

               
                             ELAINE
               All Right! (throws arms down) You answered 
               it right there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You got no waist in that thing.

               
                             GEORGE
               You arms look like something hanging 
               in a kosher deli.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I said, All Right.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well wha'd you buy it for?

               
                             ELAINE
               Why did I buy it, because in the mirror, 
               at Barney's, I looked
 
               fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi 
               Moore
 
               in Indecent Proposal.

               
                             JERRY
               How fast was she walking?

               
               (Elaine heads for the bedroom to change out of the dress, turns 
               and
 
               looks at Jerry)

               
                             GEORGE
               Demi? I thought it was Demi?

               
                             JERRY
               No. I think it's Demi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really? I never heard of a semi tractor-trailer. 
               (Jerry nods
 
               in agreement)

               
               (Elaine walks back in, still in the dress)

               
                             ELAINE
               Wait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute. 
               I know what's going
 
               on here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their
 
               
               respective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each 
               of them --
 
               they recoil with surprise)

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Skinny Mirrors! Barney's has Skinny 
               Mirrors, they make you
 
               look, like, 10 pounds lighter.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you're crazy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Am I? (hands on hips) Do you think I 
               would have bought this
 
               dress if I looked like this at Barney's?

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry, as Jerry nods in agreement) 
               You know I think she
 
               might have something there.

               
               (Kramer enters, seeing Elaine -- his head and upper body lurches
 
               
               backwards)

               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa. What are you all dressed up for?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh I'm returning this dress to Barney's.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Good idea.

               
                             JERRY
               Do it tomorrow. Well go to the movies.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah yeah, ok.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey look, if you're going there, maybe 
               you could pick me up some
 
               of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer 
               with Uva.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Moisturizer? That's girls stuff.

               
                             KRAMER
               No no, look. I'll tell you what -- they're 
               having a sale right.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll meetcha down there, well have lunch.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well we could ...

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, we'll get to know each other. 
               We never get to spend any
 
               time together. Oh sure we have our little group here, but ... 
               (he looks
 
               and gestures out towards George and Jerry, as Elaine walks back 
               into
 
               the bedroom to change out of the dress -- Kramer scratches his 
               head in
 
               sort of disbelief)

               
               
               
               
               Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium, then to George Costanza's
 
               
               office, he stands in front of a wall calendar, as Ade, his new 
               secretary
 
               takes down notes as to what George is saying.

               
                             GEORGE
               And then assuming the strike is resolved, 
               on April 14th, we, ah,
 
               play the Angels. So let's clear a floor at the Anaheim Hotel.
 
               
               
                             ADE
               Anaheim Hotel. (George picks up a container 
               of chinese food from
 
               the credenza) You may want to reconsider. I believe they only 
               have
 
               room service until 10 P.M. and then it's only finger foods.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ade, you're a wonder. (he he -- george 
               laughs)
 
               
                             ADE
               OK, now I projected some of those figures 
               for you regarding the
 
               switch to Canola oil for the stadium popcorn and surprisingly 
               it will
 
               only come to 1/2 a cent more per bag, so it is definitely doable.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ade, I have to tell you, I, I have never 
               met anybody so ...
 
               efficient.

               
                             ADE
               Well thank you, I'm flattered.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean you're just, you're just a marvel 
               of organization.
 
               
                             ADE
               Well I'm just, hm, doing my job.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's like I'm thinking of something, 
               and you're (snaps fingers)
 
               one step ahead of me.

               
                             ADE
               What can I say? I'm ... I'm good at 
               what I do. (smiling and
 
               quietly laughing proudly)

               
                             GEORGE
               (coyly, he looks down and runs his finger 
               along the top of the
 
               chair back in front of him) Do you, uh ... do you know what I'm 
               ...
 
               thinking about now?

               
                             ADE
               (thinking about the question, she stops 
               writing) Yes, I think I
 
               do. (she turns her head slowly and looks directly at him)

               
                             GEORGE
               Is it, uh, doable?

               
                             ADE
               It's definitely doable.

               
               (Ade throws her note pad and pencil in to the air, along with 
               her
 
               glasses. George grabs his glasses and takes them from his face 
               and
 
               throws them on the couch as he and Ade embrace in a frantic kiss 
               and
 
               slither down to the floor between the desk and the couch -- the 
               camera
 
               cannot see them on the floor)

               
               
               
               
               Outside a movie theater (The Paragon) Jerry and Elaine have exited 
               the
 
               theater and are walking slowly and then stop to talk, as other 
               movie
 
               goers leave the theater behind them - in the background, there 
               is a line
 
               of people waiting to buy tickets for the next show.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, that was the worst.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe they made the Wife the 
               killer. (putting on
 
               gloves) Gimme a break.

               
                             MAN
               (waiting in line for tickets, he overhears 
               Elaine) Hey, give us a
 
               break. We haven't seen it yet. Thanks a lot big mouth!

               
                             ANOTHER MAN
               (waiting in line, closer to the box 
               office) Yeah! (in
 
               agreement with the other guy)

               
               (Kramer rushes up to Elaine and Jerry)

               
                             KRAMER
               You got a pen?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I think I do.

               
                             KRAMER
               And I need something to write on.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I gust met Uma Therman. She's giving 
               me her telephone number.
 
               Uma Jerry, Uma.

               
                             JERRY
               Uma Therman? Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               How'd you manage that.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah well I don't have any time to talk 
               now. (he rushes back
 
               into the theater)

               
                             JERRY
               He's got the Kavorca. (looking towards 
               the theater door, Jerry
 
               notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Where?

               
                             JERRY
               He just went in. You know, I think he 
               was wearing my
 
               Hounds-Tooth jacket.

               
                             ELAINE
               What would he be doing wearing your 
               jacket?
 
               
                             JERRY
               It looked just like the jacket I brought 
               in to be dry-cleaned.
 
               He complimented me on it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you sure?

               
               (Kramer walks up, smiling gleefully)

               
                             KRAMER
               I got it. Uma, Uma, Uma. (looking at 
               the ticket)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You are amazing.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, all right. Taxi's on me. (he walks 
               off camera)
 
               
               
               
               
               Exterior shot of Yankee Stadium at dusk and then to George Costanza's
 
               
               office. (moaning) George and Ade are struggling to kneel and 
               undress
 
               while kissing.

               
                             ADE
               Ah no no no no no. A better way to reach 
               the bra would be to undo
 
               the jacket, then go around the back of the shirt.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ade you are incredible

               
               (as he unbuttons her jacket, they fall to the floor again -- 
               the camera
 
               cannot see them between the desk and the couch -- we see over 
               George's
 
               desk, keyboard, manila folders and then we see Ade's shoe in 
               the air
 
               above the desk)

               
                             ADE
               Oh ...oh ...oh ... Here, I want to show 
               you something. Hand me
 
               that pillow.

               
               (we see George's head and arm above the desk ridge, he grabs 
               a pillow
 
               from the couch and hands it to Ade. Her arm pulls him back down 
               to her
 
               on the ground)

               
                             GEORGE
               What? Oh, My God!

               
                             ADE
               Mr. CO STAN ZA!

               
                             GEORGE
               Ade, ahh, ahh, ah ... I'm giving you 
               a raise!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Exterior shot of the restaurant (Monks) then inside. George and 
               Jerry
 
               are sitting in the normal booth.

               
                             JERRY
               So you're having sex and then all of 
               a sudden, you just blurt out
 
               “I'm giving you a raise.”

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Just a quick sidebar here -- are you 
               in anyway authorized to give
 
               raises?

               
                             GEORGE
               Not that I'm aware of, no.

               
                             JERRY
               So you're so grateful to have sex, that 
               you'll just shout out
 
               anything that comes into your head.

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't think ahead.

               
                             JERRY
               Well maybe she'll just think it was 
               bawdy talk.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't say any other bawdy things.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe you could have sex with her again 
               and then take it back.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, you know you're not any help 
               at all here. I don't
 
               know what even the point is of talking to you anymore.

               
               (they stand up from their seats at the booth)

               
                             JERRY
               All right, all right. I'm sorry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I 
               can do is go into George
 
               Steinbrenner's office and tell him he has to give her a raise.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How long has she been there?

               
                             GEORGE
               3 days.

               
                             JERRY
               It's almost a week.

               
               (Jerry picks up several items of clothing from the booth, in 
               their
 
               dry-cleaning bags -- He is wearing his Hounds-Tooth jacket. George 
               and
 
               Jerry walk over to the cash register to pay for lunch. At the 
               register,
 
               Jerry reaches into his Hounds-Tooth jacket pocket, he pulls out 
               a movie
 
               stub)

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, My god.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show. 
               George, I think Willie the
 
               dry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes.

               
               
               
               Commercial

               
               
               
               
               Exterior shot of Barney's department store, street scene with 
               store
 
               windows. Then inside to Elaine, Kramer and the Barney's sales
 
               
               associate -- they stand in the women's clothing dept. (Zelda 
               is the name
 
               of the clothing line on the wall), outside of the dressing room 
               area.
 
               Elaine is wearing the dress she plans on returning.

               
                             ELAINE
               These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This 
               is false ...
 
               reflecting. And I think, that the department of ... you know, 
               whatever,
 
               would be very interested to know what's going on here.

               
               something else.

               
                             ELAINE
               OK fine. (smiling) I did like that little 
               Calvin Klein number
 
               right by the elevator. You know the little ... (motions in the
 
               
               direction of the elevator)

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ok thanks so much. (the Barney's sales 
               associate turns and walks
 
               away. Elaine turns to Kramer as he admires himself in the mirror) 
               What
 
               are you all dressed up for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well Elaine, when you're shopping on 
               Madison Avenue, you don't
 
               want to skip on the, swank.

               
                             ELAINE
               I like your little bag.

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh, oh hey, look at this. (he pulls 
               a little tube out of the
 
               bag) It's the super hydrating, triple-action moisturizer, hmm.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh.

               
               (Kramer opens the moisturizer and squeezes some onto his palm)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Wait till that Uma smells this Uva.
 
               
               
               (Elaine walks away into the dressing from area. Kenny Bania enters 
               the
 
               clothing dept.)

               
                             BANIA
               Hey Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Bania, what's happening? (Kramer, 
               looking into the mirror,
 
               is putting moisturizer under his eyes)

               
                             BANIA
               I'm looking for a new suit. I can't 
               find anything I like.
 
               That's a nice suit. (admiring Kramer's suit)

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, thank you.

               
                             BANIA
               Did you get that here?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, this is vintage. They don't make 
               this stuff anymore.
 
               
                             BANIA
               You're telling me.

               
                             KRAMER
               I sure am.

               
                             BANIA
               It's hard for me to find pants that 
               --
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (interrupting Bania) That don't make 
               you look high-waisted.
 
               
                             BANIA
               Yes

               
                             KRAMER
               Me too.

               
                             BANIA
               What size are you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, 42.

               
                             BANIA
               42, That's what I am now. I've been 
               working out, I'm huge.
 
               How'd you like to sell it?

               
                             KRAMER
               make me an offer.

               
                             BANIA
               100 Bucks

               
                             KRAMER
               Surely you jest. (walks away from Bania)
 
               
               
                             BANIA
               175

               
                             KRAMER
               Look at the stitching (takes the jacket 
               off to show Bania) This
 
               is old world craftsmanship.

               
                             BANIA
               300 dollars.

               
                             KRAMER
               Sold. Follow me into the dressing room.
 
               
               
                             BANIA
               You throw the shirt in?

               
                             KRAMER
               Bania, you're killing me.

               
                             BANIA
               Hey that's the women's dressing room.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               There's nothing in there that I haven't 
               seen before.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Daylight exterior shot of Yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) 
               then to
 
               George Steinbrenner's office. The camera is behind Steinbrenner,
 
               
               looking towards the door.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Opens the door, looks in and then knocks 
               5 times) Mr.
 
               Steinbrenner, (waves) can I talk to you for a second?

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Yes yes George. Can you talk to me for 
               a second? Of
 
               course you can -- I'm a very accessible man. I just wanted to 
               say
 
               you're doing great work on that Canola oil stuff.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know, to be honest sir -- 
               my, my new secretary Ade,
 
               came up with that one.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Ade, Ade, I like that name George.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               She supports her whole family. (walking 
               slowly into the room)
 
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Is that a fact George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, In fact, her mother is in the hospital 
               right now. It's
 
               some kind of a Diverticulitis. (he continues walking slowly towards
 
               
               Steinbrenner's desk)

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               I had a bout of that myself one time 
               -- knocked me right
 
               on my ass.

               
                             GEORGE
               She can't even afford to go out to lunch. 
               She's been eating in
 
               a high school cafeterias She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic.
 
               
               
                             STEINBRENNER
               What's that cost her, like, two and 
               a quarter? ($2.25)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know what I was just thinking -- 
               she could really use a
 
               raise.

               
               (Telephone rings -- Steinbrenner reaches for the receiver)

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               You know, she'd be better off making 
               a sandwich at home
 
               and bringing it in. (picks up the telephone hand set) Hello, 
               ah, George
 
               will you excuse me.

               
               
               
               
               Daylight exterior shot of Barney's department store windows, 
               with
 
               traffic driving by -- then to Elaine in the dressing room -- 
               she is
 
               almost done dressing in the Calvin Klein dress.

               Kramer climbs up the wall of his dressing room adjacent to Elaine's 
               --
 
               we see his head, top of his bare chest, arm and both hands over 
               the top
 
               of Elaine's' dressing room wall -- he is looking down at her.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Psst. Hey.

               
               (Elaine is startled and tries to cover her top, which is mostly 
               covered
 
               from the dress she is putting on)

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, what are you doing here?

               
                             KRAMER
               Listen, I need you to get me some clothes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I just sold my suit to Bania for 
               a cool three-hundred.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So go buy a new one.

               
                             KRAMER
               What, at this place? It would destroy 
               my whole profit margin.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So.

               
                             KRAMER
               Listen do me a favor -- just call Jerry, 
               tell him to bring me
 
               some clothes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ouhhh (Kramer disappears back behind 
               his wall as Elaine opens
 
               the dressing room door)

               
               
               
               
               Exterior shot of the Dry Cleaners store front, then to the interior 
               --
 
               Jerry enters as a female customer is leaving the counter with 
               her
 
               dry-cleaning .

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Willie.

               
                             WILLIE
               Hey, Jerry. You dropping off?

               
                             JERRY
               No, but ah, seen any good movies lately?
 
               
               
                             WILLIE
               You came by to ask that?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Specifically 9:30 shows. Seen 
               any good 9:30 shows at the
 
               Paragon, Willie?

               
                             WILLIE
               What are you gettin at?

               
                             JERRY
               I saw you the other night stepping out 
               with my Hounds-Tooth
 
               jacket.

               
                             WILLIE
               Jerry that's a breach of the dry-cleaner's 
               code.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You need a code to tell you not to wear 
               peoples' clothes
 
               
                             WILLIE
               I wasn't wearing your jacket. Jerry 
               you're imagining things.
 
               (he makes the circular motion next to his ears - the international
 
               
               symbol for “insane”)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips 
               out the movie stub and
 
               holds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket. 
               (throws
 
               the stub on the counter)

               
                             WILLIE
               Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand 
               each other -- I'll be
 
               taking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat 
               back too.
 
               
                             WILLIE
               Jerry, come on.

               
                             JERRY
               Now.

               
                             WILLIE
               Now? (Willie looks off with his eyes 
               to his left -- he is
 
               thinking about his wife Donna)

               
               (Shot of Donna wearing the fur coat, standing at a hot dog stand, 
               eating
 
               a hot dog)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens 
               his wallet, looking for
 
               the dry-cleaning ticket)

               
                             WILLIE
               Well ... ahh. (apprehensively)

               
                             JERRY
               Where's that ticket? Oh, Kramer.

               
                             WILLIE
               Wait, you, you mean to tell me you don't 
               have a ticket for the
 
               coat?

               
                             JERRY
               No, not on me.

               
                             WILLIE
               Well, I, I need to see that ticket.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why? I've got my cleaning before without 
               a ticket.
 
               
                             WILLIE
               Yeah, but this is different. Those fur 
               storage warehouses are
 
               huge. You can't, get anything without a number.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, I'll be back.

               
               
               
               
               Elaine inside Barney's, she stands in front of a full length 
               mirror.
 
               The sales associate behind her, giving advice on the dress.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah it looks good here, but what does 
               that mean?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know, I have to think about 
               it. (the sales associate
 
               walks away) I need a nonpartisan mirror.

               
               (Elaine looks around, like she is trying not to be noticed and 
               walks out
 
               of the clothing dept.)

               
               
               
               
               
               Daytime exterior of Yankee Stadium, then inside to George Costanza's
 
               
               office.

               
                             ADE
               I can't thank you enough, Mr. Costanza. 
               I'm so grateful
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, well, I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner. 
               I told him you
 
               have been doing great work. I said that you deserved a raise, 
               and if
 
               you didn't get it, that I, was leaving. (motions with both arms 
               in a
 
               circular motion to his right)

               
                             ADE
               It was just so generous.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, well, don't worry about it -- he's 
               got plenty of money.
 
               (spins his chair away from her)

               
                             ADE
               Oh I know, but Twenty Five Thousand.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (spins his chair back to face her) So 
               you got a $25,000 a year
 
               raise.

               
                             ADE
               Yes, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You're making more than I am.

               
                             ADE
               I am?

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you doing? You're making more 
               than I am. A secretary
 
               cannot make more than her boss.

               
                             ADE
               Well apparently they can.

               
               
               
               
               Elaine, in the Calvin Klein dress, is walking outside along the
 
               
               sidewalk, snow along the curb and store fronts -- It's obvious 
               she is
 
               cold without a coat. She checks out her reflection in a florist's
 
               
               window, then stops at the Love, Health & Beauty Aids store, where 
               the
 
               reflection is more like a mirror in the alcove of the store.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, this is insanity. I'm not this hippie. 
               (meaning her hips
 
               are not that large)

               
               (a man exits the store)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, what do you think of this?

               
                             MAN
               (with disbelief): You'll never pull 
               it off.
 
               
               
               
               
               Barney's Department store, inside the dressing room area, a customer
 
               
               knocks on the door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry.

               
                             FEMALE CUSTOMER
               Hey, what's going on in there?

               
               (Jerry enters the women's clothing dept.)

               
                             JERRY
               (to the Barney's sales associate) Excuse 
               me, could you tell me
 
               where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions?

               
               (Female customer walks up to the Barney's sales associate that 
               Jerry was
 
               just talking to)

               
                             FEMALE CUSTOMER
               This woman has been in there for over 
               an hour.
 
               
               (The Barney's sales associate walks into the dressing room area 
               and up
 
               to the dressing room door where Kramer is waiting for Jerry)
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Yeah) (through the door)

               
               (Jerry hears Kramer and walks into the dressing room door)

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, Jerry, you got my clothes?

               
                             JERRY
               What clothes?

               
                             KRAMER
               Didn't Elaine call you?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well what are you doing here?

               
                             JERRY
               What am I doing here? You're in the 
               women's dressing room. I
 
               need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat 
               out.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my, 
               my pants
 
               
                             JERRY
               Where are your pants?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I sold them to Bania.

               
                             JERRY
               What? You sold your pants to Bania. 
               Let me in.
 
               
               (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room. Kramer 
               is
 
               standing there in his white boxer shorts and no shirt)

               
                             JERRY
               Why'd you sell your pants to Bania?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ouhhh -- I had Uma Therman's number 
               written on that stub. I
 
               lost Uma's number.

               
                             JERRY
               Where are your clothes?

               
                             KRAMER
               I told you I sold them to Bania.

               
                             JERRY
               You mean what you were wearing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               How'd you expect to get out of here?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I didn't think ahead.

               
               
               (Elaine reenters the Barney's clothing dept., rubbing her arms 
               because
 
               he is cold. The sales associate is also coming back from the 
               dressing
 
               rooms. Elaine sees her, and quickly stands next to the register 
               counter
 
               and tries to act like she has been there for a while.)

               
                             ELAINE
               This isn't going to work for me ... 
               so if you could show me
 
               something else.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               No?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               I am?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ha! That's preposterous.

               
               snow in the store.

               
               (Elaine looks down and gathers the dress at the salt stain)
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine 
               puts her head down and
 
               her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room 
               area)
 
               Kramer, are you still in there?

               
                             JERRY
               (Elaine)

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry?

               
               (Bania enters the dressing room area)

               
                             BANIA
               Elaine, where's Kramer?

               
                             KRAMER
               Bania?

               
                             BANIA
               Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm going out. (he comes out of the 
               dressing room, while Kramer
 
               remains inside)

               
                             BANIA
               Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Bania.

               
                             BANIA
               Kramer, I want my money back for this 
               suit. You're nancy-boy
 
               cream leaked all over the pockets -- Suits ruined.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well you're not getting any money back. 
               (Kramer opens the
 
               door) Jerry, come back in here.

               
                             JERRY
               (to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back 
               in the dressing room)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uma's number is on that ticket.

               
                             JERRY
               Never mind Uma, I need that ticket to 
               get my mother's fur coat
 
               back. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm not going to give him $300 now for 
               a suit with moisturizer
 
               cream all over it.

               
                             JERRY
               I got an idea.

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe I'm gonna do this. (Jerry 
               opens the door and
 
               exits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania)

               
                             JERRY
               Bania can I talk to you for a second? 
               How's everything going?
 
               
                             BANIA
               Pretty good.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well, see the thing of it is, 
               I'm in a bit of an awkward
 
               position here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you 
               two
 
               guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket 
               of those
 
               pants.

               
                             BANIA
               Well all you gotta do is tell Kramer 
               to give me my money back,
 
               and you'll get your ticket.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell 
               you what I will do Bania
 
               -- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a 
               nice
 
               dinner.

               
                             BANIA
               Can we go back to Mendy's?

               
                             JERRY
               You want to go to Mendy's, I'll take 
               you to Mendy's.
 
               
                             BANIA
               Twice? I wanna go twice.

               
                             JERRY
               all right let's be reasonable, Bania. 
               I'm taking you out for a
 
               nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I 
               think
 
               it's a pretty good deal.

               
                             BANIA
               Two Mendy's.

               
                             JERRY
               . . . All right (gritting teeth) Just 
               give me the ticket.
 
               
                             BANIA
               Here you go.

               
                             JERRY
               Ohh ... (takes the ticket and heads 
               for the dressing room)
 
               
               
               
               
               Exterior of yankee Stadium (Louisville Slugger) then to George
 
               
               Steinbrenner's office. George Costanza stands pleading his case.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected 
               to perform my job
 
               properly, knowing that my uh, subordinate is making more money 
               than I
 
               am? With all due respect sir, it's outta whack.

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Uh huh, I understand what you're saying 
               George and I know
 
               what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young 
               man in
 
               Cleveland I use to hitchhike to work. One time I got picked up 
               by a
 
               bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped 
               up in
 
               the back of one of those babies.

               
               (George starts to back away from the desk)

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               I couldn't look at a donut for the next 
               two years. Well
 
               not that I was ever one for the sweets.

               
               (George turning around, nodding and making hand gestures, walking 
               slowly
 
               towards the door, his hand gestures get progressively wider eventually
 
               
               to full arms extended upwards)

               
                             STEINBRENNER
               Sure I like a cup cake every now and 
               then, like everybody
 
               else. You know I like it when they have a little cream on the 
               inside,
 
               it's a surprise. That's good, plus the chocolate ones are good 
               too.
 
               Sometimes I just can't even make up my mind. A lot of times I'll 
               mix
 
               the two together, make a vanilla fudge.

               
               
               
               
               Jerry stands outside the Barney's dressing room door that Kramer 
               is
 
               waiting in. Jerry quickly knocks on the door.

               
                             JERRY
               Let me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the 
               door, Jerry goes in the
 
               dressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me. 
               (hands
 
               Kramer the ticket)

               
                             KRAMER
               (closes the door) All right, nice work. 
               (he looks at the ticket,
 
               flips it over, and then over again) Where's Uma's number? The
 
               
               moisturizer smudged out the phone number.

               
                             JERRY
               (Takes the ticket back and looks at 
               it, flips it over) The
 
               dry-cleaning numbers are gone too.

               
                             KRAMER
               (grabs the ticket back and holds it 
               up to the light) It must
 
               have been the botanical extracts.

               
                             JERRY
               (grabs the ticket back) Give me that.
 
               
               
               (Jerry Opens the door and walks into the clothing dept., while 
               Bania is
 
               walking towards the exit of the clothing dept.)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Bania, the dinners off. The ticket's 
               no good. The numbers
 
               are all smudged out. (holds out the ticket and hands it to Bania)
 
               
               
                             BANIA
               (looking at the ticket then quickly 
               looks up at Jerry) You trying
 
               to get out of Mendy's? you can't do that.

               
                             JERRY
               The ticket is worthless.

               
                             BANIA
               You promised me.

               
               (Jerry makes a smudged up face -- he knows he cannot get out 
               of the
 
               deal. Bania turns and walks quickly out of the clothing department.
 
               
               Jerry sees a woman from the back walking into the dressing room 
               area.
 
               She has a fur coat on and is carrying a few items over her arm 
               to try
 
               on)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat?
 
               
               
               (Elaine stands at the register counter, now she wears her own 
               clothes.
 
               The Calvin Klein dress rests across the counter -- she watches 
               as Jerry
 
               follows the woman into the dressing room area. Jerry stands in 
               front of
 
               the door where she went into, listens for a half second and then 
               pushes
 
               the door open, as she has not had an opportunity to latch it 
               yet -- It
 
               is Donna, the dry-cleaners wife -- she is stunned, startled and 
               taken
 
               aback ...)

               
                             DONNA
               No it's not. (the coat)

               
                             JERRY
               It is! (Jerry walks forcefully into 
               the dressing room and closes
 
               the door) Give me that back.

               
                             DONNA
               No, what are you talking about.

               
               (The camera pans down to the bottom of the dressing room door, 
               so all
 
               you see is Jerry and Donna's scuffling feet and lower legs, as 
               Jerry
 
               takes the coat from her.)

               
                             DONNA
               Are you out of your mind? Don't you 
               ... take your hands ...
 
               
                             JERRY
               You can't have that coat, it's not yours.
 
               
               
               (Donna opens the door -- the camera pans back up to eye level 
               as she
 
               walks out, kind of indignant. She places her long purse strap 
               over her
 
               Left shoulder)

               
                             JERRY
               What do you think the dry-cleaner's 
               is your own personal closet!
 
               
               (Donna walks over to where Elaine is still standing at the register
 
               
               counter)

               
                CONTINUITY ERROR -- AS SHE WALKS UP TO ELAINE, DONNA IS NOW 
               HOLDING
 
               her long purse strap in her right hand only, then switches it 
               to her
 
               left hand and puts the strap over her left shoulder. The purse 
               hangs
 
               below her left hip. She just had placed the long purse strap 
               over her
 
               SHOULDER AS SHE LEFT THE DRESSING ROOM AREA WALKING AWAY FROM 
               JERRY. 
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Donna, do you think you can get the 
               salt stain out of this?
 
               (Holding the bottom of the Calvin Klein dress out)

               
                             DONNA
               Let me see. (Looking at the stain) Piece 
               of cake. Bring it
 
               in. (Holding the dress up by the hanger) What size is it?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Tilts her head down, looking over her 
               glasses in amazement of
 
               Donna's question)

               
               
               
               The camera fades from the previous scene to the winter sidewalk 
               outside.
 
               
               L-R Kramer, Elaine and Jerry walk silently in the cold. Above 
               their
 
               heads in the background is a sign that reads “KalSigns” -- I 
               believe
 
               this is an homage to Jerry's (real life) father that owned a 
               sign
 
               company.

               
               Kramer is wearing Jerry's mother's fur coat. It is obviously 
               too small
 
               for his large frame -- the arms are way too short. The coat comes 
               down
 
               to his mid thigh. He has no pants on. He wears shoes and white 
               socks.
 
               He looks ridiculous, uncomfortable and cold.

               
               Elaine is wearing a long winter overcoat, carrying her Calvin 
               Klein
 
               dress in a garment bag over her left arm. Jerry has both hands 
               in the
 
               pockets of his winter jacket he is wearing a scarf that he had 
               on
 
               earlier in the store.

               
               Kramer looks around as he walks along. He tries to button or 
               close up
 
               the coat to the best of his ability, but nothing changes. As 
               the scene
 
               ends, the fur coat opens slightly at the bottom and you can see 
               his
 
               white boxer shorts (actually they look like jockey shorts, but 
               earlier
 
               he had on boxers in the dressing room)

               
               
               
               
               The camera fades from the previous scene to an exterior shot 
               of Mendy's
 
               Restaurant at dusk, then inside to Bania and Jerry dining at 
               a table.
 
               
                             BANIA
               Mmm. This soup is great.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's very good. (reluctantly)
 
               
               
                             BANIA
               I told you Mendy's had the best pea 
               soup. The best Jerry, the
 
               best. Are you enjoying it?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time. (it's 
               obvious he isn't)
 
               
                             BANIA
               Wait till you try the swordfish. You 
               know Jerry, I was
 
               thinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here 
               ... or
 
               should we go someplace else? You know it has it's pros and cons. 
               On the
 
               one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other 
               hand --
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know. 
               This would be good, but
 
               it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would 
               be
 
               different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get 
               it.
 
               
                             BANIA
               Yeah. Well, let's hurry up and eat I 
               gotta get out of here. I'm
 
               meeting a woman for a drink.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, and who might that be?

               
                             BANIA
               Some woman named Uma. I got her number 
               off of that ticket before
 
               it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking. (crosses his fingers 
               in the
 
               air)

               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               If you are a waitress and you ever see 
               me in a restaurant, I'm 
               telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. 
               I don't 
               want to know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I 
               hate the 
               specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd 
               be on 
               the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know 
               if 
               anybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions               
               of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and 
               then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             THE END



The Secretary



Writers :   Carol Leifer  Marjorie Gross
Genres :   Comedy


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