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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                        THE SERENITY NOW



                           Written by

                          Steve Koren




 
               
               
               (The Costanzas are driving in the car.)

               
                             FRANK
               I got no leg room back here. Move your 
               seat forward.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               That's as far as it goes.

               
                             FRANK
               There's a mechanism. You just pull it, 
               and throw your body weight.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I pulled it. It doesn't go.

               
                             FRANK
               If you want the leg room, say you want 
               the leg room! Don't blame
 
               
               the mechanism!

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, Dad, we're five blocks from 
               the house. Sit
 
               
               sideways.

               
                             FRANK
               Like an animal. Because of her, I have 
               to sit here like an animal!
 
               
               Serenity now! Serenity now!

               
                             GEORGE
               What is that?

               
                             FRANK
               Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. 
               When my blood pressure gets
 
               
               too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Are you supposed to yell it?

               
                             FRANK
               The man on the tape wasn't specific.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to the screen door? It 
               blew off again?
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I told you to fix that thing.

               
                             FRANK
               Serenity nowww!

               
               
               
               
               
                             PATTY
               So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try 
               the new Chinese Spanish
 
               
               place La Caridad on Saturday.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I thought we had tickets for the 
               Knicks home opener.
 
               
                             PATTY
               Well I thought this would be more fun 
               so I gave the tickets away.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What? All right, fine.

               
                             PATTY
               Are you mad at me?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever 
               it is.
 
               
                             PATTY
               You know... I've never seen you mad.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I get peeved.

               
                             PATTY
               Mad.

               
                             JERRY
               Miffed.

               
                             PATTY
               *Mad*.

               
                             JERRY
               Irked?

               
                             PATTY
               I'd like to see you get *really* mad.
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why does she want you to be mad?

               
                             JERRY
               She says I suppress my emotions.

               
                             GEORGE
               So what do you care what she thinks.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Good body.

               
                             GEORGE
               She probably gets that impression because 
               you're cool.
 
               
               You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.

               
                             JERRY
               But I get upset, I've yelled. You've 
               heard me yell.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Not really. Your voice kind of raises 
               to this comedic
 
               
               pitch. (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in 
               here and eatin' all my food.
 
               
               Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Laughing) What is that, a new bit?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want 
               to come out and help me fix
 
               
               my father's screen door in Queens?

               
                             JERRY
               Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the 
               Bronx.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'll do it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really? You wanna come?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I love going to the country.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Where are they goin'?

               
                             JERRY
               Fix a screen door in Queens.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, 
               what are you doin' Saturday
 
               
               night?

               
                             JERRY
               Not goin' to the Knick game.

               
                             ELAINE
               I need someone to go with me to Mr. 
               Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, if you don't bring a guest 
               they save a catering. You
 
               
               should be able to buy a cheaper gift.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think 
               that's possible.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Holding camera) Get in a little closer. 
               I can't see the screen
 
               
               door. (Takes picture) Perfect.

               
                             GEORGE
               Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. 
               That's why the wind keeps
 
               
               blowing the door off.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I hate that old door. Throw it out!
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Serenity now!

               
                             KRAMER
               It might be time to just let her go, 
               Frank. She's worked
 
               
               hard for ya.

               
                             FRANK
               Will you put her to rest for me?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. 
               (Rips out the screen door)
 
               
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               (From other room) Get George to put 
               those boxes in the
 
               
               garage.

               
                             GEORGE
               Dad, what's all this?

               
                             ESTELLE
               (From other room) It's junk.

               
                             FRANK
               My computers. I've been selling them 
               for two months now. Shut up!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're selling computers?

               
                             FRANK
               Two months ago, I saw a provocative 
               movie on cable TV. It was
 
               
               called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading,
 
               
               
               and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.

               
                             GEORGE
               Dad, you know what it takes to compete 
               with Microsoft and
 
               
               IBM?

               
                             FRANK
               Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret 
               weapon... my son.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked 
               for nonfat milk!
 
               
               
               
                             PATTY
               OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're damn right you're not buying 
               it!
 
               
                             PATTY
               You shouldn't have to try. It's just 
               being open.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm open. There's just nothing in there.
 
               
               
                             PATTY
               Sarcastically) Uh huh.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you think I'm lying about this?
 
               
               
                             PATTY
               I think you are.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm not.

               
                             PATTY
               Yes, you are, liar.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, stop it.

               
                             PATTY
               OK, liar.

               
                             JERRY
               That's enough!

               
                             PATTY
               Ooh, that was good.

               
                             JERRY
               Really? It felt good.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Congratulations, Mr. Lippman.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can 
               you believe it? He's
 
               
               a man.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously 
               French-kisses
 
               
               Elaine)

               
                             ADAM
               I'm a man!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Tongue?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well this kid's not just a man. He's 
               a man's man.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               And I think he's been telling his friends. 
               I got invitations to six
 
               
               more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. 
               No, no, no, I do not want to
 
               
               stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, 
               you
 
               
               should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Where did that come from?

               
                             JERRY
               Patty showed me how to get mad. You 
               gotta problem with that?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Good.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, relax, tough guy. I got to 
               go out to my father's
 
               
               garage, help him sell some computers.

               
                             JERRY
               What? The two of you workin' in that 
               garage is like a steel cage
 
               
               death match.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               What-what are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. 
               This beauty's got a
 
               
               little life in her yet.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you need it for?

               
                             KRAMER
               (Closing door) The cool evening breezes 
               of Anytown, USA. Let's see
 
               
               how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Morning, ma.

               
                             ESTELLE
               (From another room ) You're late!

               
                             GEORGE
               Morning, dad.

               
                             FRANK
               I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional 
               name is Mr.
 
               
               Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.
 
               
               
                             LLOYD 
               (Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. 
               Two cream, no sugar.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What is Lloyd Braun doing here?

               
                             FRANK
               Your mother recommended him.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, of course she did. That's all 
               I ever heard growing up
 
               
               is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he 
               was in a
 
               
               mental institution?

               
                             FRANK
               I didn't read his resume.

               
               
               
                             BRAUN
               (Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, 
               Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on
 
               
               the big board.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Inquiring about the chalk board) What 
               is this?
 
               
               Frank (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. 
               Good
 
               
               work, Braun.

               
               Estelle (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So Adam, I just talked to your father, 
               and, apology
 
               
               accepted.

               
                             ADAM
               I'm not apologizing. It was great. I 
               told everyone.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could 
               you do me a favor and
 
               
               tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this 
               Saturday.
 
               
                             ADAM
               Are you free Friday night?

               
                             ELAINE
               I am, but that is not the point. You 
               are thirteen, and I am
 
               
               in my early... 20s.

               
                             ADAM
               But I'm a man. The rabbi said so.

               
                             ELAINE
               No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* 
               time to become a
 
               
               man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.

               
                             ADAM
               Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole 
               thing was a sham! First,
 
               
               they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives 
               me
 
               
               Boggle. I renounce my religion!

               
                             LIPPMAN
               Who wants cookies?

               
                             ADAM
               As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish. 
               I quit!
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.

               
               
               
                             FRANK
               You're late again, Costanza, so listen 
               up. Starting tonight, we're
 
               
               having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner
 
               
               
               gets a Waterpik.

               
                             ESTELLE
               (From another room) You're not giving 
               away our Waterpik!
 
               
                             FRANK
               Serenity now!

               
                             GEORGE
               You know what? It doesn't matter, because 
               I quit!
 
               
                             FRANK
               I guess your mother was right. You never 
               could compete with Lloyd
 
               
               Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles)

               
                             GEORGE
               You wanna sell computers? I will show 
               *you* how to sell
 
               
               computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No? 
               Why
 
               
               not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his 
               sale bell)
 
               
               Serenity now!

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Adam, you don't become a man overnight. 
               Look at your
 
               
               father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers 
               of
 
               
               varying success. And these are things I look for in a man.

               
                             ADAM
               (Storming out of the room) Well, that 
               does me a lot of
 
               
               good. 'Early 20s'!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               So, that's the type of guy you're looking 
               for?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously 
               starts
 
               
               making out with her)

               
               
               
                             PATTY
               (Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What 
               is this?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, 
               U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer
 
               
               home? Oh, hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, those azaleas are really coming 
               in nicely.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You barbecuing tonight?

               
                             KRAMER
               (Ringing his wind chimes) Right after 
               the fireworks.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, where do you want to eat tonight?
 
               
               
                             PATTY
               How about La Caridad again?

               
                             JERRY
               Again!? How much flan can a person eat!?
 
               
               
                             PATTY
               Jerry, you've been yelling at me all 
               afternoon.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I don't think more flan is the 
               answer!
 
               
                             PATTY
               Maybe I should just leave.

               
                             JERRY
               'Maybe'!?

               
                             PATTY
               Good-bye!

               
                             JERRY
               Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open 
               door reveals Kramer,
 
               
               sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, buddy!

               
                             ELAINE
               (Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy 
               New Year!
 
               
               Kramer (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Did you and Patty just break up?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! 
               And I don't want to talk about
 
               
               it!

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, then you're free tonight. You 
               know what, I heard
 
               
               about this great place called La Caridad.

               
                             JERRY
               That's the last thing she said to me. 
               She wanted to go there also,
 
               
               but I wasn't in the mood.

               
                             ELAINE
               Whoa. What is the matter?

               
                             JERRY
               It's Patty.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry, you break up with a girl every 
               week.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my God. You're crying.

               
                             JERRY
               This is horrible! I care!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Patty won't call me back. I don't know 
               if I can live without her.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               She's really gotten to you, hasn't she?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know what's happening to me.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Simple. You let out one emotion, all 
               the rest will come
 
               
               with it. It's like Endora's box.

               
                             JERRY
               That was the mother on Bewitched. You 
               mean Pandora.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George 
               enters)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, can I talk to you for a second? 
               (They enter Jerry's
 
               
               apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               (Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him) 
               That's it, that's it! I
 
               
               warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house.
 
               
               
               This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock 
               either!
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) 
               Are you still down in
 
               
               the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.

               
                             JERRY
               You ever heard of a little thing called 
               feelings?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I got just the thing to cheer 
               you up. A computer!
 
               
               Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.

               
                             JERRY
               Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have 
               a friend like you, George. Ever
 
               
               tell you how much I love you?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               I love you, George. Come here.

               
                             GEORGE
               I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. 
               Uh, you know what?
 
               
               If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.

               
                             JERRY
               Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna 
               love you.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Look what they did. Look what they did 
               to my house! I turn my back
 
               
               for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. 
               You, I see
 
               
               you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put 
               under your
 
               
               sink?

               
                             JERRY
               Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I love you, too, buddy, and George--
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't want to hear it, Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Listen, when I give you the signal, 
               I want you to turn this
 
               
               water on full blast.

               
                             GEORGE
               What signal? What-what signal?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'

               
                             GEORGE
               If I do it, will you buy a computer?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               On the signal, George. On the signal.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I love you, Costanza.

               
                             GEORGE
               Will you shut up?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet! 
               George, turn on the
 
               
               faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So now the *other* Lippman kissed me.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're 
               a shiksa.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               It means a non-Jewish woman.

               
                             ELAINE
               I know what it means, but what does 
               being a shiksa have to
 
               
               do with it?

               
                             GEORGE
               You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men 
               love the idea of
 
               
               meeting a woman that's not like their mother.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, that's insane.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll tell you what's insane: the price 
               that I could get you
 
               
               on a new desktop computer.

               
                             ELAINE
               I am not buying a computer from you.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               There's porn.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Pausing) Even so.

               
                             GEORGE
               Damn it!

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm 
               very flattered that
 
               
               you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the 
               only reason
 
               
               you like me is because I'm a shiksa.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               That's simply not true.

               
                             ELAINE
               If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't 
               be interested in me.
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               You are wrong. I'll prove it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no. Don't!

               
                             LIPPMAN
               I renounce Judaism!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oy vey!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What happened to you, pal?

               
                             KRAMER
               Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood 
               kids. They
 
               
               ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you all right?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity 
               now. Serenity now.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, you're using Frank's relaxation 
               method?
 
               
               Kramer (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it 
               just melts
 
               
               right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now!

               
               Elaine (Entering Jerry's apartment) Hey, what happened to you?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Serenity! (He exits)

               
                             ELAINE
               Well. You are not gonna believe this. 
               Now Lippman is
 
               
               renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What 
               is
 
               
               *with* you people? What are you looking at?

               
                             JERRY
               Sit down, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more 
               gentle sobbing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I've been thinking about what it means 
               to be complete.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you have an apple or anything?

               
                             JERRY
               Look at us, hurtling through space on 
               this big, blue marble.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love 
               a nectarine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Looking everywhere for some kind of 
               meaning...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, 
               banana!
 
               
                             JERRY
               When all the while, the real secret 
               to happiness has been right in
 
               
               front of us!

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine...

               
                             GEORGE
               (Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload 
               of computers) Jerry,
 
               
               I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, 
               I
 
               
               store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I 
               bring 'em all
 
               
               back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's
 
               
               
               wrong with your leg?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm asking Elaine to marry me.

               
               George (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on 
               with, uh, Lippman
 
               
               right now.

               
                             JERRY
               Lippman?

               
               Elaine (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! 
               Oh,
 
               
               yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him 
               a hand.
 
               
               Come on! Come on!

               
                             JERRY
               Can I help you?

               
                             ELAINE
               No. Stay! Stay. Stay.

               
               
               
                             FRANK
               Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your 
               butt!
 
               
               George (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. 
               Vandelay?
 
               
               Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?

               
                             FRANK
               Costanza, you're white hot!

               
                             PHONE
               If you'd like to make a call, please 
               hang up and--
 
               
                             FRANK
               Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad 
               news. And they're both the
 
               
                             SAME
               you're fired. Costanza, you've won the 
               water pik!
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               You're not gonna give away that water 
               pik!
 
               
                             FRANK
               You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity 
               now!
 
               
                             LLOYD
               You know, you should tell your dad that 
               'serenity now' thing
 
               
               doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you
 
               
               
               blow.

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you know? You were in the nut 
               house.
 
               
                             LLOYD
               What do you think put me there?

               
                             GEORGE
               I heard they found a family in your 
               freezer
 
               
                             LLOYD
               Serenity now. Insanity later.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Entering the hallway to his apartment) 
               What happened here,
 
               
               Kramer?

               
                             KRAMER
               Serenity now, serenity now...

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come 
               in. Yeah, the children,
 
               
               they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.

               
                             JERRY
               You don't look well.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly 
               at peace with the
 
               
               world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped 
               on your last rose.
 
               
               Kramer (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset 
               about
 
               
               it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a 
               moment.
 
               
               Serenity nooooooooww!

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (crashing and banging in his apartment) 
               Serenity now!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Come on, wanna give me a hand with the 
               computers?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Crashing and banging around) Serenity 
               nooooowwwww!
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why couldn't you squeeze one of those 
               stupid rubber balls
 
               
               to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five*
 
               
               
               computers?

               
                             KRAMER
               (Leaving) George, you listen to me. 
               I owe ya one.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He's incorrigible. You want to talk 
               about it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, please don't tell me you love me 
               again, Jerry, I can't handle
 
               
               it.

               
                             JERRY
               George, letting my emotions out was 
               the best thing I've ever done.
 
               
               Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making
 
               
               
               shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?

               
                             GEORGE
               All right... here goes...

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Rabbi, is there anything I can do to 
               combat this
 
               
               Shiks-appeal?

               
                             RABBI
               Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth, 
               like the Yeti, or his North
 
               
               American cousin, the Sasquatch.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause 
               every able-bodied
 
               
               Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.
 
               
               
                             RABBI
               Elaine, there's much you don't understand 
               about the Jewish
 
               
               religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to 
               date?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (About to leave) Well, what does that 
               have to do...?
 
               
                             RABBI
               You know, a member of my congregation 
               has a timeshare in Myrtle
 
               
               Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down 
               after
 
               
               the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, 
               and... everything I'm
 
               
               capable of. That's me.

               
                             JERRY
               Yikes. Well, good luck with all that.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Where you going? I-I thought I could 
               count on you for a
 
               
               little compassion.

               
                             JERRY
               I think you scared me straight.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right, Jerome, I'm in.

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything 
               we need is
 
               
               right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.

               
                             JERRY
               I tell ya, I don't see it happening.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? What happened to the new Jerry?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He doesn't work here anymore.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well that's just *great!*

               
                             GEORGE
               I love you, Jerry.

               
               Jerry (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, all these years, I've always 
               wanted to see the
 
               
               two of you get back together.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, that's because you're an idiot.
 
               
               
               
               
                             FRANK
               You single-handedly brought Costanza 
               and Son to the brink of
 
               
               bankruptcy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well what about all the Lloyd Braun 
               sales?
 
               
                             FRANK
               He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked 
               up. He just liked ringing
 
               
               that bell.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I told you to clean out this garage. 
               I have to put my car
 
               
               in!

               
                             FRANK
               This is a place of business. I told 
               you never to come in here.
 
               
               Serenity now!

               
                             ESTELLE
               All right...

               
                             GEORGE
               Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity 
               now' stuff.
 
               
                             FRANK
               So, what am I supposed to say?

               
                             GEORGE
               'Hoochie mama'?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Move your crap, I'm comin' in!

               
                             FRANK
               No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie 
               mama!
 
               
               
                            THE END
 


The Serenity Now



Writers :   Steve Koren
Genres :   Comedy


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