THE SERENITY NOW
Written by
Steve Koren
(The Costanzas are driving in the car.)
FRANK
I got no leg room back here. Move your
seat forward.
ESTELLE
That's as far as it goes.
FRANK
There's a mechanism. You just pull it,
and throw your body weight.
ESTELLE
I pulled it. It doesn't go.
FRANK
If you want the leg room, say you want
the leg room! Don't blame
the mechanism!
GEORGE
All right, Dad, we're five blocks from
the house. Sit
sideways.
FRANK
Like an animal. Because of her, I have
to sit here like an animal!
Serenity now! Serenity now!
GEORGE
What is that?
FRANK
Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette.
When my blood pressure gets
too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'
GEORGE
Are you supposed to yell it?
FRANK
The man on the tape wasn't specific.
GEORGE
What happened to the screen door? It
blew off again?
ESTELLE
I told you to fix that thing.
FRANK
Serenity nowww!
PATTY
So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try
the new Chinese Spanish
place La Caridad on Saturday.
JERRY
Oh, I thought we had tickets for the
Knicks home opener.
PATTY
Well I thought this would be more fun
so I gave the tickets away.
JERRY
What? All right, fine.
PATTY
Are you mad at me?
JERRY
No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever
it is.
PATTY
You know... I've never seen you mad.
JERRY
I get peeved.
PATTY
Mad.
JERRY
Miffed.
PATTY
*Mad*.
JERRY
Irked?
PATTY
I'd like to see you get *really* mad.
GEORGE
Why does she want you to be mad?
JERRY
She says I suppress my emotions.
GEORGE
So what do you care what she thinks.
JERRY
Good body.
GEORGE
She probably gets that impression because
you're cool.
You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.
JERRY
But I get upset, I've yelled. You've
heard me yell.
GEORGE
Not really. Your voice kind of raises
to this comedic
pitch. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in
here and eatin' all my food.
Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!
KRAMER
(Laughing) What is that, a new bit?
GEORGE
I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want
to come out and help me fix
my father's screen door in Queens?
JERRY
Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the
Bronx.
KRAMER
I'll do it.
GEORGE
Really? You wanna come?
KRAMER
Yeah, I love going to the country.
ELAINE
Where are they goin'?
JERRY
Fix a screen door in Queens.
ELAINE
(Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen,
what are you doin' Saturday
night?
JERRY
Not goin' to the Knick game.
ELAINE
I need someone to go with me to Mr.
Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.
JERRY
You know, if you don't bring a guest
they save a catering. You
should be able to buy a cheaper gift.
ELAINE
(Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think
that's possible.
KRAMER
(Holding camera) Get in a little closer.
I can't see the screen
door. (Takes picture) Perfect.
GEORGE
Dad, the hinges are all rusted here.
That's why the wind keeps
blowing the door off.
ESTELLE
I hate that old door. Throw it out!
FRANK
Serenity now!
KRAMER
It might be time to just let her go,
Frank. She's worked
hard for ya.
FRANK
Will you put her to rest for me?
KRAMER
Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her.
(Rips out the screen door)
ESTELLE
(From other room) Get George to put
those boxes in the
garage.
GEORGE
Dad, what's all this?
ESTELLE
(From other room) It's junk.
FRANK
My computers. I've been selling them
for two months now. Shut up!
GEORGE
You're selling computers?
FRANK
Two months ago, I saw a provocative
movie on cable TV. It was
called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading,
and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.
GEORGE
Dad, you know what it takes to compete
with Microsoft and
IBM?
FRANK
Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret
weapon... my son.
JERRY
Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked
for nonfat milk!
PATTY
OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.
JERRY
You're damn right you're not buying
it!
PATTY
You shouldn't have to try. It's just
being open.
JERRY
I'm open. There's just nothing in there.
PATTY
Sarcastically) Uh huh.
JERRY
Oh, you think I'm lying about this?
PATTY
I think you are.
JERRY
Well, I'm not.
PATTY
Yes, you are, liar.
JERRY
Oh, stop it.
PATTY
OK, liar.
JERRY
That's enough!
PATTY
Ooh, that was good.
JERRY
Really? It felt good.
ELAINE
Congratulations, Mr. Lippman.
LIPPMAN
Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can
you believe it? He's
a man.
ELAINE
Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously
French-kisses
Elaine)
ADAM
I'm a man!
JERRY
Tongue?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.
JERRY
Well this kid's not just a man. He's
a man's man.
ELAINE
And I think he's been telling his friends.
I got invitations to six
more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)
JERRY
Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld.
No, no, no, I do not want to
stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right,
you
should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
ELAINE
Where did that come from?
JERRY
Patty showed me how to get mad. You
gotta problem with that?
ELAINE
No.
JERRY
Good.
GEORGE
All right, relax, tough guy. I got to
go out to my father's
garage, help him sell some computers.
JERRY
What? The two of you workin' in that
garage is like a steel cage
death match.
GEORGE
Kramer.
KRAMER
Yeah.
GEORGE
What-what are you doing?
KRAMER
Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door.
This beauty's got a
little life in her yet.
JERRY
What do you need it for?
KRAMER
(Closing door) The cool evening breezes
of Anytown, USA. Let's see
how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
GEORGE
Morning, ma.
ESTELLE
(From another room ) You're late!
GEORGE
Morning, dad.
FRANK
I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional
name is Mr.
Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.
LLOYD
(Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George.
Two cream, no sugar.
GEORGE
What is Lloyd Braun doing here?
FRANK
Your mother recommended him.
GEORGE
Yeah, of course she did. That's all
I ever heard growing up
is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he
was in a
mental institution?
FRANK
I didn't read his resume.
BRAUN
(Ringing the sale bell) Another sale,
Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on
the big board.
GEORGE
(Inquiring about the chalk board) What
is this?
Frank (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging.
Good
work, Braun.
Estelle (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!
ELAINE
So Adam, I just talked to your father,
and, apology
accepted.
ADAM
I'm not apologizing. It was great. I
told everyone.
ELAINE
Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could
you do me a favor and
tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this
Saturday.
ADAM
Are you free Friday night?
ELAINE
I am, but that is not the point. You
are thirteen, and I am
in my early... 20s.
ADAM
But I'm a man. The rabbi said so.
ELAINE
No. You are not a man. It takes a *long*
time to become a
man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.
ADAM
Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole
thing was a sham! First,
they said I was gonna get great gifts, and then, somebody gives
me
Boggle. I renounce my religion!
LIPPMAN
Who wants cookies?
ADAM
As of this moment, I am no longer Jewish.
I quit!
LIPPMAN
What?
ELAINE
(Eating) Walnuts, mmmmmm.
FRANK
You're late again, Costanza, so listen
up. Starting tonight, we're
having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner
gets a Waterpik.
ESTELLE
(From another room) You're not giving
away our Waterpik!
FRANK
Serenity now!
GEORGE
You know what? It doesn't matter, because
I quit!
FRANK
I guess your mother was right. You never
could compete with Lloyd
Braun! (Lloyd rings his sale bell and smiles)
GEORGE
You wanna sell computers? I will show
*you* how to sell
computers! Hello, Mr. Farneman. You wanna buy a computer? No?
Why
not? All right, I see! Good answer! Thank you! (Lloyd rings his
sale bell)
Serenity now!
ELAINE
Adam, you don't become a man overnight.
Look at your
father. It takes time. Patience, experience. Uh, several careers
of
varying success. And these are things I look for in a man.
ADAM
(Storming out of the room) Well, that
does me a lot of
good. 'Early 20s'!
ELAINE
Well, I'm sorry, sir, I tried.
LIPPMAN
So, that's the type of guy you're looking
for?
ELAINE
Uhh. I guess so. Why? (Mr. Lippman vigorously
starts
making out with her)
PATTY
(Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What
is this?
JERRY
(Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown,
U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer
home? Oh, hey.
KRAMER
(Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.
JERRY
Boy, those azaleas are really coming
in nicely.
KRAMER
Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.
JERRY
You barbecuing tonight?
KRAMER
(Ringing his wind chimes) Right after
the fireworks.
JERRY
So, where do you want to eat tonight?
PATTY
How about La Caridad again?
JERRY
Again!? How much flan can a person eat!?
PATTY
Jerry, you've been yelling at me all
afternoon.
JERRY
Well, I don't think more flan is the
answer!
PATTY
Maybe I should just leave.
JERRY
'Maybe'!?
PATTY
Good-bye!
JERRY
Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open
door reveals Kramer,
sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)
KRAMER
Hey, buddy!
ELAINE
(Coming in Jerry's apartment) Hey. Happy
New Year!
Kramer (Getting the door slammed on him) Y'all come back reeeaall...
ELAINE
Did you and Patty just break up?
JERRY
Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me!
And I don't want to talk about
it!
ELAINE
Well, then you're free tonight. You
know what, I heard
about this great place called La Caridad.
JERRY
That's the last thing she said to me.
She wanted to go there also,
but I wasn't in the mood.
ELAINE
Whoa. What is the matter?
JERRY
It's Patty.
ELAINE
Jerry, you break up with a girl every
week.
JERRY
(Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?
ELAINE
Oh my God. You're crying.
JERRY
This is horrible! I care!
JERRY
Patty won't call me back. I don't know
if I can live without her.
KRAMER
She's really gotten to you, hasn't she?
JERRY
I don't know what's happening to me.
KRAMER
Simple. You let out one emotion, all
the rest will come
with it. It's like Endora's box.
JERRY
That was the mother on Bewitched. You
mean Pandora.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, she... had one, too. (George
enters)
GEORGE
Jerry, can I talk to you for a second?
(They enter Jerry's
apartment)
KRAMER
(Baseball flies at Kramer and hits him)
That's it, that's it! I
warned you kids. I told you not to play in front of my house.
This time, I'm keepin' it. And you're not getting back your rock
either!
GEORGE
(hearing Jerry broke up with Patty)
Are you still down in
the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.
JERRY
You ever heard of a little thing called
feelings?
GEORGE
Well, I got just the thing to cheer
you up. A computer!
Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.
JERRY
Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have
a friend like you, George. Ever
tell you how much I love you?
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
I love you, George. Come here.
GEORGE
I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here.
Uh, you know what?
If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.
JERRY
Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna
love you.
KRAMER
Look what they did. Look what they did
to my house! I turn my back
for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door.
You, I see
you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put
under your
sink?
JERRY
Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!
KRAMER
I love you, too, buddy, and George--
GEORGE
I don't want to hear it, Kramer!
KRAMER
Listen, when I give you the signal,
I want you to turn this
water on full blast.
GEORGE
What signal? What-what signal?
KRAMER
I'll yell, uh, 'Hoochie mama!'
GEORGE
If I do it, will you buy a computer?
KRAMER
On the signal, George. On the signal.
GEORGE
Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.
JERRY
I love you, Costanza.
GEORGE
Will you shut up?!
KRAMER
Now! Now, George! Turn on the faucet!
George, turn on the
faucet! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mamamaaaaa!
ELAINE
So now the *other* Lippman kissed me.
GEORGE
Well, sure. They're Jewish, and you're
a shiksa.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE
It means a non-Jewish woman.
ELAINE
I know what it means, but what does
being a shiksa have to
do with it?
GEORGE
You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men
love the idea of
meeting a woman that's not like their mother.
ELAINE
Oh, that's insane.
GEORGE
I'll tell you what's insane: the price
that I could get you
on a new desktop computer.
ELAINE
I am not buying a computer from you.
GEORGE
There's porn.
ELAINE
(Pausing) Even so.
GEORGE
Damn it!
ELAINE
Don't get me wrong, Mr. Lippman. I-I'm
very flattered that
you found me attractive enough to... lunge at me. Huh. But the
only reason
you like me is because I'm a shiksa.
LIPPMAN
That's simply not true.
ELAINE
If you weren't Jewish, you wouldn't
be interested in me.
LIPPMAN
You are wrong. I'll prove it.
ELAINE
Oh, no. Don't!
LIPPMAN
I renounce Judaism!
ELAINE
Oy vey!
JERRY
What happened to you, pal?
KRAMER
Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood
kids. They
ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.
JERRY
Are you all right?
KRAMER
Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity
now. Serenity now.
JERRY
So, you're using Frank's relaxation
method?
Kramer (Trying to open a back of chips) Jerry, the anger, it
just melts
right off. Serenity now. Look at this. Serenity now!
Elaine (Entering Jerry's apartment) Hey, what happened to you?
KRAMER
Serenity! (He exits)
ELAINE
Well. You are not gonna believe this.
Now Lippman is
renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What
is
*with* you people? What are you looking at?
JERRY
Sit down, Elaine.
ELAINE
Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more
gentle sobbing.
JERRY
I've been thinking about what it means
to be complete.
ELAINE
Do you have an apple or anything?
JERRY
Look at us, hurtling through space on
this big, blue marble.
ELAINE
Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love
a nectarine.
JERRY
Looking everywhere for some kind of
meaning...
ELAINE
Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh,
banana!
JERRY
When all the while, the real secret
to happiness has been right in
front of us!
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Elaine...
GEORGE
(Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload
of computers) Jerry,
I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself,
I
store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I
bring 'em all
back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's
wrong with your leg?
JERRY
I'm asking Elaine to marry me.
George (Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.
JERRY
Elaine?
ELAINE
Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on
with, uh, Lippman
right now.
JERRY
Lippman?
Elaine (Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?!
Oh,
yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him
a hand.
Come on! Come on!
JERRY
Can I help you?
ELAINE
No. Stay! Stay. Stay.
FRANK
Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your
butt!
George (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr.
Vandelay?
Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?
FRANK
Costanza, you're white hot!
PHONE
If you'd like to make a call, please
hang up and--
FRANK
Hey, Braun, I got good news and bad
news. And they're both the
SAME
you're fired. Costanza, you've won the
water pik!
ESTELLE
You're not gonna give away that water
pik!
FRANK
You wanna bet? Serenity now, serenity
now!
LLOYD
You know, you should tell your dad that
'serenity now' thing
doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you
blow.
GEORGE
What do you know? You were in the nut
house.
LLOYD
What do you think put me there?
GEORGE
I heard they found a family in your
freezer
LLOYD
Serenity now. Insanity later.
JERRY
(Entering the hallway to his apartment)
What happened here,
Kramer?
KRAMER
Serenity now, serenity now...
JERRY
Kramer!
KRAMER
Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come
in. Yeah, the children,
they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.
JERRY
You don't look well.
KRAMER
Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly
at peace with the
world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.
JERRY
Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped
on your last rose.
Kramer (going into his apartment) Jerry, come on. Don't get upset
about
it. There's always next spring. Now will you excuse me for a
moment.
Serenity nooooooooww!
GEORGE
Jerry! I did it! Haha! I beat Braun!
KRAMER
(crashing and banging in his apartment)
Serenity now!
GEORGE
Come on, wanna give me a hand with the
computers?
KRAMER
(Crashing and banging around) Serenity
nooooowwwww!
GEORGE
Why couldn't you squeeze one of those
stupid rubber balls
to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five*
computers?
KRAMER
(Leaving) George, you listen to me.
I owe ya one.
JERRY
He's incorrigible. You want to talk
about it?
GEORGE
Oh, please don't tell me you love me
again, Jerry, I can't handle
it.
JERRY
George, letting my emotions out was
the best thing I've ever done.
Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making
shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?
GEORGE
All right... here goes...
ELAINE
Rabbi, is there anything I can do to
combat this
Shiks-appeal?
RABBI
Ha! Elaine, shiks-appeal is a myth,
like the Yeti, or his North
American cousin, the Sasquatch.
ELAINE
Well, something's goin' on here, 'cause
every able-bodied
Israelite in the county is driving pretty strong to the hoop.
RABBI
Elaine, there's much you don't understand
about the Jewish
religion. For example, did you know that rabbis are allowed to
date?
ELAINE
(About to leave) Well, what does that
have to do...?
RABBI
You know, a member of my congregation
has a timeshare in Myrtle
Beach. Perhaps, if you're not too busy, we could wing on down
after
the High Holidays? Elaine? 'Lainie?
GEORGE
So, that's it. All of my darkest fears,
and... everything I'm
capable of. That's me.
JERRY
Yikes. Well, good luck with all that.
GEORGE
Where you going? I-I thought I could
count on you for a
little compassion.
JERRY
I think you scared me straight.
ELAINE
All right, Jerome, I'm in.
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything
we need is
right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.
JERRY
I tell ya, I don't see it happening.
ELAINE
What? What happened to the new Jerry?
JERRY
He doesn't work here anymore.
ELAINE
Oh, well that's just *great!*
GEORGE
I love you, Jerry.
Jerry (Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick.
GEORGE
You know, all these years, I've always
wanted to see the
two of you get back together.
ELAINE
Well, that's because you're an idiot.
FRANK
You single-handedly brought Costanza
and Son to the brink of
bankruptcy.
GEORGE
Well what about all the Lloyd Braun
sales?
FRANK
He's crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked
up. He just liked ringing
that bell.
ESTELLE
I told you to clean out this garage.
I have to put my car
in!
FRANK
This is a place of business. I told
you never to come in here.
Serenity now!
ESTELLE
All right...
GEORGE
Dad, you really should lay off the 'serenity
now' stuff.
FRANK
So, what am I supposed to say?
GEORGE
'Hoochie mama'?
ESTELLE
Move your crap, I'm comin' in!
FRANK
No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie
mama!
THE END
|
