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ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE SHOWER HEAD



                             Written by

                   Peter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross




 
               
               
               (Elaine in a doctor's office)

               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a 
               physical because as you may or may not 
               know, he and I are going on a trip to 
               Kenya. Africa. My first such mission 
               for the company. The Massai bushmen 
               wear these great sandals and we're gonna 
               knock them off. Not the Massai, the 
               sandals.
 
               
                             DOCTOR
               I'll need a urine sample.

               
                             ELAINE
               Right.

               
               
               
               
               
               George, Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know how hot it gets there? Like 
               150 degrees. Your skin is gonna be simmering 
               with boils.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Come on.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey George, you coming to the Tonight 
               Show on Thursday?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too, 
               is that ok?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, sure. My parents will be there.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The Tonight Show?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, they're in town this week, you 
               wanna go?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Are you doing new material?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't think so.

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing 
               my shower head. Have they
 
               
               changed your shower head?

               
                             JERRY
               No, he's doing mine next. They're low 
               flow you know.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Low flow? Well I don't like the sound 
               of that.
 
               
               Kramer exits.

               
                             ELAINE
               So what are your parents doing here 
               in new York?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, they were humiliated. I mean after 
               the impeachment, my father
 
               
               left office in disgrace.

               
                             ELAINE
               So what are their plans?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, this is the problem. They're moving 
               into this new development.
 
               
               Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready 
               to go back so
 
               
               they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.

               
                             ELAINE
               You mean the three of them in that tiny 
               apartment?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, 
               Lydia. In fact, he moved
 
               
               in with her.

               
                             GEORGE
               Uncle Leo's having regular sex?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole 
               thing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             MORTY
               Jerry, what time do we have to be at 
               the the Tonight Show on Thursday.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You gotta be there at 4:30.

               
                             MORTY
               But it comes on 11:30.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon 
               and then they air it at 11:30.
 
               
                             MORTY
               How long they been doing this?

               
                             JERRY
               30 years.

               
                             MORTY
               Helen, did you know that they tape this 
               thing in the afternoon?
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, I'll see you later.

               
                             ELAINE
               Georgie, how come your parents never 
               moved to Florida?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it is.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean, they're retired.

               
                             JERRY
               No economic reason for them to be here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They have no friends.

               
                             JERRY
               No social reason for them to be here.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You're all grown up.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, they're all through ruining my 
               life. What the hell are they
 
               
               still doing here? Lemme see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, so 
               I'll, uh, get back
 
               
               to you.

               
               George exits with the Del Boca Vista pamphlet.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello?

               
                             HELEN
               Where can I buy some ice? Your father 
               likes a lot of ice.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, maybe get an ice tray?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               I can do that.

               
                             JERRY
               You know Dad just called me.

               
                             HELEN
               Yeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting 
               up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, all right, well I got some people 
               here.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Ok.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, bye. (to Elaine): You see 
               this? Any thought pops into their
 
               
               
               head they're calling me because it's a local call now.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ahh.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. 
               I can't handle this. Plus I got
 
               
               the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!

               
                             ELAINE
               They have no idea when they're going 
               back to Florida?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The only way out of this is if Leo breaks 
               up with his girlfriend and has
 
               
               to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go 
               back to Florida.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How's that gonna happen?

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Uncle Leo at Monk's coffee shop.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               It's about time you called your uncle. 
               We've got to do this once a
 
               
               week.

               
                             JERRY
               Once a week? So how's Lydia?

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Ah, she's a real tiger.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know how you do it.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               A man like you, limiting yourself to 
               one woman, I don't know. But it's
 
               
               
               none of my business.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               What are you talking about?

               
                             JERRY
               Well...

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Look at this, I told them medium rare, 
               it's medium.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, it happens.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He has no idea who you are.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               They don't just overcook a hamburger, 
               Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right. Anyway, the point I was making 
               before Goerbbles made your
 
               
               hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years 
               younger. C'mon
 
               
               Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last 
               time you looked
 
               
               in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, 
               lovely skin,
 
               
               you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. 
               If I were you
 
               
               I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into 
               that bachelor
 
               
               pad and put out a sign; Open for business.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Believe me, I thought about it. But 
               she is so perfect in every way,
 
               
               I can't see a flaw.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, keep looking.

               
               
               
               Elaine and Mr. Peterman at work.

               
                             PETERMAN
               I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. 
               It appears you will not be
 
               
               accompanying me to Africa.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? Why not?

               
                             PETERMAN
               I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. 
               You tested positive for opium.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Opium?

               
                             PETERMAN
               That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. 
               Shanghai Sally.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ihat's impossible, I've never done a 
               drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz
 
               
               must have made a mistake.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have 
               to find someone else to
 
               
               accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for 
               an addict,
 
               
               Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something 
               wrong with this test. I
 
               
               don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call 
               the doctor right
 
               
               now, I'll take a pop urine test.

               
                             PETERMAN
               All right, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. (Drinks 
               a glass of water) I'll be ready
 
               
               in three minutes.

               
               
               
               George and his parents at their home in Queens.

               
                             GEORGE
               Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, 
               these New York winters, huh.
 
               
               Bitter cold, bitter.

               
                             FRANK
               I was out for five minutes before, I 
               couldn't feel my extremities.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               What extremities?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know what the temperature in Florida 
               is today? Eh? Seventy-nine.
 
               
               That's almost eighty. Yeah, I read someplace the life expectancy 
               in Florida is
 
               
               eighty-one and in Queens, seventy-three.

               
                             ESTELLE
               So George, why are you here?

               
                             GEORGE
               What, I can't stop by and visit my parents? 
               (Drops pamphlet on coffee
 
               
               table)

               
                             ESTELLE
               What's this.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's where the Seinfeld's are moving. 
               They got a great deal. Yep.
 
               
               You know what they got in Florida? Jai-Alai! You bet on the games, 
               you clean
 
               
               up.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I don't bet.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about the dolphins? You could swim 
               with the dolphins down there.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I don't swim.

               
                             GEORGE
               You could pet them. They come right 
               out of the water onto the
 
               
               sidewalks.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Are you trying to get rid of us?

               
                             GEORGE
               Rid? Nah, c'mon, the word is 'care'. 
               Care. I care about your
 
               
               comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine, back in the doctor's office. The doctor is consulting 
               a chart and
 
               
               shaking his head no.

               
                             ELAINE
               No?

               
               The doctor hands Elaine the chart, she looks at it in astonishment.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment. Kramer walks in, his trademark 'high hair' 
               is flat.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry? Jerry!

               
               Jerry walks in from the back room, his hair is also flat.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wha, you too?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             KRAMER
               These showers are horrible. There's 
               no pressure, I can't get the
 
               
               shampoo out of my hair.

               
                             JERRY
               Me either.

               
                             KRAMER
               If I don't have a good shower I am not 
               myself. I feel weak and
 
               
               ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               You? What about me? I got the Tonight 
               Show tonight. I'm gonna have to
 
               
               shower in the dressing room.

               
                             KRAMER
               Aw.

               
                             JERRY
               Where are you going?

               
                             KRAMER
               I gotta find another shower.

               
               
               
               
               
               Hallway outside Newman's apartment. Kramer knocks on Newman's 
               door. Newman
 
               
               answers, with flat hair.

               
                             KRAMER
               They got you too?

               
                             NEWMAN
               This stuff is awful! I'm not Newman!
 
               
               
               Kramer backs away then runs down the hall.

               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine's office, Kramer rushes in.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, Elaine. Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, you look terrible.

               
                             KRAMER
               Look, I need the keys to your apartment, 
               I gotta take a shower.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What's wrong with your shower?

               
                             KRAMER
               There's no water pressure.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why don't you just go see Jerry?

               
               Just as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's 
               open office
 
               
               door and pauses.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. 
               You're the only one I know
 
               
               who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel 
               like I got bugs
 
               
               crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Not on my watch! (Grabs Kramer by the 
               collar) I won't
 
               
               have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix 
               somewhere else!
 
               
               (Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed)

               
                             ELAINE
               Mr Peterman! What are you doing?

               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine, you're out of control. You need 
               help.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh?

               
                             PETERMAN
               I know what you're going through. I 
               too once fell under the spell of
 
               
               opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtzee in search of 
               a Mongolian
 
               
               horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown, all of 
               the clothing
 
               
               traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked 
               about. "Just a
 
               
               taste," he said. That was all it took.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going 
               on here. I am not addicted to
 
               
               anything.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial 
               is a long and dangerous one.
 
               
               
               desk. You're fired.

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's dressing room at NBC. Jerry and his parents are there.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               All they serve is chicken?

               
                             JERRY
               There's more food down the hall.

               
                             MORTY
               Wrap it up, we'll take it home.

               
               George walks in with his parents.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Hello Seinfelds.

               
                             MORTY
               Hello.

               
                             HELEN
               Hi.

               
                             FRANK
               This is your dressing room? They treat 
               you like Toscanini.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you could 
               do this. I'm so nervous for
 
               
               you.

               
                             JERRY
               Actually, I'm drunk.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey, how was Florida?

               
                             MORTY
               Well, we just bought a new place down 
               there.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I know, we were looking at the brochure.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               What?

               
                             HELEN
               Why, you thinking of moving?

               
                             FRANK
               Not really.

               
                             MORTY
               Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's 
               nothing available in that
 
               
               development.

               
                             FRANK
               Are you telling me there's not one condo 
               available in all of Del Boca
 
               
               Vista?

               
                             MORTY
               That's right. They went like hotcakes.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               How'd you get yours?

               
                             MORTY
               Got lucky.

               
                             FRANK
               Are you trying to keep us out of Del 
               Boca Vista?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know this doesn't seem like work to 
               any of you, if you could perhaps
 
               
               conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just 
               get a little
 
               
               personal space.

               
               
               
               Monk's coffee shop, Elaine is at the counter eating a muffin 
               and talking with a
 
               
               waitress.

               
                             ELAINE
               How could I have tested positive twice? 
               Once I could understand,
 
               
               that's a mistake. But twice?

               
                             WAITRESS
               Yeah, it's hard to figure.

               
                             ELAINE
               I mean I lost my job, I can't go to 
               Africa. I was gonna meet the
 
               
               bushmen of the Kalahari.

               
                             WAITRESS
               Ah, the bushmen?

               
                             ELAINE
               And the bushwomen.

               
                             MAN
               Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. 
               I
 
               
               notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Well, you know what opium is made from...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Poppies!

               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

               
                             JAY
               Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. 
               Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw
 
               
               some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course 
               my family's nuts; they're
 
               
               crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with 
               Lydia, watching
 
               
               Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with 
               him the other
 
               
               day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, 
               he blames it on
 
               
               anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? 
               Cook's an
 
               
               anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. 
               Doesn't get
 
               
               a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.

               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, listen to this, Uncle Leo broke 
               up with his girlfriend because of
 
               
               
               the bit I did. She thought it was funny, so he accused *her* 
               of being an
 
               
               anti-Semite. They had a huge fight and now he's moving back into 
               his apartment.
 
               
               You know what this means, my parents are gonna go back to Florida... 
               What?
 
               
               What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

               
               Kramer walks in wearing a bathrobe, his hair is still flat.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey Kramer, my parents are gonna have 
               to move back to Florida, isn't
 
               
               that great?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. 
               What's wrong?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No good?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in 
               a tepid pool of my own filth.
 
               
               All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all 
               around me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing 
               could live in that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Chicken?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah.

               
               Elaine enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, this you're not gonna believe. 
               I found out why I was testing
 
               
               positive for opium. Poppy seeds!

               
                             JERRY
               Poppy seeds!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that makes sense. (Offers plate 
               to Elaine) Want some chicken?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested 
               again later, hopefully I'll
 
               
               get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.

               
               There's a knock at the door, Jerry answers it, it's Newman.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello Jerry. Well, I may have a solution 
               to our little problem.
 
               
               Elaine, would you excuse us?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh c'mon, Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I have a private matter to discuss with 
               my fellow tenants. (Opens
 
               
               door) If you don't mind?

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Look, sister, go get yourself a cup 
               of coffee, all right? Beat it!
 
               
               (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's 
               the lowdown.
 
               
               From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black 
               market shower
 
               
               heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what 
               I hear the
 
               
               Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

               
                             JERRY
               Not from the footage I've seen.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon, 
               behind the Market Diner, an
 
               
               unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time. 
               Are you in?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm down.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Jerry?

               
               Jerry nods reluctantly.

               
               
               
               
               
               Frank and Estelle's house.

               
                             ESTELLE
               So, Georgie, we have some big news for 
               you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Big news?

               
                             ESTELLE
               We're moving to Florida.

               
                             GEORGE
               What? You're moving to Florida!?! That's 
               wonderful! I'm
 
               
               so happy! (pause) For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do 
               you need this
 
               
               cold weather for?

               
                             FRANK
               Has nothing to do with the weather, 
               it's because of the Seinfelds.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean?

               
                             FRANK
               They don't want us there, so we're going. 
               We're moving right into Del
 
               
               Boca Vista!

               
                             GEORGE
               So you're moving there for spite!

               
                             FRANK
               Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza 
               what to do!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's right, who the hell are they? 
               How dare they?!
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               So, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit 
               us?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, every chance I get.

               
                             ESTELLE
               Ohhh.

               
               
               
               
               
               George busts into Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's going on?

               
                             GEORGE
               My parents are moving to Florida!

               
                             JERRY
               Are you kidding?

               
                             GEORGE
               Can you believe it? It's happening! 
               It's finally happening! I'm
 
               
               free!!

               
                             JERRY
               Where are they moving to?

               
                             GEORGE
               Del Boca Vista!

               
                             JERRY
               Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents 
               are gonna live!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know!

               
                             JERRY
               We could visit together!

               
                             GEORGE
               Every five years!

               
               They 'high five' each other.

               
                             JERRY
               That's incredible!

               
                             GEORGE
               I know, I know and you know *why* they're 
               moving there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               To spite your parents!

               
                             JERRY
               To spite my parents?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               Your parents are crazy!

               
                             GEORGE
               I know, they're out of their minds! 
               It's fantastic!
 
               
                             JERRY
               My parents are moving back too!

               
                             GEORGE
               Beautiful!

               
               
               
               
               
               Helen and Morty, packing up in Uncle Leo's apartment.

               
                             MORTY
               I'm sorry Leo's moving back here. I'm 
               not ready to go back to Florida.
 
               
                             HELEN
               He was getting along so well with that 
               woman, what happened?
 
               
               Morty shrugs, the phone rings, Morty answers.

               
                             MORTY
               Hello?

               
                             VOICE
               This is Frank Costanza.

               
                             MORTY
               What do you want?

               
                             FRANK
               You think you could keep us out of Florida? 
               We're moving in lock, stock
 
               
               and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the 
               clubhouse.
 
               
               We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you 
               to keep me out!
 
               
               Frank hangs up, Morty hangs up.

               
                             MORTY
               I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment, Jerry and George are toasting their good fortune.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe I didn't push for this 
               sooner.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You have no idea how your life is gonna 
               improve as a result of this.
 
               
               Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy 
               and self
 
               
               confidence than you ever dreamed of.

               
               The phone rings, Jerry answers.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             MORTY
               Hello, Jerry? It's your father.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi dad.

               
                             MORTY
               Listen, is it all right if we move in 
               with you for a little while?
 
               
               Sounds of breaking glass, Jerry dropped his bottle.

               
                             MORTY
               What was that?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. 
               What do you mean, you're gonna
 
               
               move in here?

               
                             MORTY
               Because the Costanzas are moving into 
               Del Boca Vista.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But it's a big complex.

               
                             MORTY
               You don't understand, you gotta have 
               a buffer zone.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs 
               up phone)
 
               
                             GEOPRGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               They're not going back to Florida. They're 
               moving here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What? Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Because your parents are going down 
               there. My buffer zone just went
 
               
               from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer 
               zone for many years. It's my turn
 
               
               
               to live, baby.

               
                             JERRY
               You know what you're doing, don't you? 
               You're killing Independent
 
               
               Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made 
               a big mistake.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Monk's coffee shop, Jerry and Uncle Leo are sharing a booth.
 
               
               
                             LEO
               Move back with Lydia?

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.
 
               
               
                             LEO
               Last week you told me I was in my prime, 
               I should be swinging.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Swinging? What are you, out of your 
               mind? Look at you, you're
 
               
               disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds 
               are emanating from
 
               
               your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can 
               take your
 
               
               presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang 
               on to her like
 
               
               grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.

               
                             LEO
               But she's an anti-Semite.

               
                             JERRY
               Can you blame her?

               
               
               
               
               
               Helen and Morty are unpacking in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             HELEN
               You don't think he minds us staying 
               here, do you?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Why would he mind? We're his parents.
 
               
               
               Elaine walks in picking her teeth, she didn't expect to see Jerry's 
               parents.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
                             HELEN
               Hi Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello. Jerry's not here?

               
                             HELEN
               No.

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh. (pause) Oh my god.

               
                             HELEN
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               A poppy seed! It must have been in the 
               chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm
 
               
               going to the doctor's in a half an hour.

               
                             HELEN
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's a long story.

               
                             HELEN
               Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you gonna do in there?

               
                             HELEN
               What am I gonna do in the bathroom?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You gotta do me a favor.

               
                             HELEN
               Elaine, I really--

               
                             ELAINE
               Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need 
               your sample.
 
               
                             HELEN
               You want my urine?

               
                             ELAINE
               I need a clean urine sample from a woman.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               I don't know.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?

               
                             HELEN
               Well, what am I gonna do it in?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, one of those glasses.

               
                             HELEN
               Jerry's glasses?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his 
               mom.
 
               
               Helen, Oh, I could uh-- Should I use a coffee cup?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.

               
                             HELEN
               Or maybe a juice glass.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               This one is kind of scratched.

               
                             ELAINE
               It doesn't matter.

               
                             HELEN
               Howbout A milk glass.

               
                             ELAINE
               A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, 
               just pick a glass.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry doesn't wash these very well.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a 
               glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Kramer, Newman and a 'salesman' are at the back of a van in an 
               alley.
 
               
                             SALESMAN
               All right, I got everything here. I 
               got the Cyclone F series, Hydra
 
               
               Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you recommend?

               
                             SALESMAN
               What are you looking for?

               
                             KRAMER
               Power, man. Power.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Like Silkwood.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's for radiation.

               
                             NEWMAN
               That's right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Now, what is this?

               
                             SALESMAN
               That's the Commando 450, I don't sell 
               that one. What about thi-
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well that's what we want, the Commando 
               450.
 
               
               Salesman, Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For 
               elephants.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               We'll pay anything. We've got the (hands 
               a wad of money to Kramer)
 
               
               What about Jerry?

               
                             KRAMER
               He couldn't handle that, he's delicate.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Helen and Morty are unpacking in Uncle Leo's apartment.

               
                             HELEN
               It's nice being back at Leo's Jerry's 
               place was too small.
 
               
                             MORTY
               First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. 
               What the hell's going on?
 
               
               There's a knock at the door.

               
                             MORTY
               Who is it?

               
                             SUPER
               It's the super. We're installing new 
               low-flow showerheads in all the
 
               
               bathrooms.

               
                             MORTY
               Low flow? I don't like the sound of 
               that.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Mr. Peterman, in his office, on the telephone.

               
                             PETERMAN
               So as a result of your test being free 
               of opium, I am reinstating you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are 
               we going to Africa?
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               I'm afraid I can't take you.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? Why not?

               
                             PETERMAN
               Elaine, according to your urine analysis, 
               you're menopausal. you
 
               
               have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.

               
                             ELAINE
               But I wanted to see the bushmen.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Oh, and one more thing. You may have 
               osteoporosis.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry is seeing his parents off as the cab driver loads their 
               bags. They have
 
               flat hair.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's been a great visit.

               
                             MORTY
               Jerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing 
               I'm gonna do when I get back to
 
               
               Florida is take a shower.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, at least the Costanzas changed 
               their mind and decided not to move.
 
               
               
               They couldn't bear being away from George.

               
                             HELEN
               George must be happy about that.

               
                             JERRY
               You have no idea.
               
               
               
               George's parents' house, George is sitting on the couch between 
               Frank and Estelle, he's obviously disappointed.

               
                             FRANK
               Take my swim trunks. I won't need them.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               What does he want with your swim trunks?
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Why should they go to waste?!?
               
               
               
               Kramer, in the shower, he's got the Commando 450 shower head 
               hooked up. He 
               turns it on, the water shoots out full blast and knocks him backwards. 
               He grabs 
               the shower curtain for support and tries to reach forward to 
               turn the faucet 
               off, but the force of the water is too great, he only succeeds 
               in knocking over 
               a few shampoo bottles. Kramer is eventually pushed back enough 
               by the water to 
               become entangled in the shower curtain until he eventually falls 
               out of the 
               shower, and out of camera range.

               
               
               
                                THE END



The Shower Head



Writers :   Peter Mehlman  Marjorie Gross
Genres :   Comedy


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