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ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE SLICER



                           Written by

              Darin Henry, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin




 
               
               
               (Elaine wakes up in bed with Jerry.)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Morning.

               
                             ELAINE
               Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like 
               this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But why?

               
                             ELAINE
               I need some space.

               
               (Elaine turns to the other side and there's George.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Does that mean I have to go too?

               
                             JERRY
               You don't think she's just talking to 
               me?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, shut up.

               
                             JERRY
               You shut up.

               
                             ELAINE
               I hate this.

               
               (Kramer pops out the covers.)

               
                             KRAMER
               You'll get used to it. It's like a grubby 
               scrub.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I don't want this anymore.

               
                             JERRY
               We'll come to work with you.

               
                             GEORGE
               And on your dates.

               
                             JERRY
               And shopping.

               
                             KRAMER
               And to the bathroom.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't breath...I'm sorry...(Elaine 
               wakes up) You're killing me!
 
               
                             
               30. She realizes, that alarm comes from 
               next door.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Banging the wall) Turn your alarm off!! 
               (Screams)
 
               
               
               (Mr. Kruger's office. Kruger is reading George's CV.)

               
                             KRUGER
               Your background is impressive George, 
               but how does it apply to what we do 
               here, at Kruger Industrial Smoothing?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, at the Yankees it was all about 
               smoothing things over, you know, chiseling 
               away, grinding down. In fact we used 
               to call it 'the grind'.
 
               
                             KRUGER
               It says here that you worked at Play 
               Now for four days?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That should be 14, let me just...(corrects 
               it with a pen.)
 
               
                             KRUGER
               George, I have to honest; I could go 
               either way with you...but what the hell, 
               we need someone, huh.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You won't regret this, sir.

               
                             KRUGER
               I don't care. Let's find you an office.
 
               
               
                             
               Kruger's family and George on the background.)
 
               
               
               (Monk's cafe. Jerry, George and Kramer.)

               
                             GEORGE
               ...and then when I saw the photo I remembered 
               where I'd seen him; the boom box incident.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The boom box incident?

               
                             GEORGE
               Summer of '89 I'm at the beach. This 
               family sits up next to me. I go in to 
               the surfs and when I come from out, 
               my clothes, my towel, my umbrella, they're 
               all gone. I am furious, I start screaming 
               to these kids demanding my stuff back 
               and finally I lose it; I grab their 
               boom box and I chuck it in to the ocean.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Seems reasonable.

               
                             GEORGE
               Then I see my clothes floating out there. 
               The tied took them out, not the kids.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Even more reasonable.

               
                             GEORGE
               So now, the father is screaming at me, 
               he's demanding that I pay for the boom 
               box. Finally, I gave them a fake address 
               and got the hell out of there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And that guy is your new boss?

               
                             GEORGE
               Until that stupid photo jogs his memory.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Kruger? That's not Kruger Industrial 
               Smoothing, is it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Grinders, sanders, wet stones. They 
               are the ones who botched the Statue 
               of Liberty job.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Right, they couldn't get the green stuff 
               off.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It is a horrible company. There's no 
               management what so ever. I could go 
               hog wild in there.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You now what you do? You sneak that 
               photo out of there for couple of days 
               and get it air brushed.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Like retouched.

               
                             KRAMER
               You remember that photo of me and Gerald 
               Ford and I took it in. Got that Ford 
               right out of there.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, this is good. This Kruger guy is 
               clueless. I can't wait to work for him.
 
               
               
               (George leaves. Kramer tries to eat a sandwich and it brakes 
               in to his hands.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look at this. This sandwich is terrible. 
               Everywhere you go, they give you this 
               misshaped shardy meat. Look at this...
 
               
               
               (Kramer tosses Jerry's sandwich around.)

               
                             KRAMER
               I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13 
               years.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Neither have I.

               
               
               (5A. Kramer is slicing meat with a meat slicer. Jerry comes in.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, our meat problems are solved.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Where did you get this thing?

               
                             KRAMER
               I traded it to my sausage press. Look 
               how thin that is, see that's all surface 
               area. The taste has nowhere to hide.
 
               
               
               (Elaine comes in.)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, spice. (gives Elaine a piece of 
               meat.) Welcome to flavor country.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, that's pretty good.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I got a date with that doctor you 
               met.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Sara Sitarides?

               
                             JERRY
               Mmhu.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...(falls in to the sofa.)

               
                             JERRY
               What's with you?

               
                             ELAINE
               You remember that next door neighbor 
               of mine, the apartment that always smells 
               like potatoes?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Your whole building smells like potatoes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               This jackass goes to Paris, leaves the 
               alarm on. It's been beeping since 3:30 
               this morning.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, that happened to Lomez, so 
               he blew his neighbor's circuit.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How do you do that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me 
               finish this mile high and I'll be right 
               with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna 
               need a case of Kaiser rolls.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I think we might have one left in the 
               stock room.
 
               
               (Kramer looks lost.)

               
               
               (Elaine's building. Elaine and Kramer.)

               
                             KRAMER
               This hallway smells like potatoes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I know, I know, this is it. (points 
               to a door.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Ok, oh, you see this socket it's probably 
               connected to her apartment. So what 
               we'll do, we'll take this paper clip 
               and bend it so it'll short out the entire 
               circuit. Here you go...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I think I'll let you do it.

               
                             KRAMER
               No no no. It's easy, you just...do it 
               quickly.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I really don't want to.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I don't want to either.

               
                             ELAINE
               I thought you had done this before.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               It's just...it's no picnic.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, how are we gonna do it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, fine fine, I'll do it.

               
               (Kramer moisturizes the paper clip in his mouth and sticks it 
               to the power socket. Electric buzz and Kramer twitches on the 
               floor. The lights go off.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh mama.

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you okay?

               
                             KRAMER
               I will lose that nail.

               
               
               (Monk's cafe. Jerry and Dr. Sara Sitarides.)

               
                             SARA
               I enjoy the challenge of medicine. Naturally 
               you have no idea what it's like to have 
               someone's life depending on you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I have this neighbor...

               
                             SARA
               A joke. Do you have any idea how it 
               feels like to save someone's life?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is it anything like hitting a home run 
               in softball?
 
               
                             SARA
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               Cause I hit a whopper last week!

               
               
               (Flash Foto. George is picking up the photo.)

               
                             CLERK
               Here you go, airbrushed in to sand and 
               sky.
 
               
               (George looks at the picture and he is still there, but Kruger 
               isn't.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What did you do here? You took out the 
               wrong guy.
 
               
                             CLERK
               I thought you said you wanted to be 
               out?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm still here. You took out the 
               other guy!
 
               
                             CLERK
               You've really lost a lot of hair.

               
                             GEORGE
               I am aware!

               
               
               (Elaine's apartment. She is reading a catalog on her bed.)

               
                             ELAINE THINKING
               Hmm, the world's best pizza cutter. 
               76 bucks, how often do I make...oh, 
               I've gotta buy a book.
 
               
               (She hears a loud cat meowing next door.)

               
                             ELAINE
               The cat.

               
               
               (5A, Jerry, George and Kramer.)

               
                             JERRY
               He took out Kruger?

               
                             GEORGE
               I just pray Kruger doesn't realize that 
               it's gone until this guy can fix it 
               up.
 
               
               (Kramer cuts meat wearing a white coat.)

               
                             KRAMER
               This slicer is indomitable.

               
                             JERRY
               Where did you get that butcher's coat?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You buy enough meat, they'll give you 
               anything.
 
               
               (Elaine comes in.)

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, my neighbor has a cat. When 
               you blew the power, we must've shut 
               off the automatic feeder.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               See, that's the same thing that happened 
               to Lomez.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What did he do about it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he moved to a hotel and the cat 
               eventually died.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, this meowing is absolutely worst 
               than the alarm.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, that's a prickly one.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, how's the doctor date?

               
                             JERRY
               Eh, died on the table. Just spent hour 
               and a half making me feel, if I don't 
               save lives, I'm worthless.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, she's very focused. Dermatology 
               is her life.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Dermatology?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, she's a dermatologist.

               
                             JERRY
               Saving lives? The whole profession is; 
               eh, just put some aloe on it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               The slicer! Elaine, let's go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Where are we going?

               
                             KRAMER
               The cat. Just grab that meat and let's 
               ride.
 
               
               (Elaine and Kramer leave.)

               
                             GEORGE
               When are you going on your next date 
               with her?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, what's the point?

               
                             GEORGE
               What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful 
               opportunity to put that aloe pusher 
               in her place?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Revenge date? That sound like you more 
               than me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving 
               lives? She's one step away working at 
               the clinique counter!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Dermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Of course not! Wash it, dry it, move 
               on!
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're right. I'm gonna call her right 
               now and tell her off.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No no no no no, this has to be carefully 
               orchestrated. You go to a fancy dinner, 
               flowers...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Flowers?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, you gotta do it classy (wipes 
               his mouth to his sweater.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, you've done this?

               
                             GEORGE
               Almost. Couldn't get the girl go out 
               with me the second time.
 
               
               
               (Elaine's hallway. Kramer and Elaine are sizing the space under 
               the door.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I think we are looking half a millimeter.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Can it cut that thin?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't 
               even see them.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How did you know you cut it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I guess I just assumed.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hold on kitty, dinner's coming.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, that's a hall of famer.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, let's do it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, here we go. Yeah, watch that 
               baby slide...(Puts a slice of meat under 
               the door.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Come on, come on kitty...(slice disappears) 
               ooh...how about that; it worked! Wow, 
               can I borrow that thing for a while?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh no, I don't think so.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why not?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you're not checked at on it.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What do I have to know?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, where the meat goes?

               
                             ELAINE
               Right there.

               
                             KRAMER
               Where do you turn it on?

               
                             ELAINE
               Right there.

               
                             KRAMER
               But where does the meat go?

               
               (Jerry is on the revenge date with Sara.)

               
                             SARA
               Restaurant, flowers...this is so nice.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life 
               saving business?
 
               
                             SARA
               It's fine.

               
                             JERRY
               It must take a really really big zit, 
               to kill a man!
 
               
                             SARA
               What is with you?

               
                             JERRY
               You call yourself a lifesaver. I call 
               you pimple popper MD!
 
               
               (A man comes to the table.)

               
                             PARRY
               Dr. Sitarides?

               
                             SARA
               Mr. Parry, how are you?

               
                             PARRY
               I just wanted to thank you again for 
               saving my life.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She saved your life?

               
                             PARRY
               I had skin cancer.

               
                             JERRY
               Skin cancer! Damn.

               
               
               (Elaine's apartment. She is opening letters with the slicer and 
               talking on the phone.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You were right Kramer, this slicer is 
               absolutely amazing...yeah, yeah...no 
               no no I'll bring it by tonight...ok 
               bye.
 
               (Walks off the couch.)

               
                             ELAINE
               These heals are so uneven. (Watches 
               the slicer.)
 
               
               
               (Flash foto. George is picking up the photo.)

               
                             CLERK
               Here you Mr. Costanza.

               
               (George looks at the photo. Mr. Kruger has been drawn in to the 
               picture.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What is this? This is a drawing.

               
                             CLERK
               Looks real, doesn't it?

               
                             GEORGE
               This is a cartoon!

               
                             CLERK
               Hey, I had to draw that guy from memory. 
               Considering, I think that's damn good.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               But it's not a photograph, I need a 
               photograph!
 
               
                             CLERK
               Then you better get a camera.

               
               
               (5A, George is showing Jerry the picture.)

               
                             JERRY
               He looks like a Peanuts character.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I know. The only way to fix it now, 
               is to get a whole new photo of Kruger.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You can do that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Without his shirt on.

               
                             JERRY
               You can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger 
               wasn't the place for you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It seemed so disorganized.

               
                             JERRY
               I understand.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about the Coast Guard? Seems like 
               a lot of pride there, a lot of tradition.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               True. You mean, for you?

               
                             GEORGE
               I think.

               
                             JERRY
               What about your sea sickness?

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe I could be a land guy.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know if they have land guys.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Someone's have to unhook the boat before 
               it leaves...the place!
 
               
               (Elaine comes in.)

               
                             ELAINE
               Pliers?

               
                             JERRY
               Drawer.

               
                             ELAINE
               Got it.

               
                             JERRY
               What are they for?

               
                             ELAINE
               I...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck 
               in a slicer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come again?

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, I got a little slicer happy, but 
               listen; don't tell Kramer, okay? He 
               has very strong feelings for it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I forgot to ask you; how did the revenge 
               date go?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Eh, it went okay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you dressed nice, did you do it 
               classy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I started out real classy...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah you did, you classed it up!

               
                             JERRY
               But then I found out about the skin 
               cancer.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, so it backfired?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, I guess I was lucky that I never 
               tried that myself.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Of course she treats skin cancer. That's 
               how I met her, she was doing a skin 
               cancer screening at Peterman. That's 
               what dermatologists do.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sadly, that knowledge could've help 
               me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a minute, she did a skin cancer 
               screening at Peterman?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Aha.

               
                             GEORGE
               Could she do that at Kruger?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know, I guess.

               
                             GEORGE
               So I set up a screening, everyone takes 
               their shirt off and click, I snap me 
               a shot of a bear-chested Kruger.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You have a little thing for this fella'?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yesterday you said I had to get my revenge 
               on her!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And that was wrong, Jerry! You simple 
               must to apologize..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Must I?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes! Because it is the mature, adult 
               thing to do.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How does that reflect me?

               
               (Kramer comes in.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, alright where's the SP2000? 
               Cause I gotta slice.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Aah, I forgot it. I gotta get home.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ok, I'll go with you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Umm, I'm not actually going straight 
               to home, I have to first stop at the 
               eh...circus, you know with all the...clowns.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, well you have fun...(Elaine leaves) 
               oh no clowns...hate clowns...the clowns.
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry and Sara at Sara's office.)

               
                             JERRY
               So again, I'm sorry. I had no right 
               to yell at you, you're a life saving 
               doctor and I'm just a comedian...
 
               
               
                             SARA
               Jerry, enough. I'll do your friend's 
               cancer screening, because I believe 
               in that, but as far as you and I are 
               concerned; it's off.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Was it pimple popper MD?

               
                             SARA
               That's the one. (Taps Jerry on the cheek 
               and leaves.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Still got it.

               
               
               (Elaine is trying to get the shoe heal off the slicer.)

               
                             ELAINE
               Out, damn heal!

               
               (Knock on the door.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine?

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah listen, I need my slicer back.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Just hold on!

               
               (Elaine bangs the slicer to the door.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, what's going on?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nothing...(heal comes loose and Elaine 
               opens the door.) Here, ok I'm on the 
               phone alright? I'm on the phone with 
               someone...
 
               
               (Elaine closes the door and Kramer checks the slices.)

               
                             KRAMER
               My blade is all dinged up. Oh, come 
               on! Elaine!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Phone call! I'm in a big phone call!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Come on, this is important! (Shakes 
               the door handle and it comes loose. 
               Kramer falls backwards to the next door.)
 
               
               
                             NEIGHBOR
               Hey, get the hell out of here!

               
                             KRAMER
               Wow, that's a lot of potatoes.

               
               
               (5A. Jerry and Kramer.)

               
                             KRAMER
               So, George took my slicer down to Kruger 
               and they're smoothing it out for me.
 
               
               
               (Jerry comes and shows Kramer his neck, which has red spots all 
               over it.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What the hell is this?

               
                             KRAMER
               Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. 
               Have you been wearing a fake beard?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what have you been doing?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing, I got up, run some errands, 
               I went down to Sara's office and apologized...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what 
               happened there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't 
               go over that well...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               There, there's your hives.

               
                             JERRY
               What, she gave me hives?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth, 
               can maketh ill.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She did kind of touch my face.

               
                             KRAMER
               Now you listen to me, you've got to 
               find this woman and tell her that you're 
               not a test tube pin cushion.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It does itch. Maybe I will go down at 
               Kruger and talk to her.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, great, because I got to get 
               down there and pick up my blade. Hey, 
               and I couldn't find that stock room.
 
               
               
               
               (Elaine tries to go to feed the cat, but door knob comes loose 
               to her hand.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, that's fantastic.

               
               
               (Kruger's. George and Sara.)

               
                             GEORGE
               I just talked to Mr. Kruger, he'll be 
               down in a minute. He wanted me to take 
               a photograph for the record.
 
               
                             SARA
               What record?

               
                             GEORGE
               His personal file, I, I don't ask...
 
               
               
               (Jerry and Kramer walk in.)

               
                             SARA
               Jerry? What brings you here?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, this? (Shows his neck 
               to Sara.)
 
               
                             SARA
               Looks like hives.

               
                             JERRY
               Where do you suppose that could've come 
               from?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, what are you doing...

               
                             KRAMER
               He is just setting the record straight.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand 
               of perverted science do you practice?
 
               
               
                             SARA
               Are you suggesting I somehow I infected 
               you on purpose?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I want the antidote, pimple popper!
 
               
               
                             SARA
               That's it, I'm out of here! You're insane.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Am I? You touched my face. I didn't 
               imagine that!
 
               
               (Sara leaves and Jerry goes after her.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Dr. Sitarides don't go! Oh, thanks Jerry!
 
               
               
               (Kruger comes to George and Kramer. Kramer is wearing the white 
               butcher's coat.)
 
               
                             KRUGER
               Hey George, hey Doc. We doing the screening 
               here?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Aah, yeah, yeah. Won't you head on in, 
               we'll be in in a second. Be right with 
               you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Doc, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, this is perfect. I need you 
               to go in there, pretend you're a doctor 
               and check this guy for moles.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Moles, yes. Freckle's ugly cousin.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               And get a picture of him, with his shirt 
               off.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You really are cooking up a little scheme 
               here, aren't you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, lets get in there. Quick, quick, 
               quick...
 
               
               
               (Elaine's bedroom. Cat is meowing next door.)

               
                             ELAINE
               This is it. I can take this anymore.
 
               
               
                             
               Slow Ride) and "dances" few little kicks.)
 
               
               
               
               (Kruger's. Kramer is examining Mr. Kruger.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Male mammal. Approximately 30 to 60 
               years of age. Weight...uh indeterminate. 
               Ok, Mr. Kruger, we are gonna take a 
               photo now for the records. So if you'll 
               stand up please and give me a big smile, 
               oh no no no, not that big. Yeah, that's 
               nice, yes okay. Yes, let's have a looksee...ok, 
               so eh, fiber from shirt on the left 
               shoulder. I'm gonna have to keep my 
               on that.
 
               
                             KRUGER
               How long have you been doing this Dr. 
               Van Nostrand?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uuh, long long time. Yes, I've seen 
               moles so big they have their own moles. 
               Freckles that cover two men.
 
               
                             KRUGER
               So, how am I looking?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, so far, so good...(looks at Mr. 
               Kruger's shoulder) yeuye...
 
               
               (Kramer comes out to talk to George.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, I really owe you one.

               
                             KRAMER
               George, we got a problem.

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, he's got a mole on his shoulder. 
               Very suspicious.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, tell him you're concerned about 
               it and he should see someone else.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               George, why would I, a Juilliard trained 
               dermatologist, send him to another doctor?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Because, you're not a dermatologist.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               He thinks I am. I'm not gonna betray 
               that trust. Here's what I wanna do; 
               I think I can get a section...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Whoa, whoa, a section?!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, if I could crab my slicer and 
               he'd hold still...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, you're not taking a deli slicer 
               to my boss...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It'll be operative thing, he would barely 
               feel it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No! Absolutely Not!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's my medical opinion, that 
               you're making a big mistake. And it's 
               going in my chart.
 
               
               
                             
               In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida))

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, hello is this Allied Lock Smith?! 
               Oh, finally, listen I need someone to 
               come over here right away!
 
               
                             NEIGHBOR
               Turn it off! Turn it off!

               
                             ELAINE
               I am getting a lock smith, alright?! 
               Relax!
 
               
                             NEIGHBOR
               Alright, that's it!

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, the address is 78th West...

               
               (Electric buzz and lights go off and music stops.)

               
                             NEIGHBOR
               Oh, oh mama...

               
               
               (5A. Jerry and George.)

               
                             JERRY
               So, Kramer pulled it off?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yep, and the photo was all fixed and 
               back on his desk, no thanks to you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, that woman had it coming to her. 
               Look at my neck, it looks like I had 
               a beard of bees!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why don't you see someone about it?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I've called everyone. You know how hard 
               it is to get a dermatologist in this 
               town? (Kramer comes in) A real dermatologist.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Points to a page on the book) Squamous 
               cell carcinoma.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're not a doctor. You shouldn't even 
               have books like this.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               George, that's what he has and I have 
               to give him a call. Now we gotta came 
               clean.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You can't tell him the truth, you're 
               gonna blow the whole thing.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't want this on my conscience.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll get him to see a real doctor. You 
               just stay away from this.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, alright...

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I wonder if they have a picture 
               of my rash in here.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               They've got everything there, Jerry. 
               I underlined the best parts.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, this looks like the thing I have. 
               Caused by exposure to benzene, a common 
               ingredient in metal cleaners.
 
               
               (Kramer cleans the blade with some liquid and a towel.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that's weird.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm cleaning my slicer.

               
                             JERRY
               That's my hand towel! I use that on 
               my face, hands and chest! That's where 
               the hives are coming from! It's not 
               from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van 
               Nostrand!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting 
               to the poison she's giving you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo 
               with you (throws the bottle to Kramer.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ohh, that's toxic. (Jerry throws the 
               towel over Kramer's head.) Ououou....
 
               
               
               
               (Kruger's office.)

               
                             KRUGER
               George, come in. I'm just going over 
               our annual report...boy did we take 
               it on the chin last year.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Eh, listen Mr. Kruger, I got a message 
               from Dr. Van Nostrand and he says it 
               might be wise to you to see another 
               doctor about that mole.
 
               
                             KRUGER
               I'm not too worried about it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, he said it could be cancer, maybe 
               you should get it checked out.
 
               
                             KRUGER
               George, take a look at this photo. This 
               is taken 10 years ago. That mole looks 
               exactly as it does today. So, there's 
               no cause for concern, eh?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Whatever.

               
                             KRUGER
               Actually, funny thing about this photo. 
               We were at the beach and there was this 
               dumb looking guy near by. When he went 
               in for a swim, my sons and I took all 
               his stuff and threw it in the ocean! 
               What a pear shaped loser.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, that pear shaped loser was me! 
               And I was in that photo, until I broke 
               in here, stole the photograph and airbrushed 
               myself out of there!
 
               
                             KRUGER
               Well, I'll be...you have lost a lot 
               of hair.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's what they tell me!

               
               
               (Jerry, George and Kramer are waiting for the lock smith at the 
               hallway of Elaine's apartment. Kramer is feeding Elaine under 
               the door.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Do you want more pastrami?

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, what was that last thing you gave 
               me? That was pretty good.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, it was olive loaf. You want that?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you 
               after all you did.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He said he didn't care. Oh, God I love 
               that place. Hey, have you seen other 
               dermatologist?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian. 
               He said it was really bad.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What did he give you for it.

               
                             JERRY
               Aloe. So where's that lock smith?

               
                             GEORGE
               Have to give him time on this hour.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Can I have a zip? (Sticks a straw out 
               from keyhole.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, coming up...

               
                

                             THE END



The Slicer



Writers :   Darin Henry  Gregg Kavet  Andy Robin
Genres :   Comedy


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