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                      THE SNIFFING ACCOUNTANT



                             Written by

                    Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld




 
               
               
               (Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's Cafe)

               
                             JERRY
               So, does he like you?

               
                             ELAINE
               What do you think?

               
                             JERRY
               You like him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah like him, definitely like 
               him. I like him a lot.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What's wrong with him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nothing, and I've looked.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm sure you'll find something.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, how did you meet him?

               
                             ELAINE
               In the office.

               
                             JERRY
               So, he's a writer.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, big surprise.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, I was sitting at the reception desk, 
               I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing 
               my sling back pumps.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What are those?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ask your mother, you live with her now, 
               don't you? Anyway, so then this guy 
               comes up to me and starts feeling my 
               jacket through his thumb and his forefinger
 
               
               
               like this.

               
                             JERRY
               So, what did you do?

               
                             ELAINE
               I said: "So, what do you think?". And 
               he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." 
               That was it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wow, just felt your material?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah...Jake Jarmel.

               
                             GEORGE
               Sounds like a cool guy.

               
                             JERRY
               Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, 
               come on.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, where did you get that sweater?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you think? I found it at the 
               back of my closet.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I think that's what the back of closets 
               are for.
 
               
               Elaine looks out the window

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey...

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who's that?

               
                             JERRY
               That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know how you can let this guy 
               handle all your money.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles 
               Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.
 
               
               
               Barry comes in

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Barry, how you doing? This is my 
               friend George.
 
               
                             BARRY
               Hi George.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, what are you doing on this neighborhood?
 
               
               
                             BARRY
               Nothing really. sniffs You, eh, you 
               eat here?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, so how's my money?

               
                             BARRY
               Still green. sniffs

               
                             JERRY
               What, you got a cold?

               
                             BARRY
               No, no.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wow, look at that ring.

               
                             BARRY
               Oh, you like that? sniffs Say, where's 
               the bathroom?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Bathroom, bathroom is right over there.
 
               
               
               Barry goes to bathroom

               
                             JERRY
               Did you see that?

               
                             ELAINE
               See what?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, I saw that.

               
                             JERRY
               What was all that sniffing?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               You don't think...?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no! Come on Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               He was definitely sniffing.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean what if, what if, this this guy 
               has got all my money. Plus he has got 
               some Kramer's money with him. This guy 
               can write checks to himself right out 
               of my account.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I have known this guy since college. 
               He doesn't do drugs.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Then, what was all that sniffing?

               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe it's the cold weather.

               
                             JERRY
               Today is not cold.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, I've got to get going. My 
               parents are expecting me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Don't forget to wash your hands before 
               supper.
 
               
               
               
               Costanza's. George, Estelle and Frank are eating dinner. George 
               is pounding a ketchup bottle.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Why do you need all that ketchup for?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup 
               just so I could have as much as I want.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               So, I talked to Phil Casacof today.
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Phil Casacof?

               
                             FRANK
               Yeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman. 
               He says they are looking maybe to put 
               somebody on so I got you an interview 
               next Friday with his boss.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Next Friday, what time?

               
                             FRANK
               2 o'clock.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's my whole afternoon! I was going 
               to look for sneakers.
 
               
                             FRANK
               You can look for sneakers the next day!
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               He doesn't know anything about bras.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I know a little. Besides, what do you 
               have to know?
 
               
                             FRANK
               Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in the 
               and be able to discuss it intelligently. 
               Maybe you should take a look at a few 
               bras? Where is you bra? Give him a bra 
               to look.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               I am not giving him a bra.

               
                             FRANK
               Why not?

               
                             ESTELLE
               Because I don't need him looking at 
               my bra.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Why, so he'll go to the interview and 
               he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Do we have to...?

               
                             FRANK
               You don't even know what they're made 
               from.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They are made from lycra-spandex.

               
                             FRANK
               Get out of here! Lycra-spandex?

               
                             ESTELLE
               I think they are made from lycra-spandex.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Wanna bet? How much you wanna bet?
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               I'm not betting!

               
                             FRANK
               Take a look.

               
                             ESTELLE
               All right, I'll get a bra.

               
                             FRANK
               I don't know what the big problem is 
               getting a bra?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She doesn't want to get a bra.

               
                             FRANK
               I'm not saying go to the library and 
               read the whole history, but it wouldn't 
               kill you to know a little bit about 
               it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, it wouldn't kill me.

               
                             FRANK
               How long it takes to find a bra? What's 
               going on in there? You ask me to get 
               a pair of underwear, I'm back in two 
               seconds...you know about the cup sizes 
               and all? They have different cups.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I-I know about the cups.

               
                             FRANK
               You got the A, B, C the D. That's the 
               biggest.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know the D is the biggest. I've based 
               my whole life on knowing that the D 
               is the biggest.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               Here, here's the bra.

               
                             FRANK
               Let me see it.

               
               
                             FRANK
               Let me see it.

               
                             ESTELLE
               I told you. Here, think you know everything?
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               Hmm, that's surprising. All right, what 
               else? You got the cups in the front, 
               two loops in the back. All right, a 
               guess that's about it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I got it. Cups in the front, loops in 
               the back.
 
               
                             ESTELLE
               You got ketchup on it!

               
               George takes his plate and the ketchup and leaves.

               
               -

               
               5A. Jerry and Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Sniffing, with his nose.

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, he probably had a cold.

               
                             JERRY
               No, I asked him.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, what are you saying?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, you know, what if...?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Drugs? You think he's on drugs?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. All I know he was sniffing.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, listen, we went in on a CD together.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know.

               
                             KRAMER
               And Newman gave you money too. I didn't 
               even meet this guy. We trusted you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything 
               yet, it just means he was sniffing.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did 
               he use a lot of slang? Did he use the 
               word 'man'?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, he didn't use 'man'.

               
                             KRAMER
               I mean when he was leaving did he say 
               I'm splittin' ?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, but in one point he did use the 
               bathroom.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Whoh!

               
                             JERRY
               Do you think that's a bad sign?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They 
               live in the bathroom! All right, what 
               are we going to do? We are going to 
               get our money back, right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. This sweater really itches 
               me. You want it?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               
               
               Elaine's apartment. Jake is there and Elaine comes in.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.... hello, oh...

               
                             JAKE
               Well, you notice anything?

               
                             ELAINE
               You have cleaned out the whole apartment 
               and you're making dinner. Oh, you are 
               a perfect, you are a perfect man.
 
               
               
               Jake feels Elaine's coat material.

               
                             JAKE
               Ooh...

               
                             ELAINE
               Did anyone call?

               
                             JAKE
               I got a few messages, I wrote them down.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Where are they?

               
                             JAKE
               Lets see, they are...here they are.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Thank you. Heh, I'll call you back.Ooh, 
               Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's 
               wonderful! Who called?
 
               
                             JAKE
               She did.

               
                             ELAINE
               She did? Oh, that's so great!

               
                             JAKE
               Where do you keep the corkscrew?

               
                             ELAINE
               In the drawer on the right. Hmm...
 
               
               
                             JAKE
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh it's nothing.

               
                             JAKE
               What is it?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's nothing.

               
                             JAKE
               Tell me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I was just curious why you didn't 
               use an exclamation point?
 
               
                             JAKE
               What are you talking about?

               
                             ELAINE
               See, right here you wrote "Myra had 
               the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation 
               point.
 
               
                             JAKE
               So?

               
                             ELAINE
               So, it's nothing. Forget it, forget 
               it, I just find it curious.
 
               
                             JAKE
               What's so curious about it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I mean if one of your close friends 
               had a baby and I left you a message 
               about it, I would use an exclamation 
               point.
 
               
                             JAKE
               Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation 
               points as haphazardly as you do.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You don't think that someone having 
               a baby warrants an exclamation point.
 
               
               
                             JAKE
               Hey, I just chalked down the message. 
               I didn't know I was required to capture 
               the mood of each caller.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I just thought you would be a little 
               more excited about a friend of mine 
               having a baby.
 
               
                             JAKE
               Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen 
               to like exclamation points.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you know Jake, you should learn 
               to use them. Like the way I'm talking 
               right now, I would put an exclamation 
               points at the end of all these sentences! 
               On this one! And on that one!
 
               
                             JAKE
               Well, you can put one on this one: I'm 
               leaving!
 
               
               
               
               5A. Jerry and Elaine

               
                             JERRY
               You're out of your mind you know that.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               It's an exclamation point! It's a line 
               with a dot under it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I felt a call for one.

               
                             JERRY
               A call for one, you know I thought I've 
               heard everything. I've never heard a 
               relationship being affected by a punctuation.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I found it very troubling that he didn't 
               use one.
 
               
                             JERRY
               George was right. Didn't take you long.
 
               
               
               Kramer enters

               
                             KRAMER
               Anything new on that guy on drugs?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               He's not on drugs.

               
                             KRAMER
               Then why the sniffing? Who walks around 
               sniff, sniff sniffing?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               All right, here, you call him right 
               now. See if he's sniffing right now.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Good idea.

               
                             VOICE ON THE PHONE
               Prophet and Goldstein.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, 
               please.
 
               
                             VOICE
               I'm sorry he's out of town.

               
                             JERRY
               Out of town?

               
                             VOICE
               Yes, he went to South America.

               
                             JERRY
               South America?

               
                             KRAMER
               South America?

               
                             JERRY
               I'll call back, thank you. He went to 
               South America!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yyyeeaaah!!

               
                             ELAINE
               So what?

               
                             JERRY
               Who goes to South America?

               
                             ELAINE
               People go to South America.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, and they come back with things 
               taped to they're large intestine.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So, because of a few bad apples you're 
               gonna impugn an entire continent?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I say we're going to take our 
               money right now!
 
               
               Newman enters

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey, hey...

               
                             JERRY
               Hello Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello Jerry. So, any news?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, he skipped out and ptruut went 
               to South America!
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               South America?! What kind of snow blower 
               did you get us mixed up with?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ok, gentlemen. The fact remains you 
               still have no proof. This is all speculation 
               and hearsay.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Wait, there is one way to find out. 
               We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. 
               Like Abscam Jerry.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you gonna do? You gonna put 
               on a phony beard and dress-up like Arab 
               sheiks and sit around in some hotel 
               room. I mean come on...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second. Maybe there is someway 
               we can tempt him and find out...
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               If we put our three heads together we 
               should come up with something.
 
               
               -

               
               Jerry, Kramer and Newman in the Saab

               
                             KRAMER
               What's today?

               
                             NEWMAN
               It's Thursday.

               
                             KRAMER
               Really? Feels like Tuesday.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, 
               Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...

               
                             JERRY
               All right, shut up the both of you! 
               You're making me nervous. Where is he 
               already? He should've been out of work 
               by now.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey, you know this is kind of fun.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, maybe we oughta become private 
               detectives...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah maybe you should.

               
                             KRAMER
               Maybe I will.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah, me too.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, what are you gonna say to 
               him?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Just gonna find out if he's interested.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, you stay in the car.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Who made you the leader?

               
                             JERRY
               All right Newman, one more peep out 
               of you and you're out of the whole operation! 
               There he is. He's going to that bar.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, I'm going in.

               
                             JERRY
               Be careful Kramer.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I've should've gone in with him.

               
                             JERRY
               No, you stay here in the car. I may 
               need you.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               What you need me in the car for?

               
                             JERRY
               I might need you to get me a soda.
 
               
               
               
               
               In the bar. Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'll have a brewsky , Charlie.

               
                             BARTENDER
               Name's Mitch.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, there's nothing like a cold one 
               after a long day, eh?
 
               
                             BARRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, I've been known to drink a 
               beer or two. But then again, I've been 
               known to do a lot of things.
 
               
               Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head

               
                             KRAMER
               Cigarette?

               
                             BARRY
               No, I never touch them.

               
                             KRAMER
               I suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well 
               here's to feeling good all the time.
 
               
               
               Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time
 
               
               
               Barry sniffs

               
                             KRAMER
               Looks like you've got yourself a little 
               cold there, eh?
 
               
                             BARRY
               I don't think so.

               
                             KRAMER
               Me neither.

               
               Kramer puts the cigarette wrong way to his mouth

               
               
               
               Back in the car with Jerry and Newman.

               
                             JERRY
               You should try this new dental floss 
               Glide, it's fantastic.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I use dental tape.

               
                             JERRY
               You should try this.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I don't wanna.

               
                             JERRY
               Not even once?

               
                             NEWMAN
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               You're an idiot.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Why, because I use dental tape?

               
                             JERRY
               Right, anyone who uses dental tape is 
               an idiot.
 
               
               
               
               Back in the bar.

               
                             KRAMER
               South America?

               
                             BARRY
               Yeah, yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's importuning(?) continent.

               
                             BARRY
               They are expanding their economic base.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Tell me about it.

               
                             BARRY
               Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm hip.

               
                             BARRY
               Hip to the what?

               
                             KRAMER
               To the whole scene. sniff

               
                             BARRY
               What scene?

               
                             KRAMER
               The bathroom scene. sniff, sniff

               
                             BARRY
               Listen, don't take this personally, 
               but when I'm coming back I'm sitting 
               over there.
 
               
               
               
               Back in the car. Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               No, no I don't like it.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean you don't like it? 
               How could you not like it?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I like the thick tape.

               
               Newman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted.
 
               
               
               
               
               The bar. Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and 
               takes a photograph.
 
               
                             BARRY
               Heeyy!! What kind of a nut are you?
 
               
               
               
               
               George's job interview.

               
                             FARKUS
               So, basically the job here is quite 
               simple. Selling bras.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, that interests me very much Mr. 
               Farkus.Very much indeed, sir.
 
               
                             FARKUS
               Have you ever sold a woman's line before?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, but I have very good repute with 
               women, very good, top form. And the 
               first time I laid my I on brassieres 
               I was enthralled.
 
               
                             FARKUS
               Hum. tell me about it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I was 14 years old. I was in my 
               friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres 
               were hanging on the shower rod. I picked 
               it up, studied it. I thought, I like 
               this. I didn't know what way or what 
               level, but I knew: I wanted to be around 
               brassieres.
 
               
                             FARKUS
               That's incredible story. You have a 
               remarkable passion for brassieres.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They are more than an underwear to me 
               Mr.Farkus. Two cups in the front, two 
               loops in the back. How do they do it?
 
               
               
                             FARKUS
               Well, I think I can say, barring some 
               unforeseen incident, that you'll have 
               a very bright future here at ED Granmont.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Thank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very 
               much indeed.
 
               
                             FARKUS
               See you monday 9 o'clock.

               
                             GEORGE
               If you don't mind, sir. I'll be here 
               at 8.
 
               
                             FARKUS
               Excellent.

               
                             GEORGE
               So long, Mr. Farkus.

               
               George leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there 
               is waiting for the elevator. George felts her blouse material.
 
               
               
                             MS. DE GRANMONT
               What you're think you're doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, nothing...

               
                             MS. DE GRANMONT
               Farkus, get out here!

               
                             FARKUS
               Yes, Ms. De Granmont?

               
                             MS. DE GRANMONT
               Who is this pervert little weasel?
 
               
               
                             FARKUS
               This is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman. 
               He's supposed to start on monday.
 
               
               
                             MS. DE GRANMONT
               If he's here on monday, you're not. 
               Take a pick.
 
               
                             FARKUS TO GEORGE
               Get out!

               
               
               -

               
               Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.

               
                             ELAINE
               You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?
 
               
               
                             LIPPMAN
               I was just going over the Jake Jarmel 
               book and I understand you worked with 
               him very closely.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, krhm, yes I did.

               
                             LIPPMAN
               And, anyway I was just reading your 
               final edit, um, there seems to be an 
               inordinate number of exclamation points.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I felt that the writing lacked 
               certain emotion and intensity.
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               Oh, "It was damp and chilly afternoon, 
               so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Right, well...

               
                             LIPPMAN
               You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               That's that's correct, I-I felt that 
               the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...
 
               
               
                             LIPPMAN
               I see, "I pulled the lever on the machine, 
               but the Clark bar didn't come out!" 
               Exclamation point?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, yeah, you know how frustrating 
               that can be when you keep putting quarters 
               and quarters in to machine and then 
               prrt nothing comes out...
 
               
                             LIPPMAN
               Get rid of the exclamation points...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ok, ok ok ...

               
                             LIPPMAN
               I hate exclamation points...

               
                             ELAINE
               ...ok I'll just....

               
               --

               
               5A. Jerry, Kramer, Newman writing a letter. Elaine reads on the 
               couch.
 
               
                             JERRY
               'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to 
               be official termination of our relationship 
               effective immediately.'
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Exclamation point.

               
                             ELAINE
               You still have no proof.

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around 
               me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               'I will expect all funds in form of 
               cashier checks no later than the 18th'.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Double exclamation point!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Will that take care of ours too?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as 
               I get my money back.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on 
               my way out anyway.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, thanks.

               
                             NEWMAN
               It'll be my pleasure.

               
               Kramer puts the photograph to the envelope. Newman and Kramer 
               laughs and Newman leaves.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               See'ya later.

               
                             JERRY
               You know this...

               
               Knock on the door. It's pizzaguy

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Ralph.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Ralph.

               
                             RALPH
               What's up fellows? That'll be 14,30.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
               Ralph sniffs and rubs his eyes.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's the matter? You've got a cold?
 
               
               
                             RALPH
               No Kramer, what is this?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's a sweater.

               
                             RALPH
               What's it made out of?

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know, Jerry gave it to me.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Mohair, I think.

               
                             RALPH
               Mohair, that figures, I'm allergic to 
               mohair.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You mean you just started sniffing?
 
               
               
                             RALPH
               Yeah, mohair does it to me every time.
 
               
               
               Ralph leaves

               
                             JERRY
               I was wearing that sweater in the coffee 
               shop when Barry came in.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The sweater! The sweater made him sniff! 
               I told you he wasn't a drug addict.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got 
               exclamation points all over it!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Not to mention the picture of him on 
               the toilet.
 
               
               Jerry leaves the door and comes back second later

               
                             JERRY
               The what??

               
               
               
               Newman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at 
               same time at the letterbox.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               After you.

               
                             WOMAN
               Thank you.

               
               Newman feels the woman's coat material.

               
                             WOMAN
               Get your hands off of me! Johnny!!! 
               Johnny!
 
               
               Newman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground.

               
               
               
               Costanza's

               
                             FRANK
               What do you mean you felt the material? 
               What, with your fingers like this?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So what, what is so bad about that?
 
               
               
                             ESTELLE
               Who goes around feeling people's material? 
               What can be gained feeling a person's 
               material? It's insanity!
 
               
                             FRANK
               What ever happened to "Why, that's a 
               lovely dress you have on. May I have 
               this dance?"!!
 
               
               
               
               At the cafe. Kramer and Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               You are really lucky Newman never mailed 
               that letter.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting 
               with my lawyer.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What is this?

               
                             JERRY
               It's a letter from your friend Barry 
               Prophet's lawyer.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, 
               what's going on, why is he filing a 
               chapter eleven?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've 
               taken your money and spent it on drugs!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What do you mean, I thought it was the 
               sweater.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, What about the money?

               
                             JERRY
               What about the money? Apparently if 
               I had dissolved my relationship with 
               him prior to his filing chapter eleven, 
               I've could've got the money back. Which 
               I
 
               
               would've done, if for certain imbecile had been able to get to 
               a mailbox and mail a letter!!
 
               
               Newman enters and goes to the counter.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Pair of bear claws, please.

               
               Jerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels 
               Jerry's shirt.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Nice.

               
                             JERRY
               Think so?

               
                             WOMAN
               Yeah, what is it?

               
                             JERRY
               Half silk, half cotton, half linen. 
               How can you go wrong?
 
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Sniffing Accountant



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld
Genres :   Comedy


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