THE SOUL MATE
Written by
Peter Mehlman
George at a meeting at the Susan Ross Foundation.
GEORGE
You want me to find a poem about Susan?
May she rest in peace?!
WYCK
Well, we think it would be a nice touch
for the Foundation literature. Do you
have a favorite poet, George?
GEORGE
I like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible
under his breath.)
WYCK
Pardon?
GEORGE
(mutters it again)
WYCK
Well, you should choose the poem since
you knew Susan best at the time of her
unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident.
(George looks at Wyck suspiciously.)
New scene - George and Jerry at the coffee shop later that day.
JERRY
He cleared his throat?
GEORGE
Yes!
JERRY
So?
GEORGE
He did it right as he said "her unfortunate
accident."
JERRY
Not getting it.
GEORGE
Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal
implication of doubt - he thinks I killed
Susan!
JERRY
Oh, help me, Rhonda.
GEORGE
What time is it?
JERRY
1:15.
GEORGE
Right now?
JERRY
I gotta go meet Pam.
GEORGE
Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?
JERRY
Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For
once I'd like to be ga-ga.
GEORGE
Where's Elaine?
JERRY
She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over.
You know they all have kids now?
GEORGE
What's with all these people having
babies?
JERRY
Perpetuation of the species.
GEORGE
Yeah! Right!
JERRY
By the way, just for the record -
GEORGE
No, I did not! (They exit the coffee
shop.)
Commercial break.
New scene - Elaine at her apartment with Carol, Gail and Lisa.
CAROL
...but because it comes out of your
baby, it smells good!
ELAINE
Well, that's...that's sweet.
GAIL
Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.
CAROL
Elaine, you gotta have a baby!
ELAINE
Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of
whitefish over at Barney Greengrass
the other day...
LISA
Elaine. Move to Long Island and have
a baby already.
ELAINE
I really like the city.
CAROL
The city's a toilet. When's the last
time you saw my little Adam?
ELAINE
Uh, it was in the Hamptons.
CAROL
Oh! I have pictures!
ELAINE
No, no, that's okay, it's uh...
CAROL
Look at him! Just look at him!
(Elaine is revolted by the sight of "breathtaking" little Adam.)
New scene - Jerry and George walking down the street after leaving
Monk's.
JERRY
So, Elaine was telling me about this
piece of whitefish she had the other
day...
GEORGE
Do you really think I'm wrong about
this Wyck guy?
JERRY
You know, if you really want to test
him out, why don't you try the old Jerry
Lewis trick?
GEORGE
Jerry Lewis?
JERRY
I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a
meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase
with a tape recorder in it. Then after
five minutes, he'd come back for it
and listen to what everyone said about
him.
GEORGE
That's pretty paranoid.
JERRY
Yes, it is.
GEORGE
I like it!
JERRY
I thought you might.
New scene - Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Pam enters.
PAM
Oh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer.
(Kramer is smitten with Pam and grins
goofily.) Jerry's told me a lot about
you. (Kramer continues grinning.) Well,
I'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my
day off. I work in a bookstore.
KRAMER
Books. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit
on the counter.)
PAM
Oh, careful! (Jerry enters.)
JERRY
Hi, sorry I'm late.
PAM
That's okay. Kramer let me in.
JERRY
You know, if we rush, we can still make
the movie.
PAM
Okay. (Touches Kramer's hand) It was
really nice meeting you.
(Jerry and Pam leave. Kramer sniffs his hand where Pam touched
him, and makes a delighted noise.)
New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.
KRAMER
I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a
woman.
NEWMAN
Go on.
KRAMER
Well, she's Jerry's girlfriend.
NEWMAN
Ah, yes. Forbidden love.
KRAMER
She works in a book shop. Her name is
Pam.
NEWMAN
"Pam." I don't know the woman, but she
sounds quite fetching.
KRAMER
I can't even speak in front of her.
(Sits down on the couch.)
NEWMAN
Jerry! What could she possibly see in
Jerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and
trips over his feet.)
KRAMER
She has delicate beauty.
NEWMAN
Jerry wouldn't know delicate beauty
if it bludgeoned him over the head.
KRAMER
And yet, he's my friend.
NEWMAN
And therein lies the tragedy. For I
believe, sadly for you, that there is
but one woman meant for each of us.
One perfect angel for whom we are put
on this earth.
KRAMER
Aw, that's beautiful, Newman.
NEWMAN
One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn
for throughout our dreary, workaday
lives! And you, my friend, have found
your angel. I can tell. For my heart
has also been captured by a breathless
beauty - whom I fear I will never possess.
KRAMER
I thought we were talking about me.
NEWMAN
Right. Kramer, you have to confront
Jerry.
KRAMER
Confront Jerry? I can't.
NEWMAN
You must!
KRAMER
I won't!
NEWMAN
You will!
New scene - Jerry, Elaine and George at a newsstand.
ELAINE
"Elaine, ya gotta have a baby." Ugh.
GEORGE
Where are all the poetry magazines?
ELAINE
The New Yorker has poetry.
GEORGE
Yes. The New Yorker.
JERRY
Why do you invite these women over if
they annoy you so much?
ELAINE
They're my friends, but they act as
if having a baby takes some kind of
talent.
JERRY
C'mon, you want to have a baby.
ELAINE
Why? Because I can?
JERRY
It's the life force. I saw a show on
the mollusk last night. Elaine, the
mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile
just for a shot at another mollusk.
You think you're any better?
ELAINE
Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk!
KEVIN
I couldn't help overhearing what you
were saying.
ELAINE
Oh, I'm sorry.
KEVIN
No, no, I think I agree with you. I
mean, all this talk about having babies.
ELAINE
Yeah, like you must procreate.
KEVIN
Besides, anyone can do it.
ELAINE
Oh, it's been done to death. (smiles)
New scene - George in another meeting at the Foundation. He has
a briefcase with a tape recorder in it.
GEORGE
I, uh, should have a poem very soon
now.
WYCK
Are you okay, George?
GEORGE
No, no, not really. Ever since Susan
passed on, I have good days and bad.
(Turns the briefcase towards the woman
on his left.) Some days, I'm haunted
by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't
it me licking those invitations? Why
am I still here? Well, I gotta run.
(Gets up and leaves the meeting.)
(George is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls
inside the briefcase.)
Cut back to the Foundation meeting.
WYCK
...and the stock options for this year
look quite, uh... (George returns and
retrieves the briefcase.)
GEORGE
Briefcase. (Shrugs and exits.)
New scene - Elaine and Kevin at the coffee shop.
ELAINE
So, Kevin. If I don't want children,
does that make me a bad humanitarian?
KEVIN
Not at all.
ELAINE
'Cause, I mean, when you get to know
me, you'll see that I'm a pretty good
humanitarian. (Waitress comes to the
table and pours more coffee.) You are
doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks
a lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right?
(Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come
here, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer
and Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got
a little, uh...
KRAMER
Oh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes.
ELAINE
Oh. Are you alright?
KRAMER
Yeah, I'll be okay.
ELAINE
You know, Jerry has one of those every
time he bombs on stage.
KRAMER
Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his
next one with Pam.
ELAINE
Oh, no...that won't last.
KRAMER
What do you mean?
ELAINE
He's not ga-ga.
(Kramer suddenly looks elated and runs out.)
New scene - George shows up at Jerry's apartment later that night
with the briefcase.
GEORGE
Lemme tell you something, that Jerry
Lewis? You wonder how some of these
people get to the top? It's ideas like
this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that
the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this
- what the hell happened? The whole
side is damaged here...and the lock
is broken.
JERRY
How long did you leave it up there?
GEORGE
Five minutes. What the hell happened
here?
JERRY
Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue.
GEORGE
I have to rewind it first. (George presses
the rewind button on the tape recorder.
He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently
as it rewinds.) Alright, alright.
(George plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, "Did anyone
notice George's fingernails?" Then a female voice answering,
"Oh my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weavels."
The male voice remarks, "It's warm in here. Open a window." Then,
"Hey! What are you doing?" The female voice exclaims, "Dear God."
There's a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.)
JERRY
Is that it?
GEORGE
Stopped dead.
JERRY
What do you make of it?
GEORGE
I don't know. (George sits down at the
table. Kramer enters.)
KRAMER
Jerry. Uh, can we talk?
GEORGE
Kinda busy here.
KRAMER
I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.
GEORGE
Why can't I stay?
KRAMER
Because it doesn't concern you.
GEORGE
Well, if it doesn't concern me, then
I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of
George's chair, drags him out into the
hallway and closes the door.)
JERRY
So, what's on your mind?
KRAMER
It's Pam.
JERRY
Pam? What about Pam?
KRAMER
I love her, Jerry!
JERRY
You what?
KRAMER
I love her!
JERRY
Is that right?
KRAMER
Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring
home the bacon and fry it in the pan.
JERRY
What does that mean?
KRAMER
Oh, and that voice!
JERRY
What about her name?
KRAMER
Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer
sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam!
JERRY
She's got really nice hair.
KRAMER
Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might
replace her tortoise clip with one of
those velvet scrunchies. I love those.
JERRY
You've got really specific tastes.
KRAMER
Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.
JERRY
She's got nice calves.
KRAMER
Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't
like her, so...
JERRY
Maybe I could, you're making some pretty
good points.
KRAMER
No you can't, Jerry.
JERRY
But I might.
KRAMER
Oh, no you don't.
JERRY
Why not? The voice? The calves? The
bacon?
KRAMER
What...?
JERRY
I think I can! I even like the name!
Pam!
KRAMER
Huh?
JERRY
Pam!
KRAMER
Huh?
JERRY
Pam!
KRAMER
Huh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out
past George, who is still sitting in
the hallway on a chair.)
Commercial break.
New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.
KRAMER
So now he wants her more than ever!
NEWMAN
Blast!
KRAMER
What am I gonna do, huh?
NEWMAN
Don't despair, my friend. (Newman walks
in front of Kramer and trips over his
feet. Again.) I won't allow your love
to go unrequited. Not like mine.
KRAMER
What, again with you?
NEWMAN
Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes.
A dizzying array of textures...and moments.
KRAMER
If only I could say things like that
around her.
NEWMAN
Yes...
New scene - Elaine and George at the coffee shop listening to
the briefcase tape.
ELAINE
Well, I hear three distinct sounds.
A low rumple...followed by a metallic
'squink'...
GEORGE
Yes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'!
ELAINE
...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.'
GEORGE
It's baffling, isn't it?
ELAINE
Well, one question does come to mind.
Have you considered just...asking them
what happened to the briefcase?
GEORGE
They would never tell me, Elaine. First
of all, they probably think that I killed
Susan. Besides, I don't even think they
like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.)
JERRY
That Pam! I am ga-ga over her!
ELAINE
Ga-ga? When did that happen?
JERRY
Yesterday. Six-ish.
ELAINE
Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty
ga-ga myself.
JERRY
You just met the guy yesterday.
ELAINE
Yeah, but we have a common goal.
JERRY
A barren, sterile existence that ends
when you die?
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
And you really believe this guy doesn't
want to have kids.
ELAINE
Yeah, of course.
JERRY
Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get
a woman.
ELAINE
Oh, please. He wouldn't say that.
GEORGE
Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined
the phrase, "Pardon my French."
JERRY
I once told a woman that I don't eat
cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.
GEORGE
I once told a woman that I really enjoy
spending time with my family.
New scene - Kramer and Newman in an aisle at the bookstore where
Pam works.
NEWMAN
With your looks and my words, we'll
have built the perfect beast. (Kramer
claps him on the shoulder, then goes
to the other side of the aisle to talk
to Pam.)
PAM
Oh, hi! Kramer.
NEWMAN
Hi. How are you?
KRAMER
Hi. How are you?
PAM
I'm great.
NEWMAN
I too am well.
KRAMER
I too am well.
NEWMAN
Do I smell Pantene?
KRAMER
Do I smell?
NEWMAN
Pantene!
KRAMER
Uh, Pantene.
PAM
Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene,
I got a free sample in with my junk
mail.
KRAMER
Well, there really is no junk-mail...well,
everybody wants to get a check or a
birthday card, but...
NEWMAN
...it takes just as much man-power to
deliver it as their precious little
greeting cards...
KRAMER
Newman! (Elbows him through the books.
Newman falls over.)
PAM
What?
KRAMER
Uh, human. It's...human to be moved
by a fragrance.
PAM
That's so true.
KRAMER
Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
NEWMAN
Shell.
KRAMER
...shell. And fondled his muscled heart.
He embibed her glistening spell...just
before the other shoe...fell.
PAM
Kramer, that is so lovely.
KRAMER
It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.
PAM
Oh, what's his name?
KRAMER
Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase,
Newman preens proudly.)
New scene - Elaine and Kevin in Elaine's apartment.
KEVIN
Elaine, you've changed my life.
ELAINE
Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about
how you don't want kids...and it sounds,
it sounds really nice, but...the truth
is, I don't know if you mean it or not.
KEVIN
I got a vasectomy this morning.
ELAINE
Although, I have a hunch you mean it.
New scene - Jerry talking with Pam at the bookstore.
JERRY
I just came by to tell you - I'm really,
really happy about this relationship.
Really happy.
PAM
Oh. Well, that's um...(clears her throat)...nice.
(Jerry looks suspicious. Pam turns around
and Jerry notices her tortoise clip
has been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.)
JERRY'S BRAIN
A velvet scrunchie!
JERRY
Kramer!
New scene - Jerry approaching his apartment door. He meets Newman
coming out of Kramer's place.
JERRY
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry. How's Pam?
JERRY
Pam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs.
Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's
bookstore bag.)
NEWMAN
Well, ta-ta! (Scampers away.)
JERRY
Wait a minute! (A manic chase scene
ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from
one end of the building to the other.
Jerry finally catches up with him in
the hallway on another floor.)
JERRY
Alright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves
him against the wall.)
NEWMAN
Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want
to lose your cool at a time like this.
JERRY
Why not?
NEWMAN
Because right now, I'm the only chance
you've got. (Newman giggles nervously.
Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling
is choked off.)
JERRY
C'mon. (They exit.)
New scene - Jerry and Newman in Newman's apartment.
JERRY
I can't believe I'm losing Pam!
NEWMAN
I know how you feel. For I, too, have
a woman for whom I pine.
JERRY
I thought we were talking about me.
NEWMAN
Right.
JERRY
Anyway, I don't need your help. (Turns
to leave.)
NEWMAN
Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really
think you can manipulate that beautiful
young woman like the half-soused nightclub
rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?
JERRY
Alright, Newman. What do I have to do
to get you to stop pulling the strings
for Kramer?
NEWMAN
Well, there is a little something you
can do for me...
JERRY
C'mon, out with it.
NEWMAN
It's about...Elaine.
JERRY
Elaine? What does she have to - (notices
Newman looking up at him longlingly.)
Oh no...
NEWMAN
You dated her. Give me some inside information.
Anything I can use!
JERRY
Well, I know she doesn't want to have
kids. (Newman considers the implications
of this.)
Cut back to Elaine and Kevin at Elaine's apartment.
KEVIN
I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic
about it.
ELAINE
I know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids.
KEVIN
What was that?
ELAINE
Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt.
I mean, nothing is a hundred percent.
KEVIN
This is! Oh boy, I always do this.
ELAINE
What?
KEVIN
Oh, I get all jazzed up about something
and I go way to far with it.
ELAINE
Really?
KEVIN
Oh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin'
TV and I saw one of those jet-skis.
$4000 later and it's sitting in my garage.
ELAINE
You know, that's weird, actually, 'cause
I'm sort of the same way. I mean once
for like, no reason, I flattened my
hair and I had all these strands hanging
in my face all the time...
KEVIN
Sometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe
a lot of kids!
ELAINE
Sometimes I think about wearing my hair
real short.
KEVIN
Yeah! I think I like short hair. Really
short.
ELAINE
Yeah!
KEVIN
Yeah!
New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's kitchen. George has brought
over a model of the conference room at the Foundation.
GEORGE
This is a crude mock-up of the conference
room. 1/14th scale.
JERRY
When did you build this thing?
GEORGE
Yesterday, took the day off. (Picks
up a red Power Ranger action figure
from the model and pretends it's him.)
Now, from the time I left the room...
JERRY
Wait, that's you?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
I really think the M&M should be you.
GEORGE
Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused
the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase
onto the table in the model)...was jarring
enough to completely stop the tape.
JERRY
And?
GEORGE
Okay. That's what we know.
JERRY
But we already knew that.
GEORGE
Well, yeah.
JERRY
Just give me some idea of what you think
it could be.
GEORGE
I don't know if you're ready for it.
JERRY
Please.
GEORGE
I believe that I am about to become
the target of a systematic process of
intimidation and manipulation, the likes
of which you have never -
JERRY
Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm
not ready for this. (The door buzzer
sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
VOICE ON SPEAKER
It's Pam.
JERRY
C'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's
Pam, you gotta get goin.'
GEORGE
I'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks
up the model of the conference room.)
I'm gonna keep on investigating. This
thing is like an onion. The more layers
you peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters,
George leaves.)
PAM
What was that?
JERRY
We were just playin.'
PAM
Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer
today...
JERRY
Uh huh...
PAM
Well, the thing is, I uh...I think I
have a little crush on him. (Kramer
slides in the door on his knees.)
KRAMER
I'm so happy! My world suddenly has
meaning!
JERRY
This is the man you have a crush on?
PAM
Well, I have feelings for both of you.
KRAMER
How can you have feelings for him? We're
soul mates.
JERRY
Why can't I be a soul mate?
KRAMER
Jerry, you really think that Pam would
want you to be the father of her children?
PAM
Children? Who said anything about children?
I don't want to have children.
(Jerry and Kramer look at each other, puzzled.)
New scene - George back at the conference room at the Foundation.
GEORGE
There are some people in this room who
would have been very happy to never
see this briefcase again. There are
people in this room who think they can
destroy other people's property and
get away with it. Well, let me tell
you something about those people. They
weren't counting on this brain! And
this tape recorder.
WYCK
George...
GEORGE
You'll have your turn! The truth must
be heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's
all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes.
A low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A
'glonk.' Someone crying out..."Dear
God!" Let's start with, uh...with you,
Wyck.
WYCK
George, Quinn here was moving a chair...he
lost his balance and dropped it...it
must have fallen on your briefcase,
which, for some reason, contained a
running tape recorder?
GEORGE
Alright, then. We've gotten to the bottom
of that.
New scene - Jerry and Newman in the office of Bernard Wendroff,
M.D. - urologist. Elaine and Kevin enter. Elaine has cut her
hair short.
ELAINE
What are you guys doing here?
JERRY
We're getting vasectomies.
ELAINE
Why?
NEWMAN
I'm doing it for you.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
What'd you do to your hair?
ELAINE
I cut it.
JERRY
It's a little short.
KEVIN
Y'think?
JERRY
What are you doing here?
ELAINE
Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.
JERRY AND NEWMAN
Reversed?! (Kramer comes hobbling out
of the doctors office in pain, after
having a vasectomy of his own, and exits.
Jerry and Newman look at each other,
and bolt for the door themselves.)
Commercial break.
New scene - George reading the poem for Susan at the Foundation.
GEORGE
...he embibed her glistening spell...just
before the other shoe...fell.
WYCK
Is that a Keats poem?
GEORGE
No, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run.
(Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.)
WYCK
Does anyone think George might have
murdered Susan?
MR. CROSS
Oh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered
her.
MS. BAINES
Of course he killed her.
WYCK
So it's not just me, then. Alright!
Back to business.
THE END
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