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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE SOUL MATE



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman



 
               
               
               George at a meeting at the Susan Ross Foundation.

               
                             GEORGE
               You want me to find a poem about Susan? 
               May she rest in peace?!
 
               
                             WYCK
               Well, we think it would be a nice touch 
               for the Foundation literature. Do you 
               have a favorite poet, George?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible 
               under his breath.)
 
               
                             WYCK
               Pardon?

               
                             GEORGE
               (mutters it again)

               
                             WYCK
               Well, you should choose the poem since 
               you knew Susan best at the time of her 
               unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident.
 
               
               
               (George looks at Wyck suspiciously.)

               
               
               New scene - George and Jerry at the coffee shop later that day.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               He cleared his throat?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes!

               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             GEORGE
               He did it right as he said "her unfortunate 
               accident."
 
               
                             JERRY
               Not getting it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal 
               implication of doubt - he thinks I killed 
               Susan!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, help me, Rhonda.

               
                             GEORGE
               What time is it?

               
                             JERRY
               1:15.

               
                             GEORGE
               Right now?

               
                             JERRY
               I gotta go meet Pam.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For 
               once I'd like to be ga-ga.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Where's Elaine?

               
                             JERRY
               She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. 
               You know they all have kids now?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What's with all these people having 
               babies?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Perpetuation of the species.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah! Right!

               
                             JERRY
               By the way, just for the record -

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I did not! (They exit the coffee 
               shop.)
 
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               New scene - Elaine at her apartment with Carol, Gail and Lisa.
 
               
               
                             CAROL
               ...but because it comes out of your 
               baby, it smells good!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, that's...that's sweet.

               
                             GAIL
               Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.
 
               
               
                             CAROL
               Elaine, you gotta have a baby!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of 
               whitefish over at Barney Greengrass 
               the other day...
 
               
                             LISA
               Elaine. Move to Long Island and have 
               a baby already.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I really like the city.

               
                             CAROL
               The city's a toilet. When's the last 
               time you saw my little Adam?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, it was in the Hamptons.

               
                             CAROL
               Oh! I have pictures!

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, that's okay, it's uh...

               
                             CAROL
               Look at him! Just look at him!

               
               (Elaine is revolted by the sight of "breathtaking" little Adam.)
 
               
               
               
               New scene - Jerry and George walking down the street after leaving 
               Monk's.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, Elaine was telling me about this 
               piece of whitefish she had the other 
               day...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Do you really think I'm wrong about 
               this Wyck guy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, if you really want to test 
               him out, why don't you try the old Jerry 
               Lewis trick?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry Lewis?

               
                             JERRY
               I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a 
               meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase 
               with a tape recorder in it. Then after 
               five minutes, he'd come back for it 
               and listen to what everyone said about 
               him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's pretty paranoid.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, it is.

               
                             GEORGE
               I like it!

               
                             JERRY
               I thought you might.

               
               
               New scene - Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Pam enters.

               
                             PAM
               Oh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer. 
               (Kramer is smitten with Pam and grins 
               goofily.) Jerry's told me a lot about 
               you. (Kramer continues grinning.) Well, 
               I'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my 
               day off. I work in a bookstore.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Books. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit 
               on the counter.)
 
               
                             PAM
               Oh, careful! (Jerry enters.)

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, sorry I'm late.

               
                             PAM
               That's okay. Kramer let me in.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, if we rush, we can still make 
               the movie.
 
               
                             PAM
               Okay. (Touches Kramer's hand) It was 
               really nice meeting you.
 
               
               (Jerry and Pam leave. Kramer sniffs his hand where Pam touched 
               him, and makes a delighted noise.)
 
               
               
               New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a 
               woman.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Go on.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, she's Jerry's girlfriend.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Ah, yes. Forbidden love.

               
                             KRAMER
               She works in a book shop. Her name is 
               Pam.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               "Pam." I don't know the woman, but she 
               sounds quite fetching.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I can't even speak in front of her. 
               (Sits down on the couch.)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Jerry! What could she possibly see in 
               Jerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and 
               trips over his feet.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               She has delicate beauty.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Jerry wouldn't know delicate beauty 
               if it bludgeoned him over the head.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               And yet, he's my friend.

               
                             NEWMAN
               And therein lies the tragedy. For I 
               believe, sadly for you, that there is 
               but one woman meant for each of us. 
               One perfect angel for whom we are put 
               on this earth.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Aw, that's beautiful, Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn 
               for throughout our dreary, workaday 
               lives! And you, my friend, have found 
               your angel. I can tell. For my heart 
               has also been captured by a breathless 
               beauty - whom I fear I will never possess.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I thought we were talking about me.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Right. Kramer, you have to confront 
               Jerry.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Confront Jerry? I can't.

               
                             NEWMAN
               You must!

               
                             KRAMER
               I won't!

               
                             NEWMAN
               You will!

               
               
               New scene - Jerry, Elaine and George at a newsstand.

               
                             ELAINE
               "Elaine, ya gotta have a baby." Ugh.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Where are all the poetry magazines?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The New Yorker has poetry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. The New Yorker.

               
                             JERRY
               Why do you invite these women over if 
               they annoy you so much?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               They're my friends, but they act as 
               if having a baby takes some kind of 
               talent.
 
               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, you want to have a baby.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why? Because I can?

               
                             JERRY
               It's the life force. I saw a show on 
               the mollusk last night. Elaine, the 
               mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile 
               just for a shot at another mollusk. 
               You think you're any better?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk!
 
               
               
                             KEVIN
               I couldn't help overhearing what you 
               were saying.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I'm sorry.

               
                             KEVIN
               No, no, I think I agree with you. I 
               mean, all this talk about having babies.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, like you must procreate.

               
                             KEVIN
               Besides, anyone can do it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, it's been done to death. (smiles)
 
               
               
               
               New scene - George in another meeting at the Foundation. He has 
               a briefcase with a tape recorder in it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I, uh, should have a poem very soon 
               now.
 
               
                             WYCK
               Are you okay, George?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, not really. Ever since Susan 
               passed on, I have good days and bad. 
               (Turns the briefcase towards the woman 
               on his left.) Some days, I'm haunted 
               by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't 
               it me licking those invitations? Why 
               am I still here? Well, I gotta run. 
               (Gets up and leaves the meeting.)
 
               
               
               (George is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls 
               inside the briefcase.)
 
               
               Cut back to the Foundation meeting.

               
                             WYCK
               ...and the stock options for this year 
               look quite, uh... (George returns and 
               retrieves the briefcase.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Briefcase. (Shrugs and exits.)

               
               
               New scene - Elaine and Kevin at the coffee shop.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, Kevin. If I don't want children, 
               does that make me a bad humanitarian?
 
               
               
                             KEVIN
               Not at all.

               
                             ELAINE
               'Cause, I mean, when you get to know 
               me, you'll see that I'm a pretty good 
               humanitarian. (Waitress comes to the 
               table and pours more coffee.) You are 
               doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks 
               a lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right? 
               (Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come 
               here, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer 
               and Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got 
               a little, uh...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. Are you alright?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'll be okay.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know, Jerry has one of those every 
               time he bombs on stage.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his 
               next one with Pam.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no...that won't last.

               
                             KRAMER
               What do you mean?

               
                             ELAINE
               He's not ga-ga.

               
               (Kramer suddenly looks elated and runs out.)

               
               
               New scene - George shows up at Jerry's apartment later that night 
               with the briefcase.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Lemme tell you something, that Jerry 
               Lewis? You wonder how some of these 
               people get to the top? It's ideas like 
               this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that 
               the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this 
               - what the hell happened? The whole 
               side is damaged here...and the lock 
               is broken.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How long did you leave it up there?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Five minutes. What the hell happened 
               here?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I have to rewind it first. (George presses 
               the rewind button on the tape recorder. 
               He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently 
               as it rewinds.) Alright, alright.
 
               
               
               (George plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, "Did anyone 
               notice George's fingernails?" Then a female voice answering, 
               "Oh my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weavels." 
               The male voice remarks, "It's warm in here. Open a window." Then, 
               "Hey! What are you doing?" The female voice exclaims, "Dear God." 
               There's a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is that it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Stopped dead.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you make of it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. (George sits down at the 
               table. Kramer enters.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry. Uh, can we talk?

               
                             GEORGE
               Kinda busy here.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why can't I stay?

               
                             KRAMER
               Because it doesn't concern you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, if it doesn't concern me, then 
               I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of 
               George's chair, drags him out into the 
               hallway and closes the door.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, what's on your mind?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's Pam.

               
                             JERRY
               Pam? What about Pam?

               
                             KRAMER
               I love her, Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               You what?

               
                             KRAMER
               I love her!

               
                             JERRY
               Is that right?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring 
               home the bacon and fry it in the pan.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What does that mean?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, and that voice!

               
                             JERRY
               What about her name?

               
                             KRAMER
               Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer 
               sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She's got really nice hair.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might 
               replace her tortoise clip with one of 
               those velvet scrunchies. I love those.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You've got really specific tastes.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               She's got nice calves.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't 
               like her, so...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe I could, you're making some pretty 
               good points.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No you can't, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               But I might.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no you don't.

               
                             JERRY
               Why not? The voice? The calves? The 
               bacon?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What...?

               
                             JERRY
               I think I can! I even like the name! 
               Pam!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Huh?

               
                             JERRY
               Pam!

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh?

               
                             JERRY
               Pam!

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out 
               past George, who is still sitting in 
               the hallway on a chair.)
 
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.

               
                             KRAMER
               So now he wants her more than ever!
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Blast!

               
                             KRAMER
               What am I gonna do, huh?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Don't despair, my friend. (Newman walks 
               in front of Kramer and trips over his 
               feet. Again.) I won't allow your love 
               to go unrequited. Not like mine.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What, again with you?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Sorry. But love is spice with many tastes. 
               A dizzying array of textures...and moments.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               If only I could say things like that 
               around her.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Yes...

               
               
               New scene - Elaine and George at the coffee shop listening to 
               the briefcase tape.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I hear three distinct sounds. 
               A low rumple...followed by a metallic 
               'squink'...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'!

               
                             ELAINE
               ...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.'
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's baffling, isn't it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, one question does come to mind. 
               Have you considered just...asking them 
               what happened to the briefcase?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They would never tell me, Elaine. First 
               of all, they probably think that I killed 
               Susan. Besides, I don't even think they 
               like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That Pam! I am ga-ga over her!

               
                             ELAINE
               Ga-ga? When did that happen?

               
                             JERRY
               Yesterday. Six-ish.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty 
               ga-ga myself.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You just met the guy yesterday.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, but we have a common goal.

               
                             JERRY
               A barren, sterile existence that ends 
               when you die?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               And you really believe this guy doesn't 
               want to have kids.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, of course.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get 
               a woman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, please. He wouldn't say that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined 
               the phrase, "Pardon my French."
 
               
                             JERRY
               I once told a woman that I don't eat 
               cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I once told a woman that I really enjoy 
               spending time with my family.
 
               
               
               New scene - Kramer and Newman in an aisle at the bookstore where 
               Pam works.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               With your looks and my words, we'll 
               have built the perfect beast. (Kramer 
               claps him on the shoulder, then goes 
               to the other side of the aisle to talk 
               to Pam.)
 
               
                             PAM
               Oh, hi! Kramer.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hi. How are you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi. How are you?

               
                             PAM
               I'm great.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I too am well.

               
                             KRAMER
               I too am well.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Do I smell Pantene?

               
                             KRAMER
               Do I smell?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Pantene!

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, Pantene.

               
                             PAM
               Oh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, 
               I got a free sample in with my junk 
               mail.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, there really is no junk-mail...well, 
               everybody wants to get a check or a 
               birthday card, but...
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               ...it takes just as much man-power to 
               deliver it as their precious little 
               greeting cards...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Newman! (Elbows him through the books. 
               Newman falls over.)
 
               
                             PAM
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, human. It's...human to be moved 
               by a fragrance.
 
               
                             PAM
               That's so true.

               
                             KRAMER
               Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Shell.

               
                             KRAMER
               ...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. 
               He embibed her glistening spell...just 
               before the other shoe...fell.
 
               
                             PAM
               Kramer, that is so lovely.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's by an unknown 20th-century poet.
 
               
               
                             PAM
               Oh, what's his name?

               
                             KRAMER
               Newman. (On the other side of the bookcase, 
               Newman preens proudly.)
 
               
               
               New scene - Elaine and Kevin in Elaine's apartment.

               
                             KEVIN
               Elaine, you've changed my life.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Kevin...you can go on and on about 
               how you don't want kids...and it sounds, 
               it sounds really nice, but...the truth 
               is, I don't know if you mean it or not.
 
               
               
                             KEVIN
               I got a vasectomy this morning.

               
                             ELAINE
               Although, I have a hunch you mean it.
 
               
               
               
               New scene - Jerry talking with Pam at the bookstore.

               
                             JERRY
               I just came by to tell you - I'm really, 
               really happy about this relationship. 
               Really happy.
 
               
                             PAM
               Oh. Well, that's um...(clears her throat)...nice. 
               (Jerry looks suspicious. Pam turns around 
               and Jerry notices her tortoise clip 
               has been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               A velvet scrunchie!

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer!

               
               
               New scene - Jerry approaching his apartment door. He meets Newman 
               coming out of Kramer's place.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello, Jerry. How's Pam?

               
                             JERRY
               Pam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs. 
               Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's 
               bookstore bag.)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, ta-ta! (Scampers away.)

               
                             JERRY
               Wait a minute! (A manic chase scene 
               ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from 
               one end of the building to the other. 
               Jerry finally catches up with him in 
               the hallway on another floor.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves 
               him against the wall.)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want 
               to lose your cool at a time like this.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Because right now, I'm the only chance 
               you've got. (Newman giggles nervously. 
               Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling 
               is choked off.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               C'mon. (They exit.)

               
               
               New scene - Jerry and Newman in Newman's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe I'm losing Pam!

               
                             NEWMAN
               I know how you feel. For I, too, have 
               a woman for whom I pine.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I thought we were talking about me.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Right.

               
                             JERRY
               Anyway, I don't need your help. (Turns 
               to leave.)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really 
               think you can manipulate that beautiful 
               young woman like the half-soused nightclub 
               rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, Newman. What do I have to do 
               to get you to stop pulling the strings 
               for Kramer?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, there is a little something you 
               can do for me...
 
               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, out with it.

               
                             NEWMAN
               It's about...Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine? What does she have to - (notices 
               Newman looking up at him longlingly.) 
               Oh no...
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You dated her. Give me some inside information. 
               Anything I can use!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I know she doesn't want to have 
               kids. (Newman considers the implications 
               of this.)
 
               
               
               Cut back to Elaine and Kevin at Elaine's apartment.

               
                             KEVIN
               I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic 
               about it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids.
 
               
               
                             KEVIN
               What was that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. 
               I mean, nothing is a hundred percent.
 
               
               
                             KEVIN
               This is! Oh boy, I always do this.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             KEVIN
               Oh, I get all jazzed up about something 
               and I go way to far with it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             KEVIN
               Oh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin' 
               TV and I saw one of those jet-skis. 
               $4000 later and it's sitting in my garage.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You know, that's weird, actually, 'cause 
               I'm sort of the same way. I mean once 
               for like, no reason, I flattened my 
               hair and I had all these strands hanging 
               in my face all the time...
 
               
                             KEVIN
               Sometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe 
               a lot of kids!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Sometimes I think about wearing my hair 
               real short.
 
               
                             KEVIN
               Yeah! I think I like short hair. Really 
               short.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah!

               
                             KEVIN
               Yeah!

               
               
               New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's kitchen. George has brought 
               over a model of the conference room at the Foundation.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is a crude mock-up of the conference 
               room. 1/14th scale.
 
               
                             JERRY
               When did you build this thing?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yesterday, took the day off. (Picks 
               up a red Power Ranger action figure 
               from the model and pretends it's him.) 
               Now, from the time I left the room...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wait, that's you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               I really think the M&M should be you.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused 
               the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase 
               onto the table in the model)...was jarring 
               enough to completely stop the tape.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               And?

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay. That's what we know.

               
                             JERRY
               But we already knew that.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Just give me some idea of what you think 
               it could be.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know if you're ready for it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Please.

               
                             GEORGE
               I believe that I am about to become 
               the target of a systematic process of 
               intimidation and manipulation, the likes 
               of which you have never -
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm 
               not ready for this. (The door buzzer 
               sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?
 
               
                             VOICE ON SPEAKER
               It's Pam.

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's 
               Pam, you gotta get goin.'
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks 
               up the model of the conference room.) 
               I'm gonna keep on investigating. This 
               thing is like an onion. The more layers 
               you peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters, 
               George leaves.)
 
               
                             PAM
               What was that?

               
                             JERRY
               We were just playin.'

               
                             PAM
               Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer 
               today...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh huh...

               
                             PAM
               Well, the thing is, I uh...I think I 
               have a little crush on him. (Kramer 
               slides in the door on his knees.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm so happy! My world suddenly has 
               meaning!
 
               
                             JERRY
               This is the man you have a crush on?
 
               
               
                             PAM
               Well, I have feelings for both of you.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               How can you have feelings for him? We're 
               soul mates.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why can't I be a soul mate?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, you really think that Pam would 
               want you to be the father of her children?
 
               
               
                             PAM
               Children? Who said anything about children? 
               I don't want to have children.
 
               
               (Jerry and Kramer look at each other, puzzled.)

               
               
               New scene - George back at the conference room at the Foundation.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               There are some people in this room who 
               would have been very happy to never 
               see this briefcase again. There are 
               people in this room who think they can 
               destroy other people's property and 
               get away with it. Well, let me tell 
               you something about those people. They 
               weren't counting on this brain! And 
               this tape recorder.
 
               
                             WYCK
               George...

               
                             GEORGE
               You'll have your turn! The truth must 
               be heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's 
               all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes. 
               A low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A 
               'glonk.' Someone crying out..."Dear 
               God!" Let's start with, uh...with you, 
               Wyck.
 
               
                             WYCK
               George, Quinn here was moving a chair...he 
               lost his balance and dropped it...it 
               must have fallen on your briefcase, 
               which, for some reason, contained a 
               running tape recorder?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, then. We've gotten to the bottom 
               of that.
 
               
               
               New scene - Jerry and Newman in the office of Bernard Wendroff, 
               M.D. - urologist. Elaine and Kevin enter. Elaine has cut her 
               hair short.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What are you guys doing here?

               
                             JERRY
               We're getting vasectomies.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             NEWMAN
               I'm doing it for you.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               What'd you do to your hair?

               
                             ELAINE
               I cut it.

               
                             JERRY
               It's a little short.

               
                             KEVIN
               Y'think?

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             ELAINE
               Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.
 
               
               
                             JERRY AND NEWMAN
               Reversed?! (Kramer comes hobbling out 
               of the doctors office in pain, after 
               having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. 
               Jerry and Newman look at each other, 
               and bolt for the door themselves.)
 
               
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               New scene - George reading the poem for Susan at the Foundation.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               ...he embibed her glistening spell...just 
               before the other shoe...fell.
 
               
                             WYCK
               Is that a Keats poem?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run. 
               (Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.)
 
               
               
                             WYCK
               Does anyone think George might have 
               murdered Susan?
 
               
                             MR. CROSS
               Oh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered 
               her.
 
               
                             MS. BAINES
               Of course he killed her.

               
                             WYCK
               So it's not just me, then. Alright! 
               Back to business.
 
               
               
               
                           THE END




The Soul Mate



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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