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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE SOUP NAZI



                             Written by

                           Spike Feresten




 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right. So, what theatre you wanna 
               go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 
               84th and Broadway.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Which one you wanna go to shmoopy?
 
               
               
                             SHEILA
               You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're a shmoopy!

               
                             SHEILA
               You're a shmoopy!

               
                             JERRY
               You're a shmoopy!

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, shmoopies...what's it gonna 
               be? Pick a theater.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can 
               you come with us for lunch to the soup 
               place?
 
               
                             SHEILA
               No. You have a good lunch. But I'll 
               meet you back here for the movie.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             SHEILA
               Hi Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi Sheila.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, then. I'll see you later.
 
               
               
                             SHEILA
               Bye shmoopy.

               
                             JERRY
               Bye shmoopy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay. We ready to go?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Please. Please, let's go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No. We gotta go to the soup place.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What soup place?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been 
               going there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He's always raving. I finally got a 
               chance to go there the other day, and 
               I tell you this, you will be stunned.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Stunned by soup?

               
                             JERRY
               You can't eat this soup standing up, 
               your knees buckle.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh. All right. Come on.

               
                             JERRY
               There's only one caveat -- the guy who 
               runs the place is a little temperamental, 
               especially about the ordering procedure. 
               He's secretly referred to as the Soup 
               Nazi.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why? What happens if you don't order 
               right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He yells and you don't get your soup.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Just follow the ordering procedure and 
               you will be fine.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right. All right. Let's - let's 
               go over that again.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right. As you walk in the place 
               move immediately to your right.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               The main thing is to keep the line moving.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right. So, you hold out your money, 
               speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, 
               step to the left and receive.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Right. It's very important not to embellish 
               on your order. No extraneous comments. 
               No questions. No compliments.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, boy, I'm really scared!

               
                             JERRY
               Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right. Jerry, that's enough now 
               about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look 
               at this. You know what this is? This 
               is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French. 
               Armoire.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ar-moire.

               
                             ELAINE
               How much is this?

               
                             FURNITURE GUY
               I was asking 250, but you got a nice 
               face. 2 even.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always 
               wanted one of these things.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He gave you the nice face discount.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What about the soup?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm getting an armoire, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               (in French accent) Pardon.

               
                             GEORGE
               This line is huge.

               
                             JERRY
               It's like this all the time.

               
                             GEORGE
               Isn't that that Bania guy?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no. It is. Just be still.

               
                             GEORGE
               Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up 
               the scent.
 
               
                             BANIA
               Hey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked 
               soup.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hard to believe.

               
                             BANIA
               This guy makes the best soup in the 
               city, Jerry. The best. You know what 
               they call him? Soup Nazi.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not 
               letting you cut in line.
 
               
                             BANIA
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               Because if he catches us, we'll never 
               be able to get soup again.
 
               
                             BANIA
               Okay. Okay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Medium turkey chili.

               
                             JERRY
               Medium crab bisque.

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't get any bread.

               
                             JERRY
               Just forget it. Let it go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot 
               my bread.
 
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Bread -- $2 extra.

               
                             GEORGE
               $2? But everyone in front of me got 
               free bread.
 
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               You want bread?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, please.

               
                             SOUP NAZI
               $3!

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             SOUP NAZI
               No soup for you! (snaps fingers)

               
               (cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money)

               
                             ELAINE
               What do you mean I can't bring in here? 
               I live here.
 
               
                             SUPER
               It's Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving 
               on Sunday. That's the rule.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               But I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't 
               you just make an exception? Please. 
               I've got a nice face.
 
               
                             SUPER
               Tomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow. 
               I'll even give you a hand, all right?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh! Well, you're just gonna have to 
               hold this for me.
 
               
                             FURNITURE GUY
               I'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have 
               layaway.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no...please don't go. Please - please 
               don't walk away.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How 
               does he do it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, I don't see how you can sit 
               there eating that and not even offer 
               me any?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I gave you a taste. What do you want?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why can't we share?

               
                             JERRY
               I told you not to say anything. You 
               can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the 
               rules and then think I'm gonna share 
               with you!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Do you hear yourself?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry. This is what comes from living 
               under a Nazi regime.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I gotta go back there and try 
               again. Hi Sheila.
 
               
                             SHEILA
               Hi. Hi shmoopy.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi shmoopy.

               
                             SHEILA
               No, you're a shmoopy!

               
                             JERRY
               You're a shmoopy!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm going.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan 
               at the movie tonight?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know what? I changed my mind. I, 
               uh, I don't think so.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               I just don't feel like it anymore.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Just like that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Just like that.

               
                             SHEILA
               Boy, he's a weird guy, isn't he?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               (taking Jerry's couch cushion) Yeah.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha 
               -- what are you doing?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire 
               on the street all
 
               
               night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, sit on one of your couch cushions.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but this is so nice and thick. 
               Ahoy there!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate 
               you doing this.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Well, you ask for it, you got 
               it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you need anything?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, a bowl of muligatawny would hit 
               the spot.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mulligatawny?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered 
               to perfection by one of
 
               
               the great soup artisans

               
               in the modern era.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Who? The Soup Nazi?

               
                             KRAMER
               He's not a Nazi. He just happens to 
               be a little eccentric. Most
 
               
               geniuses are.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right. I'll be back.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait a second. You don't even know how 
               to order.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no. No. No. No. I got it.

               
                             KRAMER
               No. No, Elaine!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already 
               get soup?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No. I didn't get it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why? What happened?

               
                             GEORGE
               I made a mistake.

               
                             ELAINE
               (laughing)

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. Well, we'll see what happens 
               to you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite 
               certain I'm walking out of
 
               
               there with a bowl of soup.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is 
               it just me, or - or do you
 
               
               find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I know! It is awful!

               
                             GEORGE
               Why do they have to do that in front 
               of people?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               What is that with the shmoopy?

               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh!

               
                             GEORGE
               The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, 
               shmoopy!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ohh! Stop it! I know.

               
                             GEORGE
               I had to listen to a five minute discussion 
               on which one is
 
               
               actually called shmoopy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ugh!

               
                             GEORGE
               And I cancelled plans to go to the movies 
               with them tonight.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know, we should say something.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, we absolutely should.

               
                             ELAINE
               I mean, why does he do that? Doesn't 
               he know what a huge turnoff
 
               
               that is?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know. He can be so weird sometimes.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               I still haven't figured him out.

               
                             ELAINE
               No. Me neither.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting 
               into soup mode.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, God!

               
                             GEORGE
               Good afternoon. One large crab bisque 
               to go. Bread. Beautiful.
 
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               You're pushing your luck little man.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Sorry. Thank you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi there. Um, uh -- (drumming on countertop) 
               Oh! Oh! Oh! One
 
               
               mulligatawny and, um....

               
               what is that right there? Is that lima bean?

               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               Never been a big fan. (coughing) Um..you 
               know what? Has anyone ever
 
               
               told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, " Scent Of 
               A Woman."
 
               
               Who-ah! Who-ah!

               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Very good. Very good.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I --

               
                             SOUP NAZI
               You know something?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hmmm?

               
                             SOUP NAZI
               No soup for you!

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Come back one year! Next!

               
                             RAY
               Look at this.

               
                             BOB
               It's an antique.

               
                             RAY
               It's all hand made and I love the in-lay.
 
               
               
                             BOB
               Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous. 
               Completely. Pick it up. No. No.
 
               
               Pick it up from the bottom over there.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you 
               doing?
 
               
                             BOB
               What does it look like we're doing? 
               We're taking this.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You can't take this. This belongs to 
               a friend of mine.
 
               
                             BOB
               Look, you wanna get hurt?

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh?

               
                             BOB
               I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because 
               if you wanna get hurt I can
 
               
               hurt you. Now, just back off.

               
                             RAY
               Bob.

               
                             BOB
               Just pick it up.

               
                             KRAMER
               What is this, huh?

               
                             BOB
               You have some kind of problem here? 
               What is it you not understanding?
 
               
               
               We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay?

               
                             ELAINE
               I mean, is he allowed to do this? It's 
               discrimination! I'm gonna
 
               
               call the states' attorney office. I really am.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine, 
               you have to taste this.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               All right. All right. Give me a tsate. 
               Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit
 
               
               down. What happened? Where's my armoire?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, b -- it was stolen.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wha--?

               
                             KRAMER
               These street toughs, they robbed me.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Street toughs took my armoire?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. It was very frightening. My life 
               was in danger. You should've
 
               
               seen the way they talked to me.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe this!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, where's the soup?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Wha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out.
 
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh...yeah!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What are you gonna get?

               
               
               
                             SHEILA
               I'll decide at the last minute.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You better decide, sister. You're on 
               deck. Sheila!
 
               
               
               
               (Soup Nazi pounding on countertop)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Uh-oh.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Hey, what is this? You're kissing in 
               my line? Nobody kisses in
 
               
               
               
               my line!

               
               
               
                             SHEILA
               I can kiss anywhere I want to.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               You just cost yourself a soup!

               
               
               
                             SHEILA
               How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're 
               leaving. Jerry?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Do I know you?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So, essentially, you chose soup over 
               a woman?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               It was a bisque.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. You know what I just realized? 
               Suddenly, George has become
 
               
               
               
               much more normal than you.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. 
               He's engaged to be married.
 
               
               
               
               Your top priority is soup.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Have you tastes the soup?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. All right. You made the right 
               decision.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               See, the way I figure it, it's much 
               easier to patch things up with
 
               
               
               
               Sheila than with the Soup Nazi.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, thanks.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               There he is.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire.
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. I know. Me, too.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, did these thieves want any money?
 
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               They just wanted the armoire?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. They were..quite taken with it.
 
               
               
               
               
               (interom buzzes)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hup! Hup!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, have you noticed George is acting 
               a little strange lately?
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No. In what way?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. A lot of attitude, like 
               he's better than me, or
 
               
               
               
               something.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't think George has ever thought 
               he's better than anybody.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hello.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hello.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Were you just talking about me? What's 
               going on?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Absolutely not.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Something's going on here.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, (claps hands) I'm gonna go 
               get some soup.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               One of these days that guy is gonna 
               get his.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So, how was the movie?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Aw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind 
               of on the outs.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy?
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Happy? Why should I be happy?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, but you look like you're 
               happy.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why should I care?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You can't fool me. Don't insult me, 
               George because I know when
 
               
               
               
               you're happy.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right. I am happy, and I'll tell 
               ya why -- because the two of
 
               
               
               
               you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, 
               Elaine?
 
               
               
               
               (Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is that so?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and 
               the shmoopy, shmoopy,
 
               
               
               
               shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting!
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Disgusting?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               People who do that should be arrested.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I guess I have all the more reason 
               to get back with her.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You shook my hand in that coffee shop.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're still with the pact?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Mmm-hmm. You reneged.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               All I did was shake your hand.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah-ha!

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               And then they just ran off with the 
               armoire, just like that.
 
               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Ohh! This city.

               
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               One large jambalaya, please.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               So, continue.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, my friend is awful disappointed 
               is all. You know, she's very
 
               
               
               
               emotional.

               
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Thank you. (inhaling deeply) Jambalaya!
 
               
               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               All right, now listen to me. You have 
               been a good friend. I have
 
               
               
               
               an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're 
               welcome
 
               
               
               
               to it. So, take it, it's yours.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               How can I possibly thank you?

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               You are the only one who understands 
               me.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You suffer for your soup.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Yes. That is right.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You demand perfection from yourself, 
               from your soup.
 
               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               How can I tolerate any less from my 
               customer?
 
               
               
               
                             CUSTOMER
               Uh, gazpacho, por favor.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Por favor?

               
               
               
                             CUSTOMER
               Um, I'm part Spanish.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Adios muchacho!

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Git.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               It was stupid of me.

               
               
               
                             SHEILA
               Well, it was very insulting.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No. I know. I - I was really sort of 
               half-kidding.
 
               
               
               
                             SHEILA
               Well, behind every joke there's some 
               truth.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What about that Bavarian cream pie joke 
               I told you? There's no truth
 
               
               
               
               to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United 
               States
 
               
               
               
               to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they 
               get
 
               
               
               
               there and they don't have it he says " Aw, I'll just have some
 
               
               
               
               
               coffee." There's no truth to that.

               
               
               
                             SHEILA
               Well, I guess you're right.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, am I forgiven, shmoopy?

               
               
               
                             SHEILA
               Yes, shmoopy.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Aw!

               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Hey, Jerry!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila.
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yes. Hello.

               
               
               
                             SHEILA
               Hello. Won't you join us?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, thanks.

               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Of course.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same 
               side at a booth, huh?
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. That's right. You got a problem?
 
               
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I, uh, just think it's a little unusual. 
               Two people to sit on one
 
               
               
               
               side...and leave the other side empty.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, we're changing the rules.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ahh. Good for you.

               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Aw, what are you getting George?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, honey. What do you want 
               to get? (in babying voice) I
 
               
               
               
               want you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much. 
               I
 
               
               
               
               want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie?

               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, George, you're so sweet.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I could be a little sweetie tweetie 
               weetie weetie.
 
               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Aww!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a 
               little tuna? You want a little
 
               
               
               
               tuna fishy?

               
               
               
                             SHEILA
               Yeah.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yum yum little tuna fishy?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Come here.

               
               
               
               (George & Susan begin making out; Jerry & Sheila begin making 
               out in order
 
               
               
               
               to keep up)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               And..voila!

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (gasps)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love 
               it!
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Did the K Man do it or did the 
               K Man do it?
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The K Man did it!

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah!

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (laughing) How much did you pay for 
               this thing?
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               How 'bout zero?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? Who's was it? Where'd you get 
               it?
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'll tell ya where I got it. I got it 
               from the guy you so callously
 
               
               
               
               refer to as the Soup Nazi.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Get out!

               
               
               
               (Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards 
               through her
 
               
               
               
               swinging door)

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The Soup Nazi gave it to you?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I told him the whole story and 
               he just let me have it. Wha --
 
               
               
               
               Yeah. He's a wonderful man.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (gasps)

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood 
               but, uh....
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I'm just gonna go down there and 
               personally thank him. I
 
               
               
               
               mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful!

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Well, he's a dear.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               How much tip do you leave on $8.15?
 
               
               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               You know sweetie, I just want you to 
               know that I was so proud of you
 
               
               
               
               today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and 
               all.
 
               
               
               
               Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a 
               great step
 
               
               
               
               forward in our relationship.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Huh?

               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               (in babying voice) Because you love 
               your little kiki don't you?
 
               
               
               
                             CUSTOMER
               How is he today?

               
               
               
                             BANIA
               I think he's in a good mood.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire 
               and it is so beautiful.
 
               
               
               
               I'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               You? If I knew it was for you, I never 
               would have given it to
 
               
               
               
               him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed 
               it
 
               
               
               
               to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm heading over to Elaine's.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged 
               me for the armoire.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Those two?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Are you sure?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. That's them.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, let's confront 'em.

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No. No. No. No. Let's get a cop.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               There's no cops around. They're gonna 
               leave. Come on.
 
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Let's go.

               
               
               
                             BOB
               Oh, wow look, that one is gorgeous. 
               I would just kill for that one.
 
               
               
               
                             RAY
               Oh, not in blue. Blue does not go with 
               all.
 
               
               
               
                             BOB
               Oh, please. Do you know what you're 
               talking about? Because I don't
 
               
               
               
               think you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that.
 
               
               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Excuse me.

               
               
               
                             RAY
               Are you talking to me?

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, well, uh, we --

               
               
               
                             RAY
               I said, are you talking to me?

               
               
               
                             BOB
               Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was 
               you talking to him? Because you
 
               
               
               
               was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who 
               was you
 
               
               
               
               talking to?!

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind 
               of, uh, talking to each
 
               
               
               
               other, weren't we?

               
               
               
               (Jerry & Kramer turn around and run away)

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I mean, you know, I've never been so 
               insulted in my entire life.
 
               
               
               
               There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi.
 
               
               
               
               
               What? What is that?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. " 5 cups chopped Porcine 
               mushrooms, half a cup of
 
               
               
               
               olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley..."

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Let me see this. (gasps) You know what 
               this is? This is a recipe
 
               
               
               
               for soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes.
 
               
               
               
               
               These are his recipes!

               
               
               
                             JERY
               So?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So? So, his secret's out. Don't you 
               see? I could give these to
 
               
               
               
               every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could 
               - I could
 
               
               
               
               drop fliers from a plane above the city.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you 
               think you're going?
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What do you care?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, I don't want you causing any 
               trouble down at that soup
 
               
               
               
               stand. I happen to love that soup.

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Get out of my way, Jerry.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, let the man make his soup!
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Don't make me hurt you, Jerry.

               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Look, they have it in blue...for my 
               baby bluey. Are you my baby
 
               
               
               
               bluey?

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well. Well.

               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Hi, Jerry.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Susan, George.

               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               You know, I really like Sheila a lot.
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, really?

               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Mmm-hmm.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Because we're kind of not seeing each 
               other anymore.
 
               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, no! That's too bad.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate 
               - which I love. You know I love that 
               - but mentally, we couldn't quite make 
               the connection.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have 
               the affection - which you obviously 
               have. I think it's great that you're 
               so open with your affections in public. 
               See, we had that.
 
               
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Mmm-hmm.

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You did?

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But 
               anyway. I'll see ya.
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. See ya.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Go on! Leave! Get out!

               
               
               
                             WOMAN
               But I didn't do anything.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Next!

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               You. You think you can get soup? Please. 
               You're wasting everyone's time.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't want soup. I can make my own 
               soup. " 5 cups chopped Porcine
 
               
               
               
               mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery."

               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               That is my recipe for wild mushroom.
 
               
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold 
               cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny.
 
               
               
               
               
                             SOUP NAZI
               Mulliga...tawny?

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. 
               No more soup for you. Next!
 
               
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               (panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is it?

               
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Something's happened with the Soup Nazi!
 
               
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wha - wha - what's the matter?

               
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Elaine's down there causing all kinds 
               of commotion. Somehow she got a hold 
               of his recipes and she says she's gonna 
               drive him out of business! The Soup 
               Nazi said that now that his recipes 
               are out, he's not gonna make anymore 
               soup! He's moving out of the country, 
               moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! 
               No more soup for any of us!
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, where are you going?

               
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               He's giving away what's left! I gotta 
               go home and get a big pot!
 
               
               
                             THE END



The Soup Nazi



Writers :   Spike Feresten
Genres :   Comedy


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