THE SOUP NAZI
Written by
Spike Feresten
GEORGE
All right. So, what theatre you wanna
go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or
84th and Broadway.
JERRY
Which one you wanna go to shmoopy?
SHEILA
You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy.
JERRY
You're a shmoopy!
SHEILA
You're a shmoopy!
JERRY
You're a shmoopy!
GEORGE
All right, shmoopies...what's it gonna
be? Pick a theater.
JERRY
Uh..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can
you come with us for lunch to the soup
place?
SHEILA
No. You have a good lunch. But I'll
meet you back here for the movie.
GEORGE
Hey.
ELAINE
Hey.
SHEILA
Hi Elaine.
ELAINE
Hi Sheila.
JERRY
All right, then. I'll see you later.
SHEILA
Bye shmoopy.
JERRY
Bye shmoopy.
ELAINE
Okay. We ready to go?
GEORGE
Yes. Please. Please, let's go.
ELAINE
Boy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.
JERRY
No. We gotta go to the soup place.
ELAINE
What soup place?
GEORGE
Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been
going there.
JERRY
He's always raving. I finally got a
chance to go there the other day, and
I tell you this, you will be stunned.
ELAINE
Stunned by soup?
JERRY
You can't eat this soup standing up,
your knees buckle.
ELAINE
Huh. All right. Come on.
JERRY
There's only one caveat -- the guy who
runs the place is a little temperamental,
especially about the ordering procedure.
He's secretly referred to as the Soup
Nazi.
ELAINE
Why? What happens if you don't order
right?
JERRY
He yells and you don't get your soup.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
Just follow the ordering procedure and
you will be fine.
GEORGE
All right. All right. Let's - let's
go over that again.
JERRY
All right. As you walk in the place
move immediately to your right.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
The main thing is to keep the line moving.
GEORGE
All right. So, you hold out your money,
speak your soup in a loud, clear voice,
step to the left and receive.
JERRY
Right. It's very important not to embellish
on your order. No extraneous comments.
No questions. No compliments.
ELAINE
Oh, boy, I'm really scared!
JERRY
Elaine.
ELAINE
All right. Jerry, that's enough now
about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look
at this. You know what this is? This
is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French.
Armoire.
JERRY
Ar-moire.
ELAINE
How much is this?
FURNITURE GUY
I was asking 250, but you got a nice
face. 2 even.
ELAINE
Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always
wanted one of these things.
JERRY
He gave you the nice face discount.
ELAINE
Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead.
JERRY
What about the soup?
ELAINE
I'm getting an armoire, Jerry.
JERRY
(in French accent) Pardon.
GEORGE
This line is huge.
JERRY
It's like this all the time.
GEORGE
Isn't that that Bania guy?
JERRY
Oh, no. It is. Just be still.
GEORGE
Whoop! Too late. I think he picked up
the scent.
BANIA
Hey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked
soup.
JERRY
Hard to believe.
BANIA
This guy makes the best soup in the
city, Jerry. The best. You know what
they call him? Soup Nazi.
JERRY
Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not
letting you cut in line.
BANIA
Why not?
JERRY
Because if he catches us, we'll never
be able to get soup again.
BANIA
Okay. Okay.
GEORGE
Medium turkey chili.
JERRY
Medium crab bisque.
GEORGE
I didn't get any bread.
JERRY
Just forget it. Let it go.
GEORGE
Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot
my bread.
SOUP NAZI
Bread -- $2 extra.
GEORGE
$2? But everyone in front of me got
free bread.
SOUP NAZI
You want bread?
GEORGE
Yes, please.
SOUP NAZI
$3!
GEORGE
What?
SOUP NAZI
No soup for you! (snaps fingers)
(cashier takes George's soup and gives him back his money)
ELAINE
What do you mean I can't bring in here?
I live here.
SUPER
It's Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving
on Sunday. That's the rule.
ELAINE
But I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't
you just make an exception? Please.
I've got a nice face.
SUPER
Tomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow.
I'll even give you a hand, all right?
ELAINE
Ohh! Well, you're just gonna have to
hold this for me.
FURNITURE GUY
I'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have
layaway.
ELAINE
Oh, no...please don't go. Please - please
don't walk away.
JERRY
Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How
does he do it?
GEORGE
You know, I don't see how you can sit
there eating that and not even offer
me any?
JERRY
I gave you a taste. What do you want?
GEORGE
Why can't we share?
JERRY
I told you not to say anything. You
can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the
rules and then think I'm gonna share
with you!
GEORGE
Do you hear yourself?
JERRY
I'm sorry. This is what comes from living
under a Nazi regime.
GEORGE
Well, I gotta go back there and try
again. Hi Sheila.
SHEILA
Hi. Hi shmoopy.
JERRY
Hi shmoopy.
SHEILA
No, you're a shmoopy!
JERRY
You're a shmoopy!
GEORGE
I'm going.
JERRY
Hey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan
at the movie tonight?
GEORGE
You know what? I changed my mind. I,
uh, I don't think so.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
I just don't feel like it anymore.
JERRY
Just like that?
GEORGE
Just like that.
SHEILA
Boy, he's a weird guy, isn't he?
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
(taking Jerry's couch cushion) Yeah.
JERRY
Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha
-- what are you doing?
KRAMER
Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire
on the street all
night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on.
JERRY
Well, sit on one of your couch cushions.
KRAMER
Yeah, but this is so nice and thick.
Ahoy there!
ELAINE
Oh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate
you doing this.
KRAMER
Yeah. Well, you ask for it, you got
it.
ELAINE
Do you need anything?
KRAMER
Well, a bowl of muligatawny would hit
the spot.
ELAINE
Mulligatawny?
KRAMER
Yeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered
to perfection by one of
the great soup artisans
in the modern era.
ELAINE
Oh! Who? The Soup Nazi?
KRAMER
He's not a Nazi. He just happens to
be a little eccentric. Most
geniuses are.
ELAINE
All right. I'll be back.
KRAMER
Wait a second. You don't even know how
to order.
ELAINE
Oh, no. No. No. No. I got it.
KRAMER
No. No, Elaine!
ELAINE
Hey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already
get soup?
GEORGE
No. I didn't get it.
ELAINE
Why? What happened?
GEORGE
I made a mistake.
ELAINE
(laughing)
GEORGE
All right. Well, we'll see what happens
to you.
ELAINE
Yeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite
certain I'm walking out of
there with a bowl of soup.
GEORGE
Yeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is
it just me, or - or do you
find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl?
ELAINE
Oh, I know! It is awful!
GEORGE
Why do they have to do that in front
of people?
ELAINE
I don't know.
GEORGE
What is that with the shmoopy?
ELAINE
Ohh!
GEORGE
The shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy,
shmoopy!
ELAINE
Ohh! Stop it! I know.
GEORGE
I had to listen to a five minute discussion
on which one is
actually called shmoopy.
ELAINE
Ugh!
GEORGE
And I cancelled plans to go to the movies
with them tonight.
ELAINE
You know, we should say something.
GEORGE
You know, we absolutely should.
ELAINE
I mean, why does he do that? Doesn't
he know what a huge turnoff
that is?
GEORGE
I don't know. He can be so weird sometimes.
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE
I still haven't figured him out.
ELAINE
No. Me neither.
GEORGE
All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting
into soup mode.
ELAINE
Oh, God!
GEORGE
Good afternoon. One large crab bisque
to go. Bread. Beautiful.
SOUP NAZI
You're pushing your luck little man.
GEORGE
Sorry. Thank you.
ELAINE
Hi there. Um, uh -- (drumming on countertop)
Oh! Oh! Oh! One
mulligatawny and, um....
what is that right there? Is that lima bean?
SOUP NAZI
Yes.
ELAINE
Never been a big fan. (coughing) Um..you
know what? Has anyone ever
told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, " Scent Of
A Woman."
Who-ah! Who-ah!
SOUP NAZI
Very good. Very good.
ELAINE
Well, I --
SOUP NAZI
You know something?
ELAINE
Hmmm?
SOUP NAZI
No soup for you!
ELAINE
What?
SOUP NAZI
Come back one year! Next!
RAY
Look at this.
BOB
It's an antique.
RAY
It's all hand made and I love the in-lay.
BOB
Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous.
Completely. Pick it up. No. No.
Pick it up from the bottom over there.
KRAMER
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you
doing?
BOB
What does it look like we're doing?
We're taking this.
KRAMER
You can't take this. This belongs to
a friend of mine.
BOB
Look, you wanna get hurt?
KRAMER
Huh?
BOB
I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because
if you wanna get hurt I can
hurt you. Now, just back off.
RAY
Bob.
BOB
Just pick it up.
KRAMER
What is this, huh?
BOB
You have some kind of problem here?
What is it you not understanding?
We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay?
ELAINE
I mean, is he allowed to do this? It's
discrimination! I'm gonna
call the states' attorney office. I really am.
GEORGE
Oh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine,
you have to taste this.
ELAINE
All right. All right. Give me a tsate.
Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit
down. What happened? Where's my armoire?
KRAMER
Well, b -- it was stolen.
ELAINE
Wha--?
KRAMER
These street toughs, they robbed me.
ELAINE
Street toughs took my armoire?
KRAMER
Yeah. It was very frightening. My life
was in danger. You should've
seen the way they talked to me.
ELAINE
I can't believe this!
KRAMER
Well, where's the soup?
ELAINE
Wha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out.
KRAMER
Oh...yeah!
JERRY
What are you gonna get?
SHEILA
I'll decide at the last minute.
JERRY
You better decide, sister. You're on
deck. Sheila!
(Soup Nazi pounding on countertop)
JERRY
Uh-oh.
SOUP NAZI
Hey, what is this? You're kissing in
my line? Nobody kisses in
my line!
SHEILA
I can kiss anywhere I want to.
SOUP NAZI
You just cost yourself a soup!
SHEILA
How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're
leaving. Jerry?
JERRY
Do I know you?
ELAINE
So, essentially, you chose soup over
a woman?
JERRY
It was a bisque.
ELAINE
Yeah. You know what I just realized?
Suddenly, George has become
much more normal than you.
JERRY
Really?
ELAINE
Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it.
He's engaged to be married.
Your top priority is soup.
JERRY
Have you tastes the soup?
ELAINE
Yeah. All right. You made the right
decision.
JERRY
See, the way I figure it, it's much
easier to patch things up with
Sheila than with the Soup Nazi.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Hey.
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
Oh, thanks.
ELAINE
There he is.
KRAMER
Elaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire.
ELAINE
Yeah. I know. Me, too.
JERRY
So, did these thieves want any money?
KRAMER
No.
JERRY
They just wanted the armoire?
KRAMER
Yeah. They were..quite taken with it.
(interom buzzes)
JERRY
Yeah?
GEORGE
Hup! Hup!
JERRY
Hey, have you noticed George is acting
a little strange lately?
ELAINE
No. In what way?
JERRY
I don't know. A lot of attitude, like
he's better than me, or
something.
ELAINE
I don't think George has ever thought
he's better than anybody.
GEORGE
Hello.
JERRY
Hello.
KRAMER
Hey.
GEORGE
Hello.
ELAINE
Hello.
GEORGE
Were you just talking about me? What's
going on?
JERRY
Absolutely not.
GEORGE
Something's going on here.
KRAMER
All right, (claps hands) I'm gonna go
get some soup.
ELAINE
One of these days that guy is gonna
get his.
GEORGE
So, how was the movie?
JERRY
Aw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind
of on the outs.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah?
JERRY
Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy?
GEORGE
Happy? Why should I be happy?
JERRY
I don't know, but you look like you're
happy.
GEORGE
Why should I care?
JERRY
You can't fool me. Don't insult me,
George because I know when
you're happy.
GEORGE
All right. I am happy, and I'll tell
ya why -- because the two of
you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right,
Elaine?
(Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
Is that so?
GEORGE
Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and
the shmoopy, shmoopy,
shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting!
JERRY
Disgusting?
GEORGE
People who do that should be arrested.
JERRY
Well, I guess I have all the more reason
to get back with her.
GEORGE
Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know.
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
You shook my hand in that coffee shop.
JERRY
You're still with the pact?
GEORGE
Mmm-hmm. You reneged.
JERRY
All I did was shake your hand.
GEORGE
Ah-ha!
KRAMER
And then they just ran off with the
armoire, just like that.
SOUP NAZI
Ohh! This city.
NEWMAN
One large jambalaya, please.
SOUP NAZI
So, continue.
KRAMER
Well, my friend is awful disappointed
is all. You know, she's very
emotional.
NEWMAN
Thank you. (inhaling deeply) Jambalaya!
SOUP NAZI
All right, now listen to me. You have
been a good friend. I have
an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're
welcome
to it. So, take it, it's yours.
KRAMER
How can I possibly thank you?
SOUP NAZI
You are the only one who understands
me.
KRAMER
You suffer for your soup.
SOUP NAZI
Yes. That is right.
KRAMER
You demand perfection from yourself,
from your soup.
SOUP NAZI
How can I tolerate any less from my
customer?
CUSTOMER
Uh, gazpacho, por favor.
SOUP NAZI
Por favor?
CUSTOMER
Um, I'm part Spanish.
SOUP NAZI
Adios muchacho!
KRAMER
Git.
JERRY
It was stupid of me.
SHEILA
Well, it was very insulting.
JERRY
No. I know. I - I was really sort of
half-kidding.
SHEILA
Well, behind every joke there's some
truth.
JERRY
What about that Bavarian cream pie joke
I told you? There's no truth
to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United
States
to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they
get
there and they don't have it he says " Aw, I'll just have some
coffee." There's no truth to that.
SHEILA
Well, I guess you're right.
JERRY
So, am I forgiven, shmoopy?
SHEILA
Yes, shmoopy.
JERRY
Aw!
SUSAN
Hey, Jerry!
JERRY
Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila.
GEORGE
Oh, yes. Hello.
SHEILA
Hello. Won't you join us?
GEORGE
No, thanks.
SUSAN
Of course.
GEORGE
Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same
side at a booth, huh?
JERRY
Yeah. That's right. You got a problem?
GEORGE
I, uh, just think it's a little unusual.
Two people to sit on one
side...and leave the other side empty.
JERRY
Well, we're changing the rules.
GEORGE
Ahh. Good for you.
SUSAN
Aw, what are you getting George?
GEORGE
I don't know, honey. What do you want
to get? (in babying voice) I
want you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much.
I
want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie?
SUSAN
Oh, George, you're so sweet.
GEORGE
Well, I could be a little sweetie tweetie
weetie weetie.
SUSAN
Aww!
JERRY
What about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a
little tuna? You want a little
tuna fishy?
SHEILA
Yeah.
JERRY
Yum yum little tuna fishy?
GEORGE
Come here.
(George & Susan begin making out; Jerry & Sheila begin making
out in order
to keep up)
KRAMER
And..voila!
ELAINE
(gasps)
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Oh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love
it!
KRAMER
Yeah. Did the K Man do it or did the
K Man do it?
ELAINE
The K Man did it!
KRAMER
Yeah!
ELAINE
(laughing) How much did you pay for
this thing?
KRAMER
How 'bout zero?
ELAINE
What?
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
What? Who's was it? Where'd you get
it?
KRAMER
I'll tell ya where I got it. I got it
from the guy you so callously
refer to as the Soup Nazi.
ELAINE
Get out!
(Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards
through her
swinging door)
ELAINE
The Soup Nazi gave it to you?
KRAMER
Yeah.
ELAINE
Why?
KRAMER
Well, I told him the whole story and
he just let me have it. Wha --
Yeah. He's a wonderful man.
ELAINE
(gasps)
KRAMER
Yeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood
but, uh....
ELAINE
Well, I'm just gonna go down there and
personally thank him. I
mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful!
KRAMER
Yeah. Well, he's a dear.
GEORGE
How much tip do you leave on $8.15?
SUSAN
You know sweetie, I just want you to
know that I was so proud of you
today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and
all.
Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a
great step
forward in our relationship.
GEORGE
Huh?
SUSAN
(in babying voice) Because you love
your little kiki don't you?
CUSTOMER
How is he today?
BANIA
I think he's in a good mood.
ELAINE
Hi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire
and it is so beautiful.
I'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
SOUP NAZI
You? If I knew it was for you, I never
would have given it to
him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed
it
to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up!
JERRY
I'm heading over to Elaine's.
KRAMER
Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged
me for the armoire.
JERRY
Those two?
KRAMER
Yeah.
JERRY
Are you sure?
KRAMER
Yeah. That's them.
JERRY
Well, let's confront 'em.
KRAMER
No. No. No. No. Let's get a cop.
JERRY
There's no cops around. They're gonna
leave. Come on.
KRAMER
No!
JERRY
Let's go.
BOB
Oh, wow look, that one is gorgeous.
I would just kill for that one.
RAY
Oh, not in blue. Blue does not go with
all.
BOB
Oh, please. Do you know what you're
talking about? Because I don't
think you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that.
KRAMER
Excuse me.
RAY
Are you talking to me?
KRAMER
Uh, well, uh, we --
RAY
I said, are you talking to me?
BOB
Well, maybe, he was talking to me. Was
you talking to him? Because you
was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who
was you
talking to?!
KRAMER
Well, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind
of, uh, talking to each
other, weren't we?
(Jerry & Kramer turn around and run away)
ELAINE
I mean, you know, I've never been so
insulted in my entire life.
There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi.
What? What is that?
JERRY
I don't know. " 5 cups chopped Porcine
mushrooms, half a cup of
olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley..."
ELAINE
Let me see this. (gasps) You know what
this is? This is a recipe
for soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes.
These are his recipes!
JERY
So?
ELAINE
So? So, his secret's out. Don't you
see? I could give these to
every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could
- I could
drop fliers from a plane above the city.
JERRY
Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you
think you're going?
ELAINE
What do you care?
JERRY
Elaine, I don't want you causing any
trouble down at that soup
stand. I happen to love that soup.
ELAINE
Get out of my way, Jerry.
JERRY
Elaine, let the man make his soup!
ELAINE
Don't make me hurt you, Jerry.
SUSAN
Look, they have it in blue...for my
baby bluey. Are you my baby
bluey?
GEORGE
Oh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey.
JERRY
Well. Well.
SUSAN
Hi, Jerry.
JERRY
Hey, Susan, George.
SUSAN
You know, I really like Sheila a lot.
JERRY
Oh, really?
SUSAN
Mmm-hmm.
JERRY
Because we're kind of not seeing each
other anymore.
SUSAN
Oh, no! That's too bad.
JERRY
Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate
- which I love. You know I love that
- but mentally, we couldn't quite make
the connection.
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
Yeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have
the affection - which you obviously
have. I think it's great that you're
so open with your affections in public.
See, we had that.
SUSAN
Mmm-hmm.
GEORGE
You did?
JERRY
Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But
anyway. I'll see ya.
GEORGE
Yeah. See ya.
SOUP NAZI
Go on! Leave! Get out!
WOMAN
But I didn't do anything.
SOUP NAZI
Next!
ELAINE
Hello.
SOUP NAZI
You. You think you can get soup? Please.
You're wasting everyone's time.
ELAINE
I don't want soup. I can make my own
soup. " 5 cups chopped Porcine
mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery."
SOUP NAZI
That is my recipe for wild mushroom.
ELAINE
Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold
cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny.
SOUP NAZI
Mulliga...tawny?
ELAINE
You're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up.
No more soup for you. Next!
NEWMAN
(panting) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY
What is it?
NEWMAN
Something's happened with the Soup Nazi!
JERRY
Wha - wha - what's the matter?
NEWMAN
Elaine's down there causing all kinds
of commotion. Somehow she got a hold
of his recipes and she says she's gonna
drive him out of business! The Soup
Nazi said that now that his recipes
are out, he's not gonna make anymore
soup! He's moving out of the country,
moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry!
No more soup for any of us!
JERRY
Well, where are you going?
NEWMAN
He's giving away what's left! I gotta
go home and get a big pot!
THE END
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