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                             THE SPONGE



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no 
               prescription in the glasses because 
               he thinks it makes him look more intelligent, 
               now why? Why do we think that glasses 
               makes us look more intelligent? Is it 
               from the endless hours of reading and 
               studying and researching that this person 
               supposedly blew out their eyeballs, 
               and that's why they need the glasses? 
               It's just a corrective device. If you 
               see someone with a hearing aid, you 
               don't think, 'Oh, they must have been 
               listening real good...yeah, to a lot 
               of important stuff...' No, they are 
               deaf. They can't hear.
 
               
               (Jerry and Elaine in a booth at Monk's. Kramer comes over from 
               the counter with a clipboard in his hand)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, boys and girls. I need you both 
               to sponsor me in the AIDS walk.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Is that tomorrow?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, so...git-git...(gestures 
               to Elaine to sign the form.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I admire you for joining the fight 
               against AIDS.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, if I didn't do something I wouldn't 
               be able to live with myself.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's hard enough living next door.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I tell ya, there's some people, they 
               just wear a ribbon and they think they're 
               doin' something? Not me. I talk the 
               talk, and I walk the walk, baby. (gets 
               up) I'll be right back.
 
               
               (Jerry stands up and gets a bottle of ketchup from the next table.)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               New jeans?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Still a 31 waist?

               
                             JERRY
               Yep. Since college. (Looks at Kramer's 
               AIDS walk list.) Hey, Lena Small's on 
               this list.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Lena Small?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for 
               a date, she was unlisted...and now here's 
               her number.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone 
               number off an AIDS charity list!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, you should admire me...I'm aspiring 
               to date a giving person.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You're a taking person.

               
                             JERRY
               That's why I should date a giving person. 
               If I date a taking person, everyone's 
               taking, taking, taking, no one's giving 
               - it's bedlam.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               She's gonna ask how you got her number.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who 
               knew her and he gave it to me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What's he look like?

               
                             JERRY
               I really didn't pay much attention, 
               I'd just come from buying a speedboat.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You're buying a speedboat?

               
                             JERRY
               See, we're already off the subject of 
               how I got her number. (Elaine laughs.) 
               All I gotta do is get past the first 
               phone call and I'm home free.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know about that.

               
                             JERRY
               So if Billy had gotten your number off 
               the AIDS walk list, you wouldn't have 
               gone out with him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. So you really like this guy.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Very much.

               
                             JERRY
               How's the...sexual chemistry?

               
                             ELAINE
               Haven't been in the lab yet. But I am 
               birth control shopping today. (Kramer 
               overhears as he returns to the booth.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Are you still on the pill?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, Kramer...

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll tell ya, I think birth control 
               should be discussed in an open forum.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The sponge, o.k.? The Today sponge.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               But wasn't that taken off the market?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Off the market? The sponge? No, no...no 
               way. Everybody loves the sponge.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I read it in Wall Street Week...Louis, 
               uh, Rukeyser.
 
               
               (Elaine laughs.)

               
               
               
               (Jerry on the phone in his apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. 
               How did I get your number? I met a guy 
               that knows you, he gave it to me...I 
               don't remember his name. Think it began 
               with a W, maybe a Q. I wasn't paying 
               that much attention, I'd just come from 
               shopping for a speedboat...
 
               
               
               
               George and Susan in George's car.

               
                             SUSAN
               You know, I really like those new jeans 
               Jerry was wearing. He's really thin.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Not as thin as you think.

               
                             SUSAN
               Why? He's a 31. I saw the tag on the 
               back.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The tag, huh?

               
                             SUSAN
               Mmm-hmm.

               
                             GEORGE
               Let me tell you something about that 
               tag. It's no 31, and uh...let's just 
               leave it at that.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               What are you talking about?

               
                             GEORGE
               He scratches off a 32 and he puts in 
               31.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, how could he be so vain?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that 
               only I know. I can't believe I just 
               told you that.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Why not?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Well, it's alright, I'm your fiance. 
               Everyone assumes you'll tell me everything.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Where did you get that from?

               
                             SUSAN
               Well, we're a couple. It's understood.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I never heard of that.

               
                             SUSAN
               Well, you've never been a couple.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've coupled! I've coupled!

               
                             SUSAN
               Keeping secrets! This is just like your 
               secret bank code.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is totally different! That was 
               my secret, this is Jerry's secret! There's...there's 
               attorney-client priveleges here! If 
               I play it by your rule, no one'll ever 
               confide in me again, I'll be cut out 
               of the loop!
 
               
               George arrives at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. What's the matter?

               
                             GEORGE
               I had a fight with Susan.

               
                             JERRY
               What about?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh...(is about to tell Jerry, but reconsiders) 
               ...clothing, something, I dunno. So, 
               uh, what are you doing today?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I got a date with that girl, Lena.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Lena, how'd you meet her?

               
                             JERRY
               I actually met her a few weeks ago, 
               but... (Jerry stops, and mentally visualizes 
               George telling Susan about how Jerry 
               got Lena's number from the AIDS list...then 
               Susan passing the information along 
               to Monica on the phone at work.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You met her a few weeks ago, but...?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't call her till today.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, uh...wanna double?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I just had a fight - I need a 
               group dynamic.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I dunno. (Elaine enters.) Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, Kramer was right. My friend Kim 
               told me the sponge is off the market.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what are you gonna do?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm 
               gonna do a hard-target search. Of every 
               drug store, general store, health store 
               and grocery store in a 25-block radius.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Just for these sponges?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey man, women are really loyal to their 
               birth control methods. What does Susan 
               use?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I dunno.

               
                             ELAINE
               You don't know?

               
                             GEORGE
               I, uh...figure it's something. (Kramer 
               enters.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you all out of breath from?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               The elevator just broke. I had to walk 
               up five flights.
 
               
                             JERRY
               And you got the AIDS walk tomorrow. 
               You're never gonna make it, you're in 
               horrible shape.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I'm in tip-top shape. Better than 
               you!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I got a 31 waist, mister!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well I'm walking for charity, 
               what are you doing?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What am I doing? I'm...dating a woman 
               who happens to be sponsoring one of 
               these walkers.
 
               
               a musical montage of Elaine's "hard-target search" - visiting 
               stores and pharmacies all over town and not finding a sponge 
               anywhere. She ends up at the Pasteur Pharmacy.
 
               
                             PHARMACIST
               Can I help you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, do you have any Today sponges? 
               I know they're off the market, but...
 
               
               
                             PHARMACIST
               Actually, we have a case left.

               
                             ELAINE
               A case! A case of sponges? I mean, uh...a 
               case. Huh. Uh...how many come in a case?
 
               
               
                             PHARMACIST
               Sixty.

               
                             ELAINE
               Sixty?! Uh...well, I'll take three.
 
               
               
                             PHARMACIST
               Three.

               
                             ELAINE
               Make it ten.

               
                             PHARMACIST
               Ten?

               
                             ELAINE
               Twenty sponges should be plenty.

               
                             PHARMACIST
               Did you say twenty?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine.
 
               
               
                             PHARMACIST
               Right. So, you're set with twenty-five.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Just give me the whole case and 
               I'll be on my way.
 
               
               Jerry and Lena having dinner in a restaurant with George and 
               Susan.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I have found the best-smelling 
               detergent. Lena, smell my shirt.
 
               
                             LENA
               Mmm! Very nice.

               
                             JERRY
               It's All-Tempa-Cheer.

               
                             LENA
               I use Planet. It's bio-degradable and 
               doesn't pollute the oceans.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, the oceans really are getting 
               very sudsy.
 
               
                             LENA
               Can you wrap up all the left-overs on 
               the table, please? I always take the 
               left-overs. I work in a soup kitchen 
               every morning at 6 a.m.
 
               
                             JERRY
               They serve soup at 6 a.m.?

               
                             LENA
               Yeah. That's all they have.

               
                             JERRY
               Do the bums ever complain? "Soup again?"
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'd get tired of it.

               
                             JERRY
               How could you not?

               
                             LENA
               Guess who volunteered last week?

               
                             GEORGE
               Mick Jagger.

               
                             LENA
               No. Maya Angelou.

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, the poet!

               
                             JERRY
               So, let me ask you something - these 
               people eat soup three times a day?
 
               
               
                             LENA
               I don't know.

               
                             SUSAN
               So, did you get to talk to her?

               
                             LENA
               Talk to who?

               
                             JERRY
               Is it a lot of cream soups?

               
                             SUSAN
               Maya Angelou, the poet.

               
                             LENA
               No, I didn't get the chance.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, well, I'm sure you can reach her...she's 
               a poet. What does a poet need an unlisted 
               number for?
 
               
               (Jerry gives George a surprised look. George looks back, puzzled.)
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               I'm going to the ladies room.

               
                             LENA
               I'll go with you. (They leave.)

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you looking at me like that 
               for?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why'd you have to mention 'unlisted 
               number'?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What are you talking about?

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I gotta tell you something, 
               but you cannot tell Susan.
 
               
               (George's interest is peaked.)

               
               George and Susan in the car on the way home.

               
                             SUSAN
               Jerry got her phone number off of an 
               AIDS walk list? Oh, that's awful!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I know, but don't say anything to anyone. 
               He told me not to tell you.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               But you told me anyway?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know, I was thinking about 
               what you said before, and...you're right, 
               I've never really been a couple, so...if 
               that's the rule, then I'm gonna go by 
               the rule.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Thank you, honey.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, you wanna go home and...make up, 
               officially?
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Can we stop by a drug store first?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What for?

               
                             SUSAN
               I'm out of birth control stuff.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, o.k., yeah. Where am I gonna park 
               here...? (Pulls over.)
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, don't park. I'll just sit in the 
               car, you can run in.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Me run in? Why don't you run in?

               
                             SUSAN
               You don't know what I use for birth 
               control, do you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Of course I do.

               
                             SUSAN
               You do? What?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know. You use the, uh...(mutters 
               something unintelligible under his breath.)
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               The what?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, the uh...(mutters it again.)
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Just get me some sponges, please.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait, wait a minute...they don't have 
               them anymore. I just found out, they 
               just took them off the market.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Off the market? The sponge?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, so you gotta use something else.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               I can't! I love the sponge! I need the 
               sponge!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               O.k....(thinks) I think I know where 
               we can get one.
 
               
               Jerry approaching his apartment door. He hears the sound of a 
               loud group of people from inside Kramer's place. He knocks on 
               Kramer's door. Kramer answers.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, what the hell is going on in 
               there?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It's a poker game...(yells to the crowd) 
               And I'm kickin' some serious butt!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Are you out of your mind? You got the 
               AIDS walk tomorrow!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you gotta be kiddin'! You see those 
               two ladies I got showin'? Do they look 
               scared?!
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're never gonna make it!

               
               (Kramer giggles and returns to the game.)

               
               
               
               Elaine and Billy in Elaine's apartment, kissing passionately 
               on the sofa.
 
               
                             BILLY
               You, uh...you wanna go in the bedroom?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               O.k. Hold on just a second. (Gets up 
               and heads to the bathroom. George knocks 
               at the door.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine? It's me, George. (Elaine opens 
               the door.) Hey, sorry to bother you 
               so late. (To Billy) Hey! How ya doin.' 
               (To Elaine) Uh, did you get any of those 
               sponges?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Cleaned out the whole west side. 
               Why?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well...Susan.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, Susan uses the sponge.

               
                             GEORGE
               Susan loves the sponge.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help 
               you out.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't do it. No way, there's no how. 
               (Tries to push George out the door. 
               George resists.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine...let me just explain something 
               to you. See, this is not just a weekend 
               routine...I'm on the verge of make-up 
               sex here. You know about make-up sex?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah, I know all about make-up sex, 
               and I'm really sorry. (Shoves George 
               into the hallway and closes the door. 
               George blocks the door with his foot.)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine, can I just explain something 
               to you very privately here? Susan and 
               I have been together many, many times 
               now, and just between you and me, there's 
               really no big surprises here, so...make-up 
               sex is all that I have left.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sure you'll have another fight, 
               George. (Stamps on George's foot and 
               closes the door.) (To Billy) Hold that 
               thought!
 
               
               (Elaine goes into the bathroom for a sponge, but then stops and 
               reconsiders.)
 
               
               
               
               Susan talking on the phone with Monica.

               
                             SUSAN
               So, listen to this. But don't tell anyone 
               - Jerry Seinfeld? He got a woman's number 
               off an AIDS walk list.
 
               
               (Cut to Monica at home talking on the phone with Susan.)

               
                             MONICA
               He got her number off an AIDS walk list?
 
               
               
               (Cut to Lena at home talking on the phone with Monica.)

               
                             LENA
               He what?

               
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               Jerry and Lena in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               How'd you find out?

               
                             LENA
               A friend of a friend of a friend of 
               Susan's.
 
               
                             JERRY
               George!

               
                             LENA
               Pardon?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing. Listen, I'm sorry, I just -
 
               
               
                             LENA
               It's o.k.! There's nothing to be sorry 
               about. I don't mind.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You don't mind that I got your number 
               off the AIDS walk list?
 
               
                             LENA
               No, not at all. No problem. (Jerry looks 
               at Lena suspiciously. Lena leaves with 
               all of Kramer's poker buddies, who are 
               filing out of Kramer's apartment.)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, you're lucky you're walkin' out 
               of here with a pair of pants on!
 
               
                             JERRY
               You went all night?

               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, ah? Breakfast on me, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, are you out of your mind? You 
               got the AIDS walk in like, three hours! 
               You're never gonna make it!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               AIDS walk! That's a cake walk. (George 
               enters.) Hey!
 
               
                             JERRY
               So, George, guess what? Lena found out 
               how I got her number.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? How'd she do that?

               
                             JERRY
               A friend of a friend of Susan's.

               
                             GEORGE
               My Susan?

               
                             JERRY
               Why'd you tell her?!

               
                             GEORGE
               Because, Jerry, it's a couple rule! 
               We have to tell each other everything!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well you know what this means, don't 
               you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

                             
               //tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 )

               
                             JERRY
               You're cut off, you're out of the loop!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry, 
               don't cut me off!
 
               
                             JERRY
               You leave me no choice! You're the media 
               now as far as I'm concerned!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               C'mon Jerry, please! It won't happen 
               again.
 
               
                             JERRY
               If you were in the mafia, would you 
               tell her every time you killed someone?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, a "hit" is a totally different 
               story.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, George.

               
                             GEORGE
               So, Lena was upset, huh?

               
                             JERRY
               You know what? That was the amazing 
               thing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What, it didn't bother her?

               
                             JERRY
               No, she said it was fine. There's something 
               very strange about this girl.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               She's too good.

               
                             GEORGE
               Too good...

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, she's giving and caring and 
               genuinely concerned about the welfare 
               of others - I can't be with someone 
               like that!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I see what you mean.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, I admire the hell out of her. 
               You can't have sex with someone you 
               admire.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Where's the depravity?

               
                             JERRY
               No depravity! I mean, I look at her, 
               I can't imagine she even has sex.
 
               
               
               (Elaine enters.)

               
                             JERRY
               On the other hand...

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Thanks again for last night!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, I didn't even use one.

               
                             JERRY
               I thought you said it was imminent.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't 
               decide if he was really sponge-worthy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Sponge-worthy?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these 
               sponges.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But you like this guy, isn't that what 
               the sponges are for?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, yes - before they went off the 
               market. I mean, now I've got to re-evaluate 
               my whole screening process. I can't 
               afford to waste any of 'em.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, you're nuts with these sponges. 
               George is gettin' frustrated!
 
               
               
               
               Kramer signing in at the AIDS walk.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, Cosmo Kramer?

               
                             ORGANIZER
               Uh...o.k., you're checked in. Here's 
               your AIDS ribbon.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, no thanks.

               
                             ORGANIZER
               You don't want to wear an AIDS ribbon?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
                             ORGANIZER
               But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I have to?

               
                             ORGANIZER
               Yes.

               
                             KRAMER
               See, that's why I don't want to.

               
                             ORGANIZER
               But everyone wears the ribbon. You must 
               wear the ribbon!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know what you are? You're a ribbon 
               bully. (Walks away.)
 
               
                             ORGANIZER
               Hey you! Come back here! Come back here 
               and put this on!
 
               
               
               
               George and Susan in a booth at the coffee shop.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine and her sponges...she's got like, 
               a war chest full of them.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Well, I don't see why you just can't 
               use condoms.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no, no...condoms are for single 
               men. The day that we got engaged, I 
               said goodbye to the condom forever.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Just once...for the make-up sex.

               
                             GEORGE
               Make-up sex? You have to have that right 
               after the fight, we're way past that.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Come on, just once?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no...I hate the condom.

               
                             SUSAN
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can never get the package open in 
               time.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Well, you just tear it open.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's not that easy. It's like "Beat 
               The Clock," there's a lot of pressure 
               there.
 
               
               
               
               Kramer in the AIDS walk.

               
                             WALKER #1
               Hey, where's your ribbon?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.

               
                             WALKER #2
               Oh, you don't wear the ribbon? Aren't 
               you against AIDS?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm 
               walking, aren't I? I just don't wear 
               the ribbon.
 
               
                             WALKER #3
               Who do you think you are?

               
                             WALKER #1
               Put the ribbon on!

               
                             WALKER #2
               Hey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear 
               a ribbon! (Cedric and Bob turn around 
               and glare at Kramer.)
 
               
                             BOB
               Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon? 
               (Kramer is frightened.)
 
               
               
               
               Elaine and Billy in her apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, you think you're sponge-worthy?
 
               
               
                             BILLY
               Yes, I think I'm sponge-worthy. I think 
               I'm very sponge-worthy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Run down your case for me again...?
 
               
               
                             BILLY
               Well, we've gone out several times, 
               we obviously have a good rapport. I 
               own a very profitable electronics distributing 
               firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood 
               tests - immaculate. And if I can speak 
               frankly, I'm actually quite good at 
               it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You going to do something about your 
               sideburns?
 
               
                             BILLY
               Yeah, I told you...I'm going to trim 
               my sideburns.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               And the bathroom in your apartment?
 
               
               
                             BILLY
               Cleaned it this morning.

               
                             ELAINE
               The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?
 
               
               
                             BILLY
               Everything, yeah. It's spotless.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, let's go. (They head for the 
               bedroom.)
 
               
               
               
               Jerry arrives at Lena's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             LENA
               Hi! Hey, look at this - I just got a 
               citation in the mail for my work with 
               shut-ins.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice. You know, 
               they're a very eccentric group. Because 
               they're shut in. Of course, they're 
               not locked in, they're free to go at 
               anytime.
 
               
                             LENA
               Oh, by the way, I checked at the soup 
               kitchen - they do have cream soups.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, that's dynamite. You know, Lena, 
               I wanted to talk to you about something...you 
               know, because you're such a good person 
               -
 
               
                             LENA
               Oh, hang onto that thought - I'm rinsing 
               a sweater, I left the water running. 
               (Goes into the bathroom.) Hey, Jerry, 
               can you get me a towel out of my bedroom 
               closet?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, o.k. (Goes to the closet for the 
               towel and finds dozens of boxes of Today 
               sponges.)
 
               
                             JERRY'S BRAIN
               Oh my god! Look what's goin' on here! 
               She is depraved! (Grabs a towel and 
               brings it to Lena.) There you are.
 
               
               
                             LENA
               Thanks. So, you were saying...?

               
                             JERRY
               What? Nothing.

               
                             LENA
               No, you said I was a good person...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh...

               
                             LENA
               You seem like you want to tell me something.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Tell you something...I do.

               
                             LENA
               What is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, uh...you see these jeans I'm wearing?
 
               
               
                             LENA
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               I change the 32 waist on the label to 
               a 31 on all my jeans. So, you know. 
               That's it. (Lena is puzzled.)
 
               
               
               
               George and Susan in bed. We see George's hands struggling to 
               open a condom wrapper.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Come on, George, just tear it open.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm trying, dammit.

               
                             SUSAN
               Tear it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I tried to tear it from the side, you 
               can't get a good grip here. You gotta 
               do it like a bag of chips.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Here give it to me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Would you wait a second? Just wait? 
               (They fight over it.)
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Give it to me. (She rips it open.) Come 
               on. Come on!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's too late.

               
               
               
               Kramer surrounded by Cedric, Bob, and the other walkers.

               
                             BOB
               So! What's it going to be? Are you going 
               to wear the ribbon?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No! Never.

               
                             BOB
               But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing 
               the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! 
               So why aren't you going to wear the 
               ribbon!?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               This is America! I don't have to wear 
               anything I don't want to wear!
 
               
                             CEDRIC
               What are we gonna do with him?

               
                             BOB
               I guess we are just going to have to 
               teach him to wear the ribbon!
 
               
               (Kramer tries to climb up a fire escape, but the mob grabs him 
               and pulls him back down. Kramer screams.)
 
               
               
               
               Jerry and George waiting for Kramer at the finish line.

               
                             JERRY
               It completely turned her off.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I can see that. What do you have 
               to do that for? Who cares about your 
               pants size?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't wanna be a 32.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'd kill to be a 32.

               
                             JERRY
               She said I wasn't sponge-worthy. Wouldn't 
               waste a sponge on me!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That condom killed me. Why do they have 
               to make the wrappers on those things 
               so hard to open?
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's probably so the woman has one last 
               chance to change her mind.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You never run out, do you? (Jerry smiles.) 
               Where's Kramer? Everything's finished 
               here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I told him he'd never make it. He 
               was up all night! Oh my god...Kramer?
 
               
               
               (They see Kramer staggering towards them with cuts and bruises, 
               clothes torn, one shoe off. He collapses and crawls across the 
               finish line.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Look at you. I told you. Up all night 
               playing poker. Come on. (Jerry and George 
               are about to leave. George turn's back 
               and looks at Kramer.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, where's you AIDS ribbon?

               
               (Kramer looks at George unbelievingly.)

               
               
               
               Elaine and Billy in bed the next morning.

               
                             ELAINE
               Good morning.

               
                             BILLY
               How'd you sleep?

               
                             ELAINE
               Great. You?

               
                             BILLY
               Fine, fine. Everything o.k.?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yep.

               
                             BILLY
               No regrets?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nope. (Billy leans in to kiss her.) 
               What are you doing?
 
               
                             BILLY
               What do you mean?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...I don't think so.

               
                             BILLY
               Why not? I thought you said everything 
               was fine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I wish I could help you, but I can't 
               afford two of 'em. (Pats Billy on the 
               shoulder and gets out of bed.)
 
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Sponge



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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