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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE STAKEOUT



                             Written by

                    Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld




 
               (Opening comedy)

               
                             JERRY
               So, I'm on line at the supermarket. 
               Two women in front of me. One of
 
               
               them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They 
               both
 
               
               of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture 
               to audience
 
               
               for response)

               
                             AUDIENCE
               Cheque

               
                             JERRY
               Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a 
               woman in front of you that's
 
               
               writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed 
               that
 
               
               women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out 
               so many
 
               
               cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't 
               know
 
               
               where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never 
               fumble for
 
               
               
               book from an imaginary holster) ``Who do I make it out to?... 
               There's my
 
               
               ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is 
               not masculine.
 
               
               I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque 
               is like a note
 
               
               from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll
 
               
               
               contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If 
               you
 
               
               just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have
 
               
               
               these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?''

               
               (End stand-up)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's that one?

               
                             ELAINE
               "Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they 
               didn't like it up there...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Maybe they came back for Chinese food. 
               Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if
 
               
               she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, 
               "I gotta have a Lo mein!"

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, what're we doing here? I have 
               seen *everything*.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... 
               this.
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, lovely...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah...

               
                             ELAINE
               What do you think their parents think?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               "So, uh, what's your son doing now, 
               Dr. Stevens?"
 
               
               "Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..."

               
                             ELAINE
               Y'know what? This would be a really 
               funny gift for Pamela's
 
               
               birthday.

               
                             JERRY
               Pamela? Do I know her?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, you met her when we were going 
               out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, right...

               
                             ELAINE
               You have *no* idea who I'm talking about, 
               do you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (quickly) No.

               
                             ELAINE
               Blonde hair remember? Glasses? (pause) 
               Have you *totally* blocked
 
               
               out the entire time we were a couple?

               
               
                             JERRY
               Riverside Drive.

               
                             ELAINE
               Right! In fact... No, never mind...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what is it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, a bunch of people are getting 
               together tomorrow night at some
 
               
               bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that... 
               no.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second, wait a second. We could 
               work out a little deal here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What little deal?

               
                             JERRY
               I will go to that, if you go with me 
               to a little family wedding I
 
               
               have on Saturday.

               
                             ELAINE
               A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Y'know, my parents are coming in for 
               this...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               They're coming in?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, tomorrow.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, did your father ever get that hair 
               weave?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* 
               across.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why does he do that?

               
                             JERRY
               Doesn't think anyone can tell?

               
                             JERRY
               So c'mon, do we have a deal?

               
                             ELAINE
               A *wedding*?

               
                             JERRY
               There's a lot of people to mock...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, what the Hell.

               
                             JERRY
               Great!

               
                             WOMAN
               When you're dead, you're dead. That's 
               it. You're not goin'
 
               
               anywhere...

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               C'mon lets go, c'mon...

               
                             JERRY
               Was I supposed to bring something?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You could have.

               
                             JERRY
               I met her *one* time...

               
                             ELAINE
               It is not necessary.

               
                             JERRY
               What did you say then?

               
                             ELAINE
               Sssshhhhhh!!!

               
                             PAMELA
               Hi

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry.

               
                             PAMELA
               Yes, we met.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, happy birthday.

               
                             PAMELA
               Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.
 
               
               
                             GUESTS
               Hi

               
                             JERRY
               I didn't bring anything.

               
                             PAMELA
               Ahh, I put you two right here.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm 
               sorry, I didn't know what
 
               
               to bring, nobody told me.

               
               
               
               
               
                             VANESSA
               How big a tip do you think it'd take 
               to get him to stop?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm in for five...

               
                             VANESSA
               I'll supply the hat.

               
                             JERRY
               (To himself) Uh-oh... What do we have 
               here...
 
               
                             VANESSA
               Why don't you relax and take your jacket 
               off?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get 
               chilly.
 
               
                             VANESSA
               How masculine...

               
                             JERRY
               Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't 
               want to expose my tattoos.
 
               
               (To himself) She's unbelievable!

               
               
               
                             ROGER
               (To Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows 
               Bricker...
 
               
                             VANESSA
               Oh, you know Bricker! From where?

               
               
                             JERRY
               (To himself) What's going on here? Gotta 
               be her boyfriend, she's
 
               
               too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver
 
               
               
               anyway with Elaine next to me...

               
                             VANESSA
               (To Jerry) How do you know Pamela?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Friend of a friend. And you?

               
                             VANESSA
               We went to law school together.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               (To himself) Oh no, not *now*...

               
                             ELAINE
               I had this dream last night and you 
               were in it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh really... (To himself) Oh God, I 
               gotta get out of this...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You were you, but, you weren't you...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No kidding... (To himself) Why is this 
               happening? Please, make
 
               
               her stop!

               
                             ELAINE
               I think, I think we were in my house 
               where I grew up, and you were
 
               
               standing there, you were looking out the window--

               
                             JERRY
               (To himself) This is *brutal*...

               
                             ELAINE
               You turned around and you had these 
               wooden teeth...
 
               
                             JERRY
               How do you like that... (To himself) 
               Can I turn now? Is this
 
               
               over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck...

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry? Are you listening to me?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I *heard* you.

               
                             PAMELA
               Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry 
               store you took me to that
 
               
               time?

               
                             JERRY
               (To himself) Thank *you*, Pamela!

               
                             JERRY
               (To Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer...
 
               
               
                             VANESSA
               Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and 
               Taft.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet, 
               Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
 
               
               Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft...

               
               (To Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!
 
               
               
                             VANESSA
               Oh, that was you!

               
                             JERRY
               Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's...
 
               
               
                             VANESSA
               Very funny! What do you do?

               
                             JERRY
               Comedian.

               
                             VANESSA
               Really... That explains it...

               
                             JERRY
               (To himself, quickly) Sagman, Bennet, 
               Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
 
               
               Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.

               
                             ROGER
               Are you ready?

               
                             VANESSA
               We gotta run. Happy birthday!

               
               
                             JERRY
               (To himself) I can't believe it-- I 
               got *nothing*! I don't even
 
               
               know her name!

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               (To himself, *very* quickly) Sagman, 
               Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and
 
               
               Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               That wasn't so bad, really...

               
                             ELAINE
               Y'know, uh, you could use a little work 
               on your manners.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why? What did I do?

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I just don't appreciate these 
               little "courtesy responses",
 
               
               like I'm selling you aluminum siding.

               
                             JERRY
               I was listening!

               
                             ELAINE
               No! You couldn't wait to get back to 
               your little... "conversation".
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, you were talking about the, the 
               um, the dream you had.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh-huh...

               
               
                             JERRY
               Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               No! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You* 
               had wooden teeth! *I*
 
               
               didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so 
               what?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So nothing... Nothing...

               
               
                             JERRY
               Apparently Plato, who came up with the 
               concept of the platonic
 
               
               relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after
 
               
               
               himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic". My
 
               
               
               idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go 
               *out*
 
               
               with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and 
               go
 
               
               right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!''
 
               
               
               I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get
 
               
               
               relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I 
               bet
 
               
               
               Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a

               
               *"Riconic"* relationship...''

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey!

               
                             MORTY
               Ah, there he is!

               
                             JERRY
               This is what I like, see? You come home 
               and your parents are in your
 
               
               bed!

               
                             HELEN
               Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What are you talkin' about? It's fine, 
               I love having you here...
 
               
                             HELEN
               Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel.

               
                             JERRY
               Ma, will you stop?

               
                             HELEN
               No, why should we take over your apartment?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't care-- I'm sleeping next door.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?

               
                             JERRY
               No, he's making a bouillabaisse.

               
                             JERRY
               So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How 
               many people work at these big
 
               
               law offices?

               
                             MORTY
               Depends on the firm.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but if you called up and described 
               someone, do you think they
 
               
               would know who it was?

               
                             MORTY
               What's the matter? You need a lawyer?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I met someone at this party, and 
               I know where she works, but I
 
               
               don't know her name.

               
                             MORTY
               So why don't you ask someone who was 
               at the party?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, 
               and I can't ask her.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               Because it's complicated-- there's some 
               tension there.
 
               
                             HELEN
               He used to go with her...

               
                             HELEN
               Which one is she?

               
                             MORTY
               From Maryland. The one who brought you 
               the chocolate covered
 
               
               cherries you didn't like.

               
                             MORTY
               Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah, she's great.

               
                             HELEN
               So, how come nothing materialized there?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... 
               I dunno...
 
               
                             HELEN
               I know what it was...

               
                             JERRY
               You don't know what it was...

               
                             HELEN
               So, what was it?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, we fight a lot for some reason...
 
               
               
               
               
                             H + M
               Oh, well...

               
                             JERRY
               And there was a little problem with 
               the physical chemistry...
 
               
               
               
                             HELEN
               Well, I think she's a very attractive 
               girl.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, she is, she absolutely is.

               
                             HELEN
               I can see if there was a *weight* problem...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided.
 
               
               
               
                             HELEN
               You know, you can't be so particular. 
               Nobody's perfect.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know, I know...

               
                             MORTY
               Y'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't 
               so particular.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Idiot... (To Jerry) So who're you looking 
               for, Sophia Loren?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's got *nothin'* to do with it.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               How about Loni Anderson?

               
                             HELEN
               Where do you get Loni Anderson?

               
                             MORTY
               Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               I like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson...
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               What are you two talking about? Look, 
               Elaine just wasn't "the one".
 
               
                             HELEN
               And this other one's "the one"?

               
                             JERRY
               I dunno, maybe...

               
                             MORTY
               So ask Elaine there for the number.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I can't-- she'll get upset. I never 
               talk about other women with her,
 
               
               especially this one tonight.

               
                             HELEN
               How could you still see her if your 
               not interested?
 
               
                             JERRY
               We're *friends*.

               
                             MORTY
               Doesn't sound like you're friends to 
               me. If you were friends you'd
 
               
               ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh yeah...

               
               
                             MORTY
               Well, go up to the office.

               
                             HELEN
               Up to her office?

               
                             MORTY
               Go to the building. She goes out to 
               lunch, doesn't she?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I guess...

               
                             MORTY
               So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, 
               and wait for her to
 
               
               come down for lunch.

               
                             JERRY
               You mean "stakeout" the lobby?

               
                             HELEN
               Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine 
               for the number!
 
               
                             MORTY
               He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the 
               number.
 
               
                             HELEN
               So you've got him standing by the elevator 
               like a *dope*! What
 
               
               happens when he sees her?

               
                             MORTY
               He pretends he *bumped* into her!

               
                             JERRY
               Y'know what? This is *not* that *bad* 
               an idea...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What does she look like?

               
                             JERRY
               I dunno. Hard to say.

               
                             GEORGE
               What actress does she remind you of?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Loni Anderson.

               
                             GEORGE
               Loni Anderson?!

               
                             JERRY
               What, there's something wrong with Loni 
               Anderson?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey listen, thanks again for running 
               over here. I appreciate it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 
               48th st. Besides, you think
 
               
               I wanna miss this?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm a little nervous.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, me too...

               
                             JERRY
               If I see her, what do I say that I'm 
               doing here in the building?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You came to see me; I work in the building.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What do you do?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm an *architect*.

               
                             JERRY
               You're an *architect*?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't see architecture comin from 
               you...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I suppose *you* could be an architect...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I never said that I was the architect. 
               Just somethin' else...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, she's not even gonna ask, if 
               we *see* her, which is remote.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well what'dya want me to say, that I 
               just wandered in here?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               We're having lunch with a friend-- he 
               works in the building.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is *his* name?

               
                             GEORGE
               Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No good? Alright, how about Art... Corr.....
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Art Corr...

               
                             GEORGE
               ...velay...

               
                             JERRY
               Corvelay?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, right.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what does *he* do?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's an importer.

               
                             JERRY
               Just imports, no exports?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's an importer/exporter, okay?

               
                             GEORGE
               Say, did Elaine ever call you back?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I guess she's still mad.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't understand, you never talk to 
               her about other women?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Never.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second... That's her... on the 
               right.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I forgot who I am! Who am I?!

               
                             JERRY
               You're you. We're having lunch with 
               Art Corvelay.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Vandelay!

               
                             JERRY
               Corvelay!

               
                             GEORGE
               Let me be the architect, I can do it!
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, hey... Pamela's birthday party, 
               didn't I see you there...
 
               
               Jerry.

               
                             VANESSA
               Sure! Hi!

               
                             JERRY
               This is George. ("Grasps" for her name) 
               I'm sorry...
 
               
                             VANESSA
               Vanessa.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nice to meet you.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim 
               and Taft.
 
               
                             VANESSA
               That's right! What're you doing here?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for 
               lunch. He works here in the
 
               
               building.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, Art *Vandelay*.

               
                             VANESSA
               Really? Which company?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. He's an importer.

               
                             VANESSA
               Importer?

               
                             GEORGE
               ...And exporter.

               
                             JERRY
               He's an importer/exporter.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm, uh, I'm an architect.

               
                             VANESSA
               Really. What do you design?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, railroads, uh...

               
                             VANESSA
               I thought engineers do that.

               
                             GEORGE
               They can...

               
                             JERRY
               Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so 
               early the other night.
 
               
                             VANESSA
               Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back 
               to Boston.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, that guy was your *cousin*!

               
                             VANESSA
               Yeah, and that woman was your--

               
                             JERRY
               Friend!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll just, uh, get a paper...

               
                             JERRY
               So, um, do you date immature men?

               
                             VANESSA
               Almost exclusively...

               
               
               
               
               
               
               
                             HELEN
               Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... 
               Bum bum bum bum...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ma, will you go already?

               
                             HELEN
               Bum bum bum bum...

               
               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing?!

               
                             HELEN
               Wait, I just want to see something...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You can't look in there, we're playing!
 
               
               
               
                             MORTY
               Evening, Mr. Kramer!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey Morty! (To Jerry) Salad dressing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look.

               
                             HELEN
               "Quo"? Is that a word?

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe!

               
                             HELEN
               Will you challenge it?

               
                             JERRY
               Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary! 
               Dad, she's cheating!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               "Quo"? That's not a word.

               
                             HELEN
               (To Jerry) You're such a stickler...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well put *something* down, you're taking 
               twenty minutes on this.
 
               
               So is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before 
               the
 
               
               wedding?

               
                             HELEN
               They'll be here at two o'clock... Oh, 
               Elaine called. She said
 
               
                             SHE'D BE HERE AT 2
               30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting 
               went
 
               
               well with Art... "Vandelay"?''

               
                             JERRY
               She said *what*?

               
                             HELEN
               Just what I said, here.

               
               
                             JERRY
               She knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*...
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               She knows what?

               
                             JERRY
               She knows the whole stupid thing... 
               Vanessa and the elevator...
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               No, no, no, that won't do. He may have 
               a "Z"...
 
               
                             MORTY
               So, how did she find out?

               
                             JERRY
               Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, 
               and Pamela probably told
 
               
               Elaine.

               
               
               
               
                             MORTY
               So, what are you? Afraid of her?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes. *Yes* *I* *am*!

               
                             JERRY
               What else did she say on the phone?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Whatever I wrote down.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? 
               How did she sound?
 
               
                             HELEN
               Who am I, Rich Little?

               
                             MORTY
               Well, she can't be too mad-- she's still 
               coming to the wedding.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but now I'm nervous.

               
                             HELEN
               Oh, stop it.

               
               
                             JERRY
               "Quone"?

               
                             HELEN
               ...30...31...

               
                             JERRY
               "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going 
               to have to challenge that.
 
               
                             HELEN
               ...32...

               
                             KRAMER
               No, you don't have to challenge that. 
               That's a word. That's a
 
               
               *definite* word.

               
                             JERRY
               I am challenging...

               
                             KRAMER
               Quone: to quone something.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh-huh...

               
                             HELEN
               I'm not playing with you anymore...
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Quone's not a word...

               
                             JERRY
               No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it 
               off...
 
               
                             HELEN
               Why did you make me put that down?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Nah, we need a *medical* dictionary! 
               If a patient gets difficult,
 
               
               you *quone* him...

               
               
               
               
                             CAROL
               You want some funny material, you oughta 
               come down to where I work,
 
               
               now that's a sitcom!

               
                             JERRY
               You must have quite a time down there. 
               (Checks his watch)
 
               
                             CAROL
               We got plenty of time...

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for 
               someone...
 
               
                             MAC
               Watch what you say to this guy-- he'll 
               put it in his next act!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah...

               
                             MAC
               Jerry, did I tell you that I'm writing 
               a book? An autobiography.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it...
 
               
               
                             MAC
               It's based on all my experiences!

               
                             JERRY
               That's perfect. (Elaine enters) Could 
               you excuse me one second.
 
               
               I'm sorry.

               
               
                             JERRY
               How do you do, Jerry Seinfeld.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, how do you do. Elaine Benes.

               
                             JERRY
               Um, do you want to do this now, or do 
               you want to wait until we get
 
               
               in the car?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh no, let's do it now.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, the whole elevator business, 
               let me just explain--
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay...

               
                             ARTIE
               Jerry, were you goin' with us?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I'm gonna take my car.

               
                             ARTIE
               That's why I brought the wagon. Why 
               the Hell did I bring the wagon?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you, 
               I mean I felt so
 
               
               uncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with 
               anyone before. It was
 
               
               quite the spectacle.

               
                             CAROL
               Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, bye. Good to see you.

               
                             ARTIE
               Oh, we didn't meet.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin 
               Artie Levine.
 
               
               
                             ARTIE
               Le*vine*.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, "Le*vine*". And I'm Jerry Cougar 
               Mellencamp... Anyway, I
 
               
               admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean,
 
               
               
               obviously we have a little problem here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, obviously.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, if we're gonna be friends, we 
               gotta be able to talk about
 
               
               other people...

               
                             ELAINE
               Couldn't agree more.

               
                             JERRY
               Good.

               
                             ELAINE
               Good.

               
                             JERRY
               Good.

               
                             ELAINE
               Great!

               
                             JERRY
               Great? Where do you get "great"?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's great to... talk about... other 
               people...
 
               
                             JERRY
               ...Guys.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh-huh... Yeah... So, anybody specific?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No. A general guy.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What? No, it's not a big deal.

               
                             JERRY
               No, that's great! That's terrific!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, we just met...

               
                             JERRY
               Doesn't matter. What's the young man's 
               name? I would like to
 
               
               meet him.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't think so...

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, 
               a craftsman, a labourer
 
               
               of some sort?

               
                             ELAINE
               Wall street.

               
                             JERRY
               Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears... 
               people from Conneticut.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               And he happens to be pretty good lookin'
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (pause) Alright, sir.

               
                             ELAINE
               And... he's *hilarious*.

               
                             JERRY
               Now that's not fair! So where did you 
               meet this guy?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I "staked" out his health club.

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               When you're on a stakeout, do you find 
               it's better to stand up
 
               
               against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?...
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               Y'know I think that even if you've had 
               a relationship with someone,
 
               
               or let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with 
               someone
 
               
               and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult.
 
               
               
               Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, 
               you
               
               know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying 
               to entertain each other.

               
               The one goes, "Look, a rabbit."

               
               The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card."

               
               "Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a 
               night? Okay?"

               
               
                             THE END



The Stakeout



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld
Genres :   Comedy


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