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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE STAND-IN



                             Written by

                             Larry David




 
               
               
               (Comedy Club)

               
                             JERRY
               The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, 
               slowest, most despised vehicle on the 
               road. Isn't it? You ever notice when 
               you get behind the bus, people in your 
               car go 'what are you doing? get away, 
               come on.' The back of the bus is like 
               an eclipse isn't it? people are just 
               like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's 
               like this huge metal ass taking up the 
               whole wind shield of your car. When 
               it pulls out it even sounds like a fat 
               uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts 
               like he is trying to get out of a car 
               and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting 
               to get going)
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry and George on a Bus)

               
                             GEORGE
               It's just not good, it's not good.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's not good.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, 
               we're both boring. We got out to eat, 
               we both read newspapers.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well at breakfast everybody reads.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No. Lunch we read, dinner we read.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You read during lunch?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ya

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, well.

               
                             GEORGE
               There's nothing to talk about.

               
                             JERRY
               Ya, what's there to talk about.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well at least you and I are talking 
               about how there's nothing to talk about.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you talk to her about how 
               there's nothing to talk about?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She knows there is nothing to talk about.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               At least you'll be talking.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh shut up.

               
               (Al comes onto the bus)

               
                             AL
               Hey, look who's here.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Al.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Al. How's it going?

               
                             AL
               (extremely happy) Deeply in love. We 
               have soo many things to talk about. 
               Sometimes we'll talk all night, till 
               the sun comes up (pauses in his happiness; 
               to George) so how about you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know 
               her, Daphne Bower.
 
               
                             AL
               Great girl.

               
                             GEORGE
               We have no need to speak. We communicate 
               with deep soulful looks.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.

               
                             AL
               (to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ya.

               
                             AL
               I went by the hospital to see him a 
               few days ago (looking at Jerry) think 
               he'd really like you to come visit.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Me?

               
                             AL
               Ya, he said he could use a good laugh.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What about me?

               
                             AL
               (to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks 
               toward the front of the bus) This is 
               my stop. Uh see ya.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ya

               
                             JERRY
               Ya, see ya.

               
               (Al leaves)

               
                             GEORGE
               Deeply in love. If you can't say anything 
               bad about a relationship, you shouldn't 
               say anything at all.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (points to George) Ya.

               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry and George enter the apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't even know Fulton was in the 
               hospital.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Could use a good laugh. You know what 
               kind of pressure that is? Come on, come 
               with me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Na no, I'm not good in these situations. 
               I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel 
               worse.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, stop it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ya and also I'm afraid that people in 
               that state are finally going to tell 
               me what they really think of me. You 
               know they got nothing to lose what do 
               they care?
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you're not gonna come?

               
                             GEORGE
               No but say hello for me.

               
               (Kramer and Mickey enter)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey! Hey Mick.

               
                             MICKEY
               Hey Jerry.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's doing?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothing, what's doing with you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Same old, same old.

               
                             JERRY
               George this is Mickey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi, nice to meet you.

               
               (George and Mickey shake hands)

               
                             MICKEY
               Pleasure.

               
                             JERRY
               How's work going you guys?

               
                             MICKEY
               Lets not even talk about it.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Kramer) You got a job?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ya, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins 
               for the actors on 'All My Children.' 
               Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight 
               year old kid and I stand in for the 
               kids father.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               (to Jerry then both Jerry and George) 
               But I got a big problem. The kid I stand 
               in for, he's growing. He was four feet 
               last month, now he's like four-two and 
               a half. He shot up two and a half inches. 
               I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, 
               any higher than that and I'm gonna be 
               out on my ass doing that paralegal crap.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How do you stop a kid from growing?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer 
               him some cigarettes.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               I offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry 
               and George) but his stupid mother is 
               hanging around. She won't let him have 
               any.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (to Mickey) What about lifts?

               
                             MICKEY
               (to Kramer) Out of the question.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Mickey) Can't you just switch with 
               another Midget?
 
               
               (Mickey grabs the counter with rage on his face, Jerry does a 
               form of gulp)
 
               
                             MICKEY
               (turns and moves up to George, points 
               his finger at him) It's little people, 
               you got that?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Easy Mickey, easy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yap..

               
                             KRAMER
               All right we gotta get back to the show. 
               What are you guys doing?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm going to the hospital, to visit 
               Fulton.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (on his way to the door) Oh, oh well 
               say hello for me.
 
               
               (Kramer and Mickey leave Jerry's apartment and enter the hallway)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Now look, we're going to stop at the 
               shoe maker right now. You gotta get 
               some lifts for your shoes.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               Lifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, 
               this kind of thing is just not done.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You wanna keep your job don't you?
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               Ya but..

               
               (Kramer interrupts him)

               
                             KRAMER
               YAH! No Buts

               
                             MICKEY
               Kramer

               
               (Kramer interrupts again)

               
                             KRAMER
               (with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!
 
               
               
               
               
               
               (Fulton's Hospital Room)

               
               (Fulton lying in the Hospital Bed, Jerry Enters)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me.

               
                             FULTON
               Hey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really 
               use a good laugh.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who couldn't.

               
                             FULTON
               I haven't cracked a smile in months.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's 
               inevitable, first you crack then you 
               chuckle. That was the motto with the 
               Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... 
               first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton 
               looks at him not amused) You know because 
               Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it 
               wasn't a very happy time... because 
               of the war, famine, plus it was cold, 
               very cold... they were eating each other. 
               (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton 
               not finding anything Jerry is saying 
               funny) Maybe this isn't a good time 
               for a visit.
 
               
                             FULTON
               It's a fine time.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, all right ah well... There's a priest, 
               a minister and a rabbi, and they're 
               all staring at him....
 
               
               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (George and Daphne sitting in a booth reading the paper)

               
                             GEORGE
               (sets down his paper) So how were the 
               eggs?
 
               
                             DAPHNE
               Eggs are eggs.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Not amused with her answer) Eggs are 
               eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; 
               Daphne goes back to reading her paper) 
               By the same token you could say fish 
               is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. 
               (pauses) Listen Daphne
 
               
                             DAPHNE
               (correcting George) Daphne.

               
                             GEORGE
               Daphne. I have to tell you something, 
               this is very difficult...
 
               
                             DAPHNE
               (interrupts and hurriedly puts down 
               her paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you. 
               Al Netchie called me today.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ya, ya. I bumped into him on the bus. 
               What did he have to say?
 
               
                             DAPHNE
               He told me not to get involved with 
               you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             DAPHNE
               Ya, he said you could never make a commitment 
               to any one and you'd just wind up (reaches 
               out and lightly slaps George's hand) 
               hurting me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He said that? (Daphne shacks her head) 
               What a nerve. How dare he say something 
               like that.
 
               
                             DAPHNE
               Is it true?

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course not. I mean sure, there may 
               have been one or two occasions in the 
               past, when I may have reacted in uh 
               impulsive or somewhat immature manner, 
               but those days are well behind me.
 
               
               
               
               
               (ABC Studios)

               
               (All My Children Set)

               
                             SON
               How long are you going to be away for 
               Daddy?
 
               
                             FATHER
               I'm not really going away, I told you, 
               I'll be back every other weekend.
 
               
               
                             SON
               Don't go Daddy, don't go.

               
                             FATHER
               Now Porter, you know your mother and 
               I love you very much, but sometimes 
               people fall out of love. Now give me 
               a big hug.
 
               
                             DIRECTOR
               (walks into the scene) ...and there's 
               your scene. Stand-ins
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yo

               
                             STAGE HAND
               All right you guys get on their spots 
               so we can fix the lights.
 
               
               (Mickey and Kramer walk onto the set and get into positions)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (taps the Father on the shoulder) That's 
               good work.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               (quickly with no acting) How long you 
               going to be away for Daddy?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (trying to act like the guy playing 
               the Father) I'm not really going away, 
               I told you I'd be back every other weekend.
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               (tugs on Kramer's coat) Don't go Daddy, 
               don't...go.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Now listen Porter, you know your mother 
               and I love you very much. But sometimes 
               people fall out of love. Now give me 
               a big hug.
 
               
               (Kramer and Mickey go to hug and Kramer's pipe hits Mickey in 
               the face)
 
               
                             MICKEY
               Ah! (pauses for the hug) all right (Kramer 
               still holding on) all right! Kramer! 
               (pushes Kramer off him)
 
               
                             DIRECTOR
               Ok everybody that's lunch... one hour.
 
               
               
               (The director pauses and looks at Mickey as if something is different)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               How do those lifts feel?

               
                             MICKEY
               Quiet.

               
                             TAMMY
               Hi guys.

               
                             MICKEY
               Hey Tammy.

               
                             TAMMY
               Hey, you look different. Have you been 
               working out?
 
               
                             MICKEY
               (looks at Kramer) Not that I know of.
 
               
               
                             TAMMY
               Well whatever it is you're doing, keep 
               doing it you look great.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               How about lunch?

               
                             TAMMY
               OH I can't today, but um I see it our 
               future. (starts to leave) See ya Kramer.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ya.

               
                             TAMMY
               Bye Mickey

               
                             KRAMER
               Ooo she likes you buddy (they to a high 
               five hand shake)
 
               
                             KRAMER & MICKEY
               Ya!

               
                             MICKEY
               All of a sudden.

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JOHNNY
               Hey Mick.

               
                             MICKEY
               How you doin' Johnny?

               
                             JOHNNY
               What gives...what's going on? Goin' 
               out with Tammy?
 
               
                             MICKEY
               Maybe. What's it to you?

               
                             JOHNNY
               Somethin' different about you.

               
                             MICKEY
               I got my hair cut that's all (turns 
               to look at Kramer)
 
               
                             JOHNNY
               Nah, that's not it. Something else... 
               Ya you look different.
 
               
               (Kramer starts eating a sandwich)

               
                             MICKEY
               You don't, you got the same ugly mug 
               since the day I met ya.
 
               
                             JOHNNY
               I don't know what it is, but I'll find 
               out. (walking away) I'll find out.
 
               
               
               (Kramer and Mickey look at each other, Mickey makes a pointing 
               motion as if to reference the conversation with Johnny, Kramer 
               shakes his head no.)
 
               
               
               (Back to Jerry with Fulton)

               
                             JERRY
               ..so uh she's just sitting there and 
               a uh Pachyderm, you remember the derm. 
               He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. 
               So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces 
               of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the 
               uh and then they're steaming hot and 
               they're burning his hands see so he... 
               he's juggling em (does juggling motions) 
               he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up 
               in the air and just as he gets up to 
               her down they go. (Swallows and takes 
               a breath) Well we all just lost it. 
               (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It 
               was really, really, funny.
 
               
               (Phil Enters)

               
                             PHIL
               Hey Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Phil how you doing?

               
                             PHIL
               You look terrific.

               
                             JERRY
               I got my health.

               
                             PHIL
               Well, that's the most important thing. 
               (to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton! 
               Octane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks 
               at him still stone faced and not amused. 
               To Jerry) How's he doing?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (wiping his brow) He could use a couple 
               laughs.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Jerry and Elaine)

               
                             ELAINE
               You should have told that story about 
               Pachyderm dropping the pizza.
 
               
               (Buzzer)

               
                             JERRY
               I told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (on the speaker) Ya

               
                             JERRY
               Ya. (hits the button, opens the door. 
               To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was 
               leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He 
               is one of the greatest guys.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Do I know him?

               
                             JERRY
               No, but I'll tell you something. Of 
               all the guys I know, I could envision 
               you going out with him.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               If you were a woman would you go out 
               with him?
 
               
                             JERRY
               If I was a woman I'd be down at the 
               dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (laughs) Ya, I bet you would. all right, 
               give him my number.
 
               
                             JERRY
               all right.

               
               (George Enters)

               
                             GEORGE
               This you are not going to believe. Al 
               Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, 
               not get this 'Not to get involved with 
               me.'
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ya. That's what she told me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because he's afraid she's gonna get 
               hurt.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Is she?

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course.

               
                             ELAINE
               So?

               
                             GEORGE
               Wa.. He doesn't have to tell her.

               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe he likes her.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no no no. He's deeply in love, and 
               I was just about to break up with her 
               when she told me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what are you gonna do?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I can't break up with her now.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because he said I was going to.

               
                             ELAINE
               So now you're going to keep going out 
               with her, for spite?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, I am.

               
                             JERRY
               Ya, I could see that.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't see any way around it.

               
                             JERRY
               No, me either.

               
                             GEORGE
               What choice do I have?

               
                             JERRY
               None.

               
               
               
               
               (ABC Studio Locker Room)

               
               (Mickey walks in to discover his Locker is open and that his 
               lifts where in there)
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Jerry and Kramer)

               
                             JERRY
               Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. 
               She said since my visit he's taken a 
               turn for the worse.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Did you tell him the Pachyderm story?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (yelling) Yes I told him the Pachyderm 
               story!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Maybe I outta go over there.

               
                             JERRY
               Towards what end?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm very good with sick people. They 
               love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo 
               had the gout, I moved into his hospital 
               room for three days, the doctors were 
               amazed at his recovery.
 
               
               (Knocking on the Door)

               
               (Jerry and Kramer walk over to it, Kramer opens it to reveal 
               Mickey)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey Mick.

               
                             MICKEY
               (to Kramer) Johnny Vigiano went through 
               my locker.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               YAOH!

               
                             MICKEY
               (slamming the door) That little Bastard! 
               He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows 
               I'm heightening. (to Kramer) This never 
               would have happened if you hadn't pushed 
               me to get those things. I told you.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, nobody put a gun to your head.
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               Ya well just keep out of my business 
               you big ape. (pushes Kramer)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Who you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey 
               back)
 
               
                             MICKEY
               You (grabs Kramer)

               
               (Mickey and Kramer begin a struggle)

               
                             JERRY
               (starts pulling them apart) All right 
               break it up, break it up. Come on, just 
               cut it out now (Kramer yells)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (pacing back and forth) Ya.

               
               JERRY; Behave yourselves.

               
                             MICKEY
               I'm sorry Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               No no it's all right, it's all right. 
               You're stressed Oout!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny 
               have it in for you?
 
               
                             MICKEY
               Oh, he's always been jealous of me. 
               I always get to stand in for the bigger 
               stars; The Cosby Kids, Ricky Schroder, 
               Macaulay Culkin.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (whistles) What's he like huh?

               
                             MICKEY
               He's a good kid.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ya?

               
                             JERRY
               So what does he care if you put lifts 
               in?
 
               
                             MICKEY
               You don't understand. There's an unwritten 
               code about this kind of thing. I could 
               be ostracized. I remember when I was 
               a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He 
               lost his job, lost his friends, Everything. 
               Oh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind 
               of thing, but I was so desperate. (pauses 
               laying on the couch; jumps up) What 
               is this kid taking anyway? Hormones? 
               Steroids? Would you tell me!?
 
               
               
               
               (George's car outside Daphne's place)

               
                             DAPHNE
               George, tomorrow's Sunday. We could 
               sleep late, and get the paper and half 
               breakfast and spend the morning together, 
               go for a long walk, maybe do a little 
               shopping, have lunch...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (interrupts her) You know what. I don't 
               think I'm going to be able to stay over 
               tonight.
 
               
                             DAPHNE
               Why not?

               
                             GEORGE
               I, I really should go home. Ya.. actually 
               I'm planning on spending the day with 
               my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're 
               uh we're going to a father-son picnic, 
               just the two of us.
 
               
                             DAPHNE
               I thought we were going to spend the 
               day together.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well Dad's been planning this for such 
               a long time, he bought a new blanket, 
               and he got tha...that game with foam 
               paddles and the Velcro ball. (laughs)
 
               
               
                             DAPHNE
               Have you given any more thought to what 
               we talked about? You know, moving in?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, oh yes very much.

               
                             DAPHNE
               Maybe you don't want to move in.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no I do. You know it's just...
 
               
               
                             DAPHNE
               (interrupting him) Maybe Al Netchie 
               was right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten 
               involved with you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (angry that she believes Al was right) 
               No he's not right. Al Netchie is not 
               right! all right I'm canceling the father-son 
               picnic. I don't know what he's gonna 
               do with all that potato salad.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Elaine and Phil in Phil's car outside Elaine's Apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               (Phil cracking up) So then Pachyderm 
               picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind 
               you know they are burning hot.. he can 
               barely hold 'em. I mean he's like trying 
               to juggle (does a juggling motion and 
               begins laughing) the pizza, you know 
               ah. And then they go flying out of...
 
               
               
                             PHIL
               (dying of laughter) I'm peeing in my 
               pants.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (cont.) they go flying out of his hands, 
               and one lands on her face and the other 
               lands on his face. (pause as they both 
               continue to laugh really hard) and the 
               whole place went crazy.
 
               
                             PHIL
               Oh, I'm sorry, Oh. What a story.

               
                             ELAINE
               I know, I know, I was unbelievable
 
               
               
               (laughter dying)

               
                             PHIL
               Oh that is one of the funniest stories 
               I've ever heard.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (wipes her eyes because she laughed 
               so hard she cried) I know.
 
               
                             PHIL
               Well this has been one hell of a night.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this 
               sooner.
 
               
                             PHIL
               You know, you really are beautiful Elaine.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well, (pauses) Good night.

               
                             PHIL
               Good night?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks 
               down at his pants with a awkward look 
               on her face)
 
               
               
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               (Jerry sitting on a stool on the phone)

               
                             JERRY
               (on phone) Come on Adrian give me another 
               chance, I know I could cheer Fulton 
               up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act 
               (pauses for response from Adrian) No 
               new material (Elaine enters) He's never 
               heard it. He'll love it, I just did 
               it at the Concord last week. It killed. 
               (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response 
               from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. 
               you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs 
               up phone; to Elaine) Hey.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Come on. How was your date?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, the date. The date.

               
                             JERRY
               Ya how was it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Interesting.

               
                             JERRY
               Really.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh ya.

               
                             JERRY
               Why what happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               Let's see, (thinking) how shall I put 
               this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Just put it.

               
                             ELAINE
               He took it out.

               
                             JERRY
               (confused) He what?

               
                             ELAINE
               He took (blows on her glasses twice 
               to clean them) it out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He took what out?

               
                             ELAINE
               It.

               
                             JERRY
               He took It, Out?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yessiree Bob.

               
                             JERRY
               He couldn't.

               
                             ELAINE
               He did.

               
                             JERRY
               (motions of making out) Well you were 
               involved in some sort of amorous...
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Noooo.

               
                             JERRY
               You mean he just

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you sure?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh quite.

               
                             JERRY
               There was no mistaking it?

               
                             ELAINE
               (looks straight into his eyes) Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you were talking, (Elaine makes an 
               agreement sound "mmm") you're having 
               pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes 
               an agreement sound "mmm") then all of 
               sudden...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yea.

               
                             JERRY
               It.

               
                             ELAINE
               It.

               
                             JERRY
               Out.

               
                             ELAINE
               Out.

               
                             JERRY
               Well I, I can't believe this. I know 
               Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. 
               We play softball together. How could 
               this be?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh it be. (sarcastically) You got any 
               other friends you want to set me up 
               with?
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date 
               with Phil Titola?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (to Kramer) He took it out.

               
               (Shocked, Kramer acts like he just got a cold shiver down his 
               back)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know 
               sometimes they need air, they can't 
               breathe in there. It's in human.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               (Jerry and George sitting at the booth nearest to the door)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So she's just sitting there, she's having 
               a pleasant conversation... and all of 
               a sudden.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It.

               
                             GEORGE
               It.

               
                             JERRY
               Out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Out. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) 
               Wow. I spend so much time trying to 
               get their clothes off, I never thought 
               of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George 
               looks at his watch) all right, Hey come 
               on, get out of here, Daphne gonna be 
               here any minute.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right I'm going.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know what I've come to realize? 
               I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike 
               her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well how long you are going to keep 
               this up?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey I'll get married if I have to. Al 
               Netchie will think twice before he opens 
               his mouth about me again.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know George they are doing wonderful 
               things at mental institutions these 
               days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet 
               and greet.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm very disappointed to here you talk 
               like that. You still don't know what 
               makes me tick.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes I do.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you doing?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. 
               I'm not even saying hello, I'm going 
               right into material.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Fulton's Hospital Room)

               
               (Phil and Jerry in the hall outside Fulton's Room)

               
                             PHIL
               Ah hey Jer.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh hey Phil.

               
                             PHIL
               You know I'm sorry things didn't work 
               out with Elaine. I don't know what I 
               did wrong.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, y..you showed her who you are.
 
               
               
               (Phil turns to see a woman breast feeding her baby down the hallway)
 
               
               
                             PHIL
               Oh, look at this, what she's got to 
               breast feed in public.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ya, that's the.. last thing you want 
               to see. Well, next to last.
 
               
                             PHIL
               I'll see ya.

               
                             JERRY
               Ya take it easy.

               
               (Phil leaves)

               
               (Jerry enters Fulton's Room)

               
                             JERRY
               (acting like he was walking on stage) 
               Hey how ya doing? Good to be here.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               (ABC Studios set)

               
                             KRAMER & MICKEY
               Rock, paper, scissors match.

               
                             MICKEY
               all right, rock beats paper.

               
               (Mickey smacks Kramer on the hand for losing)

               
                             KRAMER
               I thought paper covered rock?

               
                             MICKEY
               Nah, rock flies right through paper.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What beats rock?

               
                             MICKEY
               (looks at his hand) Nothing beats rock.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               all right come on.

               
                             KRAMER & MICKEY
               Rock, paper, scissors match.

               
                             KRAMER
               Rock.

               
                             MICKEY
               Rock

               
                             KRAMER & MICKEY
               Rock, paper, scissors match.

               
                             KRAMER
               Rock.

               
                             MICKEY
               Rock.

               
               (Bob walks by)

               
                             MICKEY
               Hey Bob. What's with you? You gotta 
               problem? (to Kramer) You see that look 
               he gave me? (starts to get up to go 
               after him)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (stops Mickey) all right, come on.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER & MICKEY
               Rock, paper, scissors match.

               
                             KRAMER
               Rock.

               
                             MICKEY
               Rock.

               
               (Tammy walks up)

               
                             MICKEY
               Hey Tammy.

               
                             TAMMY
               Hello.

               
                             MICKEY
               So Tammy, finally, today's our big lunch.
 
               
               
                             TAMMY
               I don't think so.

               
                             MICKEY
               Why not? What the hell are you talking 
               about?
 
               
                             TAMMY
               Look Mickey, everybody knows that you're 
               heightening. It's all over the set.
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               Wait, wait (goes to grab her arm)

               
                             TAMMY
               (recoils) Don't touch me. You ought 
               to be ashamed of yourself. All the progress 
               we made over the years and you go and 
               blow it by pulling a stupid stunt like 
               this.
 
               
                             MICKEY
               Wait a second, wait a second, you got 
               me all wrong. It was all because of 
               the kid. (numerous little people begin 
               to crowd around them) (to Tammy) The 
               kid was growing. He shot up two and 
               a half inches in a month. (to all the 
               little people) I woulda' lost my job. 
               Any one of you would have done the same. 
               You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott! 
               I stood in for Punky Brewster when all 
               of you was nothing. (seeing the crowd 
               still doesn't agree with what he did, 
               he points at Kramer) It's all his fault. 
               (Kramer acts like he doesn't know what 
               Mickey is talking about) It was his 
               idea.
 
               
                             TAMMY
               Come on Johnny, let's go get something 
               to eat.
 
               
               (all the little people leave including Tammy along with Johnny)
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               (in complete disgust as seeing Tammy 
               leave with Johnny) AH! (turns and looks 
               at Kramer) AH!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
               (Mickey runs and tackles Kramer)

               
                             MICKEY
               AH!

               
                             KRAMER
               Mickey!

               
               
               
               
               (Back in Fulton's Hospital Room)

               
               (Jerry is doing material)

               
                             JERRY
               This guy's belching out vitamins..
 
               
               
                             FULTON
               (dying of laughter and coughing) Stop.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (cont.) and this whole justice league, 
               Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. 
               You mean to tell me Superman can't cover 
               everything?
 
               
                             FULTON
               (still laughing and coughing) Stop.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               For crying out loud, He's Superman. 
               (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face 
               is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton?
 
               
               
               
               
               
               (Back at Monk's)

               
               (George and Daphne at the booth nearest to the door)

               
                             DAPHNE
               George, first let me just say I've never 
               been with a guy who was so committed 
               to commit. I mean it's so rare in men 
               these days an, that's what makes this 
               all the more difficult.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (happily) Difficult?

               
                             DAPHNE
               The other day, after work, some girlfriends 
               and I went to a bar for some drinks 
               and there was this crazy mishap and 
               I wound up meeting someone as a result. 
               George...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (acting disappointed) Oh, please don't.
 
               
               
                             DAPHNE
               Uh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the worst 
               of it is it's someone you know. Jerry 
               Persheck.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Pachyderm?

               
                             DAPHNE
               Heh, he was carrying these two pieces 
               of pizza...
 
               
               
                            THE END



The Stand-In



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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