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Movie Chat



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                             THE STATUE



                             Written by

                           Larry Charles



 
               
               
               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               I have to tell you that I did some very 
               exciting news recently, and I don't 
               know if I should really tell you exactly 
               what it is because it's really not a 
               definite thing yet. Well, I will tell 
               you what I know so far. According to 
               the information that I have in the envelope 
               that I've received, it seems that I 
               may have already won some very valuable 
               prizes. Well, thank you, thank you very 
               much, well thank you. It's very nice 
               to hear that. But, in all honesty, I 
               have to say, I didn't even know I was 
               in this thing. But, according to the 
               readout, it looks like I am among the 
               top people that they are considering. 
               You know, that's what annoys me about 
               the sweepstakes companies, they always 
               tease you with that, "You may have already 
               won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes 
               company to have some guts, come out 
               with the truth, just tell people the 
               truth one time. Send out envelopes, 
               "You have definitely lost!" You turn 
               it over, giant printing, "Not even close!" 
               You open it up, there's this whole letter 
               of explanation, "Even we cannot believe 
               how badly you've done in this contest."
 
               
               
               (Scene ends)

               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (George is reading the paper. Kramer and Jerry both try to enter 
               carrying a large carton with the name Seinfeld on it)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Trying to get the box through the door. 
               To Kramer) To the right. (They get it 
               through)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That took awhile.

               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) Don't get up.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'd like to help, but my neck..

               
               (The set the box on the table)

               
                             GEORGE
               So how long has it been in the basement?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Since my grandfather died. I was suppose 
               to send it down to my parents in Florida, 
               but they didn't want it. They told me 
               to get rid of it, but I felt funny and 
               then I sort of forgot about it. And 
               it's been sitting down there for three 
               years.. until he saw it. (To Kramer) 
               Alright, so, just take what you want 
               and let's get it out of here.
 
               
               (They open the box, and start going through it)

               
                             GEORGE
               What's in it?

               
                             JERRY
               Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Pulls out some socks) You want these? 
               Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, go ahead. (Looks around his apartment) 
               Look at this place. I can't wait to 
               get it cleaned.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know someone who'll do it. She's good. 
               She's honest.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, Elaine got this writer friend from 
               Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to 
               Columbia grad school, and he's suppose 
               to do it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Students can't clean. It's anathema. 
               (Jerry's confused) ..They don't like 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How long have you been waiting to squeeze 
               that into a conversation?
 
               
               (Kramer pulls a statue out of the box)

               
                             KRAMER
               Now this, I like.

               
               (George's eyes light up when he sees the statue)

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait a second. I can't believe this! 
               Let me see this.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Getting possesive) Wait, wait, wait..
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Let me just see it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on..

               
               (The both grab it)

               
                             GEORGE
               Let me just see it for a second. Oh 
               my God, it's exactly the same!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               When I was ten years old, my parents 
               had this very same statue on the mantle 
               of our apartment. Exactly. And, one 
               day, I grabbed it, and I was using it 
               as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur 
               Park", and I got to the part about, 
               "I'll never have that recipe again," 
               and it slipped out of my hand and it 
               broke. My parents looked at me like 
               I smashed the ten commandments. To this 
               day, they bring it up. It was the single 
               most damaging experience in my life, 
               aside from seeing my father naked.
 
               
               
               (George grips the statue, but Kramer wont let go. They start 
               to fight for it)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon, George. I saw it first.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, Kramer. I have to have this statue.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I got dibs!

               
                             GEORGE
               What? No dibs! I need this statue. C'mon, 
               give it!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Stepping in) Spread out, spread out 
               you numbskulls. Why don't you just settle 
               it like mature adults?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Potato man!

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no potato man.. Inka-dink.
 
               
               
               (Kramer and George both visibly add up in their heads to see 
               who would lose if Inka-Dink was the way to go)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Okay.. start with me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, good, good.

               
               (Jerry begins the childish choosing game of Inka-dink, pointing 
               alternately between Kramer and George with every syllable)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Inka-dink, a bottle of ink. The cork 
               fell out, and you stink. Not because 
               you're dirty, not because you're clean 
               - just because you kissed the girl behind 
               the magazine.. (He lands on Kramer, 
               then completes the rhyme) And you are 
               it! (Lands on George)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What 
               are you doing? No, no, oh, oh, okay. 
               He's out. I get it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no, no.. I'm "it". I win.

               
                             JERRY
               No, he's it. He wins. "It" is good.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Do over - start with him.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you 
               got the socks.
 
               
               (Kramer tosses the statue to George)

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, you can have it. Okay, I'm 
               gonna take the suit, and the shoes, 
               and the hat.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, c'mon. Let's go.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I'll look like Joe Friday in Dragnet. 
               (Hums out the theme song)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (In shock) I can't believe I won at 
               Inka-dink.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come on, let's go. (They go to the door. 
               George sets the statue down) Aren't 
               you gonna take it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no, I don't want to carry it 
               around all night. I'll pick it up later.
 
               
               
                             GOERGE
               (To Kramer) What about your stuff?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, uh, well - okay. (Balls up the clothes 
               he just got, and throws them into his 
               apartment, and leaves)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, let's go. Hey, you know, you 
               owe me one.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               The Inka-dink.. you were "It".

               
                             GEORGE
               "It"'s bad?

               
                             JERRY
               "It" very bad.

               
               (Scene ends)

               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             RAVA
               Well, if they don't let you be my editor 
               on this book, I'll go to another publisher. 
               It's that simple.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You told them that?

               
                             RAVA
               Of course.

               
                             ELAINE
               This is so fantastic. I don't know how 
               to thank you.
 
               
               (Jerry enters for the bedroom carrying luggage)

               
                             JERRY
               (Frantic) So, where's this boyfriend 
               of yours? I can't wait much longer. 
               I've got a flight.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, probably caught in traffic.

               
                             RAVA
               (Serious) Or maybe he's dead.

               
                             JERRY
               (Joking) So what do you write, children's 
               books?
 
               
               (There's a knock at the door)

               
                             RAVA
               That's Ray.

               
               (Ray enters with cleaning gear)

               
                             RAY
               Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. 
               I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness 
               was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, 
               my dear friend.. And you must be Jerry. 
               Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure 
               to serve you. (Bows)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Taken aback) ..Alright.

               
                             RAVA
               And we have to get back to work. (She 
               exits with Elaine)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Rushed) I gotta get to the airport.
 
               
               
                             RAY
               Your place shall sparkle like the stars 
               in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               The toilet brush is under the sink.. 
               (Exits)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               I don't really feel that comfortable 
               with a maid, either, because there's 
               that guilt when you have someone cleaning 
               your house. You know, you're sitting 
               there on your sofa, and they go by with 
               the vacuum, "I'm really sorry about 
               this. I don't know why I let that stuff 
               over there." And that's why I could 
               never be a maid, because I'd have an 
               attitude. I'd find them, whereever they 
               are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you 
               couldn't do this? No, don't get up, 
               let me clean up your filth. No, you 
               couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, 
               isn't it?"
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               He really did an amazing job, look! 
               He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing 
               liquid. (Opens refrigerator) He cleaned 
               out the bottom of the little egg cups. 
               Come here, look at this. (Gets on his 
               knees) He cleaned the little one-inch 
               area between the refrigerator and the 
               counter. How did he get in there? He 
               must be like Rubber Man!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               There's no Rubber Man.

               
                             JERRY
               ..Why did I think there was a Rubber 
               Man? There's Elastic Man and Plastic 
               Man.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm leaving.

               
                             JERRY
               Where are you going?

               
                             ELAINE
               To Rava's house. I've gotta pick up 
               her manuscript.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait. I'll go with you. (They both go 
               tward the door. Jerry opens it) Elaine, 
               he Windexed the little peep hole! (The 
               leave)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               (Rava's apartment)

               
               (Jerry, Elaine, and Rava sit in the living room)

               
                             ELAINE
               (To Rava) So, the meeting with Lippman 
               is all set. He's the editor-in-chief! 
               I think because of your request..
 
               
               
                             RAVA
               Demand. (The sound of locks being unlocked 
               can be heard) There's Ray.. late as 
               usual.
 
               
               (Ray enters)

               
                             RAY
               Well, this is an unexpected surprise 
               - and Delight! The once and future king 
               of comedy, "Jerry the First," gracing 
               our humble abode. Rava, we're in the 
               presence of royalty.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous 
               job cleaning that apartment.
 
               
                             RAY
               But I didn't just clean your apartment. 
               It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration 
               of life.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Joking about his personality) Shouldn't 
               you be out on a ledge somewhere?
 
               
               (They all laugh - Ray laughs longer than everyone else. Jerry 
               savors the laughs of his big fan - then he sees George's statue 
               on the mantle of the fireplace. He's stunned by the sight)
 
               
               
                             RAVA
               The water is boiling. Are you having 
               tea?
 
               
                             ELAINE AND RAY
               Yes.

               
               (Jerry's still stunned)

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry? ..Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               (Snaps out of it) What?

               
                             RAVA
               (From the kitchen) Ray, would you give 
               me a hand?
 
               
                             RAY
               Yeah, I'm coming!

               
               (He leaves. As soon as both Rava and Ray are in the kitchen, 
               Jerry and Elaine start talking in loud whispers)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Points to the statue) I think that's 
               the statue from my house. That looks 
               like the statue from my house!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What statue?

               
                             JERRY
               I had a statue!

               
                             ELAINE
               You have a statue? I never saw a statue.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               My grandfather gave me a statue!

               
                             ELAINE
               Since when?

               
                             JERRY
               What's the difference?! That's the one! 
               He ripped me off! This guy ripped me 
               off!
 
               
               (Ray pops his head back into the living room)

               
                             RAY
               Do you take sugar?

               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               Uhh.. no.

               
               (Ray goes back into the kitchen)

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe it! This guy ripped 
               me off!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you realize what you're saying?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole 
               that statue right out of my house!
 
               
               
               (Ray pops in again)

               
                             RAY
               Lemon?

               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               (Causual) Uh.. sure, yeah..

               
               (Ray goes back into the kitchen)

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you sure?

               
                             JERRY
               Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ninety-nine percent sure?!

               
               (Ray and Rava both enter, carrying a tray of tea)

               
                             RAY
               Ah, sweet elixir. It's fragrant nectar 
               - a soothing balm for the soul.
 
               
               (Jerry smells it suspiciously - like it's poisoned. A ding from 
               the kitchen can be heard)
 
               
                             RAY
               The pastries!

               
               (Ray and Rava exit in different directions)

               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe 
               it's just a coincidence.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Coincidence? This guy's in my apartment 
               and then, just by coincidence, he has 
               the same exact statue in his apartment.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I never saw the statue.

               
                             JERRY
               I had a statue! What should I do?

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               ..I'll call Kramer. He can check my 
               house. (Grabs the phone, and dials)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh Jerry, don't blow this for me.

               
                             JERRY
               Don't worry.. (Whispering into the phone) 
               Kramer! Kramer!.. It's Jerry!.. Jerry! 
               .. from next door!.. Never mind where 
               I am!.. Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!.. (Rava 
               enters with a manuscript. Jerry starts 
               talking casually)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ma, I told ya, just dip the bread in 
               the batter, and put in right in the 
               pan. Okay, bye. (Hangs up) My mother.. 
               She forgot how to make French Toast. 
               You know how mothers are.
 
               
                             RAVA
               My mother left us when I was six years 
               old. All seven of us. He ever heard 
               from her again. I hope she's rotting 
               in an alley somewhere.
 
               
               (A long beat passes)

               
                             JERRY
               My mom's down in Florida.. she's go 
               one of those condos.. Hot down there 
               in the summer. You ever been down there?
 
               
               
               (Ray enters with a tray of pastries)

               
                             RAY
               I love these pastries. You know, in 
               Scandinavian mythology, the pastries 
               were the food of the gods.
 
               
                             JERRY
               ..Listen, I just remembered.. I'm ..uh, 
               getting a facial.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Takes the manuscript) Oh, see you tomarrow 
               morning.
 
               
               (They go to leave)

               
                             RAY
               Oh, how about dinner?

               
                             JERRY
               No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for 
               suckers. (They leave)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               (On the phone) Uh huh.. yeah.. Okay, 
               thanks anyway. Bye. (Hangs up) Nope, 
               the cop says it's my word against his. 
               There's nothing they can do.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Let's go get him.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, right.

               
                             GEORGE
               We can't just let him get away with 
               this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Do you realize how crazy he had to be 
               to do something like this? He knew I 
               was gonna know it's missing, and he 
               took it! And of all things to take - 
               I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. 
               He's crazy.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You wanta go get him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, then, if he's crazy you should 
               just forget it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Forget it? I already called my parents. 
               I told them to expect the surprise of 
               a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted 
               potatoes!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               George, do you realize that Rava's asked 
               me to edit her book?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Who is this Rava?

               
                             KRAMER
               I say we get him.

               
                             ELAINE
               No!

               
                             GEORGE
               Let me just call him.

               
                             JERRY
               I'll call him. (Picks up the cordless 
               phone. Kramer, George, and Elaine all 
               struggle for control of the other - 
               so they can listen in on the conversation. 
               As Jerry's talking, the three others 
               still fight) Hello, Ray? ..Hi, Ray, 
               this is Rava's friend, Elaine's frined, 
               Jerry.. The King of Comedy.. right. 
               Listen, you know that statue on your 
               mantle, the one with the blue lady? 
               (To Kramer and George) Will you shut 
               up?! (To Ray) Yeah, you don't want to 
               talk about it over the phone? You don't 
               want Rava to hear? ..Yeah, I understand.. 
               You know that coffee shop near my house, 
               Monk's? ..Alright, tomarrow. One o' 
               clock. Great, okay, bye. (Hangs up)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Scrambling) Alright, look, look, look, 
               Let's say he stole it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, he stole it?

               
                             ELAINE
               C'mon, you can't do anything about it. 
               The cops won't do anything. What, are 
               you going to fight him? Why don't you 
               just.. forget it?
 
               
                             JERRY AND GEORGE
               No.

               
               (Scene ends)

               (Coffee shop)

               
               (Jerry sits alone. In the next booth to Jerry's back, George 
               is sitting inconspicuously)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Jerry, without looking at him) I 
               thought you said one o' clock.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Relax, he's late. He's always late. 
               It's part of his "M.O."
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Remember, don't take any crap.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah.. don't worry about it.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll be right here.

               
               (Ray enters)

               
                             JERRY
               (Sarcastic) That's comforting.. Shh. 
               He's here. (Greeting him) Ray?
 
               
                             RAY
               (Stands next to the table) Oh, Jerry. 
               I can't believe you asked me about that 
               statue. Do you know how much trouble 
               you could've got me into?
 
               
                             JERRY
               ..Well, I didn't..

               
                             RAY
               Rava was standing right next to me. 
               I never told her where I got the statue.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Muttering to himself) I wonder why.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, just give it back, and I won't 
               say anything.
 
               
                             RAY
               Give it back?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             RAY
               What are you talking about?

               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Muttering) What is he talking about..
 
               
               
                             RAY
               I'm talking about the statue.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, me too.

               
                             RAY
               Give it back to whom?

               
                             JERRY
               Me.

               
                             GEORGE
               (To himself) Yeah, him.

               
                             RAY
               You?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Me.

               
                             RAY
               I'm not getting this.

               
                             GEORGE
               (To himself) You already got it.

               
                             JERRY
               Ray, I had a statue in my house. You 
               were in my house - and then I saw it 
               in your house.
 
               
                             RAY
               What are you saying?

               
                             JERRY
               What am I saying?

               
                             GEORGE
               (To himself) Take a wild guess.

               
                             RAY
               Are you saying I stole your statue?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (To himself) What a mind.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I..

               
                             RAY
               I can't believe what I'm hearing.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe what I'm hearing.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to himself) I can't believe what I'm 
               hearing.
 
               
                             RAY
               For your information, I got that statue 
               at a pawn shop.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Himself) A pawn shop?

               
                             JERRY
               A pawn shop?

               
                             RAY
               Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned 
               cleaning people's apartments.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To himself) And cleaning them out.
 
               
               
               (Jerry elbows George - a message to shut up)

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, excuse me.. Look, Ray, you were 
               the only person in my house.
 
               
                             RAY
               What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't 
               it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To himself) Again with the Rava.

               
                             RAY
               You want her.

               
                             JERRY
               (Joking) No, she's a little too cheery 
               for me.
 
               
                             RAY
               (Losing it) She's from Finland, for 
               crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know Finland. They're neutral.

               
                             RAY
               Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, I actually find you quite charming.. 
               a bit verbose at times.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Mocking) "Oh, I find you so charming" 
               ..You wuss.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To George) Did you call me a wuss?
 
               
               
                             RAY
               What did you say?

               
                             JERRY
               I said luss.. I'm at a luss..

               
                             RAY
               I would just love to take you down to 
               the shop where I got it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's not necessary. (George slams 
               his menu down on the table in anger) 
               You know, maybe it's not that bad an 
               idea.
 
               
                             RAY
               And I would love to. Nothing would please 
               me more. But, unfortunately, the guy 
               retired and moved to Singapore.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Muttering to himself) Singapore?! Do 
               you hear this?
 
               
                             RAY
               If you really want, maybe I can contact 
               the guy in Singapore aand have him make 
               a photostat of the receipt and send 
               it over.
 
               
                             GEORGGE
               That's it! That's it! I can't take it. 
               I can't take it anymore! (Gets up, turns 
               around, and confronts Ray) You stole 
               the statue! You're a theif! You're a 
               liar!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Pleading) George.

               
                             RAY
               (To Jerry) Who is this?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And 
               the verdict is.. guilty!
 
               
                             RAY
               What's going on here?

               
                             GEORGE
               GUILTY!

               
                             RAY
               Your friend is crazy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I'm crazy!

               
                             JERRY
               (Still pleading) George, george..

               
                             RAY
               I've got to get going. I have a class.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let 
               me tell you something, pal. I called 
               the registrar's office. I checked you 
               out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas 
               at that school! You liar!
 
               
                             RAY
               Well, that's because I'm registered 
               under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas 
               Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional 
               name.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You mean alias.

               
                             RAY
               You are starting to make me angry.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, that was bound to happen!

               
                             RAY
               (To Jerry) I hope you think about what 
               you've done here today.. and if you 
               want to call and apologize, you know 
               where to reach me. (Goes to leave)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, Ray.

               
                             RAY
               (Stops) Yes?

               
                             JERRY
               How did you get the goop out of the 
               top of the dishwashing liquid? It was 
               like a brand-new nozzle!
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               (Pendant publishing)

               
               (Elaine and Rava are waiting for an elevator)

               
                             ELAINE
               Nervous?

               
                             RAVA
               Why should I be?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Right.

               
                             RAVA
               Your notes are very insightful.

               
                             ELAINE
               The book is great. Did you go out last 
               night?
 
               
                             RAVA
               No. We made love on the floor like two 
               animals. Ray is insatiable.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               They all are..

               
                             RAVA
               Was Jerry?

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't remember..

               
               (Doors open. They step in)

               
                             RAVA
               You know, Ray is very upset over these 
               accusations.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well, I'm staying out of this one. 
               This is between them. I am not getting 
               involved.
 
               
               (The doors close. Scene cuts to moments later, on another floor. 
               The doors open)
 
               
                             RAVA
               (Annoyed) So you think he stole it?!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you have to admit.. the circumstantial 
               evidence.
 
               
                             RAVA
               I admit nothing!

               
               (The doors close. Scene cuts to the inside of the elevator)
 
               
               
                             MAN
               Will you put that cigarette out, please?
 
               
               
               (Rava ignores him)

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, 
               and then it's gon and it's in your apartment.
 
               
               
                             RAVA
               Maybe you think we're in cahoots.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no.. but it is quite a coincidence.
 
               
               
                             RAVA
               Yes, that's all, a coincidence!

               
                             ELAINE
               A big coincidence.

               
                             RAVA
               Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, that's a big coincidence.

               
                             RAVA
               That's what a coincidence is! There 
               are no small coincidences and big coincidences!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, there are degrees of coincidences.
 
               
               
                             RAVA
               No, there are only coincidences! ..Ask 
               anyone! (Enraged, she asks everone in 
               the elevator) Are there big coincidences 
               and small coincidences, or just coincidences? 
               (Silent) ..Well?! Well?!..
 
               
               (Everyone just kinda shrugs, then murmurs. The doors open)

               
                             MAN
               Will you put that cigarette out?!

               
                             RAVA
               (Pointing the lit end at him) Maybe 
               I put it out on your face! (To Elaine) 
               It's just like Ray said - you and Jerry 
               are jealous of our love. You're trying 
               to destroy us.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?
 
               
               
               (The doors close. Scene cuts to another floor. The elevator is 
               empty except for Elaine. There's a janitor's cart parked right 
               outside the doors. She steps out, then throws the manuscript 
               into the garbage can of the cart, and exits)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               (On the phone) Ma, will you stop?.. 
               It's just a statue! How is it my fault?! 
               ..It was stolen. I didn't even touch 
               it this time.. Okay, fine. I don't se 
               why this should affect to potatoes! 
               Okay. Goodbye. (Hangs up) She doesn't 
               react to disappointement very well.. 
               unlike me.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm not happy about this.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail 
               through their window?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               There's just no justice. This experience 
               has changed me. It's made me more cynical, 
               more bitter, more jaded.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Casually) Sure. Why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, how do you think I feel? Instead 
               of editing the first novel of a major 
               young writing talent, I am proofreading 
               a food allergy cookbook.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can't you talk to your boss?

               
                             ELAINE
               I did. He loves Rava.. worse.. he loves 
               Ray, and he doesn't think you're funny 
               at all.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm not happy about this.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, perhaps we can take comfort in 
               the knowledge that in the next world, 
               Ray will be the recipient of a much 
               larger and more harsh brand of justice..
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.. He'll have my parents!

               
               (Scene ends)

               (Rava and Ray's apartment)

               
               (Ray's home alone. There's a knock at the door)

               
                             KRAMER
               Police! Open up!

               
                             RAY
               Police? (Opens the door a crack - Kramer 
               barges in like a cop. He's wearing Jerry's 
               grandfather's suit and hat. He forces 
               Ray against the wall - face first)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Freeze, mother!

               
                             RAY
               Hey..

               
               (Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall)

               
                             KRAMER
               Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! 
               (Looks around) You're in big trouble 
               son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession 
               of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder.
 
               
               
                             RAY
               Murder?!

               
               (Kramer shoves him against the wall)

               
                             KRAMER
               Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make 
               love to that wall, pervert!
 
               
                             RAY
               I think you have me confused with somebody 
               else.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Afraid he's got the wrong guy) Is your 
               name Ray?
 
               
                             RAY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Assured) Yeah, you're the punk I'm 
               looking for. (Grabs the statue from 
               the mantle, and puts it in his bag)
 
               
               
                             RAY
               Hey, hey, are you a cop?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm 
               a damn good cop! Today's your lucky 
               day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you 
               off with a warning. Any more of this 
               criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. 
               You got me?
 
               
                             RAY
               Got you? I don't even know what the 
               hell you're talking about.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Good. Good. Let's keep it that way. 
               (Exits)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Kramer guides Jerry, Elaine, and George into the apartment)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, alright. What's the big hubbub, 
               bub?
 
               
               (Kramer runs to his apartment, then returns with a duffel bag. 
               He places it on the table, and reveals the statue)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're 
               my hero!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, what did you do?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, let's put it this way: I didn't 
               take him to People's Court.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I feel like a huge weight's been lifted 
               off my shoulders. (Giddily) I.. I.. 
               I feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how 
               to thank you!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'll think of something.. (Slaps 
               George on the back - sending the statue 
               crashing to the ground)
 
               
               (Scene ends)

               (Night club)

               
                             JERRY
               People are going to steal from you. 
               You can't stop them. But, everybody 
               has their own little personal security 
               things - things that they think will 
               foil the crooks, you know? In your own 
               mind, right? ..You go to the beach, 
               go in the water, put your wallet in 
               the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What 
               criminal mind could penetrate this fortress 
               of security? I tied a bow. They can't 
               get through that. I put the wallet down 
               by the toe of the sneaker. They never 
               look there. They check the heel, they 
               move on.
 
               
               
               
                            THE END





The Statue



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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