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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE STRANDED



                             Written by

             Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Matt Goldman




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold 
               medication.  You
 
               ever try and pick one of these out?  It's not easy.  It's a wall. 
                It's an
 
               entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, 
               "Alright,
 
               alright, alright, okay, what the hell--  This is quick acting, 
               but this is long
 
               lasting.  When do I need to feel good, now or later?"  It's a 
               tough question.
 
               And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show 
               you what's wrong
 
               with the guy, you know?  They always show you, like, all the 
               problems that he's
 
               having.  First of all, the always show you the human body, which 
               is usually this
 
               guy.  No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the 
               public.  And he's
 
               always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are 
               going through him
 
               or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning 
               is attacking him.
 
               I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?"  "Yes 
               I am."  "Are
 
               you having any lightning with the pain?"

               
               
               First scene.

               Jerry and George are in a drug store.

               
                             JERRY
               How did you get fleas?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because my cousin's imbecile dog was 
               rolling around outside and they
 
               got in his carpet.

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe you can get yourself a little 
               bowtie flea collar.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's not funny.  So, are you coming 
               to the party?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far 
               out, it smacks of desperation.  The
 
               
               whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all 
               the way out from
 
               Manhattan for this?"

               
                             GEORGE
               You know Ava's gonna be there.

               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             GEORGE
               The nice one that works in my office.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Nah.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll drive.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, well, now you're talking.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's supposed to be a good party.

               
                             JERRY
               What does that mean, good dip?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, there'll be girls there.

               
                             JERRY
               There's girls everywhere.  I go out 
               of my apartment, there's girls in
 
               
               the elevator.  They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?

               
                             GEORGE
               There's a hundred different things here. 
                What's the difference between
 
               these two?  (They each grab a box and check the ingredients) 
                You got
 
               propylparabin?

               
                             JERRY
               Got it.

               
                             GEORGE
               You got isobutane-30?

               
                             JERRY
               I got isobutane-20.

               
                             GEORGE
               A-ha.

               
                             JERRY
               You got  sorbitant sesquioliate?

               
                             GEORGE
               Got it.

               
                             JERRY
               I have aloe!

               
                             GEORGE
               You got aloe?  I love aloe.

               
                             JERRY
               Where do they make yours?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jersey.

               
                             JERRY
               White Plains.

               
               George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains" 
               box from Jerry
 
               and they go to the check out counter.  Two women are standing 
               at the magazine
 
               rack in the background.

               
                             JERRY
               Girls.  There's girls right here in 
               the store.  Look, look, there's one
 
               
               over there.  Look, there's another one.  Soon as I walk outside 
               there'll be
 
               girls out there.  What's the matter?

               
                             GEORGE
               I gave her a twenty, she only gave me 
               change for a ten.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Are you sure?  Oh boy, here we go.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar 
               bill and you
 
               only actually gave me change for a ten.

               
                             CASHIER
               You gave me a ten.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm positive I gave you a twenty.

               
                             CASHIER
               I know what you gave me.

               
                             GEORGE
               You owe me ten dollars.

               
                             CASHIER
               Will you please step aside?  Next?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, let's just examine the situation 
               for a second.  Who, in this
 
               situation, would be more likely to make a mistake?  Me, who had 
               access to my
 
               wallet, knew exactly what was in there?  Or you--

               
                             CASHIER
               You.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, no, see you're not really listening.
 
               
               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               What's the problem here?

               
                             GEORGE
               No problem.  There's no problem.  She 
               just owes me ten dollars, that's
 
               all.

               
                             CASHIER
               He's claiming short.

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Alright, let's just take it outside.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, so you don't believe me either?
 
               
               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Come on, let's go.

               
                             GEORGE
               You haven't won.  You may think you've 
               won, but you haven't won.  Do
 
               you know why?  It's not over.  This is not over.  I'm not forgetting 
               what's
 
               happening here.  You have my ten dollars.  I will get it back. 
                Alright, don't
 
               worry.  It's not over.  I'm going now.  Good bye.  I will be 
               back.
 
               
               
               New scene.

               George, Elaine and Jerry enter The Party and stand by the door 
               .
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well don't stand here, let's walk in, 
               blend in, blend in.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, let's survey first.  Camp here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Eva.

               
               A beautiful woman starts walking over.

               
                             JERRY
               What could possess anyone to throw a 
               party?  I mean, to have a bunch of
 
               
               strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

               
                             AVA
               So, guess who just sold 129 West 81st.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no you didn't.  Get out, when?

               
                             AVA
               Yesterday

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't believe it.

               
                             AVA
               Ask Mark.

               
                             GEORGE
               Mark, is this true?

               
               A man across the room nods.  George and Ava walk towards him.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, this has got disaster written 
               all over it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How did I ever let you talk me into 
               this, I must have been out of my
 
               mind.

               
                             JERRY
               Now listen, let's keep an eye on each 
               other tonight.  In case one of us
 
               
               gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're 
               in trouble so
 
               the other one can get us out of it.

               
                             ELAINE
               How old are you?

               
                             JERRY
               Thirty-six.  What's the signal?  Howbout 
               this?  Chicken wing?  No, no,
 
               no, I got a better one.  Head patting.

               
                             ELAINE
               Whatever you want.

               
               
               Fast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger.
 
               
               
                             GUY
               You came all the way out from Manhattan 
               for this?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah I did.

               
                             GUY
               So what do you do?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm a comedian.

               
                             GUY
               Are you?  Lemme ask you something.  
               Where do you get your material?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I hear a voice.

               
                             GUY
               What kind of voice?

               
                             JERRY
               A man's voice, but he speaks in German 
               so I have to get a translator.
 
               
                             GUY
               How come you keep tapping your head.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's a nervous tic.  I'm on L-Dopa.
 
               
               
               Cut to Elaine, engaged in a conversation with another guy and 
               patting her head.
 
               
                             GUY
               On the other hand, you take a guy like 
               George Washington Carver.  The man
 
               
               devoted his whole life to the peanut.  Imagine having so much 
               passion for
 
               something.

               
               Cut back to Jerry and his 'guy'.

               
                             GUY
               Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny 
               guy.
 
               
               Cut back to Elaine and her 'guy'.  She's still tapping madly.
 
               
               
                             GUY
               I've often wondered if he ever worked 
               with the pecan.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, me too.

               
                             GUY
               Now is that considered a nut, because 
               I know the cashew is a legume.
 
               
               Cut to George, now talking with Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               How's it going?

               
                             JERRY
               Great, how about you?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe what's happening here. 
                She hasn't taken her hands off
 
               me all night.  She was always friendly around the office, but 
               that was it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How do you account for this?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her 
               head.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, she obviously liked you all along.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, I would have picked up on it.  I 
               can always tell when a woman likes
 
               
               me, they always somehow let you know.  With me, they could torture 
               me, I
 
               wouldn't tell them.  If anything I'd try to make them think I 
               don't like them,
 
               then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking 
               at me, he must
 
               have something going for him."

               
                             JERRY
               Anyway, I'm ready to go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Now?

               
                             JERRY
               If not now, when?

               
                             GEORGE
               Gimme a half-hour.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay, half-hour.

               
               Cut to Elaine and the 'peanut guy'.  By now, she's weary from 
               tapping.
 
               
                             GUY
               Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut 
               oil...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Can I talk to you for a second?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, excuse me.  (gets up to talk with 
               Jerry)  What have you been doing,
 
               
               I've been smacking myself senseless.  People think I'm a mental 
               patient.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I was dying over there.

               
                             ELAINE
               This guy's going off on the peanut. 
                Now pay attention.
 
               
               Fast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry.

               
                             ELLEN
               Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club. 
                You talk about a lot of every
 
               day things, right?

               
                             JERRY
               Right.

               
                             ELLEN
               Yeah, I remember you.

               
               Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting 
               on the couch
 
               near a pretentious woman.

               
                             WOMAN
               I wonder what happened to my fiancÚ. 
                I know he's here somewhere.
 
               Ellen?  Have you seen my fiancÚ?

               
                             ELLEN
               He's upstairs.

               
                             WOMAN
               Are you going upstairs?  Tell my fiancÚ 
               I'm looking for him.  I have
 
               lost my fiancÚ, the poor baby.

               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

               
                             WOMAN
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               The dingo ate your baby!

               
               Cut to George and Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               You ready?

               
                             GEORGE
               Listen, I have a tremendous favor to 
               ask.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I do favors.

               
                             GEORGE
               I think something's happening here.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I think she wants me to take her home.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wow.

               
                             GEORGE
               What should I do?

               
                             JERRY
               Go!  What could you do?

               
                             GEORGE
               What about you and Elaine?

               
                             JERRY
               We'll get a ride.

               
                             GEORGE
               Are you sure?

               
                             JERRY
               We'll be fine, what did she say?

               
                             GEORGE
               She told me she wants-- (Pauses until 
               a woman coming down the stairs
 
               passes)  She told me she wants me to make love to her.

               
                             JERRY
               What?  She said that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Get out of here.

               
                             GEORGE
               I swear.

               
                             JERRY
               What did you say?

               
                             GEORGE
               I, I, I can't.

               
                             JERRY
               What did you say?

               
                             GEORGE
               Please, it's--

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               I... I... I long for you.

               
                             JERRY
               I long for you?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was so shocked I was lucky I said 
               anything.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's okay, that's not bad.

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't like when a woman says, 'Make 
               love to me', it's intimidating.
 
               The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing 
               to her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's a lot of pressure.  Make love 
               to me.  What am I, in the circus?
 
               
               What if I can't deliver?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, come on.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't perform under pressure.  That's 
               why I never play anything for
 
               money, I choke.  I could choke tonight.  And she works in my 
               office, can you
 
               imagine?  She goes around telling everyone what happened?  Maybe 
               I should
 
               cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.

               
                             JERRY
               George, you're thinking too much.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know, I know, I can't stop it!

               
               Cut to Elaine, talking with yet another guy on the couch.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts 
               for Pendant Publishing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Pendant?  Those bastards.

               
                             ELAINE
               Excuse me.

               
                             JERRY
               Listen, George is going home with this 
               Ava from his office
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really?  Huh.  What a world.  So we 
               can go now?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, no, he's taking the car.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             ELAINE
               You don't know?

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh great, oh, this is great.  How could 
               you let him take the car?
 
               
                             JERRY
               There's nothing I could do, it's part 
               of the code.
 
               
               
               Mid-episode monologue

               
               All plans between men are tentative.  If one man should suddenly 
               have an
 
               opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never 
               met each other
 
               ever in life.  This is the male code.  And it doesn't matter 
               how important the
 
               arrangements are, I mean, most of the time when they scrub a 
               space shuttle
 
               mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his 
               way to the launch
 
               pad.  They hold that countdown.  He's leaning against the rocket 
               talking to her,
 
               "So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for 
               some Tang?"
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh look at that.  Look at what she's 
               wearing.
 
               You see what she's wearing?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, yeah, alright.

               
                             ELAINE
               I can't believe she's walking around 
               in that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Just don't make a scene.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, is that real fur?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh boy.

               
                             EVA
               It better be or my ex-husband owes me 
               an explanation.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, good night.

               
                             ELAINE
               You don't care that innocent defenseless 
               animals are being tortured so
 
               that you can look good?

               
                             GEORGE
               Could we talk about this some other 
               time?
 
               
                             AVA
               Are you a vegetarian?

               
                             JERRY
               Here we go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.

               
                             AVA
               So you're a hypocrite.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. 
                Anyway-
 
               
                             AVA
               Well, talk to me when you stop eating 
               fish.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Fish don't feel any pain.

               
                             AVA
               How do you know?  Do you communicate 
               with fish?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, they're not kept in little cages.
 
               
               
                             AVA
               Ever seen a goldfish?

               
                             GEORGE
               Goldfish.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish.  They're 
               not unhappy.
 
               
                             AVA
               Oh yeah, right.  Swim around in a bowl 
               for two weeks and get flushed down
 
               
               the toilet, that's a good life.  (To George)  Let's go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah, that's right.  Go ahead, go 
               ahead, maybe you can run over a
 
               squirrel!

               
                             GEORGE
               That's why we're here in America.

               
                             JERRY
               You're beautiful.

               
                             ELAINE
               Call Kramer.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright. (Approaches host)  Excuse me, 
               this is your party, right?
 
               
                             STEVE
               No, I just live here.

               
                             JERRY
               Can I use your phone?

               
                             STEVE
               What's in it for me?

               
                             JERRY
               A bigger bill?

               
                             STEVE
               He he, go for it.

               
               Jerry picks up the phone and dials.

               
                             JERRY
               Krame?  Sein.  What are you doing?  
               Well, I'm stuck out here on Long
 
               Island.  What are your thoughts about taking a ride?  You sure? 
                Okay, but don't
 
               leave me hanging here.  Okay, great.  Let me give you directions.
 
               
               
               Cut to several hours later.  The party has ended.  The hosts, 
               Steve and Jenny,
 
               are cleaning up, Elaine and Jerry are still there.

               
                             ELAINE
               You sure you don't need any help?

               
                             JENNY
               No, not really.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sure he'll be here any minute.
 
               
               
                             JENNY
               I want them out of here.

               
                             ELAINE
               Call him again.

               
                             JERRY
               I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) 
               We really appreciate this.
 
               
                             JENNY
               It's two o'clock in the morning.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you got the Civil War book.  I saw
 
               
               some of that show, it was wonderful.

               
                             ELAINE
               Six hundred and twenty million people 
               died.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Thousand.

               
                             ELAINE
               Thousand.  Six hundred and twenty thousand. 
                The horror, the horror.
 
               (To Jerry)  The wife keeps giving us dirty looks.  Are you sure 
               you gave him the
 
               right directions?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes.  (To Jenny)  You're sure there's 
               nothing we can do?
 
               
                             JENNY
               No!  (To Steve)  I am not going to bed 
               with them in out house, this is
 
               ridiculous.

               
                             JERRY
               You know a friend of my father's used 
               to live right around here.  Mike
 
               Wichter.  He sold plastic straws.  You know the ones?  You could 
               bend them.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Have you noticed, people don't use straws 
               as much as they used to for
 
               some reason.

               
                             JENNY
               You know, it doesn't look as if your 
               friend is coming.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, he's coming.

               
                             JENNY
               Maybe you should take a look at a train 
               schedule.
 
               
               Jenny sees a figure outside the kitchen window and screams.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               That's him.

               
                             JENNY
               I'm going to bed!

               
                             ELAINE
               Thanks a lot.

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks, great party.

               
               As Jenny storms up the stairs there's a knock at the door, Steve 
               answers.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, how ya doing?

               
                             STEVE
               Ah, look who's here.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm sorry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, it's okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               I had the directions on the seat right 
               next to me, they flew out the
 
               window.

               
                             ELAINE
               Then how did you find the place?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I knew the exit on the Long Island 
               Expressway, and I thought that
 
               the address was 8713 Riviera Drive.  Uh uh, so I drove around 
               knocking on
 
               everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, 
               whoo.
 
               Finally, I hit it.  8173.

               
                             JERRY
               Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us 
               stay here, Steve, I really owe you
 
               
               one.

               
                             STEVE
               No problem.

               
                             JERRY
               And if you're ever in the city, you 
               know, you want to come to a comedy
 
               
               club, whatever.

               
                             STEVE
               Hey, I might take you up on that.

               
                             JERRY
               Here's my address and number.  And really, 
               thanks again.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You better zip up.  I couldn't get the 
               top on the
 
               convertible up.

               
                             ELAINE
               But it's cold out.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.
 
               
               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry's at his apartment, talking on the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               George, I've been sick all week.  Elaine 
               was too.  Eighty miles an hour,
 
               forty degree temperature for fifty minutes.  Do the math.  Yeah, 
               maybe I will
 
               get out.  Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first. 
                Okay, meet me down
 
               there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something.  Yeah, Selwyn's. 
                Okay bye.
 
               
               Jerry hangs up and grabs his coat and there's a knock at the 
               door.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who is it?

               
                             VOICE
               Mr. Pocatello.

               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             VOICE
               You mean you don't recognize my voice?
 
               
               
               Jerry opens the door.  Steve steps in.

               
                             STEVE
               Jerry, baby!

               
                             JERRY
               Do I know you?

               
                             STEVE
               Boy this comedy's really frying your 
               brain.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry, uh-

               
                             STEVE
               See, this is the kind of lasting impression 
               I make on people.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, okay.

               
                             STEVE
               You said if I was ever in the city, 
               I'm in the city.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You certainly are.  What's going on?
 
               
               
                             STEVE
               I'm just waiting for a lift back to 
               the island, he won't be ready until
 
               
               eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break.  I thought I'd see 
               what it was like
 
               to hang out with someone in show business.

               
                             JERRY
               Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just 
               on my way out to meet a friend.
 
               
                             STEVE
               Oh, come on, you can come up with something 
               better than that.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, really, I just got off the phone 
               with him.
 
               
                             STEVE
               I understand.

               
                             JERRY
               Look, you can hang out here if you want.
 
               
               
                             STEVE
               Don't be so enthusiastic.

               
                             JERRY
               No, it's-

               
                             STEVE
               I'm not gonna steal anything.

               
                             JERRY
               No, of course not, just close the door 
               when you leave.
 
               
                             STEVE
               I think I can do that.

               
                             JERRY
               Really, I'm sorry.  Maybe another time.
 
               
               
                             STEVE
               Yeah.  Let's have lunch.

               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry and George are at the drug store.

               
                             JERRY
               They guy's in my house right now.  What 
               a mistake that party was, I
 
               never should have gone.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, me either.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, come on.

               
                             GEORGE
               What come on?  Have you ever dated a 
               woman that worked in your office?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I've never had a job.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know the anxiety you feel on a date? 
                That's what I have every day
 
               now.  My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.

               
                             JERRY
               That's one of Dante's nine stages of 
               hell, isn't it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ava was one of the reasons I used to 
               like going to work, she was a
 
               friend.  Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how 
               to talk to her.
 
               Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk.  I have to plan 
               little patter.
 
               I spend half my day writing.  Then afterwards, I sit in my office 
               and analyze
 
               how it went.  If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the 
               bathroom for the
 
               rest of the day.  I see her laughing and talking with other people, 
               they're all
 
               so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me.  I want to 
               go back there
 
               again.'

               
                             JERRY
               What are you gonna do?

               
                             GEORGE
               I have no choice, I'm quitting.

               
               
               Cut back to Steve sitting alone on Jerry's couch watching TV. 
                Kramer walks in
 
               and it takes a moment for him to recognize the visitor.

               
                             KRAMER
               The party, Long Island?

               
                             STEVE
               Kramer, right?

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, what are you doing here?

               
                             STEVE
               I'm waiting for my ride.

               
                             KRAMER
               Where's Jerry?

               
                             STEVE
               He split.  Let me ask you something. 
                Is there anything to drink in here
 
               
               or is that, like, a stupid question?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything. 
                (Sensing Steve's
 
               disappointment)  Well, but I might have something.

               
               Cut back to Jerry and George at the drugstore.  Jerry is selecting 
               medication.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'm gonna get this.  This looks 
               good.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How much is that?

               
                             JERRY
               Nine sixty.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nine sixty?  Give it to me.

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Don't worry, I got it.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean, you got it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I got it.

               
               George takes the box and begins to place it in his jacket.

               
                             JERRY
               Since when are you treating me to medicine? 
                What are you doing?  You're
 
               stealing this, aren't you?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not stealing it.  They owe me ten 
               dollars.  They stole from me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're a lunatic.

               
                             GEORGE
               I have to do this, it's a matter of 
               honor.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What do you say to a person like you?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Just walk.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
               A security guard approaches George.

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Scuse me.  What do you got there?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               What do you got in your shirt?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I was gonna pay for this.

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               
               Come with me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where are you taking me?  I was gonna 
               pay for it.
 
               
                             CASHIER
               um-hmm.

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               You don't think I remember you?

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you talking about?

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               I know who you are, I was watching you.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What are you gonna do?  Are you gonna 
               call the police?
 
               
               The Security Guard drags George away and Jerry steps to the counter.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Can I still buy this or is this evidence 
               now?
 
               
               Cut back to Kramer and Steve, they're obviously tanked.  Kramer 
               is in the middle
 
               of a story.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, I'm chasing these doves down the 
               street and she's screaming at the
 
               
               top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from 
               Europe, two of them
 
               turned brown!  Well I followed the instructions!

               
               They both erupt in raucous laughter.

               
                             STEVE
               Ah, they turned brown!!  Brown!! (the 
               laughter winds down)
 
               So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Not really.

               
                             STEVE
               Maybe we should call one of those escort 
               services.  I saw one of them
 
               advertised before on the cable station.

               
               Kramer (handing Steve the phone)  555-LOVE.

               
                             STEVE
               Hey, you want in on this?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I got a girl in the next building
 
               
               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry is outside his apartment door, as he puts in the key, he 
               hears a woman's
 
               voice from inside.

               
                             VOICE
               Now I want my money, mister, and I ain't 
               leaving until I get it.  Now I
 
               am through playing games with you, I got things to do.

               
                             STEVE
               Oh Jerry!  Jerry!  Look who's here, 
               it's Jerry
 
               
                             JERRY
               What the hell?

               
                             STEVE
               Jerry, this is Patti.

               
                             JERRY
               Nice to meet you.

               
                             PATTI
               It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, 
               I'm sure.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What the hell is going on here?

               
                             STEVE
               I don't know, but I gotta do this more 
               often.  (The buzzer goes off)
 
               Ooh, there's my ride, finally.

               
                             PATTI
               I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get 
               the rest of my money.
 
               
                             STEVE
               See ya, Jerr.  And tell Kramer thanks 
               and I'll call him tomorrow.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Kramer huh?

               
                             STEVE
               Yeah, he's a hoot.  Oh, goodbye, my 
               dear.  (trying to kiss Patti's hand
 
               
               as she pulls it away)  Ouch.  (To Jerry)  Weekend of the 26th, 
               come on out,
 
               we're having another party.

               
               Steve walks out, leaving the front door open.

               
                             PATTI
               I ain't leaving.

               
                             JERRY
               Patti?

               
                             PATTI
               You got anything to drink?

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, how much does he owe you?
 
               
               
                             PATTI
               Fifty dollars.

               
                             JERRY
               Fifty dollars.

               
               In mid-payment, a police officer walks through the open door.
 
               
               
                             COP
               This your apartment?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but--

               
                             COP
               You're under arrest for solicitation 
               of prostitution.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second, I--

               
               Elaine walks in.

               
                             ELAINE
               I brought you chicken soup.  (To Patti) 
                Is that real fur?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh boy.

               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment, watching TV and eating 
               pizza.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You had Sgt. Chadway?  Me too.

               
                             JERRY
               He was a nice guy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, great guy.

               
                             JERRY
               Was there a red-headed guy there?

               
                             GEORGE
               The one with the long sideburns?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where does he come off?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know.  There's no call for that 
               kind of attitude.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               One of the guys in my cell threw a piece 
               of gum at him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, we all hated him.

               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. 
                You can measure
 
               the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after 
               they ask you to 'do
 
               me a favor.'  Small favor, small pause.  Can you do me a favor, 
               hand me that
 
               pencil?  No pause at all.  Big favors are, 'Could you do me a 
               favor...' (huge
 
               pause, followed by closing credits.)

               
               
                                 THE END



The Stranded



Writers :   Larry David  Jerry Seinfeld  Matt Goldman
Genres :   Comedy


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