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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE SUBWAY



                             Written by

                           Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (Monk's Cafe, the whole gang at a booth)

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can 
               take the B or the F and switch
 
               
               for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge 
               to DeKalb
 
               
               and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 
               3, 4 or 5,
 
               
               but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind 
               up on Smith
 
               
               and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.

               
                             ELAINE
               Couldn't he just take the D straight 
               to Coney Island?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, yeah...

               
                             ELAINE
               Ok, what time is your job interview 
               George?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               9:45

               
                             JERRY
               Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why not?

               
                             JERRY
               That's what Willie Loman told Biff before 
               his interview, in 'Death of
 
               
               a salesman'.

               
                             GEORGE
               What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, 
               very encouraging. The
 
               
               biggest loser in history of American literature.

               
                             ELAINE
               All right, I'm gonna go.

               
                             JERRY
               What time is the lesbian wedding?

               
                             ELAINE
               9:30

               
                             GEORGE
               Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride 
               and groom out, what do they
 
               
               flip a coin?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, they flip a coin.

               
                             GEORGE
               What, was that not politically correct? 
               It's a legitimate question.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that 
               train (yawns)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I get the feeling when lesbians are 
               looking at me, they're
 
               
                             THINKING
               "That's why I'm not heterosexual".
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the 
               check so we can go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Why do I always pay? What am I made 
               of money? You bunch of
 
               
               deadbeats.

               
               
               
               On the Subway.

               
                             GEORGE
               How many tickets are you paying today?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, let's see: speeding, running a 
               red light, no license, no
 
               
               registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. 
               (gives
 
               
               George a ticket)

               
                             GEORGE
               No doors?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm fighting that one. You know, this 
               is gonna cost me over six
 
               
               hundred bucks.

               
               Blind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody 
               else gets
 
               
               some change, except George.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't carry any changes in these pants, 
               it falls out.
 
               
                             VIOLIN PLAYER
               Thank you.

               
                             GEORGE
               That guy is not blind.

               
                             JERRY
               So, can I convince anybody to come down 
               to Coney Island with me? I
 
               
               got to pick up my car at the pound. George?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe they actually found 
               your stolen car.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Not only that they found it. It was 
               simonized and the front end was
 
               
               aligned.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's amazing.

               
                             JERRY
               So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. 
               Hotdogs on Nathan's is on
 
               
               me.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you? Satan? I'm close to a 
               job here. It's my second
 
               
               interview with them.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't. I'm the best man.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, bumper-cars?

               
                             KRAMER
               I've gotta go to court, I'll get in 
               trouble. What's the matter with
 
               
               you?

               
                             JERRY
               Could be years before I get back to 
               Coney Island. I can't go to
 
               
               rides alone.

               
                             SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENT
               42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F 
               train.
 
               
               They all get off and go to different directions.

               
                             ELAINE
               See'ya.

               
               
               
               Another subway. Jerry comes in and sits down. Fat man across 
               him gives a
 
               
               look.

               
               George gets on another subway. Sits next to a beautiful woman. 
               They smile to
 
               
               another.

               
               Kramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat. 
               Stumbles
 
               
               around as all seats get filled right before him.

               
               He squeezes himself to same seat with obese young man.

               
               Jerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves 
               and Jerry
 
               
               falls in his seat.

               
               
               
               Woman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her.

               
                             WOMAN
               You looking for a job?

               
                             GEORGE
               Me, why?

               
                             WOMAN
               Well, you're reading the classifieds.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no no no. I was just looking for 
               stock-pages. Here it is.
 
               
               Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. 
               Oh, IBM
 
               
               up a quarter.

               
                             WOMEN
               You didn't look like someone who needed 
               a job.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing 
               very well, very well, yep.
 
               
                             WOMEN
               So, you're in 'the market'?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.

               
                             WOMEN
               Which market?

               
                             GEORGE
               Which market, the, eh, big one, the 
               big market, the big board.
 
               
               Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.

               
                             WOMEN
               So, do you work for one of those big 
               broker-houses?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They wish. I hate the big broker-houses. 
               Hate them with a passion.
 
               
               Big broker-houses killed my father.

               
                             WOMAN
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt 
               his feelings. It's a long
 
               
               story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that 
               I would
 
               
               never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is 
               money. I'm
 
               
               about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way 
               and I've
 
               
               never looked back.

               
               Train horn blows and George looks back

               
               
               
               Elaine's train. She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman 
               approaches
 
               
               her

               
                             WOMAN
               I started riding these trains in the 
               forties. Those days a man would
 
               
               give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have 
               to stand.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's ironic.

               
                             WOMEN
               What's ironic?

               
                             ELAINE
               This, that we've come all this way, 
               we have made all this progress,
 
               
               but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.

               
                             WOMAN
               No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh...

               
                             WOMAN
               Where are you up to, with such a nice 
               present, birthday party?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               A wedding.

               
                             WOMEN
               A wedding?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah

               
                             WOMAN
               Hah, I didn't know people still get 
               married. It's hard today with
 
               
               men and women.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're telling me.

               
                             WOMAN
               So, are they a nice couple?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, very nice.

               
                             WOMAN
               What does he do, if you don't mind me 
               asking?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               She.

               
                             WOMEN
               She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds 
               like my son.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               There is no he.

               
                             WOMEN
               There is no he. So, who's getting married?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.
 
               
               
                             WOMEN
               Lesbian wedding.

               
                             ELAINE
               Aha, yep. I'm the...eh...bes tman.
 
               
               
                             WOMEN
               My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the
 
               
               
               subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm 
               not a lesbian! I hate men,
 
               
               but I'm not a lesbian!

               
               
               
               Kramer's train. A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat.
 
               
               
               Kramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the 
               paper. The
 
               
               other man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece 
               of one page.
 
               
               
               
               Jerry's train. He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to 
               the floor.
 
               
               Man across gives him a look.

               
               
               
               Elaine's train. Train is full packed.

               
                             ELAINE'S VOICE
               I'm really looking forward to this. 
               I love weddings. Maybe
 
               
               I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not.

               
               Train suddenly stops

               
                             ELAINE'S VOICE
               Oh, man. We're stopping?

               
               
               
               George's train.

               
                             WOMAN
               Well, this is where I get off.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, you do?

               
                             WOMAN
               Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, what, what?

               
                             WOMAN
               Well, I was going to say: why don't 
               you get off with me, but you're
 
               
               obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or 
               something.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, well....

               
                             WOMAN
               Yeah I knew it was a bad idea.

               
               George is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs 
               after her
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, what's another million, give or 
               take. I get off where and when
 
               
               I wanna get off.

               
               He gets stuck between closing doors.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. 
               Don't start the train!
 
               
               Don't start the train!!

               
               
               
               Kramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking.
 
               
               
                             MAN1
               This, it's the fourth horse of the first 
               race, Pappanick.
 
               
                             MAN2
               How do you know it's going to win?
 
               
               
                             MAN1
               My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses 
               are regular customers.
 
               
               Every horse he has ever given me has won.

               
               See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's 
               been
 
               
               getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout 
               hasn't
 
               
               been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna 
               break his
 
               
               
               a lock.

               
                             MAN2
               But it rained last night.

               
                             MAN1
               Exactly, this horse loves the slop. 
               It's in his bloodlines. His
 
               
               father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.

               
                             MAN2
               His mudda' was a mudda'?

               
                             MAN1
               What did I just say? Come on, let's 
               go to the office, I'm going to
 
               
               call my bookie. Hey, don't tell anybody.

               
               Kramer quickly turns away

               
               
               
               Jerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy 
               is naked and
 
               
               reading a paper.

               
                             JERRY
               O-K. You realize of course, you're naked?
 
               
               
                             NAKED MAN
               Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You oughta' sit here. There is a difference.
 
               
               
                             NAKED MAN
               You got something against naked body?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I got something against yours. How about 
               a couple of deep knee bends,
 
               
               maybe a squat thrust?

               
                             NAKED MAN
               Who's got time for squat thrusts?

               
                             JERRY
               All right, how about skipping breakfast. 
               I'm guessing you're not a
 
               
               'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.

               
                             NAKED MAN
               I like a good breakfast.

               
                             JERRY
               I understand, I like good breakfast. 
               Long as you don't wind up
 
               
               trapped in a room with bimbo broals(?) and pigtails, been counseled 
               by Dick
 
               
               Gregory.

               
                             NAKED MAN
               I'm not ashamed of my body.

               
                             JERRY
               That's your problem, you should be.
 
               
               
               Naked man drops half of his newspaper

               
                             JERRY
               Don't get up, please, allow me.

               
               Jerry picks up the paper

               
               
               
               Elaine is still trapped in a stopped train.

               
                             ELAINE'S VOICE
               Oh, this is great. This is what I need, 
               just what I need.
 
               
               Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the 
               track, we're
 
               
               stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so 
               many people?
 
               
               This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? 
               What is
 
               
               so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I 
               feel
 
               
               something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people 
               should be in
 
               
               a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the 
               ring.
 
               
               What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, 
               I can't
 
               
               breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. 
               Think about
 
               
               the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. 
               And
 
               
               hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about 
               that. This
 
               
               is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! 
               Help
 
               
               me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? 
               What
 
               
               can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! 
               How can a
 
               
               train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think 
               the
 
               
               conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay 
               we'll be
 
               
               moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my 
               leg?!!
 
               
               Lights in the train go off

               
               
               
               George and the woman step in to a hotel room.

               
                             GEORGE
               Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh, 
               hey nice ice-bucket.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Make your-self comfortable.

               
               She steps in to bathroom.

               
                             GEORGE'S VOICE
               Make myself comfortable. What does that 
               mean? Does she want
 
               
               me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What 
               if I take my
 
               
               clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like 
               an idiot.
 
               
               She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them 
               on, but what
 
               
               then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make 
               yourself
 
               
               comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing
 
               
               
               can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. 
               There,
 
               
               that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible.
 
               
               
               She comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nightie.

               
                             GEORGE
               Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.
 
               
               
               
               
               Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. He is talking with 
               a guy
 
               
               behind in the line.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the 
               bug boy on him.
 
               
                             GUY
               The bug boy.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, the little father has run his 
               hard out. They're gonna break
 
               
               his maiden.

               
                             GUY
               Really? But, it's a little bit slow 
               out there it rained last night.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves 
               it, eats it up. Eats the slob.
 
               
               Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.

               
                             GUY
               His father was a mudda'?

               
                             KRAMER
               His mother was a mudda'.

               
                             GUY
               His mother was a mudda'?

               
                             KRAMER
               What did I just say?

               
               Kramer gets to the cashier

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey,all right, 600 Pappanick to win.
 
               
               
               
               
               Jerry's train

               
                             FG
               They still have no pitching. Goodin's 
               a question mahk. ...You don't recover 
               from those rotator cuffs so fast.
 
               
               
                             JS
               I'm not worried about their best pitching. 
               They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.
 
               
               
                             FG
               No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, 
               Murry. ...They got no defence.
 
               
                             JS
               Defence? Please. ...They need speed.
 
               
               
                             FG
               Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need 
               a bullpen.
 
               
                             JS
               Franco's no good? ...They got no team 
               leaders.
 
               
                             FG
               They got Franco! ...What they need is 
               a front office.
 
               
                             JS
               But you gotta like their chances.

               
                             FG
               I LUV their chances.

               
                             JS
               Tell you what. If they win the penant 
               I'll sit naked with you at the World 
               Series.
 
               
                             FG
               It's a deal!

               
               
               
               Elaine is in a stopped train with no lights.

               
                             ELAINE'S VOICE
               Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars 
               my whole life
 
               
               could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out 
               of here. What
 
               
               if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 
               seconds. 1
 
               
               banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, I'm still 
               here! Still
 
               
               here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! Train 
               starts
 
               
               moving, lights get back on It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!! 
               Train
 
               
               stops again and lights go off Motherf(beep-beep)!!!

               
               
               
               George and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The 
               woman is
 
               
               putting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard 
               of the bed.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for 
               these things.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Oh, don't worry. I do.

               
               She steps in to the bathroom

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, my mother used to walk around 
               on our apartment just in
 
               
               her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was 
               really
 
               
               disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and 
               fatter version
 
               
               of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing,
 
               
               
               cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who 
               was worse
 
               
               looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.

               
                             WOMAN
               Like what?

               
                             GEORGE
               Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than 
               Hazel. Hazel really puts
 
               
               your mother to shame"

               
               She comes out of the bathroom fully clothed

               
                             GEORGE
               What's going on?

               
                             WOMAN
               It was a pleasure doing business with 
               you George, but I'm afraid I
 
               
               have to get going.

               
                             GEORGE
               Get going? But we haven't really, you 
               know....
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Eight dollars? Eight dollars?

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you doing? You're robbing me?
 
               
               
                             WOMEN
               I wasted my whole morning with you for 
               eight dollars?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wait, wait a second, what are you doing?
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               I'm taking your clothes.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, that's my only suit. It cost me 
               350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg 
               .
 
               
                             WOMAN
               Bye George.

               
                             GEORGE
               No wait, you can't just leave me here! 
               Will I see you again?
 
               
               
               
               Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. The race is on and 
               Pappanick
 
               
               is slowly making ground

               
               
               yes...

               
               The winner is Pappanick

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier)
 
               
               
               Kramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money 
               around.
 
               
               There is a big thug looking at the money.

               
               Kramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him. 
               He makes
 
               
               a run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and 
               so does the
 
               
               thug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes.
 
               
               
               
               
               The naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are 
               getting of
 
               
               the train.

               
                             
               I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 
               20 years.
 
               
                             JERRY
               First we ride the cyclone.

               
                             
               Chilly out.

               
               Jerry takes a deep breath

               
                             JERRY
               Aah, French fries.

               
               
               
               Kramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where 
               the blind
 
               
               violinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and 
               the thug
 
               
               picks Kramer up and looks for the money.

               
                             THUG
               Give me the money. Give me the money!
 
               
               
               
               Police!"

               
               
               
               Back to the Monk's café. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting 
               in a booth.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I never got the car. We were having 
               such a good time, by the
 
               
               time I got to the police garage, it was closed.

               
                             ELAINE
               Too bad.

               
                             JERRY
               You wouldn't believe what this guy put 
               away at Nathan's. Look at
 
               
               what we won!

               
               Waves around a stuffed monkey

               
                             JERRY
               You want him?

               
                             ELAINE
               Get that out of my face.

               
                             JERRY
               So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch 
               the bris!
 
               
               George enters wearing a sheet.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               How would you like a 'Hare Krishna' 
               fist on your throat, you little
 
               
               punk?

               
                             ELAINE
               George?

               
                             JERRY
               Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You have my spare-key in your apartment, 
               right?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.

               
                             GEORGE
               Give me your key, I gotta get it.

               
                             KRAMER
               What happened?

               
                             GEORGE
               Never mind what happened, just give 
               me the key.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come on, I'll go with you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Wait, wait, wait...

               
               Kramer gets the check, looks at it and gets pile of cash and 
               pays. Jerry and Elaine look amazed.

               
               
               
                            THE END



The Subway



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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