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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                            THE SUICIDE



                             Written by

                            Tom Leopold




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the 
               people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don't 
               die and that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just 
               keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? 
               No. In fact it's worse because now they've found out one more 
               thing you stink at. Okay, that's why these people don't succeed 
               in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say, 
               pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage, 
               get a tune up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding 
               than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.
 
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Let me ask you a question. If you named 
               a kid Rasputin do you think that would 
               have a negative effect on his life?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Na.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing? We're going out 
               for dinner in ten minutes.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you realize this is the last meal 
               I am going to have for three days?
 
               
               
               (buzzer)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's George.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. 
               You've got to fast for three days to 
               take an ulcer test. How you gonna do 
               that?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. How could I possibly have 
               ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I think I'll take out the garbage.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, have you ever fasted?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, once I didn't have dinner until, 
               like 9:00 o'clock, that was pretty rough. 
               (exits to hall with garbage  meets 
               George) Hey, do me a favour will ya'? 
               Throw out my garbage for me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, right.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on, it's just down the hall.

               
                             GEORGE
               Give me two bucks. I'll do it for two 
               bucks.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'll give you 50 cents.

               
                             GEORGE
               There's no way I touch that bag for 
               less than two dollars.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of 
               Drake's coffee cake
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're not getting no Drake's Coffee 
               Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I'm 
               all set. I got the ticket. I'm going 
               to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't get you. Who goes on vacation 
               without a job? What do you need a break 
               from getting up at eleven?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's an incredible deal. I don't know 
               why you don't come with me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nah, I don't go for these non-refundable 
               deals. I can't commit to a woman. I'm 
               not going to commit to an airline.
 
               
               
               (Gina enters the hall)

               
                             GINA
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi.

               
                             GINA
               How are you?

               
                             JERRY
               Gina, do you know what a Drake's Coffee 
               Cake is?
 
               
                             GINA
               Of course, the plane cake with the sweet 
               brown crumbs on the top.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How much do they cost?

               
                             GINA
               The junior?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no the full size.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no the junior.

               
                             GEORGE
               You didn't say "junior".

               
                             GINA
               I haven't had one of those since I was 
               a little girl.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. 
               I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters 
               the hall) How ya' doing?
 
               
                             MARTIN
               Good enough.

               
               (MARTIN leaves with Gina)

               
                             JERRY
               Boy she's sexy isn't she?

               
               (Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer's apartment and knocks on 
               the door. As he and George enter Jerry's apartment Kramer comes 
               out and takes the garbage bag.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Do you believe that guy?

               
                             ELAINE
               What guy?

               
                             JERRY
               My neighbour:

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, that creepy guy?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, did he think I was flirting with 
               her?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               He didn't seem too pleased.

               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe I'll get a steak with french fried 
               onion wings.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               hey, you know what? I just remembered 
               something. I had a dream about that 
               guy last night. This is amazing.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's so amazing? You've seen him before.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I haven't seen him for months.

               
                             JERRY
               What was the dream?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport 
               Maine. ??? night club. The stage was 
               on a cliff and the audience was throwing 
               all the comics off.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I think I've played there.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've had a lot of other paranormal stuff 
               happen to me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're a little paranormal

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, George, you know my friend goes 
               to a psychic.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh uh, you should go some time.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'd love to go. Make an appointment.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Psychics, vacations. How about getting 
               a job?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I just got fired.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, come on, lets get out of here.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I wonder what Ghandi ate before his 
               fast.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I heard he used to polish off a box 
               of Triscuits.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.

               
               (They exit)

               
               (Jerry's apartment late at night there is knocking at the door)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Who is it? Who is it?

               
                             GINA
               It's Gina.

               
                             JERRY
               Who?

               
                             GINA
               Martine's girl friend.

               
                             JERRY
               Martine?

               
                             GINA
               You next door neighbour.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Martin!

               
               (Jerry opens door)

               
                             GEORGE
               It's Martine. I think he's dying. He 
               tried to kill himself with pills.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GINA
               Come on.

               
                             JERRY
               In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
 
               
               
                             GINA
               We don't have enough time.

               
                             JERRY
               It'll take two seconds.

               
                             GINA
               There is no time.

               
                             JERRY
               We don't have two seconds?

               
                             GINA
               All right. Go ahead.

               
                             JERRY
               Nah, forget it.

               
                             GINA
               No, go ahead.

               
                             JERRY
               Nah. I'll just wear the pajamas.

               
                             GINA
               Will you just get it.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you sure?

               
                             GINA
               Forget it. Come on.

               
                             JERRY
               Nah, I'll go get the robe.

               
               (Metropolitan Hospital Center)

               
                             JERRY
               That's not too bad. It's not like a 
               Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said 
               he should snap out of it anytime.
 
               
               
                             GINA
               You know why he did this? Because I 
               told him it was over. I did not want 
               to see him anymore.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Really? It's over?

               
                             GINA
               I could not stand it another minute. 
               Yesterday he turned over a man's hot 
               dog stand because he thought the man 
               was looking at me. And then after he 
               saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy 
               with jealousy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh boy, did he say anything about me?
 
               
               
                             GINA
               He does not like you. And all indications 
               are he does not like Drake's Coffee 
               Cake.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He said that?

               
                             GINA
               He was screaming about it all night. 
               How it's too sweet and it falls apart 
               when you eat it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry if I caused any trouble. I 
               was just being friendly.
 
               
                             GINA
               I wasn't.

               
                             JERRY
               You weren't?

               
                             GINA
               No, I have thought about you many times. 
               Have you thought about me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Of course.

               
                             GINA
               Tell me everything.

               
                             JERRY
               Are you sure he can't hear anything? 
               . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.
 
               
                             GINA
               I wish he was not in a coma. I wish 
               he was dead. I wish I could pull the 
               plug out from him.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I, would, I would wait on that. I know 
               how you feel but. Juries today, you 
               never know how they're going to look 
               at a thing like this.
 
               
                             GINA
               I saw you looking at your watch. You 
               want to leave? Go ahead.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I just wanted to see what time it 
               was.
 
               
                             GINA
               Are you afraid of him?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GINA
               Then kiss me.

               
                             JERRY
               Here?

               
                             GINA
               Yes, right here.

               
                             JERRY
               Is this the proper venue?

               
                             GINA
               You don't want to?

               
                             JERRY
               No, no, I want to. I, I very much want 
               to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.
 
               
               
                             GINA
               Then kiss me right in front of him.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I can't. What if he wakes up?

               
                             GINA
               A man is lying here unconscious and 
               you're afraid of him? What kind of a 
               man are you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               A man who respects a good comma. If 
               it was one of those in and out comas, 
               maybe. But when a guy's got a coma going 
               like this ... you don't want to mess with 
               it.
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             KRAMER
               Did you hear about Martin?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I heard.

               
                             KRAMER
               I can't believe he's in a coma.

               
                             KRAMER
               He's got my vacuum cleaner. You know 
               I loaned it to him. He never returned 
               it. The carpets are filthy. What am 
               I going to do?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who told you about Martin?

               
                             KRAMER
               Newman! He's good friends with him.
 
               
               
               Jx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.

               
                             KRAMER
               He's got all of my attachments, you 
               know.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, let me ask you something. How long 
               do you have to wait for a guy to come 
               out of a coma before you can ask his 
               ex-girlfriend out?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call 
               Doctor Kavorkian?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know I don't get that whole suicide 
               machine. There's no tall buildings where 
               these people live? They can't wrap their 
               lips around a revolver like a normal 
               person?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So what's going on between you and Gina?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I went with her to the hospital 
               last night.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, uh.

               
                             JERRY
               So we're in the room and she's trying 
               to get me to kiss her right in front 
               of him.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, uh, you see that's the great thing 
               about Mediterranean women. All right, 
               so what did you do?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Nothing.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah, what kind of a man are you? The 
               guy is unconscious in a coma and you 
               don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know what the coma etiquette 
               was.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               There is no coma etiquette. You see 
               that's the beauty of the coma, man. 
               It doesn't matter what you do around 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you're saying, his girl, his car, 
               his clothes, it's all up for grabs. 
               You can just loot the coma victim.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'd give him 24 hours to get out of 
               it. They can't get out of it in 24 hours, 
               it's a land rush.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So if the coma victim wakes up in a 
               month, he's thrilled, he got out of 
               the coma. He goes home, there's nothing 
               left?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               NOTHING LEFT! That's why I'm trying 
               to get that vacuum cleaner. Because 
               somebody's going to grab it.
 
               
               (The psychic's apartment)

               
                             RULA
               Martin's spirit came to you as a warning.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why would he come to George?

               
                             RULA
               Because George has heightened extra 
               sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER 
               OUT OF YOUR NOSE.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I knew it. I always felt different.
 
               
               
                             RULA
               You are. Some coffee cake?

               
                             GEORGE
               Drakes?

               
                             RULA
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did you buy this for me?

               
                             RULA
               No, why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Ha, because I love Drake's Coffee Cake.
 
               
               
                             RULA
               Maybe I did.

               
                             ELAINE
               Take it away.

               
                             GEORGE
               She hasn't eaten in two days.

               
                             RULA
               Who's Pauline?

               
                             GEORGE
               Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got 
               it. My brother once impregnated a woman 
               named Pauline.
 
               
                             RULA
               Do you think about her?

               
                             GEORGE
               When I hear her name mentioned.

               
                             RULA
               Cut these with your left hand.

               
                             GEORGE
               There was a woman, Audrey. She had a 
               very big nose.
 
               
                             RULA
               I see an Audrey, but with a small nose.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved 
               her very deeply. Will she ever speak 
               to me again?
 
               
                             RULA
               Not in this life.

               
                             ELAINE
               Should you be smoking?

               
                             RULA
               Does it bother you?

               
                             ELAINE
               You're pregnant.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine.

               
                             RULA
               I smoked when I had Faisy.

               
                             RULA
               Ah oh.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah oh? What? What Ah oh?

               
                             RULA
               I don't know about this trip George.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You can see the Cayman Islands in there? 
               Is something going to happen to me? 
               What?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's really bad for the fetus. Do you 
               know that.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine, she's a psychic. She knows how 
               the kid's going to be.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Should I not go on this trip?

               
                             RULA
               George, I am going to tell you something 
               and I want you to really hear me.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Now listen. I just don't know how a 
               person, with everything we now know 
               about pre-natal care can put a cigarette 
               in her mouth.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine, what are you doing?

               
                             ELAINE
               It's disgusting.

               
                             RULA
               I DON'T BELIVE IT. I would like you 
               both to leave.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh fine, I don't like to be around people 
               who are just so irresponsible.
 
               
                             RULA
               Get the hell out.

               
               (Elaine leaving)

                             GEORGE
               A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? 
               Is it Lupus?
 
               
                             RULA
               Do you want me to call the super? He 
               was an Israeli commando.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               If you don't say anything I will assume 
               it's a plane crash.
 
               
                             RULA
               Get out.

               
                             GEORGE
               Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a 
               plane crash?
 
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GINA
               I do not like your toothbrush. There 
               are no bristles.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You can say what you want about me but 
               I'll be damned if I'm going to stand 
               here while you insult my toothbrush.
 
               
               
                             GINA
               It is too small for someone with such 
               a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask 
               you. What will you do if Martine wakes 
               up? Run away like a mouse?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, more like the Three Stooges at the 
               end of every movie.
 
               
                             GINA
               Who are these Stooges you speak of?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               They're a comedy team.

               
                             GINA
               Tell me about them. Everything.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, they're three kind of funny looking 
               guys and they hit each other a lot.
 
               
               
                             GINA
               You will show me The Stooges?

               
                             JERRY
               I will show you The Stooges.

               
                             GINA
               When?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I don't really know where The 
               Stooges are right now but if I locate 
               them you will be the first to know.
 
               
               
                             GINA
               Come, you walk me to a cab.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, uh, I uh, I don't want you to 
               get upset or anything but uh, with Martin 
               and all, well maybe it's not such a 
               good idea for us to be seen together 
               in the building, because, you know, 
               he had a lot of friends here.
 
               
                             GINA
               You're still afraid. You are not a man.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well then what are all those ties and 
               sport jackets doing in my closet?
 
               
               
                             GINA
               Are you going to walk me to a cab or 
               not?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, all right. All right.

               
               (Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You should just eat fruit.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I can't eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ???

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello Gina. Hello Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello Newman.

               
               (Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway)

               
                             JERRY
               Do you think Newman would tell Martin 
               if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would 
               do that? He could kill me.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. 
               It didn't hurt me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see 
               that wall move?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, it's a good thing we came.

               
                             GEORGE
               Could there be a native p0roblem in 
               the Caymans? Maybe there's native unrest.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, I haven't eaten in three days. I 
               was wondering how much longer it would 
               be until I get my X-ray.
 
               
                             NURSE
               We'll call you.

               
                             JERRY
               George, I want you to promise me something. 
               If I'm ever in a comma. In the first 
               24 hours get everything out of my apartment 
               and put it in storage.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               How come?

               
                             JERRY
               Looters.

               
                             ELAINE
               How do we know that dog food is any 
               good? Who tastes it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's really hungry.

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, Newman's upstairs visiting Martin.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You're not going?

               
                             GEORGE
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               Why not?

               
                             GEORGE
               The psychic said something terrible 
               will happen.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I dig.

               
               (Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin's room)

               
                             KRAMER
               I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you 
               can hear me. Look my mother, she's going 
               to come and visit me. She sees that 
               rug, she's going to kill me.
 
               
                             W
               He can't hear you, you idiot. Why don't 
               you just buy another one.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why would I buy another one when I spent 
               a hundred bucks on this one?
 
               
                             W
               I have a carpet sweeper you can use.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't want a carpet sweeper. They 
               don't do anything.
 
               
                             W
               It gets my rug clean.

               
                             KRAMER
               The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam 
               perpetrated on the American public since 
               One Hour Martinizing.
 
               
                             W
               Well, you should take a look at my rug 
               then.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I wouldn't set foot in your house.
 
               
               
               (Jerry enters)

               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hello Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               How's he doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               He looks happy to me.

               
                             NEWMAN
               I hope he stays this happy when he wakes 
               up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why wouldn't he?

               
                             NEWMAN
               No reason.

               
                             JERRY
               He'll have a lot of catching up to do, 
               I guess.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I'll bring him up to date.

               
                             JERRY
               How up to date?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Oh, all the way up.

               
                             JERRY
               And nothing could change your mind?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, it would take a hell of a lot. 
               Because a friend is something you earn.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free 
               tickets to the Cayman Islands for this 
               weekend. He's not going.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               I don't care much for the beach. I freckle. 
               . . . Is that a,..
 
               
                             JERRY
               Drake's Coffee Cake

               
                             NEWMAN
               Wow, where did you get that?

               
                             JERRY
               From my house. I got a whole box of 
               them.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Boy, that's the full size.

               
                             JERRY
               That's your big boy.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Can I have a bite?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't give out bites. I got another 
               one. But I'm saving it for later.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Just one bite?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think so. You know they, they're 
               so fragile.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               All right! All right. I won't say anything.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You swear?

               
                             NEWMAN
               I swear.

               
                             JERRY
               On your mother's life?

               
                             NEWMAN
               On my mother's life.

               
                             KRAMER
               oh oh oh oh oh

               
                             NEWMAN
               Oooh,

               
               (Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway)

               
                             ELAINE
               And there it was, mountains of duck. 
               And not fatty duck either, but juicy 
               tender breasts of duck.
 
               
               (George sees the Psychic's girl, Faisy and follows her into the 
               Psychic's room))
 
               
                             GEORGE
               ...sweetheart, no come here, ... sweetheart
 
               
               
                             RULA
               pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)

               
                             GEORGE
               how did I know you were here? Something 
               drew me here. This is phenomenal.
 
               
               
                             RULA
               The nurse said she would be right back. 
               They're supposed to take me into the 
               delivery room.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, that's great. That's great. By the 
               way I have to apologize for my friend 
               the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don't 
               even know that woman. I met her on the 
               bus on the way over. I couldn't get 
               rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts 
               were a little off ..
 
               
                             RULA
               Oh, where's the nurse

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know where the nurse is. Sweetheart 
               why don't you get a nurse for mommy? 
               ... Anyway I was just curious. Remember 
               the other day you were saying something 
               about my trip.
 
               
                             RULA
               Don't take that trip.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, why? Why?

               
                             RULA
               (screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.
 
               
               
               (Doctor enters)

               
                             DX
               All right, Rula, it's time to go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Because? Because?

               
               (Elaine enters Martins room)

               
                             ELAINE
               Assassins! How dare they keep a person 
               waiting like this! ... Drake's Coffee 
               Cake? ... Give me that.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Jerry, you better stop her or I'll tell.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine! No! No!

               
                             MARTIN
               Ooooh, ahhhh,

               
               (In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth)

               
                             GEORGE
               Are there terrorists on the plane? A 
               hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow 
               fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
 
               
               (Martin's room  Martin grabbing Jerry  Elaine eating the Drake's 
               Coffee Cake)
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               He did it right in this bed, Martin. 
               Right in front of you.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I want my vacuum cleaner!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey!

               
                             NEWMAN
               It was disgusting.

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing? We're going out 
               to dinner in ten minutes.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I never assisted in a birth before. 
               It's really quite disgusting.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What did she name the kid?

               
                             GEORGE
               You wouldn't believe it. Rasputin.
 
               
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Heey!

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               when did you get back?

               
                             KRAMER
               A couple of hours ago.

               
                             GEORGE
               So how was it?

               
                             KRAMER
               George, I would like to thank you for 
               the greatest four days I ever spent 
               in my life.
 
               
                             JERRY
               osh.

               
                             KRAMER
               They were shooting the Sports Illustrated 
               swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Woah. (hitting George)

               
                             KRAMER
               Not only that but at the hotel they 
               opened up this area on the beach for 
               nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated 
               models went down there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wow! (hitting George)

               
                             KRAMER
               I was on the next blanket from Elle 
               McPherson
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! (hitting George)

               
                             KRAMER
               We played Backgammon in the nude.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh! (hitting George)

               
                             KRAMER
               She's a sweet kid.

               
                             JERRY
               Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you know what? The second day I 
               was there I stepped on a jellyfish. 
               Now it kind of stung my foot. That's 
               probably what Rula was trying to warn 
               you about.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, you gotta' watch for the jellyfish.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's this?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it's an invitation to a house warming 
               from Martin and Gina.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               They moved in together?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's some place down in the village.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Phew.

               
               (buzzer)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's Elaine.

               
                             JERRY
               All right we're coming down.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, where ya' going?

               
                             JERRY
               We're taking Elaine to dinner. She's 
               got to start the fast again. Um, you 
               want to go?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Um, I'd like to but a bunch of us from 
               the islands, we'll be getting together.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Elle McPherson going to be there?

               
                             KRAMER
               OH! I got to call her back.

               
               (Kramer exits)

               
               
               
               
                             THE END



The Suicide



Writers :   Tom Leopold
Genres :   Comedy


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