THE SUICIDE
Written by
Tom Leopold
(Comedy club)
The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the
people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don't
die and that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just
keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now?
No. In fact it's worse because now they've found out one more
thing you stink at. Okay, that's why these people don't succeed
in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say,
pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage,
get a tune up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding
than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.
(Jerry's Apartment)
JERRY
Let me ask you a question. If you named
a kid Rasputin do you think that would
have a negative effect on his life?
ELAINE
Na.
JERRY
What are you doing? We're going out
for dinner in ten minutes.
ELAINE
Do you realize this is the last meal
I am going to have for three days?
(buzzer)
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
It's George.
JERRY
Come on up. . . . I never heard of this.
You've got to fast for three days to
take an ulcer test. How you gonna do
that?
ELAINE
I don't know. How could I possibly have
ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?
JERRY
I think I'll take out the garbage.
ELAINE
Hey, have you ever fasted?
JERRY
Well, once I didn't have dinner until,
like 9:00 o'clock, that was pretty rough.
(exits to hall with garbage – meets
George) Hey, do me a favour will ya'?
Throw out my garbage for me.
GEORGE
Yeah, right.
JERRY
Come on, it's just down the hall.
GEORGE
Give me two bucks. I'll do it for two
bucks.
JERRY
I'll give you 50 cents.
GEORGE
There's no way I touch that bag for
less than two dollars.
JERRY
Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of
Drake's coffee cake
GEORGE
You're not getting no Drake's Coffee
Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I'm
all set. I got the ticket. I'm going
to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
JERRY
I don't get you. Who goes on vacation
without a job? What do you need a break
from getting up at eleven?
GEORGE
It's an incredible deal. I don't know
why you don't come with me.
JERRY
Nah, I don't go for these non-refundable
deals. I can't commit to a woman. I'm
not going to commit to an airline.
(Gina enters the hall)
GINA
Hi.
JERRY
Hi.
GINA
How are you?
JERRY
Gina, do you know what a Drake's Coffee
Cake is?
GINA
Of course, the plane cake with the sweet
brown crumbs on the top.
JERRY
How much do they cost?
GINA
The junior?
GEORGE
No, no the full size.
JERRY
No, no the junior.
GEORGE
You didn't say "junior".
GINA
I haven't had one of those since I was
a little girl.
JERRY
Really? You should be ashamed of yourself.
I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters
the hall) How ya' doing?
MARTIN
Good enough.
(MARTIN leaves with Gina)
JERRY
Boy she's sexy isn't she?
(Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer's apartment and knocks on
the door. As he and George enter Jerry's apartment Kramer comes
out and takes the garbage bag.)
JERRY
Do you believe that guy?
ELAINE
What guy?
JERRY
My neighbour:
ELAINE
Oh, that creepy guy?
JERRY
Yeah, did he think I was flirting with
her?
GEORGE
He didn't seem too pleased.
ELAINE
Maybe I'll get a steak with french fried
onion wings.
GEORGE
hey, you know what? I just remembered
something. I had a dream about that
guy last night. This is amazing.
JERRY
What's so amazing? You've seen him before.
GEORGE
I haven't seen him for months.
JERRY
What was the dream?
GEORGE
I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport
Maine. ??? night club. The stage was
on a cliff and the audience was throwing
all the comics off.
JERRY
I think I've played there.
GEORGE
I've had a lot of other paranormal stuff
happen to me.
JERRY
You're a little paranormal
ELAINE
Hey, George, you know my friend goes
to a psychic.
GEORGE
Really?
ELAINE
Uh uh, you should go some time.
GEORGE
I'd love to go. Make an appointment.
JERRY
Psychics, vacations. How about getting
a job?
GEORGE
I just got fired.
JERRY
Alright, come on, lets get out of here.
ELAINE
I wonder what Ghandi ate before his
fast.
JERRY
I heard he used to polish off a box
of Triscuits.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.
(They exit)
(Jerry's apartment late at night there is knocking at the door)
JERRY
Who is it? Who is it?
GINA
It's Gina.
JERRY
Who?
GINA
Martine's girl friend.
JERRY
Martine?
GINA
You next door neighbour.
JERRY
Oh, Martin!
(Jerry opens door)
GEORGE
It's Martine. I think he's dying. He
tried to kill himself with pills.
JERRY
What?
GINA
Come on.
JERRY
In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
GINA
We don't have enough time.
JERRY
It'll take two seconds.
GINA
There is no time.
JERRY
We don't have two seconds?
GINA
All right. Go ahead.
JERRY
Nah, forget it.
GINA
No, go ahead.
JERRY
Nah. I'll just wear the pajamas.
GINA
Will you just get it.
JERRY
Are you sure?
GINA
Forget it. Come on.
JERRY
Nah, I'll go get the robe.
(Metropolitan Hospital Center)
JERRY
That's not too bad. It's not like a
Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said
he should snap out of it anytime.
GINA
You know why he did this? Because I
told him it was over. I did not want
to see him anymore.
JERRY
Really? It's over?
GINA
I could not stand it another minute.
Yesterday he turned over a man's hot
dog stand because he thought the man
was looking at me. And then after he
saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy
with jealousy.
JERRY
Oh boy, did he say anything about me?
GINA
He does not like you. And all indications
are he does not like Drake's Coffee
Cake.
JERRY
He said that?
GINA
He was screaming about it all night.
How it's too sweet and it falls apart
when you eat it.
JERRY
I'm sorry if I caused any trouble. I
was just being friendly.
GINA
I wasn't.
JERRY
You weren't?
GINA
No, I have thought about you many times.
Have you thought about me?
JERRY
Of course.
GINA
Tell me everything.
JERRY
Are you sure he can't hear anything?
. . .MARTIN, MARTIN.
GINA
I wish he was not in a coma. I wish
he was dead. I wish I could pull the
plug out from him.
JERRY
I, would, I would wait on that. I know
how you feel but. Juries today, you
never know how they're going to look
at a thing like this.
GINA
I saw you looking at your watch. You
want to leave? Go ahead.
JERRY
No, I just wanted to see what time it
was.
GINA
Are you afraid of him?
JERRY
No.
GINA
Then kiss me.
JERRY
Here?
GINA
Yes, right here.
JERRY
Is this the proper venue?
GINA
You don't want to?
JERRY
No, no, I want to. I, I very much want
to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.
GINA
Then kiss me right in front of him.
JERRY
I can't. What if he wakes up?
GINA
A man is lying here unconscious and
you're afraid of him? What kind of a
man are you?
JERRY
A man who respects a good comma. If
it was one of those in and out comas,
maybe. But when a guy's got a coma going
like this ... you don't want to mess with
it.
(Jerry's apartment)
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Did you hear about Martin?
JERRY
Yeah, I heard.
KRAMER
I can't believe he's in a coma.
KRAMER
He's got my vacuum cleaner. You know
I loaned it to him. He never returned
it. The carpets are filthy. What am
I going to do?
JERRY
Who told you about Martin?
KRAMER
Newman! He's good friends with him.
Jx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.
KRAMER
He's got all of my attachments, you
know.
JERRY
Hey, let me ask you something. How long
do you have to wait for a guy to come
out of a coma before you can ask his
ex-girlfriend out?
KRAMER
What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call
Doctor Kavorkian?
JERRY
You know I don't get that whole suicide
machine. There's no tall buildings where
these people live? They can't wrap their
lips around a revolver like a normal
person?
KRAMER
So what's going on between you and Gina?
JERRY
Well, I went with her to the hospital
last night.
KRAMER
Uh, uh.
JERRY
So we're in the room and she's trying
to get me to kiss her right in front
of him.
KRAMER
Uh, uh, you see that's the great thing
about Mediterranean women. All right,
so what did you do?
JERRY
Nothing.
KRAMER
Ah, what kind of a man are you? The
guy is unconscious in a coma and you
don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
JERRY
I didn't know what the coma etiquette
was.
KRAMER
There is no coma etiquette. You see
that's the beauty of the coma, man.
It doesn't matter what you do around
it.
JERRY
So you're saying, his girl, his car,
his clothes, it's all up for grabs.
You can just loot the coma victim.
KRAMER
I'd give him 24 hours to get out of
it. They can't get out of it in 24 hours,
it's a land rush.
JERRY
So if the coma victim wakes up in a
month, he's thrilled, he got out of
the coma. He goes home, there's nothing
left?
KRAMER
NOTHING LEFT! That's why I'm trying
to get that vacuum cleaner. Because
somebody's going to grab it.
(The psychic's apartment)
RULA
Martin's spirit came to you as a warning.
ELAINE
Why would he come to George?
RULA
Because George has heightened extra
sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER
OUT OF YOUR NOSE.
GEORGE
I knew it. I always felt different.
RULA
You are. Some coffee cake?
GEORGE
Drakes?
RULA
Yes.
GEORGE
Did you buy this for me?
RULA
No, why?
GEORGE
Ha, because I love Drake's Coffee Cake.
RULA
Maybe I did.
ELAINE
Take it away.
GEORGE
She hasn't eaten in two days.
RULA
Who's Pauline?
GEORGE
Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got
it. My brother once impregnated a woman
named Pauline.
RULA
Do you think about her?
GEORGE
When I hear her name mentioned.
RULA
Cut these with your left hand.
GEORGE
There was a woman, Audrey. She had a
very big nose.
RULA
I see an Audrey, but with a small nose.
GEORGE
Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved
her very deeply. Will she ever speak
to me again?
RULA
Not in this life.
ELAINE
Should you be smoking?
RULA
Does it bother you?
ELAINE
You're pregnant.
GEORGE
Elaine.
RULA
I smoked when I had Faisy.
RULA
Ah oh.
GEORGE
Ah oh? What? What Ah oh?
RULA
I don't know about this trip George.
GEORGE
You can see the Cayman Islands in there?
Is something going to happen to me?
What?
ELAINE
It's really bad for the fetus. Do you
know that.
GEORGE
Elaine, she's a psychic. She knows how
the kid's going to be.
GEORGE
Should I not go on this trip?
RULA
George, I am going to tell you something
and I want you to really hear me.
ELAINE
Now listen. I just don't know how a
person, with everything we now know
about pre-natal care can put a cigarette
in her mouth.
GEORGE
Elaine, what are you doing?
ELAINE
It's disgusting.
RULA
I DON'T BELIVE IT. I would like you
both to leave.
ELAINE
Oh fine, I don't like to be around people
who are just so irresponsible.
RULA
Get the hell out.
(Elaine leaving)
GEORGE
A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus?
Is it Lupus?
RULA
Do you want me to call the super? He
was an Israeli commando.
GEORGE
If you don't say anything I will assume
it's a plane crash.
RULA
Get out.
GEORGE
Not a plane crash. (leaving) Is it a
plane crash?
(Jerry's apartment)
GINA
I do not like your toothbrush. There
are no bristles.
JERRY
You can say what you want about me but
I'll be damned if I'm going to stand
here while you insult my toothbrush.
GINA
It is too small for someone with such
a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask
you. What will you do if Martine wakes
up? Run away like a mouse?
JERRY
No, more like the Three Stooges at the
end of every movie.
GINA
Who are these Stooges you speak of?
JERRY
They're a comedy team.
GINA
Tell me about them. Everything.
JERRY
Well, they're three kind of funny looking
guys and they hit each other a lot.
GINA
You will show me The Stooges?
JERRY
I will show you The Stooges.
GINA
When?
JERRY
Well, I don't really know where The
Stooges are right now but if I locate
them you will be the first to know.
GINA
Come, you walk me to a cab.
JERRY
Well, uh, I uh, I don't want you to
get upset or anything but uh, with Martin
and all, well maybe it's not such a
good idea for us to be seen together
in the building, because, you know,
he had a lot of friends here.
GINA
You're still afraid. You are not a man.
JERRY
Well then what are all those ties and
sport jackets doing in my closet?
GINA
Are you going to walk me to a cab or
not?
JERRY
Yeah, all right. All right.
(Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman)
KRAMER
You should just eat fruit.
NEWMAN
I can't eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.
KRAMER
???
NEWMAN
Hello Gina. Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Hello Newman.
(Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway)
JERRY
Do you think Newman would tell Martin
if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would
do that? He could kill me.
GEORGE
People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked.
It didn't hurt me.
ELAINE
(jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see
that wall move?
JERRY
Boy, it's a good thing we came.
GEORGE
Could there be a native p0roblem in
the Caymans? Maybe there's native unrest.
ELAINE
Hi, I haven't eaten in three days. I
was wondering how much longer it would
be until I get my X-ray.
NURSE
We'll call you.
JERRY
George, I want you to promise me something.
If I'm ever in a comma. In the first
24 hours get everything out of my apartment
and put it in storage.
GEORGE
How come?
JERRY
Looters.
ELAINE
How do we know that dog food is any
good? Who tastes it?
JERRY
She's really hungry.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Hey.
ELAINE
Kramer
KRAMER
Well, Newman's upstairs visiting Martin.
GEORGE
Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket?
KRAMER
You're not going?
GEORGE
No.
KRAMER
Why not?
GEORGE
The psychic said something terrible
will happen.
KRAMER
I dig.
(Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin's room)
KRAMER
I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you
can hear me. Look my mother, she's going
to come and visit me. She sees that
rug, she's going to kill me.
W
He can't hear you, you idiot. Why don't
you just buy another one.
KRAMER
Why would I buy another one when I spent
a hundred bucks on this one?
W
I have a carpet sweeper you can use.
KRAMER
I don't want a carpet sweeper. They
don't do anything.
W
It gets my rug clean.
KRAMER
The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam
perpetrated on the American public since
One Hour Martinizing.
W
Well, you should take a look at my rug
then.
KRAMER
I wouldn't set foot in your house.
(Jerry enters)
JERRY
Hello.
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
How's he doing?
KRAMER
He looks happy to me.
NEWMAN
I hope he stays this happy when he wakes
up.
JERRY
Why wouldn't he?
NEWMAN
No reason.
JERRY
He'll have a lot of catching up to do,
I guess.
NEWMAN
I'll bring him up to date.
JERRY
How up to date?
NEWMAN
Oh, all the way up.
JERRY
And nothing could change your mind?
NEWMAN
Well, it would take a hell of a lot.
Because a friend is something you earn.
KRAMER
Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free
tickets to the Cayman Islands for this
weekend. He's not going.
NEWMAN
I don't care much for the beach. I freckle.
. . . Is that a,..
JERRY
Drake's Coffee Cake
NEWMAN
Wow, where did you get that?
JERRY
From my house. I got a whole box of
them.
NEWMAN
Boy, that's the full size.
JERRY
That's your big boy.
NEWMAN
Can I have a bite?
JERRY
I don't give out bites. I got another
one. But I'm saving it for later.
NEWMAN
Just one bite?
JERRY
I don't think so. You know they, they're
so fragile.
NEWMAN
All right! All right. I won't say anything.
JERRY
You swear?
NEWMAN
I swear.
JERRY
On your mother's life?
NEWMAN
On my mother's life.
KRAMER
oh oh oh oh oh
NEWMAN
Oooh,
(Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway)
ELAINE
And there it was, mountains of duck.
And not fatty duck either, but juicy
tender breasts of duck.
(George sees the Psychic's girl, Faisy and follows her into the
Psychic's room))
GEORGE
...sweetheart, no come here, ... sweetheart
RULA
pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing)
GEORGE
how did I know you were here? Something
drew me here. This is phenomenal.
RULA
The nurse said she would be right back.
They're supposed to take me into the
delivery room.
GEORGE
Oh, that's great. That's great. By the
way I have to apologize for my friend
the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don't
even know that woman. I met her on the
bus on the way over. I couldn't get
rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts
were a little off ..
RULA
Oh, where's the nurse
GEORGE
I don't know where the nurse is. Sweetheart
why don't you get a nurse for mommy?
... Anyway I was just curious. Remember
the other day you were saying something
about my trip.
RULA
Don't take that trip.
GEORGE
Yeah, why? Why?
RULA
(screams) EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.
(Doctor enters)
DX
All right, Rula, it's time to go.
GEORGE
Because? Because?
(Elaine enters Martins room)
ELAINE
Assassins! How dare they keep a person
waiting like this! ... Drake's Coffee
Cake? ... Give me that.
NEWMAN
Jerry, you better stop her or I'll tell.
JERRY
Elaine! No! No!
MARTIN
Ooooh, ahhhh,
(In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth)
GEORGE
Are there terrorists on the plane? A
hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow
fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
(Martin's room – Martin grabbing Jerry – Elaine eating the Drake's
Coffee Cake)
NEWMAN
He did it right in this bed, Martin.
Right in front of you.
KRAMER
I want my vacuum cleaner!
JERRY
Hey!
NEWMAN
It was disgusting.
(Jerry's apartment)
JERRY
What are you doing? We're going out
to dinner in ten minutes.
GEORGE
I never assisted in a birth before.
It's really quite disgusting.
JERRY
What did she name the kid?
GEORGE
You wouldn't believe it. Rasputin.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER
Heey!
GEORGE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
GEORGE
when did you get back?
KRAMER
A couple of hours ago.
GEORGE
So how was it?
KRAMER
George, I would like to thank you for
the greatest four days I ever spent
in my life.
JERRY
osh.
KRAMER
They were shooting the Sports Illustrated
swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
JERRY
Woah. (hitting George)
KRAMER
Not only that but at the hotel they
opened up this area on the beach for
nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated
models went down there.
JERRY
Wow! (hitting George)
KRAMER
I was on the next blanket from Elle
McPherson
JERRY
Oh! (hitting George)
KRAMER
We played Backgammon in the nude.
JERRY
Oh! (hitting George)
KRAMER
She's a sweet kid.
JERRY
Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!
KRAMER
Oh, you know what? The second day I
was there I stepped on a jellyfish.
Now it kind of stung my foot. That's
probably what Rula was trying to warn
you about.
GEORGE
Yeah, you gotta' watch for the jellyfish.
KRAMER
Yeah.
KRAMER
What's this?
JERRY
Oh, it's an invitation to a house warming
from Martin and Gina.
KRAMER
They moved in together?
JERRY
Yeah, it's some place down in the village.
KRAMER
Phew.
(buzzer)
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
It's Elaine.
JERRY
All right we're coming down.
KRAMER
Hey, where ya' going?
JERRY
We're taking Elaine to dinner. She's
got to start the fast again. Um, you
want to go?
KRAMER
Um, I'd like to but a bunch of us from
the islands, we'll be getting together.
GEORGE
Elle McPherson going to be there?
KRAMER
OH! I got to call her back.
(Kramer exits)
THE END
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