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                             THE SUSIE



                             Written by

                            David Mandel




           
          
          [JERRY and KRAMER are walking down
          the street at dusk.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          Look how dark it's gettin' already.
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, it's not Daylight Savings
          Time yet.
          

                       KRAMER          
          When does it start?
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] I don't know, they just
          tell you the night before.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting.
          [pulls out his pocket-watch (it
          has a chain, too)]
          
          I am springin' ahead riiight now.
          

                       JERRY          
          [under breath] Oh, I'm sure that
          won't cause any problems..
          
          [JERRY sees MIKE down the sidewalk.
          MIKE's peering into a shop window.]
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh, god, it's Mike Moffit..
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh now, don't tell me you're still
          mad at him for calling you a phony.
          Jerry, that was five years ago!
          

                       JERRY          
          I'm not a phony an' I don't want
          anything to do with this guy.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Hey! Mike!
          

                       MIKE          
          [sees and is enthused, coming over]
          Kramer! Jerry! How's it goin'?!
          

                       JERRY          
          Fine. An' I'm not just sayin' that..
          

                       MIKE          
          Guess what? I just started my own
          business. I'm a bookie!
          

                       JERRY          
          No openings in arson?
          

                       MIKE          
          [pauses, struck by J's attitude]
          Either of you guys wanna place
          a bet: I'm your guy.
          

                       KRAMER          
          [quickly] Ah no no no. No bets
          for me, I uh, I got a disease.
          

                       JERRY          
          I'm feelin' a bit queasy myself.
          Maybe I'll see you in another five
          years. [casually leaves]
          

                       MIKE          
          Kramer. Jerry still mad about that
          "phony" thing?
          

                       KRAMER          
          You kidding? It's all water near
          a bridge.
          

                       MIKE          
          Hey, what time you got?
          

                       KRAMER          
          [pulling out his timepiece] Oh
          yes. Uh.. it's aaalmost six.
          

                       MIKE          
          Whoa--uh--I'm really late. [leaves]
          
          
          [ELAINE's at work, with PEGGY at
          Peggy's drafting table, looking
          at Peggy's designs. (PEGGY is an
          older, thin woman.)]
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh! These designs look great! Peggy,
          you really saved me.
          

                       PEGGY          
          Oh, it was no problem.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [leaving with the drawings] Mr.
          Peterman is gonna love 'em.
          

                       PEGGY          
          [focusing on her work] Thanks,
          Susie.
          
          [At the door, ELAINE turns around,
          wondering if she heard right, and
          should she say anything. PEGGY
          looks up, pleasantly
          
          nods at her, and returns to her
          work. ELAINE wavers and decides
          to let it drop, and leaves.]
          
          
          [That night at Monk's, JERRY and
          ELAINE are sitting in a booth.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          You won't believe this but, as
          I'm leaving, she calls me "Susie."
          

                       JERRY          
          I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon
          maybe.
          

                       ELAINE          
          What am I, a--a bulimic, chain-smoking,
          stenographer from Staten Island?
          

                       JERRY          
          Who are you describing?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Someone I know.
          

                       JERRY          
          Named Sharon?
          

                       ELAINE          
          I'd rather not say.
          
          [GEORGE has just come in and grabs
          a chair to put a garment bag on.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hey.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [to say hello] Mmm!
          
          What's in the bag?
          

                       GEORGE          
          [sitting] Newww tuxedo. For the
          Pinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is
          throwing a huge party at Tavern
          on the Green, heh!
          

                       JERRY          
          Kind of a Yankee prom?
          

                       GEORGE          
          [resentfully dampened] It's not
          a prom. It's a Ball.
          

                       JERRY          
          You taking Allison?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yes, of course I'm taking Allison.
          This woman is genetically engineered
          to go to a ball. Tall, blonde,
          lithe--
          

                       JERRY          
          Live?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Lithe.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Live?
          

                       ELAINE          
          [rolling her eyes] Lithe!
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh, lithe!
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well, you two'll have a great time
          there.
          

                       JERRY          
          It can't be worse than this.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Mmm!
          

                       GEORGE          
          An' wait'll you see the dress that
          she's got. It's backless! Uh?!
          I'm finally gonna make a Great
          Entrance!
          

                       ELAINE          
          Backless? Ya gonna back her in?
          

                       GEORGE          
          Elaine, when a woman makes a Ball
          Entrance.. she twirls.
          

                       ELAINE          
          She's not gonna twirl--
          

                       GEORGE          
          She'll Twirl.
          
           
          
          [GEORGE and ALLISON are coming
          into George's "house."]
          

                       GEORGE          
          That is what Mr. Steinbrenner wants.
          He wants, everyone, ta, twirl around.
          

                       ALLISON          
          [weary] All right.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hey! Uh--listen--did you get your--uh--boss's
          Knick ticket, for Kramer?
          

                       ALLISON          
          [digging in purse] Yeah, uh--here.
          [hands him ticket]
          

                       GEORGE          
          Oh! Great!
          

                       ALLISON          
          Uh. Say, George--
          

                       GEORGE          
          Woo! Courtside!
          
          [mock-snide] Is that the best you
          could do? Ha ha!
          

                       ALLISON          
          [sitting] George. We need to talk.
          

                       GEORGE          
          What?
          

                       ALLISON          
          I really, think we need to talk.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [pause] Uh-oh.
          
           
          
          [Jerry's "house." JERRY and GEORGE
          are just coming in.]
          

                       JERRY          
          She wants to talk.
          

                       GEORGE          
          She doesn't Want to talk, she needs
          to talk.
          

                       JERRY          
          Nobody needs to talk.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Who would Want to.
          
          She tried to end it with me, Jerry.
          

                       JERRY          
          What'd ya do?
          

                       GEORGE          
          I told her I was out o' soda, I
          went out to get some, an' I never
          went back.
          

                       JERRY          
          [pause] All night?!
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yeah, I slept at my parents' house.
          

                       JERRY          
          And she wants to break up with
          you..
          

                       GEORGE          
          Ha! [snort] Can you believe it?
          [amused] I'm supposed to be havin'
          lunch with her right now at Pomodoro.
          

                       JERRY          
          Uh-oh. "Everybody breaks up at
          Pomodoro's."
          

                       GEORGE          
          So? What'm I gonna do?
          

                       JERRY          
          You really like this girl.
          

                       GEORGE          
          No. I like the ball! This is my
          One Chance to make a Great Entrance!
          My whole life! I have never made
          a great entrance!
          

                       JERRY          
          You've made some Fine Exits.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [admitting] All right..
          

                       JERRY          
          So what do you do? You can't keep
          avoiding her.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [resolved] Why not.
          
          [determined] If she can't find
          me, she can't break up with me.
          And, if we're still goin' out,
          she has to gooo to the ballll.
          

                       KRAMER          
          [suddenly entering] Hey, oh--listen.
          Did you get my ticket from Allison--
          

                       GEORGE          
          Yeah, yeah, right here. [hands
          it to him]
          

                       KRAMER          
          All right! Yeah.. Courtside.. Whoa!
          Don't let this girl get away..
          

                       GEORGE          
          [clipping on shades] Ha.. She'll
          have to find me first. [leaving]
          

                       KRAMER          
          {All right.} [to JERRY] Ah? Oh,
          by the way: you owe Mike a hundred
          dollars.
          

                       JERRY          
          What for?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well I put a bet down for ya on
          tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks
          beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five?
          It pays ten to one.
          
          Oo-oo! That's some sweet action!
          

                       JERRY          
          But I don't want any "sweet action."
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, I couldn't do it: I got a
          gamblin' problem.
          

                       JERRY          
          So you put down my money?!
          

                       KRAMER          
          [impatient sigh] You don't have
          a problem.
          

                       JERRY          
          Not {with} that, no..
          
           
          
          [ELAINE's at the office, walking
          past PEGGY's office. PEGGY's reading
          a memo and notices her.]
          

                       PEGGY          
          Susie.
          
          Susie!
          

                       ELAINE          
          [coming in] Uh.. Hi, Peggy. Um..
          Look, I should have said this yesterday,
          but--
          

                       PEGGY          
          Did you get this memo from Elaine
          Benes?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Yeah. See that--
          

                       PEGGY          
          [preoccupied] You know, it's amazing
          Peterman hasn't fired that dolt.
          
          She practically ran the company
          into the gro-ound.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well. Well, I thought she did a
          pretty good Job..
          

                       PEGGY          
          I heard she was a disaster, Suze--
          

                       ELAINE          
          [testy, leans into Peggy's personal
          space] Look-it. It's not Suze.
          All right? It's Su-zie. My name,
          is Su-zie!
          
          [PEGGY feels quite threatened..]
          
           
          
          
          [GEORGE is in his living room,
          watching TV, eating popcorn. The
          phone rings and he lets the machine
          pick it up as he munches
          
          and uses the remote. The machine
          tape is to the tune of the Greatest
          American Hero theme song ("The
          Greatest American
          
          Hero (Believe it or not)," written
          by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer).]
          

                       GEORGE          
          [on tape, singing] "Believe it
          or not, George, isn't at home,
          please leave a mes-saaage at the
          beep. I must be out or I'd pick
          up
          
          the pho-one. Where could I be?
          Believe it or not, I'm not hooome."
          [beep]
          
          (JERRY's on the other end, a little
          bored. But GEORGE likes the song,
          bobbed his head with it.)
          

                       JERRY          
          George, pick up. I know you're
          screening for Allison.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [answers phone, good mood] Hey.
          

                       JERRY          
          So, coffee shop?
          

                       GEORGE          
          No, I can't. She knows I go there.
          It's not secure. [the call waiting
          beeps]
          
          Hey, I got another call comin'
          in. I gotta let the machine get
          it. Bye. [hangs up]
          

                       GEORGE          
          [on tape, singing] "Believe it
          or not, George, isn't at home,
          please leave a mes-saaage at the
          beep. I must be out or I'd pick
          up
          
          the pho-one. Where could I be?
          Believe it or not, I'm not hooome."
          [beep]
          
          (GEORGE was grooving to it, pantomime-shrugging
          during it, and remoting to another
          station.)
          

                       ALLISON          
          [on phone machine, peeved] George?
          Are you there?
          
          [muttering] I hate that stupid
          message.
          
          [terse] I know you're avoiding
          me, I'm at the office, please call
          me, I've gotta talk to you. [hangs
          up]
          
          [GEORGE dials a number.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          [to phone] Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess
          you're not at home.. I probably
          should 'ave tried you at the office.
          Anyway, good to hear
          
          from ya, really looking forward
          to the ball.. [hangs up and happily
          chuckles] Ha ha!
          
           
          
          [At JERRY's apartment, ELAINE's
          just arrived.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          Can you believe this woman?
          

                       JERRY          
          [ironic outrage] The nerve. Talkin'
          about ya behind your back--and
          right to your face!
          

                       ELAINE          
          No. "Suze!" I mean, "Suzie!" "Suzanne!"
          "Suzanna." Fine! But there is no,
          way, I'm gonna be a Suze.
          

                       JERRY          
          No. No Suze.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [tense] I mean--what am I--some
          pom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?!
          

                       JERRY          
          Who are you describin'?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Someone I know!
          

                       JERRY          
          Named Suze?
          

                       ELAINE          
          No, still Sharon!
          

                       KRAMER          
          [comes in, subdued] Hey. [grabs
          a water from refrigerator]
          

                       JERRY          
          Hey, I thought you went to the
          game.
          

                       KRAMER          
          No. I was kicked out for fightin'
          with one of the players. [leaving]
          

                       JERRY          
          Wait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait!
          Who?!
          

                       KRAMER          
          [stops] W--Reggie Miller.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Cheryl Miller's brother?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yeah. [leaving]
          

                       JERRY          
          Hey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait,
          wait! What happened!
          

                       KRAMER          
          [stops again] Well, first of all,
          for some reason, they started the
          game an hour Late. And uh, I was
          sittin' next to Spike Lee an'
          
          he an' Reggie were jawin' at each
          other, so I guess I got involved.
          [leaving]
          

                       ELAINE          
          [same time as JERRY] --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!--
          

                       JERRY          
          Well--wait--wait--wait--wait! What
          do you mean "involved"?!
          

                       KRAMER          
          [stops again] Well I.. ran out
          onto the court an' threw a hotdog
          at Reggie Miller. "Involved."
          
          An' they threw meee, an' Reggie,
          an' Spike out o' the game.
          

                       ELAINE          
          So that's it?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad
          about everything an' uh, then the
          three of us, we went to a strip
          club. [leaves]
          

                       JERRY          
          Can you believe that?
          

                       ELAINE          
          I didn't know Cheryl Miller's brother
          played basketball.
          

                       KRAMER          
          [suddenly comes back, excited]
          The Knicks killed 'em a hundred
          an' ten to seventy three!
          

                       JERRY          
          What--of course, without Reggie
          Miller, it's a blowout!
          

                       KRAMER          
          No, Jerry--that's thirty-seven
          points! The Knicks covered! You
          won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O--now
          you gotta let it
          
          riiiide!
          

                       JERRY          
          On what?!
          

                       KRAMER          
          [real addict] Ah, come-on, Jerry--I
          don't wanna lose this feeling.
          Hey--let's go down to the O.T.B.
          We'll put some money on
          
          the ponies. [getting out pocket-watch]
          

                       JERRY          
          Yeah, all right.
          

                       KRAMER          
          [looking at watch] Ssssh--ah! They
          just closed!
          

                       JERRY          
          [not] Oh. Too Bad.
          
           
          
           
          
          (3+1) a: daylight LS looking up
          at office building; 1: full shot
          of office; 2: MS on E; 3: MS on
          J. Peterman; 2; 3; 2.
          
          [PETERMAN's office. ELAINE comes
          to the door.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          Mr. Peterman? You wanted to see
          me?
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Apparently Peggy--down in Design?--got
          into a liiiittle bit of a Tiff
          yesterday with somebody named,
          "Susie"?
          

                       ELAINE          
          Su-sie?
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Yes. Between you, me and the lamppost.
          And the desk.
          
          Peggy says this "Suze" isn't much
          of a Worker.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [nit] It's Susie.
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Nevertheless, Elaine. The House,
          of Peterman is in Disorder. First
          thing tomorrow morning I want to
          see you, Peggy, and, Susie
          
          right here, in my office.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [dismayed] Ah, all o'--all of us?
          
           
          
          [ALLISON's apartment. Someone's
          knocking on the door and she gets
          it. It's KRAMER.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          Allison. Hi. Uh--listen: I'm really
          sorry about what happened at the
          game last night. Listen--could
          I have a ticket tonight--'cause
          
          the Rockets are in town an' that,
          Hakeem Olajuwon? Ohhh--he's got
          a real attitude.
          

                       ALLISON          
          Kramer? Have you seen George, around?
          I can't get a hold of him.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he--uh--visits
          the guy across the hall from me
          like every ten minutes.
          

                       ALLISON          
          Oh yeah?
          
           
          
           
          [On the street, JERRY is leisurely
          unloading his groceries from the
          back of his car.]
          

                       JERRY          
          [singing] Believe it or not, Geooorge
          isn't at home.
          

                       MIKE          
          [comes up] Hey. Jerry.
          

                       JERRY          
          Hey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks?
          

                       MIKE          
          [a little anxious] Yeah! How 'bout
          'em? Ha ha. Look, Jerry. I can't
          pay you.
          

                       JERRY          
          Why not?
          

                       MIKE          
          'Cause I don't have the money..
          

                       JERRY          
          Mike. You say you're a bookie?
          You take a bet an' then you can't
          pay? I don't know, Mike, to me
          it sounds a little, how you say..
          "Phony"?
          

                       MIKE          
          Just give me 'til Friday. Please.
          Please!
          

                       JERRY          
          You know, you're supposed to be
          the Bookie. Act like one.
          

                       MIKE          
          I'm sorry. Uh--oh here--let me
          give you a hand with that.
          
          [MIKE gets some groceries out.]
          

                       JERRY          
          [trying to shut the trunk hood]
          Something wrong with this trunk.
          

                       MIKE          
          Oh. Let me see.
          
          [As MIKE puts his hands there,
          JERRY, unaware, shuts the trunk
          again! It happens very fast--MIKE's
          hands are slammed and he screams
          out in pain!]
          
           
          
          [The Pomodoro Restaurant is a dark
          romantic place, roses at the tables.
          GEORGE is sitting at a table with
          KRAMER.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          So--ah, Kramer. Why'd you ask me
          out to dinner?
          
          [amused] An' why Pomodoro?
          
          [Just now, at one table in the
          background, a WOMAN is sad and
          dismayed, says, "How could you
          say that to me?" She
          
          cries..]
          

                       KRAMER          
          [quiet, delicately] Allison spoke
          to me, and um. She wanted me to
          speak to you.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [quiet] Uh-oh.
          

                       KRAMER          
          We all know that this relationship
          isn't working. So Allison an' I
          think that the best thing to do
          is just.. make a, clean break.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Can't we discuss this?
          

                       KRAMER          
          [reasoning] We just don't think
          you're ready for a serious relationship!
          

                       GEORGE          
          [dismayed] I didn't even know you
          wanted to get serious!
          

                       KRAMER          
          [dismayed] So what am I in this
          for?
          
          You know, I'm getting to a point
          in my life where I need something
          more than just.. a good time. [is
          tearing up]
          

                       GEORGE          
          [pause] Are you?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Wha--me? No! No. But she is.
          

                       GEORGE          
          I, I can't believe this is happening!
          

                       KRAMER          
          George, we're sorry.
          
          [breathes in, pause] We're through..
          

                       GEORGE          
          Krama. Please.
          

                       KRAMER          
          [leaves, upset] Waaa-aa--aa! I'm
          sorry--
          

                       [TIME: 11:13]          
          [Commercial Break]
          
           
          [PETERMAN and PEGGY are sitting
          in his office. There are two empy
          chairs. The window overlooks central
          park.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          [entering, uneasy] Mr. Peterman,
          Peggy, I.. guess we, should just
          get this over with. [sits]
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Just Hold On a minute. Still One
          Short.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh.
          
          No, we're not--
          

                       PEGGY          
          Susie has been very rude to me.
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Well, Elaine, has nothing but Good
          things to say about Susie.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Look.
          
          [engaging smile] We don't have
          to name names, or, point fingers,
          or..
          
          [breathes in] name names!
          
          [indicating empty chair] Me and
          her, have had our problems. She
          and I have had our problems! You
          and I, and she and you--
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Don't you drag me into this! This
          is between you and her, and her.
          [indicating empty chair]
          

                       ELAINE          
          Yes! And I am convinced that if
          she were here with us today, she
          would agree with me, too.
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Who.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [uh-oh] Her?
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Where is she?!
          

                       ELAINE          
          Ah--this is part of the problem!
          

                       PEGGY          
          Iiii thought I was, part of this
          problem.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [smiling, convincing] You're a,
          huuge part of the problem. But,
          I think that at it's core, this
          is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that
          
          requires, a Susie-and-Elaine solution!
          And, who better to do that than..
          Elaine and Susie! Susie and Elaine!
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Well, now that we have that cleared
          up.. why don't the three of us
          have lunch.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [feigning hearing something] What?!
          Oh! Oh, I'm, coming! I--I gotta
          go. [rushes out!]
          

                       PETERMAN          
          She is The Best.
          
          What was your name again.
          
           
          
          [Jerry's. KRAMER and JERRY are
          talking. JERRY's eating lunch at
          his table.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          Mike's outside. He wants to talk
          to you.
          

                       JERRY          
          Well why doesn't he just come in?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Because he's scared, Jerry.
          

                       JERRY          
          Why is he scared.
          

                       KRAMER          
          [sighs, opens door] Come on in.
          
          Did you do this? [MIKE has two
          hand casts on]
          

                       JERRY          
          Yeah, but--
          

                       KRAMER          
          Uh--ah--ah! You broke his thumbs.
          

                       JERRY          
          It was an accident.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, is that what you call it when,
          Somebody doesn't Pay Up?
          

                       MIKE          
          [desperate] I'll get you the money,
          Jerry. I got a hundred dollars
          in my front pocket if you want
          to, reach in an' take it!
          

                       JERRY          
          [hands up] I don't want it that
          way.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Nuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike
          fixes your truuunk, we call it
          even, an' this way, nobody has
          to get hurt.
          

                       JERRY          
          [whatever] Fine..
          

                       MIKE          
          Oh--uh--thank you, Jerry, thank
          you! I won't forget this, I'm gonna
          fix your trunk good--real good!
          
          [MIKE's very grateful, and leaves
          with a two thumbs-up gesture. But
          he also can't help giving a thumbs-up--that's
          the position the casts hold his
          thumbs in. It's odd!]
          

                       KRAMER          
          See that was nice, Jerry. [under
          breath] Oh, by the way, I'm the
          one who broke your trunk.
          

                       JERRY          
          Ah, it's just a car.
          
          [GEORGE comes up (the door's still
          open) and when he and KRAMER see
          each other, there's an awkward,
          long pause. During the following,
          JERRY sits at the table silently
          watching, intrigued.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          Hi.
          

                       KRAMER          
          [looking down, nodding] Hi.
          
          [Another pause. It's like they
          broke up--well they did, but they
          didn't.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          It's, funny runnin' into you here.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Yeah, yeah..
          
          It's funny.
          
          You look good..
          

                       GEORGE          
          [embarrassed/self-conscious about
          his gut] Do I? Thanks.. You too..
          

                       KRAMER          
          Ooo, yeah.. [indicating his face,
          embarrassed] {Heh, right.}
          
          You know, it's gettin' kind of
          late, I, I really have to be going,
          so, uh, it's nice seeing you again,
          all right--
          

                       GEORGE          
          [sad] Yeah! Yeah. Hey--hey you,
          you know.. Maybe I'll call you
          sometime.
          

                       KRAMER          
          George, it's over. It's just..
          It's Over. [leaves]
          

                       GEORGE          
          [pause] What do you think, Jerry.
          

                       JERRY          
          [wistful] I don't know, I just
          see you guys together.
          
           
          
           
          
          [Outside it's raining. MIKE is
          working on Jerry's trunk, trying
          to get at the locking mechanism
          but it's hard with those casts
          on.]
          

                       MIKE          
          Thumbs!
          
          [He gets into the trunk for better
          access. But it turns out KRAMER
          is getting into his car, parked
          just ahead of Jerry's, and he bumps
          Jerry's car while backing up and
          the trunk slams shut. It locked
          this time!]
          

                       MIKE          
          [from inside the trunk] Oh!
          
          Help!
          
          Somebody, help! Help!
          
           
          
          
          [That night, ELAINE and JERRY are
          in the car, talking. He's driving.]
          

                       JERRY          
          So Peterman bought it? I can't
          believe you got away with that!
          

                       ELAINE          
          Well, I'm very fortunate to be
          surrounded by such stupidity.
          

                       JERRY          
          Yeah, I know how you feel.
          
          (Meanwhile, MIKE's yelping and
          banging in the trunk!)
          

                       ELAINE          
          Do you hear something?
          

                       JERRY          
          What?
          
          (Meanwhile, MIKE, in a now-hoarse
          voice is shouting, "Jerry?! Jerry?!")
          

                       JERRY          
          Oh, the trunk's broken, it's rattling.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Jerry, I don't know how much longer
          I can keep this up. They're starting
          to give Susie assignments now!
          

                       JERRY          
          Well, there's only one thing to
          do. Eliminate her.
          

                       ELAINE          
          What?
          

                       JERRY          
          [firmly matter-of-fact] Get Rid
          of Susie. Make her disappear.
          

                       ELAINE          
          I kinda like her.
          

                       JERRY          
          She's Gooone.
          

                       ELAINE          

                       JERRY--          

                       JERRY          
          [impatient] Gone! [starts maniacally
          laughing]
          
          [briefly stops to point and explain]
          That bumper sticker.
          
          [They BOTH scream, laughing! In
          the trunk, MIKE has heard most
          of the conversation! The laughing
          continues!]
          

                       MIKE          
          [desperately anxious] Oh God, I'm
          in trouble..
          
           
          
          [At night, GEORGE is upset and
          knocking on Kramer's door.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          Krama. Open up! I--I know you're
          in there!
          

                       KRAMER          
          [opens door] Uh--George, uh--uh--it's
          five o'clock in the morning, what's
          the matter with you..
          

                       GEORGE          
          [sad] It's only four..
          

                       KRAMER          
          Huh?
          

                       GEORGE          
          I--I've been, walkin' around all
          night.. I've been thinkin' about
          Allison and me.. an' you--
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh. Oh, George.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Please. Give me another chance.
          

                       KRAMER          
          [regretfully] Uh.. I know I'm gonna
          regret this.
          
          [sigh] All right.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [grateful, relieved] Thank you!
          
          I'm gonna make you both so happy!
          

                       KRAMER          
          All right, all right, I'll see
          ya later. [shuts door]
          

                       GEORGE          
          [delighted!] Woooo!
          
           
          
          [The next day, ELAINE's passing
          by the door of PETERMAN's office.]
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Elaine! Where's Susie? I want her
          to head up our new Fingerless Glove
          Division.
          

                       ELAINE          
          [quiet] Oh, but I thought I was
          in line for that assignment.
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Mmmmm--nah.
          

                       ELAINE          
          All right, then, I was gonna wait,
          to tell ya this, but.. last night,
          Susie..
          
          [difficult subject, quiet] she
          took her own Life..
          
          [PETERMAN grasps this, weepy in
          disappointment, "Oh!". ELAINE comforts
          him.]
          
           
          
          
          [Allison's apartment. KRAMER knocks
          and ALLISON gets it.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          [happy, enthused] We're takin'
          George back--
          

                       ALLISON          
          What?!
          

                       KRAMER          
          He's gonna make us very happy.
          
          [ALLISON looks doubtful/disappointed.]
          
           
          
          
          [Inside, there are chairs lined
          up in rows, most are filled. There's
          a podium on a riser, flowers everywhere.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          [quiet] Look at this turnout.
          

                       JERRY          
          [quiet] Where did Susie find the
          time to meet all these people..
          

                       ELAINE          
          [irritated] Your funeral's not
          gonna come close to this.
          
          [They've found seats together in
          the row in front of PEGGY, who
          looks like she's seeing a ghost!]
          

                       PEGGY          
          [to herself] Oh my god!
          
          [quiet] Susie?
          

                       ELAINE          
          [quiet] Oh, oh--ho--I'm not Susie..
          I'm Elaine.
          

                       PEGGY          
          But I've been calling you Susie.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh! Hadn't noticed!
          
          Excuse me. [she's going to the
          podium]
          

                       PEGGY          
          I guess I never met Susie.
          

                       JERRY          
          [privately amused] Suze? I actually
          had a little thing with her for
          a while.
          
          [indicating ELAINE] Her too.
          
          [ELAINE's now at the podium.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          What can you say about a girl like
          Susie? [she doesn't know..]
          
           
          
           
          
          [Meanwhile, out in the parking
          lot, PETERMAN arrives in his little
          red convertible (top down), distracted
          with
          
          disappointment/sadness. He parks
          behind Jerry's car and bumps it.
          Jerry's trunk has unlatched but
          not popped open big.
          
          PETERMAN doesn't notice anything
          and goes in. Shortly after he passes,
          MIKE comes out of the trunk, squinting
          in the
          
          daylight, his body is sore, he
          shuts the trunk.
          
          Nearby, there's a small announcement
          sign (with stick-in white letters):
          

                       TODAY'S          

                       SCHEDULE          

                       LIEBERMAN BARMITZVAH          

                       <--          
           
          

                       SUSIE'S MEMORIAL          

                       -->          
           
          
           
          

                       (APPROXIMATION)          
           
          
          MIKE sees it and is alarmed! He's
          still disoriented but hobbles away
          with determination!]
          
           
          [Tavern on the Green, at dusk.
          The Pinstripe Ball is starting.
          The walls there are mahogany, and
          there are short, decorative
          
          columns with flowers on top of
          them. Everyone is in tuxedos and
          gowns, and the music is mellow
          and quiet. GEORGE is
          
          waiting in a tux for Allison, but
          KRAMER arrives in his rather tight
          tux. They talk quietly.]
          

                       KRAMER          
          Hey.
          

                       GEORGE          
          Where's uh, where's Allison..
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, Allison, she didn't want to
          come.
          

                       GEORGE          
          But you took me back.
          

                       KRAMER          
          Well, yeah, I did, but she's a
          tough nut.
          
          How d'ya like the tuxedo. It's
          a rental but I've had it for fifteen
          years.
          
          All right, eh. [heading in]
          

                       GEORGE          
          Where are you goin'..
          

                       KRAMER          
          The Ball, silly.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [afraid not] No no, no no no. You're
          not goin' in there.
          

                       KRAMER          
          George. I thought you were gonna
          Change.
          

                       GEORGE          
          [impatient] For her. Not for you.
          

                       KRAMER          
          [light admonishing, under breath]
          Let's just try, an' have a nice
          time for once, an' we'll talk about
          this when we get home..
          
          [They start struggling quietly,
          KRAMER's trying to just walk by,
          and GEORGE is trying to restrain
          him without attracting too
          
          much attention.]
          

                       GEORGE          
          All right, look--wait--wait--Krama--wait,
          wait a minute, you are not. You
          are not goin' in. Ah-ahhh!
          
          [GEORGE had KRAMER in a slightly
          spinning hold--by holding the back
          of KRAMER's tux--but the material
          tore away, and
          
          this sent KRAMER spinning into
          the room with the back torn off
          his tux! Strangely, this is well-received
          by WILHELM!]
          

                       WILHELM          
          Wow! What an, Entrance!
          
          [friendly, to GEORGE] And eh, who
          might this be?
          

                       KRAMER          
          Oh, I'm with him.
          

                       WILHELM          
          Oh. Ah-ha..
          
          
          [Meanwhile at the Memorial, ELAINE
          is still at the podium. She has
          her chin in her hand while talking,
          weary of making up
          
          things and of acting mournful.]
          

                       ELAINE          
          And.. also, much like me, Susie
          hated going to the, Market.
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Elaine! May I say a few words.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Oh, god, yes, Mr. Peterman. [steps
          down]
          

                       PETERMAN          
          [steps up to the podium, refreshed]
          Ahhh.
          
          I don't think I'll ever be able
          to forget Susie--ahhh. And most
          of all, I will never, forget that
          one night. Working late on the
          
          catalogue. Juuust the two of us.
          And we surrendered to temptation.
          
          And it was Pretty Good.
          

                       JERRY          
          [proud to PEGGY, under his breath]
          Yeah, but he didn't sleep with
          both of 'em. [winks]
          
          [ELAINE (who has returned to her
          seat) catches JERRY's eye. Though
          we don't see her face, his drops
          and he sobers it up.]
          

                       PETERMAN          
          But Iiii never heard her Cries
          for Help. [sighs]
          
          An' nowww.. Susie is gone.
          

                       MIKE          
          [running in, still hoarse, desperate!]
          Hold on! Hol--on!
          
          Susie didn't commit suicide!
          
          [rushes up to podium!] She was
          Murdered, by Jerry, Sein-feld!
          
          [While MIKE's pointing at JERRY
          and everyone's looking, JERRY looks
          back at PEGGY again.]
          

                       JERRY          
          [smugly, under-his-breath] Not
          only that, I broke his thumbs.
          
          [PEGGY and ELAINE look at him strangely
          as he grins during such an inappropriate
          moment.]
          
          
          [After dark, PETERMAN and ELAINE
          are sitting and talking in his
          office.]
          

                       PETERMAN          
          Elaine? Guess what. I've decided
          to Form a Charitable Foundation,
          in Susie's honor. And as Susie's
          best friend, I want you to
          
          be involved.
          

                       ELAINE          
          Mr. Peterman..
          
          [leaning forward, whispering] I'm
          Susie.. She's me..
          

                       PETERMAN          
          [leans forward, whispers carefully]
          I feel the same way.
          
          [announcing] And that's why this
          foundation will meet around Your
          Schedule. Nights! Weekends! Every,
          Free Moment you
          
          have. [leaving, pats her shoulders
          confidently]
          

                       ELAINE          
          [looks up, screaming in frustration!]
          Suuuuuuuuuuze!
          
          [(During her screaming up to the
          air, the camera was over her, looking
          down, and turning around and around,
          just like it had
          
          when GEORGE found out that he was
          going to be running a foundation
          in honor of Susan!)]
          
           
          

                        THE END 


The Susie



Writers :   David Mandel
Genres :   Comedy


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