THE SWITCH
Written by
Bruce Kirschbaum & Sam Kass
(Pro shop at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club)
JERRY
Come on. Lets go
ELAINE
No wait, I gotta go in here and pick
up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet.
JERRY
What's it doin here?
ELAINE
He wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk)
Here I need to pick that up
LANDIS
Hello
ELAINE
Oh, Hi.
LANDIS
Jocylin Landis from Doubleday. I interviewed
you for a position
a couple of months ago.
ELAINE
Yes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they
giggle)
LANDIS
I was watching you play
ELAINE
Oh, I'm not very good.
LANDIS
No. You exhibited a lot of grace out
there.
ELAINE
Really? Grace?
LANDIS
Yes. So have you found anything yet?
ELAINE
Uh, no. Not really.
LANDIS
You know you should keep in touch. Something
may be opening
up in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline?
JERRY
Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one.
ELAINE
Newman plays tennis?
JERRY
He's fantastic.
LANDIS
Would you mind if I tried this out?
ELAINE
Uh, no ... take it.
LANDIS
How will you get it back?
ELAINE
Um, I could come by your office and
pick it up tomorrow.
LANDIS
That's so generous of you.
ELAINE
Thanks
JERRY
You loaned her Pitt's racquet?
E What could I do? She said there might be something for me at
Doubleday.
Oh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt
anymore.
SANDY
I gotta get going.
JERRY
Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong.
It's easier to jump over the net.
SANDY
(nods silently)
ELAINE
Bye
JERRY
Bye bye
ELAINE
Have you noticed she never laughs
JERRY
Hm, really?
ELAINE
Yeah
Kramer and George on street
GEORGE
Check that out (showing newspaper)
KRAMER
Whoa, you're dating this woman?
GEORGE
That's right.
KRAMER
George, you're becoming one of the gliterratti
GEORGE
What's that.
KRAMER
Ya' know, people who glitter. She's
a slim gal.
GEORGE
And the amazing thing is she eats like
there's no tomorra'.
I mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything.
I don't know how she does it.
KRAMER
Maybe she's bulimic
GEORGE
Wa?
KRAMER
Bulimic,
GEORGE
Kramer, she's a model.
KRAMER
Exactly
GEORGE
I have noticed she does tend to go to
the bathroom right after
we finish eating.
KRAMER
There you go monkey boy.
Pepperdella's Restaurant
NINA
Mmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm. Aren't
you hungry?
GEORGE
Just enjoying watching you.
Other restaurant
SANDY
So did you like the movie?
JERRY
Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't
seem quite right to me.
I missed the sport jacket.
SANDY
(nods silently)
JERRY
Not that it was that nice of a jacket.
I mean it didn't fit him
that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a
blazer.
It shows at least he's making an effort.
SANDY
(nods silently) That's funny.
JERRY
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Pepperdella's Restaurant
NINA
Oh, I'm so full.
GEORGE
Yes, full. I love to be full ... love
to sit back, loosen the
old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their
work.
NINA
Will you excuse me.
GEORGE
Where you going?
NINA
I just need to freshen up.
GEORGE
You're fresh (grabs her arm) You're
very fresh. You seem
very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any
fresher.
NINA
George I need to freshen., George, George,
George ...
Jerry's Apartment
JERRY
It was unbelievable. You're right the
jokes kept bouncing off her
like superman.
ELAINE
See, what did I tell ya?
JERRY
And even when she did like something,
she doesn't laugh. She
says, "That's funny." ... That's funny!
ELAINE
Oo, I better call that woman at Doubleday
and see when I can
pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet.
JERRY
I mean how can I be with someone that
doesn't laugh. It's like ...
well it's like something!
ELAINE
(on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss.
Landis there please.
Wa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to
Jerry)
This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad.
George enters
GEORGE
Well, I heard a noise.
JERRY
What noise?
GEORGE
You know, .. blah ...
JERRY
What blah?
GEORGE
From the bathroom.
JERRY
Oh, you think she was refunding?
GEORGE
Every time we go out to eat the minute
we we're done eating
she's runnin to the bathroom.
ELAINE
So you're concerned.
GEORGE
Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm
payin' for those meals.
It's like throwing money down the toilet.
JERRY
In a manner of speaking.
GEORGE
Let me digest it. Let me get my money's
worth. Y'know what
would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that
could tell me.
Kramer enters.
KRAMER
Here's your scrubber back.
JERRY
Thanks.
GEORGE
Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those
women that hand out the
towels in the powder room.
JERRY
A matron?
GEORGE
Yeah
Kramer nervously waves at to stop Jerry talking.
JERRY
uh, well I can't help you there (weakly).
GEORGE
Wha?
KRAMER
Nothin'
GEORGE
You know a matron?
KRAMER
Me?
GEORGE
You
KRAMER
No.
GEORGE
Kramer,
KRAMER
Well, now look, just leave me alone.
GEORGE
Well, what is it?
KRAMER
No, don't, don't make me
GEORGE
Wha?
KRAMER
No, I can't, all right I can't ...
GEORGE
Who?
KRAMER
... My mother's a matron!
ELAINE
Babs?
KRAMER
Yeah, there, all right I said it there..
Ya' satisfied? Anything else you
want to know?
GEORGE
Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina
is refunding.
KRAMER
Look, George, I can't help ya, all right.
GEORGE
Why not? Why not?
KRAMER
let me go. let me go. Because I haven't
talked to my mother in five
years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get
into my childhood.
I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.
GEORGE
Come on, Kramer.
KRAMER
I can't I can't
JERRY
Kramer you're going to have to face
her some time
KRAMER
(mumbles) b'd b'd
Doubleday offices
ELAINE
Hello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness.
What happened?
LANDIS
I tore my umeral epicondilitist
ELAINE
Oh
LANDIS
My doctor said it might never fully
heal. I may never play again.
ELAINE
Oh, you'll be playing ...
LANDIS
If I can't play tennis I don't know
what I'll do.
ELAINE
There are plenty of things you can do,
there's chess and uh uh mah jong,
LANDIS
You don't know how lucky you are to
be healthy ...
ELAINE
... and biking and ..
LANDIS
What am I going to do?
ELAINE
... hiking ...
LANDIS
(wimpers)
ELAINE
(sees racquet) Could I ...
LANDIS
If I can't play tennis I have no reason
to live .. (cries)
ELAINE
(sees racquet), You know it's not important
I'm gonna, ok, well, you know.
Take care of that condolitis
Restaurant Woman's Powder Room
Kramer and George enter
KRAMER
Ma?
BABS
Cosmo!
GEORGE
Cosmo?
Jerry's apartment
JERRY
Why didn't you just ask her for it?
ELAINE
I told you I couldn't. The woman was
crying about how she might never
play tennis again
Buzzer
JERRY
Yeah
GEORGE
Hey di ho
JERRY
C'mon up.
JERRY
So when do you have to get the racquet
back to Mr. Pitt?
ELAINE
augh, he's got a big match tomorrow
with Ethyl Kennedy
JERRY
He needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline
to beat Ethyl Kennedy?
ELAINE
He'll only play with his racquet
JERRY
Well, why don't you wait 'til she's
not there on her lunch hour and just
take it?
ELAINE
That's stealing?
JERRY
Stealing? You loaned her the racquet!
ELAINE
I know.
George enters
GEORGE
Hey oh.
ELAINE
JERRY: Hey
JERRY
So what happened with Kramer's mother?
GEORGE
It's all worked out. Nina and I will
have dinner Thursday at the restaurant
where Babs works.
JERRY
What's she like?
GEORGE
Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I
was there I uh happened to pick up
another juicy little nugget about our friend.
ELAINE
Ah, I'm ready what?
JERRY
What is it?
GEORGE
I uh got the first name.
ELAINE
You found out Kramer's first name?
GEORGE
That's right. You ready?
JERRY
We've been trying to get it out of him
for ten years. What is it?
GEORGE
Cosmo
ELAINE
JERRY: Cosmo?
GEORGE
Cosmo
ELAINE
JERRY: Cosmo
- all laugh -
ELAINE
Cosmo, Cosmo?
Kramer enters
KRAMER
What's so funny? ... wha?
ELAINE
COSMO?
KRAMER
All right, OK So you the name now. The
cat is .a a a .. out of the bag.
J; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping
it a secret all these
years.
ELAINE
It's not such a bad name.
KRAMER
Well you know all my life I've been
running away from that name.
That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about
it. All this time
I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm
Cosmo Jerry.
I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on
that's who
I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!
X's apartment
LAURA
Yes?
JERRY
Hi, is Sandy here?
LAURA
Hi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the
shower. Do you want to come in?
JERRY
I would except I forgot to bring a towel.
LAURA
(laughs nicely)
Monks
{Jerry starts.}
JERRY
So the roommate laughed at everything
I said.
GEORGE
Wow.
JERRY
It was a great sounding laugh too, kind
of lilting and feminine--none of
those big coarse "ha's." You know those?
GEORGE
Oh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A.
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Hate the big coarse "ha." Hate those.
JERRY
And the worst part of course is that
she also possessed many of the
other qualities prized by the Superficial Man.
GEORGE
I see.
JERRY
So as you can see, I've got a bit of
a problem here.
GEORGE
Well, if I hear you correctly--and I
think that I do--my advice to you
is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never
mention
this to anyone again.
JERRY
Can't be done, huh?
GEORGE
The Switch?
JERRY
"The Switch."
GEORGE
Can't be done.
JERRY
I wonder.
GEORGE
Do you realize in the entire history
of western civilization no one has
successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle
Ages you
could get locked up for even suggesting it!
JERRY
They didn't have roommates in the Middle
Ages.
GEORGE
Well, I'm sure at some point between
the years 800 and
1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.
JERRY
The point is I intend to undertake this.
And I'll do it with or without
you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for
this, let's
get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can
get on
board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?
GEORGE
All right, dammit, I'm in.
JERRY
I couldn't do it without you.
GEORGE
All right. Let's get to work.
{Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after
we've
seen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the
sidewalks
of NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their
discussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.}
GEORGE
All right. That's enough for today.
You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see
you first thing in the morning.
JERRY
Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding?
It's impossible! It's true! You
can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid
idea to
begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and
that's
that!
GEORGE
We'll come up with something.
JERRY
Yeah, sure we will.
GEORGE
All right. See you tomorrow. {George
sighs, exits.}
{Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.}
GEORGE
I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!
{Commercial, then "third scene,"The boys are finishing pizza
and beer.
George begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got
it. (Be
sure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.)}
GEORGE
All right. Let's go over it again, one
more time.
JERRY
All right. So I tell Sandy that I want
to have a ménage à trois with her
and her roommate.
GEORGE
That's right.
JERRY
And you believe this course of action
will have a two-pronged effect.
Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil
in
disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from
the
premises.
GEORGE
Keep going.
JERRY
At this point, it is inevitable that
she will seek out the roommate to
apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.
GEORGE
Continue.
JERRY
The roommate will then offer her friend
the requisite sympathy even as
part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion
in
the unusual request.
{George takes over.}
GEORGE
A few days go by and a call is placed
at a time when Sandy is known to
be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with
a little
playful humor, which she (Laura) of course cannot resist, an
invitation
to a friendly dinner is proffered.
JERRY
Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good.
There's only one flaw in it:
They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's
back.
She's not gonna do that.
{Another pregnant pause. George?}
GEORGE
You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy
wants nothing to do with you. She
tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert,
that's
your problem."
{Final pause. Jerry?}
JERRY
It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So
devious. Yet so simple.
GEORGE
{George, finger in the peanut butter
jar}: This is what I do.
Doubleday
Elaine surreptitiously enters office and takes racquet.
KEITH
Can I help you?
ELAINE
Uh, no, I'm OK.
KEITH
Well then what are you doing with that
racquet?
ELAINE
Um, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed
it.
KEITH
Well, I'm sorry you can't take that,
no no no..
ELAINE
No no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's
my racquet.
KEITH
Look sweetheart I don't know who you
are. I don't know what you're doing
here. But...
ELAINE
All right. I'm going I'm going
KEITH
Not with ...
ELAINE
Give it give it ..
KEITH
Leave ...
ELAINE
All right all right forget it. You don't
have to mention any of this to
Miss. Landis do you?
KEITH
I don't have to but I will.
Street
Babs and Kramer
CLOTWORTHY
Morning Cosmo
KRAMER
Hi Mr. Clotworthy
CLOTWORTHY
How are you today?
KRAMER
Ah couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine.
LANDIS
Hi Cosmo
KRAMER
My mom Babs.
LANDIS
Hi Mrs. Kramer
BABS
Lorraine
KRAMER
Yes, It's a fine day
UNSEEN
(Larry David's voice) What do you say
Cosmo?
KRAMER
Hey, everything my man.
Sandy's apartment
SANDY
What:
JERRY
You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation
but I believe its
Manage A Trois.
SANDY
Oooo, that is a wild idea
JERRY
Uh?
Monks
Kramer and Babs
KRAMER
You ma, know I've been thinking. I want
you to quit that matron job.
BABS
Yes, well isn't that just easy for you
to say. What the hell do you think
I'm going to do with myself?
KRAMER
Well maybe we could go into business
together. If you're clean?
BABS
I've been clean for two years. Anyway
what would we do together?
KRAMER
I've got plenty of ideas.
BABS
I've always believed in you Cosmo. You
know that. So I want you to
call that place today and tell then tha you're through.
BABS
All right. I'll do it.
Restaurant
George and Nina
NINA
Mmmm mm so good.
GEORGE
... so glad.
NINA
Will you excuse me I've got to freshen
up.
GEORGE
And why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay
fresh
WOMAN
I'll be back. I'm not feeling very well.
WAITRESS
Care to see our dessert menu?
GEORGE
Uh, yeah. Do you know Babs?
WAITRESS
Oh, yeah I was sorry to hear she left.
GEORGE
Babs left?
WAITRESS
She quit today.
George runs to bathroom and hears retching sounds.
George enters woman's bathroom
GEORGE
Ah Ha.
NINA
What are you doing here George?
GEORGE
I was just wondering what it was you
wanted for dessert.
Nina leaves - woman exits stall
GEORGE
How 'ya feelin'?
Street
Newman and Babs
BABS
Hi Newman
NEWMAN
Hi Babs
BABS
What are you doin'
NEWMAN
Minding my own business.
BABS
You'll never get into trouble that way.
NEWMAN
What makes you think I'm lookin' for
trouble?
BABS
From what I hear you postmen don't have
to look too far.
NEWMAN
ha ha ha Well you know sometimes it
just has a way of
finding you. Cigarette?
BABS
Don't mind if I do.
Jerry's Apoartment
George knocking on Kramer's door yelling Kramer...
Jerry opens his door.
JERRY
Hey
George enters
GEORGE
What happened to Babs. She never showed
up last night.
The whole thing blew up in my face.
JERRY
Ah, that's a shame.
GEORGE
Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot
all about it.
Did you call her?
JERRY
Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.
GEORGE
So what happened? She throw you out?
Eh?
JERRY
No actually, she took it pretty well.
GEORGE
So what happened?
JERRY
She's into it.
GEORGE
Into what?
JERRY
The manage. And not only that. She just
called me and said
she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage
too.
GEORGE
That's unbelievable.
JERRY
Oh, it's a scene man.
GEORGE
Do you ever just get down on your knees
and thank god that
you know me and have access to my dementia?
JERRY
What are you talking about? I'm not
goin' to do it.
GEORGE
You're not goin to do it? What do you
mean, You're not goin
to do it?
JERRY
I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.
GEORGE
Are you crazy? This is like discovering
Plutonium ... by accident.
JERRY
Don't you know what it means to become
an orgy guy? It changes
everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different.
I'd have to
grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd
need a new
bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and
weirdo lighting.
I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.
... Naw, I'm not ready for it.
GEORGE
If only something like that could happen
to me.
JERRY
Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.
GEORGE
I know.
Elaine enters
JERRY
Hey, what happened? Did you get your
racquet?
ELAINE
No, I got caught.
JERRY
What do you mean you got caught?
ELAINE
Her assistant caught me. And now I'm
probably not going to get a job.
He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office.
JERRY
I still don't understand how you can
get in trouble for taking your own
racquet.
ELAINE
Meanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match
with Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon.
Kramer enters
KRAMER
Hey.
JERRY
Hi Cosmo.
ELAINE
Hi Cosmo
KRAMER
Thanks man.
JERRY
Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet?
KRAMER
Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation.
Went to Baltimore.
JERRY
Hum, but you've got the key to his place
right?
KRAMER
Yeah
JERRY
Well Elaine needs to borrow his racquet.
Just for today.
KRAMER
All right all right. Come on I'll take
you over to Newman's
GEORGE
Hey, Cosmo what happened to your mother
last night. She hung me
out to dry.
KRAMER
She quit.
GEORGE
It would have been nice if someone told
me about it. I just think you
could have said something. That's all.
Trying to enter newman's apartment
KRAMER
Don't talk to me George, talk to her.
GEORGE
Well where is she?
KRAMER
I don't know.
They enter Newman's apartment - Babs and Newman on the couch.
KRAMER
Ma!
BABS
Cosmo!
NEWMAN
We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?
THE END
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