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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE SWITCH



                             Written by

                    Bruce Kirschbaum & Sam Kass




 
               
               
               (Pro shop at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club)

               
                             JERRY
               Come on. Lets go

               
                             ELAINE
               No wait, I gotta go in here and pick 
               up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's it doin here?

               
                             ELAINE
               He wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk) 
               Here I need to pick that up
 
               
               
               
               
               
                             LANDIS
               Hello

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Hi.

               
                             LANDIS
               Jocylin Landis from Doubleday. I interviewed 
               you for a position
 
               
               a couple of months ago.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they 
               giggle)
 
               
                             LANDIS
               I was watching you play

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I'm not very good.

               
                             LANDIS
               No. You exhibited a lot of grace out 
               there.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really? Grace?

               
                             LANDIS
               Yes. So have you found anything yet?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, no. Not really.

               
                             LANDIS
               You know you should keep in touch. Something 
               may be opening
 
               
               up in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Newman plays tennis?

               
                             JERRY
               He's fantastic.

               
                             LANDIS
               Would you mind if I tried this out?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, no ... take it.

               
                             LANDIS
               How will you get it back?

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, I could come by your office and 
               pick it up tomorrow.
 
               
                             LANDIS
               That's so generous of you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Thanks

               
                             JERRY
               You loaned her Pitt's racquet?

               
               E What could I do? She said there might be something for me at 
               Doubleday.
 
               
               Oh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt 
               anymore.
 
               
                             SANDY
               I gotta get going.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong. 
               It's easier to jump over the net.
 
               
               
                             SANDY
               (nods silently)

               
                             ELAINE
               Bye

               
                             JERRY
               Bye bye

               
                             ELAINE
               Have you noticed she never laughs

               
                             JERRY
               Hm, really?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah

               
               Kramer and George on street

               
                             GEORGE
               Check that out (showing newspaper)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa, you're dating this woman?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's right.

               
                             KRAMER
               George, you're becoming one of the gliterratti
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What's that.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ya' know, people who glitter. She's 
               a slim gal.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And the amazing thing is she eats like 
               there's no tomorra'.
 
               
               I mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything.
 
               
               
               I don't know how she does it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Maybe she's bulimic

               
                             GEORGE
               Wa?

               
                             KRAMER
               Bulimic,

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, she's a model.

               
                             KRAMER
               Exactly

               
                             GEORGE
               I have noticed she does tend to go to 
               the bathroom right after
 
               
               we finish eating.

               
                             KRAMER
               There you go monkey boy.

               
               
               
               Pepperdella's Restaurant

               
                             NINA
               Mmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm. Aren't 
               you hungry?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Just enjoying watching you.

               
               Other restaurant

               
                             SANDY
               So did you like the movie?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't 
               seem quite right to me.
 
               
               I missed the sport jacket.

               
                             SANDY
               (nods silently)

               
                             JERRY
               Not that it was that nice of a jacket. 
               I mean it didn't fit him
 
               
               that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a 
               blazer.
 
               
               It shows at least he's making an effort.

               
                             SANDY
               (nods silently) That's funny.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm glad you enjoyed it.

               
               Pepperdella's Restaurant

               
                             NINA
               Oh, I'm so full.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, full. I love to be full ... love 
               to sit back, loosen the
 
               
               old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their 
               work.
 
               
                             NINA
               Will you excuse me.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where you going?

               
                             NINA
               I just need to freshen up.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're fresh (grabs her arm) You're 
               very fresh. You seem
 
               
               very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any 
               fresher.
 
               
                             NINA
               George I need to freshen., George, George, 
               George ...
 
               
               Jerry's Apartment

               
                             JERRY
               It was unbelievable. You're right the 
               jokes kept bouncing off her
 
               
               like superman.

               
                             ELAINE
               See, what did I tell ya?

               
                             JERRY
               And even when she did like something, 
               she doesn't laugh. She
 
               
               says, "That's funny." ... That's funny!

               
                             ELAINE
               Oo, I better call that woman at Doubleday 
               and see when I can
 
               
               pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean how can I be with someone that 
               doesn't laugh. It's like ...
 
               
               well it's like something!

               
                             ELAINE
               (on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss. 
               Landis there please.
 
               
               Wa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to 
               Jerry)
 
               
               This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad.
 
               
               
               George enters

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I heard a noise.

               
                             JERRY
               What noise?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, .. blah ...

               
                             JERRY
               What blah?

               
                             GEORGE
               From the bathroom.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you think she was refunding?

               
                             GEORGE
               Every time we go out to eat the minute 
               we we're done eating
 
               
               she's runnin to the bathroom.

               
                             ELAINE
               So you're concerned.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm 
               payin' for those meals.
 
               
               It's like throwing money down the toilet.

               
                             JERRY
               In a manner of speaking.

               
                             GEORGE
               Let me digest it. Let me get my money's 
               worth. Y'know what
 
               
               would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that 
               could tell me.
 
               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             KRAMER
               Here's your scrubber back.

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those 
               women that hand out the
 
               
               towels in the powder room.

               
                             JERRY
               A matron?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah

               
               Kramer nervously waves at to stop Jerry talking.

               
                             JERRY
               uh, well I can't help you there (weakly).
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Wha?

               
                             KRAMER
               Nothin'

               
                             GEORGE
               You know a matron?

               
                             KRAMER
               Me?

               
                             GEORGE
               You

               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer,

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, now look, just leave me alone.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, what is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, don't, don't make me

               
                             GEORGE
               Wha?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I can't, all right I can't ...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Who?

               
                             KRAMER
               ... My mother's a matron!

               
                             ELAINE
               Babs?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, there, all right I said it there.. 
               Ya' satisfied? Anything else you
 
               
               want to know?

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina 
               is refunding.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Look, George, I can't help ya, all right.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why not? Why not?

               
                             KRAMER
               let me go. let me go. Because I haven't 
               talked to my mother in five
 
               
               years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get 
               into my childhood.
 
               
               I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on, Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               I can't I can't

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer you're going to have to face 
               her some time
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (mumbles) b'd b'd

               
               Doubleday offices

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness. 
               What happened?
 
               
                             LANDIS
               I tore my umeral epicondilitist

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh

               
                             LANDIS
               My doctor said it might never fully 
               heal. I may never play again.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, you'll be playing ...

               
                             LANDIS
               If I can't play tennis I don't know 
               what I'll do.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               There are plenty of things you can do, 
               there's chess and uh uh mah jong,
 
               
               
                             LANDIS
               You don't know how lucky you are to 
               be healthy ...
 
               
                             ELAINE
               ... and biking and ..

               
                             LANDIS
               What am I going to do?

               
                             ELAINE
               ... hiking ...

               
                             LANDIS
               (wimpers)

               
                             ELAINE
               (sees racquet) Could I ...

               
                             LANDIS
               If I can't play tennis I have no reason 
               to live .. (cries)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (sees racquet), You know it's not important 
               I'm gonna, ok, well, you know.
 
               
               Take care of that condolitis

               
               Restaurant Woman's Powder Room

               
               Kramer and George enter

               
                             KRAMER
               Ma?

               
                             BABS
               Cosmo!

               
                             GEORGE
               Cosmo?

               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment

               
                             JERRY
               Why didn't you just ask her for it?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I told you I couldn't. The woman was 
               crying about how she might never
 
               
               play tennis again

               
               Buzzer

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey di ho

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon up.

               
                             JERRY
               So when do you have to get the racquet 
               back to Mr. Pitt?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               augh, he's got a big match tomorrow 
               with Ethyl Kennedy
 
               
                             JERRY
               He needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline 
               to beat Ethyl Kennedy?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He'll only play with his racquet

               
                             JERRY
               Well, why don't you wait 'til she's 
               not there on her lunch hour and just
 
               
               
               take it?

               
                             ELAINE
               That's stealing?

               
                             JERRY
               Stealing? You loaned her the racquet!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I know.

               
               George enters

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey oh.

               
                             ELAINE
               JERRY: Hey

               
                             JERRY
               So what happened with Kramer's mother?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's all worked out. Nina and I will 
               have dinner Thursday at the restaurant
 
               
               
               where Babs works.

               
                             JERRY
               What's she like?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I 
               was there I uh happened to pick up
 
               
               
               another juicy little nugget about our friend.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, I'm ready what?

               
                             JERRY
               What is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I uh got the first name.

               
                             ELAINE
               You found out Kramer's first name?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's right. You ready?

               
                             JERRY
               We've been trying to get it out of him 
               for ten years. What is it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Cosmo

               
                             ELAINE
               JERRY: Cosmo?

               
                             GEORGE
               Cosmo

               
                             ELAINE
               JERRY: Cosmo

               
               - all laugh -

               
                             ELAINE
               Cosmo, Cosmo?

               
               Kramer enters

               
                             KRAMER
               What's so funny? ... wha?

               
                             ELAINE
               COSMO?

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, OK So you the name now. The 
               cat is .a a a .. out of the bag.
 
               
               J; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping 
               it a secret all these
 
               
               years.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's not such a bad name.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well you know all my life I've been 
               running away from that name.
 
               
               That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about 
               it. All this time
 
               
               I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm 
               Cosmo Jerry.
 
               
               I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on 
               that's who
 
               
               I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!

               
               X's apartment

               
                             LAURA
               Yes?

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, is Sandy here?

               
                             LAURA
               Hi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the 
               shower. Do you want to come in?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I would except I forgot to bring a towel.
 
               
               
                             LAURA
               (laughs nicely)

               
               Monks

               
               {Jerry starts.}

               
                             JERRY
               So the roommate laughed at everything 
               I said.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wow.

               
                             JERRY
               It was a great sounding laugh too, kind 
               of lilting and feminine--none of
 
               
               those big coarse "ha's." You know those?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hate the big coarse "ha." Hate those.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               And the worst part of course is that 
               she also possessed many of the
 
               
               other qualities prized by the Superficial Man.

               
                             GEORGE
               I see.

               
                             JERRY
               So as you can see, I've got a bit of 
               a problem here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, if I hear you correctly--and I 
               think that I do--my advice to you
 
               
               
               is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never 
               mention
 
               
               this to anyone again.

               
                             JERRY
               Can't be done, huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               The Switch?

               
                             JERRY
               "The Switch."

               
                             GEORGE
               Can't be done.

               
                             JERRY
               I wonder.

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you realize in the entire history 
               of western civilization no one has
 
               
               
               successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle 
               Ages you
 
               
               could get locked up for even suggesting it!

               
                             JERRY
               They didn't have roommates in the Middle 
               Ages.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'm sure at some point between 
               the years 800 and
 
               
               1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.

               
                             JERRY
               The point is I intend to undertake this. 
               And I'll do it with or without
 
               
               you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for 
               this, let's
 
               
               get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can 
               get on
 
               
               board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, dammit, I'm in.

               
                             JERRY
               I couldn't do it without you.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. Let's get to work.

               
               {Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after 
               we've
 
               
               seen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the 
               sidewalks
 
               
               of NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their
 
               
               
               discussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.}

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. That's enough for today. 
               You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see
 
               
               
               you first thing in the morning.

               
                             JERRY
               Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? 
               It's impossible! It's true! You
 
               
               can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid 
               idea to
 
               
               begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and 
               that's
 
               
               that!

               
                             GEORGE
               We'll come up with something.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, sure we will.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. See you tomorrow. {George 
               sighs, exits.}
 
               
               {Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.}

               
                             GEORGE
               I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!

               
               {Commercial, then "third scene,"The boys are finishing pizza 
               and beer.
 
               
               George begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got 
               it. (Be
 
               
               sure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.)}
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right. Let's go over it again, one 
               more time.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right. So I tell Sandy that I want 
               to have a ménage à trois with her
 
               
               
               and her roommate.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's right.

               
                             JERRY
               And you believe this course of action 
               will have a two-pronged effect.
 
               
               Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil 
               in
 
               
               disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from 
               the
 
               
               premises.

               
                             GEORGE
               Keep going.

               
                             JERRY
               At this point, it is inevitable that 
               she will seek out the roommate to
 
               
               
               apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.

               
                             GEORGE
               Continue.

               
                             JERRY
               The roommate will then offer her friend 
               the requisite sympathy even as
 
               
               part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion 
               in
 
               
               the unusual request.

               
               {George takes over.}

               
                             GEORGE
               A few days go by and a call is placed 
               at a time when Sandy is known to
 
               
               be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with 
               a little
 
               
               playful humor, which she (Laura) of course cannot resist, an 
               invitation
 
               
               to a friendly dinner is proffered.

               
                             JERRY
               Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. 
               There's only one flaw in it:
 
               
               They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's 
               back.
 
               
               She's not gonna do that.

               
               {Another pregnant pause. George?}

               
                             GEORGE
               You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy 
               wants nothing to do with you. She
 
               
               
               tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert, 
               that's
 
               
               your problem."

               
               {Final pause. Jerry?}

               
                             JERRY
               It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So 
               devious. Yet so simple.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               {George, finger in the peanut butter 
               jar}: This is what I do.
 
               
               Doubleday

               
               Elaine surreptitiously enters office and takes racquet.

               
                             KEITH
               Can I help you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, no, I'm OK.

               
                             KEITH
               Well then what are you doing with that 
               racquet?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Um, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed 
               it.
 
               
                             KEITH
               Well, I'm sorry you can't take that, 
               no no no..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's 
               my racquet.
 
               
                             KEITH
               Look sweetheart I don't know who you 
               are. I don't know what you're doing
 
               
               
               here. But...

               
                             ELAINE
               All right. I'm going I'm going

               
                             KEITH
               Not with ...

               
                             ELAINE
               Give it give it ..

               
                             KEITH
               Leave ...

               
                             ELAINE
               All right all right forget it. You don't 
               have to mention any of this to
 
               
               Miss. Landis do you?

               
                             KEITH
               I don't have to but I will.

               
               Street

               
               Babs and Kramer

               
                             CLOTWORTHY
               Morning Cosmo

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi Mr. Clotworthy

               
                             CLOTWORTHY
               How are you today?

               
                             KRAMER
               Ah couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine.
 
               
               
                             LANDIS
               Hi Cosmo

               
                             KRAMER
               My mom Babs.

               
                             LANDIS
               Hi Mrs. Kramer

               
                             BABS
               Lorraine

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, It's a fine day

               
                             UNSEEN
               (Larry David's voice) What do you say 
               Cosmo?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, everything my man.

               
               Sandy's apartment

               
                             SANDY
               What:

               
                             JERRY
               You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation 
               but I believe its
 
               
               Manage A Trois.

               
                             SANDY
               Oooo, that is a wild idea

               
                             JERRY
               Uh?

               
               Monks

               
               Kramer and Babs

               
                             KRAMER
               You ma, know I've been thinking. I want 
               you to quit that matron job.
 
               
                             BABS
               Yes, well isn't that just easy for you 
               to say. What the hell do you think
 
               
               
               I'm going to do with myself?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well maybe we could go into business 
               together. If you're clean?
 
               
                             BABS
               I've been clean for two years. Anyway 
               what would we do together?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I've got plenty of ideas.

               
                             BABS
               I've always believed in you Cosmo. You 
               know that. So I want you to
 
               
               call that place today and tell then tha you're through.

               
                             BABS
               All right. I'll do it.

               
               
               
               Restaurant

               
               George and Nina

               
                             NINA
               Mmmm mm so good.

               
                             GEORGE
               ... so glad.

               
                             NINA
               Will you excuse me I've got to freshen 
               up.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               And why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay 
               fresh
 
               
                             WOMAN
               I'll be back. I'm not feeling very well.
 
               
               
                             WAITRESS
               Care to see our dessert menu?

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, yeah. Do you know Babs?

               
                             WAITRESS
               Oh, yeah I was sorry to hear she left.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Babs left?

               
                             WAITRESS
               She quit today.

               
               George runs to bathroom and hears retching sounds.

               
               George enters woman's bathroom

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah Ha.

               
                             NINA
               What are you doing here George?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was just wondering what it was you 
               wanted for dessert.
 
               
               Nina leaves - woman exits stall

               
                             GEORGE
               How 'ya feelin'?

               
               Street

               
               Newman and Babs

               
                             BABS
               Hi Newman

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hi Babs

               
                             BABS
               What are you doin'

               
                             NEWMAN
               Minding my own business.

               
                             BABS
               You'll never get into trouble that way.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               What makes you think I'm lookin' for 
               trouble?
 
               
                             BABS
               From what I hear you postmen don't have 
               to look too far.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               ha ha ha Well you know sometimes it 
               just has a way of
 
               
               finding you. Cigarette?

               
                             BABS
               Don't mind if I do.

               
               Jerry's Apoartment

               
               George knocking on Kramer's door yelling Kramer...

               
               Jerry opens his door.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey

               
               George enters

               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to Babs. She never showed 
               up last night.
 
               
               The whole thing blew up in my face.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, that's a shame.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot 
               all about it.
 
               
               Did you call her?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So what happened? She throw you out? 
               Eh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No actually, she took it pretty well.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So what happened?

               
                             JERRY
               She's into it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Into what?

               
                             JERRY
               The manage. And not only that. She just 
               called me and said
 
               
               she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage 
               too.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               That's unbelievable.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it's a scene man.

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you ever just get down on your knees 
               and thank god that
 
               
               you know me and have access to my dementia?

               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about? I'm not 
               goin' to do it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're not goin to do it? What do you 
               mean, You're not goin
 
               
               to do it?

               
                             JERRY
               I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

               
                             GEORGE
               Are you crazy? This is like discovering 
               Plutonium ... by accident.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't you know what it means to become 
               an orgy guy? It changes
 
               
               everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. 
               I'd have to
 
               
               grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd 
               need a new
 
               
               bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and 
               weirdo lighting.
 
               
               I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.

               
               ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.

               
                             GEORGE
               If only something like that could happen 
               to me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I know.

               
               Elaine enters

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what happened? Did you get your 
               racquet?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I got caught.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean you got caught?

               
                             ELAINE
               Her assistant caught me. And now I'm 
               probably not going to get a job.
 
               
               He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I still don't understand how you can 
               get in trouble for taking your own
 
               
               
               racquet.

               
                             ELAINE
               Meanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match 
               with Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon.
 
               
               
               Kramer enters

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Cosmo.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi Cosmo

               
                             KRAMER
               Thanks man.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation. 
               Went to Baltimore.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hum, but you've got the key to his place 
               right?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah

               
                             JERRY
               Well Elaine needs to borrow his racquet. 
               Just for today.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right all right. Come on I'll take 
               you over to Newman's
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Cosmo what happened to your mother 
               last night. She hung me
 
               
               out to dry.

               
                             KRAMER
               She quit.

               
                             GEORGE
               It would have been nice if someone told 
               me about it. I just think you
 
               
               could have said something. That's all.

               
               Trying to enter newman's apartment

               
                             KRAMER
               Don't talk to me George, talk to her.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well where is she?

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know.

               
               They enter Newman's apartment - Babs and Newman on the couch.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ma!

               
                             BABS
               Cosmo!

               
                             NEWMAN
               We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?

               
               
                             THE END




The Switch



Writers :   Bruce Kirschbaum  Sam Kass
Genres :   Comedy


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