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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE TAPE



                             Written by

                 Larry David, Bob Shaw & Don McEnery




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               ....hair that was on your shower soap 
               today could be in your head tomorrow. 
               How did they do the first transplant?
 
               
               
               Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it 
               in there by helicopter, you know
 
               
               keep the soap alive on the soap support system ....looks it over. 
               "We got the hair but I think we lost
 
               
               the Zest."

               
               ....rejects the transplant with organs.

               
               Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant . 
               Guy just standin' there and suddenly...
 
               
               ..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)........lands in 
               someone's frozen yogurt.
 
               
               Jerry's apartment. A repairman is working on his fridge , Jerry 
               doing work with headphones on.
 
               
                             REPAIRMAN
               .....The gaskets that you have here 
               are asymmetrical.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely 
               listening to him )
 
               
                             REPAIRMAN
               So I took off the motor relay on the 
               compressor....'cos you..you (stutters) 
               you've got some discoloration
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! well whatever you have to do.

               
                             REPAIRMAN
               I was working with one.....mount at 
               a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb 
               the position of the compressor.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (sarcastically) No you don't..

               
               George enters the apartment.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! what are listening to?

               
                             JERRY
               My show from last night.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh! you taped it?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah , I was doing new material.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the 
               toes that I said .
 
               
                             JERRY
               Huh?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain 
               of the toes, but sometimes the toe next 
               to the big toe gets so
 
               
               big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes 
               control of the foot.
 
               
                             JERRY
               The" coup dé-toe"

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Did you do it?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               So?

               
                             JERRY
               Nothin'.....nothing at all.

               
                             GEORGE
               Need to use the phone.

               
                             JERRY
               Who you calling?

               
                             GEORGE
               China.

               
                             JERRY
               China really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I'll pay for it.

               
                             JERRY
               What for?

               
                             GEORGE
               What for? . I'll tell you what for.... 
               for hair.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hair?

               
                             GEORGE
               The Chinese have done it my friend . 
               The Chinese have done it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Done what?

               
                             GEORGE
               Discovered a cure for baldness.

               
                             REPAIRMAN
               Did you see that last night?

               
                             GEORGE
               It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and 
               he is taping from a Camcorder) This 
               Chinese doctor Zeng Zau.
 
               
               has discovered a cure for baldness.

               
                             JERRY
               ( to Kramer) What's this?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I just got it. Spector gave it 
               to me , he's giving everything away...becoming 
               a minimalist.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Is that the guy who likes fat women?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with 
               the minimalism.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               ( to George) You , you know what you 
               should've done is watching that report 
               on CNN last night.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I did, I'm trying to call China.

               
                             KRAMER
               You can't call China now its like, what, 
               three 'O clock in the morning there
 
               
               
               Jerry; Oh! my God!....

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!! 
               I can't believe what I'm hearing. This 
               woman his talking to
 
               
               me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've 
               never heard anything like this in my life.
 
               
               Listen to this.

               
                             GEORGE
               (George puts on the headphones) Oh! 
               my god...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Give me it..( tries to pull them off 
               George's head)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know . I have no idea . I was 
               just listening and she came on.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is like a Penthouse letter...Why 
               can't I meet women like this?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right Come on....again attempts 
               to pull headphones off)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where 
               was the tape recorder?
 
               
                             JERRY
               It was in the back of the room on the 
               left, she must have been sitting right 
               in front of it.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               My god!!!

               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon it's my turn.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, All right, all, right!!( 
               gives the headphones to Kramer) How 
               you gonna find out who this is?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Good question.

               
                             KRAMER
               Where's the volume..(finds it) A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!!
 
               
               
               
               
               Cut to Monks

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What do the Chinese have to gain by 
               faking a cure for baldness?
 
               
                             JERRY
               If it was real ,they would never let 
               it out of the country. No baldness , 
               it'd be like a nation of Supermen.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi boys.

               
                             BOTH
               Hello...

               
                             ELAINE
               What's happening?

               
                             JERRY
               Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               This woman left this really sexy message 
               on Jerry's tape recorder......
 
               
                             JERRY
               (pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What??

               
                             JERRY
               The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I thought you meant the..

               
                             JERRY
               No I meant the bald cure. We were talking 
               about the bald cure.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What did she say?

               
                             PETER
               Seinfeld.....( from way in the back 
               of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device 
               to have Jerry leave the
 
               
               table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk)

               
                             JERRY
               Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe 
               it. Get me a cup of Decaf.( leaves table)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So did you hear this message?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh!, he he, It was unbelievable

               
                             ELAINE
               Really!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. I can't get over it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh! Sexy?

               
                             GEORGE
               This woman drove us out of our minds
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Like ...humm...How did she sound?

               
                             GEORGE
               She had this throaty , sexy kind of 
               whisper.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Really , like a... like a....(leans 
               over to George and whispers) Jerry, 
               I want to slide my tongue
 
               
               around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa.....

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh! my God!!......You?.....You?...That 
               was you?....
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Shhhhhh!!!

               
                             GEORGE
               how did ya?...

               
                             ELAINE
               I stopped at the club to see him and 
               I was standing in the back while he 
               was on, right?,
 
               
               and there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse. 
               Ha Ha Ha Ha....What?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh! no no nothing....

               
                             ELAINE
               Now listen , promise me you won't tell 
               him Okay.I want to have a little fun 
               with this.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I had no Idea you were filled with such....sexuality..
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! That was nothing. So listen, what 
               about this bald thing?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I 
               dunno. It's nothing
 
               
               
               
               Jerry comes back

               
                             JERRY
               Remember Peter?

               
                             GEORGE
               Peter?

               
                             JERRY
               You remember Peter. remember I told 
               you how he went to the track that one 
               time and he was yelling at this
 
               
               jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So listen , what about this girl on 
               the tape recorder?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured 
               female fan of mine might say?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               She went on in some detail about certain 
               activities, illegal in some states, 
               for consenting adults.
 
               
               Things you would know very little about.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! really.

               
                             JERRY
               Well this type of things is very common 
               when you're in show business.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what, Are you gonna ask her out.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No I can't she didn't leave her name 
               or number.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Bummer...Okay , good luck finding her 
               . I'm taking off.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Wh.. Where you going?

               
                             ELAINE
               Home.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why you going home for?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well , I just came from the gym , unless 
               I can shower at your place.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sure.

               
               
               
               
               
               Back to Jerry's

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh! my god. Oh! man...

               
                             JERRY
               I don't get it. Why would a woman do 
               that and then leave no way to get in 
               touch with her.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) 
               May be she realized she could never 
               have you and she jumped off
 
               
               the George Washington Bridge.

               
                             GEORGE
               (phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why are you doing this?

               
                             GEORGE
               Why do I do anything? tsss...For women.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine have you ever gone out with a 
               bald man?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               You know what that makes you?...A baldist.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is 
               this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does 
               anyone speak English?
 
               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               ( to Kramer who just got in with his 
               camcorder) Ooooh! You're taping.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Just be yourselves. ( Elaine plays with 
               her hair flirtingly)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Aah! Okaaay.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well we're talking with Elaine Benes; 
               Adult film star on the set of her new 
               picture "Elaine does the Upper
 
               
               West side"

               
                             ELAINE
               ( to the camera) Hi. How 're you doin'?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm doin' fine.

               
                             GEORGE
               Do you speak English?...English!!

               
                             KRAMER
               Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld 
               . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well yes I did that's true. A couple 
               of a guys I knew in the coastguard told 
               me about her.... and I sensed
 
               
               that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this 
               film work.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               English. Does anybody speak English 
               .Nobody speaks English.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So What scene are you ready to shoot 
               now , Elaine?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               In this scene my co-star who's right 
               over here ( goes over to George who 
               is still on the phone)
 
               
               Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot 
               who's just returned from Rome
 
               
               and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.

               
               Door buzzer rings

               
                             KRAMER
               That's my Chinese food...So George is 
               this your first movie with Elaine?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (visibly disturbed) I...I..I dunno.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               So Elaine in your movies is the sex 
               real or is it simulated?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh. it's always simulated....except 
               with George that's in my contract.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, Kramer that's it.....( pushes 
               the camera) Hello . English. Does anyone 
               speak English
 
               
                             KRAMER
               ( to the Chinese delivery boy) How much 
               do I owe you?
 
               
                             PING
               $15.90.

               
                             KRAMER
               $15.90.?

               
                             GEORGE
               Huh. Excuse me (to Ping) Hum... Do you 
               speak chinese?
 
               
                             PING
               Chinese....Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Look...humm..I'm on with Beijing with 
               the hair restauration clinic. Could 
               you talk to them for
 
               
               me and tell them I'd like to place an order.

               
                             PING
               (sounds like) Gwen , Ayon. Wonche son 
               thai gettin my chon fai yu.( looks at 
               George and laughs)
 
               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They got a billion people over there 
               and he found a relative.
 
               
                             PING
               Ah Fuka suma. If you send money they 
               send cream.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does 
               it really work?
 
               
                             PING
               Gym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They 
               say you grow hair, Look a like Stalin
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ask' em Are there any side effects?
 
               
               
                             PING
               Dowe o futo yum.... Impotence. ....( 
               makes a just kidding gesture)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Aw! Funny he's a funny guy.

               
                             PING
               Get a money order from the Bank of China 
               , be here three days after they get 
               check.
 
               
               George leaves all excited.

               
                             PING
               (continues his phone call) Ha Pachini 
               fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin 
               fousher...
 
               
                             JERRY
               ( as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me 
               ( Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive 
               call.
 
               
               
               
               On a street at night in George's car

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Thanks for driving me home. What did 
               I do to deserve this?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yoohoo ,Plenty......Wh..wh..what are 
               doing hum...you're going in?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do 
               something?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               yeah....euh...I dunno What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Pffft....there's really nothing to do.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               ( becoming more and more awkward) Yeah.....
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you think of anything?..

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no....(mumbles)

               
                             ELAINE
               I am up for anything.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really...(he honks the car and is startled, 
               Elaine laughs)......I have to say...You 
               were really good
 
               
               doing that porno thing....you're talented.

               
                             ELAINE
               I was just kiddin, around.......

               
                             GEORGE
               I thought the thing you said about the 
               sex not being simulated . That was really 
               funny.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               ( feeling awkward as well) Yeah! that 
               was a...f...fun ..mmm?.
 
               
               George; So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride.

               
               
               
               Elaine gets out of the car , George tries to catch his breath.
 
               
               
               Back to Jerry's.

               
                             JERRY
               ..She was sitting at the table where 
               I had my tape recorder...Okay great. 
               Thanks again.. bye.
 
               
               HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she 
               think she was gonna leave this incredibly
 
               
               erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not 
               Bloody likely...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What is that?

               
                             JERRY
               That's my cockney accent.

               
                             KRAMER
               Naw ,na , that's no good.

               
                             JERRY
               Lets hear yours.

               
                             KRAMER
               Not bloody likely..

               
                             JERRY
               That's the worst cockney accent I've 
               ever heard in my life.( George enters) 
               Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I
 
               
               got.

               
               George; Guess, what I got.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh! Is that the bald stuff?

               
                             GEORGE
               From China. All the way from China.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Wait,wait wait...Let me get the camera.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No Don't get the camera , we don't need 
               the camera. Listen I know your skeptical 
               , but I really believe
 
               
               in the Chinese.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes I am skeptical.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why do you have to be so suspicious 
               of every one. This is a great man Zeng 
               Zau, he wants to help bald people.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now 
               lets videotape your head for the before 
               picture, so we can watch
 
               
               how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A 
               little bit to the right.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Make sure you get this area here, where 
               he needs the help....
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, all right ( Goes to the bathroom)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               He's a happy camper huh?

               
                             JERRY
               Happy camper , I don't hear that expression 
               enough.
 
               
               Kramer; Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found 
               at my mother's house.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               My mother told me that he got arrested 
               for mail fraud
 
               
                             JERRY
               No kidding?

               
                             KRAMER
               He's in jail.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened to the jacket. Did he 
               take it with him?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               That's what I intend to find out. (George 
               comes out of the bathroom and he's got 
               white cream on his head)
 
               
                             JERRY
               You can see it. You gonna walk around 
               like that?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It stinks. Can you smell that?....You 
               stink.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How long are you suppose to leave it 
               on for?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks 
               up)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             ELAINE
               It's Elaine Marie Benes.

               
                             JERRY
               Well Hello..

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.. so did you ever find out who 
               that woman was?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes , I got her number.

               
                             GEORGE
               Is that Elaine?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               HI ELAINE...

               
                             ELAINE
               I guess you figure you're in for a pretty 
               wild night?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well , as I said this type of thing 
               is very common in show business
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well listen I'm going to (?) do you 
               want me to stop by?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Did she say Hello?

               
                             JERRY
               What? I dunno.

               
                             GEORGE
               I mean , when I said Hello did she say 
               Hello back?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody 
               says hello?
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's coming up.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine's coming up?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs 
               back to the bathroom)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               How often do you cut your toe nails?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I would say every two and a half to 
               eight weeks.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               'cos the other night , you know, I was 
               sleeping with Marion I rolled over and 
               I cut her ankle
 
               
               with my big toe.

               
                             JERRY
               The big toe; The captain.

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
               Jerry; The captain of the toes. ( phone rings) Hello.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much 
               stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, 
               forget it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay....too bad.

               
                             ELAINE
               So humm....When you gonna call her?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Soon as I get off the phone wih you.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Good luck.

               
                             JERRY
               okay , bye ( to George) What happened 
               , did you take it off?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, that was enough.

               
                             JERRY
               That's it, you gave up?

               
                             GEORGE
               No No I'm working on a system...Who 
               was that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               That was Elaine , she changed her mind. 
               She's not coming over.
 
               
               As Jerry dials the girls number, George races to the bathroom 
               one more time.
 
               
                             ALICIA
               Hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry 
               Seinfeld.
 
               
                             ALICIA
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               This is Jerry Seinfeld.

               
               Cuts to commercial. Back to Jerry's after an implied date with 
               Alicia
 
               
                             JERRY
               (to Kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh 
               , everything's nice and at the end of 
               the night I go for
 
               
               a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest 
               things I've ever heard in
 
               
               my life. I get the Pull Back.

               
               Door buzzer

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah..

               
                             GEORGE
               It's George.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's 
               he doing here now?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So , you blew it?

               
                             JERRY
               She must be psychotic or something.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Let me have her number.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not giving you her number.

               
                             KRAMER
               I know how to handle these psychotics.
 
               
               
               George comes in wearing a huge cowboy hat.

               
                             JERRY
               Sheriff?........What's with the hat?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (George takes off the hat , he's got 
               that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy! 
               You stink.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are doing here now?

               
                             GEORGE
               I have to talk to you about something 
               .
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right lets take a look to see what 
               we got ( examines George's head) Wait 
               a second..
 
               
               I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Aahh..No..No..

               
                             JERRY
               What's up?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be 
               back in a ten seconds.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So just start it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for 
               a half hour, he gets lost over there.
 
               
               
               C'mon so what is this about?

               
                             GEORGE
               All right.........I've become attracted 
               to Elaine..
 
               
               Kramer burst in with is video setup.

               
               Kramer; All right....Sit down George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer, can we do this later..

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I got the tape right here.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, let's do this later.

               
                             KRAMER
               (ignoring them) Now.. This is the tape 
               that we made earlier and I think ,that 
               I see. a couple of buds
 
               
               right here.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really? ..You think.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer. I would like to talk to George 
               for a minute, please.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               'bout what?

               
                             JERRY
               It's kinda private.

               
                             KRAMER
               Like the big toe captain..

               
                             GEORGE
               So now you're doing my bits?

               
                             JERRY
               I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!!

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look 
               at this huh!.( leaves)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Does she know?

               
                             GEORGE
               NO!!

               
                             JERRY
               How did it happen?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't say.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, why can't you say it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because I promised her.

               
                             JERRY
               I thought you just said she doesn't 
               know??
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She doesn't.

               
                             JERRY
               So how can you promise her?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because she asked me to.

               
                             JERRY
               What is this, an Abbott and Costello 
               routine?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right You really want to know?...It 
               all started when she told met hat...she 
               was the voice
 
               
               on your tape recorder.

               
                             JERRY
               What, Elaine?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah! She made me promise not to tell 
               you .It's supposed to be a joke.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (picks up the headphones) That was Elaine...
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well let me hear....( they struggle 
               for the headphones)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wait a second. .Just give me a second
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You heard it fifty times already.

               
                             JERRY
               She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have 
               precedence
 
               
               Door Buzzer

               
                             JERRY
               Yeaaaah!!!

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, It's Elaine is this a bad time?
 
               
               
               George grabs his hat and rushes to the bathroom again.

               
                             GEORGE
               ( Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell 
               her anything , she'll kill me!!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay, Okay ,I promise. ( puts on the 
               headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh 
               God..
 
               
               Oh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa ( Elaine enters he takes them 
               off rapidly)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               ( Concerned) What's the matter?

               
                             JERRY
               Oooh! I got a pain in my side.

               
                             ELAINE
               ( to George returning) Hi George. Something 
               stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry, 
               she nods)
 
               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             ELAINE
               I was the one who talked into your tape 
               recorder.
 
               
               Jerry; I know, George told me.

               
               Elaine; You told him!!!!

               
                             GEORGE
               He..He threatened me.

               
                             JERRY
               Where did you come up with all that 
               stuff?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That was nothing.

               
                             GEORGE
               Elaine.. I have to tell you something...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George NO!!

               
                             GEORGE
               No no no no no no no..

               
                             JERRY
               George I'm telling ya..

               
                             ELAINE
               What is it?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm very attracted to you..

               
                             JERRY
               Aye......

               
               Kramer comes in and yells

               
                             KRAMER
               I'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes ( goes up to 
               the video machine and inserts the tape)
 
               
               
               Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ever since I found out that you let 
               that message on Jerry's tape recorder 
               I...
 
               
               Credits start to roll

               
                             KRAMER
               Whoa!!!....That was you?

               
                             ELAINE
               It was a joke...

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait..( picks up the walkman) Oh my 
               god...Oh yeah....Elaine , I can't believe 
               that that is
 
               
               you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Aah.... ( she stares at the three of 
               them all lined up like the Daltons ,all 
               looking at her
 
               
               with lust.) I think I'll get going...

               
                             GEORGE
               Heuh. huh. Stick around a while.

               
                             JERRY
               It's early.

               
                             KRAMER
               We'll order Chinese.

               
               She leaves and they all scramble for the tape recorder.

               
               
               
                             THE END



The Tape



Writers :   Larry David  Bob Shaw  Don McEnery
Genres :   Comedy


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