The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE TICKET



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Enter Kramer with one pant leg on)

               
                             JERRY
               Where the hell did I put this?

               
                             KRAMER
               What are you looking for?

               
                             JERRY
               The remote, the remote, I can't find 
               the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did 
               you take it? Did you put it some place?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, no.

               
               (Jerry notices Kramer's look)

               
                             JERRY
               All right, what is this?

               
                             KRAMER
               what is what?

               
                             JERRY
               All right, very funny. I get it.

               
                             KRAMER
               You're in a weird mood.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on. Go back to your apartment and 
               fix it.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Fix what?

               
                             JERRY
               Your pants!

               
               (Kramer is startled when he realizes his looks)

               
                             KRAMER
               what is this? What have I got one pant 
               leg on for?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't you know? Look-look at your face! 
               You only shaved the right side of your 
               face! What is this? A joke?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... 
               you think this is funny?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Go look at your face in the mirror.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Wha-huh-wha-huh...

               
               (door buzzer)

               
                             JERRY
               yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's George.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up.

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't believe this.

               
                             JERRY
               You mean, you didn't know you were doing 
               any of these things?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I swear.

               
                             JERRY
               I bet this is from that kick from that 
               crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor 
               and get some X-rays.
 
               
               (Enter George)

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah! You're just the man I'm looking 
               for.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Me?

               
               (George hands Kramer a paper)

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, here you go.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's this?

               
                             GEORGE
               A dry-cleaning bill?

               
                             JERRY
               From that woman at NBC?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               A dry-cleaning bill for what?

               
                             GEORGE
               For vomiting on her vest!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, come on George! I didn't do that 
               on purpose!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, neither should I! Jerry's the 
               one who left the milk in the refrigerator.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, your milk.

               
                             JERRY
               He drank it.

               
                             KRAMER
               I didn't know.

               
                             JERRY
               All right, well, we should all chip 
               in I guess.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               How much was it to clean the vest?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Eighteen dollars.

               
                             JERRY
               Can you get vomit out of suede?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yo-yo Ma!

               
                             JERRY
               What? Yo-yo Ma?

               
                             KRAMER
               What about him?

               
                             JERRY
               You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'.

               
                             GEORGE
               What's Yo-yo Ma?

               
                             JERRY
               He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should 
               see a doctor today.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, come on, come on, let's go. 
               Six dollars.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning 
               bill.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I know!

               
                             JERRY
               That doesn't really bode well for the 
               show, does it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The show! Forget about the show! We 
               should take the idea to a different 
               network
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever 
               gonna do this! How did you get me to 
               go along with that? A show about nothing!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It was a good idea. Susan liked it. 
               Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over 
               her, we'd be writing it right now.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Jeez!

               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway.

               
               (Phone rings, Kramer picks up. Answers in Italian.)

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing? What's wrong with 
               you? What're you doing? Give me that 
               phone! Go to your apartment and lie 
               down, I'll make an appointment for a 
               doctor today.
 
               
               (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door 
               neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. 
               What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make 
               it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks 
               a million! Okay, bye.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               NBC! They wanna have another meeting 
               about the idea.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               They wanna have another meeting? They 
               wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! 
               I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What 
               are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty 
               thousand?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know about sixty.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You 
               know how much Ted Danson makes, huh?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing 
               us to Ted Danson?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.'

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh!

               
                             JERRY
               You know, I think he wears a piece.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.
 
               
               
               
               
               (Street)

               
                             JERRY
               I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it 
               for this piece of junk! I've had it.
 
               
               
               (He throws his watch in the trash can beside him)

               
                             GEORGE
               What, is that the one your parents gave 
               you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah! But it never works. You know we're 
               supposed to be there by two o'clock. 
               We should take a cab.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, we'll be a little late, I,m 
               not taking a cab.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'll pay for it.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's not the money!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what is it you object to? The 
               comfort? The Speed? The convenience?
 
               
               
               (Both raise their arm to signal a cab.)

               
                             LEO
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo!

               
                             LEO
               Helloooo!

               
                             JERRY
               Hello there, how're you doing?

               
                             LEO
               Ha ha! How are you?

               
                             JERRY
               Good, good.

               
                             LEO
               How's your mom and dad?

               
                             JERRY
               Good, fine.

               
                             LEO
               What are you getting to be too much 
               of a big shot now to give me a call? 
               I don't hear from you anymore!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all.
 
               
               
                             LEO
               You know where I just came from?

               
               (He grabs Jerry's forearm.)

               
               Danny Barma.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, sure. Danny.

               
                             LEO
               He used to be in the pajama business. 
               I used to be able to get pajamas for 
               free. I used to come over and get pajamas 
               all the time!
 
               
               (Leo shakes Jerry around using his grip on Jerry's arm.)

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember.

               
               (George gets impatient, touches his watch subtly, maybe subconsciously.)
 
               
               
                             LEO
               The funny thing is: I can't wear 'em. 
               I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear 
               and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I 
               just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny 
               says to me: 'You need any pajamas?'
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta 
               get going.
 
               
                             LEO
               Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               We, we got a big meeting with the president 
               of NBC.
 
               
                             LEO
               Nobody got a gun to your head!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh.

               
                             LEO
               Go. Really. I understand. You got an 
               appointment, go to your appointment.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry, really.

               
                             LEO
               You know, I know plenty of people in 
               Hollywood too!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sorry, really.

               
               (Leo turns around and leaves. He passes by the trash can and 
               sees the watch. He picks it up, takes it to his ear, laughs and 
               puts it on. He walks away.)
 
               
               
               
               (Hall out of Kramer's apartment)

               
               (Newman knocks on Kramer's door)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Come on, are you ready? Let's go!

               
               (Straightens his tie)

               
               (Kramer opens the door. He has shaving cream on his face.)

               
                             KRAMER
               For what?

               
                             NEWMAN
               What's the matter with you? I just talked 
               to you fifteen minutes ago.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               what about?

               
                             NEWMAN
               The courthouse. You gotta go with me 
               to the courthouse. I'm contesting a 
               ticket today.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're 
               my alibi. You have to take the stand.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I can't!

               
                             NEWMAN
               Well, let me remind you of something. 
               You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for 
               me and my helmet. I saved your life! 
               You would be dead! Dead! You would cease 
               to exist! You would be gone for the 
               rest of eternity! You wouldn't even 
               begin to comprehend what that means!!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Shut up! I'll get my coat!

               
               (Newman enters Kramer's apartment)

               
               Don't step on anything.

               
               
               
               (NBC's waiting room)

               
                             JERRY
               You see the look on my uncle's face? 
               Did you see how insulted he was? What 
               could I do? Waht are we supposed to 
               do? You can't leave. There's no excuse 
               good enough to justify walking away 
               from a conversation with one of my relatives.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't shave this morning. I don't 
               feel like myself.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You could be a fireman on a fire truck 
               on the way to a fire. You bump into 
               one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle 
               Leo, there's a building full of people 
               burning down. I really do have to be 
               running.' He'll go: 'Go. Go ahead. Go 
               to your fancy fire. If that's what you 
               have to do.'
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Look at this.

               
                             JERRY
               Why didn't you shave this morning?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because of the day before. It's a long 
               story.
 
               
               (Jerry looks down the hall.)

               
               Can't get back on schedule.

               
                             JERRY
               Is that Joe Davola?

               
               (Jerry crouches in his seat)

               
                             GEORGE
               It's not him!

               
                             JERRY
               I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked.
 
               
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh.

               
               (They get up)

               
                             GEORGE
               Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? 
               I'm not here?
 
               
               (They walk toward the office)

               
                             JERRY
               All right. Look. Now, you promised you're 
               gonna be a little more flexible on the 
               nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Okay. A little.

               
               
               
               (Courthouse waiting room)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Okay, you're all set? You got your story?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No.

               
                             NEWMAN
               When the cop stopped me, I told him 
               that I was rushing home because my friend 
               was about to commit suicide.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uhm...

               
                             NEWMAN
               Now, you're that firend. Now, all we 
               need is a reason why you were going 
               to commit suicide.
 
               
               (Pause; they're thinking)

               
                             KRAMER
               I never had an air conditioner.

               
                             NEWMAN
               No! That's no reason to kill yourself!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Why? It gets hot at night, you can't 
               sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a 
               really hot room?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               Every night I sleep in a really hot 
               room, I don't want to kill myself.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I slept in really hot rooms and 
               I wanted to kill myself.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something 
               else.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I was never able to become a banker.
 
               
               
               (Newman has a revelation.)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Banker! So you're killing yourself because 
               your dreams of becoming a banker have 
               gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't 
               live without being a banker.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I 
               don't wanna live.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You must be banker.

               
                             KRAMER
               MUST be banker.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Okay, we'll go with the banker story.
 
               
               
               
               
               (NBC office) (I might be missing a line here, I suck at cutting 
               the commercials. If so, please complete.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The story is the foundation of all entertainment. 
               You must have a good story otherwise 
               it's just masturbation.
 
               
               (George is the only one laughing)

               
                             RUSSEL
               And people really have to care about 
               the characters.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Care? Forget about care. Love. They 
               have to love the characters. Otherwise, 
               why would they keep tuning in?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Wouldn't tune in.

               
                             GEORGE
               Would they tune in?

               
                             JERRY
               No tune.

               
                             RUSSEL
               We like to look at the show as if it 
               were in EKG. You have your highs and 
               your lows and it goes up and down.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               The show will be like a heart attack!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Just a huge massive coronary.

               
                             RUSSEL
               So what you said last week about no 
               story, you're a little flexible on that 
               now.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because 
               Jerry had to tell me later.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He couldn't believe it.

               
                             GEORGE
               I said, I said: 'Get outta here! No 
               story? Is that what I said?'
 
               
               (Jerry and George laugh)

               
               
               
               (Courtroom)

               
                             POLICE OFFICER
               Well, I informed him that he was exceeding 
               the speed limit and uh, that's when 
               he told me that he was racing home because 
               his friend was about to commit suicide.
 
               
               
                             JUDGE
               And then what happened?

               
                             POLICE OFFICER
               Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. 
               He was flailing his arms about as he 
               told the story and then he threw himself 
               on the ground and he grabbed me around 
               the legs and then he begged me to let 
               him go. And when I refused, that's when 
               he began to scream: 'My friend's going 
               to die, my friend's going to die.'
 
               
               
               
               
               (NBC office)

               
                             RUSSEL
               Look. I don't know how you two guys 
               feel but we would really like to be 
               in business with you.
 
               
               (George starts, Jerry starts later, both speak at the same time, 
               nonstop)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, we would like to be in business. 
               Let's do business. We'll have some business. 
               Let's have business.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We would love to be in business. We'll 
               do business. We're in business. It's... 
               it's business. This is business.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah!

               
                             STU
               Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy 
               of 'La Cocina'?
 
               
               (Pause. George and Jerry are puzzled.)

               
               (Jerry gets it, pokes George.)

               
                             JERRY
               Your off-Broadway play.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest 
               thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my 
               files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't 
               know if they fell off the truck or if 
               there was some sort of foul play but 
               let me tell you something. I'm not through 
               with that moving company.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hmm, hmm.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's my vow to you.

               
                             RUSSEL
               Well, I got a feeling about you two. 
               And even more than that. I place a great 
               deal of confidence in that lady's judgment.
 
               
               
               (the lady is Susan)

               
               (George and Jerry both speak at the same time, nonstop)

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile 
               of judgment there. Sure.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment 
               with earrings on. Yeah.
 
               
                             RUSSEL
               So, let's make a pilot.

               
               (Hand shakes)

               
               
               
               (Courtroom)

               
                             NEWMAN
               I had gone up to Westchester. I go there 
               every Tuesday. I do charity for the 
               blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. 
               I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi 
               with an old blind man and I excused 
               myself to call my friend as he was very 
               depressed lately because he never became 
               a banker.
 
               
                             JUDGE
               I don't understand.

               
                             NEWMAN
               You see, it'd been his lifelong dream 
               to be a banker and he uh, just the day 
               before he was turned down by another 
               bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's 
               Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. 
               That was the third bank to turn him 
               down so I was-I was a little concerned. 
               I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, 
               Your Honor, he was barely audible. But 
               I distinctly recall him say...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yo-yo Ma!

               
                             NEWMAN
               So I sped home to save my friend's life 
               and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, 
               I admit I was speeding but it was to 
               save a man's life. A close friend. An 
               innocent person who wanted nothing more 
               out of life than to love, to be loved 
               and to be a banker.
 
               
                             JUDGE
               So then he didn't kill himself.

               
                             NEWMAN
               No sir. He did not. But only by thge 
               grace of God. He's in the courtroom 
               today
 
               
               (Stands up, points to Kramer.)

               
               (dramatically) sitting right over there! And he can corroborate 
               my entire testimony.
 
               
               
               
               (NBC's waiting room)

               
               (Jerry and George are coming out of the office)

               
                             GEORGE
               See?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah!

               
                             GEORGE
               I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh 
               ooh!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Now, all we gotta do is write it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes! How're we gonna do that?

               
               (Enter Susan)

               
                             SUSAN
               Hey! Congratulations!

               
                             JERRY
               Thanks.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, thank you.

               
                             JERRY
               Thank you, thanks.

               
                             GEORGE
               Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you 
               were mad at me.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               No.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Phone call? Who knows I'm here?

               
               (He picks up the phone)

               
               Hello? Mom? How'd you know I was here? Oh, I was not rude to 
               him, that is baloney! I couldn't talk! I couldn't talk! I had 
               a meeting! I don't know... he-he went off on something about 
               pajamas!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               When you sent me the-the bill for the 
               dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't 
               have a chance.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, it was only vomit.

               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for 
               the cleaning.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Oh no-no, it's okay. *comment from transcriber: 
               yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't 
               she send the bill?*
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have 
               the money.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Well, it was eighteen dollars.

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there 
               it is. There you go. So maybe we could 
               get together this weekend.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah. Call me.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, great.

               
                             SUSAN
               Bye.

               
                             JERRY
               Bye thanks.

               
                             GEORGE
               Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is 
               far) I can't believe she took the money.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               I offered to pay. She should've said 
               no.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She did, you insisted.

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe this is what the pilot should 
               be about, vomiting on somebody's vest.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Nah!

               
                             GEORGE
               How much are we gonna get for this? 
               Fifty, sixty thousand?
 
               
                             JERRY
               oh, I d-I don't know. I d---

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. 
               All right, I tell you what. We go to 
               the coffee shop, you call your manager. 
               Maybe they made an offer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Okay.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, let's go, let's go, let's 
               go, come on.
 
               
               
               
               (Coffee shop)

               
                             GEORGE
               Thirteen thousand?

               
                             JERRY
               Thirteen thousand.

               
                             GEORGE
               a piece?

               
                             JERRY
               No, for both!

               
                             GEORGE
               That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight 
               hundred thousand dollars an episode.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, he does.

               
                             JERRY
               You're nuts!

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted 
               Danson makes that much more than me. 
               Who is he?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He's somebody.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about me?

               
                             JERRY
               You're nobody.

               
                             GEORGE
               Why him? Why not me?

               
                             JERRY
               He's good, you're not.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm better than him.

               
                             JERRY
               You're worse, much much worse. (crouches 
               in booth) That's Davola!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What? Where? Where?

               
                             JERRY
               Outside! I saw him outside!

               
               
               
               (Europe) *I think.*

               
               (Elaine is kissing with a guy. He stops. She keeps kissing him, 
               then stops.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               what is it?

               
                             BOYFRIEND
               Oh, it's this patient.

               
                             ELAINE
               Again?

               
                             BOYFRIEND
               I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave 
               him an extra prescription for his medication.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, so, he can live without his Valium 
               for a couple of days.
 
               
                             BOYFRIEND
               Nah, you don't understand. He could 
               be dangerous.
 
               
               (Elaine turns around, rolls her eyes.)

               
               
               
               (Coffee shop)

               
                             JERRY
               Go outside and see if he's still there.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't go out there, he knows we're 
               friends.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what are we supposed to do? I 
               gotta take Kramer to the doctor.
 
               
               (A cop sits down at the counter.)

               
                             GEORGE
               Tell the cop.

               
                             JERRY
               Good idea.

               
               (Walks to counter)

               
               Excuse me officer. There's a guy outside and he's kind of a nut 
               job and I think he's waiting to beat me up. If you could just 
               walk me outside and wait till I get into a cab.
 
               
                             COP
               Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Thanks.

               
               Jerry waits a while and realizes he has to go sit back with George 
               and wait over there.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll 
               walk us outside. This is a great way 
               to go through life.
 
               
               (Looks over at the cop)

               
               Hey! He's looking at the menu now. What's he looking at the menu 
               for?!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I thought you said he was gonna get 
               a muffin.
 
               
               (Jerry gets up and walks to the counter)

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing?

               
                             COP
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               What, are you ordering food now?

               
                             COP
               Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What happened to the muffin?

               
                             COP
               I got a little hungry.

               
                             JERRY
               All of a sudden you get hungry?

               
                             COP
               Yeah! You got a problem with that?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No! Enjoy your lunch.

               
               (Goes back toward the booth and stops.)

               
               You know a muffin can be very filling.

               
               (Keeps walking to the booth)

               
                             
               He's getting a sandwich now!

               
                             GEORGE
               I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All of a sudden he gets hungry.

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, a muffin can be very filling.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know!

               
               
               
               (Courtroom)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony 
               so far. Would you please tell the court 
               in your own words what happened on the 
               afternoon of September 10th?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose 
               words are they gonna be?
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               You know what I mean.

               
                             KRAMER
               I was very upset that day.

               
                             NEWMAN
               And why was that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Would you let me say it? Let me talk!
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               I was very upset that day because I 
               could never become a banker.
 
               
                             NEWMAN
               And that failure to become a banker 
               was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating 
               at you inside.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, yeah.

               
                             NEWMAN
               It was your family that pushed you into 
               banking , it was their dream for you...
 
               
               
                             JUDGE
               Mister Newman.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish 
               Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, 
               my entire case depends on it.
 
               
                             JUDGE
               Uh, continue.

               
                             NEWMAN
               As you were saying, Mister Kramer...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What was the question?

               
                             NEWMAN
               You're telling how your parents pushed 
               you into banking.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, 
               he took me to the bank and he lifted 
               me up and he pointed to the teller and 
               he said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look 
               at him, that's gonna be you some day.'
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               But you never became a banker, did you 
               Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I don't know.

               
                             NEWMAN
               It was because you hated your father 
               and you would do anything to displease 
               him. Isn't THAT true?
 
               
                             JUDGE
               Uh, could you get to the speeding?
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And 
               then, on the afternoon of September 
               10th, you received a phone call did 
               you not?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Phone call?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yes, a phone call!

               
                             KRAMER
               From who?

               
                             NEWMAN
               From me!

               
                             KRAMER
               From you?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yes, from me!! I called you remember?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You called me?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because 
               you were going to... You were going 
               to... Remember?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               what?

               
                             NEWMAN
               You were going to...

               
               (Mimmicks hanging himself, growing hysterical as only Newman 
               can)
 
               
               You were going to do something

               
               (Mimmicks stabbing himself in stomach and jerking the knife around) 
               to yourself! You were going to do something to yourself! Remember 
               the banking? The banking, about the banking, about the banking!!!
 
               
               
                             JUDGE
               I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a---
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               Yes, the banker!!!

               
                             KRAMER
               What banking?

               
                             NEWMAN
               A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your 
               Honor, Your Honor...
 
               
                             JUDGE
               That's enough already.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously 
               very distraught.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo!

               
                             NEWMAN
               You shut up!

               
                             
               I demand a recess so I can take him 
               outside and help him regain hius composure.
 
               
               
                             JUDGE
               That'll be seventy-five dollars.

               
                             NEWMAN
               What's the matter with you? We had it 
               all worked out!
 
               
               (They fall on their backs. Kramer knocks the flag on judge.)
 
               
               
               
               
               (Coffee shop) (Missing another line here as well. Told you, I 
               sucked at cutting the commercials, didn't I? Please complete 
               again. *between asterisks are only guesses. Correct if not accurate.)
 
               
               
                             *JERRY
               Do you see him?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not* sure.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, either you see him or you don't.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               All right. I don't.

               
                             JERRY
               What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? 
               I think he's getting coffee.!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What's with this guy?

               
               (Jerry walks to the counter)

               
                             JERRY
               Did you just order coffee?

               
                             COP
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               This is really too much.

               
                             COP
               What is your problem?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'm sitting over there waiting 
               for you to finish your sandwich for 
               twenty minutes. Now you're drinking 
               coffee, that's gonna be another ten 
               minutes.
 
               
                             COP
               Well, you're just gonna have to wait.
 
               
               
               (Enter Kramer and Newman)

               
                             KRAMER
               Never said anything about the banking.
 
               
               
                             NEWMAN
               You're off your rocker.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey you guys!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             KRAMER
               What are YOU doing here?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, is Davola outside?

               
                             KRAMER
               Davola?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I didn't see him.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Crazy Joe Davola?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, yours is eleven dollars.

               
                             JERRY
               Eleven dollars for what?

               
                             GEORGE
               Muffin, sandwich and coffee!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna 
               make the pilot.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You're gonna do the circus freak show, 
               uh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Pilot? So what do you make for something 
               like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What's the difference? The money is 
               not important.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey Newman, is that your red car?

               
                             NEWMAN
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               I think you're getting a ticket.

               
                             NEWMAN
               Deh!

               
                             KRAMER
               Run, run! Go, go, go!

               
               (Newman runs outside)

               
                             NEWMAN
               Hey! What are you doing? It's after 
               six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! 
               Hey, you're not gonna get away with 
               this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I saw the whole thing!

               
                             JERRY
               Maybe this whole thing would be a good 
               idea for the pilot.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is 
               much funnier.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, like you know what you're talking 
               about!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, YOU do!

               
               
               
                            THE END



The Ticket



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy