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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE TRIP PART 1



                             Written by

                            Larry Charles




 
               
               
               
               (George and Jerry enter Monk's Coffee Shop)

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer was on Murphy Brown?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Are you sure?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Murphy Brown, the TV show.

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, will ya?

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son 
               of a gun!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Something, isn't it?

               
                             GEORGE
               With Candace Bergen!

               
                             JERRY
               I know!

               
                             GEORGE
               I've always liked her. Remember her 
               in 'Carnal Knowledge'?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Sure.

               
                             GEORGE
               Did she show her breasts in that?

               
                             JERRY
               She's not really the naked type.

               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe I missed Kramer. You 
               know he asked me to go with him
 
               to California.

               
                             JERRY
               He did?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I turned him down.

               
                             JERRY
               How come you didn't tell me?

               
                             GEORGE
               He asked me to keep it a secret.

               
                             JERRY
               But you can never keep a secret.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know. This was like a record. My previous 
               record was when Joni
 
               Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept 
               a lid on that
 
               for about 28 seconds.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you've come a long way.

               
                             GEORGE
               I've matured.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey listen, the Tonight Show called 
               me, they want me to come out and do
 
               
               the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to 
               LA. You wanna
 
               go?

               
                             GEORGE
               A free ticket?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. 
               I always felt bad about the
 
               way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken 
               back those
 
               keys.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about accommodations?

               
                             JERRY
               All taken care of.

               
                             GEORGE
               Is there a meal allowance? What about 
               seat assignments? Could I have
 
               the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. 
               Gotta
 
               get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. 
               Oh, do I
 
               need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal 
               tour? They have
 
               that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...

               
               
               
               Kramer, backstage, talking to some aspiring young actors.

               
                             KRAMER
               So my acting technique, my personal 
               acting technique is working with
 
               color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational 
               mood connected to
 
               the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that 
               all my lines
 
               have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize 
               color. This way
 
               I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full 
               palette of
 
               emotions.

               
                             STUDIO GUARD
               Hey, didn't I tell you to get out of 
               here?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, did you?

               
                             STUDIO GUARD
               C'mon, let's go.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I was just--

               
                             STUDIO GUARD
               Yeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon, 
               let's go.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, we'll talk about this a little 
               later. Are you an actor?
 
               
               
               
               Kramer's apartment building in LA. Singers and actors are heard 
               practicing in
 
               the background. Kramer leaves his apartment and makes a call 
               on the pay phone
 
               in the hall.

               
                             VOICE
               Murphy Brown.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
 
               
               
                             VOICE
               Who's calling please?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
 
               
               
               Dial tone.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. 
               (To man waiting behind him)
 
               Go ahead, it's all yours.

               
               Helena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway.

               
                             HELENA
               Hello Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, uh, Helena, how are you?

               
                             HELENA
               I haven't worked since 1934, how do 
               you think I am?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that's only uh, 58 years.

               
                             HELENA
               It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy 
               Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's
 
               secretary, remember?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that 
               was a Shemp, right?
 
               
                             HELENA
               No, a Curly. The boys played three sailors 
               who find a baby, the baby's
 
               been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh huh, right.

               
                             HELENA
               But, but of course they didn't do it, 
               the police had made an awful
 
               mistake.

               
                             KRAMER
               Right.

               
                             HELENA
               Moe hits Curly with an axe,

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh huh.

               
                             HELENA
               The Stooges catch the kidnappers,

               
                             KRAMER
               Right.

               
                             HELENA
               But it's too late.

               
                             KRAMER
               Really.

               
                             HELENA
               The baby's dead.

               
                             KRAMER
               Really?

               
                             HELENA
               The boys are sent to Death Row and are 
               executed.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well I don't remember that part.

               
                             HELENA
               I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very 
               good.
 
               
                             HELENA
               Yeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, 
               what with the dead baby and the
 
               Stooges being executed and all.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that was an unusual choice for 
               the stooges.
 
               
                             HELENA
               Would you like to buy me a fat-free 
               frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, well, uh, you know I can't right 
               now, you know, uh, I got a very
 
               big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. 
               So, uh, I
 
               guess we'll have to make it another time, alright?

               
                             HELENE
               Well No! No, don't go out there, Kramer, 
               they'll hurt you, they'll
 
               destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive 
               like me,
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Helena, you're wrong, you know I'm not 
               that sensitive at all.
 
               
                             HELENA
               I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left 
               me at the altar. Kramer!
 
               Kramer!

               
               
               
               
               Jerry's apartment. George walks in with several stuffed suitcases 
               and
 
               backpacks.

               
                             JERRY
               What is this?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               We're going on a two day trip, what 
               are you, Diana Ross?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I happen to dress based on mood.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. But you essentially wear the same 
               thing all the time.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that 
               basic framework there are many
 
               subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that 
               reflect the many
 
               moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.

               
                             JERRY
               (referring to George's outfit): And 
               what mood is this.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is Morning Mist.

               
               
               
               
               A murder scene. There's a body under a blanket and two Lieutenants 
               are talking.
 
               
                             LT. COLEMAN
               What do you figure, 20? 21?

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               Close enough.

               
                             LT. COLEMAN
               Forensics ought to be able to nail it 
               down.
 
               
                             LT. MARTEL
               No ID?

               
                             LT. COLEMAN
               No ID.

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               No witnesses?

               
                             LT. COLEMAN
               Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young 
               thing.
 
               
                             LT. MARTEL
               She was. Not any more. Somebody saw 
               to that.
 
               
                             LT. COLEMAN
               Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What 
               do you make of it?
 
               
                             LT. MARTEL
               I don't know, but I don't like it.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at the airport, in line for the metal detector.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. 
               He thinks if he goes through
 
               real slow the machine won't detect him.

               
                             GEORGE
               Personally I'm a little nervous about 
               going through these things. I'm
 
               afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.

               
                             JERRY
               Just go.

               
               George braces himself and walks through the detector.

               
                             GEORGE
               Heh he, I made it.

               
               Jerry walks through and the machine beeps.

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Empty your pockets please.

               
               Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine 
               beeps again.
 
               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Walk through again please.

               
               Jerry walks through, the machine beeps again.

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Are you sure you don't have any metal 
               on you? Bracelets?
 
               Rings? Anklets?

               
                             JERRY
               Anklets?

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               A lot of men wear anklets.

               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Yeah.

               
                             OTHER SECURITY GUARD
               What do you have in your bag, sir?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               My bag?

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Step over here please.

               
                             JERRY
               Over here?

               
                             OTHER SECURITY GUARD
               Do you have a knife in the bag?

               
                             GEORGE
               A knife?

               
                             OTHER SECURITY GUARD
               Open the bag, please.

               
               George opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging.
 
               
               
                             OTHER SECURITY GUARD
               What's this?

               
                             GEORGE
               Moisturizer?

               
                             OTHER SECURITY GUARD
               Your wife?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I uh... I use it.

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Spread your arms and legs please.

               
               The security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up 
               and down Jerry's
 
               body.

               
                             JERRY
               Ladies and gentlemen, I implore

               you.

               
                             OTHER SECURITY GUARD
               Have a good trip.

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               Alright, go ahead.

               
                             JERRY
               That's it?

               
                             SECURITY GUARD
               That's it.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
                             GEORGE
               C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that 
               all about?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I must have iron rich blood.

               
                             GEORGE
               Here we go, LA.

               
                             JERRY
               The Coast,

               
                             GEORGE
               La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Who said that?

               
                             GEORGE
               I called it.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh no.

               
               
               
               Monologue, Jerry on stage.

               
               Seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America 
               are the people
 
               that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't 
               you hate
 
               these things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people, 
               look out, cart
 
               people! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless 
               peasants. Oooh!
 
               It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the 
               cart people,
 
               Timmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're 
               too fat, slow
 
               and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready 
               for air travel.
 
               The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving 
               walkway and
 
               then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no 
               animated
 
               pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?
 
               
               
               
               
               Stock photo of the HOLLYWOOD sign. Cut to a casting office. Kramer 
               enters.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I'm here for the audition.

               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Which audition, the music video, the 
               horror movie, the exercise
 
               tape or the infomercial?

               
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, let's see... well.

               
               Cut to a montage of Kramer in group auditions for the productions 
               the
 
               receptionist mentioned.

               
               
               
               Kramer and Chelsea, a woman he met in the horror movie audition, 
               exit the
 
               casting office.

               
                             KRAMER
               You scream good.

               
                             CHELSEA
               You too.

               
               
               
               Kramer and Chelsea are seated at a restaurant table.

               
               
                             CHELSEA
               So, can I keep this treatment?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.

               
                             CHELSEA
               'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. 
               He has connections with West
 
               German television money.

               
                             KRAMER
               Really.

               
                             CHELSEA
               Yeah, they're trying to put together 
               a miniseries for me on Eva Braun.
 
               
               I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing 
               about Eva Braun,
 
               only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.

               
                             KRAMER
               Um-hm.

               
                             CHELSEA
               What was it like having sex with Adolf 
               Hitler? What do you wear in a
 
               bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? 
               I mean
 
               it could just go on and on...

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's 
               over there. Don't look, don't
 
               look! It's Fred Savage.

               
                             CHELSEA
               Big deal.

               
                             KRAMER
               He'd be perfect for my movie. This is 
               a once-in-a-lifetime
 
               opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta 
               give him a
 
               copy of my treatment.

               
                             CHELSEA
               Why are you breathing so hard?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm just a little nervous. OK, 
               I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me
 
               luck, huh?

               
               Kramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a 
               table nearby.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not 
               crazy. I mean, I may look
 
               weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying 
               to make it in
 
               this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
 
               
               
                             FRED SAVAGE
               Thank you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I can't remember the name of it.
 
               
               
                             FRED
               Thanks.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, 
               you know, uh...
 
               
                             FRED
               That's ok. Relax, relax.

               
                             KRAMER
               Ok, but I got this...

               
               Kramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the 
               table collapses.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Stupid table. You know, I'm not normally 
               like this, usually I'm very
 
               cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but 
               I think it's fate
 
               that you happened to be here at the same time as me.

               
                             FRED
               Yeah, its fate,

               you know, can't avoid your fate.

               
                             KRAMER
               I got this treatment I think you'll 
               be great in.
 
               
                             FRED
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               So I'd like to give it to you.

               
                             FRED
               Yeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.
 
               
               
               Fred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves, 
               Kramer gives
 
               the rest of the patrons a thumbs-up.

               
               
               
               George and Jerry are in their hotel room. Jerry's on the telephone.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't 
               know, wavy? George, how would
 
               you describe Kramer's hair?

               
                             GEORGE
               Curly.

               
                             JERRY
               Wavy.

               
                             GEORGE
               What'd you ask me for?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did 
               you see a piece of paper I had on
 
               
               the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nope.

               
                             JERRY
               'Cause I had like three jokes on it, 
               they were all perfectly worded just
 
               
               the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, a shoe buffing machine!

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall 
               is Kramer?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You got your own shampoo, conditioner, 
               body lotion! Jerry, body
 
               lotion!

               
                             JERRY
               About 6-3.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ooh, a shower cap!

               
               KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

               
                             JERRY
               Coming.

               
               George walks to the door wearing a shower cap.

               
                             LUPE
               Hello. I have more towels.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. 
               I'm George. And this is
 
               Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?
 
               
               
                             LUPE
               Lupe.

               
                             GEORGE
               Lupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, 
               are you going to be making
 
               up the bed in the morning?

               
                             LUPE
               Yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Fine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? 
               Could you not tuck the
 
               blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.

               
                             LUPE
               Oh, yes, yes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, I like to just be able to take 
               the blankets and swish them and
 
               swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being 
               all tucked in.
 
               I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes 
               pointed up in the
 
               air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.

               
                             LUPE
               Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Exactly, you know what I'm talking about, 
               right?
 
               
                             LUPE
               It's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry) 
               Him too?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked 
               in?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me, what?

               
                             GEORGE
               You want your blankets tucked in?

               
                             JERRY
               What blankets?

               
                             GEORGE
               When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, whatever they do.

               
                             LUPE
               I tuck in? Yes?

               
                             JERRY
               Tuck in, tuck in.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, so that's one tuck and one 
               no-tuck.
 
               
                             LUPE
               Okay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, 
               I really think it'd be easier if
 
               you didn't tuck.

               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to 
               tuck, put me down for a no-tuck.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Two no-tucks.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, hang on a second, You know what? 
               Changed my mind, make it a tuck.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You just said you weren't tucking.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung 
               up on me. They don't know where
 
               Kramer is anyway.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one 
               no-tuck. Got that?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of 
               paper on the nightstand here
 
               earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?

               
                             LUPE
               Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean 
               the room.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, okay, thanks.

               
                             LUPE
               Thank you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Thank you.

               
                             LUPE
               Bye-bye.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, Lupe, bye-bye now.

               
                             LUPE
               Bye.

               
                             GEORGE
               Bye-bye.

               
               Lupe exits.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe she threw that out. 
               I had like the perfect wording of a
 
               
               whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, 
               I was gonna do
 
               it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well what did you want her to do, you 
               left it on the night table.
 
               
                             JERRY
               They're not supposed to just take everything 
               and throw it out!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, 
               you shouldn't have left it out.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, just get your thing together 
               and let's get out of here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, now. What mood am I in, what 
               mood am I in?
 
               
               
               Cut to Jerry and George in the car, continuing their discussion.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You shouldn't have tucked.

               
                             JERRY
               I like it tucked.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nobody tucks anymore.

               
               As Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into 
               his car and drives
 
               off, spilling dozens of 8"x10" publicity photos. A police office 
               notices this
 
               and picks up one of the photos.

               
               
               
               Another murder scene. A police officer pulls a blanket over the 
               body's head,
 
               but we catch a glimpse of the dead girl; it's Chelsea, Kramer's 
               friend from the
 
               auditions. The same two Lieutenants as before are just arriving.
 
               
               
                             OFFICER
               Hey, Lieutenant.

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               Yeah.

               
                             OFFICER
               This was found on her person.

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               On her person? What kind of expression 
               is that?
 
               
                             OFFICER
               I don't know, sir. Police lingo.

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               Oh yeah? What's your name, son.

               
                             OFFICER
               Ross.

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               Ross. Do you see that person there, 
               Ross?
 
               
                             OFFICER
               Yes sir.

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               She's dead. Have you got that?

               
                             OFFICER
               Yes sir.

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               Good. Now get out of here before you 
               find yourself on transit
 
               patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.
 
               
               
                             OFFICER
               Yes sir.

               
               The Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says "The 
               Keys" A movie
 
               treatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where 
               Kramer's first
 
               name was is missing.

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               I think we just caught a break.

               
               
               
               Jerry and George are at the NBC studio.

               
                             GEORGE
               This is very exciting! You're on the 
               Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on
 
               
               the show?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             GEORGE
               Might meet a celebrity.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe she threw out my napkin.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What are you worried about, you know 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You gonna be alright here?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your 
               business, I'll just wander
 
               around.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, don't wander too far, I'll 
               meet you back here in fifteen
 
               minutes.

               
                             GEORGE
               Go, go, go, don't worry about it.

               
               Jerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door. 
               he stands near
 
               George, obviously waiting for someone.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen.
 
               
               
                             CORBIN BERNSEN
               How ya doing?

               
                             GEORGE
               Big fan! Big fan.

               
                             CORBIN BERNSEN
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, you grew a beard, huh?

               
                             CORBIN BERNSEN
               Yeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during 
               my hiatus.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey. You know, do I have a case for 
               you guys to do on L.A. Law.
 
               
                             CORBIN BERNSEN
               Really.

               
               Flash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'.

               
                             GEORGE
               ...so mind you, at this point I'm only 
               going out with her two or three
 
               weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. 
               So at this
 
               time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it 
               slips my mind for a
 
               few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.

               
                             CORBIN BERNSEN
               Yeah yeah yeah. So what happened?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's the damnedest thing. The 
               cat dies. So she comes back into
 
               town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board.
 
               
               
                             CORBIN BERNSEN
               So you killed the cat.

               
                             GEORGE
               That's what she says. I say, listen. 
               It was an old cat. It died of
 
               natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy 
               her a brand new
 
               cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. 
               I'm not
 
               gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And 
               second of all, I
 
               go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. 
               I say, you show
 
               me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I 
               spring for a new
 
               cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the 
               hell out of here,
 
               and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be 
               a great case on
 
               L.A. Law?

               
               Corbin Bernsen just stares at George.

               
               Flash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the 
               same hallway.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't wanna tell you how to run your 
               show.
 
               
                             GEORGE WENDT
               Oh, of course not.

               
                             GEORGE
               But really, it's enough with the bar 
               already.
 
               
                             GEORGE WENDT
               Yeah, well.

               
                             GEORGE
               Seriously, have they though about changing 
               the setting?
 
               
                             GEORGE WENDT
               Doubt it, I doubt it. Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really? Because people do meet in places 
               besides a bar, huh?
 
               
                             GEORGE WENDT
               Well yeah, they do, heh heh.

               
                             GEORGE
               What about a rec room? Huh? Or a community 
               center.
 
               
                             GEORGE WENDT
               Yeah, you oughta

               write one of those.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE WENDT
               Yeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, 
               I gotta... uh...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Fabulous, I'll think about that George, 
               thank you!
 
               
               Jerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily.

               
                             JERRY
               How's it going?

               
                             GEORGE
               Great! Great! I actually just had two 
               meaningful intelligent
 
               conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.

               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you 
               know? Actual conversation, I was
 
               incredibly articulate!

               
                             JERRY
               You got toilet paper on your heel there.
 
               
               
               George looks down, Jerry walks away.

               
               
               
               The Tonight Show, George is in the audience applauding.

               
                             ANNOUNCER
               It's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. 
               Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin
 
               Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld.

               
               Quick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview.

               
                             CORBIN BERNSEN
               Oh yeah, yeah, people are always coming 
               up to me trying to give
 
               me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here, 
               right outside
 
               in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says 
               he's supposed to
 
               watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he 
               forgets to feed
 
               the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses 
               to get her a
 
               new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants 
               Arnie Becker to
 
               represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for 
               L.A. Law.
 
               Thanks a lot.

               
               Quick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George.
 
               
               
               Cut to a police station. Helena is being questioned by Lt. Martel.
 
               
               
                             HELENA
               He's a very handsome man. Passionate, 
               intense, but troubled, strange.
 
               I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing 
               abnormal about
 
               that, I have many suitors.

               
               Cut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview.

               
                             GEORGE WENDT
               It's funny, 'cause even after all these 
               years, we still get
 
               people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a 
               few moments ago I
 
               ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should 
               think about,
 
               you know, not doing the show in a bar.

               
               Another quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing 
               besides George.
 
               
               Cut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van 
               Kramer hitched a
 
               ride to LA in (see "The Keys") known only as 'The Freak' is being 
               questioned by
 
               the Lt.

               
                             THE FREAK
               So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, 
               dude. You ever killed a man
 
               before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands 
               have been
 
               soaking in Ivory liquid?

               
               Cut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt 
               are talking
 
               between takes.

               
                             GEORGE WENDT
               The guy you talked to, what did he look 
               like?
 
               
                             CORBIN BERNSEN
               Short little bald guy with glasses.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE WENDT
               Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked 
               to.
 
               
                             CORBIN BERNSEN
               It never ends, does it?

               
               Cut to Jerry, on stage, doing his routine.

               
                             JERRY
               So I'm going through the airport and 
               I have to put my bag on that little
 
               
               uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.

               
               Quick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing.

               
               Quick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry.

               
               Cut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone.

               
                             LT. MARTEL
               Issue an arrest warrant, put out an 
               APB. Let's pick up this, uh,
 
               Kramer.

               
               
               
               George and Jerry are leaving the Tonight Show set,

               
                             JERRY
               I was terrible.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you, crazy? You were fine.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't 
               remember what I was trying to
 
               say, that whole thing about the, uh...

               
                             GEORGE
               Conveyor belt.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.

               
               George and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report 
               is being broadcast.
 
               
                             TV NEWSCASTER
               Our top story tonight, there has been 
               a break in the so called
 
               'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the 
               suspect being
 
               sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer".
 
               
               
               George and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief.

               
               TO BE CONTINUED.

               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is 
               left in the show.
 
               You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? 
               Are we out of
 
               time? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's 
               the time?
 
               Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle 
               this guy or
 
               are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? 
               I'll tell
 
               you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll 
               come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us."

               
               
                                 THE END



The Trip Part 1



Writers :   Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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