THE TRIP PART 2
Written by
Larry Charles
(Comedy club)
There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that
the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can
get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone,
that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess
they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't
draw too well..."listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you
think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you
could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?". I don't
even know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look
at the thing on the ground..."aah his arm was like that when
he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim."
OPENING SCENE
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE IN A CAR. GEORGE IS GRABBING JERRY'S ARM
GEORGE
He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose!
JERRY
Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying
to drive, you're getting us both killed!
GEORGE
What are we supposed to do? What do
you do on a situation like this? Should
we call a lawyer, should we call the
police?
JERRY
Obviously we're gonna call the police
and tell that he's not the guy.
GEORGE
Hope he's not the guy.
JERRY
Couldn't be the guy...nah.
GEORGE
God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger.
JERRY
How can you think of food at the time
like this?
GEORGE
Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach
doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.
JERRY
I told you to have breakfast, you should've
had breakfast!
GEORGE
I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime!
The three hour time difference threw
me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they
wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich,
because they were only serving breakfast.
JERRY
You should've had some eggs.
GEORGE
For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?
JERRY
Have you ever heard of egg salad?
GEORGE
Why didn't you say something then?
JERRY
I've gotta to tell you about existence
of egg salad?
GEORGE
I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm
getting light headed.
JERRY
I've gotta call the police, there's
a pay phone over there.
GEORGE
Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle.
CUT TO KRAMER SINGING IN A SHOWER FOLLOWED BY A FALLING SOUND
BACK TO GEORGE AND JERRY ON THE STREET
JERRY
I don't have any change. You've got
any change?
GEORGE
No, I don't have any change. I never
carry change.
JERRY
Well, we need change and all I have
is twenties.
GEORGE
I have a ten.
JERRY
So, break it.
GEORGE
I hate asking for change. They always
make a face. Like I'm asking them to
donate a kidney.
JERRY
So, buy something.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
I don't know, some mints or TicTacs.
GEORGE
Breath problem?
JERRY
No, I just want some change.
GEORGE
Tell me.
JERRY
Your breath is fine. It's delightful,
it's delicious.
GEORGE
You know, I haven't eaten anything.
JERRY
I just wanna call the police!
GEORGE
Why don't you just call 911?
JERRY
But is this an emergency?
GEORGE
Of course it is.
JERRY
How is this an emergency?
GEORGE
Your friend is been accused of being
a serial killer. I think that qualifies.
JERRY
All right, I'll call 911. Think he did
it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done
it? How could've he done it? Couldn't
be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you?
I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know
it's an emergency number...it is an
emergency...my friend is being accused
of being a smog strangler and I know
he didn't do it...they're putting me
trough to the detective in charge of
the investigation...what is my name?
Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza...
GEORGE
What's the matter with you? Are you
crazy? Why are you using my name?!
JERRY
Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared
of?
GEORGE
What am I scared of? I'm scared of the
same thing that you are, everything!
Why don't you just use your own name?
JERRY
Your name is a good name, Costanza.
Sounds like it's stands for something,
they'll believe us.
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
Sure.
GEORGE
You think so?
JERRY
Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important
information regarding the smog strangler.
(George leans close) would you suck
a mint or something. Can I come right
now? I suppose, where are you located?
Where is that? I don't know where we
are. Where are we?
GEORGE
I don't know.
JERRY
We don't know. He says ask somebody,
ask that guy.
GEORGE
Excuse me, where are we?
MAN
Earth.
JERRY
Hey, you know I'm on the phone with
the police! Some guy just gave me a
wise answer. Ask that woman.
GEORGE
Excuse me Ms. which street are we on?
WOMAN
I don't know.
GEORGE
You don't know?
WOMAN
I don't know.
GEORGE
How come you don't know what street
are you on?
WOMAN
You don't know.
JERRY
George, it says it here on the phone.
It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do
we know where the 101 is? (George shakes
his head) No...do we know where 170
is? (George shakes his head) No...do
we know where 134 is? (George just looks
at Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs
up) He's gonna send a black and white
to pick us up.
(Police car rolls by the sidewalk and stops. The police listens
their conversation.)
GEORGE
Black and white?
JERRY
A cop car.
GEORGE
Why didn't you just say that?
JERRY
I thought it sounded kind of cool.
GEORGE
Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.
JERRY
Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is
going to tuck your covers in.
GEORGE
I'll bet you, how much?
JERRY
Her tip.
GEORGE
You've got a bet.
JERRY
Ok.
GEORGE
How much do you tip a chamber maid?
POLICE
Which one of you is Costanza?
(Jerry and George point at each other.)
POLICE
Get in.
GEORGE
Hi, how are you guys? Listen, does either
one of you have like a mint or piece
of gum or...
KRAMER IS SHAVING. HE SNEEZES AND GETS SHAVING CREAM ON THE MIRROR
BACK TO THE POLICE CAR WITH JERRY, GEORGE AND TWO COPS
GEORGE
Jerry, would you do me a favor, close
the window.
JERRY SEARCHES FOR THE HANDLE, BUT CAN'T FIND ONE
JERRY
Hey, get out of here...hey officer,
he's fooling around back here.
COP
Cut it up back there.
GEORGE
He started it.
JERRY
I did not. You guys gonna go through
some red lights?
COP
I don't think so.
JERRY
But you could?
COP
Oh yeah, of course we could. We can
do anything we want.
COP 2
We could drive on the wrong side of
the road.
COP
Yeah, we do that all the time. You should
see the looks on people's faces.
COP 2
Shoot people...
GEORGE
You guys ever shot anybody?
COPS
No...
GEORGE
Hey, can I flip on the siren?
JERRY
Why are you bothering them for?
GEORGE
I'm just asking, all they have to do
is say no.
COP
Yeah, go ahead.
GEORGE TRIES THE SIREN.
GEORGE
Wohoo, check it out.
JERRY
Can I try it?
COP
Yeah, go ahead, hurry up.
JERRY TRIES THE SIREN
JERRY
Scared the hell out of that guy.
GEORGE
You know what I never understood? Why
did they change the siren noise? When
I was a kid it was always "waaaa, waaaa",
you know now it "woo-woo-woo-woo-woo".
Why did they do that, did they do some
research? Did they find that woo-woo
was more effective than waa?
JERRY
Yeah, what about those English sirens,
you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
JERRY AND GEORGE
Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
COP
Hey!
KRAMER IS COMBING HIS HAIR. TRYING TO GET THE COMB THROUGH.
KRAMER
I'm dizzy.
BACK TO THE POLICE CAR
JERRY
Nice shotgun.
COP
Thanks.
JERRY
Clean as a whistle.
GEORGE
You could eat of that shotgun.
JERRY
What is that, a 12 gauge?
COP
Yeah.
JERRY
12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular
gauge.
GEORGE
My favorite.
JERRY
Mine too, love the 12 gauge.
GEORGE
Makes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.
COP
What do got over there?
COP 2
I don't know.
COP
Looks like a possible 5-19.
JERRY
5-19? What's a 5-19?
GEORGE
Where?
COP 2
Think so?
COP
Looks like it.
JERRY
I can't believe this. A 5-19?
GEORGE
Where, where? I can't see.
COP
This is car 23, we have a possible 5-19
in progress, over.
COP 2
All right, let's pull over and check
it out.
JERRY
Pull over? You can't pull over.
GEORGE
What are you doing? Where do you think
you're going?
JERRY
Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting
to see us.
GEORGE
Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here.
JERRY
We have an appointment!
GEORGE
What are you doing?!
JERRY
Great.
COPS GO TO ARREST A GUY FOR TRYING TO STEAL A CAR
GEORGE
There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies
up there.
JERRY
Which flavor?
GEORGE
Milano.
JERRY
Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town
is this?
GEORGE
Should I take some?
JERRY
I think that's a 5-19.
GEORGE
I'm starving...
GEORGE REACHES FOR THE COOKIES AND THE COPS SLAM A GUY ON THE
HOOD AND GEORGE BACKS AWAY
JERRY
They're busting this guy.
GEORGE
They're cuffing him.
JERRY
I can't believe this.
GEORGE GET CLOSER TO JERRY AND THEY THROW THE GUY NEXT TO GEORGE
MONOLOGUE
I can't believe that cops still have to read that whole "you
have the right to remain silence"-speech to every criminal they
arrest. I mean is there anybody who doesn't know that by now?
Can't they just go "Freeze, you're under arrest. You've ever
seen Baretta? Yeah, good, get in the car."
BACK TO POLICE CAR
GEORGE
Hi.
JERRY
Hi, I'm Jerry.
GEORGE
George, how you doing?
GEORGE OFFERS HIS HAND, BUT THE GUY IS IN CUFFS
GUY
What did you do?
GEORGE
Nothing.
JERRY
Nothing.
GUY
Oh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't
do nothing!
COP
Shut up.
JERRY
Hot out.
GUY
Brutal.
GEORGE
What do you tip a chamber maid.
GUY
I don't know, five bucks a night.
JERRY
No, a dollar, two tops.
GUY
Hey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are
you, narks?
GEORGE
Narks?
JERRY
Imagine, us narks?
GEORGE
No no no, you know actually we are friends
of a serial killer.
GUY
Really? Well, that's very nice.
GEORGE
Oh, thank you.
JERRY
Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually
do it.
GEORGE
Yeah well, we don't think.
JERRY
We're pretty sure.
GUY
A dollar a night?
JERRY
Yeah, that's a good tip!
GUY
That stinks!
JERRY
I read it in Ann Landers.
GUY
Oh, Ann Landers sucks!
COP 2
Hey, shut it up back there.
POLICE RADIO
Attention all units, attention all units,
all units code 3. All units in the area,
code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis,
units required for assistance in apprehension
of 702.
COP
That's smog strangler.
JERRY
Kramer.
COP 2
Got him. Let's go.
POLICE CAR COMES TO THE SCENE. JERRY OPENS THE BACK DOOR THROUGH
THE WINDOW AND THEY GO AFTER THE COPS
JERRY
I wanna see what's happening.
GEORGE
I don't know why I'm doing this.
LT MARTEL KNOCKS ON A DOOR AND KRAMER OPENS
KRAMER
Jerry, George!
LT. MARTEL
You are under arrest in first degree
murder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang.
THE CAR THIEVE GUY RUNS AWAY FROM THE DOOR THAT JERRY AND GEORGE
LEFT OPEN
KRAMER IS RUSHED THROUGH A GROUP OF PRESS
REPORTERS
Why did you do it? What possessed you?
KRAMER
I don't know...
COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES CENTRAL JAIL
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE VISITING KRAMER
KRAMER
Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!
JERRY
We're doing fine. How are you?
KRAMER
What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've
got a lot of auditions, a lot of call
backs and I've got a lot of interest
for my movie treatment. I'm in development,
I'm in developed vehicles. And there's
a lot of energy here, man. You know,
the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept
up at it. Yeah, I'm a player.
GEORGE
A player?
KRAMER
Yeah, a player...
JERRY
Kramer, do you realize what's going
on here? Do you know why you're here?
KRAMER
What? What this? I'll be out of here
in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I
met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid,
really good kid. You know, we're talking
about doing a project together.
JERRY
Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial
killer!
KRAMER
So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe
that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry?
George?
JERRY
Well, yeah...sure.
POLICE
Kramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants
to see you.
KRAMER
Ok, yeah. All right look, I'll be out
of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch
together, huh?
KRAMER GOES WITH THE POLICE OFFICER, BUT ASKS IF HE COULD SAY
JUST ONE MORE THING
KRAMER
Help me!! Help me!
OFFICER DRAGS KRAMER AWAY
KRAMER IS BEEN INTERROGATED BY LT. MARTEL
KRAMER
I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear
to God!
LT. MARTEL
Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer.
My God is the god who protects the innocent
and punishes the evil scum like you,
have you got that?
KRAMER
You're making a big mistake.
LT. MARTEL
No! You have made the mistake, Kramer.
Sickies like you always do. The only
difference is that this time you're
gonna pay.
KRAMER
What?
LT. MARTEL
Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer,
but as long as I have got a breath in
my body you will never ever see the
light of day again.
KRAMER
Wow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong
man!! It wasn't me!
LT. MARTEL
Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of
your other personalities huh, the wise
guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the
ball player, maybe the door to door
vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you
right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly.
You just couldn't help yourself, could
you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly
with optimism and verve and you just
had to snuff it out.
KRAMER
Ok, can I just talk to somebody? Can
I just explain...
LT. MARTEL
I'm not interested in your explanations,
Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million
of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love
you enough, maybe the teacher didn't
call on you in school when you had your
little hand raised, maybe the pervert
in the park had a present in his pants,
huh? Well, I've got another theory Kramer:
you're a weed.
KRAMER
No...
LT. MARTEL
Society is filled with them. They're
choking the life out of the all pretty
flowers.
KRAMER SOBS
LT. MARTEL
You see something even remotely pretty
and you have to choke the life out if
it, don't you Kramer?
KRAMER CRIES
LT. MARTEL
You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't
you Kramer? You killed the pretty little
flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy,
stinky weed! Didn't you?
PHONE RINGS
OFFICER
Lieutenant, it's for you.
LT. MARTEL
Martel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah.
KRAMER KEEPS CRYING
OFFICER
What it is, Lieutenant?
LT. MARTEL
Let him go.
OFFICER
What, but Lieutenant?
LT. MARTEL
You heard me, let him go. They just
found another body at the Laurel Canyon.
Go on Kramer, get out of my sight.
KRAMER
Hey, how did you know about the guy
in the park?
LT. MARTEL
I said beat it!
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WAITING OUTSIDE OF THE JAIL
KRAMER WALKS OUT
KRAMER
Hahaa!
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
What happened?
KRAMER
Somebody got killed while they had me
in custody.
JERRY
Really? Did you hear that? Somebody
else was killed!
GEORGE
You're kidding? Somebody else got killed?
JERRY
While you were in jail. So you're free.
KRAMER
Yes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the
murderer struck again!
THEY ALL DANCE A FEW STEPS AND THEN AS A POLICE GOES BY THEY
LEAVE QUIETLY
KRAMER, JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HILLS OF L.A.
JERRY
So Kramer, what are you going to do?
KRAMER
Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You
know, I've always done what I do. I'm
doing what I do, way I've always done
and the way I'll always do it.
GEORGE
Kramer, what the hell are you talking
about?
KRAMER
What do you want me to say? That the
things haven't worked out the way that
I planned? That I'm struggling, barely
able to keep my head above water? That
L.A. is a cold place even in the middle
of the summer? That it's a lonely place
even when your stuck in traffic at the
Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better
than a screenwriter driving a cab, a
starlet turning tricks, a producer in
a house he can't afford? Is that what
you want me to say?
GEORGE
I'd like to hear that.
JERRY
Yeah...
KRAMER
Well, I'm not saying that! You know,
things are going pretty well for me
here. I met a girl...
JERRY
Kramer, she was murdered!
KRAMER
Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long
term relationship. I was on TV.
GEORGE
As a suspect in a serial killing.
KRAMER
Ok, yeah, you guys got to put a negative
spin on everything.
GEORGE
What did they put on this tuna? Tastes
like a dill, I think it's a dill.
JERRY
So you're not gonna come back to New
York with us?
KRAMER
No no I'm not ready, things are starting
to happen.
GEORGE
Taste this, is this a dill?
JERRY
No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry
about that whole fight we had about
you having my apartment keys and everything.
KRAMER
Ok, it's forgotten.
GEORGE
Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy.
JERRY
Well, take it easy.
KRAMER
Yeah, ok.
GEORGE
Yeah, take care. Stay in touch.
KRAMER
Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...
JERRY
Oh, no...
GEORGE
No, you're crushing my sandwich.
JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HOTEL. GEORGE IS KICKING THE TUCKED COVERS.
JERRY
Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to
you.
BACK TO JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE AND JERRY ARE WATCHING TV.
GEORGE
Mint?
JERRY
No thanks.
GEORGE
I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed
in Lupe.
JERRY
It's been three days already, forget
about Lupe.
GEORGE
Do you think she gets to take any of
those little bars of soap home?
JERRY
No, I don't.
GEORGE
You would think that at the end of the
week when they hand out the checks,
throw in a few soaps.
JERRY
Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple
of lamps too.
GEORGE
I'll tell you something, if I'd own
a company, my employees would love me.
They'd have huge pictures of me up on
the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
JERRY
How much did you wound up tipping her?
GEORGE
Oh my God, I forgot!
JERRY
Well, communism didn't work.
KRAMER WALKS IN
KRAMER
Hey!
KRAMER GOES TO THE FRIDGE
KRAMER
Any mustard? This is empty.
JERRY
Yeah, there's a new one in there.
KRAMER
No no, I don't like this one. It's too
yellow. Any pickles?
JERRY
Help yourself.
KRAMER
Yeah, all right.
GEORGE
Kramer, what are you doing here?
KRAMER
Getting something to eat.
JERRY
Kramer, here!
JERRY THROWS THE APARTMENT KEYS TO KRAMER. KRAMER WALKS OUT AND
COMES BACK WITH HIS KEYS.
HE THROWS THEM TO THE TABLE KNOCKING JERRY'S SODA.
ACTION NEWS. KEITH MORRISON.
NEWSCASTER
Authorities exposed today, that the
latest suspect in the smog strangling
was apprehended this week on an unrelated
charge, but somehow managed to escape
from the police car, in which he was
being held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who
is also wanted in connection with a
series of unrelated slains in the North
West is still at large, his whereabouts
unknown. He's described as 5'5" bald
and reputedly a very generous tipper.
(Comedy club)
The thing about L.A. to me, that kind of threw me, was when they
have these smog alerts out there and they actually recommend
that people stay indoors during the smog alert. Now, maybe I'm
way off, but don't you think, wouldn't you assume, that the air
in the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where
the house is? I mean what do they think, that we live in a jar
with couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell is going
on out there? It's very strange, do you realize that it's now
possible for parents to say to their children "All right kids,
I want you in the house and get some fresh air! Summer vacation,
everybody indoors."
THE END
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