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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE TRUTH



                             Written by

                     Elaine Pope & Larry Charles




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               
               
               Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... 
               what kind of a sicko
               would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide 
               (small fingers opening
               imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT 
               hard to get round black
               buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like 
               this? ... is it such a
               great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, 
               you'll never find them - they
               save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know 
               they're going to fall off too, that's the other thing ...

               
               
               
               
               
               (Monk's)

               
               
               
                             PATRICE
               Everyone in my family's creative. And 
               even though I'm working as an accountant
 
               
               
               now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay 
               mache-ay hats
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't understand. Paper Machay hats?
 
               
               
                             PATRICE
               uh uh

               
                             GEORGE
               What if it rains?

               
                             FD
               They're art. You hang them on the wall.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, art!

               
                             PATRICE
               It's my creative outlet. One of my passions.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Any money in it?

               
                             PATRICE
               Who so belongs only to his age, references 
               only popenjays and mumbo jumbos
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Of course, right.

               
                             PATRICE
               Thomas Carlisle, 1864.

               
                             GEORGE
               Tommy C.

               
               
               
               Jerry's Apartment

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               These are the receipts from 85 and I'm 
               going to do 86.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate 
               charity. I didn't know you'd get audited
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't blame you. I blame myself.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, blame me.

               
                             JERRY
               OK, I blame you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Don't blame me.

               
                             JERRY
               What was I supposed to do? You knew 
               I was on my first date with Elaine. 
               You come
 
               
               barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief 
               fund for krakatoa.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               It was supposed to erupt.

               
                             JERRY
               I find the whole thing very embarrassing.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               You know what my feelings are about 
               this. I don't even pay taxes.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income.
 
               
               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi,

               
                             JERRY
               Hi

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, do me a favour will ya'. If 
               you insist o making pasta in my
 
               
               apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while 
               it's in the
 
               
               strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.
 
               
               
               (Jerry smiles)

               
                             ELAINE
               What's so funny

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, it's a riot Alice.

               
                             KRAMER
               When do you pit the sauce on?

               
                             ELAINE
               Any other time.

               
                             KRAMER
               I like to strain the sauce.

               
                             ELAINE
               And ... I could really live without 
               the tribal music ... and the make out 
               sessions
 
               
               in the living room

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, Tina likes the couch.

               
                             ELAINE
               What are you doing? What is all this?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. 
               I'm being audited.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               O, your being auditted? What for?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I contributed money to a charity 
               that turned out to be fraudulent. It's 
               very
 
               
               boring.

               
                             ELAINE
               When was this?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy 
               far far away.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I remember you donated to some volcano 
               thing on our first date.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Volcano? Really?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that 
               that was ...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Something to drink?

               
                             ELAINE
               What did you think, that would impress 
               me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking 
               only of the poor Krakatoans
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Like you this donation for 50 bucks 
               and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. 
               who sacrifice so much for so long.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Now you're being audited because of 
               it. You see That's Karma.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, that's Krama.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, waddya' going to do?

               
                             JERRY
               It's all taken care of.

               
                             ELAINE
               How is that?

               
                             KRAMER
               (chuckles)

               
                             JERRY
               An old friend of mine, whom you may 
               have met, George Costanza,
 
               
               has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was 
               formally a highly
 
               
               placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, 
               at this very
 
               
               moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. 
               And she
 
               
               has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Why is she doing this?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. It must be love.

               
               Monks

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't think we should see each other 
               anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled 
               with
 
               
               personal problems.

               
                             PATRICE
               What did I do?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have 
               a fear of commitment. I don't know how 
               to love.
 
               
                             PATRICE
               You hate my earrings don't you?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no,

               
                             PATRICE
               And you didn't comment on the chop sticks.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I love the chop sticks. I, I personally 
               prefer a fork but they look very nice.
 
               
               
                             PATRICE
               You're not telling me the truth. I must 
               have done something.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I have a fear of intimacy

               
                             PATRICE
               Don't give me cliches. I have a right 
               to know. What did I do wrong?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing. It's not YOU..

               
                             PATRICE
               I want the truth.

               
                             GEORGE
               The truth. you want the truth? It is 
               your earrings It is the chopsticks but 
               it's so much
 
               
               more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name 
               You call my doorman, Sammy,
 
               
               "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- 
               EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is
 
               
               Papie-ay Mach-ay?

               
                             PATRICE
               Keep goin'.

               
                             GEORGE
               I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry 
               if I was a little harsh.
 
               
                             PATRICE
               No, I asked for the truth. Thank you 
               for being so honest.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Can I uh, can I walk you back to work?
 
               
               
                             PATRICE
               I prefer to go alone. How much do I 
               owe?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f...
 
               
               
               Jerry's Apartment

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               ... if this audit had happened to me 
               and I didn't have this woman to help
 
               
               
               me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life 
               out of him
 
               
               with my bare hands

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't blame ya'

               
                             JERRY
               Have you ever been through an audit?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             JERRY
               It's hell. It's the financial equivalent 
               of a complete rectal
 
               
               examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from 
               limb, ripped the
 
               
               flesh right off his bones ...

               
               (buzzer)

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah

               
                             GEORGE
               George

               
                             JERRY
               Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, 
               George Louis Costanza. Here I am about 
               to go
 
               
               to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               My whole life has been a complete waste 
               of time, (chuckle)
 
               
                             JERRY
               And there's so much more to go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Now I know what I am supposed to do. 
               It's so simple.
 
               
               Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth

               
                             JERRY
               So what happened? You gave her my tax 
               papers? ... My papers?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, oh, your papers

               
                             JERRY
               What happened you didn't give her the 
               papers?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No. I did.

               
                             JERRY
               SO?

               
                             GEORGE
               ...I broke up with her.

               
               (Kramer leaves)

               
                             JERRY
               You what?

               
                             GEORGE
               I broke up with her.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm being audited! And you broke up 
               with her?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm 
               sure she'll still do it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why will she still do it? She hates 
               you now. People don't do you favors 
               after you dump
 
               
               them.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no. We left on good terms.

               
                             JERRY
               How is that possible?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because I uh, I told her the truth.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, my God.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's OK.

               
                             JERRY
               It's unheard of ...

               
                             GEORGE
               She asked me to.

               
                             JERRY
               So you lie! What did you tell her?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I told her that she was pretentious.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. 
               You told her she was
 
               
               pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything 
               they
 
               
               want

               
                             ELAINE
               How would you like it if someone told 
               YOU the truth?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Like what? What could they say?

               
                             ELAINE
               There are plenty of things to say.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Like what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? 
               Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               George, please.

               
                             GEORGE
               Give me one.

               
                             ELAINE
               You sure?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             ELAINE
               Forget it. You are very careful with 
               money.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How 
               could you say that to me? I can't
 
               
               
               believe this. How could you say that to me?

               
                             ELAINE
               You asked me to.

               
                             GEORGE
               You should have lied.

               
                             ELAINE
               HUH, so should you.

               
                             JERRY
               OK, wait a second, wait a second, what 
               happened to my papers?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (ignoring Jerry) I mean I'm not really 
               working right now.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I know.

               
                             GEORGE
               When I was working I spent baby.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. 
               WHAT happened to the papers?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She put them in her pocketbook. I guess 
               she took them with her.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Pocketbook or a handbag?

               
                             JERRY
               Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call 
               her office.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I 
               would like to speak to Patrice. ...
 
               
               
               what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up)

               
                             JERRY
               What? What?

               
                             GEORGE
               She never came back from lunch.

               
                             JERRY
               This is no good. This is no good. Call 
               her house.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, 
               (hangs up) She hung up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Not good.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right. There's nothing to be worried 
               about. She's just a little
 
               
               annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll 
               apologize.
 
               
               I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits)

               
                             JERRY
               Not good

               
               (break)

               
               Jerry's Apartment

               
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, it's a windshield.

               
                             JERRY
               I can see that. What's it for?

               
                             KRAMER
               I found it on the road.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah (to buzzer)

               
                             ELAINE
               (from intercom) I just finished working 
               out are you busy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come on up.

               
                             KRAMER
               Can you believe somebody threw this 
               out? You know I'm going to make a
 
               
               
               coffee table out of this and surprise Tina.

               
                             JERRY
               wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, 
               are you going to just sense it's
 
               
               in front of the couch?

               
                             KRAMER
               wow

               
               (Elaine enters - she and Kramer avoid each other's stares)

               
                             ELAINE
               hell-oo

               
                             KRAMER
               hell-oo

               
                             JERRY
               What's with you two?

               
                             ELAINE
               You haven't told him?

               
                             JERRY
               Tell me what?

               
                             ELAINE
               Huh, go ahead, tell him.

               
                             KRAMER
               I, I saw her naked.

               
                             ELAINE
               He saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me 
               naked.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, ... it was an accident.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Who walks into a woman's bedroom without 
               knocking. I want to know!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I thought it was a closet.

               
                             JERRY
               Completely naked?

               
                             KRAMER
               Completely naked.

               
                             ELAINE
               Jerrryyy, How can I go on?

               
                             KRAMER
               All right. I'll tell you what. If it's 
               going to make you feel any better you 
               can see me naked.
 
               
               (Kramer begins disrobing)

               
                             ELAINE
               No thanks!

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I want you to see me naked.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no no.

               
                             KRAMER
               No, I want to show you.

               
                             ELAINE
               No! Jerry! Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               OK, just a second lets not lose our 
               heads here. Kramer you know you are 
               always welcome in my
 
               
               home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story.
 
               
               
               (Kramer sits down picks up windshield)

               
                             ELAINE
               Ehat is this?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's a windshield. It's going 
               to be your new coffee table.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that 
               thiing. You can't even see it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You'll sense it.

               
               (George enters slowly)

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what happened? Was she there?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no she wasn't.

               
                             JERRY
               You didn't get my papers?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, I didn't.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, where is she?

               
                             GEORGE
               A mental institution.

               
               STAND UP ROUTINE

               
               
               
               Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because 
               when you have
 
               
               clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments 
               that people like
 
               
               to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah 
               pretty good
 
               
               (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But 
               when you're
 
               
               naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements) 
               There's
 
               
               nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when 
               I'm naked. Cause I
 
               
               feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging 
               and
 
               
               lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that 
               would be,
 
               
               wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able 
               to do this (hand
 
               
               in pocket) I think that would really help a lot.

               
               =

               
               Jerry's Apartment

               
               
               
                             JERRY
               A mental institution?

               
                             KRAMER
               You know what they do in there? Did 
               you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those 
               electrodes in
 
               
               your head.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's not really a mental institution. 
               It's more like a depression
 
               
               clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, 
               I'm sick over
 
               
               this.

               
                             ELAINE
               Who told you this:

               
                             GEORGE
               Her roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism 
               before but never to a mental institution.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. 
               But his synapses were so large, it had 
               no effect.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know I hate to raise a crass financial 
               concern but was there any
 
               
               information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!

               
                             GEORGE
               She put them in her pocket book. She 
               probably took them out there with her.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what now?

               
                             GEORGE
               I don't know.

               
                             JERRY
               Can we go out there?

               
                             GEORGE
               Where?

               
                             JERRY
               Woodhaven.

               
                             GEORGE
               We could.

               
               Woodhaven

               
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm very nervous about this. I've never 
               spoken to a mental patient before.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               My cousin Douglas was in a place like 
               this one time . He came over to
 
               
               my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He 
               was screamin'
 
               
               "where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?"

               
                             GEORGE
               I should be in a place like this I envy 
               this woman. Ya' get to wear
 
               
               slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very 
               underrated. I
 
               
               like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association
 
               
               
               tests. I love those.

               
                             JERRY
               That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Potato

               
                             JERRY
               Tuberculosis

               
                             GEORGE
               Blanket

               
                             JERRY
               Leroy

               
                             GEORGE
               Grass

               
                             JERRY
               Tuberculosis

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, boy. Here she comes.

               
               Elaine's Apartment

               
               
               
               (African music is playing as Elaine enters, dirty pots and dishes 
               are piled high in the kitchen)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, my god.

               
               (Kramer enters dancing with only a towel on.)

               
                             ELAINE
               KRAMER!

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               WILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, you want some leftovers? I made 
               some African food. There's, yambalas 
               and uh, sambusa.
 
               
                             TINA
               Kramer, are you coming back to bed?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby.
 
               
               
                             TINA
               Oh, hi Elaine. (returns Elaine's ear 
               rings) What did you think of the coffee 
               table?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's invisible.

               
                             KRAMER
               So, is everything cool? or what?

               
                             TINA
               Yeah, you seem little bit dysfunctional.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well,

               
                             TINA
               Come on Elaine. just tell us the truth.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The Truth!, You want The Truth?

               
               Woodhaven

               
               
               
                             PATRICE
               Who are you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, this is my friend Jerry.

               
                             PATRICE
               Why are you talking like that? And what 
               do YOU want?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Want, want? What could I possibly want? 
               Uh, I just came because I, I heard so 
               many nice things
 
               
               about you from George.

               
                             PATRICE
               George thinks I'm pretentious.

               
                             GEORGE
               Pretentious? Who isn't pretentious? 
               Ha, ha, if everyone who was
 
               
               pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS 
               isn't a mental
 
               
               institution.

               
                             PATRICE
               You're just trying to take it all back 
               because you're feeling guilty I'm in 
               here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, that's not it at all.

               
                             PATRICE
               Don't LIE George.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'M NOT A LIER!

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to 
               security attendent)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Just chatting. Friendly.

               
                             GEORGE
               All righty, no reason for us to uh, 
               raise our voices.
 
               
                             PATRICE
               I know what you said. You can't change 
               that.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What I said? I saw stupid things all 
               the time I can't go two minutes without 
               saying stupid things.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's one stupid thing after another. 
               So let me ask you, when you come to 
               one of these places,
 
               
               what do you bring your pocketbook?

               
                             GEORGE
               You should be the one criticizing me. 
               I, I'm lucky to even know someone like 
               you.
 
               
                             PATRICE
               You mean that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Of course I mean that. I am incapable 
               of guile.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He's never guiled. You know some women 
               keep a lot of important papers in their, 
               uh, pocket book.
 
               
               Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers.
 
               
               
                             PATRICE
               Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome 
               with the tax problem. You know after 
               that day with George I
 
               
               got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help 
               you but I'll need the copies.
 
               
                             JERRY
               there are no copies.

               
                             PATRICE
               So are you saying you want to continue 
               seeing me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Who makes copies?

               
               Elaine's Apartment

               
               
               
                             ELAINE
               The truth is ... I think you make ... 
               a very nice couple.
 
               
               (Elaine exits)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh,

               
                             TINA
               Kramer,

               
               (dancing in the dark to the music)

               
                             TINA
               Here Kramer?

               
                             KRAMER
               No, lets go to the couch...

               
               (sound of smashing glass)

               
               Jerry's Apartment

               
               (

               
                             JERRY
               (on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy 
               of a receipt for a computer thatI bought 
               there....
 
               
               it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a 
               maroon sport jacket - and he might
 
               
               have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come 
               bye ok, bye.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Anybody want to take a walk down to 
               48th street? I think I may have tracked 
               down another receipt.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I can't. I have to go visit Tina in 
               the hospital.
 
               
                             JERRY
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE: 
               First time poets, in a burnt out building, 
               down by the docks,
 
               
               Supposed to be good.

               
               (Kramer enter - all bandaged up.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Are you going to the hospital now?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I suppose I am.

               
                             KRAMER
               All right, great, great uh, we'll share 
               a cab.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're going by 48th St. You can give 
               me a ride.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, I'm getting in on that.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know you're chippin' in.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're going that way anyway!

               

               (Comedy club)

               
               
               
               I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds 
               like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun
               about it, you know. 
               
               But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything 
               to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take
               all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake
               and just kinda crank it around there.

               You know give me a feeling like you might win something. 
               You know what I               
               mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm 
               sorry that's           
               another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting 
               gifts for you. Jail!"





                                   THE END


The Truth



Writers :   Elaine Pope  Larry Charles
Genres :   Comedy


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