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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE UNDERSTUDY



                             Written by

                    Marjorie Gross & Carol Leifer




 
               
               
                             GENNICE
               (Crying) (sob sob)

               
                             JERRY
               (To himself) Now what am I supposed 
               to do here? Shall I go over there? It's 
               not like somebody died. It's "Beaches" 
               for god's sake. If she was sitting next 
               to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't 
               be making a big move like going all 
               the way over there. I can't. I won't.
 
               
               
               (Next day, Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               She calls me this morning and tells 
               me she's upset I didn't console her. 
               I mean it was "Beaches" for god's sake. 
               What, what do you do in a situation 
               like that?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Where were you?

               
                             JERRY
               I was sitting on the chair. She was 
               over here on the couch.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well you know, if you were sitting right 
               next to her you'd have to console her 
               no matter what.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Of course.

               
                             GEORGE
               When you're talking about a movie like 
               "Beaches", moving from the chair to 
               the couch ... that's quite a voyage.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               yeah,

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey. I gotta go.

               
                             KRAMER
               Where you going?

               
                             JERRY
               The Improv is playing "Rochelle Rochelle" 
               The musical.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Really? What is Bette Midler playing? 
               Is she going to be there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               She might be. She's the star of the 
               show.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Bette Midler is going to be in the park 
               today? Yeeee. Jerry, don't tease me.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't know you were such a Bette 
               Midler fan.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So maybe I'll go down there and watch, 
               uh? She'll be there, ,maybe.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Gennice palying today?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, maybe.

               
                             KRAMER
               Who's Gennice?

               
                             JERRY
               That's the understudy. I'm dating her.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. 
               The substitute teachers of the theater 
               world.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't 
               have to avoid going back stage and having 
               to think of something to say.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Going backstage is the worst. Especially 
               when they stink. You know that's a real 
               problem.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Just once I would like to tell someone 
               they stink. You know what? I doidn't 
               like the show. I didn't like you. It 
               just really stunk. The whole thing...real 
               bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets 
               though.
 
               
               
               
               (Ruby's Nail Parlor  - Korean language in quotes)

               
                             RUBY
               You late.

               
                             ELAINE
               I know I know. I didn't have change 
               for the bus and they don't give change 
               in this city. So they threw me off the 
               bus
 
               
                             RUBY
               "That's a shame". You'll have to wait 
               for Lotus now.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How long do you think this will take. 
               I have a millllioooon things to do.
 
               
               
                             RUBY
               "Mustn't keep the princess waiting. 
               Princess in a big hurry." "No change 
               for bus" "Poor princess."
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?, uh?

               
                             RUBY
               Nothing, won't be long.

               
                             LOTUS
               "Princess wants a manicure."

               
                             SUNNY
               "Oh lucky me."

               
                             LOTUS
               "Oh, you got the princess."

               
                             ELAINE
               What is so funny?

               
                             RUBY
               ...tell knock-knock joke.

               
               (Baseball diamond in the park)

               
                             ELAINE
               The Korean women were talking about 
               me. I think they were calling me a dog.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               How would you know? You don't speak 
               Korean.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Because this woman came in with a dog 
               and Ruby called the dog the same word 
               they used when they were pointing at 
               me...ge ge ge
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, maybe in Korean "dog" isn't 
               an insult. Could be like the word "fox" 
               to us. Oh, she's a DOG!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you go to another nail shop?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Because they're the best Jerry, the 
               best. Look. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What you need is a translator to go 
               in the shop with you and tell you what 
               they're saying.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, who speaks Korean?

               
                             JERRY
               You know who speaks Korean?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, who?

               
                             JERRY
               George's father.

               
                             ELAINE
               You gotta' be kidding me. How does he 
               speak Korean?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He used to go there a lot on business.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What did he do?

               
                             JERRY
               He sold religious articles the statues 
               of Jesus, the virgin Mary, that were 
               manufactured in Korea.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh,

               
                             JERRY
               George, does your father speak Korean?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung 
               Sun Moon.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, hi Gennice.

               
                             GENNICE
               Hi Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               This is George, this is Kramer.

               
                             GENNICE
               Nice to meet you.

               
                             JERRY
               Playing today?

               
                             GENNICE
               No. I'm on the bench today.

               
                             JERRY
               They really stick to that understudy 
               rule.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               So she's coming?

               
                             GENNICE
               Oh, yeah, she'll be here. . . .(DROPS 
               HOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter, my frankfurter 
               fell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really 
               good. I can't believe that I dropped 
               it. (sob sob sob sob)
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's okay...it's just a hot dog, (still 
               sobbing) everything is going to be okay.
 
               
               
                             GENNICE
               No it (sob) was really good.

               
               (Crowd yelling - Bette arrives)

               
                             KRAMER
               Look it's Bette It's Bette! Ah, Ah, 
               AH, . . . Bette, psst, hi.
 
               
                             BETTE
               Hi.

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, I just want to say I think you're 
               wonderful.
 
               
                             BETTE
               Uh, thank you.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I've seen you in everything you've 
               done.
 
               
                             BETTE
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               Anything I can get you? Water? They 
               got ice over here.
 
               
                             BETTE
               What flavours do they have?

               
                             KRAMER
               Chocolate, Lemon, and uh, Cherry.

               
                             BETTE
               How about Pineapple?

               
                             KRAMER
               Pineapple, sure, alright, I'll be right 
               back.
 
               
               (First Italian ice cream seller)

               
                             ICE CREAM VENDOR #1
               No pineapple. Just Cherry, Lemon and 
               Tutti-Frutti
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, uh, uh. (Leaves)

               
               (Monk's)

               
                             ELAINE
               Anyway, Mr. Costanza, what I want you 
               to do is to come to the shop with me 
               and tell me what they are saying. You 
               do speak Korean?
 
               
                             FRANK
               I once talked to the reverend Yung Son 
               Moon. He bought two Jesus statues from 
               me. He's a hell of a nice guy.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               uh, ha.

               
                             FRANK
               Ever see that face on him? Like a Biiig 
               apple pie.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah. Uh, uh listen Mr. Costanza, 
               if uh, if you do this for me I'll get 
               you a manicure, I'll pay for it. Or 
               you can get a pedicure if you want.
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               No one is touching my feet. Between 
               you and me, Elaine, I think I've got 
               a foot odour problem.
 
               
               (Baseball diamond- Bette at bat)

               
                             GEORGE
               I watched "Beaches" on cable last night. 
               ...(wings?) ... Give me a break.
 
               
                             BETTE
               Get some talent then you can mouth off.
 
               
               
                             UMPIRE
               Strike three.

               
                             BETTE
               What? Are you blind?

               
                             UMPIRE
               What?

               
                             BETTE
               Nothing, nothing.

               
               (Monk's)

               
                             FRANK
               I had an affair with a Korean woman.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, Mr. Costanza, I ...

               
                             FRANK
               No, I feel I need to unburden myself. 
               I loved her very deeply. But the clash 
               of cultures was too much. Her family 
               would not accept me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mr. Costanza, I, ...

               
                             FRANK
               Maybe it was because I refused to take 
               off my shoes. Again, the foot odour 
               problem. Her father would look at me 
               and say, " eno enoa juang ". Which means, 
               "this guy - this is not my kind of guy".
 
               
               
               (On Stree)

               
                             ICE CREAM VENDOR #2
               Sure I got Pineapple.

               
               (Kramer runs back with it)

               
               (Baseball diamond - George at bat)

               
                             BETTE
               Move it in. Move in everybody. Get your 
               shrimp here. Shrimp on special today!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Come on George, just loosen up.

               
               (George hits one )

               
                             JERRY
               Come on George.

               
                             KRAMER
               I GOT THE PINEAPPLE. : I GOT THE PINEAPPLE.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (to George) Keep going.

               
                             GEORGE
               Aaaaaah

               
               (George runs into Bette (trivia- but misses home plate))

               
                             UMPIRE
               SAFE!

               
               (Mob gets angry and chases George and Jerry)

               
                             GEORGE
               come on it's just a game.

               
                             KRAMER
               (holding bette) Don't worry Kramer is 
               going to take care of everything. See,, 
               I got you Pineapple. I saw Beaches last 
               night for the fourth time (sings) "You 
               are the wind..."
 
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             TV
               the show will go on but not Bette Midler. 
               While playing softball in the park Ms. 
               Midler was injured when another player 
               thoughtlessly rammed her at home plate. 
               All captured on amateur video tape. 
               She will be out for two weeks from her 
               Broadway show; Rochelle Rochelle - The 
               Musical.
 
               
               (Genice enters)

               
                             GENNICE
               . . . Thank you. (hugs Jerry and George)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well we...

               
                             GENNICE
               No, please. This is the first time in 
               my life (sobs) that anyone has ever 
               done anything like this for me. I've 
               always had to struggle so hard for everything 
               I ever got. (sobbing) and I know this 
               is going to be my big break. (sobbing)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (with no emotion) It's okay. Everything 
               is going to be all right.
 
               
               (Knocking at door)

               
                             KRAMER
               Come on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE 
               IN THERE!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Come back another time.

               
               (Shot of each lock being opened)

               
                             KRAMER
               SO...you're all in here together. How 
               convenient. I hope you're all proud 
               of yourselves.
 
               
               (Turning to Genice)

               
                             KRAMER
               So my dear you think you can get to 
               Broadway. Well, let me tell you something. 
               Broadway has no room for people like 
               you. Not the Broadway I know. My Broadway 
               takes people like you and eats them 
               up and spits them out. My Broadway is 
               the Broadway of Merman, and Martin, 
               and Fontaine, and if you think you can 
               build yourself up by knocking other 
               people down... ...GOOD LUCK... (exits)
 
               
               
               (Nail Parlour)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi everyone. Um, this is my friend, 
               Frank.
 
               
                             RUBY
               What would you like today? Manicure, 
               Pedicure?
 
               
                             FRANK
               I'll take a manicure. I don't take my 
               shoes off for anyone.
 
               
                             RUBY
               "That's the least of his problems."
 
               
               
                             FRANK
               What was that?

               
                             ELAINE
               What'd they say? What'd they say?

               
                             FRANK
               They made a derogatory comment about 
               me.
 
               
                             RUBY
               "She's with a man twice her age." "He 
               doesn't look like he's got much money 
               either."
 
               
                             LOTUS
               "Check out that sweater". (all laughing)
 
               
               
                             RUBY
               "I think I saw a moth fly out of a pocket."
 
               
               
                             LOTUS
               "What happened to his tail?"

               
                             FRANK
               Okay, THAT'S IT! "oki on awa" Where's 
               my tail? I heard every word you said. 
               You got some nerve.
 
               
               (Back room)

               
                             KIM
               That voice? It sounds so familiar. It 
               reminds me of when I was ayoung girl 
               in Korea and I met an American businessman. 
               He was a very unusual man. Quick temperd 
               with a strange halting way of speaking. 
               We fell in love but when I brought him 
               home to meet my father? He refused to 
               take his shoes off. And there was a 
               terrible fight.
 
               
                             LOTUS
               That man also refuses to take his shoes 
               off.
 
               
                             FRANK
               (from other room) I never seen people 
               treated like this!
 
               
                             RUBY
               You brought in a spy! . . . Get Out!
 
               
               
                             KIM
               Frank?

               
                             FRANK
               Kim?

               
               (Hospital room)

               
                             KRAMER
               (on phone) A turkey sandwich. A side 
               of slaw, ... you want whit e meat or dark?
 
               
               
                             BETTE
               White meat.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece 
               of dark meat on there. It's your ass 
               buster.
 
               
                             BETTE
               Get me one of those Black and White 
               cookies.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               yeah, all right, yeah.... (hangs up) They 
               don't have any. But don't worry I'm 
               going to get you one somewhere.
 
               
                             BETTE
               Good. Because if I don't get a Black 
               and White cookie I'm not going to be 
               very pleasant to be around.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Now that's impossible.

               
               (On rainy street at night)

               
                             ELAINE
               (sob sob) (bumps into man with an umbrella) 
               ... I don't even know where I'm going.
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               That's the best way to get someplace 
               you've never been.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               yes, (sob) I suppose, ...

               
                             PETERMAN
               Have you been crying?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, (sob) you see this (sob) woman, 
               this manicurist,...
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Oh no, that doesn't matter now. That's 
               a very nice jacket.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, (sob) thanks.

               
                             PETERMAN
               Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo 
               pockets, draw string waist, deep biswing 
               vents in the back perfect for jumping 
               into a gondola.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How do you know all that?

               
                             PETERMAN
               That's my coat.

               
                             ELAINE
               You mean..?

               
                             PETERMAN
               Yes, I'm J. Peterman.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh!

               
               (In Taxi)

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know why I have to go to the 
               hospital. I didn't do anything to Bette 
               Midler. Driver can you stop over here, 
               we're picking somebody up.
 
               
               (Crowd yelling)

               
                             GENNICE
               Hey, I didn't do anything. I was never 
               informed. ... YOU CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT 
               TO HELL.... You see that? You see what 
               I am going through?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So what? Somebody dropped an egg on 
               my head as I went into my building last 
               night.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People 
               are yelling out Galloogy.
 
               
                             GENNICE
               I'm having a little trouble with all 
               this. I mean all I ever wanted to do 
               is sing. Now I'm the focus of this big 
               media frenzy. (sob) Nobody in the show 
               will even talk to me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Stop your crying will ya?

               
                             GENNICE
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               You heard him.

               
                             GENNICE
               Oh, don't you you're the reason this 
               whole thing happened.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, yeah. I read what you said to the 
               papers yesterday. You weren't in on 
               the planing. What planning? YOU THINK 
               WE PLANED THIS? Uh?
 
               
                             CABBIE
               Wait. Wait. I know you. You knocked 
               Bette Midler out of Rochelle Rochelle 
               the Musical. I want you creeps out of 
               my cab.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I had nothing to do with it.

               
                             CABBIE
               Get out of my cab. You should go to 
               prison. You should be in prison for 
               the rest of your life. Get out, each 
               of you. Each and every one of you get 
               out of my cab.
 
               
               (Restaurant)

               
                             PETERMAN
               Then in the distance I heard the bulls. 
               I began running as fast as I could. 
               Fortunately I was wearing my Italian 
               Captoe Oxfords. Sophisticated yet different; 
               nothing to make a huge fuss about. Rich 
               dark brown calfskin leather. Matching 
               leather vent. Men's whole and half sizes 
               7 through 13. Price $135.00.
 
               
               Ex; Oh, that's not too expensive.

               
                             PETERMAN
               That shirt. Where did you get it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, this innocent looking shirt has 
               something which isn't innocent at all. 
               Touchability! Heavy, silky Italian cotton, 
               with a fine almost terrycloth like feeling. 
               Five button placket, relaxed fit, innocence 
               and mayhem at once.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               That's NOT bad!

               
               (Frank's car)

               
                             KIM
               Oh, Frank. So many years. If only you 
               had taken your shoes off.
 
               
                             FRANK
               I couldn't because I had a potential 
               foot problem.
 
               
                             KIM
               I thought maybe you had a hole in your 
               socks.
 
               
                             FRANK
               I wiped them for two minutes on the 
               mat. I don't know why your father had 
               to make a federal case out of it.
 
               
               
                             KIM
               Anyway that is all in the past. We have 
               our whole future ahead of us.
 
               
                             FRANK
               Between you and me I think your country 
               is placing a lot of importance on shoe 
               removal.
 
               
               (Screeching of brakes)

               
                             KIM
               You short stop me? We don't do that 
               in Korea! Take me home. Inever want 
               to see you again.
 
               
               (Bette's hospital room - Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi, here. I made this for your. (gives 
               her a pasta statue)
 
               
                             BETTE
               ... What is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's macaroni Midler.

               
                             BETTE
               Macaroni Midler?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, see how you're singing?

               
                             BETTE
               ... yeah ...ha ha. Well you made a long 
               journey from Milan to Minsk.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               oh, what's that from?

               
                             BETTE
               Oh, that's one of the songs from my 
               show. Bette sings:
 
               
               "Well you made a long journey from Milan to Minsk.

               Rochelle Rochelle.

               You never stopped hoping. now you're in the Pinsk

               Rochelle Rochelle

               When the nay sayers nay you pick up your pace

               So nothing's going to stop me so get out of my face.

               I'm having adventures all over the place.

               Rochelle ROCHELLE!"

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh You are so freaking talented.

               
               (knock at door - Kramer goes out into hall)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, so look who's here. What do you 
               want.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We just want to talk to her. We want 
               to apologize and tell her the whole 
               thing was an accident.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Bette is recuperating right now and 
               I'm not going to allow anything to disturb 
               her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Who are you to decide?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm calling the shots around here so 
               there won't be anymore ACCIDENTS!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, look, Kramer,...

               
                             KRAMER
               AH! I don't want her disturbed.

               
               (Outside Broadway Theater)

               
                             RUBY
               hello, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello

               
                             LOTUS
               We're so excited.

               
                             ELAINE
               You're welcome.

               
                             RUBY
               We'll see you inside.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well I felt bad about the spying, so 
               you know, ,I got them tickets to the 
               show.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see 
               you later.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Wait, wait. I didn't get to tell you 
               about my new job.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Where?

               
                             ELAINE
               Writing for the J. Peterman catalogue.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (pushing her) How did you get that?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I met him.

               
                             JERRY
               You met J. Peterman?

               
                             ELAINE
               yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               What is he like?

               
               
                             JERRY
               (walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               . . . Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double...
 
               
               
               (Backstage)

               
                             JERRY
               Well, break a leg tonight.

               
                             GENNICE
               I'm really nervous.

               
                             STAGEHAND
               Here you got a telegram. Well, look 
               who's here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Listen buddy,

               
                             STAGEHAND
               What are you going to do? Break my legs? 
               You don't scare me. You or your goons.
 
               
               
                             GENNICE
               How do you like this?

               
                             JERRY
               What is it?

               
                             GENNICE
               My grandmother died.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I'm so sorry.

               
                             GENNICE
               Oh, it's okay,

               
                             JERRY
               So you don't cry when your grandmother 
               dies? But a hotdog makes you lose control?
 
               
               
                             VOICE
               (Off camera) Places everyone.

               
                             GENNICE
               I gotta go.

               
                             JERRY
               Good luck.

               
               (Audience)

               
                             ANNOUNCER
               ladies and gentlemen for this evening's 
               performance the part of Rochelle will 
               be played by Gennice Grant.
 
               
                             LOTUS
               Gennice Glant?

               
                             RUBY
               What happened to Bette Midler?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, she got hurt.

               
                             RUBY
               No Bette Midler? (they talk Korean and 
               all three leave)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I, uh, wait..

               
               (On Stage)

               
                             GENNICE
               (singing and dancing) "It's a long journey 
               from Milan to Minsk" (Shoe lace comes 
               undone) wait wait. Hold it stop, (sob) 
               I'm sorry, I have to start it over, 
               my shoelace. (sob) I can't do it like 
               this. Please let me start over. (sob) 
               Please. (sob) Please.... 
               
               
               
                             THE END



The Understudy



Writers :   Marjorie Gross  Carol Leifer
Genres :   Comedy


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