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                         THE VAN BUREN BOYS



                             Written by

                            Darin Henry



 
               
               
                             
               (A Restaurant)

               
                             ELLEN
               So, they have this clock now, where 
               you punch in your age, and all your 
               risk factors. It actually counts down 
               how much time you have left to live.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So what's the great moment? You're on 
               your death bed, they're pounding on 
               your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 
               8,.. I told you this thing was good!
 
               
               
                             ELLEN
               (Laughs) I can't believe this is our 
               first date.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I know.. How about dessert?

               
                             ELLEN
               I suppose I have to get a piece of cake..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             ELLEN
               Today's my birthday.

               
                             JERRY
               What? Today? Really?

               
                             ELLEN
               Yeah.

               
               (Waiters come out with a cake, singing "Happy Birthday" to a 
               woman named "Lisa" at another table. Jerry ponders why Ellen 
               isn't celebrating with her friends)
 
               
               

               
                             
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               So, she went out with you on a first 
               date.. and it was her birthday?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. And she picked the day!

               
                             GEORGE
               Is she socially awkward?

               
                             JERRY
               No, she's great! She's.. attractive, 
               she's fun..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, maybe she decided to celebrate 
               her birthday on the Monday after the 
               weekend.
 
               
                             JERRY
               She's not Lincoln.

               
               (Enter Kramer)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'll pass.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey, 
               George! Pizza? Yum, yum!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the 
               foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers 
               for the Susan Ross.. scholarship.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Does it ever bother you that this organization-
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Nope!

               
                             JERRY
               is beating the bushes-

               
                             GEORGE
               Nope! (Starts heading for the door)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               to basically give this money away-
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Noo!

               
                             JERRY
               to virtually anyone, as long as they're 
               not you?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with 
               it! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves)
 
               
               
               

               
                             
               Susan Ross Foundation conference room)
 
               
               
                             STUDENT 1
               And then I received a 740 on the English 
               achievement test. (George looks bored)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Quick, what's your favorite animal?
 
               
               
                             STUDENT 1
               I.. I don't know.. frog?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Disappointed) A frog?

               
                             STUDENT 1
               Well, I.. I..

               
                             GEORGE
               (Annoyed) Frog is wrong.

               
               (Cut to another student's interview)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Reading) I see here that you play the 
               harp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt 
               it? Can't you just build it on an angle? 
               It'd save you a lot of trouble.
 
               
                             STUDENT 2
               Well, the modern-day harp has been refined 
               over thousands of years-
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let 
               you know.
 
               
               (Cut to another student interview)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0.
 
               
               
                             STUDENT 3
               (Smiling gloatingly) You like that, 
               don't you?
 
               
               (Cut to another student interview)

               
                             GEORGE
               so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president 
               of the chess club.
 
               
                             STEVEN
               State champs.

               
                             GEORGE
               Who's your favorite chess player?

               
                             STEVEN
               (Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country 
               is he from, again?
 
               
                             STEVEN
               (Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up. 
               (Gets up to leave) I'm never gonna get 
               this thing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah, 
               woah! What are you telling me for? You 
               really had me going, there! C'mon, sit 
               down. (They both sit back down)
 
               
               What do you want to do when you grow up?

               
                             STEVEN
               I've been telling people that I'd like 
               to be an architect..
 
               
               (George is suddenly interested)

               
               

               
                             
               Jerry's apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               So, get this: Mister Peterman is finally 
               letting me do some real writing. He's 
               got this book deal, for his autobiography. 
               He's gonna let me ghost write it.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Wow. That's great! When it comes out, 
               I'll have to get someone to ghost read 
               it.
 
               
               (Elaine mockingly laughs at Jerry's joke. Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey!

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's 
               - loading up my slice of the fixin's 
               bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking 
               of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not.. 
               mmm,
 
               
               mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the 
               stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye 
               back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you
 
               
               know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the 
               entire Van Buren Boys!
 
               
                             JERRY
               The Van Buren Boys? There's a street 
               gang named after President Martin Van 
               Buren?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as 
               he was! So, I make a move to the door, 
               you know, (makes a noise) they block 
               it! So, I lunged for the bathroom.
 
               
               
               (demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me 
               up agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they 
               just stop.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? What happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               Because I'm still holding the garlic 
               shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's 
               peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm 
               only showing eight fingers.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what does that mean?

               
                             KRAMER
               That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, 
               he was teh eighth President.. (Holds 
               up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former 
               Van B. Boy!
 
               
               

               
                             
               Outside a coffee shop)

               
                             ELLEN
               (Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you 
               hold on a sec? I just want to check 
               my messages.. (She meets up with two 
               of her friends on the way to the phone)
 
               
               
               Oh, Melissa! Kim!

               
                             MELISSA
               Ellen.

               
                             ELLEN
               Hey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry. 
               (Gestures tward Jerry, then goes back 
               to the phone)
 
               
                             MELISSA
               Ohh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially) 
               It is so sweet of you to take her out.
 
               
               
                             KIM
               Yeah, you don't even know how much she 
               needs this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Sympathetically) She coming of a bad 
               break-up?
 
               
                             KIM
               (Casually) No.

               
                             MELISSA
               See ya!

               
               (They walk off. Ellen hangs up, then walks over to Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               Any messages?

               
                             ELLEN
               Yeah, no one called.

               
               

               
                             
               Coffee shop)

               
                             JERRY
               They act like it was some act of charity. 
               Just going out with her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So, she's the loser of the group. Every 
               group has someone that they all make 
               fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry 
               thinks about this, then shakes it off)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               There is no way Ellen is the loser of 
               that group.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Are you looking deep down at the real 
               person underneath?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly 
               can!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may 
               have found someone for the scholarship.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm interviewing all these annoying 
               little overachievers.. finally, this 
               kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular 
               guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Is he smart?

               
                             GEORGE
               (Defensively) He knows how to read. 
               And he also knows finishing an entire 
               book doesn't prove anything. And get 
               this: he's into architecture.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey! Just like you pretend to be.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes. With a little guidance, Steven 
               Koren is going to be everything I claim 
               to be, only for real. That's my dream, 
               Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I had a dream last night that a hamburger 
               was eating me!
 
               
               

               
                             
               J. Peterman's apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               Mister Peterman, thanks for having me 
               over. Your place isn't quite what I 
               imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign 
               of Peterman's personality)
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Ohhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits 
               in his recliner)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, (Clears throat) what part of your 
               life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder, 
               and sets it down on the table) do you 
               want to start with? Foreign
 
               
               intrigue? Exotic romances?

               
                             PETERMAN
               Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that 
               in the catalogue ad nauseum. No, I would 
               like this book to be about my day-to-day 
               life.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
                             PETERMAN
               (Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping 
               through the channels) Oh damn. They 
               changed the cable stations again.. just 
               when I finally memorized them.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to, 
               um..
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               (Still flipping through the channels) 
               2.. CBS..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               get, um, started..

               
                             PETERMAN
               3.. I don't know what that is.. where's 
               my damn preview channel?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (After observing Peterman's home life) 
               Well, I - I got ta tell you, Mister 
               Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole 
               book here.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. 
               What do you say you and I order ourselves 
               a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know, a friend of mine almost got 
               beat up at that place by the Van Buren 
               Boys?
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               (Interested) You don't say.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. The only think that saved him 
               is that he accidentally flashed their 
               secret gang sign.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Well, that's pretty exciting. (Pause) 
               Let's put that in the book.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               But, that didn't happen to you.

               
                             PETERMAN
               So, we pay off your friend, and it becomes 
               a Peterman.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I - I really don't think you can 
               do that.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               (Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn. 
               I forgot to buy plant food again.. I'll 
               bet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking 
               through a small coupon box)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know what? Maybe I better talk to 
               my friend.
 
               
               

               
                             
               Coffee shop)

               
               (Jerry's on a date with Ellen, he's desperately trying to find 
               out what is wrong with her)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Is that the same outfit you were wearing 
               yesterday?
 
               
                             ELLEN
               No, this is brand new. Do you like it?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! 
               Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! 
               (Dramatically) Are you using the fork 
               that fell on the floor?!
 
               
                             ELLEN
               (Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game 
               be another one.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I guess that's all right.

               
                             ELLEN
               Is something wrong, Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               No, absolutely nothing. (They get up 
               to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet 
               up with Kramer and George on the way 
               out) Hey guys!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               (Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, 
               this is Ellen.
 
               
               (Kramer gives a look)

               
               

               
                             
               Susan Ross Foundation conference room)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the 
               door, Steven is standing there) is Steven 
               Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right 
               in that meaty part of the curve -
 
               
               
               not showing off, not falling behind.

               
                             WYCK
               George, the quailifications for this 
               scholarship were suppose to be.. largely 
               academic.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws 
               and biases of standardized tests..
 
               
               
                             WYCK
               These aren't standardized tests - these 
               are his grades.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Besides, Steven Koren has the highest 
               of aspirations. He wants to be (pauses 
               for effect) an architect.
 
               
                             WYCK
               Is that right?

               
                             STEVEN
               Actually, maybe I could set my sights 
               a little bit higher.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than 
               an architect.
 
               
                             STEVEN
               I think I'd really like to be a city 
               planner. (Sits down, addressing the 
               entire foundation board) Why limit myself 
               to just one building, when I can design 
               a
 
               
               whole city?

               
                             WYCK
               Well, that's a good point.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Mutters) No, it's not.

               
                             STEVEN
               Well, isn't an architect just an art 
               school drop-out with a tilty desk, and 
               a big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board 
               members)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Irritated) It's called a T-square.
 
               
               
                             WYCK
               You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity 
               became an architect - after he flunked 
               out of dental school! (Everyone but 
               George laughs) Contratulations,
 
               
               young man. (Shakes Steven's hand)

               
                             STEVEN
               Thank you.

               
                             WYCK
               Susan would be proud of what you're 
               doing.
 
               
                             STEVEN
               Thank you.

               
               

               
                             
               Peterman's office)

               
               (Kramer is selling his Van Buren Boys story to Peterman)

               
                             KRAMER
               And they made it their sign, because, 
               Van Buren, our 8th President, was the 
               man they most admired.
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               (Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is 
               one ripping good yarn.. (Hands Kramer 
               a check)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You know, if you like that one, I got 
               more.. what are you looking for? Romance? 
               Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks 
               his tongue)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, uh, Kramer. I don't think -

               
                             PETERMAN
               (Interrupting) How much would you take 
               for the whole lot?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               My whole lot?

               
                             PETERMAN
               Name your price, man!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Thinks) 1500 dollars.

               
                             PETERMAN
               I'll give you half that.

               
                             KRAMER
               (Excited) Done!

               
                             PETERMAN
               Kramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine) 
               consider Elaine at your disposal.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like 
               to work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps 
               back, and covers her head in misfortune)
 
               
               
               

               
                             
               Elaine's office)

               
               (Elaine is growing weary of Kramer's childish antics. Kramer's 
               practicing putting golf balls on her office floor)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Would you please just get on with the 
               stupid Bob Saccamano story?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and 
               I realize right then and there that 
               I need to return this pair of pants. 
               So, I'm off to the store.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What happened to Bob Saccamano?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, nothing. His part of the story 
               is done. (Elaine covers her face with 
               her hands - showing her difficulty coping 
               with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the
 
               
               
               subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the 
               tunnel.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, well, now that's something..
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I don't know if I lost track of 
               time - or what, but the next think I 
               knew..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Adding) A train is bearing down on 
               you?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, I slipped - and fell in the mud. 
               Ruining the very pants I was about to 
               return.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Reflects on the story) I don't understand.. 
               you were wearing the pants you were 
               returning?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I guess I was..

               
                             ELAINE
               (Still confused) What were you gonna 
               wear on the way back?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't 
               even get there! (Pauses) All right, 
               next story..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, I think I got enough for one 
               day.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, chew on that.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting 
               a little get-together tonight in honor 
               of my little financial upturn..
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, thanks. I've got plans.

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, you should be there to document 
               it.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting 
               together with some of your jackass friends, 
               and you want me to take notes?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, but get there after nine. You 
               know, give the poeple a chance to loosen 
               up.
 
               
               (Kramer turns to go, but slips on a golf ball. He falls to the 
               ground. Elaine looks at him as if to say 'What a doofus.')
 
               
               
               

               
                             
               Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               So you're denying him the scholarship 
               just because he wants to be a city planner?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I was betrayed! That kid was like a 
               son to me. And if there's one person 
               you should be able to hold down, it's 
               your own flesh and blood. Like my
 
               
               
               father.. my father's father before him.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, maybe philanthropy is not 
               your field. (Phone rings, he answers 
               it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called 
               the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You're spending the weekend with Ellen?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) 
               Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they 
               said we could stay an extra couple of 
               days if we want to! (George is
 
               
               disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They 
               talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait.. 
               buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and
 
               
               Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George 
               takes the phone off the hook) What is this?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Kramer) You want to start?

               
                             KRAMER
               (To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go 
               ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. 
               has gone far enough.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George 
               points to Kramer - gesturing that he's 
               right on target)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Where is this coming from? She's great!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? 
               Is it your career? Things will pick 
               up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               There's nothing wrong with my career!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Like a parent) Well, I still like the 
               Bloomingdale's executive training program 
               for him.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I though we said we weren't going to 
               discuss that now!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, I think it's something 
               he should consider.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Of course he should consider it, but 
               now is not the time!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Listen, George, all these issues are 
               interrelated.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) 
               I'm not buying any of this!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right, so what're you saying? That 
               we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but 
               you!
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, this is liek that Twilight 
               Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's 
               the same - but everyone else is different!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Which one?

               
                             JERRY
               They were all like that!

               
               

               
                             
               NYC Street)

               
               (George comes out of a store, he meets up with Steven Koren)
 
               
               
                             STEVEN
               Why'd you take away my scholarship, 
               Mister Costanza?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden, 
               a small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding 
               George)
 
               
                             STEVEN
               These are my new friends - The Van Buren 
               Boys.
 
               
                             MEMBER 1
               He became so disillusioned, he had to 
               join us.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh.. nice.

               
                             STEVEN
               I want my scholarship back, so I can 
               be a city planner.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What about architect, Steven?

               
                             MEMBER 1
               (Moves threateningly close to George) 
               City planner.
 
               
               

               
                             
               Cafe)

               
               (Kramer is having his party, Elaine is painfully sitting through 
               it)
 
               
                             FRIEND 1
               Great party, K-man!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns 
               to Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef 
               - because that's realy au jus sauce, 
               huh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Sourly) I'll make a note of it.

               
                             FRIEND 1
               Hey, Kramer,

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah?

               
                             FRIEND 1
               Ramirez has never heard your pants story.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano 
               on the phone, and I suddenly realized 
               that I- (Elaine stops him)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You can't tell that story now. It belongs 
               to Peterman.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What do ya mean?

               
                             ELAINE
               You signed the release.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               He sat in mud. Not you.

               
                             KRAMER
               But I did sit in mud.

               
                             ELAINE
               (Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in 
               mud!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Pleading) I was all dirty!

               
                             ELAINE
               It ever happened! Understand?

               
               (Kramer's friends get restless, and beg for the rest of the story)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right! 
               Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants. 
               they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so 
               I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return 
               them!
 
               
               (Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

               
               (The crowd is disappointed)

               
                             FRIEND 1
               It's getting late. Maybe we better get 
               going. (They all get up to leave)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah! 
               I don't.. (watches his friends leave)
 
               
               
               (Enter George)

               
                             KRAMER
               (Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big 
               trouble with the - with the Van Buren 
               Boys.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, now, they're tough cookies.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their 
               good side. Now, what'd you do?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and 
               realizes he can't tell the Van Buren 
               Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing.. 
               No, I certainly don't have any stories, 
               if that's
 
               
               what you're implying. (Laughs heartily)

               
                             GEORGE
               (Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those 
               guys are gonna do to me?!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't 
               hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren 
               Boys - they never hassle their own kind.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You mean, like, a former member?

               
               (Kramer nods his head while drinking from a mug of beer)

               
               

               
                             
               Jerry's apartment)

               
                             ELAINE
               These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs 
               through them) I mean, some of them aren't 
               even stories! (Holds one out) Look, 
               this is a list of things in his
 
               
               apartment!

               
                             JERRY
               Is my toaster oven on there?

               
                             ELAINE
               How am I ever gonna turn this into a 
               book?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, just shape them - change them. 
               You're a writer.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes! I'm a writer.

               
                             JERRY
               Make them interesting.

               
                             ELAINE
               Interesting! Of course! People love 
               interesting writing!
 
               
               (Jerry reacts oddly, as if to say 'That's enough of that!')
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm 
               picking up my parents.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What? Wheren't they just here?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. 
               I don't know where to turn! I gotta 
               see what they think of her.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Maybe we could all have dinner later?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get 
               them to fly right back tonight.
 
               
               (Enter Kramer)

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about 
               my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this 
               story! (Rubs his hands together) So, 
               I line up my cold cuts on the couch
 
               
               
               next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into 
               my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer, this is awful! We don't want 
               to hear about this!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Damn!

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories 
               from Newman - but they all stink!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               How much did you pay for them?

               
                             KRAMER
               Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off! 
               (Leaves, yelling out "Newman!")
 
               
               

               
                             
               Peterman's office)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, what didn't you like about the first 
               chapter?
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               Well, it started out nicely: "I'm returning 
               some pants." A very identifiable problem.. 
               (turns page) "I set of down a train 
               tunnel.".. (turns page) But that's
 
               
               
               where the story takes a most unappealing turn.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting! 
               Don't you see? The - the train is bearing 
               down on you, you - you dive into a side 
               tunnel - and you run into a
 
               
               whole band of underground tunnel dwellers!

               
                             PETERMAN
               It just seems so cliched, and obvious. 
               It's not interesting writing.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about 
               if, instead of.. diving from the train, 
               you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip 
               and, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin 
               your
 
               
               pants?

               
                             PETERMAN
               (Intrigued) The very pants I was returning. 
               That's perfect irony! Elaine, that is 
               interesting writing! (The intercom beeps)
 
               
               
                             SECRETARY
               I have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4.

               
                             PETERMAN
               (Picks up the phone) Peterman, here.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my 
               stories back!
 
               
                             PETERMAN
               You want to know something? I no longer 
               need them!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we 
               keep them - as a, as a reference?
 
               
               
                             PETERMAN
               Nonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes' 
               woderfully imaginative mind to spin 
               my stories. You take back your tales, 
               you vagabond!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yippie-yi-yay!

               
                             PETERMAN
               (Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go 
               forth, and create. (Elaine gets up to 
               leave) And, by the way, when you get 
               to that chapter about my romantic
 
               
               
               escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix.

               
               

               
                             
               NYC Street)

               
               (George meets up with the Van Buren Boys again)

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Van B. Boys.

               
                             STEVEN
               So, Mister Costanza, did you get my 
               scholarship back?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't 
               want to beat up on one of your own.
 
               
               
                             MEMBER 2
               Is that right? Then why don't you flash 
               us the sign?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes 
               a series of stupid gestures)
 
               
                             STEVEN
               That's not the sign.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Defensively loud) It was when I was 
               banging!
 
               
                             MEMBER 2
               All right, if you really are one of 
               us.. let's see you take the wallet off 
               the next guy who walks by.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then 
               winces under the pain)
 
               
               

               
                             
               Coffee shop)

               
                             ELLEN
               And after college, I got my masters 
               at the Sorbonne.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Sorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's 
               in Paris.
 
               
                             ELLEN
               (Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're 
               parking meter's about to expire. Don't 
               get up, I've got change. (Leaves with 
               her purse)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (To his parents) So? What do you think?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, she's fantastic.

               
                             JERRY
               I knew it! I'm not crazy.

               
                             HELEN
               She's so sweet, and she's got some body 
               on her!
 
               
                             MORTY
               And smart! Like a computer!

               
                             HELEN
               And so much personality! But, it doesn't 
               matter what we think. Do you like her?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (After seeing how much his parents like 
               her) Now, I'm not so sure.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Well, she's 10 times better than that 
               awful Amber girl that you were with.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back 
               from Vegas..
 
               
               

               
                             
               NYC Alley)

               
                             MEMBER 2
               The next one, or you're meat!

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the 
               sidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds!
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Hey, George!

               
                             GEORGE
               Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. 
               Give me your wallet. I'll give it back 
               to you later.
 
               
                             MORTY
               How're your folks?

               
                             GEORGE
               Eh, they're trying to pick out a new 
               couch - you don't want to know. (Remembering 
               the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me 
               your wallet, or I'll spill your
 
               
               guts right here on the street!

               
                             MORTY
               What did you say?

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal!
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               You're being very rude. Come on, Morty.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna 
               hit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse, 
               she starts hitting George defensively, 
               he backs off)
 
               
                             MORTY
               Tell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They 
               leave)
 
               
               (The Van Buren Boys come out of the alley, George holds up his 
               hand in a "stop" gesture - then takes off running down the street, 
               screaming. The Van Buren Boys chase him)


               
               
                            THE END





The Van Buren Boys



Writers :   Darin Henry
Genres :   Comedy


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