The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE VIRGIN



                             Written by

                            Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Jerry and George talking near a bar.)

               
                             JERRY
               We're dead.

               
                             GEORGE
               We're not dead.

               
                             JERRY
               We are dead.

               
                             GEORGE
               Come on. We got all day tomorrow to 
               come up with a story.
 
               
                             JERRY
               All day tomorrow? We had a month and 
               a half to come up with something and 
               we didn't do anything.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So we'll do it tomorrow.

               
                             JERRY
               Let me ask you something. When's the 
               last time you went skiing?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               About six years ago.

               
                             JERRY
               I think you can take the lift ticket 
               off your jacket now.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Women like skiers.

               
                             JERRY
               So what? You can't meet anybody. You're 
               going on with Susan.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Right.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, see those two women over there? 
               I almost dated the one on the right. 
               She's in the closet business.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               The closet business? What's the closet 
               business?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is it your business?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm interested.

               
                             JERRY
               She reorganizes your closet and shows 
               you how to maximize your closet space. 
               She looked into my closet.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So you thought she was good looking 
               and figured this would be a good way 
               to meet her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. So what happened?

               
                             JERRY
               So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend 
               and then it hit me. What do I need more 
               closet space for? (Across the room) 
               Hi, Marla.
 
               
                             MARLA
               (Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George, Marla.

               
                             GEORGE
               Marla.

               
                             MARLA
               George. Jerry, Stacey.

               
                             JERRY
               Stacey.

               
                             STACEY
               Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               George, Stacey.

               
                             GEORGE
               Stacey.

               
                             STACEY
               George.

               
                             JERRY
               George.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry's cue) 
               Stacey! (Walks over to Stacey)
 
               
                             MARLA
               So, how was your trip to Berlin?

               
                             JERRY
               Trip to Berlin?

               
                             MARLA
               Remember? That's why you put off doing 
               the closets. You said you were going 
               to Berlin for a while.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, right, right.

               
                             MARLA
               The wall had just come down, and you 
               told me you wanted to be part of the 
               celebration.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was 
               watching it on CNN, and they covered 
               it so well I thought, "Why knock my 
               brains out?"
 
               
                             MARLA
               You, know my boyfriend went.

               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             MARLA
               Yes, I told him all about you going 
               and he got all excited and decided to 
               go.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, did he like it?

               
                             MARLA
               I don't know. He never came back. (Over 
               to the other side of the bar)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway, we met with NBC about a month 
               ago and they gave us the green light 
               to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact, 
               we got a big meeting with them tomorrow. 
               They gotta approve of the story before 
               we can write.
 
               
                             STACEY
               Wow, what a great job. A writer.

               
                             GEORGE
               Not a bad way to make a buck.

               
                             STACEY
               Sounds great.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a 
               lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly 
               easy to me. Some people write symphonies. 
               This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket 
               while Stacey looks away)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So, are you gonna go out with her?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I might.

               
                             JERRY
               What about Susan?

               
                             GEORGE
               What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed 
               to go out with somebody else?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Depends.

               
                             GEORGE
               Depends on what?

               
                             JERRY
               On many factors.

               
                             GEORGE
               Like what?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, how long you've been seeing her. 
               What's your phone call frequency? Are 
               you on a daily?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a 
               week.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What about Saturday nights? Do you have 
               to ask her out, or is a date implied?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Implied.

               
                             JERRY
               She got anything in your medicine cabinet?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               There might be some moisturizer.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there 
               any tampax in your house?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (Pause) Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, I'll tell you what you've got 
               here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               You got yourself a girlfriend.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily 
               with tampax in his house and an implied 
               date on Saturday night. I would like 
               to help you out, but...
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Would you believe my luck? The first 
               time in my life I have a good answer 
               to the question, "What do you do?" and 
               I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't 
               need a girlfriend when you can answer 
               that question. That's what you say in 
               order to get girlfriends. Once you can 
               get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, 
               you just want more girlfriends.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're going to make a good father someday.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just 
               not fair. All right, all right. That's 
               it. I'm getting out of this thing.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Fine. Break up with her. But you know 
               what this means?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, what?

               
                             JERRY
               The script, the pilot, the TV show. 
               That's all over.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why? What do you mean?

               
                             JERRY
               Figure it out. She's one of the executives 
               at NBC that's gonna make the decision 
               whether or not they pick up the show. 
               She's one of our biggest fans. You drop 
               her off, you think they're gonna pick 
               us up?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, right. Oh no, man.

               
                             JERRY
               you know, it's a very interesting situation. 
               Here you have a job that can get you 
               girls. But, you also have a relationship. 
               But if you try and get rid of the relationship 
               so you can get the girls, you lose the 
               job. You see the irony?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right. 
               What about this? What if I can find 
               some way to break up with her so that 
               she'll still like me and it doesn't 
               affect the deal.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (sarcastically) Oh, yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss 
               this. You're very quick to dismiss. 
               Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush 
               on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. 
               She talks about him all the time. Suppose 
               I go up to David Letterman. He works 
               at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my 
               situation. He agrees to meet her. They 
               go out, they fall madly in love. And 
               she dumps me for David Letterman.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               This is your plan?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no. I'm just thinking.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't think you are.

               
               
                             MARLA
               Let me tell you what I think.

               
                             JERRY
               Please, and be brutal. I have no closet 
               sensitivity.
 
               
                             MARLA
               Are you very fussy about your pants?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't think I am.

               
                             MARLA
               Because I have a very radical idea. 
               Can you handle it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Try me.

               
                             MARLA
               Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate 
               all this. The hangers, the bar, the 
               shelves. And in its place install a 
               series of hooks. We'll put everything 
               on hooks.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Everything?

               
                             MARLA
               Everything. The shirts, pants, sport 
               jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty 
               hooks on here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer 
               enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes 
               into other room) Hey?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing?

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             KRAMER
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               This is not a good time.

               
                             KRAMER
               Five minutes. What?

               
                             JERRY
               What did you have to give your TV away 
               to George for?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Because I've been watching too much. 
               It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. 
               It was, it was destroying my brain cells.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but now you're in here all the 
               time. (Marla enters from other room)
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, wow.

               
                             JERRY
               Marla, Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Why don't you go out? It's nice out.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, no. There's nothing out there for 
               me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               There's weather.

               
                             KRAMER
               Weather? I don't need weather. Weather 
               doesn't do it for me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm tellin' George to give you your 
               TV back.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause) 
               Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know.

               
                             KRAMER
               Will you tape it?

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer... (points to Marla)

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. (He exits)

               
                             JERRY
               So your boyfriend never came back from 
               Berlin.
 
               
                             MARLA
               Never came back.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you must have been devastated being 
               left for a wall.
 
               
                             MARLA
               It was about to end anyway. There was 
               this... problem.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. 
               Yeah?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's me.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just 
               a friend of mine. I don't know what 
               she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry. 
               What?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I didn't get it.

               
                             JERRY
               Ugh. So you were saying there was this 
               problem.
 
               
                             MARLA
               Well, he wanted me to move in with him.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Snapple?

               
                             MARLA
               No thanks.

               
                             JERRY
               Go on.

               
                             MARLA
               Well I wouldn't move in because...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes.

               
                             MARLA
               Well because...

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             MARLA
               Well because I'm a virgin. (Elaine enters)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hello!

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, um. Marla, Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. 
               I just wanted to return your tape.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now 
               that costs me thirty-five dollars to 
               see Havana.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I'm sorry, I really am. I just kept 
               forgetting.
 
               
                             MARLA
               I should be going.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, I'm leaving.

               
                             JERRY
               I like that thing in your hair there.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah? This woman was selling them 
               at this crazy party I was at last night. 
               You'll appreciate this. Snapple?
 
               
                             MARLA
               No thanks.

               
                             ELAINE
               I was talking to this guy, you know, 
               and I just happened to throw my purse 
               on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying 
               out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! 
               Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's 
               just lying there. So then, this woman, 
               the one who sold me this hair thing, 
               she grabbed it before the guy noticed, 
               so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry 
               around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, 
               like it's a big, big secret that women 
               carry around their diaphragms. You never 
               know when you're gonna need it, right? 
               (Sips the Snapple) Ahh.
 
               
               
               
                             MARLA
               I should be going.

               
                             JERRY
               So we'll talk about the hooks then?
 
               
               
                             MARLA
               Yes. (She exits)

               
                             ELAINE
               What? Was it something I said?

               
                             JERRY
               She's a virgin, she just told me.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well I didn't know.

               
                             JERRY
               Well it's not like spotting a toupee.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Well you think I should say something? 
               Should I say something? Should I apologize? 
               Was I being anti-virgin?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, I mean...

               
                             ELAINE
               'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be 
               right back. (She leaves)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's George.

               
               
                             GEORGE
               She's a virgin?

               
                             JERRY
               A virgin.

               
                             GEORGE
               Wow. So what're you gonna do?

               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. I'm very attracted to 
               her. That accent, it's so sexy.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I don't think I could do it. You know, 
               they always remember the first time. 
               I don't want to be remembered. I wanna 
               be forgotten.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You need a little pioneer spirit. You 
               know, you don't have any of that Lewis 
               and Clark in you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know, sometimes those guys don't 
               make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm 
               really hungry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, me too.

               
                             GEORGE
               We gotta get something. I don't want 
               to go to that meeting on an empty stomach. 
               Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order 
               it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               All right, but then we gotta get some 
               work done. Let me just call Kramer, 
               see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we 
               ordering Chinese food. If you want anything-- 
               (Kramer enters quickly) let me know 
               what it is and I'll order for you.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm in. Let's go for it.

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you want?

               
                             KRAMER
               I don't care, whatever.

               
                             GEORGE
               I'll tell you what. Why don't we just 
               get a couple of dishes and we'll just 
               share 'em.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Okay. What are you getting?

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm gonna get a Chow Fung.

               
                             KRAMER
               What's a Chow Fung?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a broad noodle.

               
                             KRAMER
               What do you mean, a broad noodle?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's a big flat noodle.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I don't want a big flat noodle.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What kind of noodle do you want?

               
                             KRAMER
               Who says I want a noodle?

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, look. I'm getting the Chow 
               Fung. You don't have to have any.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               All right. I'll get pea pods and you 
               can't have any of my pea pods.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Fine.

               
                             KRAMER
               Get extra MSG.

               
               
                             ELAINE
               Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is 
               totally overrated. Now, here's the one 
               thing you've gotta be ready for is how 
               the man changes into a completely different 
               person five seconds after it's over. 
               I mean, something happens to their personality 
               it's really quite astounding. It's like 
               they committed a crime and they want 
               to flee the scene before the police 
               get there.
 
               
                             MARLA
               So they just leave?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart 
               ones start working on their getaway 
               stories during dinner. How, you know, 
               they gotta get up early tomorrow. What 
               is about being up early? They all turn 
               into farmers suddenly.
 
               
                             MARLA
               Wow. It must be pretty good to put up 
               with all that.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Eh.

               
               
                             JERRY
               All right, let's go. We don't have much 
               time before the meeting.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Where's the food? What happened to Ping?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we 
               only got about two hours. We just need 
               to come up with one good story so we 
               can get through this meeting. (Buzzer) 
               There's your food.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. 
               The motorist is uninsured, you with 
               me?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               My car's totaled. It's all his fault 
               and now, he has absolutely no money. 
               There is no way that he can pay me. 
               So the judge decrees that he becomes 
               my butler.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Your butler?

               
                             GEORGE
               Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my 
               house, he does all my shopping for me. 
               And there you go, that's your program.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What about me?

               
                             GEORGE
               Don't worry, we'll find something for 
               you. (Knock of Jerry's door)
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Getting the door) That's the stupidest 
               idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a 
               butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured 
               Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               There was a bit of an accident.

               
                             PING
               Head hurts. Head really hurts.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               Marla and I went out for coffee and 
               afterwards I was crossing the street 
               and he was biking right towards me. 
               So I got out of the way just in time, 
               but then he ran into a parked car. He 
               hit his head and everything went flying.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Something happened to the food?

               
                             PING
               I only saved one bag.

               
                             JERRY
               Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna 
               see a doctor?
 
               
                             MARLA
               I'll get some ice.

               
                             GEORGE
               (After looking in the bag) The pea pods? 
               All you saved was the pea pods? (Kramer 
               enters)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, you got the food?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, here.

               
                             KRAMER
               What took you so long? Hey, Ping!

               
                             PING
               Kramer. (Kramer and George sit on the 
               couch)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. Where's yours?

               
                             GEORGE
               He dropped it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, that's too bad.

               
                             ELAINE
               You should slow down, you know that? 
               It's dangerous to go that fast.
 
               
                             PING
               No, no. I have green light. You jaywalked.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (To Jerry) Hey, you watchin' Oprah?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (To Ping) I did not jaywalk.

               
                             JERRY
               (To George) You're givin' him back that 
               TV.
 
               
                             PING
               (To Elaine) Yes, you jaywalked.

               
                             KRAMER
               (To Jerry) No, I don't want it back.
 
               
               
                             PING
               (To Elaine) Jaywalker. I could slap 
               suit on you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (To Jerry) We got work to do. What about 
               the meeting?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (To himself) Hey, look. An hour with 
               Patrick Swayze.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               A month and a half we had. We did nothing. 
               I can't believe we put it off until 
               today and then we couldn't do anything 
               because Elaine runs out to apologize 
               to a virgin, crosses against a light, 
               and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. 
               Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, 
               we got nothing. You're not even in show 
               business. I gotta reputation. You drag 
               me into the sewer with you. I've been 
               on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word 
               spreads in show business? It's like 
               that (Snaps in George's face) , like 
               that! One bad impression, you're outta 
               the business!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               All right, let's postpone it. Let's 
               get out of here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean? They know we're here.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out) 
               My back! My back! I can't believe, my 
               back.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, would you get up?

               
                             GEORGE
               I can do this, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               All right, I'll tell them my sister 
               died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister 
               died. She was standing and then she 
               was laughing and then they SHOT her! 
               That's the kind of sick city that we're 
               livin' in. They shoot you for laughing. 
               I must go and comfort my poor family. 
               Jerry, take me home so I can comfort 
               my... my poor family.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               That's David Letterman. I just saw David 
               Letterman walk by. I'll be right back. 
               (He exits)
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you. 
               (She exits)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon 
               to his star. (Jerry enters meeting)
 
               
               
                             MAN #1
               Hey, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you 
               all here. Hello.
 
               
                             RITA
               Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell?
 
               
               
                             RITA
               He, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem 
               on the set of Blossom.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits)

               
                             RITA
               Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him.
 
               
               
                             MAN #2
               Where's George?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, he ran to say something to David 
               Letterman.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               David Letterman's on the floor?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, he just walked by.

               
                             RITA
               Well, I think we should get started 
               anyway.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, good idea.

               
                             RITA
               So how are you guys comin' along?

               
                             JERRY
               Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas.
 
               
               
                             RITA
               Good. (Pause)

               
                             JERRY
               Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant 
               and they tell you it'll be, like, five 
               minutes for a table and you wind up 
               waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes? 
               Well, we thought it would be very funny 
               to do an entire show where all you're 
               doin' is waitin' for the table. (They 
               don't seem to like it) Because we've 
               all been in that situation. You know, 
               you're waiting... and you're hungry... 
               and you bump into somebody you know... 
               When is Russell coming back?
 
               
                             RITA
               So that's the idea?

               
                             JERRY
               Well no, that's one. We have many others. 
               We have an idea where, uh, I get into 
               an accident with a guy who has no insurance 
               and the judge sentences him to be my 
               butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he 
               cooks for me, he has to cook for me... 
               He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, 
               you know? I'm walkin' around with one 
               of those big neck collars.
 
               
                             MAN #2
               Those collars are funny!

               
                             MAN #1
               Once you see someone in those collars 
               you start laughing immediately. (George 
               enters)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You tellin' 'em about the butler story? 
               Is that beautiful or what? Hey, sorry 
               I'm late. (Looks at Rita) Russell?
 
               
               
                             RITA
               I'm Rita Kearson.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're 
               you doing, good to see you. Jay, always 
               a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses 
               her and then sits down next to Jerry) 
               Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's 
               beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside 
               to Jerry) I thought I was getting the 
               butler.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Don't worry, uh, we'll find something 
               for you.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, 
               huh?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, he said there was nothing he could 
               do, and next time I should probably 
               break the Prozacs in half.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm 
               watchin' Jeopardy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Would you give him the TV back?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, by the way, George. Susan called 
               for you a minute ago.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I bet they're probably doing summersaults 
               about us over there. You think they 
               get butler stories like that everyday? 
               (He calls Susan)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (To the TV) Who is Joseph Cotton? Giddee 
               up!
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Hello?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi, it's me. It's Georgie Boy. What's 
               going on?
 
               
                             SUSAN
               What's going on? What's going on? I'll 
               tell you what's going on. I'm fired!
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Fired? Why?

               
                             SUSAN
               Because you kissed me. You kissed me, 
               you stupid idiot! Rita called Russell 
               and he fired me over the phone.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (To the TV) What is pi? Ooh! Giddee 
               up again.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               But I had no... I didn't realize.

               
                             SUSAN
               You didn't realize? How could you not 
               realize? You're stupid! You're a stupid, 
               stupid man!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I just feel terrible This is just terrible.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (To the TV once again) What is the cha-cha? 
               Ooh, yes indeed.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               I'll speak to you later.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Hangs up phone and pauses) this is 
               great! He fired her! This is incredible, 
               he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why did he fire her?

               
                             GEORGE
               Because I kissed her in the meeting. 
               Russell found out, he fired her over 
               the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays 
               off!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What is here comes the judge, here comes 
               the judge!
 
               
                             JERRY
               You can't break up with her now. Her 
               life is shattered. You got her fired. 
               You gotta be there for her.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               You gotta at least wait until she gets 
               another job.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Another job?

               
                             JERRY
               Couple of interviews.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. 
               Every time I think I'm out, they pull 
               me back in.
 
               
               
                             MARLA
               Are you gonna leave after its over? 
               You know, if we have sex.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What? Leave? Where? Why?

               
                             MARLA
               You know, the apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               Why would I leave? This is my apartment.
 
               
               
                             MARLA
               Well what if it was my apartment?

               
                             JERRY
               Who gave you this idea I would wanna 
               leave?
 
               
                             MARLA
               Well Elaine said men like to leave after 
               it's over.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock 
               into what Elaine has to say about relationships. 
               She comes from a broken home, and I 
               mean that literally. A tree fell on 
               her roof and cracked the whole structure. 
               Her parents got along beautifully, but 
               her house was in bad shape.
 
               
                             MARLA
               Maybe I should get going.

               
               
                             JERRY
               What else did you say to her?

               
                             ELAINE
               Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight 
               dope.
 
               
                             JERRY
               More like a dope was giving it to her 
               straight. Another cup of coffee with 
               you, she'll wind up in a convent.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, there was a lot more I could've 
               told her, believe me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What is that about leaving after sex? 
               Did I ever leave with you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You might've if I'd stayed. So you know 
               what? I got served with papers today. 
               Ping is suing me. I need your virgin 
               as a witness. You better be nice to 
               her.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I was trying to be.

               
                             ELAINE
               Look at George. (On the other side of 
               the restaurant) He lucked out, huh?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured 
               Susan would break up with him? They 
               had a good thing going.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited 
               on, her family cabin's been burned down, 
               she learned her father's a homosexual, 
               and she got fired from a high paying 
               network job. Yeah, they had a real good 
               thing going.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. 
               In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot 
               for NBC right now.
 
               
                             WOMAN
               A sitcom? How can you write that crap? 
               Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom.
 
               
               
                             CAROL
               A sitcom? Come on, let's go. (They leave)
 
               
               
                             WOMAN
               A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually 
               tried to use it to hit on me!
 
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Virgin



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy