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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE VISA



                             Written by

                           Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person 
               that knows the
 
               rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the 
               game, moving our
 
               pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer 
               is the only person
 
               that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of 
               the fun things
 
               for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your 
               Honor."
 
               Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "Fraid not." To 
               which the judge
 
               can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult 
               version of "Fraid
 
               so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version 
               of "Duh."
 
               
               
               First scene.

               George is at the counter at Monk's, he's talking with an Oriental 
               woman.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So you're a lawyer. What kind of cases 
               do you handle?
 
               
                             CHERYL
               Oh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration 
               and naturalization.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What is that, immigrants come over, 
               you show them how to act natural?
 
               
               
                             CHERYL
               Are your friends as funny as you?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, they're not funny at all. No, I 
               have no funny friends. I'm the
 
               funny one. El Clowno.

               
               Quick pan to the front door as Jerry and Elaine are entering.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Look, I was nice enough to pick it up 
               for you
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I've been back four days, I want 
               my mail.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               It's mostly bills, magazines and junk 
               mail anyway.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Elaine, that's what mail is. Without 
               bills, magazines and junk mail,
 
               there is no mail.

               
               Cut back to George and Cheryl at the counter.

               
                             CHERYL
               Here's my card.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking 
               to you.
 
               
                             CHERYL
               Nice meeting you.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

               
               Cheryl leaves, George walks over to the booth to meet Jerry and 
               Elaine.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, how ya doin?

               
                             GEORGE
               You would not believe what just happened. 
               I was waiting for you and
 
               this woman was sitting at the counter.

               
                             ELAINE
               What, the one who just left?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, 
               and she's this lawyer who's
 
               incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed 
               at everything I
 
               said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost 
               too good. I
 
               started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? 
               I got no place to
 
               go.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, well, I guess it's all over.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over)
 
               
               Hey, Babu!

               
                             BABU
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Look at you, you got the job.

               
                             BABU
               Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to 
               you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I didn't do anything.

               
                             BABU
               Yes, you do everything, get me job, 
               you get me a place to live in your
 
               
               building.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on.

               
                             BABU
               You very very good man, you do everything 
               for me. My family and I can
 
               never thank you enough for everything you do.

               
               Cut back to George and Elaine.

               
                             GEORGE
               You see, this is what I do with women. 
               I start out too strong, now I
 
               have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good 
               is real? They
 
               don't want real, they want funny.

               
                             ELAINE
               No they don't.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ooooh, yes they do.

               
                             ELAINE
               Nooo.

               
                             GEORGE
               Ya gotta put on a show, ya always gotta 
               give them a big show. You
 
               always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd 
               just go for a
 
               better looking guy with more money.

               
               Elaine nods her head in approval.

               
                             GEORGE
               You mean that's true, I'm right?!

               
                             JERRY
               Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything 
               worked out, Babu.
 
               
                             BABU
               Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ok, I'll see you around the building.
 
               
               
                             BABU
               I'll see you *in* the building.

               
                             JERRY
               Remember Babu Bhatt?

               
                             GEORGE
               Who's he?

               
                             JERRY
               Remember that guy who opened the restaurant 
               across the street from the
 
               building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him 
               he should make it
 
               into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? 
               So, you uh, going
 
               with me to the auto show with me Saturday?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Can you bring my mail then?

               
                             GEORGE
               What mail?

               
                             ELAINE
               I picked up his mail while he was on 
               the road
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Why didn't Kramer pick it up?

               
                             JERRY
               Cause he's at that baseball fantasy 
               camp in Florida.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Monday, I think.

               
                             GEORGE
               Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole 
               life is a fantasy camp.
 
               People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him 
               for a week. Do
 
               nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors 
               and have
 
               sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with 
               this lawyer, why don't you have
 
               dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with 
               her if you want,
 
               you know, have a little company, take the pressure off.

               
               George has a dream sequence where the four of them are at a dinner 
               table and
 
               Cheryl is laughing hysterically at one of Jerry's jokes.

               
                             JERRY
               ...he never heard of corduroy!

               
                             CHERYL
               Stop it, you're killing me!!

               
                             JERRY
               He never heard of corduroy! True story, 
               true story.
 
               
               Dream sequence ends.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no I don't think so.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know why you want to play man-to-man 
               when you could play a zone.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               She might not be comfortable.

               
                             ELAINE
               Why? We're all very nice, we're very 
               friendly.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We'll be funny.

               
                             GEORGE
               No! No. It's not good, I don't think 
               so.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, well if you change your mind, 
               we'll wind up as Isabella's
 
               probably around seven.

               
                             JERRY
               No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go 
               to Isabella's.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's.
 
               
               
               
               New scene.

               George and Cheryl are at Isabella's.

               
                             GEORGE
               Excellent. Like I really know what I'm 
               talking
 
               about.

               
               Cheryl laughs.

               
                             GEORGE
               Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But 
               toast, I love. Never start the
 
               day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.
 
               
               
               Just then the headwaiter seats Jerry and Elaine at the next table.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Look who's here! Georgie-boy!

               
               What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, I talked him into it.

               
                             GEORGE
               What happened to the auto show?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, we're still going, we're still going. 
               Elaine, do the spokes model.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               The turbo quadramatic transmission offers 
               you the power and prestige to
 
               propel you well into the 21st century.

               
               Jerry and Cheryl laugh, George, unamused, tries pushing Jerry 
               and Elaine away
 
               from their table.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi.

               
                             GEORGE
               Cheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, nice to meet you.

               
                             CHERYL
               Would you like to join us?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh no no no, they don't want to join 
               us.
 
               
                             CHERYL
               Oh no, it's ok, don't be silly.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ok, well why don't we just put these 
               two tables together?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No, no, you can't do that,

               they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Jerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story 
               you were telling me--
 
               
                             GEORGE
               No! No.

               
                             ELAINE
               No George, it's so funny. We saw this 
               cab driver's picture, right?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You know we should really order, the 
               service is so slow
 
               here, by the time you get anything...

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? 
               Um, I'm being sued.
 
               
                             CHERYL
               Oh? What happened?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I ran out to apologize to a virgin 
               and I crossed against the
 
               light and I knocked over the delivery boy.

               
                             CHERYL
               Was he Chinese?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             CHERYL
               Is your last name Benes?

               
                             JERRY
               How did you know?

               
                             CHERYL
               Ping is my cousin!

               
                             ELAINE
               No!

               
                             JERRY
               That's so funny!

               
                             CHERYL
               I'm handling his case!

               
                             ELAINE
               What? You're Cheryl Fong?

               
                             CHERYL
               That's right!

               
               By now, they're all laughing.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my god, I can't believe it! That 
               is such a coincidence!
 
               
                             CHERYL
               Yeah, I know!

               
                             ELAINE
               Wow, well, I guess you don't have any 
               advice for me on how to win the
 
               case?

               
                             CHERYL
               Will you excuse me? I have to make a 
               call.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Tell Ping I said hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Tell him you think you may have broken 
               the case wide open.
 
               
               They all laugh as Cheryl walks away.

               
                             GEORGE
               What are you doing? What are you doing?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             GEORGE
               This is not good. This is not good.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What's the matter?

               
                             GEORGE
               I just don't think it's such a great 
               idea for you to sit here.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               He thinks that if you're too funny, 
               he might not look so funny.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Biff?

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               You're not worried about that?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, of course not.

               
                             JERRY
               I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               He thinks that if a woman sees a guy 
               put on a better show, she'll walk
 
               
               out on his show, go see the other show.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, should we leave?

               
                             GEORGE
               Maybe you don't have to be so funny. 
               I mean, would it kill you not to
 
               be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks 
               I'm very
 
               funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm 
               gonna be a short
 
               bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.

               
                             ELAINE
               This is so ridiculous. Can we just go 
               over there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't have to be funny, I don't care.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You don't?

               
                             JERRY
               No way! It's completely under my control.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Of course I can, am I being funny now?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               A little.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               George, is this funny?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't 
               kill you to not be so funny
 
               either.

               
                             ELAINE
               What? What did I do?

               
               Cheryl returns.

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello. Welcome back.

               
                             CHERYL
               Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and 
               she makes such a big deal about
 
               it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, nobody likes to get old, right?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, birthdays are merely symbolic 
               of how another year has gone by and
 
               
               how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday 
               a better
 
               self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, 
               we know it's not
 
               to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, 
               this is who we are
 
               to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No 
               such thing.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Funny guy, huh?

               
               
               New scene.

               Elaine is bringing Jerry's mail to his apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               Here, take it. I was glad to get rid 
               of it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well thank you very much, it's about 
               time.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced 
               Ping to drop the case against
 
               me.

               
                             JERRY
               Drop the case? Well, congratulations, 
               that'll save you some money.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna 
               charge me a fortune.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh great, a birth announcement from 
               Arnie and
 
               Joy Harris.

               
               They hear a noise from the hallway.

               
                             JERRY
               Hear that? Guess who's back. (Opening 
               the door) Hey!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               I thought you weren't coming back till 
               Monday.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, the camp ended a few days early.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, well there was an incident.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I punched him and they took him 
               to the hospital and then they
 
               canceled the rest of the week.

               
                             ELAINE
               You punched who in the mouth?

               
                             KRAMER
               Mickey Mantle.

               
                             JERRY
               What happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you know, we were playing a game 
               and, you know, I was pitching,
 
               and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was 
               up, and man that
 
               guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.

               
                             JERRY
               Wow! Joe Pepitone!

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own 
               the inside of that plate. So I
 
               throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put 
               him right on his
 
               pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the 
               next pitch,
 
               he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.

               
                             JERRY
               You plunked him.

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, 
               he comes racing up to the
 
               mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha 
               breaks out
 
               between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, 
               and as I'm
 
               trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, 
               somebody pulls
 
               me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. 
               I looked down,
 
               and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.

               
                             JERRY
               Wow, this is incredible!

               
               A voice is heard from the hallway.

               
                             BABU
               Leave me alone! You can't do this to 
               me!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What's going on out there?

               
                             BABU
               What are you doing? This is not right, 
               people. You're making a very bad
 
               mistake, very bad.

               
                             JERRY
               Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, so?

               
                             KRAMER
               Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, 
               "Mickey! Mickey! What have
 
               you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!"

               
                             ELAINE
               So what'd you do?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I got the hell out of there.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               They took Babu away!

               
                             ELAINE
               They took Babu away?!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa 
               was expired. Poor Babu,
 
               everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he 
               had a job. What
 
               a shame.

               
                             BABU
               Jerry! Jerry! Help me!

               
                             JERRY
               I will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, 
               don't worry!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing 
               me around, he trips over third
 
               base and knocks over Clete Boyer.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh oh.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               Well this is interesting.

               
                             ELAINE
               What is it?

               
                             JERRY
               It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, 
               it's Babu's Visa renewal
 
               application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, doesn't he need that?

               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             JERRY
               If you had given me my mail last week 
               when I got home, this whole thing
 
               
               never would have happened.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, you should have come to my house 
               to pick it up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, so am I being funny now?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, actually, you're not being funny 
               now.
 
               
                             JERRY
               See, I told you I wasn't funny all the 
               time. (George enters) Hey
 
               George, look, I'm not funny now.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, and you weren't funny last night 
               either. In fact, you got us both
 
               so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh look, I need to get in touch with 
               Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his
 
               Visa's expired.

               
                             GEORGE
               What do you need her for? There's a 
               million lawyers.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but you said this is one of the 
               things that her firm does.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, alright, but no funny business, 
               same deal as last night.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, will you stop it already?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, please?

               
                             JERRY
               How long is this gonna go on?

               
                             GEORGE
               Till I'm comfortable.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, when is that gonna be?

               
                             GEORGE
               After consummation.

               
                             JERRY
               Consummation? I don't think you have 
               enough material.
 
               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry and Cheryl are at the coffee shop.

               
                             CHERYL
               I actually have a friend in the Immigration 
               Department who owes me a
 
               big favor. You're very lucky.

               
                             JERRY
               That's wonderful news. Thank you.

               
                             CHERYL
               You're a very serious person, aren't 
               you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, with so many people in the world 
               deprived and unhappy, it doesn't
 
               seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.

               
                             CHERYL
               I understand.

               
               Jerry reaches for the milk for his coffee.

               
                             CHERYL
               I think it's curdled.

               
                             JERRY
               I don't care.

               
                             CHERYL
               Do you ever laugh?

               
                             JERRY
               Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the 
               tub.
 
               
                             CHERYL
               That's so sad. What do you do?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. 
               (reaching for the check) You've
 
               been so helpful.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, we're gonna go see Babu

               now, right?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I'll just pay for this.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. 
               (walking over to the booth)
 
               Hi.

               
                             CHERYL
               Hi.

               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, gosh, I wanted to thank you 
               so much for convincing Ping to drop
 
               
               the case.

               
                             CHERYL
               Well, after we met, you were all so 
               nice. I just couldn't go through
 
               with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through 
               the nose.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You're kidding.

               
                             CHERYL
               No, I'm not.

               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry and Elaine are at the Immigration office.

               
                             JERRY
               Babu!

               
                             BABU
               Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               You remember Elaine.

               
                             BABU
               Yes, yes of course!

               
                             ELAINE
               Nice to meet you.

               
                             BABU
               So nice of you both to come.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, Babu.

               
                             BABU
               No no, you're both very kind, very kind.
 
               
               
                             JERRY AND ELAINE
               Oh, well, you know.

               
                             ELAINE
               We try.

               
                             JERRY
               We do what we can.

               
                             ELAINE
               We do what we can.

               
                             BABU
               The problem is I never got my Visa renewal 
               form in the mail. I was
 
               expecting it.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. 
               Um, what happened was I was
 
               away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.

               
                             BABU
               Comedy shows! You're a very funny man.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well, Elaine here was picking up my 
               mail while I was away, because you
 
               
               know that little box can get very full.

               
                             BABU
               Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, 
               everything. You know, I would
 
               have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, I don't want to bother you.

               
                             BABU
               No bother! You get me job, you get me 
               apartment, you very very good man.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So yesterday, after they took you away, 
               I looked in my mail and I
 
               noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in 
               my mail box.
 
               
                             BABU
               Come again?

               
                             JERRY
               You see, I've been home for a week and 
               Elaine didn't give me my mail
 
               until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to 
               my house to pick it up.
 
               
                             BABU
               You had my Visa application?!

               
                             JERRY
               Well not technically.

               
                             BABU
               I kill you!!

               
                             JERRY
               Well what about her?

               
                             BABU
               I kill both of you!!

               
                             JERRY
               Babu?!

               
                             BABU
               No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very 
               bad man! You very lazy bad
 
               man!

               
                             JERRY
               Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have 
               a lawyer who knows someone in
 
               the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole 
               thing out, the
 
               wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!
 
               
               
                             BABU
               The wheels are in motion?

               
                             JERRY
               The wheels are in motion, things are 
               happening!
 
               
               
               New scene.

               George and Cheryl are parked.

               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry?

               
                             CHERYL
               I'm very attracted to him.

               
                             GEORGE
               You think the person you were talking 
               to is him? That's not even close
 
               to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.

               
                             CHERYL
               He never said anything funny.

               
                             GEORGE
               He can't not be funny.

               
                             CHERYL
               No no no, he's dark. And disturbed.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves 
               around Superman and
 
               cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think 
               I was funnier.
 
               That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. 
               You can't
 
               find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that 
               grows on trees?
 
               Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine 
               article.
 
               
                             CHERYL
               So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing 
               was an act?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yes! And I put him up to it, because 
               I'm sick! I'm the one that needs
 
               help.

               
                             CHERYL
               I gotta go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, should I call you later?

               
                             CHERYL
               Please don't.

               
                             GEORGE
               But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! 
               I'm inadequate! I got it
 
               all!!

               
               
               New scene.

               Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment.

               
                             ELAINE
               So, what's up with Babu? How come he's 
               not back?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, I don't understand it. 
               Cheryl was supposed to take care
 
               of it, he should be back by now. (Answering the buzzer) Yeah?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               It's George.

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon up.

               
               They hear a voice in the hallway, Jerry opens the door.

               
                             JERRY
               Babu must be back.

               
                             BABU'S BROTHER
               Babu, my goodness, what has happened 
               to you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Where's Babu?

               
                             BABU'S BROTHER
               He is in Pakistan!

               
                             JERRY
               Who are you?

               
                             BABU'S BROTHER
               I am his brother. He knew a lawyer, 
               it was all going to be
 
               fixed.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sure the lawyer did everything they 
               could.
 
               
                             BABU'S BROTHER
               Then where is Babu? What happened to 
               Babu? Show me Babu!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Snapple?

               
                             BABU'S BROTHER
               No, too fruity.

               
               Babu's Brother leaves, George enters.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl 
               was gonna help Babu get his Visa.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               She didn't help him?

               
                             JERRY
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Where is he?

               
                             JERRY
               He's in Pakistan.

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh boy.

               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean, oh boy?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, last night she told me that she 
               liked you. Not you, the
 
               disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.

               
                             JERRY
               Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu 
               deported.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean, I got? You didn't 
               give him his Visa application.
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's because she had my mail.

               
               Kramer enters.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, well I wouldn't have had to get 
               your mail if he hadn't gone to
 
               that fantasy camp.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's 
               restaurant.
 
               
                             JERRY
               How could you go in there?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I had to. I had to apologize. 
               I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle,
 
               my idol. It was eating me up inside!

               
                             JERRY
               Well, what happened?

               
                             KRAMER
               I got down in my knees and went, "Go 
               ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm
 
               begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, 
               Mickey, I love
 
               you!"

               
                             ELAINE
               So, what did he do?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, the four of them, they picked 
               me up by my pants and they threw me
 
               
               outside, right into a horse.

               
               There's a knock on Kramer's door.

               
                             VOICE
               Kramer?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah? It's my Chinese food.

               
               Ping enters with a bag of food.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much 
               for dropping that lawsuit
 
               against me.

               
                             PING
               Not anymore.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             PING
               Cheryl call me last night, lawsuit back 
               on.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why?

               
                             PING
               She call you and your friends big liars. 
               You think she nice girl? Wait
 
               till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator. 
               She
 
               never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages. 
               Hasta la
 
               vista, baby.

               
               Ping exits.

               
               
               New scene.

               Babu and a friend are sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in 
               Pakistan.
 
               
                             BABU
               So his friend got the mail but she did 
               not give it to him. And then he
 
               came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said 
               the wheels were
 
               in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so 
               they sent me
 
               back here.

               
                             BABU'S FRIEND
               This is a terrible story, Babu. What 
               are you going to do?
 
               
                             BABU
               I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, 
               I will get back to America,
 
               and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget 
               him. He
 
               haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.
 
               
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front 
               of the Statue of
 
               Liberty, 'Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...', 
               can't we just
 
               say, 'Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got.'? Do 
               we have to specify
 
               the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, 'Give us 
               the unhappy, the
 
               sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have 
               trouble
 
               merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, 
               they can't
 
               parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if 
               they're clogged,
 
               if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have 
               dandruff, food
 
               between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no 
               credit, missed a
 
               spot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional defective slob 
               that you can
 
               somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.'
 
               
               
               
               
               
                                THE END



The Visa



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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