THE WAIT OUT
(The Coffee Shop)
(Elaine and Jerry are sitting across from each other in a booth)
(Looking up from a menu) Yeah.
You look like Brenda Starr.
Is that good?
It's better than Dondi.
(Elaine laughs, then draws her attention to a table across the
Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks
over at the table. A man and a woman
are dining) David and Beth Lookner.
(Leaning in for confidentiality) You
know, I heard a rumor their marriage
was a little rocky.
(Interested, still looking at the couple)
You know, I have a little thing for
Well, I have to admit, I've always thought
David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks,
making a clicking sound with her tongue)
Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage
for three years.
Yeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting
out two or three marriages, but this
is the one I really had my eye on.
(George enters, somewhat annoyed. He's gesturing to the parking
This car out there is taking up, like,
three parking spaces.
(Jerry moves over, making room for George to sit)
Oh, (Laughs at George's misfortune)
You have a car?
Well, my friend, Alyse, lent it to me
for the week. She's out of town.
(Noting) You know, I've never seen you
(David and Beth Lookner, on their way out, approach the booth)
(Unsure as to whether it's him or not)
Jerry? Elaine, Hi!
(Overly generous) Hi, David!
Oh, uh, George, (Introducing to two)
this is my husband, David.
Oh, hi.. (They shake hands)
Hello. So, George, uh, you're the one
who works for the Yankees, right?
Yeah. Why, what do you do?
Well, I sell insurance, but Beth used
to be Don Mattingly's doctor.
(Laughs slightly) A physician married
to a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta
tell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot
better than him.
(George and Elaine both laugh out loud. Beth and David look at
each other, taking in the awkward moment)
(Jerry's in the kitchen. Kramer slides in, followed by Mickey.
Mickey's reading a script)
Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on?
I'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to
be in the Actor's Studio tonight.
It's a method, Jerry. It's intense.
(Clicks his tongue)
Kramer's going to be my scene partner.
He doesn't have to say anything, he
just has to sit there. I'm playing a
Yeah, and I'm playing a business man
accused of murder.
Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and
run some errands. So.. (Goes for his
(Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at
this, Mickey. These pants are fallin'
(Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer)
You know, when I first met you, Kramer,
you used to wear jeans all the time.
(Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the
script) Yeah, well, I was a different
(Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement)
With a different body.
(Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body
of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy.
(Mickey visibly rolls his eyes)
Ehh, I dunno..
Now, what are you thinkin'? (Getting
upset) You think that I'm not able to
wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're
sayin'? Because if that's what you're
sayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs.
Kramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I
will! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face.
Kramer points a finger at him) Don't think I won't, Jerry!
(Elaine is obviously an incredibly bad driver. Jerry, in the
passenger's seat, looks car sick)
God, it is so great to drive again.
I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves
to the right, then yells out of her
window) How about a left turn signal,
(Looks ahead, then breaks suddenly) Woah..
(His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's
the worst driver.
You know what? On my first road test,
I hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking)
I think it was a golden retriever. No,
no, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab.
up the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial
as she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before
hitting a man crossing the street)
(Once again, the audience hears his
thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna
(Elaine's expression changes as she's listening to her messages)
Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called
- David and Beth got separated last
(Out of it) Huh?
They're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks,
(Monk's coffee shop)
(Elaine and Jerry sitting across from each other in a booth)
So, now, what is our move? What do we
I don't know, but we don't have much
The city's probably teeming with people
who've been waiting out that marriage.
It's like when someone dies in a rent
controlled building - you gotta take
Yeeah, but David and Beth are going
to need their grieving time.
Their grieving time is a luxury I can't
afford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and
if you want a clean shot at David, I
suggest you do likewise.
(Nodding) Yeah, yeah..
But we gotta make it seem like we're
not calling for dates.
Then why are we calling?
Good question. (More to himself than
to Elaine) Why are we calling?
(Both start chanting "why are we calling..", thinking deeply)
(Loud) Oh! (Jerry has a surprised look)
I've got it! I've got it! We're calling
just to say, "I'm there for you."
(Nodding, trying it out) "I'm there
Then, after a period of being "there
for you", we slowly remove the two words
"for you", and we're just (Makes a "ta-da!"
Hey, remember Beth and David from yesterday?
They got separated.
Really? (Realizes) Well, you don't think
it had anything to do with what I said,
What'd you say?
You know, that, that thing about her
being too good for him. I mean, I was
just bein' folksy. They could tell I
was just being folksy..?
Yeah, I thought you were being folksy.
(Kramer enters wearing a new pair of jeans. They're obviously
way too small. Unable to bend his knees, he walks awkwardly into
the room. Elaine, Jerry, and
George are speechless - staring at him. Kramer walks past them,
and attempts to pick a magazine off the table, but does so with
great difficulty. Jerry starts to laugh
as Kramer throws the magazine back down)
hey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little)
what'd you get there?
Uh, yeah, I bought Dungarees.
Kramer, they're painted on!
Well, they're slim-fit.
(Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined.
You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
(Making his way toward the door) What?
They just gotta be worked in a little
bit, that's all. (Pulling the door shut
behind him) Alright, see you later.
(Everyone stares after him)
(Sitting up on her bed, she's on the phone with David Lookner)
(Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens.
(Scene cuts to Jerry - he's on the phone with Beth)
Sure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief
pause) So, have you told many.. people
(Scene jumps back to Elaine)
Because it's really nobody's business.
(Back to Jerry)
Anyway, I just called to tell you that,
I'm there for you.
(Cut back to Elaine)
"There" is, um.. anywhere you want me
(Back to Jerry)
Sure, dinner would be fine.
(Back to Elaine)
And I could just be there. (Adding)
(Scene takes a final cut back to Jerry. Kramer enters, still
in his pants, as Jerry hangs up. Kramer's frantic)
Jerry, you gotta help me!
I can't get my pants off, and Mickey's
audition is in twenty minutes! You know,
I'm supposed to be a business man, I
gotta be in costume!
Alright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll
help you get them off.
(Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah,
I already did it. It won't come off.
The zipper's suck..
The Wait Out
Writers : Peter Mehlman
Genres : Comedy