THE WAIT OUT
Written by
Peter Mehlman
(The Coffee Shop)
(Elaine and Jerry are sitting across from each other in a booth)
JERRY
New hairdo?
ELAINE
(Looking up from a menu) Yeah.
JERRY
You look like Brenda Starr.
ELAINE
Is that good?
JERRY
It's better than Dondi.
(Elaine laughs, then draws her attention to a table across the
room)
ELAINE
Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks
over at the table. A man and a woman
are dining) David and Beth Lookner.
(Leaning in for confidentiality) You
know, I heard a rumor their marriage
was a little rocky.
JERRY
(Interested, still looking at the couple)
Really?
ELAINE
Mm-hmm.
JERRY
You know, I have a little thing for
Beth Lookner.
ELAINE
Well, I have to admit, I've always thought
David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks,
making a clicking sound with her tongue)
JERRY
Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage
for three years.
ELAINE
Yeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting
out two or three marriages, but this
is the one I really had my eye on.
(George enters, somewhat annoyed. He's gesturing to the parking
lot)
GEORGE
This car out there is taking up, like,
three parking spaces.
(Jerry moves over, making room for George to sit)
ELAINE
Oh, (Laughs at George's misfortune)
that's mine.
GEORGE
You have a car?
ELAINE
Well, my friend, Alyse, lent it to me
for the week. She's out of town.
JERRY
(Noting) You know, I've never seen you
drive.
GEORGE
Me either.
(David and Beth Lookner, on their way out, approach the booth)
BETH
(Unsure as to whether it's him or not)
Jerry? Elaine, Hi!
ELAINE
(Overly generous) Hi, David!
JERRY
Hi, Beth!
BETH
Oh, uh, George, (Introducing to two)
this is my husband, David.
GEORGE
Oh, hi.. (They shake hands)
DAVID
Hello. So, George, uh, you're the one
who works for the Yankees, right?
GEORGE
Yeah. Why, what do you do?
DAVID
Well, I sell insurance, but Beth used
to be Don Mattingly's doctor.
GEORGE
Really?
BETH
Mm-hm.
DAVID
Yeah.
GEORGE
(Laughs slightly) A physician married
to a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta
tell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot
better than him.
(George and Elaine both laugh out loud. Beth and David look at
each other, taking in the awkward moment)
(Jerry's apartment)
(Jerry's in the kitchen. Kramer slides in, followed by Mickey.
Mickey's reading a script)
KRAMER
Hey!
JERRY
Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on?
MICKEY
I'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to
be in the Actor's Studio tonight.
JERRY
Really?
KRAMER
It's a method, Jerry. It's intense.
(Clicks his tongue)
MICKEY
Kramer's going to be my scene partner.
JERRY
Kramer?
MICKEY
He doesn't have to say anything, he
just has to sit there. I'm playing a
detective.
KRAMER
Yeah, and I'm playing a business man
accused of murder.
JERRY
Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and
run some errands. So.. (Goes for his
coat)
KRAMER
(Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at
this, Mickey. These pants are fallin'
apart, huh?
JERRY
(Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer)
You know, when I first met you, Kramer,
you used to wear jeans all the time.
KRAMER
(Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the
script) Yeah, well, I was a different
man then.
JERRY
(Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement)
With a different body.
KRAMER
(Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body
of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy.
(Mickey visibly rolls his eyes)
JERRY
Ehh, I dunno..
KRAMER
Now, what are you thinkin'? (Getting
upset) You think that I'm not able to
wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're
sayin'? Because if that's what you're
sayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs.
Kramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I
will! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face.
Kramer points a finger at him) Don't think I won't, Jerry!
(Elaine's car)
(Elaine is obviously an incredibly bad driver. Jerry, in the
passenger's seat, looks car sick)
ELAINE
God, it is so great to drive again.
I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves
to the right, then yells out of her
window) How about a left turn signal,
ya moron?!
(Looks ahead, then breaks suddenly) Woah..
JERRY
(His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's
the worst driver.
ELAINE
You know what? On my first road test,
I hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking)
I think it was a golden retriever. No,
no, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab.
(Picks
up the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial
as she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before
hitting a man crossing the street)
MAN
Hey!
JERRY
(Once again, the audience hears his
thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna
vomit!
(Elaine's expression changes as she's listening to her messages)
ELAINE
Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called
- David and Beth got separated last
night!
JERRY
(Out of it) Huh?
ELAINE
They're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks,
stopping traffic)
(Monk's coffee shop)
(Elaine and Jerry sitting across from each other in a booth)
ELAINE
So, now, what is our move? What do we
do?
JERRY
I don't know, but we don't have much
time.
ELAINE
(Agreeing) Mm.
JERRY
The city's probably teeming with people
who've been waiting out that marriage.
ELAINE
Right.
JERRY
It's like when someone dies in a rent
controlled building - you gotta take
immediate action.
ELAINE
Yeeah, but David and Beth are going
to need their grieving time.
JERRY
Their grieving time is a luxury I can't
afford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and
if you want a clean shot at David, I
suggest you do likewise.
ELAINE
(Nodding) Yeah, yeah..
JERRY
But we gotta make it seem like we're
not calling for dates.
ELAINE
Then why are we calling?
JERRY
Good question. (More to himself than
to Elaine) Why are we calling?
(Both start chanting "why are we calling..", thinking deeply)
ELAINE
(Loud) Oh! (Jerry has a surprised look)
I've got it! I've got it! We're calling
just to say, "I'm there for you."
JERRY
(Nodding, trying it out) "I'm there
for you."
ELAINE
Then, after a period of being "there
for you", we slowly remove the two words
"for you", and we're just (Makes a "ta-da!"
gesture) "there".
(Jerry's apartment)
(George enters)
ELAINE
Hey.
JERRY
Hey, remember Beth and David from yesterday?
They got separated.
GEORGE
Really? (Realizes) Well, you don't think
it had anything to do with what I said,
do you?
JERRY
What'd you say?
GEORGE
You know, that, that thing about her
being too good for him. I mean, I was
just bein' folksy. They could tell I
was just being folksy..?
ELAINE
Yeah, I thought you were being folksy.
GEORGE
Totally folksy.
(Kramer enters wearing a new pair of jeans. They're obviously
way too small. Unable to bend his knees, he walks awkwardly into
the room. Elaine, Jerry, and
George are speechless - staring at him. Kramer walks past them,
and attempts to pick a magazine off the table, but does so with
great difficulty. Jerry starts to laugh
as Kramer throws the magazine back down)
JERRY
hey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little)
what'd you get there?
KRAMER
Uh, yeah, I bought Dungarees.
ELAINE
Kramer, they're painted on!
KRAMER
Well, they're slim-fit.
JERRY
Slim-fit?
KRAMER
(Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined.
JERRY
You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
KRAMER
(Making his way toward the door) What?
They just gotta be worked in a little
bit, that's all. (Pulling the door shut
behind him) Alright, see you later.
(Everyone stares after him)
(Elaine's apartment)
(Sitting up on her bed, she's on the phone with David Lookner)
ELAINE
(Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens.
(Scene cuts to Jerry - he's on the phone with Beth)
JERRY
Sure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief
pause) So, have you told many.. people
yet?
(Scene jumps back to Elaine)
ELAINE
Because it's really nobody's business.
(Back to Jerry)
JERRY
Anyway, I just called to tell you that,
I'm there for you.
(Cut back to Elaine)
ELAINE
"There" is, um.. anywhere you want me
to be..
(Back to Jerry)
JERRY
Sure, dinner would be fine.
(Back to Elaine)
ELAINE
And I could just be there. (Adding)
For you.
(Scene takes a final cut back to Jerry. Kramer enters, still
in his pants, as Jerry hangs up. Kramer's frantic)
KRAMER
Jerry, you gotta help me!
JERRY
What's wrong?
KRAMER
I can't get my pants off, and Mickey's
audition is in twenty minutes! You know,
I'm supposed to be a business man, I
gotta be in costume!
JERRY
Alright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll
help you get them off.
KRAMER
(Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah,
I already did it. It won't come off.
The zipper's suck..
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