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                            THE WAIT OUT



                             Written by

                            Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (The Coffee Shop)

               
               (Elaine and Jerry are sitting across from each other in a booth)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               New hairdo?

               
                             ELAINE
               (Looking up from a menu) Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               You look like Brenda Starr.

               
                             ELAINE
               Is that good?

               
                             JERRY
               It's better than Dondi.

               
               (Elaine laughs, then draws her attention to a table across the 
               room)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks 
               over at the table. A man and a woman 
               are dining) David and Beth Lookner. 
               (Leaning in for confidentiality) You 
               know, I heard a rumor their marriage 
               was a little rocky.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Interested, still looking at the couple) 
               Really?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Mm-hmm.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, I have a little thing for 
               Beth Lookner.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I have to admit, I've always thought 
               David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks, 
               making a clicking sound with her tongue)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage 
               for three years.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, me too. Well, I've been waiting 
               out two or three marriages, but this 
               is the one I really had my eye on.
 
               
               
               (George enters, somewhat annoyed. He's gesturing to the parking 
               lot)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This car out there is taking up, like, 
               three parking spaces.
 
               
               (Jerry moves over, making room for George to sit)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, (Laughs at George's misfortune) 
               that's mine.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You have a car?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, my friend, Alyse, lent it to me 
               for the week. She's out of town.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Noting) You know, I've never seen you 
               drive.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Me either.

               
               (David and Beth Lookner, on their way out, approach the booth)
 
               
               
                             BETH
               (Unsure as to whether it's him or not) 
               Jerry? Elaine, Hi!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Overly generous) Hi, David!

               
                             JERRY
               Hi, Beth!

               
                             BETH
               Oh, uh, George, (Introducing to two) 
               this is my husband, David.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, hi.. (They shake hands)

               
                             DAVID
               Hello. So, George, uh, you're the one 
               who works for the Yankees, right?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah. Why, what do you do?

               
                             DAVID
               Well, I sell insurance, but Beth used 
               to be Don Mattingly's doctor.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really?

               
                             BETH
               Mm-hm.

               
                             DAVID
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               (Laughs slightly) A physician married 
               to a salesman. (Chuckles) Well, I gotta 
               tell you, Beth, you coulda done a lot 
               better than him.
 
               
               (George and Elaine both laugh out loud. Beth and David look at 
               each other, taking in the awkward moment)
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (Jerry's in the kitchen. Kramer slides in, followed by Mickey. 
               Mickey's reading a script)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on?
 
               
               
                             MICKEY
               I'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to 
               be in the Actor's Studio tonight.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really?

               
                             KRAMER
               It's a method, Jerry. It's intense. 
               (Clicks his tongue)
 
               
                             MICKEY
               Kramer's going to be my scene partner.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer?

               
                             MICKEY
               He doesn't have to say anything, he 
               just has to sit there. I'm playing a 
               detective.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and I'm playing a business man 
               accused of murder.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and 
               run some errands. So.. (Goes for his 
               coat)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at 
               this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' 
               apart, huh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer) 
               You know, when I first met you, Kramer, 
               you used to wear jeans all the time.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the 
               script) Yeah, well, I was a different 
               man then.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement) 
               With a different body.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body 
               of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy.
 
               
               
               (Mickey visibly rolls his eyes)

               
                             JERRY
               Ehh, I dunno..

               
                             KRAMER
               Now, what are you thinkin'? (Getting 
               upset) You think that I'm not able to 
               wear jeans anymore? Is that what you're 
               sayin'? Because if that's what you're
 
               
               
               sayin', Jerry, I'll go and I'll buy some jeans. (Jerry shrugs. 
               Kramer raises his voice to a menacing tone) I swear to God I 
               will! (Jerry's showing off a skeptical face.
 
               
               Kramer points a finger at him) Don't think I won't, Jerry!

               
               
               
               (Elaine's car)

               
               (Elaine is obviously an incredibly bad driver. Jerry, in the 
               passenger's seat, looks car sick)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               God, it is so great to drive again. 
               I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves 
               to the right, then yells out of her 
               window) How about a left turn signal, 
               ya moron?!
 
               
               (Looks ahead, then breaks suddenly) Woah..

               
                             JERRY
               (His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's 
               the worst driver.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know what? On my first road test, 
               I hit a dog. (Jerry nods, blinking) 
               I think it was a golden retriever. No, 
               no, no, it was a - it was a yellow lab. 
               (Picks
 
               
               up the car phone) I'm gonna check my messages. (Begins to dial 
               as she pulls up to a pedestrian crosswalk. She stops right before 
               hitting a man crossing the street)
 
               
                             MAN
               Hey!

               
                             JERRY
               (Once again, the audience hears his 
               thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna 
               vomit!
 
               
               (Elaine's expression changes as she's listening to her messages)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called 
               - David and Beth got separated last 
               night!
 
               
                             JERRY
               (Out of it) Huh?

               
                             ELAINE
               They're gettin' divorced! (Quickly breaks, 
               stopping traffic)
 
               
               
               
               (Monk's coffee shop)

               
               (Elaine and Jerry sitting across from each other in a booth)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So, now, what is our move? What do we 
               do?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know, but we don't have much 
               time.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Agreeing) Mm.

               
                             JERRY
               The city's probably teeming with people 
               who've been waiting out that marriage.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Right.

               
                             JERRY
               It's like when someone dies in a rent 
               controlled building - you gotta take 
               immediate action.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeeah, but David and Beth are going 
               to need their grieving time.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Their grieving time is a luxury I can't 
               afford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and 
               if you want a clean shot at David, I 
               suggest you do likewise.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Nodding) Yeah, yeah..

               
                             JERRY
               But we gotta make it seem like we're 
               not calling for dates.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Then why are we calling?

               
                             JERRY
               Good question. (More to himself than 
               to Elaine) Why are we calling?
 
               
               (Both start chanting "why are we calling..", thinking deeply)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Loud) Oh! (Jerry has a surprised look) 
               I've got it! I've got it! We're calling 
               just to say, "I'm there for you."
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (Nodding, trying it out) "I'm there 
               for you."
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Then, after a period of being "there 
               for you", we slowly remove the two words 
               "for you", and we're just (Makes a "ta-da!" 
               gesture) "there".
 
               
               
               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
               (George enters)

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, remember Beth and David from yesterday? 
               They got separated.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Really? (Realizes) Well, you don't think 
               it had anything to do with what I said, 
               do you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What'd you say?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, that, that thing about her 
               being too good for him. I mean, I was 
               just bein' folksy. They could tell I 
               was just being folksy..?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I thought you were being folksy.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Totally folksy.

               
               (Kramer enters wearing a new pair of jeans. They're obviously 
               way too small. Unable to bend his knees, he walks awkwardly into 
               the room. Elaine, Jerry, and
 
               
               George are speechless - staring at him. Kramer walks past them, 
               and attempts to pick a magazine off the table, but does so with 
               great difficulty. Jerry starts to laugh
 
               
               as Kramer throws the magazine back down)

               
                             JERRY
               hey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little) 
               what'd you get there?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, yeah, I bought Dungarees.

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, they're painted on!

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, they're slim-fit.

               
                             JERRY
               Slim-fit?

               
                             KRAMER
               (Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're walkin' like Frankenstein!

               
                             KRAMER
               (Making his way toward the door) What? 
               They just gotta be worked in a little 
               bit, that's all. (Pulling the door shut 
               behind him) Alright, see you later.
 
               
               
               (Everyone stares after him)

               
               
               
               (Elaine's apartment)

               
               (Sitting up on her bed, she's on the phone with David Lookner)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens.
 
               
               
               (Scene cuts to Jerry - he's on the phone with Beth)

               
                             JERRY
               Sure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief 
               pause) So, have you told many.. people 
               yet?
 
               
               (Scene jumps back to Elaine)

               
                             ELAINE
               Because it's really nobody's business.
 
               
               
               (Back to Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               Anyway, I just called to tell you that, 
               I'm there for you.
 
               
               (Cut back to Elaine)

               
                             ELAINE
               "There" is, um.. anywhere you want me 
               to be..
 
               
               (Back to Jerry)

               
                             JERRY
               Sure, dinner would be fine.

               
               (Back to Elaine)

               
                             ELAINE
               And I could just be there. (Adding) 
               For you.
 
               
               (Scene takes a final cut back to Jerry. Kramer enters, still 
               in his pants, as Jerry hangs up. Kramer's frantic)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, you gotta help me!

               
                             JERRY
               What's wrong?

               
                             KRAMER
               I can't get my pants off, and Mickey's 
               audition is in twenty minutes! You know, 
               I'm supposed to be a business man, I 
               gotta be in costume!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll 
               help you get them off.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah, 
               I already did it. It won't come off. 
               The zipper's suck..
 
                


The Wait Out



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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