The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE WALLET



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV. It's horrible when you 
               sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching 
               the show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left 
               and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's 
               still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in 
               five minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is 
               because it ends. If I want a long boring story with no point 
               to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't 
               go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you 
               come back next week?"
 
               
               (In Jerry's Car)

               
                             JERRY
               George and I went up to NBC and we told 
               them our idea for a series now we're 
               just waiting to sign the contract.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               And they liked your idea?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             MORTY
               What'ya got leather seats here?

               
                             HELEN
               Since when is George a writer?

               
                             JERRY
               What writer? It's a sitcom.

               
                             HELEN
               That's exciting. When are you going 
               to sign the contract?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Soon, there's a couple of problems.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was 
               the worst.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What do you expect? It's airline food.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               . . . give you fish.

               
                             JERRY
               How could you eat fish on a plane?
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               because she puts up such a big stink 
               every time I have a piece of meat.
 
               
               
               
               
                             HELEN
               What kind of problems?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is 
               enough money.
 
               
                             HELEN
               What? He's not even working.

               
                             MORTY
               George is right. Those people will try 
               to get away with murder. Believe me. 
               They're all crooks.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               We're going to sign it. We're going 
               to sign it. In fact George is out with 
               the woman from NBC right now.
 
               
               (George's car)

               
                             GEORGE
               So, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to 
               have to pass.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               You're passing?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's . . . much too low.

               
                             SUSAN
               Are you and Jerry in complete agreement 
               on this?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ah, yeah, . . . I believe I can speak 
               for the both of us on this.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Because you know, because this is your 
               first show this is a pretty standard 
               deal.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Standard?

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE
               Is Ted Danson's deal standard?

               
                             SUSAN
               Ted Danson?

               
                             GEORGE
               You know, the guy from Cheers.

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're 
               not Ted Danson.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I didn't say I was Ted Danson.

               
                             SUSAN
               All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               -

               
                             SUSAN
               Oh, uh, before I forget, . . . cigars. 
               A present from my father.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, uh, do I have to write him a note 
               or something?
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               But what do I say in the note?

               
                             SUSAN
               Ah, you're a writer. You'll think of 
               something.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, uh, yeah, I'm a writer, (laughs)
 
               
               
               (Jerry's car at gas station)

               
                             HELEN
               Were you waiting long at the gate?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't even know?

               
                             HELEN
               Where's that watch we bought you?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh uh

               
               (Flashback to street)

               
                             JERRY
               That's enough with this piece of junk 
               I've had it. (throws watch in garbage)
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That's the one your parents bought you?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, but it never worked.

               
               (Back to present day in car at gas station)

               
                             JERRY
               . . . it's being fixed.

               
                             MORTY
               I got a guarantee on that watch. Give 
               it to me, I'll take it back to where 
               I got it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               It's at the jeweler.

               
                             MORTY
               You send me the bill.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not sending you the bill.

               
                             HELEN
               That watch was a gift. You shouldn't 
               have to pay for it.
 
               
                             GSUSAN
               That's uh, $18.50.

               
                             MORTY
               Here, I got it.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you talking about? It's my 
               car. You can pay for the gas.
 
               
                             MORTY
               No, no put it away . . .

               
                             JERRY
               Dad!

               
                             MORTY
               Stop it.

               
                             JERRY
               I have money. I make money.

               
                             MORTY
               Yeah, yeah, you make money.

               
                             JERRY
               You don't think I make money. That's 
               what you think isn't it?
 
               
                             HELEN
               No, I don't think that.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes you do. That's what you both think.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               I'll pay.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm paying.

               
                             MORTY
               Get out of here.

               
                             JERRY
               You're not paying

               
                             MORTY
               Jerry please,

               
                             JERRY
               You're not doing this.

               
               (both fighting to pay)

               
               (Jerry's apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               Boy, you got a lot of stuff here. . 
               . . Dad, what are you doing?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Nothing nothing.

               
                             JERRY
               Leave it. What about your back?

               
                             HELEN
               Morty, what are you doing?

               
                             MORTY
               All right, all right.

               
                             JERRY
               You come all the way up here to see 
               a back specialist and you're lifting 
               heavy suit cases.
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Morty.

               
                             MORTY
               Hey, Mr. Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld.

               
                             HELEN
               What happened to you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well some guy kicked me in the side 
               of the head.
 
               
                             HELEN
               What guy?

               
                             KRAMER
               Crazy Joe Devola.

               
                             HELEN
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, I was having this party and I 
               didn't invite him and Jerry tipped him 
               off.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Why did you tell this crazy guy that 
               Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't know he wasn't invited

               
                             MORTY
               Hey, these are very comfortable pants. 
               You know what I paid for these Jerry?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               So why did you say anything?

               
                             JERRY
               It was a mistake.

               
                             MORTY
               They're good around the house and they're 
               good for outside.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Are you okay?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last 
               week - but the doctor says it was just 
               a slight concussion
 
               
                             HELEN
               So what's the matter with this Devola 
               guy?
 
               
                             JERRY
               He's got like a chemical imbalance. 
               He needs to be on medication.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah. He's after Jerry now.

               
                             JERRY
               Kramer!!

               
                             HELEN
               He's what?!

               
                             JERRY
               He's joking.

               
                             HELEN
               He's after you?

               
                             JERRY
               Nooo.

               
                             HELEN
               Why is he after you?

               
                             JERRY
               He's not after me.

               
                             HELEN
               Morty, did you here this? Some crazy 
               guy is after Jerry.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I'll make a few phone calls.

               
                             JERRY
               Who are you going to call?

               
                             MORTY
               What are you worried about?

               
                             HELEN
               I want to know what you did to this 
               guy that he's after you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't do anything.

               
                             HELEN
               Well you must have done something.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               No, he just doesn't like me.

               
                             HELEN
               Doesn't like you? How can anyone not 
               like you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know, it seems impossible.

               
                             HELEN
               Doesn't like you? How can that be?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ma, I know this may be hard for you 
               to understand but I am sure there are 
               many people who do not like me.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Huh, Jerry, don't say that.

               
                             JERRY
               It's true.

               
                             HELEN
               No, it's not true. You're a wonderful, 
               wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. 
               It's impossible not to like you. Impossible. 
               Morty?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Maybe some people don't like him. I 
               could see that.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Kramer?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time 
               you got?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Um, huh, I don't have my watch on. It's 
               being fixed.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               When you getting it back?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh, next week.

               
                             KRAMER
               Next week? How come it's taking so long?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               I said how come it's taking so long?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know. They're backed up.

               
                             KRAMER
               wait a minute, wait a minute, where 
               did you take it?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Where'd I take it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Where did I take it? Where Did I Take 
               It? (stabbing with knife) Um, to that 
               place on, uh Columbus and uh, 85th. 
               Okay?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jimmy Sherman's?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff 
               in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I 
               can get your watch back by tomorrow 
               morning.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, Kramer, I don't want you to say 
               anything to him
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'd be happy to.

               
                             JERRY
               He's a friend of mine.

               
                             JERRY
               I'd like to follow the regular procedures. 
               I don't want any special treatment.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, I'm going to get that watch back 
               for you by tomorrow, buddy.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Give me the receipt.

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll get that too. (exits)

               
                             JERRY
               Be right back. (follows Kramer out)
 
               
               
               (In the hallway)

               
                             JERRY
               . . . I threw it in the garbage can 
               on the street. It didn't keep good time. 
               My parents gave it to me so don't mention 
               it again, okay!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               All right.

               
                             JERRY
               All right.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait, wait , . . .

               
               (Jerry reenters his own apartment)

               
                             HELEN
               What was that about?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, oh, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion 
               and uh, I told him not to return it. 
               If he needs it he should keep it. He's 
               got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               How can anyone not like him.

               
               (Back doctor's office)

               
                             MORTY
               Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock 
               appointment.
 
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please 
               fill in this form(?).
 
               
                             MORTY
               All this? This whole thing? It's going 
               to take me forty-five minutes.
 
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               I know. It's very long.

               
                             MORTY
               Look at this. It's a book. Employer's 
               address. What do they need this? You 
               know I never had a back problem until 
               that night I slept on the convertible 
               sofa. My back was fine.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Well, it's not the sofa.

               
                             MORTY
               You stick up for that sofa like I'm 
               criticizing a person.
 
               
                             HELEN
               We got it at Sullivan's. It's a good 
               store.
 
               
                             MORTY
               One day somebody's going to sleep on 
               that thing and we'll get sued. I hope 
               this doctor knows what he's doing.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Leo says he's the best there is.

               
                             MORTY
               Leo, I'm listening to Leo now!

               
                             HELEN
               You're lucky he was able to get you 
               this appointment. You know what the 
               waiting list is for this guy?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. 
               . . . (back to the form) Have you ever 
               had a sexually transmitted disease? 
               That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name, 
               you got my address. That's enough.
 
               
               
                             RECEPTIONIST
               Julie, you want to take him back?

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             JERRY
               You what? You passed? How could you 
               do that?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Jerry, my young friend, you are so na´ve. 
               You are so so na´ve. You know about 
               a few things. You know about comedy, 
               a little bit about relationships, some 
               baseball, but you are so far out of 
               your element here, you are embarrassing 
               yourself. Now listen to me. I am negotiating. 
               Negotiation, this is what you do in 
               business.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Let me explain to you what you just 
               did. There are literally hundreds of 
               people trying to get pilot deals with 
               them this year. They go with maybe, 
               five. Okay, if we pass, they go to the 
               next show.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ooooo they're 
               not going to do the show.
 
               
                             JERRY
               We're lucky they are even interested 
               in the idea in the first place. We got 
               a show about nothing. With no story. 
               What do you think, they're up there 
               going, maybe we should give those two 
               guys, who have no experience and no 
               idea, more money!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! 
               I'm shaking!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I think you're wrong.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, we'll just see.

               
                             JERRY
               Yes we will.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes we will.

               
                             JERRY
               I just said that.

               
                             GEORGE
               I know you did.

               
                             JERRY
               So good for you.

               
                             GEORGE
               So good for you.

               
                             JERRY
               We'll you're repeating everything I'm 
               saying?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               We'll you're repeating everything I'm 
               saying?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well George is an idiot.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well George,,. . . .

               
               (Doctor's examination room)

               
                             MORTY
               All right, all right, Let's go already. 
               They keep you in here a year. They don't 
               give a damn. I could die in here. . 
               . . Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going 
               on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody 
               please help me.
 
               
                             HELEN
               (enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear 
               you.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Twenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty 
               minutes.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Well the doctor must be busy.

               
                             MORTY
               Well what do they make appointments 
               for if they can't keep them. uh, look 
               if I did that in my business I wouldn't 
               have made a nickel .
 
               
                             NURSE
               Hello, Mr. Seinfeld.

               
                             MORTY
               I thought you forgot about me.

               
                             NURSE
               We didn't forget.

               
               (pulls apart the Velcro blood pressure band)

               
                             MORTY
               Ah! It's Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. 
               It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used 
               to be in raincoats. I refused to put 
               that in any of my lines.
 
               
                             NURSE
               Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this 
               way. We need some X-rays.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Leave all my stuff here?

               
                             NURSE
               Leave it.

               
               (They exit)

               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
                             GEORGE
               Okay, by the way. Do you want a box 
               of Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. 
               I got nauseous.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No I don't want them.

               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               I'll take it. No, I'll take it. What 
               is it?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Here you go.

               
                             KRAMER
               A box of cigars?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yep,

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               The kind that Castro smokes. You can't 
               buy them anywhere.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense 
               Spanish)
 
               
               (Buzzer)

               
                             JERRY
               Yes?

               
                             VOICE
               Federal Express.

               
                             JERRY
               Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal 
               Express. I'm not expecting a package.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Wooo, you know what you just did? You 
               let a burglar into the building.
 
               
                             JERRY
               You think so?

               
                             KRAMER
               Federal Express? Of course. It's the 
               oldest trick in the book. You know it 
               might not be a burglar it might be a 
               murderer.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So you want us to abolish all home package 
               deliveries.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yes. It's dangerous.

               
               (Knock on the door - Kramer prepares for a fight)

               
                             JERRY
               Who is it?

               
                             VOICE
               Federal Express.

               
                             KRAMER
               Okay, . . .

               
               (Elaine enters)

               
                             ALL
               Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, Hi, I thought you went to California.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               I came back for you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer)

               
                             JERRY
               I missed you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, . . .

               
               (lots of missing you talk)

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm going to be right back. I'm going 
               to get a match.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Who's suitcase is this?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it's my parents. My father came 
               up to see a back specialist.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, golly, it's probably from sleeping 
               on that sofa.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Boy, you look really great.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               You lie.

               
                             GEORGE
               No, no you really look great.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hu hu, ha.

               
                             JERRY
               So tell us about the trip. How's Dr. 
               Reston?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, he's fine.

               
                             JERRY
               Things are good?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, you know (scratches cheek)

               
                             JERRY
               Uh oh.

               
                             ELAINE
               What, Uh ih?

               
                             JERRY
               Did you see that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I saw it.

               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               It's a tell. You gotta tell.

               
                             ELAINE
               What tell? What's a tell?

               
                             JERRY
               When you ask someone about their relationship 
               and they touch their face you know it's 
               not going too well. Go ahead ask me 
               how it's going with somebody.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Good, going good (scratches chin) And 
               the higher up on the face you go the 
               worse the relationship is getting. You 
               know it is like - pretty good - not 
               bad - I gotta get out.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How high did I go?

               
                             GEORGE
               You almost did the nose.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you eating my peanut butter 
               out of the jar with your disgusting 
               index fingers? This is a sickening display.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You're off bread. . . . So what happened 
               is it over?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well not quite.

               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             ELAINE
               He was my psychiatrist, you know. He 
               knows all my patterns. In my relationships 
               I always try to find some reason to 
               leave, so as my doctor, he can't allow 
               me to do this, so he's not letting me 
               leave.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What do you mean - "Not letting you?"
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               He has this power over me, okay. He 
               has this way of manipulating every little 
               word I say. He's like a Svenjolly.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Svengali.

               
                             ELAINE
               What did I say?

               
                             JERRY
               Svenjolly.

               
                             ELAINE
               Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Svenjolly.

               
                             ELAINE
               I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So maybe he's got like a cheerful mental 
               hold on you.
 
               
               (Kramer enters)

               
                             KRAMER
               You know I can't find a match anywhere.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               You know what you should do? You should 
               tell this guy you're seeing somebody 
               else. That's the easiest way to get 
               out of these things.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No, it's not going to work with this 
               guy.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you just tell him an old boyfriend 
               has come back into your life.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't think so.

               
                             JERRY
               Nice try.

               
                             GEORGE
               Took a shot.

               
                             KRAMER
               This is a good cigar (hair is on fire) 
               . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom)
 
               
               
               (Doctor's examining room. Morty enters)

               
                             MORTY
               So, when do I get to see the doctor?
 
               
               
                             NURSE
               He'll be in with the X-Rays in a few 
               minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves)
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (checking pants) They stole my wallet. 
               The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S 
               GONE!
 
               
               MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It's gone.
 
               
               
                             NURSE
               Are you sure?

               
                             MORTY
               Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray 
               Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the 
               operation here?
 
               
               (doctor enters)

               
                             DR. DEMBROW
               Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Devro

               
                             MORTY
               I'm not interested in the X-Rays. I 
               want my money back. Somebody stole my 
               wallet. I had $225 in there.
 
               
                             DR. DEMBROW
               Why, I don't see how something like 
               that could have happened.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well 
               it happened. Believe me.
 
               
                             HELEN
               (enters) What's going on?

               
                             MORTY
               They stole my wallet.

               
                             HELEN
               What?

               
                             MORTY
               While I was in getting X-Rayed.

               
                             DR. DEMBROW
               All right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry 
               about your wallet but would you like 
               me to look over these X-Rays?
 
               
                             MORTY
               What kind of clip joint are you running 
               here?
 
               
                             DR. DEMBROW
               All right, fine. (leaves)

               
                             HELEN
               The least you could have done was hear 
               your diagnosis.
 
               
                             MORTY
               I am not interested in his diagnosis. 
               He's a bum.
 
               
                             HELEN
               You came all the way from Florida to 
               see him.
 
               
                             MORTY
               I want to know what kind of an office 
               this is where you can't leave your pants 
               in the room. You tell me.
 
               
               (Dr. Reston's office)

               
                             ELAINE
               I am sorry but there's somebody else.
 
               
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Huh, huh.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well it's nothing I planned on happeniong, 
               you knoe. It just kind of happened.
 
               
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Tell me about him.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, there's not really much to tell, 
               you know, he's just a guy. Really.
 
               
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Yes, I assumed he was a guy. And you've 
               known him how long?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               . . . Years. Years, um, we've been close 
               friends and then recently something 
               you know just happened.
 
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               You mean sexually?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.

               
               (phone rings)

               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Excuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. No it's 
               just east of madison. Around 4:00 will 
               be fine. All right Bobo. (hangs up) 
               . . .I'm sorry where were we?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Well, I was just telling you about this 
               other guy.
 
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Elaine, do you remember your dream where 
               you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese 
               woman?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) ha um.

               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Elaine, I'm concerned about you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, don't concern yourself with me, 
               because I'm good. I'm very good, I mean 
               I'm really very very good.
 
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Elaine. Have you been urinating a lot 
               again?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               . . . no.

               
                             DR. RESTON 
               And how often have you been seeing, 
               . . .? I'm sorry what is his name?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               His name?

               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Yes, his name.

               
                             ELAINE
               Um, what's the difference?

               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Are you afraid to tell me his name?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, I just don't see how that's 
               relevant.
 
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               It doesn't matter if you don't see how. 
               I see how.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Uh, his name, uh, Idon't even know, 
               all right you want to know his name? 
               I'll tell you his name. His name is 
               . . . Kramer.
 
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Kramer. Is that his first name or his 
               last name?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, I'm really uncomfortable talking 
               about this.
 
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               Elaine, I want you to do me a favor.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

               
                             DR. RESTON 
               I want you to tell this young man to 
               give me a call. It is very important 
               that I speak to him.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, no, no no no, I can't do that.
 
               
               
                             DR. RESTON 
               You can do it and you will do it.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, I can't.

               
                             DR. RESTON 
               You can and you will.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, okay. I'll have Kramer give you 
               a call.
 
               
               (Restaurant)

               
                             JERRY
               So you didn't even let the doctor treat 
               you?
 
               
                             MORTY
               I wouldn't give him the satiusfaction.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Why did you leave your wallet in your 
               pants?
 
               
                             MORTY
               What are you talking about? What was 
               I supposed to hide it somewhere?
 
               
                             HELEN
               Well. You could have taken it with you.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Oh, yeah, I'd be lying on the X-Ray 
               table with my wallet in my mouth.
 
               
               
               (Leo enter)

               
                             LEO
               Hello, ,hello.

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Uncle Leo.

               
                             LEO
               I just talked to Dr. Denvro's son. He 
               said they almost had to call the police.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               What are you talking about? I'm the 
               one who should have called the police. 
               They stole my wallet.
 
               
                             LEO
               You know how hard it was for me to get 
               thjat appointment for you? You can't 
               just walk in on this guy. He did me 
               a personal favor.
 
               
                             MORTY
               All right, Leo.

               
                             LEO
               You walked out without paying.

               
                             MORTY
               How was I supposed to pay? I didn't 
               have my wallet.
 
               
                             LEO
               Well, I hope you sent him a check.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               What for?

               
                             LEO
               What for? This man was nice enough to 
               see you. He did me a personal favor.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               That's the second time you said "personal 
               favor". Why do you keep saying that?
 
               
               
                             LEO
               I said it once.

               
                             MORTY
               Twice! And Dembrowdoesn't even know 
               you. His son happens to live on your 
               floor.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Leo, where did you get that watch?
 
               
               
                             LEO
               You know where I got this? (flashback) 
               I found it in the garbage can. It kept 
               terrible time. I brought it over to 
               Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and 
               Columbus. Gave it to me back the next 
               day. Works great. What kind of idiot 
               throws a way a perfectly good watch?
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Doesn't that watch look like the one 
               we gave Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say 
               we have some red meat tonight. Let's 
               live a . . 
 
               
               (looking at watch)

               
                             JERRY
               Can we continue this another time.
 
               
               
               
               
                            THE END



The Wallet



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy