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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                             THE WATCH



                             Written by

                            Larry David




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               It's an entire industry of bad gifts, 
               aren't they? All those
 
               executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put 
               a piece of green
 
               felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, 
               dad." But to
 
               me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's 
               no better
 
               way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, "I refuse 
               to put any thought
 
               into this at all." Where are these people working that the papers 
               are just
 
               blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed 
               to the back of
 
               a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are 
               they
 
               typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need 
               a paperweight for?
 
               
               
               (Restaurant)

               
               Jerry, Helen and Morty Seinfeld and uncle Leo are having dinner.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               (to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, 
               Jimmy Sherman.
 
               (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week 
               to fix. He fixed
 
               yours in one day.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you know these jewellers, they're 
               enigmas. They're
 
               mysteries, wrapped in a riddle.

               
               Morty sits, brooding a little. A hostess, Naomi, passes the table.
 
               
               Helen watches her.

               
                             HELEN
               (indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She's okay.

               
                             HELEN
               Just okay?

               
                             JERRY
               She's nice.

               
                             HELEN
               She's better than nice.

               
                             JERRY
               She's all right.

               
                             HELEN
               She's beautiful.

               
                             JERRY
               She's not beautiful.

               
                             HELEN
               I think she's beautiful.

               
                             JERRY
               So you ask her out.

               
                             HELEN
               I'm not gonna ask her out.

               
                             JERRY
               Why not?

               
                             HELEN
               If you don't think she's beautiful, 
               there's something wrong with
 
               you.

               
                             JERRY
               She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I think that's a little extreme.

               
                             LEO
               (grudgingly) She's awright.

               
                             MORTY
               (oblivious to the above) Two exact same 
               watches. He tells you a
 
               week, and him a day. How could that be? Something's fishy about 
               this.
 
               
               
               (George's Car)

               
                             GEORGE
               He said what?

               
                             SUSAN
               "The hell with them."

               
                             GEORGE
               "The hell with them?"

               
                             SUSAN
               Those were his exact words.

               
                             GEORGE
               (worried) Oh boy.

               
                             SUSAN
               He said, "We've got five hundred shows 
               to choose from. Why
 
               should we give two guys, who have no idea, and no experience, 
               more money?"
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (still worried) He was pretty emphatic?
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Pounded on his desk.

               
                             GEORGE
               Pounded?

               
                             SUSAN
               (tossing her purse on the dash) I told 
               you to take the offer.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (getting animated) Look I, I uh, I had 
               nothing to do with this.
 
               It wasn't my decision. It was Jerry! Jerry told me no. I'm the 
               creative
 
               guy. He handles the business end.

               
                             SUSAN
               You said it was insulting.

               
                             GEORGE
               I was quoting him. Why would I be insulted? 
               I'm never insulted.
 
               You could call me baldy, dump soup on my head. Nothing insults 
               me.
 
               
                             SUSAN
               Well, there's nothing I can do.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, don't they make a counter offer? 
               How can they just cancel
 
               the whole deal like that? What kind of a maniac is this guy? 
               I mean he
 
               just, he says no, and that's it?

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah, that's the way Russell is. He 
               doesn't like to play games.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, he has to play! He can't just 
               not play. We're playing!
 
               Look, I gotta see him, how do I get in touch with him?

               
                             SUSAN
               You'll have to wait til Monday.

               
                             GEORGE
               Mon...? No, no, I can't wait til Monday, 
               that's impossible, I
 
               gotta talk to him now. Where does he live?

               
                             SUSAN
               (laugh) I can't give you his address.
 
               
               
               George looks frustrated for a second, then notices Susan's purse 
               on the
 
               dash. He grabs it, Susan grabs it and a struggle ensues.

               
                             SUSAN
               Give it back!

               
                             GEORGE
               Gimme the purse!

               
               
               (Kramer's Apartment)

               
               Elaine and Kramer sit on the couch.

               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. 
               I couldn't talk him out
 
               of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that 
               we're in love,
 
               okay. Can you do that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               Have we been intimate?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, how often do we do it?

               
                             ELAINE
               Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, 
               do you really think
 
               he's gonna ask you that?

               
                             KRAMER
               Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're 
               interested in stuff like
 
               that.

               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, alright. We do it, uh... (thinks) 
               five times a week,
 
               okay?

               
                             KRAMER
               (suggestive) Oooh, baby. (smiles)

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, man. Alright, listen. Just tell 
               me something, what are you
 
               gonna say?

               
                             KRAMER
               I know what I'm gonna say.

               
                             ELAINE
               No, no, but I would like to hear it.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               No, no. I don't wanna say it out loud. 
               Kills the spontaneity.
 
               You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed. (indicates phone) 'Kay, 
               go 'head, do it.
 
               
               Elaine picks up the phone, while Kramer prepares himself.

               
                             ELAINE
               (dialling) Alright, okay. You talk to 
               him.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (playing with his hair) Talk to him.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, how's your hair?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, well, yeah, it's good.

               
                             ELAINE
               (handing over the phone) You're not 
               the type that should be
 
               playing with matches, seriously Kramer.

               
                             KRAMER
               (listens) Uh, yes. Uh uh, Doctor uh, 
               Reston, is he in? Well,
 
               this is Kramer and uh, he's expecting my call.

               
                             ELAINE
               (mouths silently) Okay.

               
               Kramer holds on. He begins to sing along with the hold music.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (singing) ...Johnny ...was a rebel. 
               He rode through the land...
 
               
               He waggles his eyebrows at Elaine, who gives a 'what the hell 
               is he
 
               doing?' look.

               
                             KRAMER
               ...Yu uh, yes, yes uh, uh, Doctor Reston. 
               Uhm well, hello
 
               there. Ahh yeah, well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's...

               
                             ELAINE
               (animated, but quietly) No, no. Not 
               friends.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               ...Well, actually uh, we're uh, we're 
               not friends Uh, we're uh,
 
               we're much more than friends...

               
               Elaine signals her approval, indicating that Kramer should keep 
               going.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               ...and uh, I'm afraid we have a bit 
               of a problem. Well, the
 
               point is, doctor uh, I'm very much in love with Elaine...

               
               Elaine smiles.

               
                             KRAMER
               ...and uh, she's very much in love with 
               me, and uh, well uh, we
 
               would uh, appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow 
               us to pursue
 
               our courtship unfettered.

               
               Elaine looks extremely pleased, she gives Kramer okay gestures.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (mouths silently) That's perfect!

               
                             KRAMER
               If not, I can assure you, doctor, that 
               I can make things very
 
               unpleasant for you and your staff. If you have one.

               
               Elaine looks even happier. She slaps Kramer on the arm to indicate 
               he's
 
               doing so well.

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes. Yeah, but the point that I... (listens)
 
               
               
               Elaine's smile begins to look a bit stiff.

               
                             KRAMER
               ...Ah, ye... (listens) Well, no... Uh, 
               yeah, that's possible...
 
               
               Elaine's face starts to look a bit sick.

               
                             KRAMER
               (listens) ...Well, I suppose I could, 
               (turns away from Elaine)
 
               but I'd have to shift a few things around, uhm... Hold on for 
               a second, will
 
               you? Uh...

               
               Kramer reaches down and picks up a writing pad, he puts it on 
               his knee.
 
               Elaine watches, looking increasingly confused and worried.

               
                             KRAMER
               ... Uh, go ahead, yeah. (listens and 
               makes a note) Alright
 
               uh... Yeah, yeah, okay... I look forward to it too. (listens) 
               Eh, hah, okay. So
 
               long.

               
               Kramer hangs up the phone.

               
                             ELAINE
               What happened? What'd he say? (indicates 
               pad) What's going on
 
               here?

               
                             KRAMER
               Uh, okay now. He uh, you know, he uh, 
               wants to get together.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (horrified) Get together!!

               
                             KRAMER
               He wants to talk.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, why didn't you say no!!

               
                             KRAMER
               (momentary confusion) Wha...? Uh... 
               (thoughtful) That's
 
               interesting.

               
               Elaine flops back into the couch, let down again by Kramer.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (frustration) Ugh!

               
               
               (Restaurant)

               
               Naomi, the hostess, stands by the Seinfeld's table.

               
                             NAOMI
               Did you enjoy your poisson?

               
                             HELEN
               It was... different.

               
                             NAOMI
               (to Jerry) And how was yours?

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, very good.

               
                             NAOMI
               You should try our mousse. (a little 
               flirtatious) It'll change
 
               your life expectancy.

               
                             JERRY
               No thanks, just the check.

               
               Naomi leaves.

               
                             HELEN
               What's the matter with you?

               
                             JERRY
               What?

               
                             HELEN
               Why didn't you flirt with her?

               
                             JERRY
               Come on.

               
                             HELEN
               She was flirting with you. Why didn't 
               you say something?
 
               
                             JERRY
               What am I gonna say?

               
                             HELEN
               You just sat there.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, you made me uncomfortable.

               
                             HELEN
               You're a comedian, couldn't you come 
               up with something?
 
               
                             LEO
               (to Morty) Where's the bathroom?

               
                             JERRY
               In the back, on your right.

               
               Leo gets up and leaves. The busboy brings the check to the table. 
               As he
 
               puts it down, Morty takes hold of it. Jerry grabs it too. A tug 
               of war
 
               develops.

               
                             JERRY
               Dad!

               
                             MORTY
               Will you stop it Jerry. Let go.

               
                             HELEN
               Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Will you let me pay just once.

               
                             MORTY
               You're out of your mind.

               
                             JERRY
               How you gonna pay? You don't even have 
               a wallet!
 
               
                             MORTY
               Don't worry about it.

               
                             JERRY
               What're you gonna do?

               
                             MORTY
               What's the difference, we'll figure 
               something out.
 
               
                             HELEN
               (to Jerry) You're not paying.

               
               Jerry releases his grip, allowing a triumphant Morty to take 
               the check.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, fine. You figure something 
               out. I'd be very curious to
 
               know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, 
               the whole
 
               monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) 
               I'm going to the
 
               bathroom.

               
               Jerry walks away. Morty reads the check, with Helen leaning to 
               read it
 
               too.

               
                             MORTY
               How the hell am I gonna pay for this?
 
               
               
               
               (Restaurant Bathroom)

               
               Jerry enters, to find Leo washing his hands. Leo notices Jerry 
               in the
 
               mirror.

               
                             LEO
               They give you some portion here, huh?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey 
               uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't
 
               uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, 
               I really did have
 
               to get to

               a meeting.

               
                             LEO
               (preening himself in the mirror) Aw, 
               no, no, I understand. I got
 
               plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So you found that watch in the garbage 
               can, huh?
 
               
                             LEO
               Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran 
               into you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine 
               has a watch just like that.
 
               I'd love to replace it for him as a gift.

               
                             LEO
               Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating 
               watch) these.
 
               
               Leo begins to head for the door. Jerry walks backwards, keeping 
               pace
 
               with him.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell 
               me that one.
 
               
                             LEO
               (sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter)

               
               Leo opens the door and begins to exit. Jerry grabs him by the 
               arm.
 
               
                             JERRY
               (pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. 
               I got a little
 
               proposition for you.

               
               
               (Apartment Building Lobby)

               
               A uniformed doorman is on the phone to a tenant, while a nervous 
               George
 
               stands beside him.

               
                             DOORMAN
               (into phone) There's a George Bonanza 
               to see you.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Costanza. Costanza.

               
                             DOORMAN
               (into phone) George Costanza.

               
                             GEORGE
               The guy who pitched him the show with 
               the stories about
 
               nothing. (snaps fingers) Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld's friend.
 
               
               
                             DOORMAN
               (into phone) Seinfeld friend. (he listens) 
               (to George) He
 
               says, call him Monday.

               
               A desperate George grabs the phone, and the doorman's hand, and 
               pulls
 
               it down so's he can speak into it.

               
                             GEORGE
               (into phone, frantic) Mister Dalrimple! 
               Mister Dalrimple I have
 
               to talk to you!

               
                             DOORMAN
               Excuse me.

               
                             GEORGE
               It's about the show. It... No, it was...
 
               
               
                             DOORMAN
               Excuse me.

               
                             GEORGE
               ...It was all a terrible misunderstanding, 
               sir. Just five
 
               minutes. Just five minutes of your time. (listens) Thank you! 
               Thank you, Mister
 
               Dalrimple.

               
               George releases his grip on the phone, and indicates the doorman 
               should
 
               listen to it. Keeping a wary eye on George, he does.

               
                             DOORMAN
               (into phone) Very good, sir.

               
               A happier George slaps the doorman on the shoulder and heads 
               toward
 
               Russell Dalrimple's apartment.

               
               
               (Restaurant)

               
               Morty stands, explaining his predicament to the maitre d', who 
               speaks
 
               with an approximate French accent.

               
                             MORTY
               You don't understand. I can't allow 
               my son to pay for me. Look,
 
               as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you I'll mail you 
               a check.
 
               
                             MAITRE D'
               Why don't you just let him pay, and 
               then you can pay him
 
               back?

               
                             MORTY
               No, no, he won't let me do that.

               
                             MAITRE D'
               Why don't you just put the money in 
               his pants pocket,
 
               unsuspectingly?

               
                             MORTY
               He could wash them.

               
                             MAITRE D'
               Monsieur, we are running a reputable 
               business.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Don't tell me about business! I sold 
               raincoats for thirty-five
 
               years!

               
                             MAITRE D'
               Aha, but you did not give them away, 
               did you?
 
               
                             MORTY
               You don't understand my...

               
                             MAITRE D'
               Ah, monsieur, I cannot get involved 
               with you and your
 
               family, ah.

               
               
               (Street Corner)

               
               Kramer and Elaine stroll to the entrance of Dr Reston's building.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Now look, don't take too long.

               
                             KRAMER
               (looking around) Look at this building. 
               What is this?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I don't know. It's a building.

               
                             KRAMER
               (indicating) The door's on a diagonal.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               So what?

               
                             KRAMER
               (looking around) It's architecturally 
               incorrect.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (frustrated) Just go.

               
               Kramer opens the door and begins to enter. Elaine waves him goodbye,
 
               
               then wonders why she's doing that and gives up.

               
               
               (Russell Dalrimple's Apartment)

               
               Russell has opened the door to an anxious George. In the background 
               is
 
               a set dinner table, at which sits Cynthia, Russell's beautiful 
               date. She
 
               looks haughty and bored throughout the scene.

               
                             GEORGE
               (sidling in) Is this a bad time? I hope 
               I'm not disturbing
 
               anything.

               
                             RUSSELL
               We were about to sit down to dinner.
 
               
               
               George motions he's sorry, but makes no effort to leave.

               
                             RUSSELL
               (indicating) This is Cynthia.

               
                             GEORGE
               (entering the apartment more fully) 
               Oh. Oh, hi, hi. Hi. Nice to
 
               meet you. (peering at the table) What're you having, veal?

               
                             RUSSELL
               No.

               
                             GEORGE
               Looks like veal.

               
                             RUSSELL
               It's not veal.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, it's a good looking piece of meat. 
               (laughs nervously)
 
               Wow, this is some place. A duplex, huh? (indicating) Look at 
               this, you got stairs in
 
               an apartment. All my life, I dreamed about having steps in an 
               apartment.
 
               Even one step. Sunken living room. Although, one step is really 
               not all that
 
               sunken. (tries hard to elicit a laugh)

               
                             RUSSELL
               Who gave you my address?

               
                             GEORGE
               No, that's a fair question. It is, uhm... 
               (nervous chuckle)
 
               Jerry, yeah. (to Cynthia) Jerry's a friend of mine. (to Russell) 
               He uh, he gave it
 
               to me. Unbelievable how many addresses of people this guy has.
 
               
               
               Russell closes the door.

               
                             GEORGE
               He's got Marlon Brando's. I could go 
               to Marlon Brando's house
 
               if I

               really wanted.

               
               Cynthia rises and slinks past George toward the living room area.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Course, I wouldn't, I mean uh, the guy 
               is uh, well obviously
 
               (to Cynthia, as she passes) the guy has his problems.

               
                             RUSSELL
               So, what's the surprise? You wanna talk 
               about the show?
 
               
               Cynthia sits on the couch, and puts her wine glass on the coffee 
               table.
 
               As George speaks, Russell crosses to the coffee table, picks 
               up the glass
 
               and puts down a coaster, before sitting the glass on it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, you know, it's really very funny, 
               because you know what
 
               we got here, really? We really, really, just have a terrible 
               misunderstanding.
 
               You see, when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry 
               wanted me to
 
               say. Y'know, I, I misinterpreted.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               (bored) Russell, where's the TV Guide.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, what time is it? Eight thirty? I'll 
               tell you what's on. You
 
               got Major Dad, Blossom, very funny programme...

               
                             RUSSELL
               Blossom's on Monday.

               
                             GEORGE
               Are you sure? Oh, look who I'm talking 
               to. The president of
 
               NBC. (forced laughter)

               
                             RUSSELL
               Look Mister Costanza, it's too late 
               now anyway. I already made
 
               a deal with another writing team.

               
                             GEORGE
               (worried) Alright, alright. Look, we're 
               people, you and me,
 
               huh?  Businessmen. Colleagues, if I may. Let's not quibble. We'll 
               do it for
 
               the thirteen thousand. Thirteen thousand, and I never came up 
               here, we
 
               never talked, alright. You take good care. (moving past Russell 
               toward the door) It
 
               was nice seeing you again, and nice meeting you. (to Cynthia) 
               Cynthia, right?
 
               
               George is opening the door.

               
                             RUSSELL
               Alright, now look. These deals are already 
               made.
 
               
               George closes the door and turns back to Russell.

               
                             GEORGE
               Awright, lemme just say this. Ten thousand 
               dollars, alright,
 
               and now I'm going below what you wanted to pay. You have your 
               dinner, have your
 
               veal, or whatever it is. Enjoy...

               
               George opens the door, and is halfway through.

               
                             RUSSELL
               Mister Costanza.

               
               George re-enters again.

               
                             GEORGE
               Alright, that's it. Alright, good, eight 
               thousand dollars. (to
 
               Cynthia) Cynthia, again, nice meeting you. Have I commented on 
               the shoes? I love
 
               suede, it's so thick and rich. Did you ever, you ever rub it 
               against the
 
               grain? Alright, anyway...

               
               George is halfway through the door again.

               
                             CYNTHIA
               (bored, frustrated) Russell, can we 
               eat?
 
               
                             RUSSELL
               (to George) Alright. Eight thousand.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               (pleased) You've made Jerry very happy.
 
               
               
               George exits and Russell closes the door firmly. As Russell returns 
               to
 
               Cynthia, there is a tentative tap at the door. Russell opens 
               it, to reveal
 
               George.

               
                             GEORGE
               May I just use your bathroom for a moment?
 
               
               
               
               (Restaurant Bathroom)

               
               Leo and Jerry are mid-negotiation over the watch.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, two hundred, but that's as 
               high as I can go. I really
 
               think you're being unreasonable here!

               
                             LEO
               Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's 
               not the money, I happen to
 
               like it.

               
                             JERRY
               Look, I happen to know how much that 
               watch cost. It's a sixty
 
               dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred 
               dollars. I'm
 
               offering you two hundred!

               
                             LEO
               (indicating) I've never seen a band 
               like this.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty 
               for the repair. Three
 
               fifty, that's it!

               
                             LEO
               You have it on you?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I think I do.

               
               Jerry fetches out his wallet.

               
                             JERRY
               (under his breath) This is unbelievable.
 
               
               
               Jerry begins handing over a wad of bills to Leo. The door to 
               the
 
               bathroom opens and Morty enters.

               
                             MORTY
               What the hell is going on here?

               
               
               (Dr Reston's Office)

               
               On the street outside, Elaine waits, while upstairs Kramer introduces
 
               
               himself to Dr Reston.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it uh, (offering his hand) it's 
               a pleasure to meet you.
 
               
                             RESTON
               (shaking hands) Thank you for coming 
               in.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Thank you.

               
                             RESTON
               Please, sit down.

               
               Dr Reston sits in one of a pair of leather armchairs which face 
               each
 
               other, he crosses his legs.

               
                             KRAMER
               (quiet) Okay.

               
               Kramer sits and the leather of the chair makes a series of embarrassing
 
               
               rumbles and squeaks, with more of the same as he emulates Dr 
               Reston's crossed
 
               legs sitting position.

               
                             RESTON
               Could I offer you something to drink. 
               Uhm, coffee? Anything?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Okay uh, yeah. I'll have a uh, you have 
               a decaf cappuccino?
 
               
                             RESTON
               I don't think we have that.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, that's a little strange.

               
                             RESTON
               Uh, why does that surprise you?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, it's uh, it's a very popular drink
 
               
               
                             RESTON
               This is an office.

               
                             KRAMER
               That's true. But, you know, I can't 
               help but think that uh...
 
               
                             RESTON
               (interrupting) So tell me Mister Kramer...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ...Okay, yes, shoot.

               
                             RESTON
               Tell me all about uh, you and Elaine.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, alrighty uh...

               
               He moves in his seat, resulting in another digestive tract rumble 
               from
 
               the leather.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what we have here, doctor, is 
               uhm, an extraordinary
 
               situation.

               
                             RESTON
               Is it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, you better believe it.

               
               
               (Street Corner)

               
               Elaine is waiting outside for Kramer. Along the street strolls 
               Joe
 
               Davola, singing as he goes.

               
                             DAVOLA
               (singing) '...Travelling along...'
 
               
               
               Elaine recognises the tune, and joins in.

               
                             ELAINE/DAVOLA
               '...singing a song, side by side...'
 
               
               
               Davola stops and looks at Elaine. He looks like he likes what 
               he sees,
 
               and Elaine seems interested too. They flirt.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wow. You really have a terrible voice.
 
               
               
                             DAVOLA
               Do I know you?

               
                             ELAINE
               Uhh, I don't think so.

               
                             DAVOLA
               'Cos you really look familiar.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, well maybe you've seen me. My face 
               is on uhm, Mount
 
               Rushmore.

               
                             DAVOLA
               Oh yes, of course, that's it. I guess 
               I'm just used to seeing
 
               it on a much larger scale.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh yeah, right. I replaced uh, Teddy 
               Roosevelt.
 
               
                             DAVOLA
               Oh really.

               
                             ELAINE
               Umm. Trustbuster. Bust this.

               
               They laugh and smile at each other.

               
               
               (Dr. Reston's Office)

               
               Kramer and Dr Reston are also laughing.

               
                             KRAMER
               You know, I never thought of it like 
               that before, doctor.
 
               (points) You, are absolutely right.

               
                             RESTON
               I'm glad we agree.

               
                             KRAMER
               (reaching in pocket) Hey, would you 
               like a cigar? Y'know,
 
               they're Cubans.

               
                             RESTON
               I'd love one.

               
               Kramer hands over a cigar and fetches a match from his pocket.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. You know, I think Elaine is a 
               wonderful woman. You two
 
               are gonna make a wonderful couple.

               
               Kramer strikes a match on the sole of his shoe.

               
                             RESTON
               If you ever feel, a need to talk to 
               someone...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (lighting Dr Reston's cigar) Uh huh.
 
               
               
                             RESTON
               ...About anything. You have my number.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (lighting his own cigar) Well, that's 
               very kind of you.
 
               
               Kramer puts down the match, not noticing he's placed it on a 
               box of
 
               tissues. He and Dr Reston puff contentedly at their cigars.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Mmm, these are good, huh?

               
               Kramer notices he's set light to the top tissue in the box.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (quiet) Oh.

               
               Kramer pulls the smouldering tissue from the box. He shakes it 
               to put
 
               out the fire, but a piece falls to the floor. As he reaches for 
               it, he keeps
 
               the rest of the tissue in his hand, where it burns his fingers. 
               He jumps, almost
 
               dropping his cigar, and sucks at his burned digits.

               
               
               (Street Corner)

               
               Elaine is using Davola's back as a rest as she jots her number 
               on a
 
               piece of paper.

               
                             ELAINE
               I cannot believe I'm doing this. I never 
               meet people like this.
 
               You're not a nut, are you?

               
                             DAVOLA
               No, I don't think so.

               
               Elaine hands the piece of paper and the pen back to Davola as 
               they
 
               laugh at the ludicrous possibility that he might be a nut.

               
               
               (Restaurant)

               
               Naomi is handing her card to Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe I'm doing this. I never 
               do stuff like this.
 
               
                             NAOMI
               (joking) Really? I give out my number 
               to just about every
 
               customer who comes in here.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem 
               that desperate.
 
               
                             NAOMI
               (playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, 
               I'm a little
 
               disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo.

               
                             JERRY
               Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, 
               and thanks for the fish.
 
               By the way, you know why fish are so thin?

               
                             NAOMI
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               They eat fish.

               
               Naomi starts to laugh at his joke. It is, of course, the laugh 
               later
 
               described as 'Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer'. It's loud and 
               persistent. Jerry
 
               leaves, but then leans back around the corner with a look of 
               disbelief on his face.
 
               
               
               (Lobby In Dr. Reston's Office)

               
               A cheerful Joe Davola waits for the elevator to arrive, whistling 
               'Side
 
               By Side'. The elevator arrives with a ding of the bell. The door 
               opens and
 
               Kramer steps out, shielded from Davola by other passengers. Kramer 
               walks away,
 
               relighting his cigar, as Davola enters the elevator, still whistling
 
               
               happily.

               
               
               (Street Corner)

               
               Elaine sits on the steps outside the building. The door opens 
               and one
 
               of the other elevator passengers exits, he releases the door, 
               which swings
 
               shut, almost striking Kramer. Kramer walks toward Elaine.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey.

               
                             ELAINE
               What happened? What took you so long?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, he's a terrific guy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Wha...? What are you talking about? 
               What'd he say?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, we talked about a lot of things.
 
               
               
               The camera pans up, toward the lighted window of Dr Reston's 
               office.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You talked about a lot of things? Well...
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               
                             ELAINE
               Did you talk about us?

               
               Elaine and Kramer's voices fade out, and the voices inside the 
               window
 
               fade up.

               
                             DAVOLA
               I'm in love. I just met her outside 
               in the street. Her
 
               name's Elaine. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
 
               
               
                             RESTON
               Did you say Elaine?

               
               
               (Nightclub)

               
               Jerry's standup piece.

               
                             JERRY
               How come the psychiatrist, every, the 
               hour is only fifty
 
               minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they 
               have left? Do they just
 
               sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe 
               the things he
 
               was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another 
               headcase!"
 
               
               
               (Jerry's Apartment)

               
               Jerry brings his parents' cases from the bedroom. Helen is finishing
 
               
               packing.

               
                             MORTY
               You shoulda told me it didn't work.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I know, I know.

               
                             HELEN
               You didn't have to throw it out.

               
                             JERRY
               I was always late. It was frustrating 
               me. I'm sorry, I really
 
               am.

               
               The buzzer sounds.

               
                             HELEN
               Oh, that must be Leo.

               
                             JERRY
               I woulda taken you to the airport.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               He has nothing to do.

               
                             JERRY
               Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah?

               
                             GEORGE
               It's George.

               
                             JERRY
               Come on up. (to parents) It's George.
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Oh, it's George.

               
                             HELEN
               What ever happened with NBC and the 
               deal?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Ah, George turned it down.

               
                             HELEN
               He turned it down?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.

               
                             HELEN
               Why did he do that?

               
                             JERRY
               Because of Ted Danson.

               
                             HELEN
               What does Ted Danson have to do with 
               it?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.

               
                             JERRY
               (fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, 
               who knows, maybe we'll
 
               wind up getting more money.

               
               George enters.

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) Hey.

               
                             MORTY
               Hey, Georgie-boy, how are ya?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hey, Mr Seinfeld. (shakes Morty's hand) 
               Hey, Mrs Seinfeld. How
 
               are you?

               
               He approaches Helen for a greeting.

               
                             HELEN
               What's the matter with you?

               
                             GEORGE
               What'd I do?

               
                             JERRY
               What about NBC? Did you hear anything?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

               
               Jerry looks expectantly, but George makes him wait.

               
                             GEORGE
               We got a deal.

               
               There is an outpouring of jubilation and congratulations aimed 
               at
 
               George.

               
                             MORTY/HELEN/JERRY
               (simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We 
               got a deal!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Heyy! Terrific.

               
                             MORTY
               You see, he had the right idea. Hold 
               out. That's how you get the
 
               big money, huh George? (slaps George on the shoulder)

               
                             GEORGE
               Uh, please, Morty.

               
                             MORTY
               No, no, no. He knows how to talk to 
               these people. No-one's gonna
 
               take advantage of Georgie. (slaps George's shoulder again)

               
                             GEORGE
               I'm just happy to be working with your 
               talented son...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Aww...

               
                             GEORGE
               ...Who's not doing this for the money.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               ...C'mon.

               
                             GEORGE
               You have no idea how refreshing that 
               is.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So what'd we get?

               
                             GEORGE
               (big smile) Eight thousand dollars.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Beautiful!

               
                             GEORGE
               (quietly) That's uh, for the two of 
               us.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Four thousand apiece?

               
                             JERRY
               Lemme see if I understand this. In other 
               words, you held out
 
               for... less money.

               
                             GEORGE
               I was wrong, you were right.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, the basic idea of negotiation, 
               as I understand it, is
 
               to get your price to go... up.

               
                             GEORGE
               You're smart, I'm dumb.

               
                             JERRY
               You know, this is how they negotiate 
               in the bizarro world.
 
               
               The buzzer sounds.

               
                             HELEN
               That's gotta be Leo.

               
                             JERRY
               (to intercom) Yeah?

               
                             LEO
               Leo.

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, we're coming down.

               
                             MORTY
               Alright, let's get going.

               
                             JERRY
               Dad, before we go, I got a little something 
               for you.
 
               
               Jerry fetches a small package from the kitchen drawer and offers 
               it to
 
               Morty.

               
                             JERRY
               A present.

               
                             MORTY
               A present?

               
               Morty opens it.

               
                             MORTY
               Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly 
               what I needed, y'see.
 
               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured 
               I'd get you another one.
 
               
                             HELEN
               I hope you didn't spend too much on 
               that.
 
               
                             MORTY
               I wanna tell you. This is one of the 
               most thoughtful gifts
 
               anyone's ever given me.

               
                             HELEN
               He's something, you son, isn't he?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Ah hah, alright, let's go.

               
               Everyone begins to head for the door.

               
                             MORTY
               You're a terrific kid.

               
               Jerry picks up a case.

               
                             JERRY
               Okay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, he's something, isn't he?

               
               George picks up the other case, as Morty and Helen exit.

               
                             HELEN
               How could anybody not like you?

               
                             GEORGE
               (to Jerry) You're very special.

               
                             JERRY
               (pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about 
               four thousand dollars.
 
               
               
               (Street)

               
               Uncle Leo has the trunk of his car open and looks impatient.
 
               
               
                             LEO
               Hey, let's go! It's twelve (checks watch) 
               uh, twelve twenty-two.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Alright, Leo.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, uncle Leo.

               
                             LEO
               Hi, hi...

               
                             JERRY
               How you doing?

               
               There are murmurs of greetings.

               
                             JERRY
               This is some beautiful parking spot 
               you got here.
 
               
                             LEO
               Yeah, I hate to give it up.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need 
               any more money?
 
               
                             MORTY
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have 
               a nice trip.
 
               
                             HELEN
               (hugging Jerry) Bye bye, Jerry.

               
                             GEORGE
               Bye Mrs Seinfeld, take care.

               
                             MORTY
               Bye bye. (hugging Jerry) Thanks again 
               for the wallet.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always 
               a pleasure.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Take care now. So long.

               
               Jerry and George walk away to cross the street back to the apartment.
 
               
               They speak quietly, so's Helen and Morty don't overhear.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, like he was really gonna take 
               your money.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars 
               in the new wallet.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               You're kidding.

               
                             JERRY
               He lost all that cash. It was the only 
               way I could give it back
 
               to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Man, would I like to see the look on 
               his face.
 
               
               Jerry gives a final wave to his parents. They wave back.

               
                             MORTY
               You believe this?

               
                             HELEN
               What?

               
                             MORTY
               (indicates the new wallet) It's velcro.
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               You're kidding.

               
                             MORTY
               Who needs this?

               
               He tosses the wallet into the trash bin.

               
                             MORTY
               Leo, let's go.

               
               Morty and Helen climb into Leo's car. Leo closes the trunk and 
               walks
 
               toward the driver's door. He stops, as something catches his 
               eye. Leo picks the
 
               wallet out of the trash, looks around to see if anyone's watching, 
               and tucks it
 
               into his pocket as he goes to get in the car.

               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Jerry's standup piece.

               
                             JERRY
               ...main difference between the women's 
               wallet and the man's
 
               wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph 
               of every
 
               person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since 
               the beginning
 
               of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? 
               It's, "Here's my
 
               cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now." "This is 
               my dog. He died
 
               during the Johnson administration." You know. You get stopped 
               by a cop, no
 
               licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) "Here's fifty-six 
               people that
 
               know me." Cop goes. "Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure 
               you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."

               
               
               
                               THE END



The Watch



Writers :   Larry David
Genres :   Comedy


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