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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                              THE WIFE



                             Written by

                            Peter Mehlman




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
               Of all the places that you go all the time, the dry-cleaning 
               relationship is one of the most bizarre. Because you keep giving 
               each other the same thing, back and forth, over and over again. 
               He gives it to you, you give it to him, he gives it back to you. 
               It's like it's half his shirt, in a way. He has it as much as 
               you do...you oughta go shopping with him. 'What do you think 
               of this shirt?' 'That would look good with a light starch.' The 
               only warning label people really respect is 'dry-clean only.' 
               Y'know what I mean? Speed limits, lung cancer, cigarette warnings 
               - your very life is at stake! People go, 'Ah, the hell with it!' 
               But dry-clean only? 'Oh, don't put that in the wash! It's dry-clean 
               only! Are you crazy?!'
 
               
               Opening scene - Jerry and his girlfriend Meryl at Jerry's apartment. 
               Meryl comes out of Jerry's bedroom.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Good morning.

               
                             JERRY
               Good morning.

               
                             MERYL
               How'd you sleep?

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, you are the couch tonight, young 
               lady. You were all over my side.
 
               
                             MERYL
               I was not!

               
                             JERRY
               C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek 
               off the bed!
 
               
                             MERYL
               By the way, you're falling way behind 
               on the 'I love you's.'
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, 12-8!

               
                             MERYL
               No, it's 15-8.

               
                             JERRY
               I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying 
               to stay competitive.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Alright c'mon, let's get some breakfast.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll 
               try a sport jacket and scarf thing, 
               you know, like an unemployed actor. 
               (Goes into his room, and comes back 
               out with the jacket on.) Haven't worn 
               this one in a long time.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Ooh, cashmere?

               
                             JERRY
               No, gore-tex. It's new. (Checks his 
               pockets.) Hey, look at this locket. 
               What the hell is this? There's a picture 
               in here, look at that.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Wow, this is really old. You don't know 
               whose it is?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, I haven't worn this jacket since 
               I got it back from the dry-cleaner. 
               Maybe we should ask him.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Alright, we'll stop over there.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?
 
               
               
                             MERYL
               Pancakes.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting 
               pancakes.
 
               
                             MERYL
               I don't know that!  Mark's Michelle 
               is a dog.
 
               
                             JERRY
               But we can't both get pancakes, it's 
               embarrassing. It's like one step from 
               the couples who dress alike.
 
               
                             MERYL
               I'll get the short stack.

               
                             JERRY
               Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. (They 
               go out into the hallway and run into 
               Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, 
               Anna.) Hey, how ya doin.'
 
               
                             KRAMER
               We just got back from breakfast. The 
               pancakes were dynamite.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hey, is that my maple syrup? (Kramer 
               hands it over.)
 
               
                             MERYL
               You bring your own syrup?

               
                             KRAMER
               Got to.

               
                             JERRY
               You got a lot to learn about pancakes.
 
               
               
               Jerry and Meryl at Marty the dry-cleaner's.

               
                             MARTY
               This is my wife. She died eight years 
               ago. I been looking all over for this!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket 
               on. But how did it get in the pocket?
 
               
               
                             MARTY
               Well, see here, the chain is broken...it 
               must have slipped in when I was, uh...(gestures 
               at the racks of clothes behind him.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, wow.

               
                             MARTY
               I turned my house upside-down looking 
               for this! It's all I have left of her.
 
               
               
                             MERYL
               Oh, that's so touching.

               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, come on!

               
                             MARTY
               What are you talkin' about?

               
                             JERRY
               It's silly!

               
                             MARTY
               Hey, forget it!

               
                             JERRY
               Get outta here!

               
                             MARTY
               It's done!

               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
                             MERYL
               Well, I guess I get it too, because 
               I'm his wife.
 
               
                             MARTY
               I didn't know you were married.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh...yeah...you've never met my wife, 
               Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld.
 
               
                             MARTY
               Sure, you get the discount, too.

               
                             JERRY
               You might regret that, because the money 
               my wife spends on clothes...
 
               
                             MERYL
               I'm taking him to the cleaners!

               
                             JERRY
               Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, 
               I'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.) 
               I tell ya, it was fun being single, 
               but when you meet a woman like this, 
               you don't walk to get married - you 
               run!
 
               
               Elaine on the street outside the New York Health Club. Greg comes 
               out of the club.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, hi Greg.

               
                             GREG
               Haven't seen you in a while.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Well, today was the first day 
               I worked out since the Central Park 
               Mini-Marathon.
 
               
                             GREG
               You ran the Mini-Marathon?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, but I exercised that day. (Laughs.)
 
               
               
                             GREG
               Well, I gotta take off.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, I guess as an airline pilot, you're 
               one of the few people who can say that 
               and mean it. (Laughs again. Greg looks 
               at her, unamused.) Um, do you have the 
               time?
 
               
                             GREG
               Eleven-thirty.

               
                             ELAINE
               Eleven-thirty?

               
                             GREG
               Wait, ten-thirty. Sorry.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh.

               
                             GREG
               Do you have to be somewhere?

               
                             ELAINE
               No.

               
                             GREG
               Then what are you doing?

               
                             ELAINE
               I'm just waiting for my friend George, 
               we worked out together.
 
               
                             GREG
               Oh. Well, it was good seeing you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, nice to see you, too.

               
               (Greg plants an open-lipped kiss on Elaine and walks away. She 
               looks after him with a puzzled expression.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Meryl having breakfast at the coffee shop.

               
                             MERYL
               Uh, would you, um...can I...

               
                             JERRY
               Pardon?

               
                             MERYL
               The syrup. Would you pass the syrup?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, you want to try the syrup! (Meryl 
               smiles and takes it. The waitress comes 
               over.)
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               Can I get you anything else?

               
                             JERRY
               Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll 
               have a little more coffee.
 
               
                             WAITRESS
               Okay.

               
                             MERYL
               And a check for my husband.

               
                             JERRY
               To my beautiful wife.

               
                             MERYL
               To my adoring husband.

               
                             JERRY
               Adoring? What about handsome?

               
                             MERYL
               I like adoring.

               
                             JERRY
               Sure, adoring's good for you, what does 
               it do for me? (Meryl laughs. The owner 
               of the coffee shop comes over.)
 
               
                             OWNER
               Excuse me...where did you get that?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I, uh...well...

               
                             OWNER
               Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups, 
               jams or condiments in the restaurant. 
               (To Jerry) And if I catch you in here 
               with that again...I will confiscate 
               it.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, I told my wife not to bring it.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.

               
               
                             JERRY
               No, just Meryl.

               
                             KRAMER
               Why, why? Why does she get it?

               
                             JERRY
               Because she's my wife! (The door buzzer 
               sounds, and Jerry lets Elaine into the 
               building - Jerry: Yeh? Elaine: Meh. 
               Jerry: Eh.) And I'll tell ya, I'm really 
               enjoying this marriage thing. You think 
               about each other. You care about each 
               other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love 
               saying "my wife." Once I started saying 
               it, I couldn't stop - "my wife" this, 
               "my wife" that...it's an amazing way 
               to begin a sentence.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               "My wife has an inner ear infection."
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               See?

               
                             KRAMER
               I like that! Hey look, will you do me 
               a favor? Will you take my quilt into 
               the cleaners for me, so I can get the 
               discount too?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh come on, we're gonna start doing 
               this now? I can't be taking all your 
               dry-cleaning in!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               C'mon, just this one time! It's expensive!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright. (Elaine enters.)

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey. Hey Elaine, what do you say if 
               neither of us is married in ten years, 
               we get hitched?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Let's make it fifty.

               
                             KRAMER
               We're engaged! Alright, I'm gonna get 
               my quilt. (Kramer leaves.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Alright, listen to this. Remember that 
               guy I was telling you about at the health 
               club?
 
               
                             JERRY
               The fly-boy.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, where's George? I thought he was 
               with you.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I waited, he didn't show up. Anyway, 
               this guy gave me an open-lip kiss.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               So?

               
                             ELAINE
               So? We've always just kind've pecked. 
               This one had a totally different dynamic.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Really.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush 
               on my upper lip. But his lower lip landed 
               well below my rim.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Moisture?

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Definite moisture.

               
                             JERRY
               That's an open-lip kiss, alright.

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah. Listen, I think he's giving me 
               a big signal...maybe he wants to change 
               our relationship. (The buzzer sounds, 
               Elaine answers it.) Yeah?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, uh...it's George.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey, what happened to you?

               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing...little problem.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, what was it? I mean, I was waiting.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Can I come upstairs, please? (Elaine 
               pushes the button and lets George in.)
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I don't know why you're interested in 
               this guy, he's a jerk.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Because, he doesn't pay any attention 
               to me, and he ignores me.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, so?

               
                             ELAINE
               I respect that. (George enters.) Mmm, 
               what happened?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Nothing, I... said it was a little problem.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah? What was it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Well...I was in the locker room showering, 
               and I...I had to go, so...
 
               
                             JERRY
               Here we go.

               
                             GEORGE
               Anyway, I think the guy in the shower 
               opposite saw me. He gave me a dirty 
               look.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You went...in the shower?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, so what? I'm not the only one! 
               (Kramer enters with his quilt.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Do you go in the shower?

               
                             JERRY
               No, never.

               
                             ELAINE
               Do you?

               
                             KRAMER
               I take baths.

               
                             GEORGE
               Well, what was I supposed to do? Get 
               out of the shower, put on my bathrobe? 
               Go all the way down to the other end? 
               Come all the way back?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ever hear of...holding it in?

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, no...no, that's very bad for the 
               kidneys.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               How do you know?

               
                             GEORGE
               Medical journals!

               
                             JERRY
               Do the medical journals mention anything 
               about standing in a pool of someone 
               else's urine?
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry dropping off Kramer's quilt at the dry-cleaners. Meryl 
               is already there dropping off some stuff of her own.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             MERYL
               Oh, hi...honey.

               
                             JERRY
               What are you doing here?

               
                             MERYL
               I just thought I'd drop off a few things.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Oh. (Smiles at Marty nervously.) Well, 
               I must have been in the incinerator 
               room when you left. Here you go, Marty. 
               (Hands over Kramer's quilt.)
 
               
                             MARTY
               Another quilt? Huh? (Uncle Leo enters.)
 
               
               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Jerry!

               
                             JERRY
               Uncle Leo!

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Hello!

               
                             JERRY
               Hello.

               
                             MARTY
               So, if you or your wife want to drop 
               by on Wednesday, it should be ready.
 
               
               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Your wife?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah...my wife.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               What are you talking about?

               
                             JERRY
               Uh...I got married.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody 
               sends me an invitation?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, it was sudden.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I 
               embarrass you?
 
               
                             JERRY
               No, no, it was a small ceremony.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Haven't I always been a good uncle?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, yes, you have.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               Who told you when you went to school 
               that you print well?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You did, you did.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               When he was younger, he had a beautiful 
               penmanship. I used to encourage him 
               to print.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm a good printer.

               
                             UNCLE LEO
               I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect 
               triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! (Rushes 
               out.) Hello! Wait! (Jerry tries to catch 
               Leo before he runs off to tell him about 
               his "pretend marriage," but doesn't 
               make it.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine talking with Greg while he's on a Stairmaster at the health 
               club.
 
               
                             GREG
               I'm glad you're here. This can get really 
               boring. Do you know where I can get 
               some good olives?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I can find out.

               
                             GREG
               Would ya?

               
                             ELAINE
               Sure. (Thinks - Ooh, a project. That's 
               a definite signal!)
 
               
                             GREG
               By the way, you look really great in 
               that leotard.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, thanks. (Thinks - That's no signal, 
               who wouldn't like me in this leotard? 
               I look amazing in this leotard.)
 
               
                             GREG
               Hey, you know what's weird? I think 
               I had a dream about you last night.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (Thinks - Okay, he open-lips me, he 
               dreams about me, we have an olive project...that's 
               it, I'm asking this guy out.) Um, you 
               know Greg, I...
 
               
                             GREG
               Can I have a sip of your water?

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, yeah, sure. (Hands Greg her bottle.)
 
               
               
                             GREG
               Thanks. (Is about to take a drink, but 
               wipes the neck of the bottle with his 
               shirt first.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               (Thinks - Oh my God.)

               
                             GREG
               I'm sorry, what were you saying?

               
                             ELAINE
               It was nothing, forget it. (George enters 
               the gym.)
 
               
                             GREG
               See that guy right there? I caught him 
               urinating in the shower. I'm thinking 
               about turning him in, too. (On the other 
               side of the room, George falls off an 
               exercise machine and gets his foot caught 
               in it.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment. Meryl is lounging on the 
               couch, watching TV and eating chocolates.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Honey? Could you get me something to 
               drink?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You're right there.

               
                             MERYL
               C'mon, I'm sitting! (Jerry walks to 
               the kitchen, annoyed. Meryl laughs at 
               the TV show she's watching.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Honey, what'd you do with the can opener?
 
               
               
                             MERYL
               I didn't do anything with it.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday.
 
               
               
                             MERYL
               It's in the first drawer.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm looking in the first drawer. It's 
               not here.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Yes, it is.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey...I'm not stupid. I'm looking in 
               that drawer, there's no can opener.
 
               
               
                             MERYL
               Did I say you were stupid?

               
                             JERRY
               Well, wouldn't I have to be? You tell 
               me there's a can opener in the drawer, 
               I'm looking in the drawer, there's no 
               can opener - what other conclusion could 
               one reach? (The phone rings.)
 
               
                             MERYL
               Do you want me to go find it?

               
                             JERRY
               Yes. I do. You show me where there's 
               a can opener in that drawer. (Answers 
               the phone.) Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just 
               fighting with my wife.
 
               
               (Cut to Morty and Helen in Florida, each with phone in hand.)
 
               
               
                             HELEN
               Jerry, we just heard, what's going on?
 
               
               
                             MORTY
               Why the hell didn't you tell us?

               
                             JERRY
               Listen, Ma...

               
                             MERYL
               It was in here yesterday!

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah, that's what I said!

               
                             HELEN
               Who is she? When did this happen?

               
                             MORTY
               I told her you'd get married. She thought 
               you'd never do it.
 
               
                             HELEN
               Morty, you're talking too loud.

               
                             MORTY
               I'm not talking loud!

               
                             HELEN
               You're hurting my eardrum.

               
                             MERYL
               Well, you must have done something with 
               it!
 
               
                             JERRY
               I'm on the phone!

               
                             HELEN
               Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's 
               her name?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Mom, I'm not married.

               
                             HELEN
               What?

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not married!

               
                             MORTY
               I knew it, I told ya!

               
                             HELEN
               Uncle Leo said.

               
                             JERRY
               I'm just pretending I'm married to get 
               a discount on dry-cleaning.
 
               
                             HELEN
               A discount on dry-cleaning?

               
                             JERRY
               Could you make a little more noise? 
               (To his parents) Listen, I'm gonna have 
               to call you later.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Well, I give up.

               
                             JERRY
               Well, whoopie whoop. (Meryl goes into 
               the other room. Kramer staggers in the 
               door in his bathrobe.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Got any coffee?

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah. (Kramer lurches into the kitchen, 
               trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.) 
               I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy, 
               why are you so tired?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, 
               I can't sleep without my quilt. Like 
               the other night? I was cold. So, last 
               night, I turn up the heat - it's too 
               hot. I open up a window - it's too cold. 
               (Frantic) I can't get into a zone!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               What is that? (Points to Kramer's pocket 
               as Meryl comes back.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh, I forgot. (Hands back Jerry's can 
               opener.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Meryl in bed later that night.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener 
               stuff.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Yeah, me too. Love you.

               
                             JERRY
               Love you.

               
                             MERYL
               Well, goodnight.

               
                             JERRY
               Goodnight. (They kiss goodnight, then 
               promptly roll away from each other and 
               go to sleep.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Commercial break.

               
               Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment the next day.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               They could kick me out of the health 
               club if he tells them!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So what do you want me to do?

               
                             GEORGE
               Talk to him!

               
                             ELAINE
               How can I do that?

               
                             GEORGE
               You said the guy gave you an open-lipped 
               kiss!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the 
               top of the bottle when I offered him 
               water!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, that doesn't mean anything!

               
                             ELAINE
               Are you kidding? That's very significant! 
               If he was interested in me, he'd want 
               my germs! He'd just crave my germs!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is 
               big.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well, what about the open-lipped kiss?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Bottle-wipe supercedes it.

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah, you're right, you're right. (To 
               Elaine) Alright, maybe he's not interested, 
               but you still know him - can't you just 
               ask him?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               George...but if I ask him now, I will 
               have no chance of going out with him.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               I...I don't know...

               
                             GEORGE
               Aha. Aha. Could it be because you don't 
               want him to know that you have a friend 
               who pees in the shower, is that it?!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               No, that's not it!

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh, I think it is! I think that's exactly 
               what it is!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Why couldn't you just wait?

               
                             GEORGE
               I was there! I saw a drain!

               
                             ELAINE
               Since when is a drain a toilet?!

               
                             GEORGE
               It's all pipes! What's the difference?!
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Different pipes go to different places! 
               You're gonna mix 'em up!
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll call a plumber right now! (Goes 
               for the phone.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe 
               stuff here?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay! Okay! I will talk to him. (Kramer 
               enters.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well, you gotta pick it up for me!
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Alright, I'll pick it up, but it's the 
               last time I'm doin' it!
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I'm so tired!

               
                             ELAINE
               Boy, you don't look good.

               
                             KRAMER
               Huh? I don't?

               
                             ELAINE
               No, you look pale.

               
                             KRAMER
               Pale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's 
               parents today! (The phone rings.)
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hello? Oh, hi honey. (annoyed, weary) 
               Yes, I told him. I'll get it. (George 
               and Elaine give each other a look, then 
               leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the 
               phone.) Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry...
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry at the dry-cleaners. Kramer paces outside impatiently, 
               waiting for his quilt.
 
               
                             MARTY
               I'm sorry, it's not ready yet. (Kramer 
               bursts in.)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Not ready? It has to be ready! What 
               kind of a business are you running here?
 
               
               
                             MARTY
               Who the hell are you? It's not your 
               quilt.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He's a very good friend of mine, he's 
               kind've like an older brother to me...when 
               things don't go right, he kinda takes 
               it personally.
 
               
                             MARTY
               Well, uh...maybe tomorrow.

               
                             KRAMER
               Maybe.

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, it's okay, it'll be okay.

               
                             KRAMER
               Alright, I'm gonna see you later.

               
                             JERRY
               Where you goin'?

               
                             KRAMER
               I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember? 
               I look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning 
               machines.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't believe you still do that. You 
               know those things are bad for ya.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey, that's how I maintain my glow.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               I'm goin' home. (Kramer exits. An attractive 
               woman enters the dry-cleaners with a 
               bundle of clothes in her hands. Jerry 
               notices her and waits by the door.)
 
               
               
                             PAULA
               Excuse me? Uh, how much would it cost 
               to clean this?
 
               
                             MARTY
               Oh, about thirteen dollars.

               
                             PAULA
               Thirteen? Well, I can't afford that.
 
               
               
                             MARTY
               Well, I'm sorry.

               
               (Paula turns around to leave and runs into Jerry. They smile 
               at each other.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Elaine and Greg at the health club. A sweaty Greg is exercising 
               on a leg machine.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi, Greg.

               
                             GREG
               Hey, Elaine. I'll be off in a second. 
               (Another guy approaches the exercise 
               machine.)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I got the machine next, buddy. (Greg 
               finishes up his workout and gets off 
               the machine.)
 
               
                             GREG
               It's all yours. (Walks away. Elaine 
               looks at the machine, then George runs 
               over.)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What happened? Did he bring it up?
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Never mind that, look at the signal 
               I just got.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Signal? What signal?

               
                             ELAINE
               Lookit. He knew I was gonna use the 
               machine next, he didn't wipe his sweat 
               off. That's a gesture of intimacy.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll tell you what that is - that's 
               a violation of club rules. Now I got 
               him! And you're my witness!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Listen, George! Listen! He knew what 
               he was doing, this was a signal.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's 
               a signal?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah! It's a social thing.

               
                             GEORGE
               What if he left you a used Kleenex, 
               what's that, a valentine? Now you go 
               up to him and you tell him that if he's 
               thinking of turning me in, that I got 
               the goods on him!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               No! I won't be a party to this.

               
                             GEORGE
               So you're gonna let me get suspended 
               for shower urination?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Okay, I'll talk to him. But you're putting 
               me in a very difficult position. (Walks 
               away.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Paula in a booth at the coffee shop. Jerry is trying 
               to get the bundle of clothes from her so he can pay for the dry-cleaning.
 
               
               
                             PAULA
               I won't let you do this!

               
                             JERRY
               I want to!

               
                             PAULA
               But it isn't right! I can't.

               
                             JERRY
               Give me the clothes.

               
                             PAULA
               Jerry, please. What about her?

               
                             JERRY
               Oh, the hell with her. (Paula dramatically 
               flees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks 
               for a second, then follows her and catches 
               up to her on the street.)
 
               
                             PAULA
               No, Jerry, please!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm not gonna let you walk out of my 
               life.
 
               
                             PAULA
               I can't fight you. (They embrace and 
               kiss passionately.)
 
               
                             JERRY
               Do you want box or hanger?

               
                             PAULA
               You decide. (Jerry considers.)

               
               
               
               
               
               Kramer in a tanning booth at the health club. He lies down on 
               the tanning bed and bonks his head. Cut back to Elaine and Greg 
               in the weight room.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You're really working up quite a sweat 
               today, huh?
 
               
                             GREG
               Yeah. (Spies the shapely manager of 
               the health club.) Oh, there's the manager. 
               Good. I think I'm gonna talk to her 
               about that guy, you know, we cannot 
               have people like that in here.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Are you sure you want to do that?

               
                             GREG
               Yeah. He's disgusting! Besides, I'll 
               take any chance I can to talk to her.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               You're interested in...in her? (Points 
               at the manager.)
 
               
                             GREG
               Very.

               
                             ELAINE
               Ah. You know, uh...I'm engaged. (preens) 
               Yep, gettin' married in fifty years. 
               (Snaps the straps of her leotard against 
               her chest and winces. George walks by 
               the manager.)
 
               
                             GREG
               Oh good, there he is. I wanna be able 
               to point him out.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You know, Greg, I wouldn't do that if 
               I were you.
 
               
                             GREG
               Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't 
               it a violation of club policy to not 
               wipe down a machine after using it?
 
               
               
                             GREG
               Oh, I see...you're friends with the 
               urinator, aren't you?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, well, at least he had a drain.
 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               (Cut back to Kramer lying on the health club tanning bed - fast 
               asleep and snoring.)
 
               
               
               
               Meryl picking up her clothes at the dry-cleaners.

               
               
                             MERYL
               Here you go. (Pays Marty, then looks 
               at the clothes on the hanger.) Excuse 
               me, this isn't mine.
 
               
                             MARTY
               Oh, yes it is. Your husband brought 
               it in himself.
 
               
                             MERYL
               Really? (Takes her change and grabs 
               the clothes off the hanger.) Thank you. 
               (Exits.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Anna with her family and friends at her apartment. There's a 
               knock at the door.
 
               
                             ANNA
               That's him! (Opens the door. Kramer 
               stands there, deeply tanned and smiling. 
               Anna and her grandfather are shocked.)
 
               
               
               
               
               
               Jerry and Meryl in Jerry's apartment.

               
                             MERYL
               You son of a bitch!

               
                             JERRY
               I'm sorry.

               
                             MERYL
               Who is she? I want to know who she is.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It doesn't matter. I want a divorce.
 
               
               
                             MERYL
               A divorce? Oh, so you can marry her 
               and give her the discount?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yes, that's right.

               
                             MERYL
               What happened to us, Jerry?

               
                             JERRY
               I'll tell you what happened. We got 
               married.
 
               
                             MERYL
               I'm sorry, this is my fault. I pushed 
               it on you.
 
               
                             JERRY
               No. I guess I just wasn't ready for 
               the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.
 
               
               
                             MERYL
               Goodbye, Jerry. Oh, I forgot...(reaches 
               in her purse)...this is your maple syrup.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               It's alright, I want you to have it.
 
               
               
                             MERYL
               Okay, thanks.

               
                             JERRY
               We'll always have...pancakes.

               
                             MERYL
               Bye, Jerry. (Exits.)

               
               
               
               Cut back to Kramer at Anna's door.

               
                             GRANDPA
               I thought you said you was bringin' 
               a white boy home! I don't see a white 
               boy! I see a damn fool!
 
               
               (Kramer stands there, grinning foolishly.)

               
               
               
                             THE END



The Wife



Writers :   Peter Mehlman
Genres :   Comedy


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