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                           THE WIG MASTER



                             Written by

                           Spike Feresten




 
               
               
               (Comedy club)

               
                             JERRY
               I really like the wig historically. 
               I guess the revolutionary war, the last 
               war fought in wig, and it seems that 
               it must have been hard. You know they're 
               going in to battle, they think.. well 
               do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby 
               pins.. and you got to make sure you 
               have everything... lot more to worry 
               about What if I get killed.? Is my wig 
               on straight? I don't know when the whole 
               wig thing came in to style for men... 
               but I know when it went out.! When the 
               mirror was invented. No guy is looking 
               in the mirror powdering a patch of horsehair 
               on his head going ..All right! lets 
               go rap to the ladies..
 
               
               
               
               (Andover shop)

               
                             JERRY
               I'm looking for a crested blazer

               
                             CRAIG
               A crested blazer..

               
                             JERRY
               I've worn one once and I really think 
               it did something for me.
 
               
                             CRAIG 
               (turning around): Yes .I Think we may 
               have something.
 
               
               (picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest....
 
               
               
               That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world 
               famous
 
               
               Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn.

               
                             JERRY
               (softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers.
 
               
               
                             CRAIG
               It looks fabulous on you... shall I 
               wrap it up?
 
               
                             JERRY
               You know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you 
               what. I'll come back later with someone 
               and see what they think.
 
               
                             CRAIG
               (doubtful) A Hum!

               
                             JERRY
               Really I'll be back.

               
                             CRAIG
               Yeah!

               
               Cuts to Jerry's apartment.

               
               George is pacing back and forth with the phone and Elaine and 
               Jerry are talking.
 
               
               
               
                             JERRY
               So I didn't like the crest all that 
               much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes 
               with me so to get out of the store I 
               told I wanted to see what someone else 
               thought.... And then he makes a face 
               like he doesn't believe me.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah! So he knew that you were making 
               it up!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah..... He caught me. So here's what 
               I want you to do. Come back with me 
               to the store and we'll pretend to look 
               at the coat.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               That's ridiculous. Why do do you want 
               to go back there if you don't want the 
               coat?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Because he thinks I was lying and I 
               want to show him I wasn't.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               But you were!!

               
                             JERRY
               But if you go back with me, then I'm 
               not.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (still on the phone) All right fine.... 
               Whatever
 
               
               Kramer walks in.

               
                             JERRY
               (to George)  Problems with the house 
               guest?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What house guest?

               
                             GEORGE
               This friend of Susan's is staying with 
               us for two weeks...Now am I wrong or 
               is that excessive?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well Bob Sacamano he stayed with me 
               once for a year and a half.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Who is he?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's a wig master

               
                             ELAINE
               What is a wig master?

               
                             GEORGE
               He's with the touring company of Joseph 
               and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. 
               He's the guy in charge of the wigs.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Boy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point 
               it becomes a career choice.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               About some tickets George, you know 
               I'd kill for a peek..
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (leaving) Yeah, Sure, sure ,,, I got 
               to drop my car off at the new lot.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Euh what...What lot is that?

               
                             GEORGE
               Jiffy Park. It's incredible.. Seventy-five 
               dollars a month.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Seventy -five bucks a month!

               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah and you get this really cool T-shirt 
               when you sign on..
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh I'm down.

               
               Cuts to the Andover shop

               
                             JERRY
               (proud of himself) Remember me? I said 
               I 'd come back with someone and I did.
 
               
               
               Surprised?.

               
                             CRAIG
               No I believed you.

               
                             JERRY
               Yeah.... well Elaine.

               
                             ELAINE
               (looking up to the salesman)

               
                             CRAIG
               Oh!... hello I'm Craig.

               
                             ELAINE
               .....Hi.

               
                             CRAIG
               well (picks up the blazer again) here 
               it is.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh!!.....Joseph Aboud .. and look at 
               this hand ticking around the crest.
 
               
               
                             CRAIG
               You know your coats?

               
                             ELAINE
               Well I'm in the biz .. I work for J. 
               Peterman.
 
               
                             CRAIG
               I love J. Peterman.

               
                             ELAINE
               (giggling) Ohhh!!.

               
                             CRAIG
               I especially enjoy the catalogue, those 
               fanciful narratives really take me away..
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Ohhh!! really ..well you know what, 
               I write those.
 
               
                             CRAIG
               No!!!

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeeeahh!!!

               
                             JERRY
               (impatiently cutting in)  Hey Elaine 
               What about the crest.? What d'you think 
               of the crest
 
               
               here.

               
               Elaine Well I love it... 

               
                             JERRY
               You what??

               
                             ELAINE
               I think it's great. I think you should 
               get it.
 
               
                             CRAIG
               Well .... Will it be check or credit 
               card?
 
               
                             JERRY
               (giving up) Check.

               
                             CRAIG
               I'll need you to write down your phone 
               number on the check for me. (turning 
               to Elaine)
 
               
               Perhaps you could do the same.

               
                             ELAINE
               (laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl)
 
               
               
               Cuts to a street where Jerry & Elaine are walking

               
                             JERRY
               You weren't supposed to say that.

               
                             ELAINE
               But I really did like it

               
                             JERRY
               That's not the point. You put me in 
               a position where I had no choice.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               uhn... Sorry!

               
                             JERRY
               And what about that guy asking you out 
               right in front of me?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What is the big deal!!

               
                             JERRY
               ...'s very emasculating, he doesn't 
               know the nature of our relationship. 
               You're
 
               
               there approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How 
               dare he!!
 
               
                             ELAINE
               He dared....

               
               Cuts to George's apartment as he comes in.

               
                             ETHAN
               (sitting in the couch and combing his 
               wigs)Hi George.. How was your day?
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Good....good day (not too convincing) 
               You?
 
               
                             ETHAN
               I am getting so much work done..... 
               See?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Very nice

               
                             SUSAN
               (walks in) Hi sweety How was your day?
 
               
               
                             ETHAN
               I already ask him that. He said Good...Good 
               day....
 
               
               George scratches his head and the scene cuts to Jerry and Kramer's 
               hallway
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (frantically pulling at his doorknob) 
               Thank god you're home. I'm wiped out.
 
               
               
               I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment 
               keys off the ring.
 
               
               So you got my spare?

               
                             JERRY 
               No I gave it back to you

               
                             KRAMER
               y'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum..... 
               Can you take me over there?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh Come on!!

               
                             KRAMER
               Oh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over 
               to twelfth avenue..
 
               
                             JERRY
               : I didn,t tell you to park in that 
               lot .. Now someone's gonna have
 
               
               to drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus!

               
                             KRAMER
               I'm not going to take the bus that's 
               why I got a car!
 
               
                             JERRY
               Forget it.

               
                             KRAMER
               Awright I'm gonna get George to pick 
               me up.
 
               
                             JERRY
               He wont take ya..

               
               Kramer picks up the phone, calls George

               
               Phone rings at Georges and he's sitting between Susan and the 
               wig master.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               (grabs the phone quick) Got it, Got 
               it,...Hello?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Listen, Can you take me over to the 
               Jiffy Park?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah,yeah!! I'll pick you up right now.....All 
               right All right....Hey! gotta go.
 
               
               
               Cuts to Georges car. Kramer changes the stations on the radio
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               So the Wig master.......the Wig master 
               said you could stop by the theater tonight..
 
               
               
               and he'll show you around.

               
                             GEORGE
               WOULD YOU PICK A STATION!!!!!

               
                             KRAMER
               I like 'em all(still fiddles with the 
               radio)
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Aw great. Now the volume knob fell off
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               (seems to pickup something on the floor) 
               ....'s'this?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Gawd!!!

               
                             GEORGE
               What?

               
                             KRAMER
               That's a....ca.....ca..........Condom!!
 
               
               
               They both shriek and the scene cuts to Monks

               
                             ELAINE
               How do you like working there at the 
               .... hum...Andover shop?
 
               
               I mean it'sa pretty swanky upscale clientele.

               
                             CRAIG 
               Hmmm

               
                             ELAINE
               except for Jerry!(laughs)

               
                             CRAIG
               So did you see anything you'd like....
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh!!!

               
                             CRAIG
               Cause I can get you a considerable discount.
 
               
               
               Elaine Really!...Well actually yeah I did see this ......'mazing 
               little black dress...it was sleeveless....
 
               
                             CRAIG
               The Nicole Miller

               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah..Yeah...

               
                             CRAIG
               I'll take care of it.

               
                             ELAINE
               Really....but I barely know you.

               
                             CRAIG
               Well...hum.....we'll just have to do 
               something about that. Won't we.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah! Ah!ah!

               
               Jerry peeks into Monks window then comes in as Craig is leaving.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey! Greg

               
                             CRAIG
               It's Craig

               
                             JERRY
               Ah! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine?
 
               
               
                             CRAIG
               Yes lovely.

               
               Jerry You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my 
               girlfriend?
 
               
                             CRAIG
               Well I could just sense it

               
                             JERRY
               Because you know we used to go out.
 
               
               
                             CRAIG
               Oh ! you did

               
                             JERRY
               Oh Yeah we went way out and wild.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hey Jerr...

               
                             JERRY
               Hi Elaine.

               
               In comes a lady selling roses

               
                             LADY
               Would you like to buy a rose for your 
               wife? ( to Craig)
 
               
               Craig and Elaine both laugh

               
                             JERRY
               How do you know she's not my wife?
 
               
               
               Cuts to the Jiffy Park

               
                             GEORGE
               I want to know how did that get into 
               my car?
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Hey look ..You walk in to this city 
               you got to expect things are gonna
 
               
               
               stick to your foot. You open in your car and Bing!! Condom.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               That doesn't explain the lipstick on 
               the dashboard?
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Here take a few shirts....

               
               A man walks over the attendant and whispers in to his ears.
 
               
               
                             ATTENDANT
               I'm terribly sorry Mr Kramer but we 
               can't get your car now, the keys seems
 
               
               
               to have been misplaced.

               
                             KRAMER
               Wait a minute I need those keys. I wont 
               be able to get into my apartment.
 
               
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Aaye Mr Kramer....You like Cadillacs?
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               ...Yeah I like Cadillacs (cautiously) 
               Why ? What you got on your mind?
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Take that pink Eldorado Cadillac over 
               there , it's a Mary Kay car....
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Mary Kay uh?

               
                             ATTENDANT
               Mary Kay car..

               
                             KRAMER
               (to George) Well listen See you later 
               ..thanks for driving me by..
 
               
               Two prostitutes walk up to a car

               
                             HOOKER
               Hey!! Whats happening?

               
                             GEORGE
               We're gonna hang around here a little 
               while....something funny going on here
 
               
               
               Cuts to Jerry's apartment

               
                             ELAINE
               You were wrong about Craig . He's a 
               very sweet guy.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well, what about the ponytail?

               
                             ELAINE
               what about it?

               
                             JERRY
               : C'mon Ponytail ...Get real.

               
                             ELAINE
               All I know he's promised me a discount 
               on that dress.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Of course he did ..The guy's working 
               ya.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ah! Jerry I've been around long enough 
               to know when I'm being worked.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Have you slept with him yet?

               
                             ELAINE
               I just met him this morning.

               
                             JERRY
               It's been known to happen....... telling 
               you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna 
               dangle
 
               
               that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot 
               in front of a mule.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               . Well this is all very flattering...
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               (interrupts)like a shark fisherman with 
               a bucket of (?) Ch....
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Ok....

               
                             JERRY
               (continues)Like a shrimp farmer....
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               OKAY!!!

               
               Cuts to the Majestic Theater.

               
                             ETHAN
               Well that's the grand tour ... Aw but 
               I save the best for last...
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Oh yeah!!

               
                             ETHAN
               Behold .. The Technicolor Dreamcoat.
 
               
               
               Kramer Oooooh ...Pops .... Wow!! Spectacular.

               
               Cuts to the Jiffy Park

               
                             GEORGE
               S'cuse me ..Do you mind if I ask you 
               a few questions?
 
               
                             HOOKER
               Are you a cop??

               
                             GEORGE
               Oh No nonono I'm not a cop ...Heum... 
               I work for the Yankees.
 
               
                             HOOKER
               Urghh They stink.

               
                             GEORGE
               Nevertheless.. I was wondering if you 
               and your .friends are doing business
 
               
               
               here at the Jiffy Park.... You know ..hum What do you people 
               call it? Turning tricks?
 
               
               Anyway I...I....found a condom in my car....and I'm not saying 
               it's yours but.... I
 
               
               want to know if I should just change parking lots.

               
                             HOOKER
               Get lost mister, I'm trying to make 
               a living here.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               I'll pay you for your time....I just 
               ..I just need some information . How 
               much do you want?
 
               
               ten....fifteen? You have change for twenty?

               
                             HOOKER
               Fifteen?

               
                             SUSAN
               (walks in) George?

               
                             GEORGE
               Hi honey..

               
               Hooker picks up the money as George looks embarrassed.

               
               Scene cuts to George's apartment.

               
                             SUSAN
               ..So you're telling me the truth?

               
                             GEORGE
               Of Course I'm telling the truth.

               
                             SUSAN
               Because I have to be able to trust you... 
               If I can't trust you then there's no 
               way that
 
               
               this can work.

               
                             GEORGE
               Really!

               
                             SUSAN
               Yeah.

               
                             GEORGE 
               Well then...then you really have something 
               to think about because.....you know 
               if there's
 
               
               any doubt in your mind ....and.. and,, it doesn't even have to 
               be a big doubt, you know
 
               
               even a tiny doubt, a DOT of a doubt.. and.....

               
                             SUSAN
               There's no doubt.

               
                             GEORGE
               Because if there's any doubt at all 
               I...I feel we should cultivate it.
 
               
               
                             SUSAN
               Cultivate it?

               
                             GEORGE
               Yes, you know. Deal with it .We have 
               to deal with the doubt, Susan The DOUBT!! 
               Must be
 
               
               dealt with.

               
                             SUSAN
               I have no doubt George. Do you?

               
                             GEORGE
               (hesitates) ...Nooooooooooo...

               
               Cuts to Elaine and Craig waljing on the street.

               
                             ELAINE
               You know... I can't wait to get that 
               dress..
 
               
                             CRAIG
               Yeah... It should arrive eminently.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Arrive?

               
                             CRAIG.
               Yes! From Milan.

               
                             ELAINE
               But you said it was in the store!.
 
               
               
                             CRAIG
               No no no We sold out we had to order 
               some more.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               But I thought .. Nicole Miller was made.......
 
               
               
                             CRAIG
               (Interrupts) Eeen!!!

               
                             IAN
               Hey Craig.

               
                             CRAIG
               Elaine this is Een.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hi E-an

               
                             IAN
               Een..

               
                             ELAINE
               E-an

               
                             CRAIG
               Een... He's a friend a mine from England
 
               
               
                             IAN
               (word missing) What are doing?

               
                             CRAIG
               I'm working at the Andover shop actually....You 
               should come by. I'll get you a
 
               
               great discount.

               
                             IAN
               Maybe I will. Nice meeting you.

               
                             ELAINE
               Oh..Nice to meet you.

               
                             CRAIG
               Bye

               
                             IAN
               ..Cheery-o

               
                             ELAINE
               Bye Eeeen.

               
                             ELAINE
               So you're giving him a discount too?
 
               
               
                             CRAIG
               Hummm Why so surprised?

               
                             ELAINE
               Hem!! No reason.

               
               Cuts to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Kramer are watching tv.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               You know that clothing salesman had 
               a lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right 
               in front of me.
 
               
               He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the 
               crest that nobody seems
 
               
               to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket 
               back.. I'm putting this guy
 
               
               ....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION....

               
                             KRAMER
               Heeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Turn in?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah,I had a tough day

               
                             JERRY
               It's only nine o clock.

               
                             KRAMER
               Well ..I don't argue with the body Jerry. 
               It's an argument you can't win.
 
               
                             JERRY
               I can't go to sleep at nine o clock!
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well you can go to your room and read.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey look ,you know, you're the one who's 
               locked out. I'm letting you stay here.
 
               
               
               You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.

               
                             KRAMER
               But I'm tired..

               
                             JERRY
               Oh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Aah! He's got a girl up there. This 
               quilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna 
               get cold.
 
               
               I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna 
               sleep....
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well that's all I got.

               
                             KRAMER
               Can I sleep with you?

               
                             JERRY
               Huh?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well you got that big comfortable bed 
               and that nice warm quilt.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Kramer , there's no way you're sleeping 
               with me.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Why?

               
                             JERRY
               Why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah!

               
                             JERRY
               Do I really have to explain why?

               
                             KRAMER
               Well I......( Elaine pops in at that 
               moment)
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Hi!.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hi...........What's that?

               
                             ELAINE
               Squire's walking stick. I had to write 
               about it for the catalogue.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Wow.

               
                             ELAINE
               You want it?

               
                             KRAMER
               Yeaaahmm....

               
                             ELAINE
               You can have ,I don't need it anymore.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Ooh Mama...( walks away)

               
                             ELAINE
               Ok so ..I am positive you are wrong 
               about Craig.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Yeah Why?

               
                             ELAINE
               Because he told a man he'd give him 
               a discount too... a man Jerry.
 
               
                             JERRY
               So ,Who is he?

               
                             ELAINE
               Some friend of his from England.

               
                             JERRY
               Don't you see?...........It's all a 
               big scam.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               You're nuts!

               
                             KRAMER
               How do you know he's not wondering the 
               same thing about you?
 
               
                             ELAINE 
               What d'you mean?

               
                             KRAMER
               What do I mean?.. Well perhaps he thinks 
               that you're working him for the
 
               
               discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings.... 
               And then when
 
               
               you get it,you know, you drop him like a hot potato.

               
                             ELAINE
               Aawwh Please.....

               
                             KRAMER
               Now see the two of you need to work 
               on trust... and then and only then will 
               there be a free
 
               
               exchange of sex and discounts.. Cornerstones of a healthy relationship....and 
               now if you
 
               
               would (taps twice on the door) excuse us. We need to get to bed.
 
               
               
               Scene cuts to Jerry's bed. Lights are out. Kramer opens the light 
               and starts to read.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (softly)hmmm....patio furniture's on 
               sale.
 
               
               Cuts to the Jiffy Park the next morning.

               
                             GEORGE
               Excuse me...huh... I think I made a 
               big mistake. I'd like my deposit back 
               please.
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Whats the problem

               
                             GEORGE
               You got hookers turning tricks in my 
               car. How's that for starters.
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Haaan! That is all hearsay.

               
                             GEORGE
               Allright, very good I'd like my car 
               and my deposit back please
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Can't do it'

               
                             GEORGE
               Whadday'mean.?

               
                             ATTENDANT
               If you read the agreement you signed 
               the deposit is not refundable.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Well does it say anywhere in the contract 
               about my car being used as a whorehouse?
 
               
               
               'Cause I don't remember reading that clause either..

               
                             ATTENDANT
               What can I tell you buddy. Take it up 
               with Consumer Affairs.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               . All right , just give me my car and 
               let me get the hell out of here.
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               Well that's going to be a problem

               
                             GEORGE
               Why?

               
                             ATTENDANT
               It's all the way in the back. Can't 
               get it out for a couple of days.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               What are you talking about.. I WANT 
               MY CAR!!
 
               
                             ATTENDANT
               We ask that you please bear with us.
 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Bear with you! This is a parking lot 
               PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET
 
               
               
               THEIR CARS!!!

               
                             ATTENDANT
               Ideally..

               
               Scene cuts to the Andover shop.

               
                             JERRY
               Excuse me I'd like to return this jacket.
 
               
               
                             TELLER
               Certainly. May I ask why?

               
                             JERRY
               ........For spite...

               
                             TELLER
               Spite?

               
                             JERRY
               That's right. I don't care for the salesman 
               that sold it to me.
 
               
                             TELLER
               I don't think you can return an item 
               for spite.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What do you mean?

               
                             TELLER
               Well if there was some problem with 
               the garment. If it were unsatisfactory 
               in some way,then
 
               
               we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into 
               any of our conditions for a refund
 
               
                             JERRY
               That's ridiculous, I want to return 
               it. What's the difference what the reason 
               is.
 
               
                             TELLER
               Let me speak with the manager...excuse 
               me .............Bob!
 
               
               (walks over to the manager and whispers)

               
               Teller ........spite.....(Manager walks over)

               
                             BOB
               What seems to be the problem?

               
                             JERRY 
               Well I want to return this jacket and 
               she asked me why and I said for spite 
               and now she
 
               
               won't take it back.

               
                             BOB
               That's true. You can't return an item 
               based purely on spite.
 
               
                             JERRY
               . Well So fine then ..then I don't want 
               it and then that's why I'm returning 
               it
 
               
                             BOB
               Well you already said spite so......
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               But I changed my mind..

               
                             BOB
               No...you said spite...Too late.

               
               Cuts to a terrace where Kramer is sitting with Ethan and a woman.
 
               
               
               They make fun of a woman walking by.

               
                             KRAMER
               It's Halloween (not sure)

               
                             CHARMAINE
               Get a calendar honey! It's the 90's
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! Elaine..

               
                             JERRY
               OH! Hey!!

               
                             KRAMER
               These are my friends Jerry and Elaine.
 
               
               
                             JERRY & E
               Hi! How 'r u doing?

               
                             CHARMAINE
               Hi I'm Charmaine

               
                             ETHAN
               I'm Ethan

               
                             KRAMER
               Yes, she's the costume designer and 
               he's the wig master for the show.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Hey You're staying with my friend George.
 
               
               
                             ETHAN
               Right George! I get the feeling he doesn't 
               want me there.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Well he doesn't even want himself there.
 
               
               
               (They all laugh)

               
                             CHARMAINE
               Why don't you sit down and join us?
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               All right. (sits down)

               
                             ELAINE 
               I can't I 've got to meet a friend.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Well what are we ...dog meat.

               
               Ethan (to waiter) ....Champagne Coolies , please.

               
                             ETHAN
               (to Elaine) You've got really beautiful 
               hair.
 
               
               Elaine Oh Thanks, thank you very much.

               
                             ETHAN
               Have you ever thought about selling 
               it .It would make a brilliant wig..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               They make wigs out of human hairs?
 
               
               
               Ethan ..And pay plenty for them.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well you guys are gonna have fun here 
               so..bye take care
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Yeah. See ou later..

               
                             ALL
               Bye, now...

               
                             CHARMAINE
               Oh! I just remembered I 've got to get 
               the Dreamcoat from the dry cleaners
 
               
               
                             
               Kramer Hey! You gonna let me try the 
               other one right?'
 
               
                             CHARMAINE
               Yeah. But you gonna have to be really 
               careful with it , it's my only backup.
 
               
               
                             KRAMER
               Hey! Who do you think you're talking 
               to.
 
               
                             CHARMAINE
               Ok. Buh- bye!

               
                             KRAMER
               Bye!!

               
                             JERRY
               Bye!

               
               (they both leave. Jerry and Ethan are alone)

               
                             ETHAN
               There's your Champagne Coolie. Well 
               looks like it's just you and me cowboy!.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               ...Guess so.

               
               Scene cuts to Elaine's appt.

               
                             ELAINE
               Well, Here we are.

               
                             CRAIG
               I....am..beat.(sits on the couch)

               
                             ELAINE 
               (sighs)

               
                             CRAIG
               Ohh! that's nice.

               
                             ELAINE
               So.ehmmmm. so, do you have any ideas 
               when the Nicole Millers are coming in?
 
               
               
                             CRAIG
               Oh! yeah. The Nicole Millers ...hemm.. 
               Well the funniest thing.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Huh!

               
                             CRAIG
               I've learned that the new shipment's 
               coming in by boat...
 
               
               which does tend to take a little longer with, you know ,what 
               with the waves and all
 
               
               .. So you'll just have to be a little bit patient .

               
                             ELAINE
               Hummm.... so you've no idea when.. they'll 
               arrive.
 
               
                             CRAIG
               (yawns) ...Nno....I really don't......
 
               
               
               Back to the terrace with Jerry and Ethan

               
                             ETHAN
               How can she go with a guy like that 
               , he's a mess... I just don't see them 
               together at all
 
               
               A man approaches.

               
                             JESSIE
               Ethan?

               
                             ETHAN
               Yes..

               
                             JESSIE
               . Hi it's me Jessie....George Hamilton's 
               personal assistant.
 
               
                             ETHAN
               . Right, Right.

               
               Both greet each other

               
                             ETHAN
               How you doin'?

               
                             JESSIE
               nice to see you..

               
                             ETHAN
               This is Jerry.

               
                             JERRY
               Hello..

               
                             JESSIE
               . yeah , hummm ( turns back to Ethan) 
               Ethan ,what brings you in to town.
 
               
               
                             ETHAN
               I'm touring with Joseph and the Amazing 
               Technicolor Dreamcoat
 
               
                             JESSIE
               You're kidding... Listen maybe you and 
               I should...ehmmm get together . Have 
               you
 
               
               been on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense.

               
                             JERRY
               (Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me... 
               Are you asking him out ?
 
               
                             JESSIE
               Yeah...I guess you could say that..
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Right in front of me!. How do you know 
               we're not together. Two guys ,sittin' 
               laughin'
 
               
               drinking Champagne Coolies.

               
                             JESSIE
               I dunno I just didn't think you were.
 
               
               
                             JERRY
               Well we're sitting here together. Why 
               wouldn't you think that.
 
               
                             JESSIE
               I dont know. I just didn't.

               
                             JERRY
               Well it's very emasculating..

               
               Jessie looks befuddled and leaves.

               
               Back to Elaine's phone rings.

               
                             ELAINE
               Hello.

               
                             BOB
               . Hi this is Bob from the Andover Shop. 
               I'm trying to reach Craig Stewart. He 
               left this
 
               
               number.

               
                             ELAINE
               Uhmmm huh! Is it important.?

               
                             BOB
               Well.....

               
                             ELAINE
               Let me ask you something. ahemm..Do 
               you know when the Nicole Millers are 
               coming in from
 
               
               Milan?.

               
                             BOB
               Nicole Millers, We're not expecting 
               any Nicole Millers, in fact we have 
               too many as it is.
 
               
               Elaine Well do you have any in a... size four.?

               
                             BOB
               Yes several.. Just tell him he doesn't 
               have to be in tomorrow before Eleven.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               (sarcastically) Oh! yeah I'll make sure 
               he gets the message.
 
               
               Elaine then looks at the sleeping Craig and thinks They make 
               wigs out of human hair....And pay
 
               
               plenty for them.

               
               she then picks up a pair of scissors..

               
               Scene cuts to a woman in a white coat and hat leaving a store. 
               Her hat gets caught in a gust of wind.
 
               
               and starts rolling down the street. Kramer picks up the hat with 
               the walking stick and puts it on.
 
               
               He struts down the street with the Dreamcoat/hat/stick looking 
               very much like a stereotype pimp.
 
               
               He goes to the Jiffy Park to pick up the Cadillac

               
                             KRAMER
               (looks inside the car and gasps) Ohhh 
               Sweet Maria. Hey! lets go.
 
               
               Out comes the hooker with a client.

               
                             KRAMER
               Hey What are you doing in my car? Hey!Hey!Hey! 
               Where you going.
 
               
                             HOOKER
               Hey. You just cost me some money Mr.(starts 
               hitting Kramer)
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Cool it lady ( they struggle and we 
               here a siren)
 
               
                             POLICE
               Policer officer. Freeze right there.
 
               
               
               As the credits roll we hear an officer telling Kramer who is 
               to get his picture taken.
 
               
                             POLICE
               OK Big Daddy. Take the hat off...... 
               awright turn to your right...(Kramer 
               hesitates) I SAID TURN PIMP.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               (cries) I'M NOT A PIMP!!!

               
               
                            THE END



The Wig Master



Writers :   Spike Feresten
Genres :   Comedy


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