THE WIZARD
Written by
Steve Lookner
GEORGE
Keep it real!
GEORGE
Let's get nuts!
China is an instant page-turner?
JERRY
It's a Wizard electronic organizer
for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida
for his birthday.
GEORGE
How much was it?
JERRY
Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's
fifty. He doesn't care about the
gift. He gets excited about the deal.
GEORGE
Where are you gettin' a Wizard for
fifty dollars?
JERRY
Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street,
and maybe it's hot. That's
his favorite.
GEORGE
I got a message from the Rosses at
work today.
JERRY
Susan's parents? When's the last time
you talked to them?
GEORGE
At the funeral, give or take. You know,
deep down, I always kinda
felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.
JERRY
Why, because you picked out the poision
envelopes? That's silly.
people I know. Jerry, George.
DARRYL
Nice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run,
Elaine. I'll see you later.
ELAINE
OK.
JERRY
Still no Puddy?
ELAINE
Uh, I think his answering machine's
broken, so I just gave up. Well,
what do you think?
JERRY
What? About you datin' a black guy?
What's the big deal?
ELAINE
What black guy?
JERRY
Darryl. He's black, isn't he?
ELAINE
He is?
GEORGE
No, he isn't.
JERRY
Isn't he, Elaine?
ELAINE
You think?
GEORGE
I thought he looked Irish.
JERRY
What's his last name?
ELAINE
Nelson.
GEORGE
That's not Irish.
JERRY
I think he's black.
GEORGE
Should we be talkin' about this?
ELAINE
I think it's OK.
GEORGE
No, it isn't.
JERRY
Why not?
GEORGE
Well, it would be OK if Darryl was
here.
JERRY
If he's black.
ELAINE
Is he black?
JERRY
Does it matter?
ELAINE
No, course not. I mean, I'd just like
to know.
JERRY
Oh, so you need to know?
ELAINE
No, I don't need to know. I just think
it would be nice if I knew.
WAITRESS
Should I take that?
(when they see the waitress, who is black, all three hurriedly
get out lots
of money for her tip)
George.
MRS. ROSS
Uh, who?
GEORGE
George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend?
Long time no speak.
woman to buy more.
MRS. ROSS
Uh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation
is having an event this
weekend.
GEORGE
Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out
in the Hamptons, and I have got
to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.
MRS. ROSS
Thank you for calling, George.
GEORGE
Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were
almost my, uh... OK, I gotta
go.
JERRY
House in the Hamptons?
GEORGE
Well, you know, I've been lyin' about
my income for a few years. I
figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
JERRY
Hey.
KRAMER
Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's
time to celebrate.
JERRY
Wow. What are we celebrating?
KRAMER
Uh, you remember my coffee table book?
JERRY
With the little legs?
KRAMER
That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so
optioned it for a movie.
GEORGE
How are they gonna make that book into
a movie?
KRAMER
You remember that photo book on toy
ray guns?
GEORGE
Yeah?
KRAMER
Independence Day?
GEORGE
Oh.
JERRY
How much are they payin' you?
KRAMER
Let's just say that I don't have to
worry about working for a while.
A long while.
JERRY
That's funny because I haven't seen
you working for a while. A long
while.
KRAMER
Yeah, and you're not going to, because
I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm
retiring.
JERRY
From what?
KRAMER
From the grind. I mean, who needs it?
I mean, I've accomplished
everything I've set out to do.
KRAMER
Oh, I bought myself a little retirement
gift. Gold watch.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Ooh!
KRAMER
Well, it's not really gold.
JERRY AND GEORGE
Aww.
(approaching Darryl's apartment, Elaine hears loud rap music
being played,
and smiles knowingly)
DARRYL
Hey.
ELAINE
Great music.
DARRYL
Oh, it's my neighbor. They blast that
stuff twenty four hours a day.
I hate it.
DARRYL
Yo, you! Turn it down!
ELAINE
Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have
any cultural significance?
DARRYL
They're... African.
ELAINE
Right. African.
DARRYL
Well, not Africa, actually. South Africa.
ELAINE
South Africa.
DARRYL
My family used to live there, but,
uh, we got out years ago, for
obvious reasons. You know how it is.
ELAINE
Maybe.
else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do
this.
(the Rosses come out of a nearby building onto the street, observe
George not
being in the Hamptons, and move on)
GEORGE
I'll tell ya, if I had one of these
things, I'd be eatin' hot dogs
all the time.
VENDER
Are you gonna buy a hot dog or not?
GEORGE
Mmm... no.
Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha!
JERRY
It's 5:30 in the morning!
HELEN
We let you sleep in.
birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday.
MORTY
Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents.
JERRY
What does that mean?
HELEN
Leave your father alone. It's his birthday.
MORTY
Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector.
JERRY
Radar detector? I've never seen you
go over twenty miles an hour.
You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's
a Wizard
organizer.
MORTY
This looks like too much money.
JERRY
Nah, I got it from a guy on the street.
It was, like, fifty bucks.
MORTY
You think it's hot?
JERRY
Could be.
MORTY
Attaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot
Wizard computer!
HELEN
I'm right here.
JERRY
And you can do everything with it.
You can get e-mail, fax, there's a
calculator.
MORTY
So, I can use it in the restaurant
to figure out the tip?
JERRY
Yeah, I guess. But the really cool
thing is the daily planner.
MORTY
Helen, we got into restaurants and
figure out the tips.
HELEN
Jerry, you're getting your father too
excited.
Hey, buddy. When'd you get here?
JERRY
Kramer, what are you doing here?
KRAMER
I told you I was retiring. I moved
in next door.
HELEN
Mr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful
apartment.
KRAMER
Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for
rent, so I jumped on it.
JERRY
Kramer, you can't live down here. This
is where people come to die.
HELEN
Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll
fix you something. How 'bout a
feta cheese omelette?
KRAMER
Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.
JERRY
If you feed him, he'll never leave.
HELEN
We don't have any feta. How about cottage
cheese and Egg Beaters?
KRAMER, IMMATURELY
I guess.
JERRY
I can't believe this.
KRAMER
I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed?
Darryl situation?
GEORGE
Actually, I did have a thought.
ELAINE
Oh.
GEORGE
Why don't you just ask him?
like I really want to know.
GEORGE
Maybe he's, um... mixed.
ELAINE
Is that the right word?
GEORGE
I really don't think we're supposed
to be talkin' about this.
ELAINE
Yeah.
GEORGE, STANDING UP
I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
GEORGE
Yeah.
ELAINE
I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets
back.
MRS. ROSS
Oh, you're George's friend.
MR. ROSS
We saw him in the city this weekend.
Uh, what happened to his
place in the Hamptons?
don't think so. Have a good one.
GEORGE
Rosses.
MR. ROSS
George, we were just talking about
you.
GEORGE
Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity
thing. But this was one of
those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.
MRS. ROSS
Really?
GEORGE
Yeah, I may move out there.
it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real!
Wizard tip calculator.
JERRY
Dad, it's got lots of other functions.
MORTY
Don't worry. I'll get to the other
functions.
(Jerry easily opens it)
HELEN
Yay! Jerry got it open.
MORTY
The service was slow. And God forbid
they should refill the water.
point six six six six cents.
MORTY
We'll round down.
HELEN
Jerry, it was so nice of you to come
down here on your father's
birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections.
JERRY
Oh, right. You can't run for condo
president because you were
impeached at the other condo.
MORTY
I was never impeached! I resigned!
HELEN
Even so, the press would bury him!
JERRY
What press?
HELEN
The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze.
MORTY
Pinko Commie rag.
just got a date with that young aquacise instructor.
JERRY
She's fifty.
OLD MAN
You know what he's got? He's got charisma.
That's my man.
KRAMER
All right, I'll see you guys.
OLD MAN
Yeah.
KRAMER
Yeah.
(Kramer, scanning the scene, is surprised to see Morty, right
next to him,
staring at his face)
MORTY
I'll tell you what I'm looking at:
the next condo president of Del
Boca Vista, Phase Three.
KRAMER
Hmm.
(Elaine laughts somewhat awkwardly)
DARRYL
Wow, it's got so many functions.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that.
First thing is first. Warranty
information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...
DARRYL
Well, I don't do that stuff.
ELAINE
It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter,
it doesn't matter. Um. Oh,
HERE'S ONE
race.
DARRYL
Isn't that optional?
ELAINE
It certainly should be. It's nobody's
damn business! But they really
would like to know.
DARRYL
All right, I'm... Asian.
ELAINE
What?
DARRYL
Just to mess with 'em.
ELAINE
laughing awkwardly: Oh. Right. Good
one.
DARRYL
Average income, uh... over a hundred
thousand.
ELAINE
Really?
DARRYL
Does that matter?
ELAINE
No, but... it is very nice to know.
out Darryl's... you know.
bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either
way.
ELAINE
Hey, so Kramer's running for president
of the condo?
JERRY
Yeah, it's all my father's doing.
(Kramer, apparently looking for something to do, mumbles to Jerry
to hand him
a magazine from the table)
JERRY
He wants to install Kramer in a puppet
regime and then wield power
from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
ELAINE
Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running
against?
JERRY
Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
ELAINE, TO GEORGE
He's still down with his folks.
GEORGE, TO ELAINE
What are you doin' here?
ELAINE, TO GEORGE
I'm gettin' his mail.
GEORGE, TO ELAINE
He asked you to get the mail?
ELAINE, TO GEORGE
Mm-hmm.
mail?
JERRY
George, listen to me. I have a very
important job for you. I want you
to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't
dry out and
leak.
GEORGE
What about the mail?
JERRY
This is far more important. You must
exercise the gaskets, George.
GEORGE, HANGING UP
All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya.
ELAINE
Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where
did they get the idea that you
have a place in the Hamptons?
GEORGE
From me.
ELAINE
What did you say?
GEORGE
I told them I have a place in the Hamptons.
What did you say?
ELAINE
I told them you didn't. And I laughed
and I laughed.
GEORGE
So, they knew? Those liars!
ELAINE
But you lied first.
GEORGE
Yeah, but they let me go on and on
all about the Hamptons, they
never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know
you're lying.
You call them a liar!
ELAINE
Like you're a liar!
GEORGE
Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard?
ELAINE
So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin',
not over.
GEORGE
Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling
up the Rosses and inviting
them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll
see who blinks
first.
ELAINE
Haven't you done enough to these people?
GEORGE
This is not about them. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I have to exercise
Jerry's gaskets.
(Elaine gets a sarcastic, 'oh, boy' expression)
KRAMER, TO A ROOM
Vote for Kramer.
I'd like your vote. Thanks.
Kramer.
OLD WOMAN
Will you cut my meat?
KRAMER
Gladly.
DARRYL
Sure.
WAITRESS, TO DARRYL
Are you black? Or should I bring some
cream.
DARRYL
I'm black.
DARRYL, RE-THINKING
Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream.
ELAINE
What?
DARRYL
God, there are still people who have
trouble with an interracial
couple.
ELAINE
Interracial? Us?
DARRYL
Isn't that unbelievable!?
ELAINE
Yes, it's awful! They're upset because
we're an interracial couple.
That is racism!
DARRYL
I don't feel like eating.
ELAINE
Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey
club.
GEORGE
So... here I am. Ready to take you
to the Hamptons.
MRS. ROSS
Sounds grand.
GEORGE
Do you have your bathing suits?
MR. ROSS
It's March.
GEORGE
Speak now, or we are headed to the
Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive.
Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the
Hamptons. All
right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!
Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you
need to take
a vitamin.
Dad, you look so different.
KRAMER
Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To
rule the people, one... must
walk among them.
election!
KRAMER
Right. Yeah. The polls close after
dinner, three o'clock. But then
when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of
eight p.m.
JERRY
You know, you can put that whole schedule
right in your daily
planner.
MORTY
Daily what?
clubhouse.
MORTY
Barefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you
realize this is against the
rules.
KRAMER
Well, I couldn't find my shoes.
JERRY
Kramer, these people work and wait
their whole lives to move down
here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these
rules.
HELEN
Who wants hot chocolate?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah! Me.
MORTY
This is a huge scandal! We need damage
control.
KRAMER
All right, look. People seem to like
those tip calculators, huh?
JERRY
Wizards!
KRAMER
Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one
out to every member on the
condo board.
JERRY
Kramer...
MORTY
There are twenty people on the board.
Thank God you can get that
deal.
KRAMER
Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics.
All right, what do we next,
Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds?
JERRY
Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards.
KRAMER
Well, what about your deal, huh?
JERRY
I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred
dollars a pop. What do I
do?
KRAMER
Well, don't worry about it. I know
a guy.
JERRY
Down here?
KRAMER
Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father.
bedroom.
MRS. ROSS
Tell us more.
GEORGE
You want to hear more? The master bedroom
opens into the solarium.
MR. ROSS
Another solarium?
GEORGE
Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And
I have horses, too?
MR. ROSS
What are their names?
GEORGE
Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep
driving?
MRS. ROSS
Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over.
We'll buy you a
housewarming gift.
it up a notch!
WAITRESS
Yeah, I just worked a triple shift.
ELAINE
I hear ya, Sister.
WAITRESS
Sister?
Here he is. See?
DARRYL
Hi, Elaine.
ELAINE
Hey.
WAITRESS
He's black?
ELAINE
Yeah.
DARRYL
I'm black?
ELAINE
Aren't you?
WAITRESS, LEAVING
I'll give you a couple minutes to decide.
DARRYL
What are you talking about?
ELAINE
You're black. You said we were an interracial
couple.
DARRYL
We are. Because you're Hispanic.
ELAINE
I am?
DARRYL
Aren't you?
ELAINE
No. Why would you think that?
DARRYL
Your name's Benes, your hair, and you
kept taking me to those
Spanish restaurants.
ELAINE
That's because I thought you were black.
DARRYL
Why would you take me to a Spanish
restaurant because I'm black?
ELAINE
I don't think we should be talking
about this.
DARRYL
So, what are you?
ELAINE
I'm white.
DARRYL
So, we're just a couple of white people?
ELAINE
I guess.
DARRYL
Oh.
ELAINE
Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?
all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think
we've got
this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman
Burgerman,
he won't be leavin' any tips where he is.
JERRY
Aw.
MORTY
Congratulations, Mr. President.
KRAMER
Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master.
OLD MAN
Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these
tip calculators?
MORTY
What are you talking about?
OLD MAN
It's overtipping. I just left five
bucks for a BLT.
MORTY
This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard.
JERRY
A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!
OLD MAN #2
Mine doesn't have a seven!
OLD MAN #3
I'm ruined!
MORTY
Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards?
JERRY
Because a real Wizard's two hundred
dollars.
MORTY
You didn't have a deal?
JERRY
No deal. Not hot.
OLD MAN
Morty, you, and Kramer, you're finished.
KRAMER
What?
OLD MAN
Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair.
for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York.
JERRY
Dad, I'm sorry.
MORTY
You should be! How could you spend
two hundred dollars on a tip
calculator?!
JERRY
It does other things!
GEORGE
Almost there.
MR. ROSS
Well, this is the end of Long Island.
Where's your house?
GEORGE
We, uh, we go on foot from here.
MR. ROSS
All right.
GEORGE
There's no house! It's a lie! There's
no solarium. There's no
Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.
MR. ROSS
We know.
GEORGE
Then, why? Why did you make me drive
all the way out here? Why
didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?
MRS. ROSS
We don't like you, George.
MR. ROSS
And we always blamed you for what happened
to Susan.
GEORGE
Oh.
MR. ROSS
All right! Let's head back.
THE END
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