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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                           THE WIZARD



                           Written by

                         Steve Lookner




 
               
               
                             GEORGE
               Keep it real!

                             GEORGE
               Let's get nuts!

               China is an instant page-turner?

                             JERRY
               It's a Wizard electronic organizer 
               for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida
 
               for his birthday.

                             GEORGE
               How much was it?

                             JERRY
               Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's 
               fifty. He doesn't care about the
 
               gift. He gets excited about the deal.

                             GEORGE
               Where are you gettin' a Wizard for 
               fifty dollars?
 
                             JERRY
               Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, 
               and maybe it's hot. That's
 
               his favorite.

                             GEORGE
               I got a message from the Rosses at 
               work today.
 
                             JERRY
               Susan's parents? When's the last time 
               you talked to them?
 
                             GEORGE
               At the funeral, give or take. You know, 
               deep down, I always kinda
 
               felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.

                             JERRY
               Why, because you picked out the poision 
               envelopes? That's silly.
 
               people I know. Jerry, George.

                             DARRYL
               Nice meeting you. Ah, I gotta run, 
               Elaine. I'll see you later.
 
                             ELAINE
               OK.

                             JERRY
               Still no Puddy?

                             ELAINE
               Uh, I think his answering machine's 
               broken, so I just gave up. Well,
 
               what do you think?

                             JERRY
               What? About you datin' a black guy? 
               What's the big deal?
 
                             ELAINE
               What black guy?

                             JERRY
               Darryl. He's black, isn't he?

                             ELAINE
               He is?

                             GEORGE
               No, he isn't.

                             JERRY
               Isn't he, Elaine?

                             ELAINE
               You think?

                             GEORGE
               I thought he looked Irish.

                             JERRY
               What's his last name?

                             ELAINE
               Nelson.

                             GEORGE
               That's not Irish.

                             JERRY
               I think he's black.

                             GEORGE
               Should we be talkin' about this?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I think it's OK.

                             GEORGE
               No, it isn't.

                             JERRY
               Why not?

                             GEORGE
               Well, it would be OK if Darryl was 
               here.
 
                             JERRY
               If he's black.

                             ELAINE
               Is he black?

                             JERRY
               Does it matter?

                             ELAINE
               No, course not. I mean, I'd just like 
               to know.
 
                             JERRY
               Oh, so you need to know?

                             ELAINE
               No, I don't need to know. I just think 
               it would be nice if I knew.
 
                             WAITRESS
               Should I take that?

               (when they see the waitress, who is black, all three hurriedly 
               get out lots
 
               of money for her tip)

               
               George.

                             MRS. ROSS
               Uh, who?

                             GEORGE
               George Costanza. Susan's, uh, friend? 
               Long time no speak.
 
               woman to buy more.

                             MRS. ROSS
               Uh, George, the Susan Ross Foundation 
               is having an event this
 
               weekend.

                             GEORGE
               Oh, I just, uh, leased a house out 
               in the Hamptons, and I have got
 
               to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.

                             MRS. ROSS
               Thank you for calling, George.

                             GEORGE
               Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were 
               almost my, uh... OK, I gotta
 
               go.

                             JERRY
               House in the Hamptons?

                             GEORGE
               Well, you know, I've been lyin' about 
               my income for a few years. I
 
               figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

               
                             JERRY
               Hey.

                             KRAMER
               Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's 
               time to celebrate.
 
                             JERRY
               Wow. What are we celebrating?

                             KRAMER
               Uh, you remember my coffee table book?
 
               
                             JERRY
               With the little legs?

                             KRAMER
               That's the one. A big Hollywood so-and-so 
               optioned it for a movie.
 
                             GEORGE
               How are they gonna make that book into 
               a movie?
 
                             KRAMER
               You remember that photo book on toy 
               ray guns?
 
                             GEORGE
               Yeah?

                             KRAMER
               Independence Day?

                             GEORGE
               Oh.

                             JERRY
               How much are they payin' you?

                             KRAMER
               Let's just say that I don't have to 
               worry about working for a while.
 
               A long while.

                             JERRY
               That's funny because I haven't seen 
               you working for a while. A long
 
               while.

                             KRAMER
               Yeah, and you're not going to, because 
               I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm
 
               retiring.

                             JERRY
               From what?

                             KRAMER
               From the grind. I mean, who needs it? 
               I mean, I've accomplished
 
               everything I've set out to do.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, I bought myself a little retirement 
               gift. Gold watch.
 
                             JERRY AND GEORGE
               Ooh!

                             KRAMER
               Well, it's not really gold.

                             JERRY AND GEORGE
               Aww.

               
               (approaching Darryl's apartment, Elaine hears loud rap music 
               being played,
 
               and smiles knowingly)

                             DARRYL
               Hey.

                             ELAINE
               Great music.

                             DARRYL
               Oh, it's my neighbor. They blast that 
               stuff twenty four hours a day.
 
               I hate it.

                             DARRYL
               Yo, you! Turn it down!

                             ELAINE
               Oh, wow, these are nice. Do they have 
               any cultural significance?
 
                             DARRYL
               They're... African.

                             ELAINE
               Right. African.

                             DARRYL
               Well, not Africa, actually. South Africa.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               South Africa.

                             DARRYL
               My family used to live there, but, 
               uh, we got out years ago, for
 
               obvious reasons. You know how it is.

                             ELAINE
               Maybe.

               
               else, you, uh, you really like 'em and that's why you, you do 
               this.
 
               (the Rosses come out of a nearby building onto the street, observe 
               George not
 
               being in the Hamptons, and move on)

                             GEORGE
               I'll tell ya, if I had one of these 
               things, I'd be eatin' hot dogs
 
               all the time.

                             VENDER
               Are you gonna buy a hot dog or not?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Mmm... no.

               
               Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha!

                             JERRY
               It's 5:30 in the morning!

                             HELEN
               We let you sleep in.

               birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday.

                             MORTY
               Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents.
 
               
                             JERRY
               What does that mean?

                             HELEN
               Leave your father alone. It's his birthday.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Radar detector? I've never seen you 
               go over twenty miles an hour.
 
               You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's 
               a Wizard
 
               organizer.

                             MORTY
               This looks like too much money.

                             JERRY
               Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. 
               It was, like, fifty bucks.
 
                             MORTY
               You think it's hot?

                             JERRY
               Could be.

                             MORTY
               Attaboy! Helen, Jerry got me a hot 
               Wizard computer!
 
                             HELEN
               I'm right here.

                             JERRY
               And you can do everything with it. 
               You can get e-mail, fax, there's a
 
               
               calculator.

                             MORTY
               So, I can use it in the restaurant 
               to figure out the tip?
 
                             JERRY
               Yeah, I guess. But the really cool 
               thing is the daily planner.
 
                             MORTY
               Helen, we got into restaurants and 
               figure out the tips.
 
                             HELEN
               Jerry, you're getting your father too 
               excited.
 
               
               Hey, buddy. When'd you get here?

                             JERRY
               Kramer, what are you doing here?
 
               
                             KRAMER
               I told you I was retiring. I moved 
               in next door.
 
                             HELEN
               Mr. Kornstein died, and it's a beautiful 
               apartment.
 
                             KRAMER
               Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for 
               rent, so I jumped on it.
 
                             JERRY
               Kramer, you can't live down here. This 
               is where people come to die.
 
                             HELEN
               Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll 
               fix you something. How 'bout a
 
               feta cheese omelette?

                             KRAMER
               Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.

                             JERRY
               If you feed him, he'll never leave.
 
               
                             HELEN
               We don't have any feta. How about cottage 
               cheese and Egg Beaters?
 
                             KRAMER, IMMATURELY
               I guess.

                             JERRY
               I can't believe this.

                             KRAMER
               I know, I know. Don't I look more relaxed?
 
               
               
               Darryl situation?

                             GEORGE
               Actually, I did have a thought.

                             ELAINE
               Oh.

                             GEORGE
               Why don't you just ask him?

               like I really want to know.

                             GEORGE
               Maybe he's, um... mixed.

                             ELAINE
               Is that the right word?

                             GEORGE
               I really don't think we're supposed 
               to be talkin' about this.
 
                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

                             GEORGE, STANDING UP
               I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               Yeah.

                             ELAINE
               I'll just talk to Jerry when he gets 
               back.
 
                             MRS. ROSS
               Oh, you're George's friend.

                             MR. ROSS
               We saw him in the city this weekend. 
               Uh, what happened to his
 
               place in the Hamptons?

               don't think so. Have a good one.

                             GEORGE
               Rosses.

                             MR. ROSS
               George, we were just talking about 
               you.
 
                             GEORGE
               Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity 
               thing. But this was one of
 
               those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.
 
               
                             MRS. ROSS
               Really?

                             GEORGE
               Yeah, I may move out there.

               it! OK, I'll see ya later. Keep it real!

               
               Wizard tip calculator.

                             JERRY
               Dad, it's got lots of other functions.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Don't worry. I'll get to the other 
               functions.
 
               (Jerry easily opens it)

                             HELEN
               Yay! Jerry got it open.

                             MORTY
               The service was slow. And God forbid 
               they should refill the water.
 
               point six six six six cents.

                             MORTY
               We'll round down.

                             HELEN
               Jerry, it was so nice of you to come 
               down here on your father's
 
               birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections.
 
               
                             JERRY
               Oh, right. You can't run for condo 
               president because you were
 
               impeached at the other condo.

                             MORTY
               I was never impeached! I resigned!
 
               
                             HELEN
               Even so, the press would bury him!
 
               
                             JERRY
               What press?

                             HELEN
               The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze.
 
               
                             MORTY
               Pinko Commie rag.

               
               just got a date with that young aquacise instructor.

                             JERRY
               She's fifty.

                             OLD MAN
               You know what he's got? He's got charisma. 
               That's my man.
 
                             KRAMER
               All right, I'll see you guys.

                             OLD MAN
               Yeah.

                             KRAMER
               Yeah.

               (Kramer, scanning the scene, is surprised to see Morty, right 
               next to him,
 
               staring at his face)

                             MORTY
               I'll tell you what I'm looking at: 
               the next condo president of Del
 
               Boca Vista, Phase Three.

                             KRAMER
               Hmm.

               
               (Elaine laughts somewhat awkwardly)

                             DARRYL
               Wow, it's got so many functions.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Yeah, yeah. Forget about all that. 
               First thing is first. Warranty
 
               information. Name, we know that. Uh, hobbies. Skiing, racquetball...
 
               
                             DARRYL
               Well, I don't do that stuff.

                             ELAINE
               It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, 
               it doesn't matter. Um. Oh,
 
                             HERE'S ONE
               race.

                             DARRYL
               Isn't that optional?

                             ELAINE
               It certainly should be. It's nobody's 
               damn business! But they really
 
               would like to know.

                             DARRYL
               All right, I'm... Asian.

                             ELAINE
               What?

                             DARRYL
               Just to mess with 'em.

                             ELAINE
               laughing awkwardly: Oh. Right. Good 
               one.
 
                             DARRYL
               Average income, uh... over a hundred 
               thousand.
 
                             ELAINE
               Really?

                             DARRYL
               Does that matter?

                             ELAINE
               No, but... it is very nice to know.
 
               
               
               out Darryl's... you know.

               bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either 
               way.
 
                             ELAINE
               Hey, so Kramer's running for president 
               of the condo?
 
                             JERRY
               Yeah, it's all my father's doing.
 
               
               (Kramer, apparently looking for something to do, mumbles to Jerry 
               to hand him
 
               a magazine from the table)

                             JERRY
               He wants to install Kramer in a puppet 
               regime and then wield power
 
               from behind the scenes. Preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running 
               against?
 
                             JERRY
               Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
 
               
                             ELAINE, TO GEORGE
               He's still down with his folks.

                             GEORGE, TO ELAINE
               What are you doin' here?

                             ELAINE, TO GEORGE
               I'm gettin' his mail.

                             GEORGE, TO ELAINE
               He asked you to get the mail?

                             ELAINE, TO GEORGE
               Mm-hmm.

               mail?

                             JERRY
               George, listen to me. I have a very 
               important job for you. I want you
 
               
               to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't 
               dry out and
 
               leak.

                             GEORGE
               What about the mail?

                             JERRY
               This is far more important. You must 
               exercise the gaskets, George.
 
                             GEORGE, HANGING UP
               All right, Jerry. I'll do it. See ya.
 
               
               
                             ELAINE
               Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where 
               did they get the idea that you
 
               have a place in the Hamptons?

                             GEORGE
               From me.

                             ELAINE
               What did you say?

                             GEORGE
               I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. 
               What did you say?
 
                             ELAINE
               I told them you didn't. And I laughed 
               and I laughed.
 
                             GEORGE
               So, they knew? Those liars!

                             ELAINE
               But you lied first.

                             GEORGE
               Yeah, but they let me go on and on 
               all about the Hamptons, they
 
               never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know 
               you're lying.
 
               You call them a liar!

                             ELAINE
               Like you're a liar!

                             GEORGE
               Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               So, this is over, not over? I'm bettin', 
               not over.
 
                             GEORGE
               Hmm-hmm, not by a long shot. I'm calling 
               up the Rosses and inviting
 
               them up to my non-existent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll 
               see who blinks
 
               first.

                             ELAINE
               Haven't you done enough to these people?
 
               
                             GEORGE
               This is not about them. Now, if you'll 
               excuse me, I have to exercise
 
               Jerry's gaskets.

               (Elaine gets a sarcastic, 'oh, boy' expression)

               
                             KRAMER, TO A ROOM
               Vote for Kramer.

               I'd like your vote. Thanks.

               Kramer.

                             OLD WOMAN
               Will you cut my meat?

                             KRAMER
               Gladly.

               
                             DARRYL
               Sure.

                             WAITRESS, TO DARRYL
               Are you black? Or should I bring some 
               cream.
 
                             DARRYL
               I'm black.

                             DARRYL, RE-THINKING
               Oh, you know what? Bring a little cream.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               What?

                             DARRYL
               God, there are still people who have 
               trouble with an interracial
 
               couple.

                             ELAINE
               Interracial? Us?

                             DARRYL
               Isn't that unbelievable!?

                             ELAINE
               Yes, it's awful! They're upset because 
               we're an interracial couple.
 
               That is racism!

                             DARRYL
               I don't feel like eating.

                             ELAINE
               Me neither. Well, maybe this turkey 
               club.
 
               
                             GEORGE
               So... here I am. Ready to take you 
               to the Hamptons.
 
                             MRS. ROSS
               Sounds grand.

                             GEORGE
               Do you have your bathing suits?

                             MR. ROSS
               It's March.

                             GEORGE
               Speak now, or we are headed to the 
               Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive.
 
               Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the 
               Hamptons. All
 
               right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!

               
               Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you 
               need to take
 
               a vitamin.

               Dad, you look so different.

                             KRAMER
               Oh, no. We're campaigning, Jerry. To 
               rule the people, one... must
 
               walk among them.

               election!

                             KRAMER
               Right. Yeah. The polls close after 
               dinner, three o'clock. But then
 
               when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of 
               eight p.m.
 
                             JERRY
               You know, you can put that whole schedule 
               right in your daily
 
               planner.

                             MORTY
               Daily what?

               clubhouse.

                             MORTY
               Barefoot in the clubhouse? Don't you 
               realize this is against the
 
               rules.

                             KRAMER
               Well, I couldn't find my shoes.

                             JERRY
               Kramer, these people work and wait 
               their whole lives to move down
 
               here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these 
               rules.
 
                             HELEN
               Who wants hot chocolate?

                             KRAMER
               Oh, yeah! Me.

                             MORTY
               This is a huge scandal! We need damage 
               control.
 
                             KRAMER
               All right, look. People seem to like 
               those tip calculators, huh?
 
                             JERRY
               Wizards!

                             KRAMER
               Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one 
               out to every member on the
 
               condo board.

                             JERRY
               Kramer...

                             MORTY
               There are twenty people on the board. 
               Thank God you can get that
 
               deal.

                             KRAMER
               Payoffs. Now we're playin' politics. 
               All right, what do we next,
 
               Morty, huh? Wiretaps, slush funds?

                             JERRY
               Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               Well, what about your deal, huh?
 
               
                             JERRY
               I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred 
               dollars a pop. What do I
 
               do?

                             KRAMER
               Well, don't worry about it. I know 
               a guy.
 
                             JERRY
               Down here?

                             KRAMER
               Yeah, Bob Saccamano's father.

               
               bedroom.

                             MRS. ROSS
               Tell us more.

                             GEORGE
               You want to hear more? The master bedroom 
               opens into the solarium.
 
                             MR. ROSS
               Another solarium?

                             GEORGE
               Yes, two solariums. Quite a find. And 
               I have horses, too?
 
                             MR. ROSS
               What are their names?

                             GEORGE
               Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Should I keep 
               driving?
 
                             MRS. ROSS
               Oh, look, an antique stand. Pull over. 
               We'll buy you a
 
               housewarming gift.

               it up a notch!

               
                             WAITRESS
               Yeah, I just worked a triple shift.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I hear ya, Sister.

                             WAITRESS
               Sister?

               Here he is. See?

                             DARRYL
               Hi, Elaine.

                             ELAINE
               Hey.

                             WAITRESS
               He's black?

                             ELAINE
               Yeah.

                             DARRYL
               I'm black?

                             ELAINE
               Aren't you?

                             WAITRESS, LEAVING
               I'll give you a couple minutes to decide.
 
               
                             DARRYL
               What are you talking about?

                             ELAINE
               You're black. You said we were an interracial 
               couple.
 
                             DARRYL
               We are. Because you're Hispanic.
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I am?

                             DARRYL
               Aren't you?

                             ELAINE
               No. Why would you think that?

                             DARRYL
               Your name's Benes, your hair, and you 
               kept taking me to those
 
               Spanish restaurants.

                             ELAINE
               That's because I thought you were black.
 
               
                             DARRYL
               Why would you take me to a Spanish 
               restaurant because I'm black?
 
                             ELAINE
               I don't think we should be talking 
               about this.
 
                             DARRYL
               So, what are you?

                             ELAINE
               I'm white.

                             DARRYL
               So, we're just a couple of white people?
 
               
                             ELAINE
               I guess.

                             DARRYL
               Oh.

                             ELAINE
               Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?
 
               
               
               all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think 
               we've got
 
               this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman 
               Burgerman,
 
               he won't be leavin' any tips where he is.

                             JERRY
               Aw.

                             MORTY
               Congratulations, Mr. President.

                             KRAMER
               Congratulations, Mr. Puppet Master.
 
               
                             OLD MAN
               Hey, Morty, what's wrong with these 
               tip calculators?
 
                             MORTY
               What are you talking about?

                             OLD MAN
               It's overtipping. I just left five 
               bucks for a BLT.
 
                             MORTY
               This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard.
 
               
                             JERRY
               A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!
 
               
                             OLD MAN #2
               Mine doesn't have a seven!

                             OLD MAN #3
               I'm ruined!

                             MORTY
               Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards?
 
               
                             JERRY
               Because a real Wizard's two hundred 
               dollars.
 
                             MORTY
               You didn't have a deal?

                             JERRY
               No deal. Not hot.

                             OLD MAN
               Morty, you, and Kramer, you're finished.
 
               
                             KRAMER
               What?

                             OLD MAN
               Everyone vote for the guy in the wheelchair.
 
               
               for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York.

                             JERRY
               Dad, I'm sorry.

                             MORTY
               You should be! How could you spend 
               two hundred dollars on a tip
 
               calculator?!

                             JERRY
               It does other things!

               
                             GEORGE
               Almost there.

                             MR. ROSS
               Well, this is the end of Long Island. 
               Where's your house?
 
                             GEORGE
               We, uh, we go on foot from here.
 
               
                             MR. ROSS
               All right.

                             GEORGE
               There's no house! It's a lie! There's 
               no solarium. There's no
 
               Prickly Pete. There's no other solarium.

                             MR. ROSS
               We know.

                             GEORGE
               Then, why? Why did you make me drive 
               all the way out here? Why
 
               didn't you say something? Why? Why? Why?

                             MRS. ROSS
               We don't like you, George.

                             MR. ROSS
               And we always blamed you for what happened 
               to Susan.
 
                             GEORGE
               Oh.

                             MR. ROSS
               All right! Let's head back.

               
               THE END 


The Wizard



Writers :   Steve Lookner
Genres :   Comedy


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