Well, here we are, dude, the first day
of fourth grade.
Yeah. No more getting pushed around
by fourth graders!
5TH-GRADER IN MIDDLE
Get out of my way, you little dorks!
Hey! We're fourth-graders now, too!
5TH-GRADER IN MIDDLE
Yeah, but now, we're fifth-graders,
you stupid fourth-graders, so move it!
Ungh, gay, dude.
Dude, we gotta find some third-graders
to beat up. Hey, come here
What grade are you going into?
Stupid third grader!
Yeah, get out of here!
There, that's better.
You know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher
is some new lady from Denver.
U-hoh, dude, we could walk all over
He's right. We have to take a hard stance
right now and establish that we're the
dominant ones in this relationship!
Alright. Hey, listen up everybody!
We need to stand up to this new teacher
and insert ourselves! Let's all do something
Like... ah, how about right at 8:35 we
all jump up on our desks and pull down
our pants and shout, "KISS MY ASS!!!"
Why, that's PERfect!
Well, buh wuh when we pull our pants
down, should we stand frontways or
back? I mean, do we show 'er our... behinds,
or-ar our w-wieners?
...I think showing her our asses should
be quite sufficient, Butters.
Uh-uh, maybe we could stand like this
, with our wieners pokin' through the
back of our legs, you know, and give
'er a nice fruit bowl.
...Yeah. Or we could just show our asses.
Okay, so it's decided. When the clock
hits 8:35 we all stand up on our desks,
pull down our pants and yell, "KISS
Together we are strong!
Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling
his pants down.
We got you covered, Timmy.
[The bell rings again, and the kids enter their new classroom
a bit awed at the surroundings. Lab sinks and equipment line
the walls. New, modern desks greet them. An aquarium and some
modern art are also present.]
Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom?
Huhuh, look at all this stuff.
Hey, what the hell is with these little
Dude, look at the walls. Everythng
is written in some strange, foreign
Alright, children, quiet down. Welcome
to the fourth grade.
Holy God, dude!
(Those tittes are fuckin' huge!)
My name is Ms. Choksondik.
...More like, Ms. Makesmesick.
Play time is over, children! Do you
understand me?! I don't know how your
last teacher behaved, but this is the
fourth grade! And it is time to go
KISS MY ASS!!! Oh, weak, you guys.
Well, young man, I hope you have a
good explanation for this.
Oh, I'm sure I do.
This is the fourth grade! You need to
Now, get back to your desk and write
a thousand-word essay on why you feel
you need to disrupt my class.
Now, let us begin our first-day exam.
[South Park Elementary, outside. The bell rings, and the students
head out onto the playground.]
What a bitch!
And did you see her lazy eye? You can't
even tell what she's looking at.
You guys are all such pussies!
I can't take it, man! Writing in cursive??
Fractions?? I can't do i-it!
This is it. The end of innocence. This
is the loss of that playful youth all
our parents told us about.
I just didnt think it would come so
Yeah. Only now do we realize how much
we all took the third grade for granted.
Everything was great in third grade.
And now that it's all over, we'er starting
to see just how special it was.
Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade?
We used to laugh and play and cherish each day in the Third Grade
[a classroom scene, then a playground scene as heads of Cartman
and Kenny float by]
We learned wonderous things from a teacher so nice
[Mr. Grrison is dessed as a pirate before a happy class]
Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles
[Their desks turn into marshmallow seats and float up as the
classroom fades into sky. A teddy-bear face floats by]
The world seemed to all make sense
but that sense seems to slowly fade
[They float towards a rainbow and sun, and the scene fades to
black, then to the playground]
After Third Grade
In the Third Grade we used to write with crayons
[Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land]
We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue
[Cartman makes a glitter picture of a cow's face]
We had warm cookies and hearts full of love
[Kenny makes one of a clown holding a bloody knife in one hand
and a boy's bloody head in the other]
And there wasn't a care in the world of me... of you...
[Cartman sings to the audience and points]
There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade just to
go back for one minute
[Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land, then gives
each kid a happy spanking in a room full of huge gift props.
The scene fades to the playground again]
To Third Grade
[A moment of silence, and Clyde starts to cry. Butters draws
near and consoles him]
Wow! I had already forgotten how great
third grade was.
Huh-it sure was.
I wish I was sstill there.
Hey, that's it! We gotta go back to
We travel back in time.
Oh yeah, time travel.
Oowuh how are we gonna do that? Does
it hurt? I don't wanna do it if it
hurts. Or if it... makes you get all sticky.
It can't be that bad. People do it on
TV all the time.
Yeah, we just have to find somebody
who knows how to do it.
Well, what about those two college guys
next door to me? They're always doing
science experiments in their basement.
Yeah, if there's a way to travel back
in time, those two dorks will know how!
[The basement of the two college guys, after school. These are
computer geeks, with at least three computers in there. The blond
guy works on his nose as he talks.]
When it comes to time-traveling theory,
there are basically two school of thought.
The Spock Theory is that a sling shot
around the sun could create a wormhole
in which time could not escape. The
Lieutenant Commander Data Theory, however,
is that a nag vibration could create
a rip in the time-space continuum-
Look, whatever it takes, we just have
to get back to third grade.
Time-travel is no laughing matter. Four
times the Enterprise went back in time,
and four times they almost didn't make
We don't want to make it back, we want
to stay there.
So can you do it?
It's all theoretical, but from a scientific
standpoint, the creation of a rip in
space-time is possible. We just need
to find an inertia device.
Heeeyyy. This kid's electric wheelchair
might be just what we need.
[South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria
and Mr. Mackey are talking to Chef.]
Oh, this new fourth-grade teacher is
driving me nuts!
What's the problem?
Uh, you see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has
very large, uh, honkers, and she doesn't
seem to like wearing a bra.
You call that a problem? That sounds
like heaven to me.
No, it's really not as nice as you might
imagine, Chef, m'kay.
Principal Victoria, I would like a word!
Oooo! Call the doctor!
My new students are the most misbehaved,
illiterate, brain-dead group of children
I have ever come across!
Well, Ms.... Choksondik, those children
did fairly well in the third grade.
One of them is mentally handicapped,
for Christ's sake!
Oh? Which one?
The one in the wheelchair! Look, I would
like to have a talk with their last
year's teacher! Who was it? Mr. Uh-heh,
I'm afraid that's impossible. Nobody's
seen Mr. Garrison since the last school
Why?! Where did he go?!
We... don't like to talk about it.
But I need help reaching these kids!
I have nothing but the hghest expectations
for them. And with God as my witness-
I'm going to teach these kids the wonders
of the world, so that they can reach
the top! I hope that sometime very
soon you will let me in on what happened
to this Mr. Garrison! And with that
I will bid you good day!
Wuh sure thing, fine, bye-bye then.
[South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, next day.
The kids are all in their seats wearing goggles and the two nerds
are with them]
Alright, when we power up, the handicapped
kid's chair will accelerate at a high
rate of speed about 10 feet that way
, then make the required magnetic vibrations.
If the fields are right, it should then
create a wormhole up near the front
of the classroom.
You guys don't actually think this is
going to work, do you?
Now, eh, when you all see a wormhole,
yuh-you guys are gonna have about 4.2
seconds to run through it.
And on the other side you will find
yourself in the exact same spot, only
one year ago.
Back in the third grade.
I can't wait until the teacher yells
at us this time, and we all tell her
to suck our balls!
Oh! Here she comes.
Alright, children, I hope you all did
your homework last night. Please pass
your papers up to the frontuh.
Suck my balls!!! Oh, God-damnit, you
guys, I am so seriously-
I said, pass your papers to the fronteh!
We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makesmesick!
We didn't feel like it!
It's Choksondik! And you are all going
to have detention!
Hahaa! Charade you are, teacher! I'm
afraid we have different plans! Gentlemen?
Primary fusion initiated
Molecular grenadine active.
What are you doing?!
We're going back in time to third grade!
Goodbye, teacher! Perhaps we shall see
you in another year! Hahaaa!
I didn't think it would work.
Well, well, well! I'd say somebody has
some explaining to do!
You're damn right they do!
Dude! Timmy's chair is packed with all
that stuff! We've gotta help him!
Children! Children, come back here!
[South Park, the streets. Timmy is rolling down the street being
passed by honking cars going this way and that. Timmy screams
a frightened scream]
Timmy, you have to stop!
Look, the system malfunctions if he
stops. The nuclear core can bake his
magnetic field and the whole chair will
What?! Timmy! You've got to get off
We've rigged the chair to be sensitive
to his weight. If he gets off, the whole
So if Timmy drops his speed below five
miles an hour the chair blow, and if
he gets off, the chair blows?
NEWS 4 LIVE UPDATE
It's been over three hours since the
police first showed up on the scene
of a handicapped boy's wheelchair set
[South Park, Tele's. The boys and the nerds rush to the video
window to watch the report]
Over here, over here!
The child can't stop or get off the
chair without risking explosion, and
so the SWAT team will now attempt to
disarm the device.
[South Park, a street. Timmy reaches an open stretch of road]
Closer! Don't worry, son. Just watch
your speed and stay still!
Look out, Hansen!
SWAT RESCUER HANSEN
Dear Jesus! Hang on, lady!
Oh my God, what's going on?
Ma'am, be very careful! That wheelchair
is set to explode!
What?! AAAH!! Omigod! Omigod!
It's okay! Just stay calm and keep the
speed above 5!
O-kay. O-kay. Omigod.
Okay. I kept the speed at 5.
Good! What's the wheelchair's battery
46 ... 19:45 ...
Oh my God! Less than 20 minutes!
[South Park, Tele's. The boys react to the news]
Less than 20 minutes?!
Oh no! What have we done?!
[South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria
holds up an oversize bra for Chef's and Mr. Mackey's appraisal]
Whattaya think? Too forward?
I HAVE HAD IT!!!
These children are out of control! I
must speak with their last year's teacher,
As we said before, that's impossible.
What in God's name happened to him?
Uuuh, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Garrison had
several uuh, eee-motional issues. He
was a closet homosexual who hated gay
people. Whenever someone asked him if
he was gay, he'd go nuts.
And then he was accused of trying to
solicit sex from a young boy.
After being dismissed from teaching,
he went off to write romance novels.
His first novel sold well and everything
was fine until he found out that his
novel won the gay Pulitzer prize, and
was considered the best homoerotic novel
since Huckleberry Finn.
He finaly snapped and had a nervous
breakdown and... went up into the mountains
to live in solitude.
Some say that on cold nights you can
still hear him moanin', "I'm not gaaay!
I'm not gaaay!"
Iii'mmm nnnooottt gggaaayyy!!!
And, nobody has found him?
Well, we really haven't ll-looked.
I see. Then the only way I'll find
the secret to teaching these kids is
to go up into those mountains and find
Mr. Garrison myself!
But he could be anywhere up high in
Oh, I'll find him! Even if I have to
climb up and up and up!
[South Park, a street. Timmy and the brunette are still on the
open stretch of road]
Oh my God, Oh my God!
[South Park, a street. A field reporter is on the scene]
Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside
of Denver where the darling handicapped
boy fights for his life on a wheelchair
of death. Guys, can you tell us what
kind of explosive we're actually dealing
Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen-fusion
core with a veltig reactant-
Ah, please help!
Which just turned into a time bomb.
This has never happened in all the 72
original Star Trek episodes.
Yah... wait, you mean 73 episodes.
...No, there were 72.
No there weren't!
Oh, you are such a nerd!
Tom, I understand that now, the rescuers
are gonna try and send in one of the
handicapped boy's little friends, in
an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully,
disarm the device.
[South Park, a street. A SWAT truck full of rescuers passes Timmy
and the brunette and slows down to wheelchair speed. Kenny is
It's alright, eveything's goin' tuh
Oh my God!
Alright, young man, when you get underneath
that wheelchair, I want you to relay
back to me with this walky-talky, and
then I'll tell you which wires to cross.
(Hi guys.) (Uh oh.) (Uff. I'm okay.)
Well, who didn't see that coming?
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Stay calm! You have to stay calm!
But if we got off the chair it blows
No no, that's only if the boy gets off.
Oh. See ya!
Ten seconds, Hansen!
Please-a help me.
Please help me. Please help me.
Got it! I think! Up, up!
Hey, it did work.
[South Park, a tall mountain not unlike the Matterhorn, next
day. Ms. Choksondik scales it, and reaches a plateau. Several
cats follow her up. She sees a cave and approaches it, then enters]
Hello-oo-ooo. Oh, what am I doing?
I'm gonna get myself killed. Is anyone
here? Mister? Mr. Garrison?
Who-? Who are you? What do you want?
I am the new fourth grade teacher. I've
come to... seek your help. Please. I
don't know how to handle the new fourth
graders. I've tried everything. I need
to know how you taught them.
No! No, I... haven't... taught in over...
Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach
these kids! You're my only hope!
Do you know what it is to be a teacher,
No I don't! IT'S A LIE! You see? That's
what you get for bein' a teacher! You
work and you work for the children and
then people start rumors that you're
gay even though you love poontang!
Mr. Garrison, these children are depeding
on me to give them a future. I can't
do it without your guidance. Please!
Help me, for them! For the future of
...Two hundred bucks.
[The basement of the two college guys, after school. The boys
show up again. Much of the stuff that was in the baasement is
gone. Soon, it is shown that the second nerd has moved out]
Dude! You gotta build us another time
Huh? Oh... Can't.
What do you mean, "can't"?! You made
it work; just build us another one!
I can't, because pizza-face isn't here!
We're not on speaking terms! We got
in a big fight and he moved all his
W-what did you get in a fight about?
There's 73 original Star Treks! He keeps
saying there's 72!
Oh, Jesus Christ! You've got to be kidding
No! He actually thinks there's 72.!
Look, dude, can't you just build us
another machine without him?
No. Pizza-face took all his equipment
home to his mom's. Now, if you can go
over there and get him to admit that
Alright, come on, guys. Man, I can't
bellieve we have to do this while Timmy's
already back in time!
Yeah! Timmy's probably back in third
grade right now living it up!
[A tropical forest. Dinosaurs roam this land. A pteranodon flies
overhead as a triceratops chases Timmy]
[South Park, the "Matterhorn," the plateau outside Garrison's
cave. Mr. Garrison walks around Ms. Choksondik as she balances
three books on each hand and one on her head while standing on
only her left foot.]
Alright, let's try it again.
"Children, we are now going to do math
"But teacher, I don't want to do my
"Uuh! Ah, you will do them or else you'll
be in very big trouble!"
"Well, I'm not gong' to do it, teacher!
You can just suck my balls!"
"Don't use that kind of language, young
Look, you can't counter a profane command
with an idle threat! You must extingish
it with a vulgar suggestion! When a
child says, "Suck my balls," you say,
Now, let's try it again. SUCK MY BALLS!
Good. Very good. You're ready to
move on to the next level. But I warn
you: we will now be diving deep into
your own psyche. These children know
what scares you, and so we, too, must
face those demons.
I'm ready. I'm not afraid.
You will be! You will be! You wil
God-damnit, this is ridiculous.
Dude, can you please just stop fighting
with your friend and build another machine
so we can travel back in time to the
Look! There aern't 73 episodes of Star
Trek, there are 72! "The Menagerie"
was a 2-parter that counts as one episode!
Pizza-face is wrong!
Who the hell cares?!
I know! Why does he have to be such
a dick about it?!
Wouldn't it be better to just agree
with him and forget the whole thing?
No, because he's WRONG!
Look. You guys built a machine together
that can bend time. If you'll just agree
with him, you can build another one
and usher in a whole new era of science!
And live in a world of 72 original Star
Treks? I don't think so! I don't want
to live in that world.
God, these guys are such geek dumbasses!
Yeh-hah. They don't even realize that
"The Menagerie" originally was the pilot
and later got split up into two episodes,
eh ha ha. Ha ha. Hahahaha, eh the,
eh the dumbasses.
Wiait a minute! I've got it.
Dude, if you guys build another time
machine, you can travel back in time
and ask the creator of Star Trek how
many episodes there were!
Dude, Jesus, you're right.
[South Park, the "Matterhorn." Mr. Garrison takes Ms. Choksondik
to a gnarled, giant willow tree on a mountainside forest]
This is it: The Tree of Insight. You
must go in and face what lives inside.
What lives inside?
Hel if I know. I wouldn't go in there.
Oh, alrighty. What the? Why there's
nothng in here but an exit to the other
side! There's nothing in here at all.
...Oh, and I actually thought my mental
demons would be in here. Wait a minute.
Maybe there's not supposed to be anythng
in here. Maybe I'm supposed to see that
I alone do have the strength to reach
the kids! I think I get it now!
Hey, hurry up in there! Jesus. You're
taking too long in the damn Tree of
Insight! You in there?! Hey, where
the hell did she go? What the? Haaa!
Who? Who are you?
I am you. I am your gay side.
My gay side, uh- I DON'T HAVE A GAY
You must face me at last.
[South Park, the "Matterhorn," moments later...]
You aren't real! You can't be!
It is me, your darkest fear. Your gay
What do you want?
I want you to not fight me anymore.
To accept me, once and for all.
Don't you see? All these years, your
pain, your confusion, it comes from
one place. Your denial of who you are.
Of who... we are.
But I'm not gay! Everyone just thinks
Oh, stop it! What about the time you
looked at Counselor Mackey's penis in
the men's locker room?!
I was just comparing size!
For seven minutes?!
And what about the time you masturbated
to the men's 100-meter swimming relay
at the Olympics?!
I was beating off to the chicks!
THERE WERE NO CHICKS!
OH, DAMN YOU SPIRIT! HAUNT ME NO LONGER!
YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND
GET A G-
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I ADMIT IT! I'M GAY!!!
I'm...gay. I'm gay! I am gay! You hear
that everyone? I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm
gay and it... and it feels good.
[South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, a few days
later. Where the chalkboard used to be are just some boards hastily
put up, along with a DO NOT CROSS line and three safety cones
to guard this makeshift board.]
Alright, children, I hope you all did
your- Oowhat is going on now?!
Haha, Teacher, we're traveling back
in time to third grade!-God-damnit you
guys, you seriously said this time you'd
snap into it with me.
Oh Good Gravy, not this again.
Yes! We've had a new time maching built:
this one out of a simple microwave oven
and a duck Au revoir, teacher! Perheps
we shall see you in the past, hahaa.
Children, I will have order!!
I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to
tell you how WRONG you are! Just like
when you said there were no two-parters
of Battlestar Galactica!
The episode called "Gonzo on Ice Planet
Zero" was a two-parter.
No it WASN'T!
Oh, son of a bitch!
I'll kill you!
There it is! Come on, everybody!
Children, get back into your seats!
No way, lady!
Eric, I mean it!
You can suck my balls!
You said, "suck my balls." Well, go
ahead. Whip 'em out, and I'll suck 'em.
Thah... That's what Mr. Garrison would've
Touché, teacher. Touché.
Now, children, listen to me. Why do
you want to go back in time? Life isn't
about going back, it's about going forward.
Yes, there are times in our life that
we wish we could relive, but, if we
already lived them perfectly, why live
them again? The adventure of life is
that there's always something new. New
challenges, new experiences. A fun game
is a game that gets harder as it goes.
So it is with life. Do you understand?
Dude. Sh-she's right.
Yeah. And you know, now that I think
about it, third grade wasn't all that
Yeah. Third grade sucked! Cartman, why
the hell did you try to make us think
third grad was so great?!
Yeah! You suck, Cartman!
Alright, students, that will be quite
enough! If you're ready, let's continue
on... with the fourth grade.
Hey, Timmy's back!
Dude, it looks like he's been all over
time! He must have such cool stuff to
[South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Chef talks with Mr.
Mackey and Principal Victoria]
You know I'm always here to help, Principal
Ey, guess what everybody?! I'M GAY!!!
I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
You admit it? You admit it!
Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison. You've
finally come to terms with yourself!
Yeah, it feels really good!
You know, I, I feel like I can start
anew. If it's alright with you, I'd
like to go back to teaching the third
Oh. I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people.