The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 411


                                      "4TH GRADE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





                                     STAN
                         Well, here we are, dude, the first day 
                         of fourth grade.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. No more getting pushed around 
                         by fourth graders! 
 
                                     5TH-GRADER IN MIDDLE
                         Get out of my way, you little dorks! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey! We're fourth-graders now, too!
 
                         
                                     5TH-GRADER IN MIDDLE
                         Yeah, but now, we're fifth-graders, 
                         you stupid fourth-graders, so move it! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Ungh, gay, dude.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, we gotta find some third-graders 
                         to beat up.  Hey, come here 
 
                                     YOUNGER BOY
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         What grade are you going into?

                                     YOUNGER BOY
                         Thi-ird

                                     STAN
                         Stupid third grader!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah,  get out of here! 

                                     YOUNGER BOY
                         Uhuhuhow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         There, that's better.

                                     KYLE
                         You know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher 
                         is some new lady from Denver.
 
                                     STAN
                         Denver? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         U-hoh, dude, we could walk all over 
                         her. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's right. We have to take a hard stance 
                         right now and establish that we're the 
                         dominant ones in this relationship! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright.  Hey, listen up everybody! 
                          We need to stand up to this new teacher 
                         and insert ourselves! Let's all do something 
                         radical! 
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Like what?

                                     STAN
                          Like... ah, how about right at 8:35 we 
                         all jump up on our desks and pull down 
                         our pants and shout, "KISS MY ASS!!!" 
                         all together!
 
                                     THE KIDS
                         YEAH!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Why, that's PERfect!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, buh wuh when we pull our pants 
                         down,  should we stand frontways or 
                         back? I mean, do we show 'er our... behinds, 
                         or-ar our w-wieners?
 
                                     STAN
                         ...I think showing her our asses should 
                         be quite sufficient, Butters.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh-uh, maybe we could stand like this 
                         , with our wieners pokin' through the 
                         back of our legs, you know, and give 
                         'er a nice fruit bowl.
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...Yeah. Or we could just show our asses.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Okay, so it's decided. When the clock 
                         hits 8:35 we all stand up on our desks, 
                         pull down our pants and yell, "KISS 
                         MY ASS!!!"
 
                                     KYLE
                         Together we are strong! 

                                     THE KIDS
                         YEAH!!!

                                     CLYDE
                          Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling 
                         his pants down.
 
                                     STAN
                         We got you covered, Timmy.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmay!

               [The bell rings again, and the kids enter their new classroom 
               a bit awed at the surroundings. Lab sinks and equipment line 
               the walls. New, modern desks greet them. An aquarium and some 
               modern art are also present.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huhuh, look at all this stuff.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, what the hell is with these little 
                         half-desks?
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, look at the walls.  Everythng 
                         is written in some strange, foreign 
                         language.
 
                                     NEW TEACHER
                          Alright, children, quiet down. Welcome 
                         to the fourth grade. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Holy God, dude!

                                     KENNY
                         (Those tittes are fuckin' huge!) 

                                     NEW TEACHER
                         My name is Ms. Choksondik.

                                     STAN
                          ...More like, Ms. Makesmesick. 

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! 

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Play time is over, children! Do you 
                         understand me?!  I don't know how your 
                         last teacher behaved, but this is the 
                         fourth grade!  And it is time to go 
                         to work!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          KISS MY ASS!!!  Oh, weak, you guys. 
                         Seriously weak.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Well, young man, I hope you have a 
                         good explanation for this.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, I'm sure I do.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         This is the fourth grade! You need to 
                         grow up! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm trying.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Now, get back to your desk and write 
                         a thousand-word essay on why you feel 
                         you need to disrupt my class.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Fantastic, then.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Now, let us begin our first-day exam. 
                          SILENCE!
 
               [South Park Elementary, outside. The bell rings, and the students 
               head out onto the playground.]
 
                                     STAN
                         What a bitch!

                                     KYLE
                         And did you see her lazy eye? You can't 
                         even tell what she's looking at.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys are all such pussies!

                                     TWEEK
                         I can't take it, man! Writing in cursive?? 
                         Fractions?? I can't do i-it!
 
                                     STAN
                         This is it. The end of innocence.  This 
                         is the loss of that playful youth all 
                         our parents told us about.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I just didnt think it would come so 
                         soon.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. Only now do we realize how much 
                         we all took the third grade for granted.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Everything was great in third grade. 
                         And now that it's all over, we'er starting 
                         to see just how special it was.
 
               [wistfully]

               Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade?

               We used to laugh and play and cherish each day in the Third Grade
 
               
               [a classroom scene, then a playground scene as heads of Cartman 
               and Kenny float by]
 
               We learned wonderous things from a teacher so nice

               [Mr. Grrison is dessed as a pirate before a happy class]

               Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles

               [Their desks turn into marshmallow seats and float up as the 
               classroom fades into sky. A teddy-bear face floats by]
 
               The world seemed to all make sense

               but that sense seems to slowly fade

               [They float towards a rainbow and sun, and the scene fades to 
               black, then to the playground]
 
               After Third Grade

               
               In the Third Grade we used to write with crayons

               [Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land]

               We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue

               [Cartman makes a glitter picture of a cow's face]

               We had warm cookies and hearts full of love

               [Kenny makes one of a clown holding a bloody knife in one hand 
               and a boy's bloody head in the other]
 
               And there wasn't a care in the world of me... of you...

               [Cartman sings to the audience and points]

               There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade just to 
               go back for one minute
 
               [Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land, then gives 
               each kid a happy spanking in a room full of huge gift props. 
               The scene fades to the playground again]
 
               To Third Grade

               [A moment of silence, and Clyde starts to cry. Butters draws 
               near and consoles him] 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wow! I had already forgotten how great 
                         third grade was.
 
                                     BUTERS
                         Huh-it sure was.

                                     CARTMAN
                          I wish I was sstill there.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, that's it! We gotta go back to 
                         third grade!
 
                                     KYLE
                         How?

                                     STAN
                          We travel back in time.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh yeah, time travel.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oowuh how are we gonna do that? Does 
                         it hurt?  I don't wanna do it if it 
                         hurts. Or if it... makes you get all sticky.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It can't be that bad. People do it on 
                         TV all the time.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, we just have to find somebody 
                         who knows how to do it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, what about those two college guys 
                         next door to me? They're always doing 
                         science experiments in their basement.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, if there's a way to travel back 
                         in time, those two dorks will know how!
 
                         
               [The basement of the two college guys, after school. These are 
               computer geeks, with at least three computers in there. The blond 
               guy works on his nose as he talks.]
 
                                     NERD #1
                         When it comes to time-traveling theory, 
                         there are basically two school of thought. 
                         The Spock Theory is that a sling shot 
                         around the sun could create a wormhole 
                         in which time could not escape. The 
                         Lieutenant Commander Data Theory, however, 
                         is that a nag vibration could create 
                         a rip in the time-space continuum-
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, whatever it takes, we just have 
                         to get back to third grade.
 
                                     NERD #2
                         Time-travel is no laughing matter. Four 
                         times the Enterprise went back in time, 
                         and four times they almost didn't make 
                         it back.
 
                                     STAN
                         We don't want to make it back, we want 
                         to stay there.
 
                                     NERD #1
                         Oh.

                                     KYLE
                         So can you do it?

                                     NERD #2
                         It's all theoretical, but from a scientific 
                         standpoint, the creation of a rip in 
                         space-time is possible. We just need 
                         to find an inertia device. 
 
                                     NERD #1
                         Heeeyyy.  This kid's electric wheelchair 
                         might be just what we need.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Tuh-timmih?

               [South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria 
               and Mr. Mackey are talking to Chef.]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh, this new fourth-grade teacher is 
                         driving me nuts!
 
                                     CHEF
                         What's the problem?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, you see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has 
                         very large, uh, honkers, and she doesn't 
                         seem to like wearing a bra.
 
                                     CHEF
                         You call that a problem? That sounds 
                         like heaven to me.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         No, it's really not as nice as you might 
                         imagine, Chef, m'kay. 
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Principal Victoria, I would like a word! 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oooo! Call the doctor!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         My new students are the most misbehaved, 
                         illiterate, brain-dead group of children 
                         I have ever come across!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, Ms.... Choksondik, those children 
                         did fairly well in the third grade.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         One of them is mentally handicapped, 
                         for Christ's sake!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh? Which one?

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         The one in the wheelchair! Look, I would 
                         like to have a talk with their last 
                         year's teacher! Who was it? Mr. Uh-heh, 
                         Garrison?! 
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         I'm afraid that's impossible. Nobody's 
                         seen Mr. Garrison since the last school 
                         year ended.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Why?! Where did he go?!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          We... don't like to talk about it.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         But I need help reaching these kids! 
                         I have nothing but the hghest expectations 
                         for them. And with  God as my witness-
 
                         
                                     THE ADULTS
                         Aww Oooo

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         I'm going to teach these kids the wonders 
                         of the world, so that they can reach 
                         the top!  I hope that sometime very 
                         soon you will let me in on what happened 
                         to this Mr. Garrison! And with that 
                         I will bid you good day!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Wuh sure thing, fine, bye-bye then. 
                         
 
               [South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, next day. 
               The kids are all in their seats wearing goggles and the two nerds 
               are with them]
 
                                     NERD #1
                         Alright, when we power up, the handicapped 
                         kid's chair will accelerate at a high 
                         rate of speed about 10 feet that way 
                         , then make the required magnetic vibrations.
 
                         
                                     NERD #2
                         If the fields are right, it should then 
                         create a wormhole up near the front 
                         of the classroom.
 
                                     WENDY
                         You guys don't actually think this is 
                         going to work, do you?
 
                                     NERD #1
                         Now, eh, when you all see a wormhole, 
                         yuh-you guys are gonna have about 4.2 
                         seconds to run through it.
 
                                     NERD #2
                         And on the other side you will find 
                         yourself in the exact same spot, only 
                         one year ago.
 
                                     STAN
                         Back in the third grade.

                                     KIDS
                         Cool/Wow.

                                     KYLE
                         I can't wait until the teacher yells 
                         at us this time, and we all tell her 
                         to suck our balls!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Yeah!

                                     STAN
                         Oh! Here she comes.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Alright, children, I hope you all did 
                         your homework last night. Please pass 
                         your papers up to the frontuh.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Suck my balls!!!  Oh, God-damnit, you 
                         guys, I am so seriously-
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          I said, pass your papers to the fronteh!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makesmesick! 
                         We didn't feel like it!
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         It's Choksondik! And you are all going 
                         to have detention!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hahaa! Charade you are, teacher! I'm 
                         afraid we have different plans! Gentlemen? 
                         
 
                                     NERD #1
                         Primary fusion initiated

                                     NERD #2
                         Molecular grenadine active. 

                                     TIMMY
                         Aa-aa-ah!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         What are you doing?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         We're going back in time to third grade! 
                         Goodbye, teacher! Perhaps we shall see 
                         you in another year! Hahaaa! 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmaaaaaaaaah!  Timmaaaaaaaaah! 

                                     NERD #1
                         I didn't think it would work.

                                     NERD #2
                         Me neither.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Well, well, well! I'd say somebody has 
                         some explaining to do!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're damn right they do!

                                     KYLE
                         Dude! Timmy's chair is packed with all 
                         that stuff! We've gotta help him!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on! 

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Children! Children, come back here!
 
                         
               [South Park, the streets. Timmy is rolling down the street being 
               passed by honking cars going this way and that. Timmy screams 
               a frightened scream]
 
                                     STAN
                         Timmy, you have to stop!

                                     NERD #1
                         No!

                                     STAN
                         No??

                                     NERD #1
                         Look, the system malfunctions if he 
                         stops. The nuclear core can bake his 
                         magnetic field and the whole chair will 
                         blow sky-high.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?! Timmy! You've got to get off 
                         that chair!
 
                                     NERD #1
                         No!

                                     KYLE
                          No??

                                     NERD #2
                         We've rigged the chair to be sensitive 
                         to his weight. If he gets off, the whole 
                         thing blows!
 
                                     STAN
                         So if Timmy drops his speed below five 
                         miles an hour the chair blow, and if 
                         he gets off, the chair blows?
 
                                     THE NERDS
                         Yup.

                                     STAN
                         My God!

               NEWS 4 LIVE UPDATE

                                     ANCHOR TOM
                          It's been over three hours since the 
                         police first showed up on the scene 
                         of a handicapped boy's wheelchair set 
                         with explosives.
 
               [South Park, Tele's. The boys and the nerds rush to the video 
               window to watch the report]
 
                                     STAN
                         Over here, over here!

                                     ANCHOR TOM
                         The child can't stop or get off the 
                         chair without risking explosion, and 
                         so the SWAT team will now attempt to 
                         disarm the device.
 
               [South Park, a street. Timmy reaches an open stretch of road]
 
               
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmi-hih-ih! 

                                     SWAT HANSEN
                         Closer!  Don't worry, son. Just watch 
                         your speed and stay still! 
 
                                     PILOT
                         Look out, Hansen!

                                     SWAT RESCUER HANSEN
                         Oh! 

                                     BRUNETTE
                         Aaaah!

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmaaay!

                                     HANSEN
                          Dear Jesus! Hang on, lady!

                                     BRUNETTE
                         Oh my God, what's going on?

                                     HANSEN
                         Ma'am, be very careful! That wheelchair 
                         is set to explode!
 
                                     BRUNETTE
                         What?!  AAAH!! Omigod! Omigod!

                                     HANSEN
                         It's okay! Just stay calm and keep the 
                         speed above 5!
 
                                     BRUNETTE
                          O-kay. O-kay. Omigod.

                                     TIMMY
                         Tih-Timmah? 

                                     BRUNETTE
                         Okay. I kept the speed at 5.

                                     HANSEN
                         Good! What's the wheelchair's battery 
                         power at?
 
                                     19
                         46 ... 19:45 ...

                                     BRUNETTE
                         Oh my God! Less than 20 minutes!

               [South Park, Tele's. The boys react to the news]

                                     STAN
                         Less than 20 minutes?!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh no! What have we done?!

               [South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria 
               holds up an oversize bra for Chef's and Mr. Mackey's appraisal]
 
               
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Whattaya think? Too forward? 

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         I HAVE HAD IT!!!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Waaah! 

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         These children are out of control! I 
                         must speak with their last year's teacher, 
                         Mr. Garrison! 
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         As we said before, that's impossible.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         What in God's name happened to him?
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Uuuh, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Garrison had 
                         several uuh, eee-motional issues. He 
                         was a closet homosexual who hated gay 
                         people. Whenever someone asked him if 
                         he was gay, he'd go nuts.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         And then he was accused of trying to 
                         solicit sex from a young boy.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         After being dismissed from teaching, 
                         he went off to write romance novels. 
                         His first novel sold well and everything 
                         was fine until he found out that his 
                         novel won the gay Pulitzer prize, and 
                         was considered the best homoerotic novel 
                         since Huckleberry Finn.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         He finaly snapped and had a nervous 
                         breakdown and... went up into the mountains 
                         to live in solitude.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Some say that on cold nights you can 
                         still hear him moanin', "I'm not gaaay! 
                         I'm not gaaay!"
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Iii'mmm nnnooottt gggaaayyy!!!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         And, nobody has found him?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, we really haven't ll-looked.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         I see.  Then the only way I'll find 
                         the secret to teaching these kids is 
                         to go up into those mountains and find 
                         Mr. Garrison myself!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         But he could be anywhere up high in 
                         those mountains.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Oh, I'll find him! Even if I have to 
                         climb up  and up  and up!
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          What?

               [South Park, a street. Timmy and the brunette are still on the 
               open stretch of road]
 
                                     BRUNETTE
                         Oh my God, Oh my God!

               [South Park, a street. A field reporter is on the scene]

                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside 
                         of Denver where the darling handicapped 
                         boy fights for his life on a wheelchair 
                         of death.  Guys, can you tell us what 
                         kind of explosive we're actually dealing 
                         with here.
 
                                     NERD #1
                         Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen-fusion 
                         core with a veltig reactant-
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Ah, please help!

                                     NERD #2
                         Which just turned into a time bomb.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Please help.

                                     NERD #1
                         This has never happened in all the 72 
                         original Star Trek episodes.
 
                                     NERD #2
                         Yah... wait, you mean 73 episodes.

                                     NERD #1
                         ...No, there were 72.

                                     NERD #2
                         No there weren't!

                                     NERD #1
                          Oh, you are such a nerd! 

                                     FIELD REPORTER
                          Tom, I understand that now, the rescuers 
                         are gonna try and send in one of the 
                         handicapped boy's little friends, in 
                         an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully, 
                         disarm the device.
 
               [South Park, a street. A SWAT truck full of rescuers passes Timmy 
               and the brunette and slows down to wheelchair speed. Kenny is 
               with them]
 
                                     HANSEN
                         It's alright, eveything's goin' tuh 
                         be fine.
 
                                     BRUNETTE
                         Oh my God!

                                     HANSEN
                          Alright, young man, when you get underneath 
                         that wheelchair, I want you to relay 
                         back to me with this walky-talky, and 
                         then I'll tell you which wires to cross. 
                         Ready?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yes, sir!)

                                     HANSEN
                         Go below! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Hi guys.)  (Uh oh.)  (Uff. I'm okay.) 
                          (I'm oKAAAYYYYYYY!!!) 
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, who didn't see that coming?

                                     BRUNETTE
                          Oh my God! Oh my God!

                                     HANSEN
                         Stay calm! You have to stay calm! 
 
                         
                                     BRUNETTE
                          But if we got off the chair it blows 
                         up!
 
                                     HANSEN
                         No no, that's only if the boy gets off.
 
                         
                                     BRUNETTE
                         Oh.  See ya!

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     PILOT
                         Ten seconds, Hansen!

                                     STAN
                         ...nine, eight...

                                     TIMMY
                          Please-a help me.

                                     PILOT
                         ...six, five...

                                     TIMMY
                         Please help me. Please help me.

                                     HANSEN
                         Got it! I think! Up, up! 

                                     TIMMY
                          Timmay! 

                                     NERD #1
                         Hey, it did work. 

               [South Park, a tall mountain not unlike the Matterhorn, next 
               day. Ms. Choksondik scales it, and reaches a plateau. Several 
               cats follow her up. She sees a cave and approaches it, then enters]
 
               
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Hello-oo-ooo.  Oh, what am I doing? 
                         I'm gonna get myself killed.  Is anyone 
                         here?  Mister? Mr. Garrison?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Who-? Who are you? What do you want?
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         I am the new fourth grade teacher. I've 
                         come to... seek your help.  Please. I 
                         don't know how to handle the new fourth 
                         graders. I've tried everything. I need 
                         to know how you taught them.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          No! No, I... haven't... taught in over... 
                         eight... months. 
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach 
                         these kids! You're my only hope!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Do you know what it is to be a teacher, 
                         Ms....?
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Choksondik.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No I don't!  IT'S A LIE! You see? That's 
                         what you get for bein' a teacher! You 
                         work and you work for the children and 
                         then people start rumors that you're 
                         gay even though you love poontang!
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Mr. Garrison, these children are depeding 
                         on me to give them a future. I can't 
                         do it without your guidance. Please! 
                         Help me, for them! For the future of 
                         our children!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         ...Two hundred bucks.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         ...Done.

               [The basement of the two college guys, after school. The boys 
               show up again. Much of the stuff that was in the baasement is 
               gone. Soon, it is shown that the second nerd has moved out]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Dude! You gotta build us another time 
                         machine!
 
                                     NERD #1
                         Huh? Oh... Can't.

                                     KYLE
                         What do you mean, "can't"?! You made 
                         it work; just build us another one!
 
                         
                                     NERD #1
                         I can't, because pizza-face isn't here! 
                         We're not on speaking terms! We got 
                         in a big fight and he moved all his 
                         stuff out!
 
                                     STAN
                         W-what did you get in a fight about?
 
                         
                                     NERD #1
                         There's 73 original Star Treks! He keeps 
                         saying there's 72!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, Jesus Christ! You've got to be kidding 
                         me!
 
                                     NERD #1
                         No! He actually thinks there's 72.!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, dude, can't you just build us 
                         another machine without him?
 
                                     NERD #1
                         No. Pizza-face took all his equipment 
                         home to his mom's. Now, if you can go 
                         over there and get him to admit that 
                         he's wrong...
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, come on, guys.  Man, I can't 
                         bellieve we have to do this while Timmy's 
                         already back in time!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Timmy's probably back in third 
                         grade right now living it up!
 
               [A tropical forest. Dinosaurs roam this land. A pteranodon flies 
               overhead as a triceratops chases Timmy]
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmah! Timmaaaaahhh!

               [South Park, the "Matterhorn," the plateau outside Garrison's 
               cave. Mr. Garrison walks around Ms. Choksondik as she balances 
               three books on each hand and one on her head while standing on 
               only her left foot.]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Alright, let's try it again.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         "Children, we are now going to do math 
                         problems."
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         "But teacher, I don't want to do my 
                         math problems."
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         "Uuh! Ah, you will do them or else you'll 
                         be in very big trouble!"
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         "Well, I'm not gong' to do it, teacher! 
                         You can just suck my balls!"
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         "Don't use that kind of language, young 
                         man!"
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         NOOO!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          No??

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Look, you can't counter a profane command 
                         with an idle threat! You must extingish 
                         it with a vulgar suggestion! When a 
                         child says, "Suck my balls," you say, 
                         "Present them."
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Oh.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, let's try it again.  SUCK MY BALLS!
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Pre-sent them?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Good.  Very good.  You're ready to 
                         move on to the next level. But I warn 
                         you: we will now be diving deep into 
                         your own psyche. These children know 
                         what scares you, and so we, too, must 
                         face those demons.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         I'm ready. I'm not afraid.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          You will be! You will be!  You wil 
                         be.
 
                                     STAN
                         God-damnit, this is ridiculous.

                                     NERD #2
                          What?!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, can you please just stop fighting 
                         with your friend and build another machine 
                         so we can travel back in time to the 
                         third grade?
 
                                     NERD #2
                         Look! There aern't 73 episodes of Star 
                         Trek, there are 72! "The Menagerie" 
                         was a 2-parter that counts as one episode! 
                         Pizza-face is wrong!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who the hell cares?!

                                     NERD #2
                         I know! Why does he have to be such 
                         a dick about it?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wouldn't it be better to just agree 
                         with him and forget the whole thing?
 
                         
                                     NERD #2
                         No, because he's WRONG!

                                     KYLE
                         Look. You guys built a machine together 
                         that can bend time. If you'll just agree 
                         with him, you can build another one 
                         and usher in a whole new era of science!
 
                         
                                     NERD #2
                         And live in a world of 72 original Star 
                         Treks? I don't think so! I don't want 
                         to live in that world. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God, these guys are such geek dumbasses!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I know.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeh-hah. They don't even realize that 
                         "The Menagerie" originally was the pilot 
                         and later got split up into two episodes, 
                         eh ha ha. Ha ha.  Hahahaha, eh the, 
                         eh the dumbasses.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wiait a minute! I've got it. 

                                     NERD #2
                          What?!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, if you guys build another time 
                         machine, you can travel back in time 
                         and ask the creator of Star Trek how 
                         many episodes there were!
 
                                     NERD #2
                          Dude, Jesus, you're right.

               [South Park, the "Matterhorn." Mr. Garrison takes Ms. Choksondik 
               to a gnarled, giant willow tree on a mountainside forest]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         This is it: The Tree of Insight. You 
                         must go in and face what lives inside.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         What lives inside?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hel if I know. I wouldn't go in there.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Oh, alrighty.  What the? Why there's 
                         nothng in here but an exit to the other 
                         side!  There's nothing in here at all. 
                         ...Oh, and I actually thought my mental 
                         demons would be in here.  Wait a minute. 
                         Maybe there's not supposed to be anythng 
                         in here. Maybe I'm supposed to see that 
                         I alone do have the strength to reach 
                         the kids!  I think I get it now! 
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Hey, hurry up in there!  Jesus.  You're 
                         taking too long in the damn Tree of 
                         Insight!  You in there?!  Hey, where 
                         the hell did she go?  What the?  Haaa! 
                         Who? Who are you?
 
                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                          I am you.  I am your gay side.

                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         My gay side, uh- I DON'T HAVE A GAY 
                         SIDE!!!
 
                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         You must face me at last. 

               [South Park, the "Matterhorn," moments later...]

                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         You aren't real! You can't be!

                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         It is me, your darkest fear. Your gay 
                         self, incarnate.
 
                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         What do you want?

                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         I want you to not fight me anymore. 
                         To accept me, once and for all.
 
                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         Why?

                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         Don't you see?  All these years, your 
                         pain, your confusion, it comes from 
                         one place. Your denial of who you are. 
                          Of who... we are.
 
                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         But I'm not gay! Everyone just thinks 
                         I am!
 
                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         Oh, stop it! What about the time you 
                         looked at Counselor Mackey's penis in 
                         the men's locker room?!
 
                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         I was just comparing size!

                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         For seven minutes?!

                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         Aaa! 

                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         And what about the time you masturbated 
                         to the men's 100-meter swimming relay 
                         at the Olympics?!
 
                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         I was beating off to the chicks!

                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         THERE WERE NO CHICKS!

                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         OH, DAMN YOU SPIRIT! HAUNT ME NO LONGER!
 
                         
                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         ADMIT IT!

                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         NO!!!

                                     CLEAN GARRISON
                         YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND 
                         GET A G-
 
                                     UNKEMPT GARRISON
                         ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I ADMIT IT! I'M GAY!!! 
                          I'm...gay. I'm gay!  I am gay! You hear 
                         that everyone?  I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm 
                         gay and it...  and it feels good.
 
               [South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, a few days 
               later. Where the chalkboard used to be are just some boards hastily 
               put up, along with a DO NOT CROSS line and three safety cones 
               to guard this makeshift board.]
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Alright, children, I hope you all did 
                         your-  Oowhat is going on now?! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Haha, Teacher, we're traveling back 
                         in time to third grade!-God-damnit you 
                         guys, you seriously said this time you'd 
                         snap into it with me.
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Oh Good Gravy, not this again.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes! We've had a new time maching built: 
                         this one out of a simple microwave oven 
                         and a duck  Au revoir, teacher! Perheps 
                         we shall see you in the past, hahaa. 
                         Gentlemen? 
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Children, I will have order!!

                                     NERD #1
                         I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to 
                         tell you how WRONG you are! Just like 
                         when you said there were no two-parters 
                         of Battlestar Galactica!
 
                                     NERD #2
                         There WEREN'T!

                                     NERD #1
                         The episode called "Gonzo on Ice Planet 
                         Zero" was a two-parter.
 
                                     NERD #2
                         No it WASN'T!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, son of a bitch!

                                     NERD #1
                         I'll kill you! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         There it is! Come on, everybody! 

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Children, get back into your seats!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No way, lady!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Eric, I mean it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You can suck my balls!

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                          Present them. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...What?

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         You said, "suck my balls." Well, go 
                         ahead. Whip 'em out, and I'll suck 'em.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Thah... That's what Mr. Garrison would've 
                         said.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Touché, teacher. Touché.

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Now, children, listen to me. Why do 
                         you want to go back in time? Life isn't 
                         about going back, it's about going forward. 
                         Yes, there are times in our life that 
                         we wish we could relive, but, if we 
                         already lived them perfectly, why live 
                         them again? The adventure of life is 
                         that there's always something new. New 
                         challenges, new experiences. A fun game 
                         is a game that gets harder as it goes. 
                         So it is with life. Do you understand?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude. Sh-she's right.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. And you know, now that I think 
                         about it, third grade wasn't all that 
                         great, either.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Third grade sucked! Cartman, why 
                         the hell did you try to make us think 
                         third grad was so great?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! You suck, Cartman! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What??

                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Alright, students, that will be quite 
                         enough! If you're ready, let's continue 
                         on... with the fourth grade. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         AAAAAAA! 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, Timmy's back!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, it looks like he's been all over 
                         time! He must have such cool stuff to 
                         tell us.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Eh, Timmih.

               [South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Chef talks with Mr. 
               Mackey and Principal Victoria]
 
                                     CHEF
                         You know I'm always here to help, Principal 
                         Victoria. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Ey, guess what everybody?! I'M GAY!!! 
                         
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Mr. Garrison?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         What?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
 
                         
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         You admit it? You admit it! 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison. You've 
                         finally come to terms with yourself!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Yeah, it feels really good!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, congratulations!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeah, congratulations!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You know, I, I feel like I can start 
                         anew. If it's alright with you, I'd 
                         like to go back to teaching the third 
                         grade!
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh. I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people. 
                         
 
               THE END

4th Grade



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy