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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 612


                                 "A LADDER TO HEAVEN"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





                                     LOLLY
                          Oh, hello there, kids! Welcome to Lolly's 
                         Candy Shop.
 
                                     STAN
                         We're the kids whose names you called 
                         on your commercial last night. We're 
                         here to do the shopping spree!
 
                                     LOLLY
                         Oh that's great!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You bet your fat clown ass it is!

                                     LOLLY
                         Okay! Well I'll just need your ticket 
                         stub.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          ...ticket stub?

                                     LOLLY
                         Well you know. When you entered the 
                         contest you got the other half of this 
                         ticket. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh shit. Who had the ticket stub??
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         It was such a long time ago!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wu-we don't "really" need the ticket 
                         stub, do we?
 
                                     LOLLY
                         Don't need the ticket stub?? Are you 
                         high?? How else do I know you're the 
                         winners?
 
                                     STAN
                         Because our names were called on the 
                         commercial last night!
 
                                     LOLLY
                         Sh-orry boys. No ticket stub, no candy 
                         shopping spree. If you find it, you 
                         can come back, but you only have one 
                         week to claim the prize. That's called 
                         "The Ticking Clock." Works great in 
                         the movies. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          GODDAMNIT!!!

                                     STAN
                         We're gotta find that ticket!

                                     KYLE
                         Which one of us took it?! It was so 
                         long ago, I c- I can't remember.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys we've got to focus! We've got 
                         to focus, and remember. 
 
               [Lolly's Candy Factory, over a year ago. Kenny is still alive 
               back then.]
 
                                     LOLLY
                          All right. There you go. Hold on to 
                         that ticket stub. You'll need it to 
                         claim your prize.  Shign up for the 
                         five-minute shopping spree!! 
 
                                     STAN
                          You hold on to this, Cartman. I might 
                         lose it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep 
                         track of it, Kyle.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay.  N-no, ah I don't want that much 
                         responsibility. Here, you hold on to 
                         it, Kenny. 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Okay.) 

               [back to the present. The boys realize Kenny was the last to 
               hold the stub as their mouths open.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Kenny!!!

                                     STAN, KYLE
                          AAAHHH!! 

               [Kenny's house, later. The boys arrive gasping for air and Kyle 
               rings the doorbell.]
 
                                     STUART
                          Yes?

                                     STAN
                         Where's Kenny??

                                     STUART
                         Uh... boys... Kenny died ...last December. 
                         Don't you remember?
 
                                     KYLE
                         We know he's dead. We mean, where is 
                         his body??
 
                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         His body? Well, why??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Because he has the God-damned ticket 
                         for the-!
 
                                     STAN
                          Uh, look. We just really miss our friend 
                         and, ah, andand we need to see his remains 
                         for closure.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Closure.

                                     CARTMAN
                          What the fuck is closure?!

                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         Oh all right boys. Come on in. 

               [Kenny's house, inside. The boys follow the parents through the 
               house]
 
                                     STUART
                         We haven't seen you boys for so long, 
                         we thought you'd forgotten all about 
                         him.
 
                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You turned him into a teapot?

                                     STUART
                         No. That's an urn, boys. Kenny's inside 
                         it.
 
                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         Your friends are here to see you, Kenny. 
                          They miss you an awful lot, like we 
                         all do. 
 
                                     STUART
                         Thang-thanks for coming by, boys. Ih-ih, 
                         it means a lot to us.  Aw now, honey. 
                         
 
               [Kenny's house, nighttime, living room. A circle appears on a 
               window and that piece of window is removed. Cartman sets the 
               circle down and looks around. He reaches up to open the window 
               latch, then opens the window door. He slips in and goes for the 
               urn. He pulls out a fake detector and moves it around]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wewewewewewe...

                                     STAN
                          Did you get it? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards. 
                          Wewewewewewe...
 
                                     KYLE
                         There's not gonna be any robot guards, 
                         retard! Just get Kenny! 
 
                                     ROBOT GUARD
                         Wewewewewewe...

               [Cartman's house, night, kitchen. The boys rush to the counter 
               and climb up on the stools]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Alright, we made it!

                                     STAN
                         Kenny'd better have the ticket stub 
                         with him in there!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Let him out, Cartman! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Kenny?  Kenny?!

                                     KYLE
                         Is he in there?

                                     STAN
                         I can't see. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is this?! Chocolate milk 
                         mix?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that tea 
                         pot! 
 
                                     STAN
                         It wa a trick!

                                     CARTMAN
                         God-damnit! This isn't even GOOD chocolate 
                         milk mix!
 
                                     STAN
                         Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty 
                         hard about now! We're dumb enough to 
                         believe Kenny's body could be in a teapot!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Why would they play such a cruel joke 
                         on us?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Egh, because they're poor, Kyle! Poor 
                         people don't have anything better to 
                         do than piss other people off! Don't 
                         you watch Springer?!
 
                                     STAN
                         We just have to face it. We're not gonna 
                         get Kenny back and we're not goona have 
                         our shopping spree. It's over! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit! There has to be a way! 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hmmm.  Hmm, not bad. 

               [Cartman's room, night. The empty glass sits on his nightstand. 
               The camera zooms out to show Cartman sleeping with Clyde Frog. 
               Cartman tosses in his bed and his dream appears. A circle appears. 
               Outisde of the circle is a lining to a jacket. Inside is someone's 
               point of view. The surroundings seen in that circle indicates 
               that this is Kenny's point of view. Kenny seems to be walking 
               around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, 
               and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.]
 
                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late 
                         for school! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Huh! ... I don't think that chocolate 
                         milk mix agreed with my stomach. 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, come on!

                                     CARTMAN
                          What what?  Jesus, you buttholes! It's 
                         six in the morning!
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle figured out a way to get our winning 
                         ticket stub back from Kenny!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How?

                                     KYLE
                         A ladder to heaven.  We build it, climb 
                         up, and get our winning ticket back 
                         from that asshole Kenny.
 
               [Stan's house, day. The blueprints are in place on an easel. 
               The design is a slender tower rising some 120 feet into the sky. 
               The camera pulls back to show the boys hammering boards into 
               place. Stan's parents step outside to see the construction.]
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse 
                         you should start with the floor.
 
                                     STAN
                          We're not building a clubhouse, we're 
                         building a ladder to heaven.
 
                                     RANDY
                         A ladder to heaven? Why, son?

                                     STAN
                         Because we wanna see Kenny again. 
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          Oh... oh, that's so sweet.

                                     RANDY
                         That's the ...s-s-saddest thing I've 
                         ever heard.
 
                                     JIMBO
                          Hey Randy, can I borrow your uh... 
                          What the hell are they doing?
 
                                     RANDY
                         The boys wanna see their dead friend 
                         Kenny again, Jimbo, so they're... building 
                         a ladder to heaven.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Awwww.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Kyle, I think you've bothered the Marshes 
                         enough.
 
                                     RANDY
                         No, it's... alright, Sheila. The boys 
                         were just... building a ladder to heaven 
                         to see their old friend, Kenny.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         A ladder tuh... Oh... oh God. 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, that's so touching. 

               [Behind Stan's house, day. A reporter has arrived and now begins 
               his report]
 
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, 
                         where last December, eight-year-old 
                         Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness. 
                         But now, that little boy's three closest 
                         friends miss their friend so much that 
                         they are building a ladder to heaven, 
                         in order to-  a ladder to heaven in 
                         order to try to see him again.  It's 
                         so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom. Here's 
                         what some people had to say.
 
                                     RANDY MARSH
                         Well, our son just said to us that he 
                         really needed to see his little friend 
                         Kenny again and... and that he thought 
                         it would work...  if he... built the 
                         ladder to heaven.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          They just believe in their little hearts 
                         that it will work. We can't tell them 
                         it won't, we just can't!
 
                                     JIMBO
                          It shows how beautiful the innocence 
                         of a child really is. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         A ladder to heaven? That's fuckin' stupid.
 
                         
                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                          These boys symbolize how we all feel 
                         about loss. Who are we to tell them 
                         it's impossible?
 
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, people from all over the-  Sorry. 
                          People from all over the country are 
                         coming to see the ladder, feeling a 
                         connection to its symbolism, and beauty. 
                         Even country singer Alan Jackson has 
                         shown up with a song he has written 
                         about the ladder.  Alan Jackson is, 
                         of course, the man who wrote the song, 
                         "Where Were You When the World Stopped 
                         Turning," about the tragedies on September 
                         11. And now he's here once again to 
                         capitalize on people's emotions. Let's 
                         listen in. 
 
                                     ALAN JACKSON
                         Where were you when they built the ladder 
                         to heaven?
 
               Did it make you feel like cryin', or did you think it was kind 
               of gay?
 
                                     TOWNSMAN
                         What a beautiful song. 

                                     ALAN JACKSON
                         Well I, for one, believe in the ladder 
                         to heaven.
 
               Oh yeah yeah yeah. 9-11 [the townsfolk begin to cry]

               I said 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, Ni-hi, hi-hine___

               Eleven. [the song ends]

               Thank you! I have a new CD out with all my 9-11 songs for sale 
               right here! [the crowd rushes in to get copies of the CD. Jackson 
               is pleased at the interest. The boys resume their construction. 
               Stan and Kyle are hammering away at the top of the ladder. Cartman 
               hustles up the ladder with a car seat]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh good! Cartman's back from the junkyard.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's 
                         car. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Mr. Garrison threw away his car?

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...No.  Ey! Euuugh.

               [Flashback #2 - resumes where the first one left off. Kenny seems 
               to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and 
               opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.]
 
               
                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late 
                         for school! 
 
                                     STUART
                         Kenny, do you by any chance know what 
                         happened to my Playboys?  Kenny?! Answer 
                         me!! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman? Cartman?!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Wha-uh, what?? What?

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know. It's like my brain just 
                         keeps... jacking off.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Maybe you got brain cancer.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Do you think?

                                     STAN
                         Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! 
                         You're gonna fall off and break it!
 
                         
               [SNN newscast. Graphics are shown indicating 74% of Americans 
               believe in the ladder]
 
                                     SNN REPORTER
                         The nation is rallying behind three 
                         sweet boys in Colorado who are building 
                         a ladder to heaven to be with their 
                         dead friend.  It's making Americans 
                         start to believe in heaven, again. 
 
                         
                                     WOMAN 1
                         Well when I see how this ladder has 
                         brought people together, how... how 
                         it has changed America, I mean, how 
                         can I not believe?
 
                                     SNN REPORTER
                          Ha do YOU actually believe in the ladder 
                         to heaven?
 
                                     FAT MAN
                         If... heaven is an eight-year-old boy, 
                         and the ladder is my penis...  and the 
                         pearly gates are the- 
 
                                     SNN REPORTER
                         Uh, meanwhile, the American economy 
                         cont-  wait. Wait. Wait a minute. We 
                         are getting reports now that Ja-pan 
                         is building their own ladder to heaven 
                         to compete with the US's's. Let's go 
                         live to SNN correspondent Nobuhiro Sabasurisurijuwa.
 
                         
                                     SNN CORRESPONDENT
                         This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting 
                         rive from Tokyo, where Japan has started 
                         buirding its own radder to hayben.  
                         Ahready, the Japanese radder extend 
                         faaar into space  and it's growing by 
                         a-one thousand miles every day.  As 
                         the endeavor continues it is becoing 
                         clear that Japan will reach a-hayben 
                         before the United States. 
 
               [South Park, just past sunset. The neighbors have gathered around 
               the ladder in Stan's back yard and are now singing]
 
                                     NEIGHBORS
                         Nahurabo Nahurabo

                                     STAN
                         Excuse me.  Excuse me!  Uh, we ran out 
                         of stuff.  We ran out of stuff to build 
                         theh ladder with.
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Oh no!

                                     WOMAN 2
                         Oh Jesus, no!

                                     ALAN JACKSON
                         Where were you when they ran out of 
                         stuff to build the ladder to heaven?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We can keep going, but we need to start 
                         tearing down houses for wood.
 
                                     RANDY
                          No! Agh, look, I, I think maybe this 
                         has gone on far enough.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah... Ih it's time we told the boys 
                         the truth, that they aren't really going 
                         to get to heaven. 
 
                                     MAN 2
                          Wait! Look! 

                                     GENERAL
                         We've come to help you beat those Japs, 
                         boys!  There won't be anyone stopping 
                         this great ladder from being built today! 
                          Alpha Team! Get that support structure 
                         up! Ciranom's Team! Get us photos and 
                         recon! 
 
                                     SOLDIERS
                         Yes sir!

                                     ALAN JACKSON
                         Where were you when they saved that 
                         ladder to heaven?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Man, I can't believe how much people 
                         want us to get our winning ticket back.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Candy-shopping sprees have that effect 
                         on people, Kyle.
 
               [South Park, next day. The boys resume building the ladder, and 
               they almost break through the cloud above them. Stan is the first 
               to peer over the clouds. Kyle soon joins him.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you see anything?

                                     STAN
                         No. Hello?? Kenny?? God??

                                     KYLE
                         Grandma??

                                     CARTMAN
                          Aw, don't tell me we haven't even reached 
                         the cloud city yet!
 
                                     STAN
                         No cloud city, not even a giant. Heaven 
                         must still be a long way off.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, look. I didn't wanna have to 
                         say this, but I think maybe we're not 
                         seeing heaven because one of us doesn't 
                         believe in it enough.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heaven could be like the pixie faeries 
                         of Bubble Yum Forest. You only see them 
                         if you really believe in them.
 
                                     STAN
                         What??

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven 
                         because one of us is a J-O-O.
 
                                     KYLE
                          What does me being a Jew have to do 
                         with anything?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Because Jews don't believe in heaven!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yes we do! Just not the Christian heaven!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Right. Your idea of heaven is getting 
                         five dollars off your matzah ball soup 
                         at Barney's Beanery by lying about a 
                         hair in it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         HAAHH!!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         AH! 

               [Flashback #2 - Kenny arrives at the bus stop.]

                                     KYLE
                         Hey Kenny.

                                     STAN
                         Hey Kenny.

                                     KENNY
                         (Hey you guys. What's goin' on, man?)
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He was 
                         born where hungry children cry, kickin', 
                         his whole family resides in the ghetto, 
                         in the ghetto
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching 
                         vagina!)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What did you say?!

                                     KENNY
                         (I said, Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching 
                         vagina!)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What did you say?!

                                     CARTMAN
                          I said "Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching 
                         vagina!"  Did I just call myself a blood-belching 
                         vagina?
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, what the hell is wrong with you??
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I dunno, I just, I keep feeling like 
                         I'm Kenny. Seeing memories through his 
                         eyes.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You're too fat to be Kenny.

                                     CARTMAN
                          You're a- stupid Jew.

                                     STAN
                         Let's just keep building. We only have 
                         five more days until the shopping spree.
 
                         
               [The White House, Washington D.C., moments later. George Bush 
               arrives at the Oval Office and takes his seat at the executive 
               desk]
 
                                     BUSH
                         Alright, how's the ladder going, General? 
                         Are we beating the Japanese.
 
                                     GENERAL
                         Not quite, but we have a new problem, 
                         Mr. President. Our recon team on the 
                         ladder just found new evidence of threats... 
                         from Saddam Hussein.
 
                                     BUSH
                         Saddam Hussein? But... we killed him! 
                         We secretly took him out months ago!
 
                         
                                     GENERAL
                         Yes sir. And now we believe he's building 
                         weapons of mass destruction... in heaven.
 
                         
                                     BUSH
                         Dear Christ, that sonofabitch just doesn't 
                         stop!
 
                                     GENERAL
                          These surveillance photos were taken 
                         atop the ladder of what appears to be 
                         heaven.  Here we see what we believe 
                         to be a missile silo. And here  we see 
                         what looks like a laboratory of some 
                         sort for making chemical weapons.
 
                         
                                     DICK CHENEY
                         That... kinda looks like a seagull.
 
                         
                                     GENERAL
                         Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised 
                         as a seagull.
 
                                     BUSH
                         That tricky bastard!

                                     GENERAL
                         Sir, you must understand our fears. 
                         We must take out those facilities. We 
                         must...  bomb heaven!
 
               [SNN newsroom, new poll]

                                     SNN REPORTER
                         SNN Question of the Day: Now that Americans 
                         believe in heaven, should we bomb it? 
                         The polls right now show that 51% of 
                         Americans think Saddam has to be dealt 
                         with, while 49% are wimpy tree-hugging 
                         pussies.
 
                                     WAR PROTESTER
                          War is not my voice! This country is 
                         just run by rednecks and bumpkins with 
                         their guns!
 
                                     REDNECK
                          We have to take Saddam out to protect 
                         ourselves.
 
                                     FAT MAN
                         I, for one, believe that if Saddam Hussein 
                         were an eight-year-old boy, and my penis 
                         were the United States...  then there 
                         would-  hard nipples!
 
                                     SNN REPORTER
                          God-damnit! 

               [News 4 field report]

                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         Tom, it's been five days since three 
                         sweet boys set out to build a ladder 
                         to heaven and caption the nation's hearts. 
                         They've made a nation believe heaven 
                         might be up there. And it could prove 
                         to be a threat to our country. President 
                         Bush will seek UN approval for military 
                         action.
 
               [The Marsh home, day. The boys' ladder is seen rising above the 
               house, in the backyard. In the dining room, the boys' parents 
               sit opposite the boys at the table.]
 
                                     RANDY
                         Boys, it's really neat that you want 
                         to see your old pal Kenny so much but...
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         But it's time for you to get back to 
                         school and on with your lives.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, we have to see Kenny!

                                     SHARON
                         You have to understand that Kenny's 
                         body isn't up in the clouds. He was 
                         cremated.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cremated? What's that?

                                     RANDY
                         When you die, your body is put into 
                         a broiling oven and cooked until you're 
                         nothing but ashes. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?? For God's sake, why??

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, it's just what some people do.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Are you gonna burn me?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, that's not the issue right now.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Jesus Christ!

                                     RANDY
                         The person's ashes are put into an urn, 
                         and that's where Kenny's body is.
 
                         
                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         You see boys, Kenny is in here.  What 
                         the???  Wait a minute! This is kitty 
                         litter!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright, alright, I drank the chocolate 
                         milk mix and replaced it with kitty 
                         litter.
 
                                     STUART
                         You WHAT??

                                     STAN
                         Dude, don't you know what this means? 
                         You drank Kenny!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Shut up!

                                     KYLE
                         You did, dude! You drank his whole body!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Shut up!

                                     KENNY'S MOM
                         Oh my God! This is awful!  And disgusting!
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                          Bad, Eric, bad! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         That explains it. Why I'm having Kenny's 
                         memories all the time. His soul is inside 
                         me.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, so much for our winning ticket. 
                         Cartman probably drank that with the 
                         rest of Kenny! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. Good job, fatass! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can't live like this. I, I have to 
                         find a place where they remove living 
                         souls from your body.
 
               [Day, Unplanned Parenthood, a place where they remove living 
               souls from a pregnant woman's body, if you believe fetuses have 
               souls... Cartman speaks to the nurse, who is sitting behind a 
               desk writing absentmindedly]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Looks like I've come to the right place.
 
                         
                                     NURSE
                         Can I help you?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, hello. I have a living thing inside 
                         of me that needs to be sucked out, please.
 
                         
                                     NURSE
                         You'll have to make an appointment; 
                         the charge is two hundred and thirty 
                         dollars.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Two hundred and thirty dollars?? I just 
                         want you to vacuum him out of me and 
                         not put him up in a condominium! 
 
                         
                                     BOYFRIEND
                         It's gonna be okay, babe.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Listen, lady! You've got to get this 
                         crap out of me!  I don't want him in 
                         me anymore! Just suck him up and throw 
                         him out!
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Oh Steven, I can't go through with this! 
                         I have to keep it! 
 
                                     STEVEN
                         Damnit! Damnit!  Thanks a lot, kid! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! 

               [The scene is the sidewalk. Stan, Cartman and Kyle run up to 
               Kenny]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny! Kenny!

                                     STAN
                         Kenny! Lolly's Candy Land is giving 
                         away a shopping spree! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're all gonna pitch in on an entry! 
                         
 
                                     LOLLY
                          There you go. Hold on to that ticket 
                         stub. 
 
                                     STAN
                          You hold on to this, Cartman. I might 
                         lose it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep 
                         track of it, Kyle.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay.  N-no, ah I don't want that much 
                         responsibility. Here, you hold on to 
                         it, Kenny. 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Okay.) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You'd better not lose that ticket, Kenny, 
                         or else I'll kick you in the nuts! The 
                         nuts! The nuts! 
 
               [Back to the present. Cartman comes to and knows where to go]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         The ticket! Kenny didn't have it on 
                         him when he died! He put it away somewhere! 
                          Don't you see? I can still have my 
                         candy shopping spree! Oh my God!  You 
                         guys! YOU GUYS!!
 
               [The United Nations, day. In the main hall President Bush is 
               speaking to the Assembly]
 
                                     BUSH
                         Ladies and gentlemen of the UN, we have 
                         evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there 
                         building weapons of mass destruction. 
                          We have tried to communicate with Saddam 
                         through a psychic to ask him to let 
                         us see his warehouses in heaven. But 
                         he has not responded.
 
                                     INDIAN AMBASSADOR
                         Of course he has not responded, because 
                         he's DEAD!
 
                                     BUSH
                         Right. Dead, and in heaven.

                                     ANOTHER AMBASSADOR
                         This is preposterous! Even if there 
                         was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam 
                         Hussein's soul would be sent there?
 
                         
                                     BUSH
                         Our intelligence tells us that when 
                         Saddam was originally killed, his soul 
                         actually went to hell. But while in 
                         hell he began a homosexual relationship 
                         with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. 
                         Satan, however, decided he didn't want 
                         to be with Hussein anymore and broke 
                         up with him about August.  When Saddam 
                         became jealous and tried to kill Satan's 
                         new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent 
                         to heaven to live with Mormons as a 
                         punishment.  Question?  Yes?
 
                                     ANOTHER AMBASSADOR
                         Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?
 
                         
                                     BUSH
                         I assure you, I am not high.

               [South Park, day. A tower has gone up around the ladder at the 
               Marsh house. Helicopters and cranes hoist. On the ground Stan 
               and Kyle sit on some lumber watching the military take over the 
               construction. Cartman runs up to them]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         What do you mean, fatass?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I just had another vision, you buttholes. 
                         Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him, 
                         he put it away somewhere.
 
                                     STAN
                         Where??

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know. I got conked in the head 
                         down at the abortion clinic  and I clearly 
                         saw Kenny putting the ticket in a little 
                         red box.  I just have to wait for another 
                         vision to come. I could clearly see 
                         through Ken-  AY! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you see anything?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, Kyle. I see a DEAD JEW! 

                                     STAN
                         Whoawhoawhoa! Maybe Kyle's right. We 
                         gotta spark the vision somehow.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Not by giving me brain damage!

                                     STAN
                         Do you want a candy shopping spree or 
                         not?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright, go ahead.  AY!... no.  AY!...
 
                         
               [Near the back of the house. The neighbors are watchng the construction. 
               Sharon and Sheila arrive]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Randy! Gerald! We, we were wrong about 
                         heaven! The Japanese just reached it 
                         with their ladder!
 
                                     RANDY
                         What? 

               [Living room, seconds later]

                                     SHARON
                         See for yourself!

               [the SNN Japanese correspondent is on camera]

                                     SNN CORRESPONDENT
                         This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting 
                         rive from hayben.  The great a-nation 
                         of Japan reached a-hayben today about 
                         eight o'crock Pacific Standard Time-eh. 
                          Therefore hayben is now a-decrared 
                         an official part of Japan, because we 
                         got a-here first. And now for the weather 
                         in heaben, let's go to Natsako Semu.
 
                         
                                     NATSAKO SEMU
                         Todeh weather in hebon, partry croudy.
 
                         
                                     NOBUNAGA
                          That's the news from heben.  Dame! 
                         Dame da! Bakayarou da!! 
 
               [Living room, seconds later]

                                     RANDY
                         Oh God, and we told our boys they'd 
                         never reach heaven.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kids!

               [Backyard. The crowd in and around the yard is immense now. George 
               Bush and his staff are present]
 
                                     BUSH
                         Good. As soon as the boys finish their 
                         ladder we'll be ready to take Saddam 
                         out.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Do you really think this is a good idea, 
                         Randy?
 
                                     RANDY
                         If Saddam is building weapons, we have 
                         to stop him. With our weapons. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Ah, excuse me everyone! Uh, we're not 
                         working on the ladder anymore. Thank 
                         you, we're done. 
 
                                     SOME GUY
                         Dude.

                                     GEORGE BUSH
                         Not working on the ladder? But the Japanese 
                         won't let us use theirs.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Kenny didn't have the ticket stub. It 
                         was in his room. So we got all our candy, 
                         and you can all go home.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Wait, are you saying that you boys only 
                         wanted to build a ladder to heaven so 
                         you could get some candy??
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...I've never heard the words "only" 
                         and "candy" in the same sentence before.
 
                         
                                     FIELD REPORTER
                         But... what about yoru lost friend? 
                         What about your fragile innocence and 
                         believing we could all get to heaven?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, well people make us kids believe 
                         that heaven is this white place with 
                         fluffy clouds and angels...
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but now we think maybe heaven 
                         isn't a place you can get to, maybe 
                         heaven is just an idea. A frame of mind 
                         or, or something gay like that. Maybe 
                         heaven... is this moment, right now.
 
                         
                                     GENERAL
                         So, you're saying we should bomb this 
                         moment, right now. Right! Johnson!
 
                         
                                     JOHNSON
                         Sir!

                                     RANDY
                         No, no. We shouldn't bomb anybody. These 
                         boys are right. The only heaven we can 
                         hope for is one here on earth, now. 
                         We should stop waiting to get into heaven 
                         and start trying to... create it.
 
                         
                                     CROWD
                         Awwww. 

                                     BUSH
                          And I was dumb enough to believe Saddam 
                         could actually be up there buildin' 
                         bombs.
 
                                     ALAN JACKSON
                         Where were you when they decided heaven 
                         was a more intangible idea 'n you couldn't, 
                         you couldn't really get there?
 
               [walks up to the boys] You little bastards ruined my latest song! 
               [drives his guitar into the snow, breaking it, then walks away]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Well, I'm sure glad this is all over 
                         with. Let's go count our candy.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. But what about Kenny. His soul 
                         is still in Cartman's body.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          No no, I just drank his memories. I'm 
                         not sharing my body with that poor piece 
                         of crap. Stop calling me poor, you fat 
                         dick!  ...Oh Jesus Christ.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Whoa.  Kenny, you in there?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stop it! Where am I, you guys? Oh God! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, come back here! 

                                     KYLE
                         Stop him, Kenny! 

               [Heaven. Weapons of mass destruction are seen among the clouds. 
               Saddam is right there shouting directions]
 
                                     SADDAM HUSSEIN
                         Keep those nitrogen capsules over there 
                         by the warheads! Right. Chop-chop. Come 
                         on!
 
                                     GOD
                          Saddam. I've been hearing rumors that 
                         you're secretly building weapons of 
                         mass destruction up here.
 
                                     SADDAM HUSSEIN
                         Weapons of mass destruction? Nooo! This 
                         is a chocolate chip factory. See? 
 
                         
                                     GOD
                         It looks like a chemical weapons plant.
 
                         
                                     SADDAM HUSSEIN
                         Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build 
                         a chemical weapons plant, I wouldn't 
                         make it look like a chemical weapons 
                         plant, would I? I'd make it look like 
                         a chocolate chip factory or something.
 
                         
                                     GOD
                         ...Alright, just checking. 

                                     SADDAM HUSSEIN
                          Stupid asshole! 

               THE END

A Ladder To Heaven



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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