"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 417
"A VERY CRAPPY CHRISTMAS"
Written by
Trey Parker
[Kyle's house, night. The Happy Chanukah sign is up and it is
snowing.]
[Kyle's house, night, bathroom. The toilet is seen and on it
are a glass and a plate of chocolate-chip cookies. Kyle sits
in his pajamas underneath a window and next to a night stand
and candle opposite the toilet bowl, and holding a small flag
which reads,
WELCOME
MR. HANKEY
Ike walks in and towards the food]
KYLE
He's gonna be here any minute, Ike.
IKE
Oooh nooo, poopies.
KYLE
Heee might not come if you're too close
to the toilet bowl, Ike. Come sit by
me.
KYLE'S MOTHER
It's getting late, boys. Why don't
you come on up to bed.
KYLE
Just let us stay up a little longer,
mom. Mr. Hankey's gotta show up. He
always does.
KYLE'S MOTHER
Alright, bubbe. Oh, and boys? Happy
Chanukah.
KYLE
Happy Chanukah, Mom.
[Kyle's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" plays]
IKE
Ayaaa ta. Weee! Weee...
KYLE
Go away!
[The ant scurries away. At length, the candle burns down to the
plate and goes out. Kyle and Ike are both asleep. Sheila and
Gerald look in once again and find the boys asleep. Sheila picks
up Ike and Gerald picks up Kyle and take them to their respective
rooms. Kyle is then seen asleep in his room. He opens and blinks
his eyes, then gasps and sits up. He rushes out of bed and into
the restroom, only to find an empty plate and glass. He thinks
Mr. Hankey has been by, until he notices something on the floor
to the left of the toilet. A look of dismay comes over his face.
It's the ant he sees, now bloated and content. Kyle goes to make
a phone call.]
[Stan's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" continues]
STAN
A-ah huh.
KYLE
Stan! Go get the other guys and tell
them to meet me at the bos stop in ten
minutes!
STAN
Ho-o-oh.
[South Park, night, bus stop. Kyle, with flashlight and crow
bar, is waiting as the others arrive. Kenny arrives in coat,
hood, and undies. Cartman in pajamas, cap and coat, and Stan
fully dressed, but with his cap askew. A lock of hair is seen]
KYLE
Okay, good. You're all here.
STAN
What is this all about, Kyle?
KYLE
It's Mr. Hankey! He hasn't shown up
yet.
CARTMAN
Aw, Jesus Christ! I'm going back to
bed.
KYLE
It's only three days until Christmas,
you guys! You know how bad thins have
been around here. I think it might be
because Mr. Hankey hasn't come.
CARTMAN
Kyle, I have a full day of watching
TV tomorrow. I don't have time to go
on a poo hunt right now, okay?
KYLE
If you guys want thre to be a Christmas,
you'd better come help me!
[South Park, night, city streets. Snow is still falling, but
a manhole cover has been lifted and set aside. Down below, in
the sewer, the boys walk in the muck looking for Mr. Hankey's
home]
CARTMAN
Heh-tchoo!
KYLE
Dude, you sneezed on my back!
CARTMAN
Oh, sorry, you might get some germs
while you're walking around in human
feces!
KYLE
Hey, look. Hello?
MR. HANKEY
Hoowwddyy ho!
KYLE
...Mr. Hankey! Hoh, we were so worried!
I was weiting up for you and you didn't
come, so I thought that-
MR. HANKEY
Oh, no I'm fine, Kyle.
KYLE
But where have you been? Things aren't
the same without you. Nobody seems to
have the Christmas spirit.
MR. HANKEY
I know, Kyle. I've just been awfully
busy with my family. Honey!
CARTMAN
Family?
MR. HANKEY
Boys, I want you to meet my wife. Autumn.
AUTUMN
Howdy-hey kids! Would you like a drink?
MR. HANKEY
They're too young to drink, honey.
AUTUMN
Hey haa, it's Christmas!
MR. HANKEY
Come. You have to meet the little nuggets,
too. Kids! This is our son, Cornwallis.
CORNWALLIS
Hoowwdy Ho!
MR. HANKEY
Our daughter Amber.
AMBER
Hoowwdy Ho!
MR. HANKEY
And our son, Simon.
SIIMON
Eee, hey! Hnhn.
MR. HANKEY
Simon's not so smart. He was born with
a peanut in his head.
SIIMON
Heh What? Dad? Huh?
MR. HANKEY
Nothin', Simon.
KYLE
A family! So THAT's why you haven't
been able to spread Christmas cheer.
MR. HANKEY
It sure has been tough. Nobody seems
that into Christmas out there.
STAN
I know, it's like it doesn't matter
anymore.
CARTMAN
My mom''s barely bought me any presents
so far.
MR. HANKEY
Well don't worry kids! I'm sending the
nuggets up tomorrow to spread Christmas
cheer! And if you want, you can help
them.
KYLE
Sure we'll help!
CARTMAN
Anything for more presents!
AUTUMN
"Hic" Weh-hell, it's a Chrstmas party!
Hey! You boys! You boys wanna bet me
I won't take off my clothes?
MR. HANKEY
Honey, pleh, you're- you're drunk. Onkay?
AUTUMN
but it's a Chrstmas party!
MR. HANKEY
Honey, can we go inside for a second?
Well, it's decided, kids. Tomorrow
we're gonna bring back the spirit of
Christmas!
[South Park, day, city streets. The boys and the nuggets stand
on the sidewalk in front of Tele's and the toy store humming
"Good King Wencelas" The nuggets soon hum their own tunes. Stan,
Kyle, and Kenny wear nose clips and suits that suggest they are
reindeer, while Cartman is dressed as Santa]
CARTMAN
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, you guys!
Only three shopping days until- God-damnit!
Hey! Merry Christmas, asshole!
STAN
Nobody's paying any attention.
WOMAN
Ew, I almost stepped in it.
TELE'S OWNER
Well, it was a good effort, boys. But
I'm gonna have to close shop. Nobody's
buyin' anything an' I can't afford to
keep this furnace runnin'! Oh. And,
boys, there's some crap on the sidewalk
there. Watch out.
RED
Not one toy. I guess this yeear, everyone's
content to celebrate with candles and
love.
STAN
This is hopeless. We're just gonna
have to face that the commercialism
has been sucked out of Christmas.
[A special report. Behind the anchor is a "No Christmas Trees"
sign]
NEWS ANCHOR
And in other news tonight it appears
that everyone is officially SICK OF
CHRISTMAS! In an SPC poll, 38% said
they were fred up and tired of the holiday,
5% said they were indifferent to it,
and a whopping 57% they would quick
Bon Jovi square in the balls if given
the opportunity.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
Well, I think people are just fed up
with the crowded shopping and the credit-card
bills, uh. I, I think that the holiday
just has become a joke.
MAN
You know, it's just that a lot of people
don't really believe in the whole Jesus
thing anymore, you know? So what's to
celebrate?
MAN 2
Oh yeah. Right in the balls, man. Right
square in the balls.
NEWS ANCHOR
Well, the holiday spirit may be gone
from South Park, but at least our faith
in each other remains strong.
ASSISTANT
In South Park.
NEWS ANCHOR
Oh really?
[South Park, Cartman's house, day. The report is over]
STAN
Dude, change the channel. This is too
depressing.
CHARLIE BROWN
Good Grief! We need a Christmas tree
for our play.
CARTMAN
Oh, Jesus, not this thing again.
STAN
How come everyone in cartoons has such
big heads?
CHARLIE
Alright, everyone, we've got to get
on with our play!
KYLE
Jesus, this sucks! All they keep doin'
is dancing around!
CARTMAN
Yeah, this thing really falls apart
in the second act.
STAN
And why is it that on Charlie Brown
cartoons, everyone talks like this.
CARTMAN
My mom could make a better Christmas
special than this!
KYLE
Hey, that's it. Oh, my God, that's totally
it! It's so simple!
STAN
What, dude?
KYLE
We can get everyone back into the Christmas
spirit by making our very own animated
Christmas special, and showing it to
everybody in town!
STAN
We don't know anything about animation.
KYLE
How hard can it be? Look at it.
CARTMAN
Hey yeah! We can make a little animated
Santa Claus and Jesus, and it can star
us instead of these little round-headed
guys!
KENNY
(Yeah, right! Awesome!)
STAN
Yeah! And we can call it... "The Spirit
of Christmas"
[South Park, The Mayor's office, day. The report is over]
MAYOR
Ogh! This is terrible, Johnson! Our
whole town's economy is going right
in the toilet! We've got to get everybody
back in the Christmas spirit!
AIDE 2
Mayor, some adorable children are here
to see you.
MAYOR
Meugh. Send them in.
KYLE
Mayor! We have the solution to your
problem.
MAYOR
You do?
KYLE
We're gonna make a short animated Christmas
card that everyone can watch and and
play it on the screen at the old drive-in.
STAN
It'll have everything. Jesus, Santa.
And when people see it, they'll just
HAVE to get in the spirit. All we need
is three hundred dollars for our budget.
MAYOR
An animated Christmas card. Kids, that
just may be the dumbest idea I've ever
heard, ever!
THE BOYS
Awww.
MAYOR
But at this point I'm willing to try
anything. Johnson, cut them a check
for three hundred dollars.
THE BOYS
Alright!
KYLE
You guys go tell Butters to start making
the cutoouts. I'm gonna go tell Mr.
Hankey the good news!
[The Hankey home, day, exterior. Mr. Hankey and Autumn are in
a heated argument inside. The argument is incomprehensible for
a while, until a voice stands out.]
MR. HANKEY
Now you put that vase down! Put that
vase down! That's a very expensive vase!
Don't you throw that vase!
KYLE
Ah, Mr. Hankey?
MR. HANKEY
Oh, Kyle! Hoowwddy ho!
KYLE
We got the money, Mr. Hankey. We're
gonna make our animated Christmas card.
Oh, that's swell! Kids! [the nuggets come out] Christmas is back
on! We've gotta all go get that old drive-in workin' again.
THE NUGGETS
Okay!
AUTUMN
That's not the only thing we gotta get
workin' again, if you know what I mean...
MR. HANKEY
Wha- why do you, why do you have to
say things like that in front of people?
KYLE
Well, I've gotta go start our animation.
We've only got two days.
MR. HANKEY
Good luck, Kyle. And we'll have that
projector workin'! Don't you worry!
AMBER
What's the matter, Cornwallis?
[Butters' home, day. A gate is open by one side of the house.
Inside, the four boys enter a room littered with cutouts]
KYLE
Alright, Butters. Let's see what you've
got.
BUTTERS
Huh, well, okay. Now, don't expect
too much with the budget you gave me.
STAN
Yeahyeahyeah. just let us see 'em!
BUTTERS
Well, alright. Here's a little paper
construction of Santa Claus. "Ho ho
ho, uh, there-a kid. Hu-uh, would you
like some- t-hoys and stuff" Hah, and
uh, here's a little Jesus. "Hi there,
Santa. I am the Light and the Way, and
stuff." "Uh, ho o-kay. That's good,
I suppose." Huh, and here's the cutout
versions of you guys.
THE BOYS
Whoa!
CARTMAN
Heheh. Look, he made Stan all fat.
STAN
That's not me, that's you!
CARTMAN
What?!
KYLE
They kind of look like us. I mean,
Stan's got blue eyes and I've got a
sharper nose, but I mean, they kinda
look like us.
CARTMAN
I AM NOT THAT GODDAMNED FAT!
KYLE
God job, Butters.
BUTTERS
Woh, ah, hey! I made a little cutout
version of me, too! Ih in case you need
it for your animated film.
STAN
No, that's okay.
KYLE
See ya!
BUTTERS
Uh-m, alright, alright then. "Oh, uh,
hello, good-lookin'? What's your name?"
"Huh, Butters, ma'am." "Well, Butters,
would you like to slap my- titties around?"
"Whoa! Well, uhuh" "Uh, no thanks,
ma'am. Uh I, I'll get in trouble again."
[The Hankey home, day. Inside, Cornwallis is seated at a table
with thumb tacks for legs. There are two 5-book stacks on the
table, a third stack on the floor behnd him, and two books on
the floor in front of the table. Mr. Hankey enters, and soon
seen are a spool of string for a bedstand and a pencil as a curtain
rod. A locket hangs over Cornawallis' bed, and it contains pictures
of his parents]
MR. HANKEY
Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the
drive-in.
CORNWALLIS
I don't want to, Dad. I'm too sad.
MR. HANKEY
Hey, that's alright, Cornwallis. The
boys' animated movie will being back
the spirit of Christmas.
CORNWALLIS
It's not that, father. Its... Well,
I don't feel like I'm really a part
of Christmas.
MR. HANKEY
But son, you're a Hankey. We love Christmas!
AUTUMN
Come on, it's time to sit around the
tree!
MR. HANKEY
We're having a talk, honey.
AUTUMN
God-damnit it's Christmas and we're
gonna be a happy family around the tree!
MR. HANKEY
Autumn, you're drunk. Alright, now,
just go help the other kids; they can't
get their stockings up.
AUTUMN
That's not the only thing that can't
get up around here.
MR. HANKEY
...Now come on, son. Don't be so down.
CORNWALLIS
Why? We're just pieces of crap. Christmas
isn't for us.
MR. HANKEY
Christmas is about feeling good. That's
for everybody!
CORNWALLIS
I see the Nativity. There's angels,
shepherds and sheep. But no poo. All
the Christmas movies: Santa, elves,
reindeer. No poo. I'm not a part of
it.
MR. HANKEY
No, you're not a part of it, Carnwallis.
You're all of it. Don't you see?
CORNWALLIS
I'm nothing but crap!
MR. HANKEY
But crap is everything.
Everything that lives on earth poos in some way
And that's how the cycle happens, each and every day
[Takes Cornwallis out and up to the street]
Just look at the green green grass and the birds up in the sky
[cows graze on the some exposed grass while large birds fly lazily
above]
It's all here because of poo, and now I'll tell you why
'Cause it's eaten by cattle, which is eaten by women and men
[A cow poops as it eats, then Butters' family is shown eatng
burgers at table]
It fuses with their bodies and becomes poo again
[Mr. Jankey sings to Cornwallis, then Butters' father is shown
straining on the toilet]
And that poo goes through the sewer, where it's dumped into the
sea.
[some poo descends through the pipe, and Mr. Hankey soon follows.
A raw sewage outlet is then shown with Mr. Hankey exiting]
And it's eaten by the plankton, and becomes the fishes' meal.
[plankton swarm the poo and devour it; a small fish eats the
plankton]
And then that bigger fish with the poo still inside
[a bigger fish eats the small fish, but an even bigger one approaches]
Swims up near the shore and gets eaten alive
[the bigger fish swallows the medium-sized one and swims up to
the surface, only to be snatched up by a bear]
By the grizzly bear that poos on a dead piece of sand
[the bear walks off with the fish in its mouth and poos as he
leaves]
So it can spring to life and become food for the land
[flowers and grass spring up through and around it. The camera
pulls back to reveal an African savvannah around the flowers,
with all sorts of animals in it]
It's the poo of the antelope, the poo of the giraffe
[soft backup vocals come on, lending the song an African feel.
antelope run in the background as a giraffe appears and stops]
It falls onto the earth and becomes the blades of grass
[The camera looks at Mr. Hankey and Cornwallis atop Poo Rock,
first from the back, then from the front]
The grass is eaten by the cattle, which comes out the other end
[more cattle are shown grazing and pooing]
To make food for the humans and start all over again
[a man scoops the poo into a small bag and walks off; Butters
and family eat more burgers; his mom sits on the toilet]
[back on Poo Rock, before which animals poo freely] You see,
son? You're not an insignificant part of life. You are life.
CORNWALLIS
But how can I be that giraffe and blade
of grass, and a human? I don't control
what they do.
MR. HANKEY
Just like your heart beats without
you thinking about it, so, too, your
giraffes and your humans do what they
do without you even thinkin' about it.
But it is all one life form. It is all...
you.
CORNWALLIS
I think I see now.
I'm the poo of the antelope, that flows down to the ground
[steps forward]
MR. HANKEY
Becomes the grass of tomorrow
CORNWALLIS
Yeah
MR. HANKEY
Which the grazers turn around
[An antelope stops to poo a little, then runs off to join the
others]
CORNWALLIS
So I'm the leg of a leopard and the
wings of a hen
[Mr. Hankey holds Cornwallis high in the air on Poo Rock with
the sky behind them. Cornwallis hums a bit]
That's the Circle, the Circle of Poo!
[Blink to black]
[Stan's house, basement, day. He hands out scripts to the other
three boys]
STAN
Okay, here's the script. But it doesn't
have an ending.
KYLE
No ending? Well, we can't animate until
we have our voices recorded, so we'd
better just record what we have and
figure out the ending later.
SOUND MAN
Okay, talk directly in the mike and
don't hit any hard p's.
KYLE
What's a hard p?
CARTMAN
You know, first thing in the mornng
when it just won't come out?
KYLE
Oh, yeah.
SOUND MAN
Uumm, okay, sound is speeding, and...
THE BOYS
We wish you a Merry Christmas
SOUND MAN
Hold on.
KYLE
We wish-
THE BOYS
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
CARTMAN
...deh.OOOWW!!!
SOUND MAN
Uh, mmm. Okay, and?
BOYS
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--
STAN
Hey! Wait a minute!
KYLE
What?
STAN
Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
KYLE
Well, yes, I think so.
STAN
Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate
Christmas. You're supposed to sing Chanukah
songs.
KYLE
Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of clay,
Dreidel dreidel dreidel--
CARTMAN
Heheheheh, Chanukah sucks.
KYLE
Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
CARTMAN
Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
KYLE
Then don't belittle my people you fuckin'
fatass!
STAN
You guys, knock it off! We have to record
this!
SOUND MAN
Dude, that was awesome.
STAN
What's awesome?
SOUND MAN
The script. It's sweet.
STAN
That's not in the script They do this
all the time.
SOUND MAN
Well, it should be in the script. All
that "you're fat" and "you're a Jew"
and stuff. It's great.
[South Park, Photo Dojo, day. The boys are gathered round a camera,
which is pointing straight down onto the poster Butters made
for them. Two lights shine on the poster, and the cutouts are
in place. Some other heads are at the top end of the poster]
KYLE
Check it out, dude. The camera shoots
one frame at a time. So, all we gotta
do, is put the right mouth on, according
to what syllable they're pronouncing
at that frame.
STAN
Easy.
KYLE
Yeah. So what's the first syllable?
STAN
Uhd- W, WW-e wish you a Merry Christmas
KYLE
Okay. So we put little "woo" mouths
on all our heads. And then we shoot
that for one frame.
STAN
Okay. One.
KYLE
That's one twenty-fourth of a second
of our movie already shot!
STAN
Kickass!
KYLE
Now, the next mouth.
STAN
Uuhh, E. W-EE wish you a Merry Christmas.
KYLE
Okay, where are the E-mouths?
STAN
E mouths...
[South Park, Photo Dojo, three hours later. The boys' eyelids
are drooping andthey're tired]
KYLE
Okay. "Woo" mouths again?
STAN
1 2.
KYLE
So how much done is that?
STAN
"We wish you a m- Merry"
KYLE
Aw, Jesus Christ!
[South Park Dirve-In, night. The boys' eyelids are drooping andthey're
tired]
MAYOR
This kids better make a good Christmas
movie, Johnson. If people in this town
don't start shopping again, we're all
gonna be out of jobs next year.
JOHNSON
This... place is pretty run-down.
MAYOR
It's alright, we've got a clean-up crew
coming.
MR. HANKEY
Hoowwddy ho! Down here!
JOHNSON
WAAGGH!
MAYOR
Oh. Mr. Haneky, it's you. How wonderful.
MR. HANKEY
My family and I are here to get the
drive-in ready for the biig movie.
AUTUMN
Hi there, Mr. Important Political Person.
*hic* You wanna bet me I won't take
off my clothes and run naked through
this parkin' lot?
MR. HANKEY
Uh-uh, honey, please don't start!
AUTUMN
I didn't start it! He was looking at
my breasts!
MR. HANKEY
They're not real, you know.
AUTUMN
Don't you say that!
MR. HANKEY
Oh, big secret! Everyone can tell they're
made of silicorn!
JOHNSON
Uhhh, we'll just leave you to your cleanup.
MR. HANKEY
Okay! Boy, oh boy, this place suuure
needs a lot of work.
CORNWALIS
We can fix it up, Dad.
AMBER
Oh, look! A homeless person. Oh. He
looks sad, Pappa. There. That's better.
MR. HANKEY
Good job, Amber. Now this place is starting
to look Christmasy
[South Park, Photo Dojo, next day. The boys are back at the animatic
further along in the project]
KYLE
Okay. Okay, the shot is finally set
up. Now shoot the O mouth for two frames.
STAN
AAAAAAAA!
KYLE
Cartman!
CARTMAN
Well, I'm sorry! I have a cold!
STAN
That took us half an hour to set up,
fatass!
CARTMAN
Alright! You know what? I have been
here TOO LONG! I'm sick of making this
stupid cartoon, and we're never goin'
to finish it anyways! Screw you guys,
I'm goin' home!
KYLE
Fine! We'll do it with out you!
STAN
We can't do it without him, Kyle. We've
already animated him in it!
KYLE
We'll dub his voice over.
STAN
Kyle, it's hopeless. We've only got
20 seconds of animation done, and we
still have Jesus' and Santa's voices
to record, and we don't even have a
third act. Dude, it would take a miracle
to finish this thing!
KYLE
Now, don't go saying that. There's always
hope.
Miracles happen most every day.
To people like you, and me.
But don't expect a miracle.
Unless you help make it to be.
You hope, and I'll hurry.
[takes the poster and rolls it up.]
You pray, and I'll plan
[The boys exit the Photo Dojo with it]
We'll do what's necessary, 'cause
[now in Stan's room, works on a Brian Boitano cutout]
Even a miracle needs a hand!
[walks up to the wall and adds a scene to Act II]
KYLE
You love-
STAN
We love
KYLE
-And I'll labor.
STAN
Tralala
KYLE
You sit-
STAN
We sit.
KYLE
-And I'll stand.
STAN
Tralalalala
BOYS
Get help from our next-door neighbor,
'cause
[Kenny begins to hum as the Hankey family is shown cleaning up
the drive-in]
BOYS, HANKEYS
Even a miracle needs a hand!
[Autumn is passed out to one side of the film projector as Mr.
Hankey cleans up]
[Stan's house, basement, day. Stan and Kyle have to work without
Cartman, so they stand wearing headphones and reading the script
aloud]
KYLE
You could do Cartman's voice, can't
you?
STAN
"Awgh! I'm so fat!"
KYLE
Nuh, you've gotta sound fatter.
STAN
"Hey, you guys! Seriouslih! I'm so
fat! Help me out over hmyah!"
KYLE
Cool! Now let's try the script!
SOUND MAN
Rolling...
STAN
STAN
I don't know what to do, dude. Who should
we help?
CARTMAN
I say we help Santa Claus!
KYLE
Oh, you're just saying that because
he brings you candy.
STAN
Cartman: Ey! I don't need to take that
kind of shit from a Jew!
[Stan's house, living room, day. Kyle and Stan resume singing
as Kyle packs the cutouts into a box headed for Korea]
KYLE
You wish-
STAN
We wish
KYLE
-And I'll whittle.
STAN
Tralalalala
KYLE
You sit-
STAN
We sit.
KYLE
-And I'll stand.
STAN
Tralalalala
KYLE
Let's all try to help a little, 'cause
[A group of 20 Korean inbetweeners are shown working hard on
the short]
[South Park, Potter's Art Store, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk
out with construction paper]
BOYS
Even a miracle-
[a car comes in and runs over Kenny as the diriver honks, leaving
Kenny flat as a pancake. The boys just look in wonder]
STAN
...It's okay. We'll just have his character
die in the film.
[Stan's house, living room, day. Stan and Kyle are there. A large
box has come for Stan and he's about to open it]
STAN, KYLE
Even a miracle____ needs____ a____ hand!!
[South Park Drive-In, night. The drive-in is cleaned up now.
The entire town shows up to see the short film. To the left,
two klieg lights shine on a high platfom on which stand the Mayor
and her aides; Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. A decorated Christmas
tree stands behind them. On close-up, though, Cartman is missing]
MAYOR
Citizens of South Park, the Colorado
Film Commission is pleased to present
to you a work by some of our very own
South Park children.
CARTMAN
Thank you, thank you.
KYLE
Cartman, what the hell are you doing
here?! You quit!
CARTMAN
What are you talkin' about, "quit"?
Huh! I don't remember that.
MAYOR
We know tha after you see this darling
short film, you will all feel the mighty
glow of the Christmas spirit once again.
Boys?
KYLE
Okay, Mr. Hankey!
MR. HANKEY
O-kay!
[SCENE
a snowy hill. South Park comes into
view. A squirrel pops up to see the
camera, then drops away next to the
town sign. Kids can be heard singing
a Christmas carol. The camera pans to
the right]
KIDS
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--
STAN
Hey! Wait a minute!
KYLE
What?
STAN
Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
KYLE
Yeah, I think so.
STAN
(voice rising) Dude, Jewish people don't
celebrate Christmas!
KYLE
What?
STAN
You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs!
KYLE
Dreidel dreidel dreidel-
[the film snaps in two and grinds to a halt. Fear strikes the
boys' faces, then the Mayor's face. The film spools out of the
reels and Mr. Hankey holds the unwound film in his hands]
SIMON
Eehhhh, pretty!
MAN
Oh, that's Christmas for ya.
MAYOR
Uhuh, just hang on folks. We seem to
be having some technical difficulties
MAN 2
Boring.
MAN 3
I've gotta go.
MAN 4
Stupid.
MR. HANKEY
It's completely destroyed! There's
nothn' I can do!
KYLE
All that hard work.
MAYOR
Well, thanks a lot, kids. Great idea
you had there. Now everyone is more
disenfranchised with Christmas than
ever. We want our three hundred bucks
back!
KYLE
But we spent it!
MAYOR
Fine. Then we'll sue you. Johnson?
AIDE
I... used to believe in miracles.
KYLE
All that work!
STAN
For nothing.
MR. HANKEY
Boys, I uh, I'm s-, I'm sorry.
KYLE
Sure. Sh-sure, Mr. Hankey.
CARTMAN
I guess- we might as well- go home now.
[The Hankey home, night. Inside, Mr. Hankey sits on the little
sofa. Cornwallis hops up to him and joins him on the sofa]
MR. HANKEY
It's my fault. All my fault. I got everyone's
hopes up.
CORNWALLIS
But Dad, we can fix the projector.
MR. HANKEY
Aw, it's too late for that, son. everyone'
gone home. And I don't know nothin'
about projectors. I'm just a stupid
piece of crap.
CORNWALLIS
Dad, you taught me an important lesson:
That crap is the cycle of everything.
MR. HANKEY
Aw, that was just a stupid song, Cornwallis!
I was jus' tryin' to get you to stop
your bitchin'
CORNWALLIS
No, it wasn't a stupid song. Because
you showed me that I have the power
and the strength to do anything I want.
You made me believe in myself, Dad!
Now I'm asking you to do the same.
MR. HANKEY
Son... You're the smartest piece of crap
since Albert Poodinger! Come on!
[The Marsh house, living room, night. The immediate family is
gathered]
SHARON
Isn't this a nice Christmas, Stanley?
No commercialism and shopping, just
a nice fire and family.
GRANDPA
I wanna die.
[A view of the suburbs. Lights come on all over the neighborhood,
and families begin to come out of their houses. one girl and
her parents, another girl and her parents, a boy and girl and
their parents, etc. The light everyone sees is the drive-in screen.
The short has been repaired and is airing the scene where the
boys first meet Jesus. The drive-in soon fills up]
[On screen, Jesus floats down from the sky.]
KYLE
What the--
KENNY
(Nooo!!)
[The Broflovski house, night. The frontn door opens and Gerald
and Sheila step out with Ike. Kyle follows them out.]
KYLE
They did it! They got it working!
[On screen.]
JESUS
You have blemished the meaning of Christmas
for the last time, Kringle!
SANTA
I bring happiness and love to children
all over the world.
JESUS
Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
SANTA
Christmas is for giving!
[A shot of the audience]
CROWD
Oh, wow!
[The Hankey house. Amber and Simon stand outside]
AMBER
Mom! They got it working!
AUTUMN
What's that? They got your father's
penis workin' again?
[A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman smiling. On screen...]
KYLE
...We actually spoke--to the Brian Boitano.
STAN
Yeah. And you know? I think I've learned
something today, it doesn't matter if
you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist
or Hindu. Christmas still is about one
very important thing.
CARTMAN
Yeah, ham.
STAN
No not ham!
[The audience. The boys laugh]
CARTMAN
Ey! Why the hell did you have me say
that?!
KYLE
Heheh, we could make you say whatever
we wanted.
[On screen...]
STAN
...Christmas is about something much
more important!
KYLE
What?
STAN
Presents.
KYLE
Ah.
STAN
Don't you see, Kyle?
KYLE
Yeah.
STAN
Presents.
[The audience...]
VARIOUS FLOK
...Presents.
MAN 5
My God, they're right!
COUNSELOR MACKEY
Christmas is about presents. If we all
buy presents, everyone benefits. M'kay?
RANDY
That is the spirit of Christmas. Commercialism.
Becuase it's what makes our country
work!
MAYOR
They're starting to understand, Johnson.
MS. CHOKSONDIK
We got so caught up in the little things
of Christmas, like love and family that...
we almost fogot it's buying things that
makes our economy thrive.
MAYOR
Hey, the shops are still open. We still
have time to shop.
KYLE
You did it, Mr. Hankey. You brought
back the spirit of Christmas!
MR. HANKEY
No, you did it, boys!
AUTUMN
Aw, hell, we all did it!
MAYOR
Kids, that cartoon was fabulous. How
would you like to have your own show
and make 100 more of them?
STTAN
Are you kidding? I think we'd rather
stab ourselves in the head.
CARTMAN
Yeah. Let's just go home and open our
presents.
KYLE
Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents
for eight days.
STAN
Wow! Count me in!
CARTMAN
Yeah! I'll be a Jew too.
BOYS
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
With dreidel I will play!
THE END
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