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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 417


                               "A VERY CRAPPY CHRISTMAS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Kyle's house, night. The Happy Chanukah sign is up and it is 
               snowing.]
 
               [Kyle's house, night, bathroom. The toilet is seen and on it 
               are a glass and a plate of chocolate-chip cookies. Kyle sits 
               in his pajamas underneath a window and next to a night stand 
               and candle opposite the toilet bowl, and holding a small flag 
               which reads,
 
               WELCOME

               MR. HANKEY

               Ike walks in and towards the food]

                                     KYLE
                         He's gonna be here any minute, Ike.
 
                         
                                     IKE
                          Oooh nooo, poopies.

                                     KYLE
                         Heee might not come if you're too close 
                         to the toilet bowl, Ike.  Come sit by 
                         me. 
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          It's getting late, boys. Why don't 
                         you come on up to bed.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Just let us stay up a little longer, 
                         mom. Mr. Hankey's gotta show up. He 
                         always does.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Alright, bubbe.  Oh, and boys? Happy 
                         Chanukah.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Happy Chanukah, Mom. 

               [Kyle's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" plays]

                                     IKE
                          Ayaaa ta.  Weee! Weee... 

                                     KYLE
                         Go away!

               [The ant scurries away. At length, the candle burns down to the 
               plate and goes out. Kyle and Ike are both asleep. Sheila and 
               Gerald look in once again and find the boys asleep. Sheila picks 
               up Ike and Gerald picks up Kyle and take them to their respective 
               rooms. Kyle is then seen asleep in his room. He opens and blinks 
               his eyes, then gasps and sits up. He rushes out of bed and into 
               the restroom, only to find an empty plate and glass. He thinks 
               Mr. Hankey has been by, until he notices something on the floor 
               to the left of the toilet. A look of dismay comes over his face. 
               It's the ant he sees, now bloated and content. Kyle goes to make 
               a phone call.]
 
               [Stan's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" continues]

                                     STAN
                          A-ah huh.

                                     KYLE
                          Stan! Go get the other guys and tell 
                         them to meet me at the bos stop in ten 
                         minutes!
 
                                     STAN
                         Ho-o-oh.

               [South Park, night, bus stop. Kyle, with flashlight and crow 
               bar, is waiting as the others arrive. Kenny arrives in coat, 
               hood, and undies. Cartman in pajamas, cap and coat, and Stan 
               fully dressed, but with his cap askew. A lock of hair is seen]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, good. You're all here.

                                     STAN
                         What is this all about, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         It's Mr. Hankey! He hasn't shown up 
                         yet.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, Jesus Christ! I'm going back to 
                         bed. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's only three days until Christmas, 
                         you guys! You know how bad thins have 
                         been around here. I think it might be 
                         because Mr. Hankey hasn't come.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, I have a full day of watching 
                         TV tomorrow. I don't have time to go 
                         on a poo hunt right now, okay?
 
                                     KYLE
                         If you guys want thre to be a Christmas, 
                         you'd better come help me!
 
               [South Park, night, city streets. Snow is still falling, but 
               a manhole cover has been lifted and set aside. Down below, in 
               the sewer, the boys walk in the muck looking for Mr. Hankey's 
               home]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh-tchoo!

                                     KYLE
                          Dude, you sneezed on my back!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, sorry, you might get some germs 
                         while you're walking around in human 
                         feces!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, look.  Hello?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Hoowwddyy ho! 

                                     KYLE
                         ...Mr. Hankey! Hoh, we were so worried! 
                         I was weiting up for you and you didn't 
                         come, so I thought that-
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Oh, no I'm fine, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         But where have you been? Things aren't 
                         the same without you. Nobody seems to 
                         have the Christmas spirit.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         I know, Kyle. I've just been awfully 
                         busy with my family.  Honey!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Family?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Boys, I want you to meet my wife. Autumn.
 
                         
                                     AUTUMN
                         Howdy-hey kids!  Would you like a drink?
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         They're too young to drink, honey.
 
                         
                                     AUTUMN
                         Hey haa, it's Christmas!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Come. You have to meet the little nuggets, 
                         too. Kids!  This is our son, Cornwallis.
 
                         
                                     CORNWALLIS
                          Hoowwdy Ho! 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Our daughter Amber.

                                     AMBER
                          Hoowwdy Ho! 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         And our son, Simon.

                                     SIIMON
                         Eee, hey! Hnhn.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Simon's not so smart. He was born with 
                         a peanut in his head.
 
                                     SIIMON
                         Heh What? Dad? Huh?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Nothin', Simon.

                                     KYLE
                         A family! So THAT's why you haven't 
                         been able to spread Christmas cheer.
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         It sure has been tough. Nobody seems 
                         that into Christmas out there.
 
                                     STAN
                         I know, it's like it doesn't matter 
                         anymore.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         My mom''s barely bought me any presents 
                         so far.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Well don't worry kids! I'm sending the 
                         nuggets up tomorrow to spread Christmas 
                         cheer!  And if you want, you can help 
                         them.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sure we'll help! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Anything for more presents!

                                     AUTUMN
                         "Hic" Weh-hell, it's a Chrstmas party! 
                         Hey! You boys! You boys wanna bet me 
                         I won't take off my clothes?
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Honey, pleh, you're- you're drunk. Onkay?
 
                         
                                     AUTUMN
                         but it's a Chrstmas party!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Honey, can we go inside for a second? 
                          Well, it's decided, kids. Tomorrow 
                         we're gonna bring back the spirit of 
                         Christmas!
 
               [South Park, day, city streets. The boys and the nuggets stand 
               on the sidewalk in front of Tele's and the toy store humming 
               "Good King Wencelas" The nuggets soon hum their own tunes. Stan, 
               Kyle, and Kenny wear nose clips and suits that suggest they are 
               reindeer, while Cartman is dressed as Santa]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, you guys! 
                         Only three shopping days until-  God-damnit! 
                          Hey! Merry Christmas, asshole! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Nobody's paying any attention. 

                                     WOMAN
                         Ew, I almost stepped in it.

                                     TELE'S OWNER
                          Well, it was a good effort, boys. But 
                         I'm gonna have to close shop. Nobody's 
                         buyin' anything an' I can't afford to 
                         keep this furnace runnin'!  Oh. And, 
                         boys, there's some crap on the sidewalk 
                         there. Watch out. 
 
                                     RED
                          Not one toy. I guess this yeear, everyone's 
                         content to celebrate with candles and 
                         love. 
 
                                     STAN
                          This is hopeless. We're just gonna 
                         have to face that the commercialism 
                         has been sucked out of Christmas.
 
                         
               [A special report. Behind the anchor is a "No Christmas Trees" 
               sign]
 
                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         And in other news tonight it appears 
                         that everyone is officially SICK OF 
                         CHRISTMAS!  In an SPC poll, 38% said 
                         they were fred up and tired of the holiday, 
                         5% said they were indifferent to it, 
                         and a whopping 57% they would quick 
                         Bon Jovi square in the balls if given 
                         the opportunity. 
 
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         Well, I think people are just fed up 
                         with the crowded shopping and the credit-card 
                         bills, uh.  I, I think that the holiday 
                         just has become a joke.
 
                                     MAN
                          You know, it's just that a lot of people 
                         don't really believe in the whole Jesus 
                         thing anymore, you know? So what's to 
                         celebrate?
 
                                     MAN 2
                         Oh yeah. Right in the balls, man. Right 
                         square in the balls.
 
                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         Well, the holiday spirit may be gone 
                         from South Park, but at least our faith 
                         in each other remains strong.
 
                                     ASSISTANT
                          In South Park.

                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         Oh really?

               [South Park, Cartman's house, day. The report is over]

                                     STAN
                         Dude, change the channel. This is too 
                         depressing. 
 
                                     CHARLIE BROWN
                         Good Grief! We need a Christmas tree 
                         for our play.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, Jesus, not this thing again.

                                     STAN
                         How come everyone in cartoons has such 
                         big heads?
 
                                     CHARLIE
                          Alright, everyone, we've got to get 
                         on with our play!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Jesus, this sucks! All they keep doin' 
                         is dancing around!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, this thing really falls apart 
                         in the second act.
 
                                     STAN
                          And why is it that on Charlie Brown 
                         cartoons, everyone talks like this.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         My mom could make a better Christmas 
                         special than this!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, that's it. Oh, my God, that's totally 
                         it!  It's so simple!
 
                                     STAN
                         What, dude?

                                     KYLE
                          We can get everyone back into the Christmas 
                         spirit by making our very own animated 
                         Christmas special, and showing it to 
                         everybody in town! 
 
                                     STAN
                         We don't know anything about animation.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         How hard can it be? Look at it. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey yeah! We can make a little animated 
                         Santa Claus and Jesus, and it can star 
                         us instead of these little round-headed 
                         guys!
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, right! Awesome!)

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! And we can call it... "The Spirit 
                         of Christmas" 
 
               [South Park, The Mayor's office, day. The report is over]

                                     MAYOR
                          Ogh! This is terrible, Johnson! Our 
                         whole town's economy is going right 
                         in the toilet! We've got to get everybody 
                         back in the Christmas spirit!
 
                                     AIDE 2
                         Mayor, some adorable children are here 
                         to see you.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         Meugh. Send them in.

                                     KYLE
                         Mayor! We have the solution to your 
                         problem.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         You do?

                                     KYLE
                         We're gonna make a short animated Christmas 
                         card that everyone can watch and and 
                         play it on the screen at the old drive-in.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It'll have everything. Jesus, Santa. 
                         And when people see it, they'll just 
                         HAVE to get in the spirit. All we need 
                         is three hundred dollars for our budget.
 
                         
                                     MAYOR
                          An animated Christmas card. Kids, that 
                         just may be the dumbest idea I've ever 
                         heard, ever!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Awww.

                                     MAYOR
                         But at this point I'm willing to try 
                         anything. Johnson, cut them a check 
                         for three hundred dollars.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Alright!

                                     KYLE
                          You guys go tell Butters to start making 
                         the cutoouts. I'm gonna go tell Mr. 
                         Hankey the good news!
 
               [The Hankey home, day, exterior. Mr. Hankey and Autumn are in 
               a heated argument inside. The argument is incomprehensible for 
               a while, until a voice stands out.]
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Now you put that vase down! Put that 
                         vase down! That's a very expensive vase! 
                          Don't you throw that vase! 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Ah, Mr. Hankey?

                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Oh, Kyle! Hoowwddy ho!

                                     KYLE
                          We got the money, Mr. Hankey. We're 
                         gonna make our animated Christmas card.
 
                         
               Oh, that's swell! Kids! [the nuggets come out] Christmas is back 
               on! We've gotta all go get that old drive-in workin' again.
 
               
                                     THE NUGGETS
                         Okay!

                                     AUTUMN
                         That's not the only thing we gotta get 
                         workin' again,  if you know what I mean...
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Wha- why do you, why do you have to 
                         say things like that in front of people?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well, I've gotta go start our animation. 
                         We've only got two days. 
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Good luck, Kyle. And we'll have that 
                         projector workin'! Don't you worry! 
                         
 
                                     AMBER
                         What's the matter, Cornwallis?

               [Butters' home, day. A gate is open by one side of the house. 
               Inside, the four boys enter a room littered with cutouts]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Alright, Butters. Let's see what you've 
                         got.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Huh, well, okay. Now, don't expect 
                         too much with the budget you gave me.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Yeahyeahyeah. just let us see 'em!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, alright. Here's a little paper 
                         construction of Santa Claus.  "Ho ho 
                         ho, uh, there-a kid. Hu-uh, would you 
                         like some- t-hoys and stuff" Hah, and 
                         uh, here's a little Jesus.  "Hi there, 
                         Santa. I am the Light and the Way, and 
                         stuff."  "Uh, ho o-kay. That's good, 
                         I suppose." Huh, and here's the cutout 
                         versions of you guys. 
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Whoa!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Heheh. Look, he made Stan all fat.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          That's not me, that's you!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?!

                                     KYLE
                         They kind of look like us.  I mean, 
                         Stan's got blue eyes and I've got a 
                         sharper nose, but I mean, they kinda 
                         look like us.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I AM NOT THAT GODDAMNED FAT! 

                                     KYLE
                         God job, Butters.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Woh, ah, hey! I made a little cutout 
                         version of me, too! Ih in case you need 
                         it for your animated film.
 
                                     STAN
                          No, that's okay. 

                                     KYLE
                         See ya! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh-m, alright, alright then.  "Oh, uh, 
                         hello, good-lookin'? What's your name?" 
                          "Huh, Butters, ma'am."  "Well, Butters, 
                         would you like to slap my- titties around?" 
                          "Whoa! Well, uhuh"  "Uh, no thanks, 
                         ma'am. Uh I, I'll get in trouble again." 
                         
 
               [The Hankey home, day. Inside, Cornwallis is seated at a table 
               with thumb tacks for legs. There are two 5-book stacks on the 
               table, a third stack on the floor behnd him, and two books on 
               the floor in front of the table. Mr. Hankey enters, and soon 
               seen are a spool of string for a bedstand and a pencil as a curtain 
               rod. A locket hangs over Cornawallis' bed, and it contains pictures 
               of his parents]
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the 
                         drive-in.
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         I don't want to, Dad. I'm too sad.
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Hey, that's alright, Cornwallis. The 
                         boys' animated movie will being back 
                         the spirit of Christmas.
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         It's not that, father. Its... Well, 
                         I don't feel like I'm really a part 
                         of Christmas.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         But son, you're a Hankey. We love Christmas!
 
                         
                                     AUTUMN
                          Come on, it's time to sit around the 
                         tree!
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          We're having a talk, honey.

                                     AUTUMN
                         God-damnit it's Christmas and we're 
                         gonna be a happy family around the tree!
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Autumn, you're drunk. Alright, now, 
                         just go help the other kids; they can't 
                         get their stockings up.
 
                                     AUTUMN
                         That's not the only thing that can't 
                         get up around here. 
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         ...Now come on, son. Don't be so down.
 
                         
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         Why? We're just pieces of crap. Christmas 
                         isn't for us.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Christmas is about feeling good. That's 
                         for everybody!
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         I see the Nativity. There's angels, 
                         shepherds and sheep. But no poo. All 
                         the Christmas movies: Santa, elves, 
                         reindeer. No poo. I'm not a part of 
                         it.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         No, you're not a part of it, Carnwallis. 
                         You're all of it. Don't you see?
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         I'm nothing but crap!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         But crap is everything. 

               Everything that lives on earth poos in some way

               And that's how the cycle happens, each and every day

               [Takes Cornwallis out and up to the street]

               Just look at the green green grass and the birds up in the sky
 
               
               [cows graze on the some exposed grass while large birds fly lazily 
               above]
 
               It's all here because of poo, and now I'll tell you why

               'Cause it's eaten by cattle, which is eaten by women and men
 
               
               [A cow poops as it eats, then Butters' family is shown eatng 
               burgers at table]
 
               It fuses with their bodies and becomes poo again

               [Mr. Jankey sings to Cornwallis, then Butters' father is shown 
               straining on the toilet]
 
               And that poo goes through the sewer, where it's dumped into the 
               sea.
 
               [some poo descends through the pipe, and Mr. Hankey soon follows. 
               A raw sewage outlet is then shown with Mr. Hankey exiting]
 
               
               And it's eaten by the plankton, and becomes the fishes' meal.
 
               
               [plankton swarm the poo and devour it; a small fish eats the 
               plankton]
 
               And then that bigger fish with the poo still inside

               [a bigger fish eats the small fish, but an even bigger one approaches]
 
               
               Swims up near the shore and gets eaten alive

               [the bigger fish swallows the medium-sized one and swims up to 
               the surface, only to be snatched up by a bear]
 
               By the grizzly bear that poos on a dead piece of sand

               [the bear walks off with the fish in its mouth and poos as he 
               leaves]
 
               So it can spring to life and become food for the land

               [flowers and grass spring up through and around it. The camera 
               pulls back to reveal an African savvannah around the flowers, 
               with all sorts of animals in it]
 
               It's the poo of the antelope, the poo of the giraffe

               [soft backup vocals come on, lending the song an African feel. 
               antelope run in the background as a giraffe appears and stops]
 
               
               It falls onto the earth and becomes the blades of grass

               [The camera looks at Mr. Hankey and Cornwallis atop Poo Rock, 
               first from the back, then from the front]
 
               The grass is eaten by the cattle, which comes out the other end
 
               
               [more cattle are shown grazing and pooing]

               To make food for the humans and start all over again

               [a man scoops the poo into a small bag and walks off; Butters 
               and family eat more burgers; his mom sits on the toilet]
 
               
               [back on Poo Rock, before which animals poo freely] You see, 
               son? You're not an insignificant part of life. You are life. 
               
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         But how can I be that giraffe and blade 
                         of grass, and a human? I don't control 
                         what they do.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Just like your heart beats without 
                         you thinking about it, so, too, your 
                         giraffes and your humans do what they 
                         do without you even thinkin' about it. 
                         But it is all one life form. It is all... 
                          you.
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                          I think I see now.

               I'm the poo of the antelope, that flows down to the ground

               [steps forward]

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Becomes the grass of tomorrow

                                     CORNWALLIS
                         Yeah

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Which the grazers turn around

               [An antelope stops to poo a little, then runs off to join the 
               others]
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         So I'm the leg of a leopard and the 
                         wings of a hen
 
               [Mr. Hankey holds Cornwallis high in the air on Poo Rock with 
               the sky behind them. Cornwallis hums a bit]
 
               That's the Circle, the Circle of Poo!

               [Blink to black]

               [Stan's house, basement, day. He hands out scripts to the other 
               three boys]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, here's the script. But it doesn't 
                         have an ending.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No ending? Well, we can't animate until 
                         we have our voices recorded, so we'd 
                         better just record what we have and 
                         figure out the ending later. 
 
                                     SOUND MAN
                          Okay, talk directly in the mike and 
                         don't hit any hard p's.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's a hard p?

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, first thing in the mornng 
                         when it just won't come out?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, yeah.

                                     SOUND MAN
                         Uumm, okay, sound is speeding, and... 
                         
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         We wish you a Merry Christmas

                                     SOUND MAN
                         Hold on.

                                     KYLE
                         We wish- 

                                     THE BOYS
                          AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         ...deh.OOOWW!!!

                                     SOUND MAN
                         Uh,  mmm. Okay, and? 

                                     BOYS
                         We wish you a merry Christmas,

               We wish you a merry Christmas,

               We wish you a merry Christmas--

                                     STAN
                         Hey! Wait a minute!

                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         Well, yes, I think so.

                                     STAN
                          Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate 
                         Christmas. You're supposed to sing Chanukah 
                         songs. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel dreidel dreidel,

               I made you out of clay,

               Dreidel dreidel dreidel--

                                     CARTMAN
                          Heheheheh, Chanukah sucks.

                                     KYLE
                          Don't you oppress me, fat boy.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Don't call me fat, buttfucker.

                                     KYLE
                         Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' 
                         fatass!
 
                                     STAN
                         You guys, knock it off! We have to record 
                         this! 
 
                                     SOUND MAN
                          Dude, that was awesome.

                                     STAN
                         What's awesome?

                                     SOUND MAN
                         The script. It's sweet.

                                     STAN
                         That's not in the script They do this 
                         all the time.
 
                                     SOUND MAN
                         Well, it should be in the script. All 
                         that "you're fat" and "you're a Jew" 
                         and stuff. It's great. 
 
               [South Park, Photo Dojo, day. The boys are gathered round a camera, 
               which is pointing straight down onto the poster Butters made 
               for them. Two lights shine on the poster, and the cutouts are 
               in place. Some other heads are at the top end of the poster]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Check it out, dude. The camera shoots 
                         one frame at a time. So, all we gotta 
                         do, is put the right mouth on, according 
                         to what syllable they're pronouncing 
                         at that frame.
 
                                     STAN
                         Easy.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. So what's the first syllable?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uhd- W, WW-e wish you a Merry Christmas
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Okay. So we put little "woo" mouths 
                         on all our heads.  And then we shoot 
                         that for one frame.
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay.  One.

                                     KYLE
                         That's one twenty-fourth of a second 
                         of our movie already shot! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Kickass!

                                     KYLE
                         Now, the next mouth.

                                     STAN
                         Uuhh, E. W-EE wish you a Merry Christmas. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, where are the E-mouths?

                                     STAN
                          E mouths...

               [South Park, Photo Dojo, three hours later. The boys' eyelids 
               are drooping andthey're tired]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay. "Woo" mouths again?

                                     STAN
                          1  2.

                                     KYLE
                         So how much done is that?

                                     STAN
                         "We wish you a m- Merry"

                                     KYLE
                          Aw,  Jesus Christ!

               [South Park Dirve-In, night. The boys' eyelids are drooping andthey're 
               tired]
 
                                     MAYOR
                          This kids better make a good Christmas 
                         movie, Johnson. If people in this town 
                         don't start shopping again, we're all 
                         gonna be out of jobs next year.
 
                                     JOHNSON
                         This... place is pretty run-down.

                                     MAYOR
                         It's alright, we've got a clean-up crew 
                         coming.
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Hoowwddy ho!  Down here!

                                     JOHNSON
                          WAAGGH!

                                     MAYOR
                          Oh. Mr. Haneky, it's you. How wonderful.
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         My family and I are here to get the 
                         drive-in ready for the biig movie.
 
                         
                                     AUTUMN
                          Hi there, Mr. Important Political Person. 
                         *hic*  You wanna bet me I won't take 
                         off my clothes and run naked through 
                         this parkin' lot?
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                          Uh-uh, honey, please don't start!
 
                         
                                     AUTUMN
                         I didn't start it! He was looking at 
                         my breasts!
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         They're not real, you know.

                                     AUTUMN
                         Don't you say that! 

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Oh, big secret! Everyone can tell they're 
                         made of silicorn!
 
                                     JOHNSON
                         Uhhh, we'll just leave you to your cleanup. 
                         
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Okay! Boy, oh boy, this place suuure 
                         needs a lot of work.
 
                                     CORNWALIS
                         We can fix it up, Dad.

                                     AMBER
                         Oh, look! A homeless person.  Oh. He 
                         looks sad, Pappa.  There. That's better.
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Good job, Amber. Now this place is starting 
                         to look Christmasy 
 
               [South Park, Photo Dojo, next day. The boys are back at the animatic 
               further along in the project]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay. Okay, the shot is finally set 
                         up. Now shoot the O mouth for two frames. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         AAAAAAAA!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I'm sorry! I have a cold!

                                     STAN
                         That took us half an hour to set up, 
                         fatass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright! You know what? I have been 
                         here TOO LONG! I'm sick of making this 
                         stupid cartoon, and we're never goin' 
                         to finish it anyways!  Screw you guys, 
                         I'm goin' home!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Fine! We'll do it with out you!

                                     STAN
                         We can't do it without him, Kyle. We've 
                         already animated him in it!
 
                                     KYLE
                         We'll dub his voice over.

                                     STAN
                         Kyle, it's hopeless. We've only got 
                         20 seconds of animation done, and we 
                         still have Jesus' and Santa's voices 
                         to record, and we don't even have a 
                         third act. Dude, it would take a miracle 
                         to finish this thing!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Now, don't go saying that. There's always 
                         hope.
 
               Miracles happen most every day.

               To people like you, and me.

               But don't expect a miracle.

               Unless you help make it to be.

               You hope, and I'll hurry.

               [takes the poster and rolls it up.]

               You pray, and I'll plan

               [The boys exit the Photo Dojo with it]

               We'll do what's necessary, 'cause

               [now in Stan's room, works on a Brian Boitano cutout]

               Even a miracle needs a hand!

               [walks up to the wall and adds a scene to Act II]

                                     KYLE
                         You love-

                                     STAN
                         We love

                                     KYLE
                         -And I'll labor. 

                                     STAN
                         Tralala

                                     KYLE
                         You sit- 

                                     STAN
                         We sit.

                                     KYLE
                         -And I'll stand. 

                                     STAN
                         Tralalalala

                                     BOYS
                         Get help from our next-door neighbor, 
                         'cause
 
               [Kenny begins to hum as the Hankey family is shown cleaning up 
               the drive-in]
 
                                     BOYS, HANKEYS
                         Even a miracle needs a hand!

               [Autumn is passed out to one side of the film projector as Mr. 
               Hankey cleans up]
 
               [Stan's house, basement, day. Stan and Kyle have to work without 
               Cartman, so they stand wearing headphones and reading the script 
               aloud]
 
                                     KYLE
                         You could do Cartman's voice, can't 
                         you?
 
                                     STAN
                         "Awgh! I'm so fat!"

                                     KYLE
                         Nuh, you've gotta sound fatter.

                                     STAN
                          "Hey, you guys! Seriouslih! I'm so 
                         fat! Help me out over hmyah!"
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cool! Now let's try the script!

                                     SOUND MAN
                         Rolling...

                                     STAN
                         

                                     STAN
                         I don't know what to do, dude. Who should 
                         we help?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I say we help Santa Claus!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, you're just saying that because 
                         he brings you candy.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman: Ey! I don't need to take that 
                         kind of shit from a Jew! 
 
               [Stan's house, living room, day. Kyle and Stan resume singing 
               as Kyle packs the cutouts into a box headed for Korea]
 
                                     KYLE
                         You wish-

                                     STAN
                         We wish

                                     KYLE
                         -And I'll whittle.

                                     STAN
                         Tralalalala

                                     KYLE
                         You sit- 

                                     STAN
                         We sit.

                                     KYLE
                         -And I'll stand. 

                                     STAN
                         Tralalalala

                                     KYLE
                          Let's all try to help a little, 'cause
 
                         
               [A group of 20 Korean inbetweeners are shown working hard on 
               the short]
 
               [South Park, Potter's Art Store, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk 
               out with construction paper]
 
                                     BOYS
                         Even a miracle-

               [a car comes in and runs over Kenny as the diriver honks, leaving 
               Kenny flat as a pancake. The boys just look in wonder]
 
                                     STAN
                         ...It's okay. We'll just have his character 
                         die in the film. 
 
               [Stan's house, living room, day. Stan and Kyle are there. A large 
               box has come for Stan and he's about to open it]
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Even a miracle____ needs____ a____ hand!!
 
                         
               [South Park Drive-In, night. The drive-in is cleaned up now. 
               The entire town shows up to see the short film. To the left, 
               two klieg lights shine on a high platfom on which stand the Mayor 
               and her aides; Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. A decorated Christmas 
               tree stands behind them. On close-up, though, Cartman is missing]
 
               
                                     MAYOR
                         Citizens of South Park, the Colorado 
                         Film Commission is pleased to present 
                         to you a work by some of our very own 
                         South Park children. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Thank you, thank you. 

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, what the hell are you doing 
                         here?! You quit!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What are you talkin' about, "quit"? 
                         Huh! I don't remember that.
 
                                     MAYOR
                         We know tha after you see this darling 
                         short film,  you will all feel the mighty 
                         glow of the Christmas spirit once again. 
                         Boys?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, Mr. Hankey!

                                     MR. HANKEY
                          O-kay! 

                                     [SCENE
                         a snowy hill. South Park comes into 
                         view. A squirrel pops up to see the 
                         camera, then drops away next to the 
                         town sign. Kids can be heard singing 
                         a Christmas carol. The camera pans to 
                         the right]
 
                                     KIDS
                         We wish you a merry Christmas,

               We wish you a merry Christmas,

               We wish you a merry Christmas--

                                     STAN
                         Hey! Wait a minute!

                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, I think so.

                                     STAN
                         (voice rising) Dude, Jewish people don't 
                         celebrate Christmas!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dreidel dreidel dreidel-

               [the film snaps in two and grinds to a halt. Fear strikes the 
               boys' faces, then the Mayor's face. The film spools out of the 
               reels and Mr. Hankey holds the unwound film in his hands]
 
                                     SIMON
                         Eehhhh, pretty! 

                                     MAN
                         Oh, that's Christmas for ya.

                                     MAYOR
                         Uhuh, just hang on folks. We seem to 
                         be having some technical difficulties
 
                         
                                     MAN 2
                         Boring.

                                     MAN 3
                         I've gotta go.

                                     MAN 4
                         Stupid.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                          It's completely destroyed! There's 
                         nothn' I can do!
 
                                     KYLE
                         All that hard work.

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, thanks a lot, kids. Great idea 
                         you had there. Now everyone is more 
                         disenfranchised with Christmas than 
                         ever. We want our three hundred bucks 
                         back!
 
                                     KYLE
                         But we spent it!

                                     MAYOR
                         Fine. Then we'll sue you.  Johnson? 
                         
 
                                     AIDE
                          I... used to believe in miracles. 

                                     KYLE
                         All that work!

                                     STAN
                         For nothing.

                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Boys, I uh, I'm s-, I'm sorry.

                                     KYLE
                         Sure. Sh-sure, Mr. Hankey.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I guess- we might as well- go home now. 
                         
 
               [The Hankey home, night. Inside, Mr. Hankey sits on the little 
               sofa. Cornwallis hops up to him and joins him on the sofa]
 
               
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         It's my fault. All my fault. I got everyone's 
                         hopes up.
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         But Dad, we can fix the projector.
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Aw, it's too late for that, son. everyone' 
                         gone home. And I don't know nothin' 
                         about projectors. I'm just a stupid 
                         piece of crap.
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         Dad, you taught me an important lesson: 
                         That crap is the cycle of everything.
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Aw, that was just a stupid song, Cornwallis! 
                         I was jus' tryin' to get you to stop 
                         your bitchin'
 
                                     CORNWALLIS
                         No, it wasn't a stupid song. Because 
                         you showed me that I have the power 
                         and the strength to do anything I want. 
                         You made me believe in myself, Dad! 
                         Now I'm asking you to do the same.
 
                         
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         Son...  You're the smartest piece of crap 
                         since Albert Poodinger! Come on! 
 
                         
               [The Marsh house, living room, night. The immediate family is 
               gathered]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Isn't this a nice Christmas, Stanley? 
                         No commercialism and shopping, just 
                         a nice fire and family.
 
                                     GRANDPA
                         I wanna die. 

               [A view of the suburbs. Lights come on all over the neighborhood, 
               and families begin to come out of their houses. one girl and 
               her parents, another girl and her parents, a boy and girl and 
               their parents, etc. The light everyone sees is the drive-in screen. 
               The short has been repaired and is airing the scene where the 
               boys first meet Jesus. The drive-in soon fills up]
 
               [On screen, Jesus floats down from the sky.]

                                     KYLE
                         What the--

                                     KENNY
                         (Nooo!!) 

               [The Broflovski house, night. The frontn door opens and Gerald 
               and Sheila step out with Ike. Kyle follows them out.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         They did it! They got it working! 
 
                         
               [On screen.]

                                     JESUS
                         You have blemished the meaning of Christmas 
                         for the last time, Kringle!
 
                                     SANTA
                         I bring happiness and love to children 
                         all over the world.
 
                                     JESUS
                         Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                         Christmas is for giving!

               [A shot of the audience]

                                     CROWD
                         Oh, wow!

               [The Hankey house. Amber and Simon stand outside]

                                     AMBER
                         Mom! They got it working!

                                     AUTUMN
                          What's that? They got your father's 
                         penis workin' again? 
 
               [A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman smiling. On screen...]

                                     KYLE
                         ...We actually spoke--to the Brian Boitano.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. And you know? I think I've learned 
                         something today, it doesn't matter if 
                         you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist 
                         or Hindu. Christmas still is about one 
                         very important thing.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, ham.

                                     STAN
                          No not ham!

               [The audience. The boys laugh]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey! Why the hell did you have me say 
                         that?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Heheh, we could make you say whatever 
                         we wanted.
 
               [On screen...]

                                     STAN
                         ...Christmas is about something much 
                         more important!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     STAN
                          Presents.

                                     KYLE
                          Ah.

                                     STAN
                         Don't you see, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah.

                                     STAN
                         Presents.

               [The audience...]

                                     VARIOUS FLOK
                         ...Presents.

                                     MAN 5
                         My God, they're right!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Christmas is about presents. If we all 
                         buy presents, everyone benefits. M'kay?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         That is the spirit of Christmas. Commercialism. 
                         Becuase it's what makes our country 
                         work!
 
                                     MAYOR
                         They're starting to understand, Johnson.
 
                         
                                     MS. CHOKSONDIK
                         We got so caught up in the little things 
                         of Christmas, like love and family that... 
                         we almost fogot it's buying things that 
                         makes our economy thrive.
 
                                     MAYOR
                          Hey, the shops are still open. We still 
                         have time to shop. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         You did it, Mr. Hankey. You brought 
                         back the spirit of Christmas!
 
                                     MR. HANKEY
                         No, you did it, boys!

                                     AUTUMN
                         Aw, hell, we all did it!

                                     MAYOR
                         Kids, that cartoon was fabulous. How 
                         would you like to have your own show 
                         and make 100 more of them?
 
                                     STTAN
                         Are you kidding? I think we'd rather 
                         stab ourselves in the head.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. Let's just go home and open our 
                         presents.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents 
                         for eight days.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wow! Count me in!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! I'll be a Jew too.

                                     BOYS
                         

               Dreidel dreidel dreidel

               I made you out of clay

               Dreidel dreidel dreidel

               With dreidel I will play!

               THE END

A Very Crappy Christmas



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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